For Better or for Worse, in Straightness and in....Otherwise…When One of You is Bi

[Brian]

By Anonymous

In a perfect world, the “closet” wouldn't even exist because everyone's sexual orientation would be casually out in the open, upfront and universally accepted. The reality, of course, is still miles away from this ideal.

Although media visibility has introduced us to the concept of “gaydar” and a collective idea of what traits trigger it, you really CAN’T tell if someone is straight, gay, or bi just by looking at them, (rainbow badges and “I’m Here, I’m Queer” t-shirts aside). This has made it easy for people to lie outright about their sexuality, or just quietly pass as the default “straight” — as long as nobody suggests otherwise.

The advantage seems obvious— invisibility provides a comfort zone within which one can hide from prejudice in ways visible minorities cannot. Invisibility, however, is also paradoxically to blame for the continued existence of unchallenged homophobia. The thousands of non-straight people who live their lives under the radar add to the impression that alternative sexual orientations belong to a minority small enough to be easily dismissed as deviant.

Because, unlike skin colour or gender, sexual orientation is neither physically apparent nor present immediately at birth, even people who will look upon racists with disgust can still justify other forms of bigotry by convincing themselves that sexuality is a choice, or that it was an acquired perversion due to something that happened to the person.

Throughout history and even today, those who fear persecution or are subject to persistent questioning of their sexual orientation, have resorted to more elaborate charades in the attempt to prove to others that they are straight. Sham relationships and marriages and having children with a person they aren’t really attracted to, these actions help build the elaborate façade they feel is needed to mask their same-sex attraction.
For gay people who would choose a real relationship rather than live a charade, disclosure is then required—at the very least, they’ve got to be “out” to each other. Whichever way they go, a relationship means a forced decision — pretend or disclose?

For a bisexual person to enter a relationship with a straight person, however, neither pretending nor disclosure is necessary, leaving the question unasked and therefore unanswered. Whether or not you choose to disclose your bisexuality openly is a very personal matter, and cannot fairly be subject to the judgment of those who aren’t aware of your specific circumstances. However, when it comes to the subject of disclosure to someone with whom you’ve entered (or hope to build) a serious relationship, being upfront about your bisexuality is crucial, for the short- and long-term benefit of both of you.

(Hear that? That’s the sound of all those alarm bells going off, joyfully ringing out “THREESOMES!” in the minds of many readers out there Keep those pants on (for just a sec longer, though—sex should be about fun and fantasies) —here’s how to walk so you can run to your heart’s content later on…you’ll trip if you start with your pants down to your ankles)

It can be a difficult and confusing road for both partners in a relationship where one has taken the big step and revealed their bisexual inclinations to the other. Working together and communicating openly is crucial at every stage of this process, and don’t rush ahead until both sides know they’ve been heard. If one of you is struggling or reluctant, this will hopefully provide a framework for navigating the subject in the most helpful way.

Step 1: Congratulations, You’re Out!

Yes, feel free to celebrate even at this early moment of overwhelming and conflicting emotions. Regardless of whether you proudly came clean to a new partner as you began to get serious, or if you were disastrously yanked out of the closet when your spouse of 20 years caught you masturbating to gay porn, you’ve taken a big step out in the open, and can breathe a little more easily now that the hiding is over.

Whether you’ve just come out to your lover, or your lover’s just come out to you, there are going to be a lot of questions and a need for discussion. When you make the time to sit down and make this happen—which is essential—these are crucial issues to discuss.

While there has likely been a long process of soul-searching and self-examination to get to the place of understanding you’re at, self-deception can be a powerful thing, and there are many out there whose internalized homophobia is so strong (or even those who just haven’t felt any interest stirring within them whatsovever) that they live in complete denial and obliviousness to their own same-sex attractions.

You owe it to your partner and to yourself to be 100% sure that you are attracted to their gender as well, before going any further. If you do come to the realization that you’re completely gay, it won’t do you or your partner any good to prolong the relationship any further.

One of your partner’s biggest concerns is going to be the reassurance that you’re still very much attracted to them, and you need to, with great care, let them know you’re just happen to be aroused by same-sex fantasies as well.

Another thing you will have to face, regardless of what your intentions or needs regarding acting upon your bisexual urges might be, is the fact that this may be a difficult or even impossible thing for your partner to accept. If you know they’ve had strong homo/biphobic views long before your own sexuality is divulged, it may be an impossible road. Some people are able to change their long-held prejudiced beliefs when they learn someone they know and love admits to being “one of them”, but too often the result is to spontaneously forget years of history and trust in that person

Sharing personal and individual experiences about how you came to this realization (and acceptance of it, etc) is a really good way of helping your partner with their own acceptance. Having a sense of the emotions, fears and challenges is what will most help your partner. The human experience is something a lot easier for us to empathize and identify with, than is a broad, faceless concept like "Bisexuality" (which is already so misunderstood to begin with). Also, sharing stories that take place in a context familiar to them, is a constant reminder to your partner of the real you, not the stranger they may fear you now are.

This can also be an opportunity to open up a dialogue where your partner can feel safe revealing any sexual fantasies they might have been too shy to discuss with you beforehand. Needless to say, you should approach this with the same open-mindedness, patience and understanding you hope they can demonstrate to you—in fact, it’s a great chance for you to set the example.

Step 2: Now What?

You now need to ask yourself, especially if you came out to your partner voluntarily, what your motivations were for doing so. Was it just to share something personal with them in order to build closeness? Was it to explain that you sometimes look at same-sex porn, so that you won’t have to be secretive about it around them? Or maybe you’ve realized that you haven’t done all the experimentation you’d like to do before settling down, maybe you’re not sure if settling down is your eventual plan at all.

You need to really understand your own needs, because you then need to communicate all these things to your partner Successful relationships require an understanding of the other’s expectations, and as in all unions, they have the right to know what they’re getting into. It isn’t fair to lead them on, or to let them go on planning your future together if you have any doubts that you’ll want that same conclusion.

Don’t approach this discussion as though you’re writing a contract—this is a process of learning and understanding, and it’s important for both of you to keep that in mind at all times. What it is, however, (or should be, at least) is an honest disclosure of the situation as far as you can know yourself, and an assessment of how likely you think things are to change, or how certain you are that they won’t. Desires and needs can develop and change over time, and so can your partner’s comfort level in accepting or accommodating them. If and when the status quo requires change, you will both need to reopen discussions.

Step 3: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Pornography

The reality is that our recurring sexual urges are not going to just go away when they’re inconvenient, and the best way of keeping them under out control is to have an outlet for them. When acting on bisexual urges isn’t a desirable or possible option (and there are countless reasons for this—you’re in a happily committed relationship but your fantasies occasionally involve members of the same sex; the object of your desire is a celebrity you’ll never meet; your partner is fast asleep and you don’t want to wake them; you’ve concocted an elaborate scenario that takes place 500 years in the future) many people find an easy outlet in some form of erotica or pornography, and it is strongly recommended that both partners make the decision to be comfortable with the presence of porn in their own or their partner’s sex lives.

Many people have issues with porn (http://main.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2081), and if you’re already dealing with bi disclosure, you might overload. However, porn and erotica can be a simple and private means. Jealousy can certainly happen, but many people do like porn, even when they have a wonderful sexual mate, and it isn’t something to be taken personally or to feel insecure about.

This is an especially important area for those dating a bisexual. If you can get to the point of not being threatened at all by the fact that your partner sometimes fantasizes about random people who aren’t you, it’s a lot easier to accept that their attraction to people of the same gender can remain part of their anything-goes fantasy world, instead of needing to be played out in the more complicated reality. And besides, sometimes all the other-gender-experimentation that many bisexuals crave is to have a good free-for-all-fantasy wank, comfortably free of shame or secrecy.

Step 4: Talk Pervy to Me: Bringing Bisexuality, Bisexuals and Beyond to your Bedroom

Still with us? Great! Should you wish to continue to experiment and explore your bisexuality, there are a number of options. Should you find your partner eager and willing to experiment with you, inviting some gender role-play or other fantasy scenarios into your routine can be an exciting adventure for both of you. Haven’t visited a sex toy store lately? Now would be a good time to take a trip together, you’ll discover a number of toys to help bring these fantasies to life and they’re coming up with all sorts of new surprises every day.

If your bisexual desires still urge you to experiment with another lover, threesomes (or more-somes) and polyamory are solutions that many bisexuals find work for them; there are other (http://main.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1354) articles (http://main.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?t=498) on this site about these topics should you wish to learn more.

Learning about your needs, how to fulfill them and take care of your partner is a process that requires a lot of time, sharing and understanding. Making changes to both of your lives is going to take time and is going to be a hard road to travel. But hopefully both of you can keep in mind why you’re together in the first case, and from there understanding, acceptance and maybe a whole new dash of fun can be added to your relationship.



(c) Copryight 2007 Anonymous

[AngelOfTheMystic]

Wow that was a lot to take in thank you to whoever wrote that article! I know that I am glad that I was open about my sexuality to my husband. He is a great man and I am glad that he supports me!

[russable]

well;not sure what i did wrote one reply already and lost it!trying to correct some errors.anyway what i said was that i originally came to this site looking for sexual connections,and what i have found has turned out to be much more beneficial.articles such as these make you think!a lot of it points out things that relate directly to my situation,at least.looking for sex ended up thinking hmmmmmm.the other thing is that for the very first time i have been able to ask and be asked questions by people who also consider themselves bi!! it has been and is a great release.intelligent articles such as this remind me that i am not here as much for sex as i am for connections to real people who can and have helped me express that which i have forbidden. i thank you all!!

[Rocsteady]

I really enjoyed the article and I agree on many if not all of the points it raised. I am currently single and it can be difficult to find acceptance with people I date. At some point during the date, the question of sex comes up and I let it be known that I am bisexual. It can be difficult but, I am more comfortable being honest from the start. (I have watched alot of fine booty walk away) :banghead: At the end of the day I know it is for the best. This site has been really supportive and a great outlet for thoughts, ideas, and discussion. I am hoping to physically meet someone but I am being patient. :flag3:

[Long Duck Dong]

not sure how I feel about the article... its insightful and well written, a brilliant article, but like so many articles and authors.... its reducing bisexuality to multiple dual sex partners, porn and the need to have multiple sexual encounters

bisexuality is more than that.... its about being a multi faceted individual..... as a bisexual, its important to me that people don't think that I am just a person that needs to have multiple sexual encounters and watches porn all the time......

its important to me, that as a bisexual, I am known as a open, honest, caring, unselfish person that is not driven by my bisexual desires and attractions
that I am known by my achievements in life, not by my sexual orientation.... and that I rise awareness of bisexuals as people with feelings, opinions and desires that stretch far beyond having sex, and the fact that we are musicians, writers, actors.... voices and faces that make a greater impact in todays society other than a cum stain on the sheets

bisexual.com is a reflecting of many walks of life, many ages, opinions and ideals..... why are we focusing on bisexuality as a sexuality thing only.....
is that all we are ??? sex machines...?????

[flexuality]

not sure how I feel about the article... its insightful and well written, a brilliant article, but like so many articles and authors.... its reducing bisexuality to multiple dual sex partners, porn and the need to have multiple sexual encounters

bisexuality is more than that.... its about being a multi faceted individual..... as a bisexual, its important to me that people don't think that I am just a person that needs to have multiple sexual encounters and watches porn all the time......

its important to me, that as a bisexual, I am known as a open, honest, caring, unselfish person that is not driven by my bisexual desires and attractions
that I am known by my achievements in life, not by my sexual orientation.... and that I rise awareness of bisexuals as people with feelings, opinions and desires that stretch far beyond having sex, and the fact that we are musicians, writers, actors.... voices and faces that make a greater impact in todays society other than a cum stain on the sheets

bisexual.com is a reflecting of many walks of life, many ages, opinions and ideals..... why are we focusing on bisexuality as a sexuality thing only.....
is that all we are ??? sex machines...?????

I absolutely agree with you! There is so much more to me than just sex.

[ghytifrdnr]

LDD asks: why are we focusing on bisexuality as a sexuality thing only.....
is that all we are ??? sex machines...?????

My answer would be, Yes. All the other aspects of our lives can be discussed with other people, in other places and other forums. But this is one of the few places we can safely discuss our sexuality. :shades:

[ghytifrdnr]

And.... I suppose the article might be somewhat useful to people just getting started in life, but to one who's relationship is in it's forty-second year, it doesn't offer much. :(

[flexuality]

LDD asks: why are we focusing on bisexuality as a sexuality thing only.....
is that all we are ??? sex machines...?????

My answer would be, Yes. All the other aspects of our lives can be discussed with other people, in other places and other forums. But this is one of the few places we can safely discuss our sexuality. :shades:

I agree that this is one of the few places we can discuss our sexuality, and I also think that who I am as a person has a huge impact on who I am sexually.

To try to somehow separate the two, in my opinion, would be invalidating and limiting. I find that learning about some of the other aspects of people, in addition to bisexuality, far more helpful and insightful.

Just my opinion. :cool:

[Long Duck Dong]

LDD asks: why are we focusing on bisexuality as a sexuality thing only.....
is that all we are ??? sex machines...?????

My answer would be, Yes. All the other aspects of our lives can be discussed with other people, in other places and other forums. But this is one of the few places we can safely discuss our sexuality. :shades:

indeed it is one of the only places that we can be openly and freely bisexual.....

I don't do cyber, porn bores me and I am celibate.....the 3 main areas of bisexuality don't apply to me....so... I wanna know more about other areas of bisexuality

I wanna know things like the background of the LGBT vampire groups in the usa.....

who was the great bisexual martial artists, who were their teachers and did it affect their experiences in training and tournaments

is there truely a connection between bisexuals and sex crimes... or is it in fact a heterosexual domain....

is it true that shaman and the other ancient faiths, practiced bisexual acts either as natural bisexuals or as a way of choice...

how did pederasty and the ancient samurai work in regards to being bisexual and were there bushido issues ???

[sammie19]

Its merely a presentation thing because I have always found the featured articles interesting and informative, but as soon as we open the whole article up I find that the screeds of rolling script on a grey background doesnt encourage me to read on. Can they not be presented in a more attractive and eye catching way to encourage us to do just that? Food for thought Drew.

[glantern954]

This was a good article, but I did stop reading and changed to scanning about 1/3 of the way through since I have already lived this. So for me, there also was nothing new but I don't think most people are in that boat and would get something out of it.

I don't think the articles are always about sex. Wasn't the last one about being out to your doctor? It has to be difficult to create an article with mass appeal. How many newbies would be weirded out by an article on LGBT vampires splashed on the front page of bisexual.com? Unless of course it was Halloween.

I think the articles do a good job of finding things we have in common as a group.

[ambi53mm]

By Anonymous

The advantage seems obvious— invisibility provides a comfort zone within which one can hide from prejudice in ways visible minorities cannot. Invisibility, however, is also paradoxically to blame for the continued existence of unchallenged homophobia. The thousands of non-straight people who live their lives under the radar add to the impression that alternative sexual orientations belong to a minority small enough to be easily dismissed as deviant.



Interesting article and I enjoyed the creativity in expressing some very valid points for consideration…I guess where I’m a little confused is if you feel and state that invisibility is to “blame” for the continued existence of unchallenged homophobia, why you would choose to use the name “Anonymous” as the Featured Article’s creator? It gives the impression that somehow being closeted may be your preferred mode of expression as well…No judgment nor disrespect if that’s the case..just curious as to your intent in doing so.

Ambi :)

[12voltman59]

I think the article was very well done and had some good points--many of those things mentioned are things I am working out for myself---

As far as the articles go, each one is an individual piece trying to address some aspect of bisexuality--just like in most things--one article or even an entire book cannot effectively deal with every aspect of the subject--bisexuality is really a very broad and deep subject--to a degree far beyond what I had originally thought when I started this process of trying to figure out this part of myself.

Thanks to the author of this piece and thanks to everyone for their responses--it is a great education and valuable tool for figuring this crazy thing out.....

[daphne_cafe]

Interesting article and I enjoyed the creativity in expressing some very valid points for consideration…I guess where I’m a little confused is if you feel and state that invisibility is to “blame” for the continued existence of unchallenged homophobia, why you would choose to use the name “Anonymous” as the Featured Article’s creator? It gives the impression that somehow being closeted may be your preferred mode of expression as well…No judgment nor disrespect if that’s the case..just curious as to your intent in doing so.

Ambi :)


Hi there- this is the "Anonymous" author of the article, and TRUST me, that was a hard thing to rationalize on my own as well- i do very much feel like a bit of a hypocrite by writing one thing and doing another.
Trust me when i say that i debated that quite a bit- I hope it helps to understand that I am very much out in my real life, to my partner, family and friends, and do a lot of community outreach work relating to Bi issues as well.

the main reason (really, the only reason) i chose to stay anonymous for this article is the ubiquitous Google issue...I don't lie about or try to hide my sexuality if the subject comes up, but when new people find out, i don't want it to be because they discovered it by accident through Google or some other search engine.
That way i might never actually know that they know (which would make a lot of things awkward!) or WHAT they know, if it's right or wrong.
Because there IS so much misinformation and stereotyping out there about bisexuals, I want to make sure I have the opportunity to set the record straight, and explain who I am on my own terms, using my own words.

people DO like to jump to conclusions, don't they? ;)

[12voltman59]

I think it is just fine that you chose to go unnamed-at this point I probably would do so as well--I would most likely use a pen name though.

Elsewhere on the forum, there is a posting about people who are using their MySpace site to come out--I think that is great.

I have a MySpace site as well and I have not identified my sexual orientation on there because I am using the site for other interests. I have not put anything in that regard and I figure I will let people wonder why.

I am at MySpace for my interest in music and in some of the writing things I do---while if someone asked me directly about what I consider my sexual orientation to be now--I would tell them--I don't want it to be an issue that might hamper what I am trying to accomplish with that site---and God knows--with some folks--it could become and issue that doesn't have to come up since my project mentioned there has nothing to do with anything sexual at all.

I come to this site to discuss bisexuality and related issues---I go there for other things.

I am considering developing a pen name in order to do projects on bisexuality and related areas--and not to hide anything but because of market forces---if you allow your "real" name to be used for such work---you can get ghettoized and stereotyped as only working in that one area or any area for that matter---this is nothing new in the publishing world--many writers in history who wrote "risque" works did so using a pen name--that's just human nature and the nature of the writing business that likes to put people into boxes and once there--ya can't get out.

[ambi53mm]

Hi there- this is the "Anonymous" author of the article, and TRUST me, that was a hard thing to rationalize on my own as well- i do very much feel like a bit of a hypocrite by writing one thing and doing another.
Trust me when i say that i debated that quite a bit- I hope it helps to understand that I am very much out in my real life, to my partner, family and friends, and do a lot of community outreach work relating to Bi issues as well.

the main reason (really, the only reason) i chose to stay anonymous for this article is the ubiquitous Google issue...I don't lie about or try to hide my sexuality if the subject comes up, but when new people find out, i don't want it to be because they discovered it by accident through Google or some other search engine.
That way i might never actually know that they know (which would make a lot of things awkward!) or WHAT they know, if it's right or wrong.
Because there IS so much misinformation and stereotyping out there about bisexuals, I want to make sure I have the opportunity to set the record straight, and explain who I am on my own terms, using my own words.

people DO like to jump to conclusions, don't they? ;)

Thanks for the response :) I think what drew my attention was the word "Anonymous" not so much for your reasons to remain anonymous but why you would choose that as a signature as opposed to some fictious signature to write under. ( Samuel Clemmens / Mark Twain). LOL I guess sometimes I'm looking for a hidden meaning or intent where it doesn't exist.
I am in the closet in my day to day and so I do fit into that category whose silence in some ways contributes to the lack of recognition. No apoligies. We all pick our own battles and the "Bisexual Cause" I'll leave to those whose passion moves them to that end.I'm happy enjoying life under the gaydar. It affords me the freedom of movement and privacy which means more to me than the freedom of expression at this point in my life.
Your article stands on it's own merrits no matter what name you pen...and in the end..that's all that matters..excellent piece!

Ambi :)

[Long Duck Dong]

hugs ya daphne

when i saw the name * anonymous * I thought that, yes, you were anonymous....if i was to walk past you in the street, I would never know that you wrote a brilliant article

I have faced that aspect..... I used to write so much for spiritual sites, and my friends were telling me about this incredible writer with such a understanding of spirituality and how to make it so simple

I would stand there and know that i was the writer, somebody that was not hiding behind a name, but drawing attention to my words and helping people without drawing attention to myself

the name * anonymous * fit your article so well, as I was reading the words of a person that could have been any one of us.....posting a name with a article changes it, it becomes your experience thru your eyes, and not our experience thru our eyes

well done on a fantastic name choice for the article, and please write more

[spunkyred]

i visited the site to get some feedback/insight. I am in a relationship with a wonderful man for the past 2 years. His lifestyle very much differed from mine. He has been in a swingers lifestyle and has explored by being with someone from the same gender. I would label myself homophobic. We have discussed exploring new things and although i do fantasize i am hesitant that this is something i like to explore. I am very confused. Any insight, any comments would be welcomed.

[stuporman]

Message to twelve volt.......Although Bob Marley was a liberator as far as ganja smoking goes, he was in fact a homophobe, as are most jamaican men.
I worked for a reggae band for many years, and while I loved the music and the message of tolerance, that tolerance did NOT extend to gay and biseuxal men. Aparently bi women are "exotic", or at the worst "unclean", but two men havign sex is an "abomination" which deserves death. Which is why when I go to a reggae show, I always carry a little "suprise" on my person.
I am married to a straight woman who has had a lot of bad sex, either to keep her place to live, job, etc. Sexually, she's not repressed...she's just burned out. I have had very little sex in my life, and as a result feel more than a little bit cheated. if you want to know what my life is like try watching "Married with Children" sometimes. Sure, its funny when it happens to Al Bundy, but when it happens to you, you either get yourself a second and guitar and get in with the right bunch of fellows, or you become a serial killer. I'll take the music thanks. Sometimes its my only reason for living. :bipride: "She is all that I have left, and music is her name" -CSN

[holybane]

I don't know if that was helpful or just depressing. Me and my gf are in love and she says she's okay with bisexuality, but she hates porn, can't stand that I want other people, and doesn't like to talk about it. It hurts her and it just seems like it might get worse. Damn.

[Cowan]

By Anonymous

In a perfect world, the “closet” wouldn't even exist because everyone's sexual orientation would be casually out in the open, upfront and universally accepted. The reality, of course, is still miles away from this ideal.

Although media visibility has introduced us to the concept of “gaydar” and a collective idea of what traits trigger it, you really CAN’T tell if someone is straight, gay, or bi just by looking at them, (rainbow badges and “I’m Here, I’m Queer” t-shirts aside). This has made it easy for people to lie outright about their sexuality, or just quietly pass as the default “straight” — as long as nobody suggests otherwise.

The advantage seems obvious— invisibility provides a comfort zone within which one can hide from prejudice in ways visible minorities cannot. Invisibility, however, is also paradoxically to blame for the continued existence of unchallenged homophobia. The thousands of non-straight people who live their lives under the radar add to the impression that alternative sexual orientations belong to a minority small enough to be easily dismissed as deviant.

Because, unlike skin colour or gender, sexual orientation is neither physically apparent nor present immediately at birth, even people who will look upon racists with disgust can still justify other forms of bigotry by convincing themselves that sexuality is a choice, or that it was an acquired perversion due to something that happened to the person.

Throughout history and even today, those who fear persecution or are subject to persistent questioning of their sexual orientation, have resorted to more elaborate charades in the attempt to prove to others that they are straight. Sham relationships and marriages and having children with a person they aren’t really attracted to, these actions help build the elaborate façade they feel is needed to mask their same-sex attraction.
For gay people who would choose a real relationship rather than live a charade, disclosure is then required—at the very least, they’ve got to be “out” to each other. Whichever way they go, a relationship means a forced decision — pretend or disclose?

For a bisexual person to enter a relationship with a straight person, however, neither pretending nor disclosure is necessary, leaving the question unasked and therefore unanswered. Whether or not you choose to disclose your bisexuality openly is a very personal matter, and cannot fairly be subject to the judgment of those who aren’t aware of your specific circumstances. However, when it comes to the subject of disclosure to someone with whom you’ve entered (or hope to build) a serious relationship, being upfront about your bisexuality is crucial, for the short- and long-term benefit of both of you.

(Hear that? That’s the sound of all those alarm bells going off, joyfully ringing out “THREESOMES!” in the minds of many readers out there Keep those pants on (for just a sec longer, though—sex should be about fun and fantasies) —here’s how to walk so you can run to your heart’s content later on…you’ll trip if you start with your pants down to your ankles)

It can be a difficult and confusing road for both partners in a relationship where one has taken the big step and revealed their bisexual inclinations to the other. Working together and communicating openly is crucial at every stage of this process, and don’t rush ahead until both sides know they’ve been heard. If one of you is struggling or reluctant, this will hopefully provide a framework for navigating the subject in the most helpful way.

Step 1: Congratulations, You’re Out!

Yes, feel free to celebrate even at this early moment of overwhelming and conflicting emotions. Regardless of whether you proudly came clean to a new partner as you began to get serious, or if you were disastrously yanked out of the closet when your spouse of 20 years caught you masturbating to gay porn, you’ve taken a big step out in the open, and can breathe a little more easily now that the hiding is over.

Whether you’ve just come out to your lover, or your lover’s just come out to you, there are going to be a lot of questions and a need for discussion. When you make the time to sit down and make this happen—which is essential—these are crucial issues to discuss.

While there has likely been a long process of soul-searching and self-examination to get to the place of understanding you’re at, self-deception can be a powerful thing, and there are many out there whose internalized homophobia is so strong (or even those who just haven’t felt any interest stirring within them whatsovever) that they live in complete denial and obliviousness to their own same-sex attractions.

You owe it to your partner and to yourself to be 100% sure that you are attracted to their gender as well, before going any further. If you do come to the realization that you’re completely gay, it won’t do you or your partner any good to prolong the relationship any further.

One of your partner’s biggest concerns is going to be the reassurance that you’re still very much attracted to them, and you need to, with great care, let them know you’re just happen to be aroused by same-sex fantasies as well.

Another thing you will have to face, regardless of what your intentions or needs regarding acting upon your bisexual urges might be, is the fact that this may be a difficult or even impossible thing for your partner to accept. If you know they’ve had strong homo/biphobic views long before your own sexuality is divulged, it may be an impossible road. Some people are able to change their long-held prejudiced beliefs when they learn someone they know and love admits to being “one of them”, but too often the result is to spontaneously forget years of history and trust in that person

Sharing personal and individual experiences about how you came to this realization (and acceptance of it, etc) is a really good way of helping your partner with their own acceptance. Having a sense of the emotions, fears and challenges is what will most help your partner. The human experience is something a lot easier for us to empathize and identify with, than is a broad, faceless concept like "Bisexuality" (which is already so misunderstood to begin with). Also, sharing stories that take place in a context familiar to them, is a constant reminder to your partner of the real you, not the stranger they may fear you now are.

This can also be an opportunity to open up a dialogue where your partner can feel safe revealing any sexual fantasies they might have been too shy to discuss with you beforehand. Needless to say, you should approach this with the same open-mindedness, patience and understanding you hope they can demonstrate to you—in fact, it’s a great chance for you to set the example.

Step 2: Now What?

You now need to ask yourself, especially if you came out to your partner voluntarily, what your motivations were for doing so. Was it just to share something personal with them in order to build closeness? Was it to explain that you sometimes look at same-sex porn, so that you won’t have to be secretive about it around them? Or maybe you’ve realized that you haven’t done all the experimentation you’d like to do before settling down, maybe you’re not sure if settling down is your eventual plan at all.

You need to really understand your own needs, because you then need to communicate all these things to your partner Successful relationships require an understanding of the other’s expectations, and as in all unions, they have the right to know what they’re getting into. It isn’t fair to lead them on, or to let them go on planning your future together if you have any doubts that you’ll want that same conclusion.

Don’t approach this discussion as though you’re writing a contract—this is a process of learning and understanding, and it’s important for both of you to keep that in mind at all times. What it is, however, (or should be, at least) is an honest disclosure of the situation as far as you can know yourself, and an assessment of how likely you think things are to change, or how certain you are that they won’t. Desires and needs can develop and change over time, and so can your partner’s comfort level in accepting or accommodating them. If and when the status quo requires change, you will both need to reopen discussions.

Step 3: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Pornography

The reality is that our recurring sexual urges are not going to just go away when they’re inconvenient, and the best way of keeping them under out control is to have an outlet for them. When acting on bisexual urges isn’t a desirable or possible option (and there are countless reasons for this—you’re in a happily committed relationship but your fantasies occasionally involve members of the same sex; the object of your desire is a celebrity you’ll never meet; your partner is fast asleep and you don’t want to wake them; you’ve concocted an elaborate scenario that takes place 500 years in the future) many people find an easy outlet in some form of erotica or pornography, and it is strongly recommended that both partners make the decision to be comfortable with the presence of porn in their own or their partner’s sex lives.

Many people have issues with porn (http://main.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2081), and if you’re already dealing with bi disclosure, you might overload. However, porn and erotica can be a simple and private means. Jealousy can certainly happen, but many people do like porn, even when they have a wonderful sexual mate, and it isn’t something to be taken personally or to feel insecure about.

This is an especially important area for those dating a bisexual. If you can get to the point of not being threatened at all by the fact that your partner sometimes fantasizes about random people who aren’t you, it’s a lot easier to accept that their attraction to people of the same gender can remain part of their anything-goes fantasy world, instead of needing to be played out in the more complicated reality. And besides, sometimes all the other-gender-experimentation that many bisexuals crave is to have a good free-for-all-fantasy wank, comfortably free of shame or secrecy.

Step 4: Talk Pervy to Me: Bringing Bisexuality, Bisexuals and Beyond to your Bedroom

Still with us? Great! Should you wish to continue to experiment and explore your bisexuality, there are a number of options. Should you find your partner eager and willing to experiment with you, inviting some gender role-play or other fantasy scenarios into your routine can be an exciting adventure for both of you. Haven’t visited a sex toy store lately? Now would be a good time to take a trip together, you’ll discover a number of toys to help bring these fantasies to life and they’re coming up with all sorts of new surprises every day.

If your bisexual desires still urge you to experiment with another lover, threesomes (or more-somes) and polyamory are solutions that many bisexuals find work for them; there are other (http://main.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1354) articles (http://main.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?t=498) on this site about these topics should you wish to learn more.

Learning about your needs, how to fulfill them and take care of your partner is a process that requires a lot of time, sharing and understanding. Making changes to both of your lives is going to take time and is going to be a hard road to travel. But hopefully both of you can keep in mind why you’re together in the first case, and from there understanding, acceptance and maybe a whole new dash of fun can be added to your relationship.



(c) Copryight 2007 Anonymous
Great subject as I am bi but my partner is straight and she just loves my life style and supports me in all I do in it. She also loves seeing me pleasure another guy in anyway and loves seein me take it up the ass, as I am a loud energectic fuck I just let it all out and go with it. :bibounce: :rolleyes: Oh yes I'm very open with my lifestyle

[TaylorMade]

I don't know if that was helpful or just depressing. Me and my gf are in love and she says she's okay with bisexuality, but she hates porn, can't stand that I want other people, and doesn't like to talk about it. It hurts her and it just seems like it might get worse. Damn.

It sounds like she wants to keep you (take it as a compliment of your non sexual qualities. . .) but doesn't love you. :(

*Taylor*

[BicuriousWA]

well;not sure what i did wrote one reply already and lost it!trying to correct some errors.anyway what i said was that i originally came to this site looking for sexual connections,and what i have found has turned out to be much more beneficial.articles such as these make you think!a lot of it points out things that relate directly to my situation,at least.looking for sex ended up thinking hmmmmmm.the other thing is that for the very first time i have been able to ask and be asked questions by people who also consider themselves bi!! it has been and is a great release.intelligent articles such as this remind me that i am not here as much for sex as i am for connections to real people who can and have helped me express that which i have forbidden. i thank you all!!


Great post russable. I completely agree with you. I also came to this site to chat and find sexual connections, but all of the information available has been very valuable and thought provoking. It's great having a place to go to express this side of my sexuality. I love being able to talk intelligently to other people that I can relate to.

[mouse46]

:flag4: I guess I'd have to go along with what Long Duck Dong quoted. I believe people can be more than just sex machines. That people should look to what else they have to offer someone, That being bisexual is not all who you are. There;s more than meets the eye.Giving of yourself in all aspects is what's important to truely be yourself with the ones you love and the ones you want to know. Being biis part of me but not all of who I am as a person. Looking beyond the erotic chat to see and want to see who's really inside ,that's important to me and should be with everyone. :flag4:

[patnmoe]

undefinedundefinedundefined
I am new to all this Bi stuff i found the article very interesting,but not alot was said about the person who is not Bi and how they are to cope with this new frontier their partner has chosen. I am not saying that Bi is not normal or otherwise but i feel there is two sides to every story. some insite on that would be nice. Just a hint for a new article that could be written.

[Catherine]

I am one of those that married. We have had four beautiful children together and I have not regretted that choice either. But I still long for that female companion. I did find the courage finally to come out of the closet at 42. Very Hitch Hiker of the Galaxy of me in timing, I know. But that article at least shows me that I'm not alone and I have started to take the right steps.

What spurred me finally to come out was the death of my beloved Gay uncle who died needlessly in the closet because he was afraid that he had AIDs and didn't want his family to know. He had Hep B. But he never went to the doctor until it was far too late.

The closet kills and I hope one day we only see that in old museums of Gay history.

Catherine

[Purplegirl]

To whom ever wrote that article, thank you! It was very helpful to me. I am still new to being "Bi", just a couple years since when I discovered I liked my own sex too. It was a great challenge at that time because I was already in a relationship, and if only I had been part of this community then. I know it would have helped me a great deal. Fortunately my partner and I got through that surprising discovery. And he is better with it now. But it was and still is hard sometimes. We are still in the midst of our discussions over this topic. Thank you for the simple but very important reminder of making sure we get our needs met too. I think it is easy to repress them. For a while I was having great longings to look at nude women and I would open up a book of nude women at a book store only to guiltily quickly put it back! I finally did look at nude pictures and with my partner! He seemed totally fine with it. And I felt very soothed and peaceful and calm inside and like I was finally okay. its hard to explain in words.

I do agree that there is more than us then being bi. Of course there is! And bi is just a label. It can't contain us. Labels can be useful i suppose. I hope and dream that one day we wont need labels. That we can be free to express ourselves.

Thank you again. And I am looking forward to exploring this community more and connecting with other like minded souls.

Caroline

[jewldiamond]

I decided 4 yrs ago I wanted to be with intimate with women.my husband of 14 yrs at the time looked at me with wondering eyes as if to ask,'Why are you doing this to me? You just dropped a major bombshell on me'.
I told him,(though it was after he agreed it was ok with him) that I was going to do it,weather he liked it or not but he said he understood. Much to my suprise,he was very supportive & we have had a few threesomes which we liked but decided we enjoyed 1 on 1 much better.I later told him I'd been thinking about it for 4 yrs but never said anything.Now married 18 yrs,he sometimes gets jealous when I want to be with a women more than a man,(any man for that matter,as we both swing) but at times,my passion for women is much stronger;sometimes my desire for women is very overwhelming for me.
I'm brand new here & this if the 1st thread here I saw I wanted to respond to.It gave me some insight.I would like to thank the author for starting this thread.

[bi NH female]

I too am a married one. I've been with my husband for 11 years now and just officially came out to him two years ago. He knows me better than I know myself, so naturally he was fine with my bisexuality. We've been involved with another woman, as well as with another married couple. The challenges arose when the married couple and I became more involved in threesomes without my husband, and they ended up falling hard for me! They were very high school about everything and there was so much miscommunication! We have broke it off, and it was far from smooth... Be careful!! (Things are fine with my girlfriend. We've been friends for 11 years and it's a casual thing.)

[slowwyy]

I decided 4 yrs ago I wanted to be with intimate with women.my husband of 14 yrs at the time looked at me with wondering eyes as if to ask,'Why are you doing this to me? You just dropped a major bombshell on me'.
I told him,(though it was after he agreed it was ok with him) that I was going to do it,weather he liked it or not but he said he understood. Much to my suprise,he was very supportive & we have had a few threesomes which we liked but decided we enjoyed 1 on 1 much better.I later told him I'd been thinking about it for 4 yrs but never said anything.Now married 18 yrs,he sometimes gets jealous when I want to be with a women more than a man,(any man for that matter,as we both swing) but at times,my passion for women is much stronger;sometimes my desire for women is very overwhelming for me.
I'm brand new here & this if the 1st thread here I saw I wanted to respond to.It gave me some insight.I would like to thank the author for starting this thread.
::tongue::)
I WISH I HAD A WIFE THAT WAS BI!!!!! TWO WOMEN EXPLORING EACH OTHER'S BODY AND SUCKING EACH OTHER'S PUSSY'S IS SO HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I KNOW I WOULDN'T GET JEALOUS OR GET MAD,I'D SIT BACK,TAKE MY CLOTH OFF AND START PLAYING WITH MY FAT COCK AND IT'S JUST A MATTER OF TIME,THEY SEE A REAL NICE COCK AND THINK,"I CAN EAT PUSSY AND HAVE A FAT COCK IN MY PUSSY,AND CAN HAVE ORGASM'S AT BOTH END'S,HOW FUCKING HOT IS THAT"??????????????
WHEW,I GOTTA SIT BACK AND CUM INTO BOTH OF THESE CHIC'S WHILE BOTH OF THEM CUM AT THE SAME TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MAIL ME BACK SOON,
Danny
nady652@yahoo.com

[DiamondDog]

::tongue::)
I WISH I HAD A WIFE THAT WAS BI!!!!! TWO WOMEN EXPLORING EACH OTHER'S BODY AND SUCKING EACH OTHER'S PUSSY'S IS SO HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I KNOW I WOULDN'T GET JEALOUS OR GET MAD,I'D SIT BACK,TAKE MY CLOTH OFF AND START PLAYING WITH MY FAT COCK AND IT'S JUST A MATTER OF TIME,THEY SEE A REAL NICE COCK AND THINK,"I CAN EAT PUSSY AND HAVE A FAT COCK IN MY PUSSY,AND CAN HAVE ORGASM'S AT BOTH END'S,HOW FUCKING HOT IS THAT"??????????????
WHEW,I GOTTA SIT BACK AND CUM INTO BOTH OF THESE CHIC'S WHILE BOTH OF THEM CUM AT THE SAME TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MAIL ME BACK SOON,
Danny
nady652@yahoo.com

:bdaygrin::kiss:

[lonelygirlintx]

I'm so glad to have read that article. I have been with my husband for 5 years and about six mos. to a year into our relationship, I let him know I was bisexual and he accepted it, he loves me for it still, and I am so thankful that I found someone like that. He has been with me through all of my soul searching that have to do with my sexuality and he's the best. And I wish that everyone in the world could find what I have found.

[sweetnfun]

:color::bigrin::female:I to am in the same relationship, and I would like to get to know you if pos.....:flag4:

[Psykels]

I am in a straight relationship and my boyfriend knew me as friend before hand, so he always knew I was bi, i've always been open about it to him.
but he's not up for the threesomes, and we talked it through.
And I love him, I've been with him for three years and he makes me so happy, and I don't mind not being with girls as well as him, we discussed me having another partner, but we both felt it'd ruin what we have, plus the fact my family don't know, and will probably disown me.
but i love him
and I'm happy to be with just him
because I only have one partner at a time,
and I'm sorry to ask, but I've only just come out,two years ago (but I knew since my pre-teen's I wasn't just straight, and I didn't know bi-sexuality exsisted...but does having one partner at a time make me not bi?

[straight_wife]

The one thing that is missing from this article is a little bit of compassion for your significant other. I will not attempt to speak for anyone but myself. I see this as the biggest and most horrible thing that has ever happened in my life. I was a happily married woman, with a husband that I adored. Now I can't even stand to think about him, let alone touch him. It literally makes me sick to my stomach to see two men all over each other. I do not know why. I think everyone should live a life that will make them happy, but I can not be a part of this lifestyle. Since my spouse has told me about being bisexual, I have been seriously suicidal. I feel unloved, unwanted, un-sexy, unappreciated, and totally disposable. This is what his new-found identity has done for me. I was an incredibly happy person before this was discovered. Now I am dying on the inside, one day at a time. I feel like no one ever will love me the way I need to be loved. I would like to be more supportive of my husband, but this is one thing that no matter how hard I try, I just can NOT accept. Our marriage is over. THAT is the reality of one of you being bi and one straight. My sexual orientation is not going to change just because he suddenly decided that this was ok. I am leaving him. You don't see people like me on these message boards because I DONT WANT TO BE HERE! The only reason I am is because it is being forced upon me. Just like this new lifestyle was being FORCED on me. I do not adhere to bully tactics. So when I was told to either accept it or move on. Well you see what I decided. I am leaving him. Just know that leaving will always be an option for your SO.

[Fred_Brice]

WoW, so sorry to hear that....


The one thing that is missing from this article is a little bit of compassion for your significant other. I will not attempt to speak for anyone but myself. I see this as the biggest and most horrible thing that has ever happened in my life. I was a happily married woman, with a husband that I adored. Now I can't even stand to think about him, let alone touch him. It literally makes me sick to my stomach to see two men all over each other. I do not know why. I think everyone should live a life that will make them happy, but I can not be a part of this lifestyle. Since my spouse has told me about being bisexual, I have been seriously suicidal. I feel unloved, unwanted, un-sexy, unappreciated, and totally disposable. This is what his new-found identity has done for me. I was an incredibly happy person before this was discovered. Now I am dying on the inside, one day at a time. I feel like no one ever will love me the way I need to be loved. I would like to be more supportive of my husband, but this is one thing that no matter how hard I try, I just can NOT accept. Our marriage is over. THAT is the reality of one of you being bi and one straight. My sexual orientation is not going to change just because he suddenly decided that this was ok. I am leaving him. You don't see people like me on these message boards because I DONT WANT TO BE HERE! The only reason I am is because it is being forced upon me. Just like this new lifestyle was being FORCED on me. I do not adhere to bully tactics. So when I was told to either accept it or move on. Well you see what I decided. I am leaving him. Just know that leaving will always be an option for your SO.

[straight_wife]

I just thought someone should express that there is a possibility of losing your spouse. I will not be returning to these filthy forums anymore either. I came in hoping that there might be some shred of decency among bi-sexuals, but I see none. All I see is everyone thinks that everyone should be free to fuck everyone. This is not what I believe in my heart to be right. So no I will not be returning to your forums. Have a good life, I know mine has to get better from here.

[csrakate]

I just thought someone should express that there is a possibility of losing your spouse. I will not be returning to these filthy forums anymore either. I came in hoping that there might be some shred of decency among bi-sexuals, but I see none. All I see is everyone thinks that everyone should be free to fuck everyone. This is not what I believe in my heart to be right. So no I will not be returning to your forums. Have a good life, I know mine has to get better from here.
I am so very sorry that your time here was under duress and not of your choosing, but for you to leave under the assumption that there is no decency among bisexuals is grossly unfair. I understand how you feel....I know your pain and I acknowledge your fears. I've been there, done that because I am also the wife of a bisexual man. But being here has been a very different experience for me and I am sorry that you don't choose to stick around and find out for yourself. This has been a very open and understanding community that has been more than welcoming as well as supportive of my feelings. I have learned so much from these folks that I am forever indebted to them for what they have taught me.

If there is one thing that I have learned since chatting here it's that my husband's sexual attraction to the same sex has absolutely NOTHING to do with his feelings and/or attraction to me. I have also learned that bisexuals are fully capable of loving ONE person at a time and can be monogamous. There is no way to get through an experience such as yours without total and complete honesty between the two of you and right now you are too hurt and too full of shock to listen to him much less understand where he is coming from. You need time to absorb what you have learned and you need time to heal a bit. I am sorry that you are left feeling so lost and alone...but please..try not to blame all bisexuals for your experience. To judge others as a result is simply not fair. I have no idea how your husband presented this information to you nor do I know what his expectations might be, but if your husband gave you an ultimatum, then perhaps your beef should be with HIM and not the bisexual community as a whole.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope that you may someday find the peace that you so desperately need right now! If nothing else, please know that you are not alone and that there are many of us who frequent this site and can give you any guidance that you may desire.

Hugs,
Kate

[FerociousFeline]

I just thought someone should express that there is a possibility of losing your spouse. I will not be returning to these filthy forums anymore either. I came in hoping that there might be some shred of decency among bi-sexuals, but I see none. All I see is everyone thinks that everyone should be free to fuck everyone. This is not what I believe in my heart to be right. So no I will not be returning to your forums. Have a good life, I know mine has to get better from here.

I understand that you are in pain. (One would have to be monumentally obtuse not to get that from your printed statement)

However. I respectfully submit that your behavior here is in fact: indecent.

Not ONLY do you NOT have the moral or ethical high ground here, you are in fact guilty of extreme projection of your personal value set.

As a NONPRACTICING sexual person, who spends many hours assisting others adjust and developing their comfort level in acceptance of who they are and what they need, I personally find your highly judgmental and skewed perspective to be as disruptive as it is impertinent.

I truly hope that you will find peace, and what's more, I hope that you find your sense of peace without indulging your more base instincts of belittling others or otherwise attempting to pass your questionable morality on to others in the form of guilt or shame.

indecent......indeed.



FF

[csrakate]

While I certainly understand your view, FF, I hope you can at least try and see things from this lady's perspective at this very turbulent point in her life. Judgmental yes....Indecent, perhaps...but she is scared and lost right now and her lashing out, however misdirected, is just a direct result of her grasping at straws to somehow make some sense of a life altering event that has turned her world upside down. I certainly don't agree with her viewpoint and I strongly disagree with the manner in which she is conveying her feelings, but in many ways I understand her fears and her anger. Those feelings seem to have been exacerbated by a couple of posts in this thread where blatant sexual comments have shown no regard to the feelings of the S/O and I am hoping that her post is merely a knee jerk reaction to some very gut wrenching fears.

BUT...that being said, this is NOT "the reality of one of you being bi and one straight" as she so strongly proclaims. A married couple can very well survive this situation but it takes a great deal of work, an endless amount of communication and honesty and most importantly, an open mind and a great deal of willingness on the part of BOTH parties to make it work (not to mention a vivid imagination! LOL!) From what she has shared with us and without hearing from her bisexual spouse, I can truly say that they have a very long way to go before EVER finding a mutually satisfying way to make this marriage work. And once again, I must say that I find her attacks on the entire bisexual community grossly unfair and unwarranted.

Hugs,
Kate

[FerociousFeline]

Sorry Kate,

There is no excuse for lashing out at others in the manner that I have witnessed here. Pain is a part of life. Generally speaking, pain is a way of showing us where our shadow areas are, and is natures way of showing us that we have some work to do, inside and outside, in order to come back into harmony with the Universe.

Lashing out at others not only creates bad karma, it doesn't really help the person who is acting out. I suggest that the first step in most any traumatic experience is the step of acceptance. Most of the time in our lives, we resist the changes that are thrust upon us against our will.

The prevailing attitude I sense here is one of looking for a scapegoat. (Sorry, I've been the victim of witch hunts before and it is my personal challenge to learn to have compassion for those who would create pain in others as a coping strategy for their own pain.)

Never the less.

I stand by my statements.

She can have all the help that she needs, but I will not tolerate the mindless noise of her insensitivity to others in the process of her dealing with her own pain, challenges, or shifts in her personal world.

We must all be responsible for our own pain, and the ripple effect that the expression of our pain causes in the rest of our communities. The act of being an adult is to recognize this and act in a manner which shows dignity, and respect for those who would seek to assist. Anything less is the rantings of a selfish child.

I'm sorry if this appears harsh, but my level of harshness is generally equivalent to the level of unacceptability of any given behavior.


What is really going on here, is the destruction of a value set which was based on external validation. Without the external validation of her husbands love and affection, she is naturally left without a firm foundation for her "place in her world." The single most effective thing I can offer to her is to attempt to make her understand that she is her own person, and that she must love herself FIRST, before she can hope to experience or understand the love of another. If she can love herself, then she will have a sufficient measure of understanding that although she can love another, she cannot control them. Although she can build a life with another, her own life and her love of herself MUST BE a part of that equation. It is possible that her indignation and feelings of betrayal and outrage stem from this burgeoning self protective emotional state, but there are ways to express that, and ways NOT to express that.

Peace.

FF

[csrakate]

The prevailing attitude I sense here is one of looking for a scapegoat. (Sorry, I've been the victim of witch hunts before and it is my personal challenge to learn to have compassion for those who would create pain in others as a coping strategy for their own pain.) FF

FF,
I have never asked you to forgive her rantings nor have I asked you to excuse them. As you see in my posts, I feel the same way and I have said over and over that her anger is misguided and her tone is very judgmental. I merely asked that perhaps you do as you say above....have a bit of compassion for someone who has used this "lashing out" as a coping mechanism for the extreme pain that she may be in right now. Unless you have been in her position, unless you have had your entire world pulled from underneath you and had your perceived reality shattered, how can you possibly judge her in return? This is someone who is obviously in a great deal of pain and it has nothing to do with learning to be her own person at this point. Right now she has absolutely no idea who she is nor does she have any idea who she has been for how ever many years they have been married. Before she got so nasty, she said how alone she felt, how scared she was and how empty she felt. Can you not muster up a modicum of compassion for her present state of mind??? Can you not overlook her words just a bit and recognize a fellow human being who is so obviously in pain? Right now her reality is that she has lost the man she loves because he says he is bisexual and expects her to accept it or "move on" and in her skewed sense of the situation, she has chosen to blame bisexuality, however wrong and misdirected it may be. NO...her pain does NOT excuse her narrow minded view of bisexuality nor does it justify her claim that bisexuals haven't a "shred of decency"...but it may very well explain her lack of thought behind her ill chosen words and her obvious neglect to consider the real life people behind the lifestyle she is so wrongly condemning.

I guess I see this situation a bit differently because I can put myself in her shoes....I'm not going to rehash my life but as you well know I spent many years struggling with very similar fears and frustrations and I am ashamed to admit that at times, I wanted to "blame" others for my husband's bisexuality. BUT...given time and the proper exposure and education, I have learned differently. "Straight Wife" may very well be a lost cause and her preconceived ideas may bar her from opening up her mind. I guess I just hope that we can allow a few missteps along the way to guide others with similar struggles and at least offer a bit of human compassion and understanding. I am so very thankful that no one gave up on me along the way and that some very loving and caring people took the time to help me when I so desperately needed it. Believe me... I am not trying to change your view...it's just how I feel and I simply wanted to explain myself.

Hugs,
Kate

[FerociousFeline]

FF,
Unless you have been in her position, unless you have had your entire world pulled from underneath you and had your perceived reality shattered, how can you possibly judge her in return? Can you not muster up a modicum of compassion for her present state of mind??? Can you not overlook her words just a bit and recognize a fellow human being who is so obviously in pain?

Hugs,
Kate

How soon we forget eh? Amazing.
No Kate, as you well know I'm a vicious and insensitive animal.

<rolling eyes>

I'm out.

[csrakate]

I wish to apologize to anyone who may read my words and possibly interpret them as hurtful and insensitive. That was never my intention. All I wanted to do was to possibly present the "other" side and perhaps speak for the countless other spouses of bisexuals like myself who have faced similar fears and frustrations. I guess I thought that presenting this view might enlighten those of you who face this very same situation and perhaps help you to understand what your spouse may feel and experience upon discovering your sexuality. The emotions they may express upon discovery are raw and very reactionary and sometimes can come across as judgmental and angry. While I don't condone "Straight Wife's" words or her views, I simply had hoped to convey where they may be coming from. I am so very sorry if I have offended anyone and I assure you that it was never my intention to do so. This site has always made me feel that it welcomed anyone who supported bisexuality, regardless of orientation but in the almost three years that I have been chatting here, I have also seen a great many spouses who come here seeking guidance and support in the midst of some very confusing times. I simply wanted to make sure that those that come here in the future can be assured that this is a caring and supportive community and that their issues, however unfounded, will not be ridiculed or dismissed.

Once again, my apologies and with that...I AM DONE!

Kate

[straight_wife]

This will be my last visit here. You seem to have missed one very important point. I don't fear that my future ex can still love me. I just know that I am no longer in love with him. Part of it for me is the honesty issue. He hid something from me for decades. That in and of itself causes me to doubt everything that our marriage is about. Nothing is real anymore and everything that I thought that I had is now gone. I just don't feel it anymore.

You are right about one thing though, I should not blame all bisexuals for the behavior of one individual. However; you all do not seem to give a flying fuck about what your spouses are being forced into going through. If that person is still with you, then you have over time changed their beliefs on what is right and wrong. This just isn't something that I can do. How am I supposed to make love to someone if every time he touches me I want to vomit? Last time you have to hear from me I promise.

[Jimbo712]

Coming to terms with my bisexuality was a big step, but telling my partner was even harder, as I didn't know till after we were married. People can as "Why didn't you know before you were married?". I have no answer for that, I have always had urges, chalking it up to curiousity. I didn't act on them really till after I was married. Just started craving sex with men, and finally did something about it.

[csrakate]

Well kick my ass and call me a fool for trying!! Sigh....what a complete turnaround from your previous post!!! I still contend that people here DO care and they most assuredly give a "flying fuck" about their spouses!

And now I am REALLY done! LOL!

Hugs,
Kate

[jamieknyc]

FF, you need to be a lot less judgmental towards this woman. Just because you have bought into some ideology does NOT give you the right to act that way towards others who are going through real life crises.

[im_here]

Straight-Wife: I may not like what she has to say, but it is spoken from a woman who is in extreme turmoil right now. Maybe her spouse did a piss poor job of introducing this lifestyle. How many women here can honestly say that a rough approach wouldn't have ruined the idea for them? There are a few words in her rambling that caught my eye. The first is that she is being FORCED into this. No one should ever be forced into any kind of sexual anything. This totally screws up the mojo and can seriously hamper any enjoyment. Not to mention leaving scars that will last a lifetime. So I guess the real question is: Are you really being forced into behavior that you find unacceptable?

Before anyone starts to harshly judge, let me ask a question for the others on this forum. Would you be able to live a "straight" life that was being forced upon you by the person you love?

Just my :2cents:

[im_here]

The other thing that caught my eye:

She also said that she felt like she was going to vomit when he touches her. No offense to anyone, but if she really feels forced into these encounters, then it is a rape. Can you blame someone for being sick at the idea of being raped?

I couldn't just not say anything. You see I was raped when I was 18. Those words jumped out at me because, despite being married, this woman sounds like she was taken into something against her will.

[straight_wife]

You want to know why I am so bitter, I will tell you. I have been married for 15 years and I walked in on my husband being fucked in the ass. He said this is his life and I can either join in or leave. I chose to leave. I came here in the hopes of seeing that you can be bisexual and not be a lying, cheating bastard like him.
What I was trying to point out is that there seems to be this idea that I should have to change my sexual orientation so that I can be what he wants me to be. I just can't do that. I can not change the fact that I am straight anymore than any of you can change the fact that you are bisexual. To ask anyone to do so is to show that you don't really love or respect them as a person.

[PlacentaJuan]

You want to know why I am so bitter, I will tell you. I have been married for 15 years and I walked in on my husband being fucked in the ass. He said this is his life and I can either join in or leave. I chose to leave. I came here in the hopes of seeing that you can be bisexual and not be a lying, cheating bastard like him.
What I was trying to point out is that there seems to be this idea that I should have to change my sexual orientation so that I can be what he wants me to be. I just can't do that. I can not change the fact that I am straight anymore than any of you can change the fact that you are bisexual. To ask anyone to do so is to show that you don't really love or respect them as a person.

straight_wife-Here's a website that will be helpful to you.

www.straightspouse.org/

It is a support group for women whose husbands have came out as bi/gay.

[rissababynta]

However; you all do not seem to give a flying fuck about what your spouses are being forced into going through.

that is incredibly harsh and wrong to say. yeah, a straight spouse might feel forced into a situation where they are with someone who is bisexual, but can it not go the other way around? A bisexual can't help the fact that they are attracted to the same sex anymore than a straight person can't help that they are attracted to the opposite and this has nothing to do with not caring about your spouse. It could easily be said that a straight spouse doesn't give a flying fuck about their bisexual spouse because they refuse to have any kind of understanding how they feel either. They could feel that they are forced to either magically become straight or get a divorce. Not fair for anyone in cases like that.

Now, in your case, the way that your husband presented the situation to you is horrible. He should never have cheated on you and he should never have made you make a choice. Now THAT is not giving a flying fuck. If you are uncomfortable with him being bisexual and the idea of him ever being attracted to a man disgusts you to the point where you no longer love him, than that is your choice. Those are your feelings that you can't help anymore than he can help being bi. Perhaps if he had come to you long ago about all of this instead of doing things behind your back, you would feel a lot less betrayed. I think it is perfectly understandable for you to feel the way you do, and quite normal as well. Any form of sneakiness makes people feel worse about something. Honesty is always the best option when it comes to relationships and people's feelings and lives.

[still_shy]

Well said Rissa

[coldwinterman]

Wow... I saw the header and thought, "What a great title. I should check this out." Was I in for a ride??? Let me start by saying that the article is very well written and extremely well presented. The ability to summarize your points about such a topic, without becoming a novelist, is an art. Kudos!!!

The article is great for someone like myself. I'm married and in the closet. My situation works like this. I became a born-again christian (radical bible-thumper style) when I was 14. From that point on, I was taught that anything non-hetero was wrong. I started dating my wife when we were 16. We married at 19. I lost my faith around 26 and started searching my soul for answers. About a year or two later is when I started enjoying homo-erotica as much as hetero-erotica. I have come to fully appreciate that pleasure is pleasure. Happiness is happiness. Quality of life is not dependant on what sex you choose to fantasize about. It's about being happy with your self and what you have accomplished in life.

Over the last few years, I've tried to open up to my wife. She doesn't want to accept it. The last time we had a discussion about it, she said that if I ever actually came out and told her I was gay, she'd ... (her description sounded very much like Straight_Wife). When I said that guys can be bisexual, she laughed and said that it wasn't going to work as she knew I was just pulling her leg. Immediately after that incident, things changed in the bedroom though. I look at Holybane's comments and completely relate.

The reason I'm here is not to hook up or to explore my fantasies. I'm here to find like-minded individuals who will walk with me down life's path. A post like this is cool, but I love reading the comments. Seeing Straight_wife's and csrakate's comments give me two perspectives on how my wife could react if I seriously told her of my feelings. I have no intentions of partaking in any extra-marital activities, but it doesn't stop me from fantasizing. It doesn't stop me from getting that feeling of excitement when I see Matt Damon on TV. (Mmmm... Matt Damon. Teehee!!!)

I like what Long Duck Dong had to say about us being much more than just "sex machines". It's true. As an amateur writer, I often pen my fantasies and then toss them into the "Private" file, rarely to be seen again. If I can comment on one thing LDD (and please don't take this as anything more than my amused comments), if you wish to be recognized for more than just a sexual being, you may wish to reconsider your tag line that reads... "Best thing about being bi ???....If I can't make up my mind how i want it.........you can do it to me any way you want until i do make up my mind" LOL

While we may agree or disagree with the topics or the comments expressed, it simply shows the wide variety of personalities here. We are doctors, musicians, and factory workers. We are college graduates and high school drop-outs. We are everyone in one small forum. I love reading both the topic and the comments.

With all that said, let me pose my question... I've described my situation above. Why should I bother to come out when I have no intentions of entertaining more than just simple fantasies in my head??? I doubt that the opportunity will arise for her to catch me masturbating to porn of any kind. Am I being deceitful by not admitting that feeling I get for Matt Damon??? (Mmmm... Matt Damon. Teehee!!!) What are the benefits to coming out when you know it will only cause more problems???

[The_Wall]

Straightwife, I'm so sorry for what happened to you. A couple of years ago, my friend's relationship with his girlfriend ended not because she was bisexual, but because she was cheating on him. For a marriage of 15 years to end in that way is a horrible, and I hope you find someone right for you that you can trust and who can be open with you.

I told my boyfriend that I was bisexual within the first couple of weeks that we were dating. He was interested, but not upset in any way. Neither of us has a problem with jealousy, so the openness is very refreshing. The only thing I can add to this article is to tell your partner as soon as possible. If they are uncomfortable, they can end it without having put so much of themselves into a relationship. If they are comfortable, then you know that you have started a relationship with trust and honesty.

One more point that I think everyone on the forum will agree with: being bisexual gay does not give license to cheat on your straight partner.

[DeShawn2]

I made the mistake of reading this article from the bottom up and, as a prude, I really would've benefitted from reading it the right way. (Who knew one would ever need to clairfy that?)

It's encouraing!

[DeShawn2]

By Anonymous

You owe it to your partner and to yourself to be 100&#37; sure that you are attracted to their gender as well, before going any further.

(c) Copryight 2007 Anonymous

So, basically, it's the heavy "I need some space" clause? I can't envision many relationships enduring that. Or is that endurace a matter of maturity of the people involved?

[IngridGary]

I really enjoyed the article and I agree on many if not all of the points it raised. I am currently single and it can be difficult to find acceptance with people I date. At some point during the date, the question of sex comes up and I let it be known that I am bisexual. It can be difficult but, I am more comfortable being honest from the start. (I have watched alot of fine booty walk away) :banghead: At the end of the day I know it is for the best. This site has been really supportive and a great outlet for thoughts, ideas, and discussion. I am hoping to physically meet someone but I am being patient. :flag3:

I just want say i feel your fustration and pain. I've tried thru to marriages to be open about my sexuality...but both times it was better to keep it hiden! I decided after my last marriage failed I would no ;onger keep myself hidden in a closet...well this has been very hard! When a man hears that you are Bi...he automatically thinks 3sums and then demand me to make them a part! Quick fast turn offs! But I just want you to know that there are the ones who understand and will except you for you and will help you to explore both sides. The reason I know this is because I've found one and he helps me in many ways. He encourages me to fulfill my needs and desires.He also reasures me that he doesn't have to be part of (physically) my extra fun! As long as He knows about it and I share with him what happened! He wants what makes me happy!

[AshMash]

just wanted to say whomever wrote this.. *pat pat* good job! <3

[hopeful412]

I am so very sorry that your time here was under duress and not of your choosing, but for you to leave under the assumption that there is no decency among bisexuals is grossly unfair. I understand how you feel....I know your pain and I acknowledge your fears. I've been there, done that because I am also the wife of a bisexual man. But being here has been a very different experience for me and I am sorry that you don't choose to stick around and find out for yourself. This has been a very open and understanding community that has been more than welcoming as well as supportive of my feelings. I have learned so much from these folks that I am forever indebted to them for what they have taught me.

If there is one thing that I have learned since chatting here it's that my husband's sexual attraction to the same sex has absolutely NOTHING to do with his feelings and/or attraction to me. I have also learned that bisexuals are fully capable of loving ONE person at a time and can be monogamous. There is no way to get through an experience such as yours without total and complete honesty between the two of you and right now you are too hurt and too full of shock to listen to him much less understand where he is coming from. You need time to absorb what you have learned and you need time to heal a bit. I am sorry that you are left feeling so lost and alone...but please..try not to blame all bisexuals for your experience. To judge others as a result is simply not fair. I have no idea how your husband presented this information to you nor do I know what his expectations might be, but if your husband gave you an ultimatum, then perhaps your beef should be with HIM and not the bisexual community as a whole.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope that you may someday find the peace that you so desperately need right now! If nothing else, please know that you are not alone and that there are many of us who frequent this site and can give you any guidance that you may desire.

Hugs,
Kate

Kate,
I am brand new to the site and was drawn to your post. My friend and I have been exclusive to each other for many years. He told me of his experiences of many years ago and wanted to explore them again with me. I went through an array of emotions to say the least. He had made a choice and now it was up to me to make mine. He is an amazing man, there are so many more things worse than bi. It has been difficult and I think we both struggle at times. The hard part for me is that I feel inadequate, jealous and insecure at times. He has always been honest with me and answers my questions, if that ever becomes a problem then I will have have another choice. I think that is part of what life is all about...choice...chance...consequence. I feel for Straight Wife, she has a difficult road ahead. You seem to have a lot of experience, I appriciate your perspective and attitude.

[catalyst]

wow
this thread really had my fixed attention
i am non judgemental of any posts
I am sending warm wishes to crskate for being so compassionate - your attempts to welcome in Straight Wife is what an online community is all about

reading straight wifes exp walking in on her husband sounds very distressing if its a blast from nowhere

bottom line for me is you can change and accomodate a relationship to accept sexual differences but in some ways if a non-bi person is suddenly placed in a position where their partner wants both genders
it could a big area of intimacy they dont share and that is difficult to manage, expecially if they had very close sexual relationship
the idea of trust, self esteem, validity in your sexuality may be threatened
your sexual desire may be confused or lost as you may not get any arousal from their bisexual activities

also straight wifes experience is not just about bisexuality, she signed to a monogamous relationship and it sounds like her husband has been having an open relationship, he has been cheating on her and when she finds out he threatens with deal with it

she hasnt been given time to think, was he even using contraception??

theres alot of things to consider, even though im bi if a partner was cheating on me i would be very shocked and dissapointed

straight wife i am wishing you well, please dont think you are hunted from here, come back if you think we can support you in anyway

bisexuality is so individual and yes, there is a high level of sexual content to some posts, but we are also trying to support everyone bi or not

cat xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[chocolately]

In a perfect world, the “closet” wouldn't even exist because everyone's sexual orientation would be casually out in the open, upfront and universally accepted. The reality, of course, is still miles away from this ideal.

Although media visibility has introduced us to the concept of “gaydar” and a collective idea of what traits trigger it, you really CAN’T tell if someone is straight, gay, or bi just by looking at them, (rainbow badges and “I’m Here, I’m Queer” t-shirts aside). This has made it easy for people to lie outright about their sexuality, or just quietly pass as the default “straight” — as long as nobody suggests otherwise.

The advantage seems obvious— invisibility provides a comfort zone within which one can hide from prejudice in ways visible minorities cannot. Invisibility, however, is also paradoxically to blame for the continued existence of unchallenged homophobia. The thousands of non-straight people who live their lives under the radar add to the impression that alternative sexual orientations belong to a minority small enough to be easily dismissed as deviant.

Because, unlike skin colour or gender, sexual orientation is neither physically apparent nor present immediately at birth, even people who will look upon racists with disgust can still justify other forms of bigotry by convincing themselves that sexuality is a choice, or that it was an acquired perversion due to something that happened to the person.

Throughout history and even today, those who fear persecution or are subject to persistent questioning of their sexual orientation, have resorted to more elaborate charades in the attempt to prove to others that they are straight. Sham relationships and marriages and having children with a person they aren’t really attracted to, these actions help build the elaborate façade they feel is needed to mask their same-sex attraction.
For gay people who would choose a real relationship rather than live a charade, disclosure is then required—at the very least, they’ve got to be “out” to each other. Whichever way they go, a relationship means a forced decision — pretend or disclose?

For a bisexual person to enter a relationship with a straight person, however, neither pretending nor disclosure is necessary, leaving the question unasked and therefore unanswered. Whether or not you choose to disclose your bisexuality openly is a very personal matter, and cannot fairly be subject to the judgment of those who aren’t aware of your specific circumstances. However, when it comes to the subject of disclosure to someone with whom you’ve entered (or hope to build) a serious relationship, being upfront about your bisexuality is crucial, for the short- and long-term benefit of both of you.

(Hear that? That’s the sound of all those alarm bells going off, joyfully ringing out “THREESOMES!” in the minds of many readers out there Keep those pants on (for just a sec longer, though—sex should be about fun and fantasies) —here’s how to walk so you can run to your heart’s content later on…you’ll trip if you start with your pants down to your ankles)

It can be a difficult and confusing road for both partners in a relationship where one has taken the big step and revealed their bisexual inclinations to the other. Working together and communicating openly is crucial at every stage of this process, and don’t rush ahead until both sides know they’ve been heard. If one of you is struggling or reluctant, this will hopefully provide a framework for navigating the subject in the most helpful way.

Step 1: Congratulations, You’re Out!

Yes, feel free to celebrate even at this early moment of overwhelming and conflicting emotions. Regardless of whether you proudly came clean to a new partner as you began to get serious, or if you were disastrously yanked out of the closet when your spouse of 20 years caught you masturbating to gay porn, you’ve taken a big step out in the open, and can breathe a little more easily now that the hiding is over.

Whether you’ve just come out to your lover, or your lover’s just come out to you, there are going to be a lot of questions and a need for discussion. When you make the time to sit down and make this happen—which is essential—these are crucial issues to discuss.

While there has likely been a long process of soul-searching and self-examination to get to the place of understanding you’re at, self-deception can be a powerful thing, and there are many out there whose internalized homophobia is so strong (or even those who just haven’t felt any interest stirring within them whatsovever) that they live in complete denial and obliviousness to their own same-sex attractions.

You owe it to your partner and to yourself to be 100% sure that you are attracted to their gender as well, before going any further. If you do come to the realization that you’re completely gay, it won’t do you or your partner any good to prolong the relationship any further.

One of your partner’s biggest concerns is going to be the reassurance that you’re still very much attracted to them, and you need to, with great care, let them know you’re just happen to be aroused by same-sex fantasies as well.

Another thing you will have to face, regardless of what your intentions or needs regarding acting upon your bisexual urges might be, is the fact that this may be a difficult or even impossible thing for your partner to accept. If you know they’ve had strong homo/biphobic views long before your own sexuality is divulged, it may be an impossible road. Some people are able to change their long-held prejudiced beliefs when they learn someone they know and love admits to being “one of them”, but too often the result is to spontaneously forget years of history and trust in that person

Sharing personal and individual experiences about how you came to this realization (and acceptance of it, etc) is a really good way of helping your partner with their own acceptance. Having a sense of the emotions, fears and challenges is what will most help your partner. The human experience is something a lot easier for us to empathize and identify with, than is a broad, faceless concept like "Bisexuality" (which is already so misunderstood to begin with). Also, sharing stories that take place in a context familiar to them, is a constant reminder to your partner of the real you, not the stranger they may fear you now are.

This can also be an opportunity to open up a dialogue where your partner can feel safe revealing any sexual fantasies they might have been too shy to discuss with you beforehand. Needless to say, you should approach this with the same open-mindedness, patience and understanding you hope they can demonstrate to you—in fact, it’s a great chance for you to set the example.

Step 2: Now What?

You now need to ask yourself, especially if you came out to your partner voluntarily, what your motivations were for doing so. Was it just to share something personal with them in order to build closeness? Was it to explain that you sometimes look at same-sex porn, so that you won’t have to be secretive about it around them? Or maybe you’ve realized that you haven’t done all the experimentation you’d like to do before settling down, maybe you’re not sure if settling down is your eventual plan at all.

You need to really understand your own needs, because you then need to communicate all these things to your partner Successful relationships require an understanding of the other’s expectations, and as in all unions, they have the right to know what they’re getting into. It isn’t fair to lead them on, or to let them go on planning your future together if you have any doubts that you’ll want that same conclusion.

Don’t approach this discussion as though you’re writing a contract—this is a process of learning and understanding, and it’s important for both of you to keep that in mind at all times. What it is, however, (or should be, at least) is an honest disclosure of the situation as far as you can know yourself, and an assessment of how likely you think things are to change, or how certain you are that they won’t. Desires and needs can develop and change over time, and so can your partner’s comfort level in accepting or accommodating them. If and when the status quo requires change, you will both need to reopen discussions.

Step 3: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Pornography

The reality is that our recurring sexual urges are not going to just go away when they’re inconvenient, and the best way of keeping them under out control is to have an outlet for them. When acting on bisexual urges isn’t a desirable or possible option (and there are countless reasons for this—you’re in a happily committed relationship but your fantasies occasionally involve members of the same sex; the object of your desire is a celebrity you’ll never meet; your partner is fast asleep and you don’t want to wake them; you’ve concocted an elaborate scenario that takes place 500 years in the future) many people find an easy outlet in some form of erotica or pornography, and it is strongly recommended that both partners make the decision to be comfortable with the presence of porn in their own or their partner’s sex lives.

Many people have issues with porn (http://main.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2081), and if you’re already dealing with bi disclosure, you might overload. However, porn and erotica can be a simple and private means. Jealousy can certainly happen, but many people do like porn, even when they have a wonderful sexual mate, and it isn’t something to be taken personally or to feel insecure about.

This is an especially important area for those dating a bisexual. If you can get to the point of not being threatened at all by the fact that your partner sometimes fantasizes about random people who aren’t you, it’s a lot easier to accept that their attraction to people of the same gender can remain part of their anything-goes fantasy world, instead of needing to be played out in the more complicated reality. And besides, sometimes all the other-gender-experimentation that many bisexuals crave is to have a good free-for-all-fantasy wank, comfortably free of shame or secrecy.

Step 4: Talk Pervy to Me: Bringing Bisexuality, Bisexuals and Beyond to your Bedroom

Still with us? Great! Should you wish to continue to experiment and explore your bisexuality, there are a number of options. Should you find your partner eager and willing to experiment with you, inviting some gender role-play or other fantasy scenarios into your routine can be an exciting adventure for both of you. Haven’t visited a sex toy store lately? Now would be a good time to take a trip together, you’ll discover a number of toys to help bring these fantasies to life and they’re coming up with all sorts of new surprises every day.

If your bisexual desires still urge you to experiment with another lover, threesomes (or more-somes) and polyamory are solutions that many bisexuals find work for them; there are other (http://main.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1354) articles (http://main.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?t=498) on this site about these topics should you wish to learn more.

Learning about your needs, how to fulfill them and take care of your partner is a process that requires a lot of time, sharing and understanding. Making changes to both of your lives is going to take time and is going to be a hard road to travel. But hopefully both of you can keep in mind why you’re together in the first case, and from there understanding, acceptance and maybe a whole new dash of fun can be added to your relationship.



(c) Copryight 2007 Anonymous[/QUOTE]

Im married and up into this point i thought i was happy i dont think any man could really satisfy me though i have never been with a woman i am 35 years old and dont know why i feel like this now im so lost in mind

[Angel1980]

well i am bi and have been for 14yrs and my soon to be husband is straight and knows it and is ok with it .. Hell as long as i share its all good and i don't mind sharein him with other females as long as i can join in the action to. If i can't join in then its not going to happen .. we have had 1 threesum and it was great in someways and in some was not .. ...

[mistylight70]

I never came out to my first husband. I think that if i had that we might have stayed together but i know now that it would have been a mistake. I also didnt tell him because i didnt want to admit it to myself. I was raised that it was wrong and that you are supposed to be with the opposite sex and only your partner. I wasnt comfortable with myself then. When i married my current husband i think that i felt more comfortable with it and knew that he would not judge me because i am bi. I think that it is easier for a woman in the marriage to be bi then the man. Mainly because most men want to be with two women and if your woman is bi then most likely that will happen. i dont tell everyone about my bisexuality cause most of the friends that i have i have heard them say that they think that it is disgusting to be bi that you should be one way or the other. Let me say that because i have come out and admitted to my husband and myself that i am bisexual that our sex life has been much better and less confined to just us. It has actually brought us closer because i have become more open to sexual things than i used to be.

[TheBisexualProfessor]

EXCELLENT ARTICLE! I really identify with it ... as some on this forum know, Dianna and I have struggled with my bisexuality for some time now. We even had a separation for a few months. Now we're back together and I've discovered that my sexuality is so tied up with hers after twenty-one years of marriage, that if we can share by bisexuality in fantasy it's very, very fulfilling! I'd rather have bi fantasies with her included and playing along than have a bi experience without her.

On the other hand, if she ever DOES relent and decide we can have that bi threesome I'm dreaming of, well, of course that's ok, too!

:male::female::male:
:bibounce:

[julbug]

My husband told me today that he is bisexual. I've had my suspisions for a long time based on his stories and interests. I want to know if its possible for him to be monogamous. I don't mind him looking at porn or fantasizing and we have a pretty interesting sex life do to his preferences and I enjoy the kinkier side of it. We have been married for 10 yrs and together for 13. He says he has never cheated on me and I would like to beleive him. He says that 13 yrs ago he made the decision to be with me because he loves me and he wanted a family. We have three children and he is a wonderful dad. It would kill me to find out he has had an affair with a woman or man. I guess I don't understand why he told me now after 13 yrs. He says its because he was talking to his siblings and finally came out to them and couldn't keep it from me any longer. Is this because he wants to cheat? Or is just being honest? Can he be monogamous? Is it a reasonable request? Anyone on here in a monogamous relationship with a bisexual man ?

[TwylaTwobits]

Jul, yes there are women here in a monogamous relationship with a bisexual male. His sexuality doesn't change his integrity imo. He is still the same man you married if you could trust him before you can trust him now. He trusted you with information that could have destroyed your relationship. Talk to him, communication is the key.

[julbug]

Thank you, its great to find a place where people aren't interested in telling me I'm an idiot for believing him. Its not that I'm looking for what I want to hear, obviously, I want our marriage to work. And I would not be OK with a husband who cheats, whether its a man or woman. Its nice to talk to someone who has been where I am. My biggest issue is that he is now telling me. should I take this as a sign that there are problems? I know I need to talk to him, but I think I'm afraid of the answers...

[ErosUrge]

I think this article has a lot of interesting points and insights. Of course no one article can cover the gamut of the bisexual experience as it is truly multifaceted and varies from person to person.
Some have touched in their comments for those of us bi men who are often misconstrued in our interests in the area of our sexuality.
For those who have commented there is so much more to the bi person than just the sex, of course! But again, the sexual experience is what it is and is at the core of all our experiences accepted or denied. It drives each and every one of us.
I find the morality of how people conduct themselves in their choices is what gets to be a bit judgmental. I respect those who are in a loving monogamous relationship and I also respect those who are not as long as they are honest with themselves and those they interact with. No one likes deceit in any form especially when you are the victim of someone's dishonesty and cheating.
I want to speak up for those of us who are single and who choose to explore our sensual side and ask not to be judged since we don't quite fit into the mold of monogamy. Too often we are judged because we have decided to be honest with who we are in our bisexuality not wanting to let go of that side of ourselves that still wants to experience both sexes. Again, I understand and respect those who are involved in a monogamous relationship and credit is due to them for making that work. As long as a superiority attitude isn't expressed as though it is the one best way. For them it is, but it isn't for everyone.
I have chosen to enjoy the fruit of both sexes and to remain single. I am open to the majority of my friends about it. I do desire to be in a devoted relationship with one individual, but someone that would understand that element in me. It is a difficult path I know and understand this....but I am always up front and honest about it. Though I desire to be involved with a person, I have also accepted the possibility that I might end up single for the rest of my life. Some would say how sad, but then others might say how stupid. Again, all of these are judgement calls.
I have a female friend who is much like a sister to me who thinks that I should keep this secret as she believes it is no one else's business what I do in the area of my sex life as long as it isn't hurting anyone. But I believe being secretive is a recipe for disaster in the long run. I've lived that way in my distant past and it was horrible. But I must add also though that it is sometimes made difficult when the opinions of certain individuals who have chosen the monogamous path make comments as though my choice to be open and honest about my sexuality is the reason why I won't ever be with someone in a serious relationship. It is only seen through the lenses and from the perspective that all must accept the monogamous path or be damned for their choice otherwise. I find this strange as I have never disrespected anyone for their choice to be monogamous. And I also realize that not all monogamous people are judgemental of others for choosing other than monogamy.
There's so much more I could go on with, but I willl stop here.

[julbug]

Wow... I saw the header and thought, "What a great title. I should check this out." Was I in for a ride??? Let me start by saying that the article is very well written and extremely well presented. The ability to summarize your points about such a topic, without becoming a novelist, is an art. Kudos!!!

The article is great for someone like myself. I'm married and in the closet. My situation works like this. I became a born-again christian (radical bible-thumper style) when I was 14. From that point on, I was taught that anything non-hetero was wrong. I started dating my wife when we were 16. We married at 19. I lost my faith around 26 and started searching my soul for answers. About a year or two later is when I started enjoying homo-erotica as much as hetero-erotica. I have come to fully appreciate that pleasure is pleasure. Happiness is happiness. Quality of life is not dependant on what sex you choose to fantasize about. It's about being happy with your self and what you have accomplished in life.

Over the last few years, I've tried to open up to my wife. She doesn't want to accept it. The last time we had a discussion about it, she said that if I ever actually came out and told her I was gay, she'd ... (her description sounded very much like Straight_Wife). When I said that guys can be bisexual, she laughed and said that it wasn't going to work as she knew I was just pulling her leg. Immediately after that incident, things changed in the bedroom though. I look at Holybane's comments and completely relate.

The reason I'm here is not to hook up or to explore my fantasies. I'm here to find like-minded individuals who will walk with me down life's path. A post like this is cool, but I love reading the comments. Seeing Straight_wife's and csrakate's comments give me two perspectives on how my wife could react if I seriously told her of my feelings. I have no intentions of partaking in any extra-marital activities, but it doesn't stop me from fantasizing. It doesn't stop me from getting that feeling of excitement when I see Matt Damon on TV. (Mmmm... Matt Damon. Teehee!!!)

I like what Long Duck Dong had to say about us being much more than just "sex machines". It's true. As an amateur writer, I often pen my fantasies and then toss them into the "Private" file, rarely to be seen again. If I can comment on one thing LDD (and please don't take this as anything more than my amused comments), if you wish to be recognized for more than just a sexual being, you may wish to reconsider your tag line that reads... "Best thing about being bi ???....If I can't make up my mind how i want it.........you can do it to me any way you want until i do make up my mind" LOL

While we may agree or disagree with the topics or the comments expressed, it simply shows the wide variety of personalities here. We are doctors, musicians, and factory workers. We are college graduates and high school drop-outs. We are everyone in one small forum. I love reading both the topic and the comments.

With all that said, let me pose my question... I've described my situation above. Why should I bother to come out when I have no intentions of entertaining more than just simple fantasies in my head??? I doubt that the opportunity will arise for her to catch me masturbating to porn of any kind. Am I being deceitful by not admitting that feeling I get for Matt Damon??? (Mmmm... Matt Damon. Teehee!!!) What are the benefits to coming out when you know it will only cause more problems???

My husband told me yesterday about being having bisexual feelings, I knew when we met that he had what he called experimentations, he has since admitted that they were relationships, but was afraid to tell me. He has always known he is bisexual. He was afraid to admit it to me because he thought I would not marry him and he says I am the love of his life and his best friend and could not stand to lose me. I am still dealing with the issues of him telling me. I have a lot of questions that we are discussing, but I hope this will bring us even closer together. My biggest fears at this point, are will he cheat and am I enough. We have a fantastic sex life, but is it enough for him? He says it is, so I have to believe him at this point. We've been married for 10 yrs and together for 13, he has never lied to me, unless you consider his bisexuality a lie by ommision. And as I contemplate these recent events, I believe I knew. Things that have been said or hinted to and actions during love making, have definitely been a sign that maybe I wanted to ignore.

It sounds like your wife may be in the same situation as me. She probably has a good idea that your bisexual, but it sounds like she may not be as accepting. It could be her upbringing or religious views. It also sounds like you have a pretty good idea of how she would react. If your comfortable staying in the closet to save your marriage, good for you. You will know in time how she will handle it and if she could accept it. I personally am glad to know, maybe now I can make him happier sexually so he will never feel the need to roam.

[julbug]

wow, I was opsting on another forum, voy.com...Anyone who has doubts about a spouse who has come out, please avoid this site. I cant tell you how many women I have had tell me my husband can not be bi, he's just afraid to tell me he's gay. Sorry ladies, I don't think a gay man could react to me the way he does and I don't think we would have three great kids of he didn't enjoy having sex with me. I'm sorry these women have had such bad experiences, but I did not find him cheating on me and I think his reasons for not telling me were valid. I love this site and the people on it, no one has been judgemental and all I've had is good advice and the ability to talk honestly without the fear of being judge. Thank you (you all know who you are).

Julbug

PS.. I have deleted that site from my favorites and will definitely not go
there again

[Krys80]

I just want say i feel your fustration and pain. I've tried thru to marriages to be open about my sexuality...but both times it was better to keep it hiden! I decided after my last marriage failed I would no ;onger keep myself hidden in a closet...well this has been very hard! When a man hears that you are Bi...he automatically thinks 3sums and then demand me to make them a part! Quick fast turn offs!

This is exactly what happened to me. My husband knew I had some bisexual experience before we were married. I didn't become comfortable with it completely until after we were married. Yet I told him right before the wedding that even if I was to accept my bisexuality that doesn't mean I am going to crave a woman. Just because I am attracted to both sexes does not mean that I can't be faithful to just one person. To him bisexual = 3 some. This nearly destroyed our marriage because not only did he have the wrong idea about bisexuality, but he also got bored of just having sex with me. Wait a minute! I thought I was the sexual deviant who wasn't going to be able to keep it in my pants? This experience has caused me to redefine my ideas about many things regarding relationships. I find it sad in a way, because I was still completely satisfied with just him.

[jalis]

My fiance and I have been together for a year and a half. I've always known he is bisexual. He was upfront with me from the moment we became friends. This was never a cause for concern or jealousy because I know how much he loves me. I even asked him if I was enough, and if he would ever feel bored being with just a woman and feel as if he was missing out on something he wanted/needed. He told me that I never had to worry about that and that he was happier than he had ever been before. We're very much in love and planning a life together.

But recently over the past few weeks his cravings for sexual activity with men have become stronger. This scared him, because he can't stand the thought of losing me and what we have. It scared him so much that he thought me might be turning gay completely and was an emotional wreck for a couple of weeks. He began to feel guilty about fantasizing over men. He said he wanted to think about me but he found himself only being aroused when thinking about men. Although I'd always known about his bisexuality, we never really talked about it. He never brought up those feelings very often. He's a young man and hasn't had a lot of opportunities to really explore his sexuality, so I don't think he reconciled inside that he could be in a committed relationship with me and still have sexual attraction toward men at the same time. We've since realized that so many other couples go through this. I'm completely open to exploring whatever his needs are. I'm all for porn, fantasizing, and role play. I'll be the first one in line to by a strapon, believe me. I don't want to lose him, I don't want him to repress his sexual needs, I want him to feel happy and fulfilled.

But as the straight partner, I do sometimes deal with feelings of insecurity. That I am somehow not good enough, unattractive, and that he does not love me the same way that I love him. Because he is my everything, my whole life, and I can't even imagine the thought of being with anyone other than him. But I know that his sexual attractions have nothing to do with the way he feels about me. Our only fear is that his bisexuality will turn into homosexuality and that he will completely lose his attraction for me. We don't know what we'd do. We can't imagine life without each other.

[falcondfw]

Honestly, I think the article at the beginning of this thread is crap.
It does not offer realistic advice.
On top of that, every situation is different.
People who are married and come out obviously have a different take on things than people who are single, living alone, and figure out they are bi.
There is no one solution for every one. Some may even know before they get into a relationship that they are bi.
You cannot comfort everyone in every situation, until you actually know their situation.
If you are bi, you need to be honest with your partner, BEFORE you say those 3 little words. If you truly love them, you will not want any secrets at all. And if you are bi, both of you need to discuss the ramifications before either of you say those 2 words (I do). If you do not know ahead of time (I did not) you should tell your partner as soon as you do so both of you can deal with it together. If you love them and respect them, it is only right that you tell them as soon as you know.

[matutum]

Wow that was a lot to take in thank you to whoever wrote that article! I know that I am glad that I was open about my sexuality to my husband. He is a great man and I am glad that he supports me!

if i'm bisexual and i commit to marriage, being faithful ect,i commit to one person, not for the other person to be able to go and continue their bisexual practice,If my partner wanted to continue their bi sexual activity then our vows are mute. see ya!..i don't like to see so any people justifying being unfaithful to their spouses or partners and using bisexuality as an excuse. If both people decide to practice having sex with others while being married then their vows should state so. What i see is people having sex and not informing their partner and to me then its cheating. Communication is key here,so is trust..

[matutum]

[QUOTE=jalis;183952]My fiance and I have been together for a year and a half. I've always known he is bisexual. He was upfront with me from the moment we became friends. This was never a cause for concern or jealousy because I know how much he loves me. I even asked him if I was enough, and if he would ever feel bored being with just a woman and feel as if he was missing out on something he wanted/needed. He told me that I never had to worry about that and that he was happier than he had ever been before. We're very much in love and planning a life together.

But recently over the past few weeks his cravings for sexual activity with men have become stronger. This scared him, because he can't stand the thought of losing me and what we have. It scared him so much that he thought me might be turning gay completely and was an emotional wreck for a couple of weeks. He began to feel guilty about fantasizing over men. He said he wanted to think about me but he found himself only being aroused when thinking about men. Although I'd always known about his bisexuality, we never really talked about it. He never brought up those feelings very often. He's a young man and hasn't had a lot of opportunities to really explore his sexuality, so I don't think he reconciled inside that he could be in a committed relationship with me and still have sexual attraction toward men at the same time. We've since realized that so many other couples go through this. I'm completely open to exploring whatever his needs are. I'm all for porn, fantasizing, and role play. I'll be the first one in line to by a strapon, believe me. I don't want to lose him, I don't want him to repress his sexual needs, I want him to feel happy and fulfilled.

But as the straight partner, I do sometimes deal with feelings of insecurity. That I am somehow not good enough, unattractive, and that he does not love me the same way that I love him. Because he is my everything, my whole life, and I can't even imagine the thought of being with anyone other than him. But I know that his sexual attractions have nothing to do with the way he feels about me. Our only fear is that his bisexuality will turn into homosexuality and that he will completely lose his attraction for me. We don't know what we'd do. We can't imagine life without each other.[/QUOTE if u can't imagine life without each other then stay together and strap him on,he would be willing to stay with u thru thick or thin period end of report!!!

[matutum]

I am in a straight relationship and my boyfriend knew me as friend before hand, so he always knew I was bi, i've always been open about it to him.
but he's not up for the threesomes, and we talked it through.
And I love him, I've been with him for three years and he makes me so happy, and I don't mind not being with girls as well as him, we discussed me having another partner, but we both felt it'd ruin what we have, plus the fact my family don't know, and will probably disown me.
but i love him
and I'm happy to be with just him
because I only have one partner at a time,
and I'm sorry to ask, but I've only just come out,two years ago (but I knew since my pre-teen's I wasn't just straight, and I didn't know bi-sexuality exsisted...but does having one partner at a time make me not bi?

no u are still bi..if u act on the feeling and cheat with others its breaking a trust,its lucky for u, u have someone who truely cares....

[matutum]

Thank you, its great to find a place where people aren't interested in telling me I'm an idiot for believing him. Its not that I'm looking for what I want to hear, obviously, I want our marriage to work. And I would not be OK with a husband who cheats, whether its a man or woman. Its nice to talk to someone who has been where I am. My biggest issue is that he is now telling me. should I take this as a sign that there are problems? I know I need to talk to him, but I think I'm afraid of the answers...

he's thinking about it..prob will act on it if he hasn't already,if u want to be married to him,just u and him not u an him and who ever once in a while,talk to him and see if u can strap it on with him. if not u have a decision to make..luck to ya

[matutum]

wow
this thread really had my fixed attention
i am non judgemental of any posts
I am sending warm wishes to crskate for being so compassionate - your attempts to welcome in Straight Wife is what an online community is all about

reading straight wifes exp walking in on her husband sounds very distressing if its a blast from nowhere

bottom line for me is you can change and accomodate a relationship to accept sexual differences but in some ways if a non-bi person is suddenly placed in a position where their partner wants both genders
it could a big area of intimacy they dont share and that is difficult to manage, expecially if they had very close sexual relationship
the idea of trust, self esteem, validity in your sexuality may be threatened
your sexual desire may be confused or lost as you may not get any arousal from their bisexual activities

also straight wifes experience is not just about bisexuality, she signed to a monogamous relationship and it sounds like her husband has been having an open relationship, he has been cheating on her and when she finds out he threatens with deal with it

she hasnt been given time to think, was he even using contraception??

theres alot of things to consider, even though im bi if a partner was cheating on me i would be very shocked and dissapointed

straight wife i am wishing you well, please dont think you are hunted from here, come back if you think we can support you in anyway

bisexuality is so individual and yes, there is a high level of sexual content to some posts, but we are also trying to support everyone bi or not

cat xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

cheating is breaking trust..decision is yours

[strong31]

I thought this article would help me a bit but NOT...I have known since the beginning of the relationship I am in that my partner is bi without much experience at it but would like to explore a little more as a couple on a limited basis. So here we are a year later and finally getting to the point where we have met another bi man and have had a couple of great evenings.
My partner and I have talked about everything and I mean everything since the very first day we met and I am unable to believe there is something I'm actually embarrassed to admit to him. I am jealous. Our new partner calls him at night and wants to be sexually explicit then wants to talk and tries to get him to come over on his own or go out which he will not do.
I am jealous of this because it has been very private time of the day that we share I am the last person he speaks with at night. Another person treading in that area when for a year I am the one he has spoken to last at night is causing some feelings I am unable to say are not rational, this is the only thing about it all that bothers me...another person who wants a portion of the limited time we have on a nightly basis..he goes out of his way to make sure I know I am the predominate in this relationship. How do I discuss this with him, without sounding like a completely whining, sniveling woman...because I am not..just do not know how to deal with this.

[tenni]

Strong31

The sections of the article that you may want to pay more attention to deal with:
a/ your needs b/ communication

It seems from what you have written that you have discovered a need that is not being fulfilled and this is creating jealousy inside you. You seem to have a need to end the day with your partner with you. You wish or need to be the last person that he talks to. Now, this desire of being physically present at the end of the day to chat may not always happen as he may be away on a business trip etc. The other man seems to want to spend time with him in a one to one situation. Can you be comfortable enough to permit that or are you only comfortable if you are present when your partner is being sexual with this other man? Maybe, you will be comfortable with your partner being alone with the other man if your partner is with you at the end of the evening and not this other man?

It is up to you to communicate with your partner what your needs are. You may want to consider them "rules" of your relationship with your partner and his bisexuality. If you want him to have you as the last person that he talks to at the end of the day and not this other man, make that clear to him. It would then be up to your partner to communicate that the other man is not to call him late at night when he is with you.

[linhely]

not sure how I feel about the article... its insightful and well written, a brilliant article, but like so many articles and authors.... its reducing bisexuality to multiple dual sex partners, porn and the need to have multiple sexual encounters

[evageo]

hi im new to being" out " with my wife ,i just told her a few days ago .she is willing to accept me as bi which is more than i thought was going to happen ..but i'm confused about everyone alking about the role playing ,strapons etc...its not the same .im 37 and was in the closet since high school ive been with a few guys and well its just not the same i enjoy giving a man oral immensly.i long for it ,i enjoy him enjoying it...i really good at it .lol....but anyway she s not into much role playing ,shes not assertive in bed ,at all, i just dont know what to do does anyone else agree its just not the same and what can say or do to help her understand ..i know be patient ,i am, its been a real long time since i was with a man and its a deep down burning desire right now to have some suculant man meat ,i want it so bad i cant sit still ...please help

[Merely]

am so happy to have found this forum. i am trying to learn as much as i can regarding my relationship.

brief history: i am in my 40's, divorced with grown children and straight.
boyfriend is a year younger, never married, no kids and bi.

we are very much in love, compatible, a true perfect match also in the fact that i support him and love him for who he is and i actually dig that quite a lot. we have many common interests. cut from the same cloth, and all.

when i met him, he didn't come right out and tell me, but he dropped hints that i picked up on.
we met on an online dating website where he also listed no indication of his preference other than straight. no big deal.

we have come a long way in a few short months and steadily make more progress. we have visited an adult "bookstore" and watched gay porn together.
it is a big turn on for me anyhow and has been long before i met him.

i am sure this pleases him and makes him feel more comfortable to be himself.

it was hard finding websites where the woman always knew and wasn't "shocked" years later to discover it.
not the case at all.
am just looking for support in areas as they may arise.
am not opposed to him entertaining males in reality and not just in a fantasy world. i even would go so far as to encourage it.

i am secure in his love for me and he stresses it to me daily, that i am the most important thing in his life. he is my world also.

i may need to learn the lingo a bit more. example: he said once that he has been a proud gay male for most of his adult life.
am i splitting hairs here by thinking he means "bisexual?"

he is completely turned on by me, and that is quite evident.
am one of those petite little packages of beauty, brains and personality - i don't say that to boast, but to clarify. straight men are routinely attracted to me and i have always dated such. until now.
he is all of those as well, (but not petite!) and we spend a great deal of time laughing. we are funny!

he excels at oral sex and it is frankly, the best i have ever had, and it's not my first time at the rodeo.

i reciprocate, of course.

i have yet to make him orgasm, but ONLY because he has me stop before he climaxes. i am anxious for this to happen, but i am trying to be patient.

also, we have yet to have intercourse and being a hetero woman, it is a big part of my sex life. it has been, anyhow. he has said we will, but it just hasn't come to pass.
perhaps he's saving it for a special time, as you can't put the genie back in the bottle - the toothpaste back in the tube - and so forth.

that is cool.
the next time we watch porn though, i may casually say that it's getting me hot and i fear i need to be railed.

again, not sure how to proceed in all areas yet, but am learning and extremely happy - as he is.

thank you for the forum! i enjoy the posts and look forward to any and all feedback.

[Merely]

oh well - i don't see this is a high traffic/get a lot of advice website.

other than receiving private messages for chat, which i am not interested in, i guess i'll figure it out as i go along and trust my instincts.

thanks anyhow.

:(

[DuckiesDarling]

oh well - i don't see this is a high traffic/get a lot of advice website.

other than receiving private messages for chat, which i am not interested in, i guess i'll figure it out as i go along and trust my instincts.

thanks anyhow.

:(

How about you try posting in the forums instead of articles. More people read forums than articles.

[Merely]

How about you try posting in the forums instead of articles. More people read forums than articles.

thank you! no idea.