Bisexuality and me. [Archive]

holybane

Jan 19, 2007, 5:10 PM

Hello all, it's me Holybane, I show up every once in a great while and say something.

Anywho, the subject of my post today is me. Right now, I'm in a wonderful relationship with a straight girl. She is the first girl I've ever been with, ever kissed, ever slept with, all of that. So I love her, but I loved her before all that so it's not just because of that.

Anyway, I'm bisexual, inexperienced but completely bi. She is straight, while she doesn't mind me being bi, she doesn't want me to do anything. I have been craving for so long now that sometimes it's all I can think about. I can't stop wanting it and the more I think about it the worse it gets.

I've talked to her, but if I do anything, she's gone, I'm stuck. I love her very much and I don't want to hurt her but I'm getting incredibly desperate. I don't know what else to say except that I want help. I know this subject I have touched on before but I am so obsessed it's scaring me. Any advice at all would be nice. She won't let me play without the possibility of losing her, not even a little, and I wish she'd just give me a little leeway.

Thank you in advance,
Roger

Mrs. Taz

Jan 19, 2007, 11:55 PM

be pacient with her, she may in time let you play around with it. it took my husband a while to except I was bi. I was/am one of those people who would give up being bi just to be with my spouse. I told him along time ago I would do that if he wanted me to. for a while we went back and forth on it, and the last time he told me not to ignore it he also told me that if he ever tried to tell me again to ignore it to not pay any attention to him about it. So like I said before, just give her time to get used to the idea. things will work out for the best. :)

Herbwoman39

Jan 20, 2007, 12:18 AM

Have you tried porn? Sometimes that helps. Also, if you can keep from contacting people sometimes I find just looking through profiles and fantasizing about the people I *could* be with helps too.

There may be a specific Bi fantasy that you and your girl could play out if she's willing to consider pretending to be a bit more masculine for you.

I know it's difficult. (((((((((((hugs))))))))))) Just keep breathing and talking to her. You two will figure out something.

Isaac Steel

Jan 20, 2007, 12:31 PM

I am in a very similar situation. I am married and told my wife I am Bi. As long as I stay momogomous she says she will try to understand. I too have the urge to act on my desires, and have done so in past. I used to look at porn, but it only made me depressed and I didn't want to hide it from my wife. I find writing helps me a lot. I write stories about bisexuality. I have submitted one, under psedonym, to several on line magazines.

Best of Luck,

Isaac

AngelOfTheMystic

Jan 20, 2007, 1:51 PM

I am sorry to hear about your problem here. It seems as if though you are in a real jam here! My advice is this...listen to the others here they know what they are saying in that you should just give her some time to get used to this all. It probably has freaked her out and she is trying to adjust. I wish you the best of luck hun.

hotbicurious

Jan 20, 2007, 3:08 PM

My situation is identical to yours, so I understand the chronic frustration when you have found the person you want to be with but cannot explore your sexual desires. My girlfriend understands I am bicurious but does not accept it, if that makes sense. At some level she is threatened by or resents it, if only because I do sometimes shut myself up with the porn.

So I don't have an answer for you, just commiseration
:(

someotherguy

Jan 20, 2007, 4:52 PM

I suggest it's not about whether or not she lets you play, as you put it, but about what you choose to do. Here are your options:

a) lie to her and be sneaky
b) be honest, decide the relationship isn't worth it, end the relationship, see whomever you wish
c) be honest, decide the extra play isn't worth it, decide to be faithful, content yourself with her
d) lie to everyone but have sex with no one
e) be honest with everyone, but don't have sex with anyone
f) contort your personality into a pretzel of rationalizations, pick fights with your girlfriend, break up just long enough to get laid elsewhere, make up with your girlfriend, repeat as necessary
g) resign from the general population to pursue a solitary life in a monastery

good luck, and may the farce be with you

deremarc

Jan 20, 2007, 6:26 PM

OMG...I didn't know this list was out there. But, LOL, I have been hit by the letter F more than once.

I always called it a cycle. Great times...then weird confusing times with fights erupting from nowhere...him breaking up with me over something I didn't even know existed...him having sex elsewhere and before the cum was even dry on the sheets in this other bed, calling me to say how much he loved me, how wrong he was and that he wanted me back.

It began to remind of the shampoo bottle instructions: wash, rinse, REPEAT.

In fact, repeat every 2 months or so on a fairly regular cycle. The cheating was with women as well as men though (the Monster boob women as I called them-now I have fairly respectable 38C's, but these were the letter F's as well...LOL)

So, it could be called the Shampoo solution:

1)Bottle it up and (get in, or back in, the relationship "bottle")---
2)Wash it (your desires) out of your mind, until you can't wash anymore and feel compelled to---
3)Rinse your hands of the relationship (and justify by making it "their" fault you are breaking up) And do the letter F!
4)REPEAT as needed or desired (or until one or the other of you is tired of the cycle or the damn bottle is broken).

By the way, I don't recommend the shampoo solution as a long term one. Way too hard on the body--all that washing and rinsing.

Maybe go for a good conditioning...either condition yourself to be happily monogamous and find other outlets (like porn, fantasy, role play), or take the time for a good deep conditioning of your relationship (aka communication) and find ways for you both to be comfortable and happy. And all the good deep conditionings require an investment of time and effort.

Best of luck to you!

Chaia

Jan 20, 2007, 11:55 PM

deremarc,
I love your shampoo analogy! And the conditioning advice...excellent.

onewhocares

Jan 21, 2007, 1:30 AM

someotherguy

Jan 21, 2007, 11:49 AM

Belle, it sounds like you are dealing with how things actually are in real life, not with your worst fears and insecurities based on stereotypes. Please consider whether that is the kind of example you wish to set for others. Many divorce lawyers depend for their livelihood on wives freaking out irrationally. Think of their boat payments, and the shame of wearing a Timex. Maybe more importantly, think of what else unemployed divorce lawyers might turn to, like politics...

onewhocares

Jan 21, 2007, 6:49 PM

Well Someotherguy, it is not often that I am complimented in a most unusual manner.

I know that there are a few of us wives on here who can give people a dose of reality. I think most spouses of a bi person are scared, scared they are going to loose their mate. They are SO SO wrong. If you just found out that your spouse was bi today, do you think they changed overnight. They are still the same person you loved yesterday morning, and will be the same person you wake up with tomorrow. Is is hard finding out? YES it is. Will it take a toll on your relationship, it could but then again, you could grow together and be stronger together. I can not speak for anyone but ME, but I can tell you as I alluded to earlier, that finding out Bill was bi, and he finally satisfying that need in him, made him better for ME, for US. Investment in the future, will alway be rewarded with high dividends. I will say one of the hardest things to do is to talk openly and honestly. Once you do that, then the road ahead will be smoother.

Speaking of dividends and rewards, Yes, I well do feel the pain for the lawyers, the car salesmen, the boat salesmen and self help gurus whose books might not be sold. HA HA one happy couple is SO worth it. TOUCHE

Belle

DiamondDog

Jan 22, 2007, 4:03 AM

Roger,
You're still young and IMO you should find a partner who will allow you to explore your sexuality.

You have the rest of your life to find the person/people who you want to be with so why not take this time to explore your sexuality with men?
I did this (and still do I never stopped) for most of my life but really got into it the last few years since I've finally found men who are my type.

Just don't fall into the trap of setting your standards so high that you can't reach them.

good luck!

findingpeace

Jan 22, 2007, 12:37 PM

You're in a tough spot. I definitely wouldn't enter into marriage until she can accept your bisexuality and the possibility of the need to be with guys. My drive for guys wasn't and still isn't that strong. But I never really accepted it until lately and have started to explore.

The coming out process to myself and my wife has been a long journey and we are both stronger for it. With a lot of communication and openness we have both come to understand more who we are and our desires. She encourages my exploration and we have explored together. If she said no to me being with men I would make that sacrifice for her and our children, but she is secure and respects me and encourages me to be fully who I am in feelings and actions.

The interesting thing is now that I am in the open and male sexual contact is available and encouraged, I don't want it as much, but want it none the less. I'm just not so compulsive feeling about it. Like my wife said, I may just have to have sex with a good buddy now and then. She has watched me with another man and found it one of the most erotic experiences of her life - to her complete suprise. Just because you want to be with guys doesn't mean your girlfriend has to be excluded.

I think it's great that your girlfriend is accepting of your bisexuality. But if you feel that you will need a man too, then she's not accepting of your desired behavior. Relationships take a lot of sacrifice in many areas of life, especially when children enter the picture. Just decide what you feel like you can sacrifice, and if being with men isn't one of them, then be completely open and honest. Good luck.

holybane

Jan 22, 2007, 1:26 PM

Hey everyone! I'd like to thank you all for your comments. Especially Belle as she has given me a little hope, but I don't know if it will be enough.

Me and my girlfriend have talked about this extensively and she's known I'm bi for over a year, and so far I've made no leeway. I love her so much that I want to stay with her forever, but I also love her so much that I don't want to become bitter because of my limitations. How long has it taken for your spouse or gf to loosen the reins? Anyone?

Thanks,
Roger

twodelta

Jan 23, 2007, 11:02 AM

Hey holybane - I hate to sound like the harbanger of doom, but if the shoe fits, I guess I'll wear it. If things haven't changed in over a year, do You think they ever really will? I didn't find my soulmate until I was in my forties, so if this relationship doesn't work out, don't feel like it's the end of the world! Do You have the right to expect her to change her beliefs for You? She she have the right to expect You to change who You are for her? Yes, relationships should have an element of compremise, but are certain issues beyond compremise? For either of You to expect the other to change who they are, I believe is beyond compremise. In other words, maybe it's time to move on so each of You will have the oppotunity to find someone more compatable. - Dave

holybane

Jan 24, 2007, 5:29 PM

Thank you Dave, and although I value your advice I'm not going to let this relationship die until there is no way to keep it afloat. It's hard for me to even be away from her for minutes much less ever, I just hope that we can come to an understanding, although like you said, I doubt it.

Roger

onewhocares

Jan 24, 2007, 9:35 PM

Roger,

I must agree with many of the points that TwoDelta is saying. Change is a big thing. Living your life hoping that a partner will change is no way to live. What ever it is that you want her to change may never happen. And to spend you life waiting for the change to suddenly happen is a waste of precious time, time better spent on living life rather than watching the clock tick my hoping for something that may not come.

It has always been my theory that you should never try and change someone. (See below when I did not take my own advice) Rather if you are so dissatisfied, YOU should be the one to change. Changing your ways for another may be a way to deal with the situation, but are you then being true to your own self? I do not think so.

I recently had a situation arise when I was unhappy with something that my hubby did. It was something that over the twenty years of our marriage has
occurred from time to time. Well this time, instead of getting my usual bout of anger and disappointment in him out, I took a step back and assessed the situation. With the help of a very wise BEAR, I realized that I was the one that put unrealistic expectations on him. I was trying to make him fit the mold of the man I expected him to be when in reality, he has to be the man he is. I had, in my mind actually set him up for failure. That was not fair to him nor to me. I was the one who had to change. It was, I am sad to admit, the first time in our relationship that I had to go back to the marriage vows that we took twenty years ago, and I think, if my memory serves me correctly, a line that says......for better or for worse. Well if I get to reap the times of better, I sure as hell better be able to stand for the worse. That realization made the whole difference.

She should accept this part of you as it is part of your makeup and part of the man that she claims to love.

Gee I know I am off the beaten path here, but it what I have to say.

Belle

MissFancyPants25

May 28, 2007, 12:43 AM

sure_handed

May 28, 2007, 4:05 AM

How long has it taken for your spouse or gf to loosen the reins?

Aren't reins for horses, oxen, and other beasts?

truelove201

May 28, 2007, 1:03 PM

Man, this is one difficult situation. I can not say that I have been in it. I have been on the receiving side. I guess perhaps I am like others who have come to enhance and understand my bi spouse. I know that he loves me and the feelings he has for a man are extremely different from the ones he has for me, as they rightly should be. I now look upon our situation as giving Bill the freedom to be the man he has to be. It has NEVER changed the way I love him. Actually his being bi and our involvement with other Bi men from this site had made our marriage stronger.

Belle

:female: I'm in the same situtation. How do you deal with the feeling of betrayal? He hasn't tired yet but wants to and I just don't know how I'm going to feel. My head tells me that we can handle this and that he's not really cheating on me since I can't give him what he wants but my heart aches for the suffering it may cause me emotionally.

truelove201

May 28, 2007, 1:17 PM

Hi Sweetie. I know I've told you this before but I just wanted to tell you again...and tell anyone else that might read this....I love you so much and I really want you to be happy...but I cant control how much it would hurt me for you to do things with other people...if i could change that, believe me, I would...if i had one wish it would be to make me ok with you doing anything you wanted. I am so sorry, Hunny. I love you more than anything and want to spend the rest of my life in your arms, but if you did decide to leave me, i would understand and I would never get mad at you for something like that...i know how hard this is for you... and i am so sorry. I miss you sooo much...i cant wait until you can come home from work...I hope you're feeling better, but if you're not I'll take care you you when we get home. *Big hugs and kisses*
Love,
Whitney

:female: I know exactly how you feel. I've been going through this with my husband of 10 years. I love him so much and want him to be happy but I don't know how I can live everyday knowing that he's with someone else. I know he can't help who he is and I wouldn't change who he is either. I accept him but it hurts to know that he wants to let someone else touch him and be intimate with him. I'm struggling with understanding why I can't be enough. There has been some really good advice offered to me on this site. I don't know if you've spent anytime reading some of the other forums but it may help you. If I can offer any advice to you it would be that if you are going to let him experiment now is the time to do it and not when you have kids and other responsibilities. If what you are saying is true about letting him go if you had to then let him go explore who he is...then come back to you and recommit to you. If I could have had that chance years ago I think that's the route I would have taken. I know it's easier said then done. I often say to my husband that if I had a crystal ball and could look into the future and see that we'd be ok through this I would let him do it tomorrow but there's no crystal ball and there are no guarentees. I don't know if I've helped at all...good luck to you both.

FalconAngel

May 28, 2007, 2:02 PM

A couple of folks here have said the one thing that is paramount in the relationship. If your partner wants you to change what you are and you are hoping for them to change to accept your bisexuality without you changing what you are, then this relationship will collapse......catastrophically.

You are still young, so just explore your bisexuality.

Don't get locked into a relationship with someone who you expect to change or who expects to change you. Fact of the matter is that it will not work in the long run.

My wife has known about my bisexuality since very early in the relationship, so we sat down and worked out how we would deal with my bisexuality.

Relationships are about MUTUAL compromise, not compromise on just your part or just her part.
So if you are going to be in a serious relationship, then the person you are with must sit down with you and work out, together, a plan to work your sexuality into the relationship in such a way that works for both of you and not just one of you.