don't judge me too hard....

[Maggies]

Just wanted your advice really. I'll try to be brief. I'm an Australian male, 34 and happily married to a beautiful woman who earlier this year announced that she was bisexual (we've been married the best part of four years). We are still together and enjoying each others company like never before. She assures me her 'dalliance' with other women was not because of any of my shortcomings (pardon the pun). I'm still happy in our marriage and overall have little to complain about.

I just wanted people's opinions on my reaction to her 'announcement' of her bisexuality. Now, I know going to this website I'm likely to be 'praised' for supporting her more than anything (at least, I'm guessing - I think the average Australian would leave their marriage partner if they turned around one day and said that they were going to someone else asides them for their jollies). But I want to know how others would react.

In short, I didn't get married to be divorced. I love my wife and want to spend my life with her. I'm emotional, and will admit that the first few days were a little hard to swallow, if nothing else to get over the shock. However, as time passed I realised that it didn't actually hurt me. I wasn't upset. I'm very confident that my wife is as committed to the plans we've made as I am. I'm very confident that we will continue our lives together in true happiness. (and hey, in truth, it is a pretty exciting thought to have in your mind - the fact that your wife enjoys having sex with other girls!)

In truth, yes, I've felt a threat and it's been a little hard to swallow at times. But I also realise I have a role to play in supporting her - because I don't want either of us to be cast out on our own.

At first, it was asked of her that if I was to condone her having sex with people other than me, would she condone me doing the same thing (I'm not bi at all)? She said she couldn't accept me doing that, and though she suggests today that she's softened on that stance, I don't really believe it. So, why is it OK for her to sleep around and not me? I don't necessarily want to but equally so I don't think we should have rules for one member of the marriage and another set of rules for another.

It's all very confusing. I'm accepting of it and want to stay married to her. But I don't want to be taken for granted too.

Your thoughts? I know each couple has to make their own rules - and to a large extent we always have. However, she certainly made me aware in our first seven years of knowing each other that if I was caught playing with someone else I wouldn't live to tell the tale - she actually said to me a couple of months ago that she was pissed off that I wasn't angrier about the whole situation than I was!

Cheers

[Long Duck Dong]

lmao.... sorry dude... just read the warning part from ya partner....lol nice touch

ok yeah the praise for supporting her... but even more praise for admitting its hard yakka, and you are trying to deal with the personal issues raised by having a bisexual partner and two sets of rules
acceptance and adjustment takes time.... well done on admitting that you are only human and struggling a lil

actually the situation you are in, is something i encounter and counsel about a lot

i would ask both people, to tell me how they feel if the other partner was to form a sexual contact outside the relationship... and the answers are pretty interesting

however most of the answers were similiar..

the feelings that sex with a opposite sex partner outside the relationship was more dangerous to the relationship than sex with a same sex partner

that the female partner having sex with another female, was safer and cleaner than two guys having sex

that female was doing it for pleasure... but the male having sexual relations with another female, was his way of being macho... and if it was with another guy... he was no longer manly enuf

now to address you and your wife, and I am not gonna second guess her mindset about you having a sexual partner outside the relationship.... but i am gonna suggest that you both talk about it... mainly the reasoning why she laid down the law and then broke it....

my feelings ( from a neutral point of view ) is that she wanted the trust out of you, that she was not sure you would give her....
its hard for a partner to come out as bisexual and in a sense, I feel she was trying to make the relationship strong and stable by the *law * and now that you have accepted her bisexuality, and you are building a stronger trust and support relationship within the main relationship.. she is beginning to consider that the trust is there, the support is there... and that she may not reaction badly to you having a sexual partner out of the relationship.... provided its only one partner and not a regular every 2nd night thing

the greatest worry to any person in your situation, is that you need to let your partner know, on no uncertain terms, that in the event of you taking a partner... that wives needs and desires will be met, in and out of the bedroom

it raises the possibility of compromise... by discussing the chances of a threesome.....and thats not with the intention of getting ya rocks off with another woman in front of ya wife... and nor the same for her
but it raises the chance for the bisexuality to be bought into the home front and then it can raise it above the status of a bisexual fling, and make it a open friendship / sexual contact situation
more people find it harder to accept sexual contact outside the relationship, than they do, having it in the bedroom while they are there

the opportunity to share a intimate time with your wife and another female, without having to having sex with the other woman, and only your wife, could make the experience more enjoyable for all involved

[Mrs.F]

I'm in the same shoes as you. My husband told me a yr. ago (married 10 yrs) that he was bisexual. He also told me that he had been with guys before he met me, but had done nothing since we had been married. I was very hurt, very much in shock and just really didn't know how to deal with it. But as the weeks passed and we talked more about it and I talked to people on here who were in similar situations I came to understand that everything would be ok. I am no longer upset or hurt by it and have learned that it's a part of who he is and I love him for who he is. Although he has allowed me to be with others also, neither of us have been with others. Not sure I am ready for that big step but maybe someday in the future. One never knows.

Good luck to you both. :)

[tommyswing]

It can be very difficult when the rules of the relationship suddenly change. It really does take time to short out. I can also understand not wanting to play second fiddle.

From my perspective having sex with a man is different from having sex with a woman. I find women to be very exciting and although I've been able to avoid temptation, it's has not been easy. In that way I don't think I'm much different from other men. When it comes to having sex with men it's a totally different dynamic. My attraction to men is different than my attraction to women, and it is just as strong. In my case it's not possible for women to satisfy that desire. If I was to have sex with another women, I would be saying to my partner, you're not enough as a women, I'm not doing that when I have sex with men. We all have to make our own rules, my wife is str8, our rules are I stay away from women, be discrete with my male partners. I know it's a complicated issue, I wish you both luck

[LoveLion]

An open relationship always seems to mix things up a little more. Its a great step if it works for both of you, but if either is uncomfortable with it then it can really get sketchy. You should start by asking your self, do I really want an open relationship? and of course talk to her about it too.

I understand how you think it is unfair that she is allowed to sleep with another women but you arnt, and I agree with you on the issue. There have been some interesting comments on this issue in this topic, but when it comes down to it, I dont think being Bi really gives you an excuse to have sex outside the marriage when your wife/husband doesn't want you too. Remember you made a commitment to them when you married them.

Now, if your ok with her sleeping with another woman, but she is not comfortable with you sleeping with another woman, then you shouldn't use her desires as a bargaining chip to allow you to sleep around. If this is the case then you need to decide whether you are comfortable with her sleeping with another woman, and you always need to respect her wishes for you not to.

You might try a compromise like (was is Duck?) suggested, and have a threesome with another woman. This could give you a chance to both enjoy another woman while enjoying each other.

[PolyLoveTriad]

Well, I can understand your thinking. As a woman, And I think this goes for many women, we tend to connect sex with our emotions. Im bi, my husband just happens to be bi also. For me, sex with another woman, springs all these emotions flooding into me. Its all about love not about lust for me. Im not sure about how your wife feels on sex, but for me, its about more than sex. Now for my husband, who will say hands down he is equally straight as he is gay and a totally even "bi", its all about sex for him lol. He doesnt connect sex with emotions however he can come to care and even in a way of sorts, love another man.

Btw we didnt come out together until we were living together before we were married, it was just a coincidence we were both bi.

You talked about rules. My husband are extremely open, honest and up front with each other. I had asked him one day, if I had a girlfriend, how would he feel about it, if she didnt want to have sex with him also. He said, he would feel left out. I can understand that. He did say however, that if he could at least be int he room, watch, have his own little action by himself going on, it wouldnt matter to him. Have you asked your wife if its possible you go along and just be a bystander? Who knows, she might go for that. Also it would make you feel less left out.

Suddenly I feel like Im just rambling on and have no idea what Im talking about lol so all I can do is say, everything takes time, openess, honesty, and being direct with each other for things to true work out. Hope at least one word of this helps, good luck :)

[MrFahrenheit]

Try to get another bisexual woman to join the relationship? More woman for you, too. :bigrin:

I guess that's easier said than done though. Nor am I really sure if you're into that. :tong:

[innaminka]

In a way, I'm your wife. :female: :female:
Some years into my marriage, i "discovered" I was Bi and have subseuently acted upon it.
I came out to my husband very early after I knew and had convinced my self I was not a leprous outcast. Initially he took it pretty hard.
The knowledge that I wanted sex with women is not the easiest concept to have thrown at you over the breakfast Weeties.
He is most decidedly NOT Bi.
It took time, lots of communication, lots and lots of sex and a heck of a lot of mental readjustment by both of us.
Like you, we did not marry to divorce. We love each other completely.
His way of coping is knowing that I'm the same person - I haven't changed - and that he didn't want to know anything about my bi activities.
He made no demands other than it must not become an issue with our children - they're still (maybe not...) blissfully ignorant of Mummy's little predilection.
3'some's, his being able to take a lover - those are things that haven't even been raised.
He knows I have never stopped loving him. But as andyoumake 3 wrote, being with another woman is more than just lust; it fills something that is just there.
I believe that we now have a very strong, loving marriage.

My advice - hang in there. Making a rash, quick decision probably would be the biggest mistake, as would putting conditions on her bi-ness. Let time weave its magic healing.

[ancestral]

i can definately say im proud of you for the way you handled it, there arent very many people who can accept such a shock to the system. as for her not being ok with you sleeping with someone else, well, i do have a bit of a problem with that, even if you dont want to and you arent bi, relationships especially of this nature need to be on equal footing. i do hope you two have a wonderfully long life together, but i also hope she can become a little more reasonable about it, after all, fair is fair. good luck

[FalconAngel]

Big Kudos to you for taking the route that you have in asking for advice.

First thing to keep in mind is that every couple is different and the solution that they come up with is different based on each individual case.
In our case, I am BI and my wife is straight. This created a slightly unique situation for us, since my wife doesn't want me to "shut down" what has always been a very real part of my sexuality and she has no real desire to play with other men, but we play together, this way we both enjoy my sexuality and neither of us gets left out of the fun.

With some couples, the straight partner sends their partner out on their own and don't want to know about it, some do want to know about it. Others still want to be there when their partner is playing, even if it isn't in the same room while they play. Some like to watch their partner, while others like to watch and then join in or watch and then join their partner, alone, afterwards.

There are many options depending on what you both feel comfortable with.

What you both need to do is to sit down together and seriously discuss her sexuality and both of your feelings on it and the options available that each of you is really comfortable with doing. As long as you both consider the feelings of the other, you can find an acceptable middle ground that will work for you both that you will both be comfortable enough with to make it work for you.

[twodelta]

Well, I can understand your thinking. As a woman, And I think this goes for many women, we tend to connect sex with our emotions. Im bi, my husband just happens to be bi also. For me, sex with another woman, springs all these emotions flooding into me. Its all about love not about lust for me. Im not sure about how your wife feels on sex, but for me, its about more than sex. Now for my husband, who will say hands down he is equally straight as he is gay and a totally even "bi", its all about sex for him lol. He doesnt connect sex with emotions however he can come to care and even in a way of sorts, love another man.

Wow - Sounds like You are describing me and my wife. I am a little different than Your hubby though, in that, while I do have sex that is purely recreational, I love sex that has personal feelings attatched. Makes it that much more intense! The way that Cat are able to satisfy our disire to have same sex relations, was to find another couple in our area that was looking for the same thing. At first, it was just recreational, same sex play. But as we saw each other more often, a very strong friendship has developed. Anyway, the key to any relationship, whether it's emotional, emotional and sexual, or just sexual, is communication. You have to be honest with your needs, and open to Your partners needs! Where there is a will for the relationship to succeed, there is always a way(sometimes more than one way) - Dave :grouphug:

[someotherguy]

When marriage is a wall for keeping people in and out, then what is a door for? She gets to come and go, and have people in, but you have to respect the boundaries she crosses at will. I would have trouble with that. But, I wouldn't get married in the first place, so what I think doesn't apply. My experience with people is their actions are determined by their character. Some just don't empathize enough to care how others would feel, so they do what they can get away with. If so, then they would be incapable of the kind of loyalty that matters, since it must mean regard they aren't able to have. Does that make any sense?

Bisexuality may be a special case to some, but to me the commitment of marriage stands above all others, and so you don't get a free pass to make passes just because you're bi. For people who have open marriages, no problem, do whomever you like. It's when one person steps out of what the other thought was their cozy life together that things go to hell. You don't really lose anything then, because, obviously, it was never there to begin with, you only thought it was.

I can certainly understand anyone's attraction to sex with women. It's hard to hold that against a woman, that she would want to have sex with other women. While that's all well and good, is she someone to try being married with? What does marriage even mean to her?

It sounds to me like the rules changed and you are forced to adopt or leave. That can't be good, even if you talk yourself into it. Where is the respect, and concern for your own feelings? I won't be able to tell for sure unless I see some videos.

[mannysg]

At the risk of repeating what someone else has said:

Her expecting you to approve her having sex with another women while refusing to allow you the same is unfair. On the other hand, if she doesn't "expect" your permission, and is just asking it, that's another story. then it would be up to you whether or not to accept her having sex outside the marriage while you don't.

I don't accept that her having sex with a woman is less dangerous then her having sex with a man. My ex-wife decided she was bi, then fell in love with her lover and left me for her. I'm not suggestion that your wife would do the same, I just wanted to point out that throwing a 3rd person into the mix needs to be thought out and discussed thoroughly.

[Maggies]

Thank you everyone so much for your responses - I don't have much time right now to really drink all of these thoughts in, but I thank you all none the less and I will make more time in the future to consider all of this! I really appreciate it.

Cheers