A Fundamental Mistake?

[happyjoe68]

I would like to know if anyone has done what I have done when they came out:

that they unintentionally viewed women still in heterosexual terms and men in homosexual terms (or vice versa according to your gender and initial orientation), rather than see men and women as a "bisexual whole".

I think I'm guilty of doing this on a subconscious level. It arises from the fact that I was previously hetero and therefore relationships with women were, due to previous experience, a known heterosexual quantity, and men were an unknown homosexual quantity, and I tried (mistakenly) to add these two "contradictory" elements together to make bisexuality, when I should have started afresh ...

If you have made this error, how did you overcome it?

[Herbwoman39]

If I'm understanding your quandry correctly, you are, on some level, viewing genders on a binary level. In other words only hetero or homo based on gender. Is this accurate?

Change takes time. You have years of social programming to overcome. Just be aware of your thought patterns and every time you catch yourself thinking about someone in a way you'd rather not, just adjust the thought in the direction you'd rather go.

Hope this helps.

[smokey]

hell I have been known to daydream about a man while checking out a woman and visa versa. I would say that if you are bi its rather difficult not to see your own gender in sexual terms only....that is if I understand what you are suggesting correctly.

[kitten]

Yes, I saw all people as hetero or homo - not both- for a long time. As I realized my preferences and recognized that I had always been attracted to both genders, there were still either/or's. I felt very alone. With time I have accepted myself as the whole person and that my preferences are valid
Now, I don't really see gender anymore but the whole person when I meet others. It took some time to overcome the original viewpoint.
I agree that there was a lot of social programming in place.
It just took time and my own confidence and getting to know other bi's.

[Long Duck Dong]

lol herbwoman, I was gonna say the same thing

social conditioning and programming, is the single greatest issue I counsel people about

i better explain how it works..... from the moment we are born, we are conditioned.... tv programs, books, social interaction etc... its all a form of conditioning...lol

the thing is that we don't realise how deep it runs....but 90% of it is subconscious...or in english.... we are not aware how it plays a role in our daily living

and again I agree with herbwoman.... it takes time.... and pretty much you just need to be aware of the times you make the error in your thinking, and try and change it by consciously thinking of the person as a * bisexual whole *

the one differculty, is some people, you will not be able to see as a bisexual whole...don't worry about that....its nothing you can change..... its the feel you get off them, and the fact that they come across as non bisexual....lol

[DiamondDog]

hell I have been known to daydream about a man while checking out a woman and visa versa. I would say that if you are bi its rather difficult not to see your own gender in sexual terms only....that is if I understand what you are suggesting correctly.

Agreed.
I'm the same way.
There have even been times where I've had sex with a man, or a woman, and thought about the opposite gender out of nowhere.

Or I will be checking out a guy and a woman simultaneously in a bar.
When I saw a friend of mine embracing his girlfriend I thought about how I would like to fuck him while he's fucking her. :) ;) But apparently he's heterosexual even though we used to mess around as kids. :(

[julie]

I would like to know if anyone has done what I have done when they came out:

that they unintentionally viewed women still in heterosexual terms and men in homosexual terms (or vice versa according to your gender and initial orientation), rather than see men and women as a "bisexual whole".

I think I'm guilty of doing this on a subconscious level. It arises from the fact that I was previously hetero and therefore relationships with women were, due to previous experience, a known heterosexual quantity, and men were an unknown homosexual quantity, and I tried (mistakenly) to add these two "contradictory" elements together to make bisexuality, when I should have started afresh ...

If you have made this error, how did you overcome it?

Hey Joe, interesting point you raise..

Slightly differently to your experience, bisexuality was something i found very difficult to reconcile within myself but found easy to accept in other folk:rolleyes: I guess this stems from social pressures/conditioning, where so few people believed me when i tentatively expressed my deepening same sex attraction after my second child was born, thirteen years ago..

Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, i subconsciously took on board others valuing of my sexual orientation above my own experiencing and didnt take myself seriously despite still pushing all available doors to meet up with 'someone like me'

As some of you know, i have been very close to tom_uk for around 18 months now. This relationship has been so very healing in my own journey of self acceptance regards my sexual attraction to women. This is because Tom sees, and more importantly celebrates and accepts my covert eyeing up women when i dont even realise i'm doing it :eek:

So maybe dont be too hard on yourself, sweet joe? We are only human, and our perceptions of ourselves and others are, of course, impacted heavily by the social conditioning we are all contantly bombarded with.

Enjoy this new direction in life... it sounds as if you are maybe feeling a little overwhelmed by so many new realisations..? Life is a rollercoaster and you can finally rest assured that you are, at last, on the right track :bibounce:

huge hugs for you, my dear friend

Julie :female: xxx