Trouble ahead!

[rutemptedalso]

I've been married for 25yrs. Love my wife and kids but, like alot of other guys I've been atracted also to men for as long as I can remember. (10-13 yrs old or so) I wouldn't except my atraction to men until about 5yrs ago......We all know how society has programed us to fit the mold..... I have been with other men and have found that certin someone who has changed my life so much. I know my wife will leave me if she finds out and I don't want that to happen. Although alot of days I can't stand being around her. I have told her that I had messed around with onother male when I was yuonger and I told her that it didn't feel like I was doing anything wrong. She just asked if I had done it sence and told me that she wouldn't put up with it. Of course I had to tell a lie and told her I hadn't. As for the kids, I don't want to mess up thier lives with a divorce.
So far we have pulled it off by saying we are old college friends. Luckily we went to the same college the same time.
Were do I go from here?

[sexybicplinwv]

My thought's are with you. I bet you think your all a lone but your not.I think all kind of people are in your shoe's these day's. I feel real bad for you when it come to having to lie to your mate about how your feeling. :) (((Always be true to yourself))) :flag2:

[NothingToSeeHere]

Well I just popped the question a few days ago so I have a long way to go before I see the silver anniversary. I will not pretend to know how I will feel after 25 years. But here's my 2 cents anyway.

At 28/29, I've learned a few things about life so far. One, it isn't fair. Two, mexican food gives me gas but I still eat it. And Three, it's all about trade-offs.

I like Mexian food. I don't like having gas. But, weighing the two side-by-side, the gas is acceptable. Therefore, I eat Mexican food and get gas. Tradeoff.

I like sex with men (never did it, but REALLY turns me on). I love my girl. Side-by-side, I'm taking the girl and forsakening the "forbidden fruit". Tradeoff.

I suppose my advice is to weight everything side-by-side (DUH! I'm sure you do this about 85 - 95% of your day if you are like me). On one hand, the sex/closeness w/ this guy is exciting ... I can see that by the words you used. On the other hand, you have your marriage. These things are mutually exclusive; you can have one without the other. Tradeoff.

For me, going thru "should I ask or not", I did a lot of this. I MEAN A LOT. Can I live w/o experiencing that which is exciting to me? Can I risk losing my relationship over a fantasy that may or may not be everything my mind has set out for me? What if I'm making the wrond decision?

I can see you are in a different position than I by circumstance, but we are in the same boat philosophically. Which is the right way to go? Even more fustrating, you don't really know the results of your actions for some time to come.

I'm not going to prioritize your life for you. I can't. No one can -- but you. I don't know which is more important to you. And BTW, either direction is perfectly acceptable to me. In my relationship, I have a very understanding girl that is willing to help me. *I KNOW* without that support, I would not be in this relationship.

Think about:

How have you approached this subject w/ your wife? In passing, some late-night conversation like "hey, I once did this with a guy"? Or did you tell her that yes I've had these experiences before and I really enjoyed it? This may seem natural to you, but remember to many people they do NOT understand it. And unfortunetly, like most things that are not understood, we as humans hate them.

Sneaking around is bad. You know that. We all do. That my friend is the sure-fire way to end it all. Ask yourself, if you are to end this, why not do it the best possible way (especially when kids are involved)? Think of all the sneaking around pressure that would be lifted? You owe it to yourself, wife, and kids to make it as "easy" (wrong word, I know) as possible.

Have you lost your interest in sex / closeness with your wife? Why? Is it because you focus on this guy so much that you forget that a relationship is a living, breathing entity that needs constant attention? I lose my attraction for my girl sometimes. Why? I don't know. All I know is that by talking to her when it happens, I have a renewed outlook and all of the sudden ... I'm horny again.

Good luck in your decisions. I wish you the best. Please talk w/ her. Look at it this way, if you think it is over, what's the harm in REALLY discussing the subject? You know her better than everyone in this world, but perhaps (after initial shock, again, NOT UNDERSTANDING IS SCARY) with open honest communication you guys can decide together if your marriage is worth fighting for. You obviously want to talk about it, YOU ARE POSTING HERE! We can give you advice, but only you and she can resolve.

[Tommy2020]

Caught between the proverbial 'rock and the hard place'. Have been there a long time ago with first marraige. My then wife (who had joined some cultish religion and had soured on marraige in general) caught me with a then male friend while we were mutually enjoying masturbation. All we could do was stare at her and finish what we were doing. (You know what it is like I presume... you are so far along that nothing, nothing will stop you short of an atomic attack on your bedroom.)
Well, she stormed out of the bedroom and out the door. The next thing, we are in counseling and that didn't work because her newly found religious beliefs didn't subscribe to that kind of corruption. So.... divorce. I never gave up my bi feelings and indeed sought them out every chance I got. Houston, Texas was one great hunting ground then and it probably hasn't changed one bit.
Now married for the second time, I stay in the closet and happily so. Don't need that kind of trauma again, ever.
These forums, being for honesty, are the best place I could ever think of to get it off your chest and there are souls in here that are far wiser than I. So, you are in good company to help you in any decision you will make about your future. But it is still just that, your decision.

Tommy2020

[12voltman59]

Not to be negative, but your title is appropriate I am afraid---even if you decide to cut off the relatonship with your male friend---the fact it has taken place and you were not forthright with your wife about it--probably puts your marriage in jeopardy.

You are most likely going to have to make a very tough choice quite soon--it is going to cause much pain on the part of so many--I don't think that there is anyway to get around that fact.

I would suggest finding a good therapist that you feel comfortable with for there are certainly darm storm clouds gathering on the horizon for you---it would be a good thing to have some kind of support system.

Even though you do have some rough days ahead--you and everyone will survive them and come out the better for it---

Good luck and Godspeed...

Just my :2cents:

[yoyo4u]

... Were do I go from here?

Lots of intelligent words in response!!!

I'm not sure if I am in the position to give you advice, so instead of advice I tell you about doing what's best for you.

I was smoking a pack a day for 26 years and than, one day, I stopped.
It just made sense!
Weighing everything in my life I took this step and I am glad I did!

Now, of course, I can imagine that someone who never smoked in their lives could pick up smoking, because it makes sense.

Don't think about it every day, but once you decided prove it to yourself by not thinking the other alternative anymore!

I hope I was helpful.
yoyo :cool:

[my-00-stang]

hey 38 bi married guy here. i am like you married want out of it and trying to hide my bi urges from the wife, but not to long ago she found my secret yahoo account and like a dummy i hadn't emptied my sent folder yet and she saw all these old emails i had sent back and forth with all these guys i had been talking to, it had pictures and all. well right now she is trying to save the marriage i say she because i don't have the balls to tell her yes on a divorce and i am doing the bare minimum to make it work in hopes that she will just up and leave me, so i feel your pain and hope for the best for you keep us posted

[rutemptedalso]

Thanks for all your responses and thanks for not beating me up. I forgot to mention that I had told my wife (before we had kids) about me playing around with another guy yrs ago. She didn't want to talk about it then (thought it was discuting)(very religious woman) and swept it under the rug. I had just resently brought it up again. I told her that she didn't want to talk about then and that I had found someone to talk to about it now who has been through something similar. I told her that it has helped me and my friend alot and that we are very close now. She seems ok with this. My relationship with her has gotten closer again but, I still don't feel like I can ever let all my guard down after being put on the self for so long. She's tryed to bring us back. There's just that part of me that doesn't want to fall in it again. Maybe I just need time. I really don't think I would want to spend the rest of my life with another man. It does feel good when I'm with him. I don't know if I want to spend the rest of my life with this woman. We have had so many good yrs. Lonely ones but, good ones. We have raised three of the greatest boys and are very close to them. The thought of them not being in my daily life is not a pleasant sight.
My wish is that she would except me being bisexual and not judge me. I think I could even live without the sex with my friend as long as I could still hold him in my arms.
I also forgot to mention that my dad and I wern't very close. He tryed to molest my sister and I could have shot him. Luckily I couldn't get to the gun fast enough before he stopped. They have had therapy and have worked all of that out. They asked me to be involved in it but, didn't push the subject when I declined. They sould have insisted that I attend.I've just refused to let him close to me. Of course he hasn't tryed very hard either. I can live with that.
To be continued....

[rutemptedalso]

Well, here it's been several years sense my last post. Still married and going on 28 years now. I figured out that the guy I was seeing was more of a liabilty than an asset. I havn't seen him for about three years now. I still have the desire to be involved with another man but, I can't rush into it. I'll know if he's the rite one. Guess I'm not as Bi as I originaly thought. LOL
The ideal man will be married and hopefully his wife would aprove of his sexuality. At least that would be one less thing to worry about. He'll be a freak'n stud and live close to were I live. So, if you know him send him my way.
My wife is excepting my feelings although I haven't been able to tell her that I still want to be involved with a man. I think counseling will be in the future to help her understand. It will be worth it if it holds us all together.

[FalconAngel]

My wife is excepting my feelings although I haven't been able to tell her that I still want to be involved with a man. I think counseling will be in the future to help her understand. It will be worth it if it holds us all together.


Seems to me that if you hadn't put that one confession here, I would suggest sending her to this site to ask questions, unless you take it upon yourself to talk to her and let her ask all of the questions she wishes of you, as regards your sexuality.

Of course, that does require total honesty; not just with her, but with yourself as well. Not easy to do, but very possible.

Mixed orientation relationships are difficult, but not impossible to work out, as long as both partners are willing to do so.

[mikey3000]

Dude. I feel for you. I really do. Married bi guy here been with my wife for 22 years. Difference is I didn't want my marriage to end cause I still love her deeply. I came out to her a while ago and luckily, everything turned out ok. I am very lucky. But I did risk everything I worked for to do that and I was absolutely terrified.

But dude, be very careful cause you will get caught. You will slip up and she will find out. I feel that it's better for her to find out from you first than being caught red handed. That way you can try to at least work something out. But do tell her that you do still love her and want to work things out (if that is truly what you really want).

What ever you decide, my best wishes to you. Feel free to PM me if you like and I can give you more personal advice.

[**Peg**]

excellent supportive advice gentlemen.

a word of caution to the OP... women have intuition (some more than others)... you don't need to "tell" her... she already knows and probably doesn't want to broach the subject.

I knew my X was bi 10 years into our marriage which lasted 23 years ... the marriage ended 10 years ago and he STILL hasn't admitted it.

'nuff said
good luck to you!

Peg

[rutemptedalso]

It's been really hard to bring the subject up. There always some other crisis that comes up. Timming is everything. Bring it up at the wrong time and she'll just be on the defense. If she suspects it anyway, I don't understand why she doesn't want to discuss it. I've told her from the very begining that I don't ever want to leave her and I've told her that it's just a male bonding thing. I'm not even sure that I want to have sex with this guy when and if I find him. I'd rather just keep it playful and platonic. It would be easy for it to lead to more but, I'd be willing to commit to that if she would.

[rutemptedalso]

Thanks again for the thoughts!

[str8wife]

Does she know about this site? Maybe you could feel comfortable enough to ask her to come and read the forums here. This is what my husband did for me. He opened up to me several years ago.... I needed some time to process the whole thing, but I accepted this is who he is and it never changed my love for him. I'm very happy that he had enough faith in our marriage to be honest with me and I respect him for that. I have come to understand bi people so much more now, and it has opened my mind to have better communication with him. If she has a question, be completely honest with her. Best wishes. :female: Totem