Frustrations From My Straight Side (Long)

[Rhuth]

It has been ages since I have posted because my life has turned upside down, and I am at a loss for how to explain it. It has been so long, that there has probably been a turnover, and most of you do not remember me. I have not updated my profile yet because I do not know who I am becoming yet. I have missed you all terribly, and decided to vent to you in the forums tonight. I apologize for the length. It was mostly therapeutic for myself. For the newer people… Hi! I’m Rhuth… Don’t mind me, I’m long winded. :bigrin:

I have always had an active imagination. My imaginary world is not always exciting. Sometimes it is a mundane conversation with someone I wish I could be talking to. It might be why I pick up languages well. I can practice all the time because there is always someone to talk to in my head. I am aware of when I am imagining actions or conversations, and I never mix them up with real life actions or conversations.

I have been having marital problems lately. The fact that men are off limits for me has been augmented to include friendships. Making them such forbidden fruit has turned sexual fantasies with men my main escape in my head. There is this one guy who became my favorite fantasy.

This guy saved my husband’s career on more than one occasion. In the last company, he was the director of my husband’s division. When we had a rough spot, he told my husband to take me out to the city and expense the weekend to him. We spent as much as we thought we could, but when we came back, he said, “That’s all you spent?” At this guy’s farewell party at the last company, I told him “Wherever you are going, take him with you!” while I was pointing to my husband. He created a position for my husband at the new company, and my husband is working there still.

This guy entertained my fantasy world back then on occasion. No more than other guys, and probably less than girls. Once I started having marital problems though, another incident turned him into my favorite. I was at the company gym, talking to my trainer about my recent weight loss. My neighbor did not recognize me, and I was commenting that this was my favorite compliment so far. Then I realized this guy was sitting nearby us in the lobby. I said…

“Oh Hi! I didn’t recognize you there!”

“I didn’t recognize you either because you are so skinny now!”

“Ha ha! Oh, you get kudos for that one! Well timed!”

“I could get myself in trouble with you.”

I am pretty sure my mouth went open as I was in stunned silence at that one. Did a guy I had been fantasizing about sex with just say that? I think my trainer was trying to get me up and start my workout at this point, but I was too stunned to move. Then he said…

“I’d take you and…”

At this point I am screaming at myself in my head to say something. Anything. I think I said “Oh you bad boy!” and went off with my trainer.

Men are off limits to me while my husband has my permission to date women and hire escorts. This guy is hot, single, and my husband’s boss’s boss’s boss. How much more off limits could you get? I loved the way it messed with my head, and thoroughly enjoyed the fantasies.

Then he got promoted away from being in my husband’s division. He was no longer in a position of power over my husband. I became obsessed. I can no longer rationalize how my imaginary world was healthy anymore.

I had no intention of ever leaving my husband, but I had never experienced another man. I lost my virginity on my wedding night, and now I wanted to see what I was missing. I wanted a one-night-stand. Maybe as much as an affair… A standing Wednesday night appointment? None of these desires seems to justify hurting my children by destroying a marriage, but if I could just have this one thing, maybe I could go back to my husband and function without resentment towards my husband’s need to be controlling.

So I finally tried. At first I tried an email calling myself a secret admirer who wanted to know if he would be up for secretive amoral sex. His immediate reaction was that I was some of his friends playing a prank. So, I gave him my name and cell number. He did not recognize either my name or my voice, so I had to mention my husband’s name for him to figure out who I was. “Oh! Well, aren’t you sweet!”

Sh@#. I haven’t heard that turn down used by anyone since Jr. High.

He managed to talk me through a gentler rejection while I divulged much more information than my husband would ever want a valuable business contact to know. He promised to pretend I never sent the email, and has avoided contact with me since.

Okay. Well, maybe now that he has rejected me, I can stop obsessing over him. Delete the pictures found on the web. Try to fantasize about my old standbys. Give my girlfriends the attention they deserve. No dice. It just hurts more.

The men that I know are willing and live on the west coast would not be able to keep it secret. I found a guy in the area outside my friend group online. I must have been acting too desperate, because he stood me up for just phone sex.

Okay. When bi-curious girls get too desperate I always advise them to go pay for it so they don’t trample on some girl’s heart. Obviously this is what I should have done from the start, right? At this point a life threatening STD doesn’t look so bad, and a condom might save me from it. How hard can it be to find a male escort willing to service a woman for a change?

Apparently it’s pretty darned hard! I must look like a cop or something. Even the ones that claimed to be straight would not take me seriously.

My first experience with a woman was a good friend who thought my husband’s and my arrangement did not sound fair. She is one of those beautiful model types who have whole gaggles of men following her around. She offered me some of her cast offs, and I refused at the time. I was indignant at the suggestion and felt self righteous in being completely open and honest with my husband and never crossing what he felt comfortable with. I called her up again recently and took her out to lunch to ask her if I could take her up on the offer she made so many years ago.

At first she said yes, but then she asked why. When I gave her the details of the rough times my marriage was going through, she decided it was not a good idea to seek freedom by sleeping around. She suggested finding freedom in other ways. She made me face my problems in a way I was always able to avoid by retreating to my imaginary world. For the first time since all this started, I balled my eyes out.

But this was in a crowded restaurant, so she got up to find the check so she could take me somewhere else to cry. While she was gone, someone else brought the check to the table. Between sobs I started to get my wallet out of my purse. The guy who brought the check looked at me with concern and asked if there was anything he could do for me. I really hesitated. I was really close to saying “You’re a man… will you f@#k me?” But I didn’t. I just said I needed a place to go cry. He turned out to be the owner of the place, and said we didn’t have to pay the bill. I suppose it is a good thing I didn’t say it then. The owner of the place would probably have kicked the sicko lady out for proposing sex.

So, I got a job. I go out with the girls. I sleep with the girls. I am doing everything within what my husband is comfortable with to claim my freedom that I can think of. I try to control my imaginary world to at least exclude my favorite fantasy fodder. I am really trying.

But I can’t seem to get him out of my head, and I can’t seem to get over the hurt of his rejection. Yesterday was Valentine’s Day. I spent the day surprising everyone with special thoughts and tokens. Everyone was appreciative, but no one did the same for me. I accidentally ran into a different guy I was disallowed friendship with, and the uncomfortable unwanted avoidance of each other hurt us both. I went home, searched for my favorite fantasy fodder’s picture on the web again, and masturbated to it for the first time since he rejected me.

Will this slip make it take longer for the aching pain to stop? :(

[NorthBiEast]

You haven't shared a lot of detail about why your marriage is failing, and that's okay. It sounds like the only reason you want to hold on to it is for the kids, and I think that is respectable.

Your husband sounds very insecure. He doesn't trust you to be able to control yourself around other men. You seem to have a semi-open relationship already, which sounds good, but he doesn't even trust you to have male friends while he is able to have female consorts. To me, that doesn't seem open.

I don't blame you for being curious about other men. I've only been with 2, and I sometimes wish I hadn't fallen in love so early in life, so I could have experimented more. But it sounds more like you are using this infatuation with your man's boss to avoid the fact that your man isn't meeting your needs, or even trying to.

I think that with the basis for an open relationship already in place, you can talk to him about the fact that you are considering a secret affair, and why. If he doesn't already know, lay it on the table that the marriage is falling apart. Talk about where BOTH of you want to go, and if he is willing, find a good marriage counselor.

There is way more going on here than a woman's unrequited passion running away with her.

Good Luck, and welcome home :female:

[Rhuth]

Thanks, NorthBiEast.

Yes, I have told him. Not specifically that I sabotoged a business connection, but the detail about going to my friend to take her up on her cast off's is something he knows about. We have been going to marriage counciling for a while now. All of the emotions I have stated here are out on the table. He knows about them. He just is not able to deal with them yet. He has other things to deal with first. He is at the counselor without me tonight, so you all are my outlet. Thank you for the welcome back!

*hugs*
Rhuth

[Long Duck Dong]

mmmm......

hugs ya rhuth.....

i read ya post, and reread it .....

take a deep breath and try to smile for a few minutes

I am gonna suggest personal counseling for each of you, away from a marriage counselor

sadly the issues are not affecting the marriage, the marriage only highlighted the issues that were brought into the marriage
your husband needs to look in the mirror and face himself, marriage counselors are not the best help in that area....and personally.... i feel that there has been a lot of damage done to each person and the marriage, that goes deeper than arguing over the balance of housework and help around the house
and its pretty damm possible that the marriage is one thats is not gonna survive without both of you, *dumbing * yourselves right down, until you both become married * zombies *, in the interests of saving ya marriage


as for you, you need to be brutally honest about you, your life and your future...no *watering* down who you are... cos thats just not gonna work.....
its too easy to change yourself to fit the marriage, but thats like trying to put a square peg in a round hole...and its soul destroying.....

you seek a affair ??? i seriously question your desires.... they DON'T come across as just sexual desires.... so how much of your need for a affair is self expression, and how much is sexual experience....

from the outside I see your * fantasy man * as a good helper, companion, leader....a number of aspects that people like to see in their own relationships....and I feel that, thats part of the attractiveness of him, as opposed to your partner, who appears to be insecure, controlling, and a dictator.....

[Rhuth]

Long Duck Dong,

Oh boy. You cut through my attempts at humor and self-predication, and got to the heart of the matter. No, my desire for an affair is not about sex. It is about control. I cannot in good conscience wrestle control from someone who is going through hell and needs to be controlling in order to heal. So I want to rip it away secretively so that I might have some control over my life that he does not know about.

Obviously he is going through something much bigger than balancing household responsibilities. Frankly, it is larger than the marriage itself. I have done more divulging of his private life here than he would be comfortable with already. I really should not make a public statement of his private problems.

But you addressed my problems, not his problems. What you say makes sense. I am just not ready to listen to it yet. My leaving him while he is going through this would be like kicking a dog while he is down. I cannot wrap my mind around becoming the ex-wife-villain. I feel compelled to stick this out until he gets through it. It might take several years for him to get through it though. The whole process might change him, and maybe at the end, he will decide to leave me. I find comfort in that thought.

And here I was expecting you guys to be humorous and offer your services as escorts! Lol I don’t know who I am anymore.

Thank you for the support and love,
Rhuth

[TorontoGuy2007]

if it;s ok for your husband to sleep with other women, and if he actually takes up this offer, then it's an indication he is not happily married.

furthermore, marriages should be about equality.. if he sleeps around, then you should be "allowed" to do this too.

bottom line, i think you are both hanging onto a marraige on paper that perhaps ended in reality long ago. doesn't sound like there is any real love here..

i wouldn't suggest an affair. it will be a few hours of pleasure, but then you'll suffer months of guilt.. see if you can resolve your marraige issues, but if not, then break up. only then will you be ready and able to move on and find a new partner and have a serious meaningful loving relationship..

that's my take on it
Jeff

[Rhuth]

TorontoGuy,

For me, love is not so black and white. It ebbs and flows, and exists in more than one place in varying degrees and forms. I also understand, however, that to ask someone who is monogamous to understand this way of thinking is like asking straight people to understand bisexuality. It can be understood, but not experienced if you are just not that way.

I am willing to close the marriage to salvage it. He doesn’t really want to. Frankly, I am not offended by his going elsewhere for sex on occasion. Sometimes I appreciate someone else taking over for a while. Then he doesn’t need to cling to me so tightly.

I am allowed to have relationships outside the marriage with women. My girlfriends are a comfort and support I could not live without. I agree there would be problems with an affair, but I doubt guilt would be one of them. His finding out would kill him. And if it didn’t, he would kill himself. Anyway, the point is moot, because no man will sleep with me to begin with!

[Bi-ten]

Hi Rhuth,

If I knew it would help I would offer my 'services', but sadly this will not heal what ails you. I once ran from my unhappy marriage, I became a workaholic, I became a marathon runner, I had an affair of the heart...I even had a boyfriend.

All of this did not help the sadness in my heart for very long, for in the end my marriage was not a healthy one. I felt that I could not express myself or be who I wanted to be, I felt trapped and desperate.

I realize now (after almost 2 years of separation) that I had to heal myself, this prison was my own creation. I had to be myself nomatter what the cost, I had to losen the chains in my own mind.

I have no idea if you feel the same sorts of things, but I will say that there is light at the end of the tunnel. If you live your life with love for yourself, and express yourself the way you were meant to, your life will be transformed! It may not lead to divorce, it may lead you to places you never dreamed of, but if you deny yourself you are only living half a life.

My prayers are with you.

Hugs

[FerociousFeline]

Hi Ruth,
First of all let me congratulate you on being. That's right, be-ing. You are a wonderful spirit who has a lot of love to give and I understand the frustration you have expressed at your seeming lack of ability to break through the blockages which prevent you from giving that love.
Next I'd like to tell you what a dear DEAR woman you are and an obvious treasure for being so kind and sensitive as to offer such a degree of personal sacrifice for the purpose of allowing a fellow spirit to have time to heal. That is TRUELY BEAUTIFUL. (And rare). Few will realize just how painful that kind of self sacrifice really is, and even fewer will ever have the degree of loyalty to see that sort of thing through.
As I see it from the limited amount of information you have given me, you have several issues which I'm not 100% sure you are aware of. Now, bare in mind (hee hee I just LOVE that phrase and the picture it creates) ahem. Anyway....Bare in mind that I'm not a shrinkologist or priest and I don't belong to the Church of the White Coat. (My generic name for all health prof)
BUT. What I see is, that this isn't really about sex. This isn't really about power. This is about YOUR IDENTITY. You have given till it hurts in this relationship and it looks to me like you have possibly collapsed yourself into it just a bit too far. Are you feeling like there is no sense of YOU? Do you seek to define your being by your actions? Do you think that if I could wave my magic wand and make your entire life around you dissapear....leaving only you.....that it would help? If so, you have to ask yourself WHY? Is it truely freedom from this man and this relationship that you seek or could it be that you are seeking freedom from the golden cage you have created for yourself? We all create our own prisons. The cool part is that deep down, we all know where we hid the keys...too. I suggest that perhaps the feelings you have for trying to find external love from this relationship may be more about your desire to assert your individuality from your husbands and the easiest way for you to feel like you've been seen for the exotic bird that you are, is to show your colors and watch the reactions of those around you. Perhaps you are feeling that you don't really play a part of the world in which you live other than to be a supporting cast member. Nobody wants to do that. In your fantasy with your husbands boss....weren't you really being the exotic bird in the gold cage? Close enough to get his attention, but well out of his reach because of the golden cage you were in? (The cage can be your marriage, your own personal self-imposed limitations, your fears, your obligations, your ethics, morals, etc) Some fantasy's really ARE better as fantasy's. Some are not.

My advice. Ask yourself what is it that you really need. Do you need to be acknowledged? Do you need to be held? Do you need to be put on a throne and worshipped by a group of submissive men? or women? OR, do you need instead to look further inward, to find your own value to your self, and learn how to acknowledge and celebrate her? One move you can make in this puzzle which does NOT pose a threat to your husband or to your marriage is to find the real you. The you-of-yous. Find her, hold her, kiss her, tell her that you love and respect her, and then ask her what she needs. When you get to that point, you may find the rest of this external confusion will clear up like fog retreating from the blazing morning sun. I wish you peace, Ruth, and Love.

FF

[Rhuth]

Now, wait a minute, people! I feel your love and support, and I am truly grateful. But this post wasn’t about my frustrations with my husband. It was about my fantasies getting the better of me, and causing me the pain of rejection. I just reread what I wrote and very little is about my husband. Yet every response has been about my husband. I don’t wanna face that problem! :banghead:

Bi-ten and FF… Your messages were beautiful and comforting. Both had the same bottom line that I should love myself and free myself in other ways. Much like my model friend told me, albeit with much more beautiful words than hers. I am trying to do this. I really am.

But I just started doing this, and it is still new to me. I have got trial and error to go through, and in the mean time I hurt. I hurt a lot. I just want to get over the fantasy guy because I know it is not the solution, but the heart is not listening to the head.

It is jarring to realize I am such a social pariah to men. I was expecting joking reassurances of my desirability, and instead I just got an email from a local guy expressing his relief at avoiding me because I am such a drama queen. Or my husband is. Either way, it means the same thing. I am frighteningly undesirable.

[FerociousFeline]

...but the heart is not listening to the head.

It is jarring to realize I am such a social pariah to men. I was expecting joking reassurances of my desirability, and instead I just got an email from a local guy expressing his relief at avoiding me because I am such a drama queen. Or my husband is. Either way, it means the same thing. I am frighteningly undesirable.


Trust me, Rhuth, I completely feel your pain. I just got dumped from a relationship I have had for the last two years by a woman who did the obscene act with a one liner email while being out of town on business. The woman won't give me a single solitary demonstrative reason as to why she did this to me and is being completely closed mouthed about her personal life all of the sudden. We were best friends. We were lovers. She was my buddy. She took it all away from me including my own self esteem and feelings of self worth. I imagine it's as simple as she went out of town and got laid, but if that is indeed the case, she won't even honor my loyalty to her with the truth. It's bad enough that she did this to me in the first place, but now she acts as if I'm the lover who won't let go when the relationship is dead as a doornail. (fact is........it's only been two weeks.....less if you consider that she didn't speak to me at ALL for the first week) Trust me, I know how you feel. I don't know if I have been rejected because of being bi, because she found a new lover and replaced me, or if it was just that she tired of me and didn't care enough to let me know as the "love" she had for me was dying. Any way you cut it, I feel completely betrayed. Any way you cut it, I feel undesirable, and I don't even have the benefit of knowing why. People who tell you that "you look like drama" shouldn't be hated, they should be pitied. The statement is an announcement that they have lost the ability to feel any empathy for the plight another spirit is currently in. They have lost a rather large piece of their HUMANITY. Don't internalize their desire to avoid the reality of the struggle of LIFE. It's THEIR problem, not YOURS. If anything, they are doing you a favor by telling you in advance that they aren't strong enough to be real. I saw your photos. I've listened to your heart speak. I think you are highly desirable. (for what it's worth coming from one of those UNdesireable BI-single-men)

FF

[nothings5d]

I am frighteningly undesirable.

I highly doubt that, I'd say rather the people that make you feel that way are the undesirable ones. In my experience the people who think that no one could possibly love them are actually the people that would be easiest, and best, to love, it's just that they've been hurt by people that don't deserve love, and when people that don't deserve love hurt them they feel lower than those that hurt them. I'm not talking about your husband here, I don't know enough about him to make that judgment. I'm referring to the people that make you feel undesirable, whomever they may be. Stop putting yourself down, no matter what you or your husband are going through putting yourself down will not help.

[Bi-ten]

Hi once more darlin,

I have seen your pictures and read your words, you are beautiful in every way...you just need to believe it.

Sit still and quiet, listen to the voice of God, he makes us all to shine the way we are...the only mistake is to be something we are not.

Hugs again, write anytime you need a friend.

Namaste

[JohnnyV]

Rhuth,

I remember you! We used to joke around online, last summer. I feel for you, but I wish I had more to add to other people's advice. I think the most important thing right now is for you to gage how you feel. If your husband's rules are the source of your angst, then he's the problem you need to fix. If the behavior of the other men, who do not sound understanding, is the source of the problem, then your husband is the solution. But it's something you have to figure out, probably by listening to yourself for a while, and shutting out other people's input.

Hugs back,
J

[AngelOfTheMystic]

I am sorry to hear that you are having maritial problems. I would have to say that I thik that your husband should be able to trust you more around men. I think that is not fair that he can have other women and you can't even have any guy friends..he is obviously insecure and doesn't trust you like you do him. I am a firm believer that if you don't have trust in a relationship than you don't have much of a relationship. I think that yes, what you are doing will make it harder to deal with the hurt of your rejection. In time all wounds do heal and I'm sure that yours will. We are here for you if you need us and I wish you the best of luck. (hugs)