More then Firends

[LoveLion]

Recently I have noticed that the topic of turning a friendship with someone into a relationship. This is a topic I am very interested in and would like to explore further. For me a relationship based on a friendship would be the greatest thing in the world. If you think about it love is just a very very strong friendship with someone.

In my experiences, however, relationships based on friendship just never work out. In my years I can count about three or four times when I have fallen for one of my friends. Each time Iv tried to act on it, the friend has ended up never talking to me again. The most recent was this year: A girl that I had gone to school with for many years and never really had more then a casual relationship with invited me to her Birthday celebration at a restaurant. I went and we had a great time. (You gotta remember this is all a high school relationship so its got all that teenage uncertainty and drama in it, I hate my age group :P) The next day we ended up going shopping together and then we went to the drive in the next week and from there we were doing things together every chance we got. We even took the train up to Toronto together to see a concert (Snow Patrol, best band ever!) and we stayed in a hostel together. I guess it was there that I really started to feel mroe then just a friendship towards her. From that point on we got closer and started acting more like we were dating then friends (ie, laying together while hanging out, etc.). But then one day I sat down with her and tried to talk about how I felt. I told her I thought there was more between us and I was sure at the time that she felt that way too because of the way she was getting so close to me. Everything went down hill from there. Things got really awkward between us, she stopped wanting to talk to me, and eventually the frustrating boiled over and the whole thing ended in a flurry or hurtful words back and forth.

I guess what Im trying to figure out is can relationships happen between friends and why are they so hard? They never work out for me, but I dont think I could ever love someone that I wasn't a friend with first. It only seems natural that relationships come out of friendships. If you are friends with someone then you know already know then very well, and you know that you are compatible. Why do people get scared away when a friendship starts to move to the next level?

Anyways I guess what Im wondering is, do you thing relationships based on friendships can work? Does anyone have any success or failure stories? And why do people get scared away when a friendship starts to move to the next level, or is it just one of those "high school relationship" things?

[Lisa (va)]

I would imagine it is dependant on the nature of the friendship bond.

My best friend (of about 20 years) is a wonderful person. I love her dearly.
Over the course of the 20 years we have made love many times, but the amount of time we spent together was mostly purely platonic. We have never dated in the true sense of the word. Though I love her, my love for her is different than the love for my husband.

As you we have been to concerts, the mall, long weekends. I'm not sure you would really classify our sexual encounters as a relationship though, I think the term commonly used is 'friends with benefits'. We understand each other well and know when it is 'off limits' to be with each other in an intimate way.

Conversely, I met a man whom I thought was someone I would just like to be friends with. He seemed so sweet and shared a lot of the same values I did.
I never expected to fall head over heels for him (thought I was a lesbian when we met). But subconsciously l probably had desires deeper based on my actions towards him.

Friends are priceless. When you fall in love the path to the love is not of any consequence, it happens on its own, you can't make it happen.

Lisa

hugs n kisses

[ytownohm]

i started a post a few weeks ago about the exact same thing... its been over a month we have been 'together' and things could not be better...
we have been friends for over 5 years now, and have become close friends for about the last 6 months, and obviously a little closer in the last month or two... our biggest concern was losing our friendship if things don't work out.. which means alot of communication, since we dont want to lose our friendshipbut knowing that if things get even more serious, then that would be impossible without talking to each other.. it takes a very solid relationship to go from friends to lovers, and then back to friends if things dont work out... but just like every relationship, you need a solid line of communication... good luck

[LoveLion]

OK, now this is weird timing considering I just created this post a few days ago. So basically I got a call from a friend of mine tonight. we have been friends for a few years now, and Iv never really thought of her as more then a friend. So she called me about 30 mins ago and said told me that she likes me more then a friend and wants to start something. Now I have been on the other end of that call before but never on this end. I know she has got to be nervous as hell and I can only imagine how much courage it took to make that call. And I know from experience how she much feel and I know that if I telll her I dont feel that way it will break her heart. But the fact is Im not sure how I feel about her. I certainly am good friends and I dont want to lose that, but at the same time I have never really thought about her in that way. Also she does not know that I am bisexual (no one does actually) and I wasn't planning on a relationship popping up before I came out. I think if I decide that I do want to per sure things that I have to tell her first. She is a practising Christian and follows the bible on a lot of matters, but Im pretty sure she would be ok with me being a bisexual. I just dont know if I want to start anythign or not. I told her we would talk in person on Monday and that I needed sometime to think it over. I dont wanna start something and then find out after words that I dont feel any thing for her, but then I dont wanna tell her I dont have any feelings for her only to realize after that I do.

Another complication on the whole thing is that my best friend who has been my best friend since elementary school and whom I spend most of my free time doing stuff with absolutely despises this girl through and through. In fact he has said on many occasion that she is his most hated person in the world. Its not like Im going to turn down a girl on account of what my friend thinks of her (I would never do that) but it is just one more straw in the hay stack.

I dont really know what Im asking for here, but I guess any advise or even some comment would help me out greatly.

[twodelta]

Hey LoveLion - First, let me say that I absolutely love Your avatar! I'm a cat person and that has to be the neatest cat pic that I have seen. Now, as far as Your post. I don't see anything wrong with meeting with her and talking. I would be upfront about being Bi. I know You don't want to hurt her feellings, but if after Your get together, You don't feel anything past friendship, then tell her so. It might hurt for awhile, but in the end, she will appreciate Your honesty. - Dave

[TorontoGuy2007]

i've always felt that it's good to take your time and get to know someone as a friend before jumping right into a relationship... trust and communication can be really hard to develop when you slap that "relationship" label on right away.. i find it more comfortable to be myself in friendship mode..

[LoveLion]

ORIGINAL QUOTE BY ME, LOVELION

A girl that I had gone to school with for many years and never really had more then a casual relationship with invited me to her Birthday celebration at a restaurant. I went and we had a great time. (You gotta remember this is all a high school relationship so its got all that teenage uncertainty and drama in it, I hate my age group :P) The next day we ended up going shopping together and then we went to the drive in the next week and from there we were doing things together every chance we got. We even took the train up to Toronto together to see a concert (Snow Patrol, best band ever!) and we stayed in a hostel together. I guess it was there that I really started to feel mroe then just a friendship towards her. From that point on we got closer and started acting more like we were dating then friends (ie, laying together while hanging out, etc.). But then one day I sat down with her and tried to talk about how I felt. I told her I thought there was more between us and I was sure at the time that she felt that way too because of the way she was getting so close to me. Everything went down hill from there. Things got really awkward between us, she stopped wanting to talk to me, and eventually the frustrating boiled over and the whole thing ended in a flurry or hurtful words back and forth.

Sorry to quote myself (im not an ego maniac I swear) but this needs to go with that bit of text.

So I was sure this girl and I were finished for good, and I had thought I was over her. Then today, BAM, out of no where I get an email saying she was so sorry, and everything was her fault, and she really misses being around me, and tat she did have feelings for me back then but she was just to afraid to act on them, and she wants to rekindle our friendship. Ever sinse our falling out, I felt alot of pain at first, then resentment and anger for her. But the minute I read her email all that seemed to just blow away and I felt kinda sorry for her. I eamiled her back saying I forgave her for what she did and I told her I was sorry for some of the things I had said/did. I told her that if she wants to talk to me then I will be willing and open to her. I also said that the feelings I had for her had faded. But Have they? Suddonly its 2am, and i cant sleep cuz Im thinking about her again. I dont know if she has really changed at all, and i dont know what she is really currently feeling for me. I am afraid to get reinvolved because I dont want to get hurt again, and I dont know what my level of afection for her is at the moment. But another part of me is feeling really happy and excited.

Then there is the issue of the other girl that I mentioned in my other post; the one who was my friend and phoned me saying she liked me more and wanted to start something. I talked to her a week or 2 and told her I was bi, and told her that I didnt want to waoory about labeling ourslefs as "just friends" or "more then friends" or anything and that I wasnt sure how I feel 100%, but I would like to hang out somemore and see where things take us. I have then sinse realised that I really dont want to be anything more then firends with this girl. but im pretty sure she is expecting something to happen and she is a very sensative girl and I know that telling her that would break her heart. Also if anything does start to happen with the first girl, then I would feel terrable telling girl B that I didnt want anything after leading her on a little then turning around and start dating girl A.

Basically I am just venting right now as I cant sleep and this is all on my mind. Is it a mistake to get involved with girl A again? and am I being unfair to girl B? shoudl I tell girl B that I dont want anything more even though she thinks things are moving in that direction? Would it be wrong of me to start soomething with Girl A after I just broke the heart of girl b? I hate this high school relationship crap!!!

(Sorry about my spelling, It is really late, Im typing in a flurry, and I dont have the energy to proof read right now.)

[Nara_lovely]

A question...do these people like the person you were, or the person you are? Lots of changes from high school to university.

Are you the 'safe' option to these girls?

A good test of a true friend (or more than friends) for me is: do I enjoy being around them? Do I still feel that connection when not around them too?

Trying to remember what life was like at 18.......sometimes, after being around a friend, I think about it later and see points when I was put down, hurt, or pushed around...and I didn't like how it felt. I also didn't realise what was happening at the time, because I needed/wanted to be liked and just put up with it.
So maybe take the time to work out what is going on in your heart first, especially when it is keeping you awake at night, and sounds like you have some doubts.

Be yourself.

[LoveLion]

A question...do these people like the person you were, or the person you are? Lots of changes from high school to university.

Are you the 'safe' option to these girls?

A good test of a true friend (or more than friends) for me is: do I enjoy being around them? Do I still feel that connection when not around them too?

Trying to remember what life was like at 18.......sometimes, after being around a friend, I think about it later and see points when I was put down, hurt, or pushed around...and I didn't like how it felt. I also didn't realise what was happening at the time, because I needed/wanted to be liked and just put up with it.
So maybe take the time to work out what is going on in your heart first, especially when it is keeping you awake at night, and sounds like you have some doubts.

Be yourself.

I dont think they either consider me the 'safe' option. I am pretty that Girl B's feelings are genuine, although she seems kinda like the person that if you hang out with her long enough she will start like you more then a friend. I remember reading a poem of hers about how she hung out with this guy all summer and started to like him and then he started dating another girl. It reminds me alot of what she is doing for me now, but Im not sure. The thing about her is, I feel no real connection. I know she is not someone I could go out with, but the problem is she thinks it is moving in that direction, and I cant bring myself to tell her its not, even though I know I have to. And I dont want to be unfair to her (ie, telling her I dont want anything, then going off with another girl the next day)

Girl A is a little more complicated. When we were friends before, I was sure she liked me more, and we were moving in that direction. It was only after I brought it up that she freaked out. She admitted in the email she sent me that she had liked me, but she thinks she might have some weird fear of relationships. The thing about her is I really did like her before, but she really did hurt me and was very cruel in our falling out. I certainly had a connection back then, but I havent though about it in so long, and now that its back, I cant stop thinking about it. One half of me has the same feelings, but the other half is saying "watch out, remember what happened." I admit that I did some things wrong to before, but im more afraid that she hasnt really changed at all, and this whole apologizing thing and wanting to "get back together" thing is just because she may be going through some hard times and needs someone there. Also Im not sure of her intentions. The first time I read her email, I though she just wanted to be friends again, and that is probably the case. But then when I read her second email and re-read the first one it almost seemed like she wanted a bit more. As for a connection with this girl, yes I had one before, and I dont know if I still do. When i lay in bed at night I think about it all, I think I might, or at least I think the feelings would rekindle for sure if we started being around each other again. PLus I dont wanna just dive into things again, and just completly forget the pain she caused me. I would seem pathetic and I cant just forget what happend, although I know she feels terrible about it and is sorry. The problem before was that I just spoke to openly about how I felt and it scared her away. For that reason I am afraid to be completly open all at once with her, even though she implied in her email that she changed, and seemed to be pretty open with me. She may have also been scared off before because neither of us have ever been in a real relationship before.

Its complicated, and I wish I knew how she truly felt, heck, how I even truly feel. Any advice or words of wisdom are greatly appreciated.