coming out as a bisexual transgenderist - what to expect

[TorontoGuy2007]

ok, it's very easy for me to sit here under an annonymous name and tell the entire world over a computer that i am a male that has sexual interests in both men and women..

it is also very easy for me to sit here under an annonymous name and tell the entire world over a computer that i am a biological male that wants to be a girl.

it is also very easy for me to sit here in pink bra and panties with red toe nails, with women's deodorant on my shaved underarms, and with silky smooth skin cream on my beautiful shaved legs.

heck, it wasn't easy, but i picked up the phone tonight and called my best friend and told her all of this.. she was very understanding and confessed to me several things that i never knew about her!

but tomorrow i am going to spill my guts in person to my mother. this will certainly NOT be easy.. in my 33 years, we have always had a good relationship, but not close in terms of sharing intimate subject matters. most of our conversations are about the news, the weather, sports, music, the neighbors, our job, our hobbies.. dating and sex was and is rarely talked about...

ok, how should i tell her? what objections/concerns can i expect? and how can i respond to them?

i am thinking i should calmly sit her down at a computer and bring up a pic of a transwoman, then show her the pic of the pre-trans male, then bring up wikipedia's screen definition of transgenderist.

then after a talk, i want to walk her thru my home and show her all the girly things in my bathroom, then show her the girly things in my bedroom, then rip off my sweater and show her what i am REALLY wearing underneath...

ummm, how far should i go in order to get my point accross to her, especially if she seems in denial?

and as i said, what will be the most likely rejections she will say or comments she will make or questions she will ask?

has anyone ever been thru something like this??

you know, after i tell her all this, admitting to bisexuality will seem easy!

hope you all can help. she's coming to visit me in exactly 14 hours!

thanks to everyone, i love you all so much on this site.. this is the best site in the world, at least my new world, so far!

Love Jeff

(yes i am not just Toronto Guy, i am Jeff, but hopefully not forever!)

[Long Duck Dong]

hugs ya jeff......do you have a feminine name you want to be addressed by....cos i am happy to call you by your preferred name, be it male or female

lol dude... mothers are amazing people,...and you have spent 33 years learning about yaself.... ya mother has been watching you grow up..... I would be surprised if she doesn't already have a inkling that you are the awesome person that you are

one, don't try and make her accept you... allow her the time to come to terms with you.... and who you are........she may deny it for a while or struggle a little with it.... and thats pretty common......

if i was in your shoes.... i would allow my mother to see my life...to see the stuff around the house at her own pace.... and when i felt the times was right.... tell her that i have a few things I wanna share with her....and talk to her as if she already knows about me...... you may be surprised how much ya mother already knows about issues like crossdressing

i would make offhand remarks, like is she ok while you go and have a shower and shave my legs and underarms.....and if she looks at ya funny, just say that you dislike hairy legs and underarms.... and you understand why ladies do it.... it feels nice

generally dude, how tolerant, ya mother is of other issues is often a indicator of ya chances of telling her about your lady side............if she is very understanding of many things, ya chances of a good outcome are better......

you can show her bisexual.com and tell her about the people in the site and how many of us are here for support and understanding and friendship.... and show her some of the threads...she will see that we are not a pack of preverts but people struggling with our own identities and understanding the issues of others lol

one thing you wanna bear in mind, is that once ya mother accepts you, you may be able to form a mother/ son / daughter type relationship.... where you can talk with her as a mother.... and she may talk to your as a son/ daughter.......

do let her know that you wanted to talk to her about it for a while.... but you didn't know what to say or how to say it..... and you didn't wanna disappoint her by your actions...... but that she is your mother and you will always love her

[izzfan]

First of all, well done on working up the courage to come out to your best friend. I have come out to my best friend about being a TV and being Bi last summer but I had drunk a LOT before I felt confident enough to do so - drunken coming out is not to be reccomended because you tend to wake up the next day and regret it.
As for how to come out to your mother, do a lot of research about TG stuff beforehand so you can authoritatively answer any questions that she might have. As for coming out, perhaps enter into it gently such as bringing the topic of transgender into a conversation with your mother in a way that it can't be directly linked to you [eg; discuss something trans-related in the news, if there isn't any trans-related news then talk about a well known trans-person etc... just find some way to discreetly bring up the topic]. This is useful because if your mum starts being critical about TG stuff then you can just change the topic and you are spared a large argument etc.. However, if your mum seems ok about TG stuff then make some comment about how you like a particular type of shoe, nail varnish etc... and just gradually expand on trans issues from there, being sure to provide lots of info [parents often have misconceptions about Trans and Bi]. The key is to build up gradually and re-assure your mum that you have been TG/BI for a long time [ I mean sometimes parents can think that you have suddenly 'changed into a BI/TG' when u come out, assure your mum that this is an essential part of you and it has been for a long time].
As for parental denial, yeah they have a habit of doing that. Just remeber that for many years your mum probably thought of you as an 'ordinary' bloke and to have a sudden revelation about your gender/sexuality might shock her a bit and denial seems to be a reaction that most people's parents seem to have in this situation. Again, provide her with lots of reliable info on the topic and re-assure her that you are exactly the same person you were just before you came out.

Good Luck

Izzfan :flag3:

[Herbwoman39]

You're a braver person than I am and I applaud you for your courage. Were I in your shoes, I'd listen to LDD's advice. He's rather one of the wise ones of our family.

Take it at your mother's pace. Something I'm learning is that everything doesn't have to happen all at once. Little bits at a time are fine, too. You already know who you are. If your news will be a surprise to your mother, you don't want to overwhelm her with too much information all at once.
If she's a typical Mom, she'll continue to love you no matter what. The adjustment just might take a little while.

I'd also like to reiterate what LDD said about a feminine name. If there's a name you'd rather be called by, just letme know and I'm happy to do that for you as well.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[TorontoGuy2007]

thanks for all the great ideas.

you know, the definitions out there are so inconsistent... transgender vs transsexual..

this is worse than i thought.. i don't just desire to dress as a woman in public occasionally.. i want to "present" myself as a woman, in person, to the world, 24/7, 365 days a year.. by some definitions, i go beyond gender and enter the sexual catagory.. i modify my body as much as i can, but i want to go much further.. i want female hormones.. i want breasts.... i want to BE a girl!

only think i won't do is cut off my penis.

........gee, this entire concept is so fucked up!

what percentage of people are pansexual transexuals?!?! 0.001??

well, i always felt i was very different from the rest of the world, but never really knew why.. well, now i know!

i guess i have to look at this challenge like anything else.. a possitive learning opportunity.. heck, i am so lucky i took courses in college about Managing Change! i think i better revisit that text book!

anyway, i agree, LDD is awesome. you have some of the most amazing feedback and advice i have ever seen and i am always glued to your posts.

bottom line, my mother should have an idea.. i lived with her til i was 31.

she doesn't know about my bra and thongs (at least i hope not, but who knows? she's never said anything.. and i think i did a great job keeping that stuff hidden!) but anyway, she certainly knows i shaved and used women's razors.. but i always came up with an "excuse" as to why i was doing what i did.. heck, i would even wear certain women's undies around the house and pretend they were unisex!

heck, i even fooled myself for all these years.. i thought cross dressing was just a fetish.. i thought shaving just "felt good".... i thought women's soaps, deodorants, creams etc, "just smelled nicer"

heck, i was so stuck in the box, it was crazy.. anyone that walks into my apartment today would obviously know that something is out of place! i was just in denial..

oh well, no more denial.. gee, on Jan 1/07 i decided the theme for the year would be "the future is NOW" well, geeze.. at least my future is starting to look a little clearer now!

but as i was saying earlier.. this is SO FUCKED UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[softfruit]

There's some good advice in this thread already which I'll not try to repeat. Just to say that for all the temptation to try and 'prove' your seriousness by flashing your undies at your mum, it may lead her to think that they are what is important in what you are saying. And then you'd have to spend ages explaining that it's not about being "just" a crossdresser but something more deep-seated.

Let her take it more slowly, and if she responds well, give her some room to take the lead too. If she comes back and tells you she found a support group you already know about, thank her rather than telling her you already knew about it. That way being trans can't be confused with rejecting her and all the years she spent trying to help you grow up male.

With your change management stuff, I appreciate I'm probably teaching granny to suck eggs!

[onewhocares]

Hello Jeff,

I too must reitterate what other have said. Taking this a little at a time must be best for most. Only you know what pace you must go at. I also agree that dangling a pair of panties in front of your mom may not be the best avenue at this point. Perhaps sitting down in a comfortable setting of your home and telling her how you have been unhappy living as a man. That you yearn to be a woman and want to live your life as one. Try to get her to see how over the years you have evolved into the person you are today, and that each and every day brings you more understanding of yourself and the person you strive to be.

Moms can be very perceptive if they choose to be. For they just want the happiness their children want for their own lives, or at least I hope that to be the case. I know that I as a mom need to work on my perception skills. Not knowing the relationship you share with your mom, it is hard to know what her reaction will be. But be open, be honest and let what you say come out in a kind, deliberate and calm way. That is my thought.

LDD seems to have the right path of suggestions.,.....but then again,,,,he always has great advice.

Belle

[Long Duck Dong]

blushes..... lol before we put me on a pedestal, get one for ya selves first, cos i am not sitting up here all on my own lol

lol much of the suggestions i give, and the knowledge I share, is the same as many others in the site, would give and share..... lol.... i don't see myself as any different to anybody else in the site lol

and the credit for my expertise and knowledge has to go to the people like you all that i learn from and that have taught me so much lol

[Danielle_T]

Torontoguy, i am a Transvestite and have gone through this dilemma myself albeit to my EX-Wife. I guess this is why she is my EX-Wife....lol. I figured that i should tell her of all people because i loved her so dearly and i SHOULD be telling her the truth for her sake, it was killing me inside. I told her, she told her lawyer, my family and friends and the rest, as they say, is history.

At any rate,this needs to be brought slowly like a Lion from deepest, darkest Africa. It is a strange beast and needs time to understand it's new surroundings, as a matter of fact, so do the other denizens of the area! You must approach it very slowly and cautiously and let it sink in.

The one bright spot here is, family will always be family unlike marriage which i suppose, is not such a sacred institution anymore, like everthing else in our society, it's made to be thrown away. Family is not disposable, they are family for life like it or not!

I do recall however, years ago while still living at home with my partents while in College (and still very underground in my Transvestism) one day my mom had to run a quick errand and on her way running out the door, threw on my brand-new denim jacket. I hollared to her "Mom, i just got that jacket, don't wear it!" to which dear old Mom replied "why not? you wear my stuff" Touche! Mom knew (as almost all Mothers do NAY Women) and she appeared to be kewl with it. It was never mentioned again nor thrown in my face in an unopportune moment but, knowing my Mother, that was her approval.

My point is that, your Mom will understand as well, maybe not in the way you are hoping (to be all imbracing and helpful and participating) but she will....after all, you are her child and i do know there is no love like that of a Mother.

Love and Peace....Dani

[trip1]

Torontoguy, i am a Transvestite and have gone through this dilemma myself albeit to my EX-Wife. I guess this is why she is my EX-Wife....lol. I figured that i should tell her of all people because i loved her so dearly and i SHOULD be telling her the truth for her sake, it was killing me inside. I told her, she told her lawyer, my family and friends and the rest, as they say, is history.

At any rate,this needs to be brought slowly like a Lion from deepest, darkest Africa. It is a strange beast and needs time to understand it's new surroundings, as a matter of fact, so do the other denizens of the area! You must approach it very slowly and cautiously and let it sink in.

The one bright spot here is, family will always be family unlike marriage which i suppose, is not such a sacred institution anymore, like everthing else in our society, it's made to be thrown away. Family is not disposable, they are family for life like it or not!

I do recall however, years ago while still living at home with my partents while in College (and still very underground in my Transvestism) one day my mom had to run a quick errand and on her way running out the door, threw on my brand-new denim jacket. I hollared to her "Mom, i just got that jacket, don't wear it!" to which dear old Mom replied "why not? you wear my stuff" Touche! Mom knew (as almost all Mothers do NAY Women) and she appeared to be kewl with it. It was never mentioned again nor thrown in my face in an unopportune moment but, knowing my Mother, that was her approval.

My point is that, your Mom will understand as well, maybe not in the way you are hoping (to be all imbracing and helpful and participating) but she will....after all, you are her child and i do know there is no love like that of a Mother.

Love and Peace....Dani

Well said Dani...

[TorontoGuy2007]

hi Dani, thanks for sharing your story..

well, meeting postponed til tomorrow, so i have more time.. and i've used it well.

i forgot to answer the question about an alternate name.. i am so not ready to be called anything other than Jeff.. but i do have a few names in mind..

but i won't go there unless i do end up "presenting" full time..

anyway, as scary as it is to go thru this in the 1st person, there is a 3rd person analyst side of me that is very facinated with the entire process of coming out as a transexual..

i am going to share many thoughts going thru my mind here so those who are interested can read them....

sharing my thoughts and expressing myself is part of the coming out process too..

....my life has been a crazy rollercoaster ride for the past week. i have spent 18 hours a day reading the internet and learning more about myself. this is all part of the "coming out" process.

i live alone, my home is the only place i can really be myself. i recently left a job and have been home full time looking for work.. well, it's amazing what you can learn about yourself when you can stay at home and "be yourself" full time for three weeks 24/7! (guess i DO have experience "presenting" full time, just in private!) but i know this has to change. i can't live a lie anymore! i have finally seen my true self..

the coming out process is like a "this is your life" episode.. every day, i revisit a time period in my life, and understand what i was going thru.

all thru my life, i have done things and not understood why. all thru my life, i have felt unhappy, and not understood why. it is all making sense now.

we start our lives as children, but at 12 or 13, we start to realize our sexualities. boys and girls become two separate things. this is where my life started to change. this is why i always feel like i am a 33 yr old stuck in a 14 yr old body. the girl side of me held me back from being a boy.

in my mind, i am a girl, and i want to do things 14 yr old girls do. i want to have girl "best friends" who i can talk to, share secrets with, explore my fears with, cry with, hug, hold, even kiss.. and even experiment with.. many girls at this age have sleepovers, and at some point, they take off their shirts and bra.. they look at each other, they touch each other.. some of them even go all the way and orgasm together.... this is them learning about what it really means to be a woman.

all my masturbation fantasies are about doing this!!

....i looked around my house today and tried to pretend i was an analyst. i looked at how most of my home is in disarray. it is messy. things are thrown all over the place, it is not very clean. it is a sign of a confused person.

the things i hang on my wall reflect my past and future much more than my present.

i want to "capture the moment" and never let go of everything i do.. i always save every e-mail i send and receive. i always video tape every sporting event i watch on tv! part of me wants to be able to hold on to life and revisit it and relive it properly when the time is right!

i have tons of video tapes, newspapers, everything. i am a junk collector! and this stuff is scattered everywhere in my home. except in the bedroom...

my bedroom is in order. that is the room where i express my girl side the most. everything in there is "girl'. pink everywhere, pink stuffed animals. winnie the pooh. my big box of women's bra and undies. this is the room where i really can "be my true self"

i also have a strange little ritual i have been going thru for years, every night, before i go to bed..

i grab my biggest winnie the pooh bear and pretend i was talking to him.. here's what i would say:

********************************
scene 1:

Jeff: hi pooh, how are you?
Pooh: not too bad
Jeff: pooh, i've got a question for you. What does it feel like to be a Pooh Bear?
Pooh: well, hmmm, i don't know...
Jeff: why not?
Pooh: well, i am confused.. my brain is made of fluff!

scene 2:

Jeff: hi pooh, how are you?
Pooh: not too bad
Jeff: pooh, i've got a question for you. What does it feel like to be a Pooh Bear?
Pooh: well, hmmm, you'd have to ask Pooh Bear
Jeff: well, ummm, you ARE Pooh Bear!
Pooh: wow, really?
Jeff: yes, you are!
Pooh: wow, i never realized that! that is so awesome!
********************************

i'm totally not lying, i have done this every night for the past 3-5 years!

sound totally screwed up??? geeze.. what the hell does this mean??

well, it just hit me last night what this all means!! read on...

********************************
scene 1:

Male Jeff: hi Jeff, how are you?
Female Jeff: not too bad
Male Jeff: Jeff, i've got a question for you. What does it feel like to be a woman?
Female Jeff: well, hmmm, i don't know...
Male Jeff: why not?
Female Jeff: well, i am confused.. my brain is very confused!

scene 2:

Male Jeff: hi Jeff, how are you?
Female Jeff: not too bad
Male Jeff: Jeff, i've got a question for you. What does it feel like to be a woman?
Female Jeff: well, hmmm, you'd have to ask a woman
Male Jeff: well, ummm, Jeff, you ARE a woman!
Female Jeff: wow, really?
Male Jeff: yes, you are!
Female Jeff: wow, i never realized that! that is so awesome!
********************************

the mind really works in strange ways!!!!!!


my sexuality confusion is another issue i am having major ups and downs.. two days ago, i was making videos of myself masturbating and watching them.. and i was very close to posting pics of my penis on the web for the world to see! but, yesterday and today, i haven't masturbated at all, and i know how wrong posting those pics would be.... my mindset has taken a complete 360 as far as values.. i was always a "save your virginity for marriage" kinda person, then 2 days ago i was "let's express myself and fuck everything alive!", now i am back to the "need love before sex" value..

i had a long phone call with my ex girlfriend last night.. it had been a while since we lasttalked.. i told her everything about me.. and amazingly enough, she told me that she knew "something" was different about me. and that everything makes sense.. she told me that i was like a girl in every way! they way i socialize and talk with her, the emotional chats we share.. and when we were together in person for those 10 days, she said everything i did with her in bed was naturally girlish.. she said i understand girls, and i understand what it's like to be a girl.

this is how i question this is not mental. this is biological! i may have a penis, but there is a major part of ME that is all girl! at least it seems this way!

i had never given oral in my life until i met her, she has since had, ummm, tons of partners.. guess who did the best job, "by far"?? me, the girl.. freaky??

my sexuality is an entire other issue.. it's like i am still stuck as a 14 year old girl who is just starting to learn about feelings.. love feelings, lust feelings, sex feelings..

i think i want to be with women, because i can relate to my real or imaginary girl friends who i see as that "best friend" i want.. i think i love them but not really sure if my love is friendship or sexual.

i haven't really given much thought about boys or men. they are new to me. i really don't like this "masculine" stuff they all do. i think i like soft sweet sensitive men the best.. but i really don't know..


......well, my mother is coming over to visit me tomorrow afternoon. she wants to borrow my comp as she is off work this week and doesn't have internet access..

love is love.. i can think about my mother and remember how beautiful she looked when she was in her 30s and 40s.. it is so funny now that i look at her.. she is 60 and it shows.. she looks even older. but in my mind, i never see an old person. it is so weird. all i ever see is the most beautiful person i know. the mother i remember when i was 4 years old.. the person i love more than anyone else in the world...

i've never been able to clearly express my love to her. she has struggled expressing her love to me.. i honestly think i need to let it all out and let my emotional girly side come out tomorrow.. it is going to be very interesting.


.....when i initially discovered the stories of transsexuals such as

http://nikaaskini.com/ and http://www.reneereyes.com/

I think my attraction to Nika and other male-to-female transsexuals is that i see them as the end for me. they are my heros, my role models. i am in their shoes and i can see what they have been thru. transsion is not easy. it takes 3-5 years.. they have gone thru each and every painful day to get where they are..

i love these people so much. they are my family. that's how i see them. they are finally happy and they can be themselves.. but they still fight discrimination and misunderstanding every day.. i now feel part of the family, and i want to be an advocate. i want to explain to the world that transsexuals are not pornstars, or prostitutes.. we are NORMAL people.. and now i have to be very careful about what i do.. my morals about "love before sex" are more important now than ever!

Jeff