I Am No Longer Hot

[Brian]

Still Sexy After All These Years? Nope. Bi, Celibate and Old.

By Sheela Lambert

http://main.bisexual.com/forum/images/misc/miscstuff/author22.jpgBi, celibate and old. This is what my life has come to. When I first discovered the New York City bi community, back in 1991, I was quite popular. In fact, I was the belle of the ball. For ten years I had boyfriends, I had girlfriends…sometimes at the same time! There was the occasional threesome or foursome and constant invitations to sex parties and sex clubs that I always turned down (well almost always.) On one birthday, the entire guest-list of my bisexual birthday party gave me a group massage, which they offered (several times!) to turn into an orgy focused solely on me (I stuck with the massage.) A select bunch from my Bisexual Women’s Group went out together every week to dances and movies and beaches and I was always one of the gang. Groups of bi folk would actually gather in my apartment, even though I live in Washington Heights (commonly referred to as the nosebleed section of Manhattan).

When I was in my thirties and had lost my baby-fat but had not yet gained middle-age spread… I was hot. I was slender, curvy, and although not supermodel material, looked quite fabulous in a bikini—despite childbirth and a few stretch marks that could only be seen in bright light. My ex and I had joint custody of our son, so although I was a single mom half the week, I was single the other half. I never had to wait more than a few months between beaus or beauties, sometimes the start-up of one relationship occurred right on the heels of another’s demise. Even my diagnosis of Crohn’s disease didn’t put that much of a crimp in my social life at first because I already had a boyfriend, a girlfriend and lots of friends.

But the girlfriend decided she wasn’t comfortable with my double dating (now she’s the poster girl for polyamory) and the boyfriend wanted a healthy partner and children. Other bisexual relationships, though delightful in many ways, came and went.

But now, 13 years after my illness was diagnosed, it’s been two years since I’ve been in a relationship. And I’m not sure the last two even count. They were two recycled boyfriends, one bi and one incorrigibly straight, that I reactivated out of loneliness and the hope they would work out better the second time around. They didn’t. My theory was that two workaholics equal one decent boyfriend. But I just ended up being twice as frustrated when both of them cancelled dates, didn’t call when they should have or kept taking weeks off from the relationship because they “needed time alone.” Theoretically I was in two relationships. But in reality, I was spending weeks without a single date. I finally broke up with both, deciding that being alone would be about the same as dating those two, except without the cancellations. And then when they didn’t call me, at least I was expecting it.

About a year later, I had a few dates with a woman from one of my bi groups who proved even more slippery than the guys I broke up with. (In my experience, when it comes to dating, women are just as screwed up as the guys.) She had flirted with me years ago but when we went to see her sing in a Village jazz club, a light turned on. She had chocolate skin, long hair and a beautiful smile. She could spontaneously make up a new verse for an old standard and get everyone going. She got me going for sure. We had a couple dates but between her day job, gigging and rehearsing with her band, it was hard to get penciled in. I convinced her to squeeze in a date midweek. Although she invited me in, on my way out the door, she cancelled our date for the following Sunday. After she had her way with me. Apparently I had used up my quota of her time for the week. And this was a vacation week when she wasn’t teaching and had said she’d have more time. I got fed up and stopped calling. And since I had done all the pursuing…that was that.

Nine months later I turned 50 and freaked. I hadn’t had a date in 9 months. I hadn’t had a relationship in a year and a half. I had been faithfully attending my bi group twice a month, was showing up to a new one that popped up as well as an LGBT brunch group in my neighborhood (which turned out to be a bunch of gay guys, one lesbian and me.) I hadn’t met anyone. Just to prove to myself that I could still get a date, I put some personal ads on craigslist but left off my age. Of course since I’m bi, I had to post separate ads for men and women. And I had to be careful to write completely different wording so I wouldn’t be flagged as a repeat ad space hogger. And I had to omit any mention that I am bi.

In the men’s ad, I didn’t post that I am bi, because that attracts guys who assume I can’t wait to meet them at the nearest sex club. In the women’s ad, I didn’t post that I am bi because I would be instantly stereotyped and rejected as a bi-curious chick seeking a girl-on-girl one night stand. The only responses I could expect would be come-ons from women who are (very graphically), seeking the same.

To my bi-free ad I had many replies and three actual dates: two straight guys and a transgender woman (I answered her ad.) They went the way of most blind dates: in the crapper. I recently posted personal ads again and posted my age this time. The silence was deafening.

Apparently 20’s and 30’s are sexy. Even 40 isn’t over the hill these days. But 50 is the kiss of death. Of course, in person, people say I look much younger. But that still assumes that at 50 you have attained hagdom.

I’m experiencing the invisibility that goes with aging. Although it’s a relief to be catcall-free when I’m walking down the street, the lack of attention in my personal life is not as enjoyable. At 34, my social calendar was full. Either I have become eccentric and cranky in my old age or people just don’t think of 50 year old women as appealing. I’ve had some offers for casual sex, but one thing I’ve learned about myself over the years is that I’m into relationships and casual sex doesn’t do a thing for me.

Even the one time I got dragged to a sex party way back when (I was out of town at a bi conference and as everyone knows, conference sex doesn’t count) I fell in love. I called the girl I hooked up with at the party the next day and invited her to visit me in New York. I could tell over the phone that she thought I was a lunatic. She was taking the “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” approach and I was still thinking about the tender way she wrapped my scarf around my neck before I walked out the door.


I recently launched a new bi women’s group called Bi Women of All Colors, with Donna Redd, a friend from the good old days of the original Bisexual Women’s Group in NYC. Donna has a husband and a girlfriend—she is the bomb. I was hoping that this would be an opportunity for me to make new friends and possibly find a girlfriend too. At one of our recent dinners, two beautiful and interesting women showed up, each one special in her own way. I considered both, daydreaming about what it would be like to fall in love with each one. I was feeling quite hopeful. At the end of dinner they went off with each other.

What happened? I used to be that girl. The one that people wanted to go off with. But my role has changed. I am now seen as a mother-figure who provides opportunities for others. I am no longer hot.

I am also no longer child-bearing. I have already had hot flashes, night sweats and erratic periods. Even if I could get pregnant, when you have a child who is old enough to have his own; it’s time to close down the factory. I enjoyed motherhood but was never prepared to repeat an experience that almost killed me the first time. Luckily, modern medicine intervened and, unlike mothers who gave birth before the advent of antibiotics, I survived. And was able to enjoy raising my child.

I used to turn to family for love and attention when romance was in short supply. But the loved ones who made me feel special, my mom, my dad and my aunt have all died. My son regards me as a parent to rebel against, not a person to get to know. And my brother is a bit overwhelmed trying to substitute for the three people who have disappeared. Although he tries to be supportive, he is so tired of the bi topic, I can see his eyes roll up in his head even over the phone.

Right now, my main relationship is with my new vibrator which I was forced to purchase when my other one fried. It literally short circuited while in use, making scary noises accompanied by the acrid smell of burnt rubber—and a case of orgasm interuptus. “Electrocution by vibrator” might have gotten me into the Book of World Records, but I’m glad it didn’t.

Of course, having a chronic illness has caused me to be much less socially active. When you don’t have energy to go out, you have less opportunities to meet people. I don’t go to bi groups as often as I used to, or explore other events at the LGBT Center either. I don’t go to the theater, dance performances, restaurants or concerts—disabled people tend to be poor. I don’t go to free outdoor concerts either, as they require arriving an hour early to get an uncomfortable seat or a patch of grass (I need a backrest and a padded chair to sit for more than a few minutes) and if there are bathrooms, they are far from the seating area and have long lines; which I can’t stand on. I feel older than I look, a result of the constant fatigue from having a chronic illness. After 13 years, I only have a vague memory of what I used to be like pre-Crohn’s. People who can go to a job five days a week, play sports on the weekend or have a trim figure, all things I can no longer do, seem like they have superpowers to me.

My only superpower left is my activist work. Over 16 years, I have learned by doing. And because of the internet, it is something I can now do at home in my nightgown. I can rest between proposals and emails. And can turn my computer back on if I’m having insomnia at 3AM. Or 4 or 5 or 6. For some people, it would be a superpower to be able to speak out about their bisexuality. Either they have too much to lose or they’re having too much fun. At this point, I have nothing to lose and I’d rather spend my time racking up accomplishments for the bi and LGBT community than wasting my time on a relationship that doesn’t work, even a bi one. I would be willing to cut back a bit for true love, however. My psychic bisexual ex-boyfriend says it’s not in the cards. But I’m ready to throw the cards away.

***

Sheela Lambert is a veteran bi and LGBT writer, presenter and activist living in New York City with her son and her dust collection. She is the founder of the Bi Writers Association, organizer of the Bisexual Speakers Bureau in the NYC area, founder of the Bi Mental Health Professionals Association, Bi Teachers Association, Co-Founder of the Coalition of Unity and Inclusion and lead organizer of Bialogue. She was the lead activist who, together with transgender activist Pauline Park, spearheaded the successful inclusion campaigns convincing The Center, Heritage of Pride’s Annual Pride March, Pride Rally, and Pride Festival and The Film Festival in New York City to change their names from “Lesbian and Gay” to “Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender” and spearheaded the successful campaign to add a bisexual award category to the Lammys book awards. She is the host of Out Professionals’ LGBT Filmmaker Series and editor of the forthcoming anthology Best Bi Short Stories. She produced and hosted the first weekly bi TV series on the planet, Bisexual Network, on NYC public access cable in 1993 and was a correspondent on the GLBT public access cable show Out in the 90’s 1992-93. She produced a Safer Sex Workshop Series for Bi Women and Lesbians March 92-Dec 95, the only one of its kind during that time period. She has been an active member of Heritage of Pride, Queer Nation, Educational Coalition on Lesbian and Gay Youth (ECoLaGY) and the Manhattan Borough President's LGBTQ and Two Spirit Advisory Board. She has a B.S. in Psychology and has worked as an HIV Counselor, in homelessness prevention and managed health food stores. In her youth she lived in a Yoga monastery for five years at the Integral Yoga Institute, coincidentally, across the street from the LGBT Community Center on 13th Street.

(c) Copryight 2007 Sheela Lambert

[arana]

Thank you for a opening up a very close to home subject for many of us women....and men. Getting older is scary enough without the baggage that comes with it. When you talk to someone who's younger and they suddenly slap you in the face with something like, "Well I don't want to be with someone who's old enough to be my mother/father, that's just creepy" and you realize that you are that age now it's quite a weird feeling. You wonder where all those years went and why you didn't appreciate them more when you had them. Then you add on having an injury or illness that slows you down from things you use to be able to do so easily and the frustration really sets in. It seems like there are a lot in the same circumstances and just as many saying those things don't matter to me but for some reason or another these two types don't seem to find each other very often.......sorry rambling.

[PolyLoveTriad]

uhhh....

Boy doesnt this give you something to be depressed about... what a bummer

[Doggie_Wood]

Thank you for a opening up a very close to home subject for many of us women....and men. Getting older is scary enough without the baggage that comes with it. When you talk to someone who's younger and they suddenly slap you in the face with something like, "Well I don't want to be with someone who's old enough to be my mother/father, that's just creepy" and you realize that you are that age now it's quite a weird feeling. You wonder where all those years went and why you didn't appreciate them more when you had them. Then you add on having an injury or illness that slows you down from things you use to be able to do so easily and the frustration really sets in. It seems like there are a lot in the same circumstances and just as many saying those things don't matter to me but for some reason or another these two types don't seem to find each other very often.......sorry rambling.

You know, I remember when............. ahhhh! The memories.
And now comes everything that accompanies them including arthritis, etc.
Getting older really sucks, but thats life and I have been unable to find the quantum shift stabilization widget I need to complete my time warp traverser. So until I can finish it, your stuck with me.......... or is that I'm stuch with me? Whatever :cool:

[NaughtyNorm]

You have something most people would die for, a gift for words.
You tell if just as it is, Getting Old Is Not For Sissys...
Thanks for the article, I have never heard anyone put it out there for everyone to see.
Love Ya,
NaughtyNorm (or used to be) :cool:

[Alexshade9000]

Sheela Lambert, your article is timely and informative; it speaks to the soul. Most of us have never had the courage to live honestly without fear of censure and rejection. You have. It can be a lonely road; just talk to a modern day Sage, Prophet or 50 yr old bisexual public figure. I want to say that I appreciate your comments, activism and drive. You have accomplished more than most of us ever will. You touched me where it counts and for that I am thankful. Damn, I
wish you were passing through Illinois.

Alexshade

[jem_is_bi]

As a young man, my impression was that my appeal to women depended significantly on how they rated my prospects for accumulating wealth more than my physical attributes. As a young man, my desire for men was totally based on their physical attributes. As a young man, I suppressed my desire for men, acted on my desire for women and somewhat resented being rated as a source of income.
Now I am almost 60, my knees often hurt, my shoulders often hurt, “hell” everything often hurts. But, I can still physically outdo many that are half my age. As an advanced middle age (too young to be old) man, my desire for women has not changed. But my approach to women is tempered by reality since my impression is most (not all) women do not consider me particularly useful for anything. As an advanced middle age man, my desire for men has not changed. But my approach to men is tempered by the reality that many other bi-men my age (myself included) are still are happy to enjoy sex and companionship.

So for me, I try adapt to my changing body and social status. Life after 50 can still be quit pleasant. I hope all you who are young get to experience it that way.

JEM

[biwords]

Sheela still looks pretty hot to me.

[Herbwoman39]

Sheela still looks pretty hot to me.

Amen to that! I'd date her! But then I turned 40 this past January, so my prospects for young hotties are pretty slim.

Thanks for being so open and honest about your experiences.

[Azrael]

Very well done. I know I'm just a kid, but some days I feel 200. It all goes by so fast, and before ya know it, it's something that happened. Thanks for being real, darling :bibounce:

[fuscialadybug]

To the lady and gentleman who said I look pretty hot, to you, I say *blush* thank you! (Of course, I went through an entire roll of film to find the most flattering photo that makes me look thinner and doesnt show my double chin!)

I originally started writing this piece for an anthology on ageing but lost track before the deadline...early Alzheimers coming on! Was glad to be able to find a home for it here. Getting all your feedback and commentary is very heartwarming.

This is an issue that is not much discussed and was hard for me to put out into the public domain. It's much easier for me to profile or interview someone else, making them sound interesting and glamorous, than to reveal the decline of my own attractiveness and ability to function as a human being.

I loved the quote: Getting Old Is Not For Sissys...so true and neither is disability!

Such thoughtful comments by Arana, Dogwood, Alexshade, Azrael and others make me feel very warm inside and that taking this risk was worth it.

I'll keep checking in to read your comments so anyone new, feel free to speak your mind!

Sheela :bibounce:

[texasman6172003]

Hey Shella,Such a wonderfull article!! Very nice indeed.. Well as someone that has had degeniretive arthritis since i was 35,now 48, getting old can suck most day's.. But by damm most days i feel much younger!!! And you are a beutifull woman. You just have to deal with what life throw's at you. Well thank's for a wonderfull article!! Charles... :bipride:

[lzielinsky]

What a sharply detailed article of Real Life, Sheela! Here's hoping you find the passionate partner, while pursuing the bi activism passion. Sometimes when you aren't looking is when the best ones will find you.

[nmcbklyn]

Sheela, I joined the bi community at age 56 and was consistently the oldest woman on websites. Now at 60 I am still often the oldest woman on websites, and certainly in the minority on those websites that do have older members. Added to the disadvantage of my age is my being poly and married, and even if any age-appropriate prospects are out there, my being married is usually the death knell to any hope of a relationship. Just about every day I give up hope of ever being partnered with a woman again, but deep in my heart I am not sure I can give up trying.

In spite of arthritis in most of my joints (severe in my knees), ten years of hot flashes, an empty nest, and seeing a stranger in the mirror every time I peek, I don't really mind growing old. It seems that it is the younger women, who now seem to so easily identify as bi, that are the ones who object to my having grown old. I am the one they turn to for sage advice and comfort, but only a rare few turn to me for a romantic relationship. I enjoy the status that comes with being a senior citizen, but not at the expense of having an intimate relationship with a woman.

[onewhocares]

Well I guess I have a slightly different take on this thread. I guess I do not seem to have a problem on here as I never make looks and important aspect of meeting people. I personally do not think that I am the most attractive women on the site. I am six feet tall, blonde hair an glasses and not skinny, yet I find that I have made friends here. I have had the pleasure of meeting so so many people in person from this site, and have never been disappointed. Personality, heart and soul are what makes a greater person in my eyes.

Belle

[arana]

Sheela, I joined the bi community at age 56 and was consistently the oldest woman on websites. Now at 60 I am still often the oldest woman on websites, and certainly in the minority on those websites that do have older members. Added to the disadvantage of my age is my being poly and married, and even if any age-appropriate prospects are out there, my being married is usually the death knell to any hope of a relationship. Just about every day I give up hope of ever being partnered with a woman again, but deep in my heart I am not sure I can give up trying.

In spite of arthritis in most of my joints (severe in my knees), ten years of hot flashes, an empty nest, and seeing a stranger in the mirror every time I peek, I don't really mind growing old. It seems that it is the younger women, who now seem to so easily identify as bi, that are the ones who object to my having grown old. I am the one they turn to for sage advice and comfort, but only a rare few turn to me for a romantic relationship. I enjoy the status that comes with being a senior citizen, but not at the expense of having an intimate relationship with a woman.You can't ever give up Hope, NM, for in the end that is all any of us really has to keep us going. Eventually you will find someone that see's the gem you really are. It's sad when people tend to judge on a number rather than the person, but I guess that goes with everything really.

[Loraine]

Dear Sheela,
I really really agree with your feelings and thoughts expressed in this piece in the sense that my experiences have been quite similiar -- lotsa fun warm intense cuddly hot heart-felt sex in my 40s and then it getting more difficult in my 50s and in less than a year i'll be SIXTY and hey, we old folks still wanna have fun too! :tongue:
However there is something pity-partying about the way you lay it all out too that's sad and that i wanna humor you out of because self-fulfilling prophecies are too much a bummer!
Chin up grrrlfriend, once more of us start Alzheimering and are allowed (ha) to play around in the nursing homes maybe it'll be better.
love,
Loraine
P.S. i also have disabilities and the disabilities rights movement is right that society de-sexualizes differently abled people and the more i know this the more i'm determined to FIGHT it, too!

[nyecamden]

I too think you're hot. I tend to fancy people of a variety of ages, and there are a couple of people I'm interested in who are in their fifties.
:flag3:

[syllopsium]

It's unfortunate, but in this case it's not really a 'bi' thing (at best it's a 'poly thing'). The prime reason is obviously Crohn's disease; partners may not be forever, but friends on the whole are not going to mind you getting older. (unless of course, a cultural difference manifests itself).

Of course, being bi doesn't help in many cases and the perception of the author as a commitment shy HBB when dating doesn't help. I can only suggest being very clear about what you want, and upfront about yourself with good pictures so as to restrict responses to genuinely interested people. You'll still get sleazes mailing you, but nothing will stop that.

I'm going to be a bit brutal : Some people were never hot in the first place, and they learn to sort out their own issues, become less focused on other hot people (there has to be attraction of course, but the author seems very focused on appearance) and figure out that if doing the same thing over and over again isn't working that they need to do something different.

Is it upsetting that people discriminate against those who aren't as able bodied/hot/rich/whatever? Yes it is. However, the world will not change for you. Either find a group of people who appreciate the qualities you do have, or develop qualities that offset the aspects of yourself that decrease your dating potential.

I'm not completely heartless, I do feel for anyone with a chronic illness, and I realise that in such a situation life is hard. Unfortunately it's still not going to bring Mr and/or Miss right to your door. If you're depressed, go and see the doctor about it. Otherwise, the status quo isn't working, so change things.

Maybe other people with a long term disability could offer advice, if this is the main issue?

[julie]

....friends on the whole are not going to mind you getting older. (unless of course, a cultural difference manifests itself).

I can only suggest being very clear about what you want, and upfront about yourself with good pictures so as to restrict responses to genuinely interested people. You'll still get sleazes mailing you, but nothing will stop that.

I'm going to be a bit brutal : Some people were never hot in the first place, and they learn to sort out their own issues, become less focused on other hot people (there has to be attraction of course, but the author seems very focused on appearance) and figure out that if doing the same thing over and over again isn't working that they need to do something different.

However, the world will not change for you. Either find a group of people who appreciate the qualities you do have, or develop qualities that offset the aspects of yourself that decrease your dating potential.




Hey Syllopsium, good to see you here in the forums at last (:

.... I know Syll socially and have such respect for his wisdom and trustworthiness, he is indeed one of the good guys :bigrin:

... I really value Sylls words 'some of us were never hot in the first place'

I was like you Sheela.... not quite so hot maybe :oh: but i had my moments and never questioned my physical attractiveness to others. Then I became desperately ill with depression and gained over 112lb as a side effect of crucial life saving meds.

Quite apart from the impact this had on my personality and relationships, the altered body image was a truly devastating experience for me. I could barely walk or even carry my whole weight. I was unsteady on my feet and often fell downstairs and was unable to pick myself up.....

I could not express my personality or sexuality in my dress as nothing fit me ( i went up to a UK size 32 top and 26 bottom) even resortig to wrapping a muslin curtain around me, sarong style, in the summer as nothing else touched me and, as i am unable to work, have no finances to spare for even high street specialist size clothes.

I saw this time, though devastating, as one of the most important times in my life. I saw how much i take for granted. I expect respect and visibility. I expect my words to be listened to and acknowledged. I expect to be found attractive.

How arrogant of me, how naive are these expectations! Suddenly I too was invisible, of no consequence whose wisdom is meaningless because I was no longer acceptable to look at. A humbling experience indeed.

I was lucky. I fought for, and won, a referral to a weight management specialist hospital. Where, against everyone's expectations of me, i stuck to the programme and lost all that weight. Also, with the help of my psychiatrist, weaned myself off the drug that had caused this weight gain.

In the UK health care is free as are prescriptions for those of us who are dependent on state benefits. I do not underestimate how lucky i am to have been able to access this free support.

But the point that Syll makes about some of us always being 'not hot' reminds me not to be so superficial. I lost many friends over the past five years and am glad they have gone because they clearly weren't worth having in the first place.

Yes, you are getting older Sheela... You live with a devastatingly intrusive, chronic illness, how cruel. And your beauty comes more from within nowadays (stunning hair though!). You have many memories of the past but the past is gone now, its over. The new friends and lovers you make will be with the person you are now, not who you once were.

You seem to be grieving just now Sheela, for lost loves, your fertility, your health and beauty. It is healthy to grieve....to grieve and move on to a new reality. I hope you can make new friends here and on other sites, where your age and sexual orientation will be accepted as just part of who you are now.

love julie.

[D3nn1560]

I think you are beautiful from what I can see. Usually, I make a connection through massage and can see who people really are inside; it sounds wierd but I can, so I don't prejudge on outer appearance. Did I say you look beautiful?
I can relate to your situation, I am almost 47, and I have a messed up back, arthritis in my left hip, and worst of all, an inflamed prostate. The prostate has been getting better slowly cause I keep masturbating to keep it from getting too full. I suffered from depression for 7 years after the injury to my back and the resulting slide in my health.
I'm here on this site with all you good people to fix all of that. This is what I want. If it only comes down to chatting with someone, thats ok. If you need to get a healing massage, come see me. I do it for friends now, but I used to be professional. I have references to my advanced skills.
I just started focusing on other people besided myself. Just reach out and do what you can, hold who you can, and love who you can because life is short and even shorter if focus on yourself and get depressed.
Get with your friends, spend more time naked, and take care of yourself; enjoy life.

[divapro9]

U maynot b hot 2 the people u have met so far...that is only because your standards and code of ethics have changed. So do u really want 2 b hot the way u used 2? I think not...just b u...it's that u that will attract the right kind of partner that will b a 'life partner'.

divapro9 from Memphis

[jamiehue]

It's unfortunate, but in this case it's not really a 'bi' thing (at best it's a 'poly thing'). The prime reason is obviously Crohn's disease; partners may not be forever, but friends on the whole are not going to mind you getting older. (unless of course, a cultural difference manifests itself).

Of course, being bi doesn't help in many cases and the perception of the author as a commitment shy HBB when dating doesn't help. I can only suggest being very clear about what you want, and upfront about yourself with good pictures so as to restrict responses to genuinely interested people. You'll still get sleazes mailing you, but nothing will stop that.

I'm going to be a bit brutal : Some people were never hot in the first place, and they learn to sort out their own issues, become less focused on other hot people (there has to be attraction of course, but the author seems very focused on appearance) and figure out that if doing the same thing over and over again isn't working that they need to do something different.

Is it upsetting that people discriminate against those who aren't as able bodied/hot/rich/whatever? Yes it is. However, the world will not change for you. Either find a group of people who appreciate the qualities you do have, or develop qualities that offset the aspects of yourself that decrease your dating potential.

I'm not completely heartless, I do feel for anyone with a chronic illness, and I realise that in such a situation life is hard. Unfortunately it's still not going to bring Mr and/or Miss right to your door. If you're depressed, go and see the doctor about it. Otherwise, the status quo isn't working, so change things.

Maybe other people with a long term disability could offer advice, if this is the main issue?
about....the courage to change the things i can with that serenity.

[GreenEyedLilo]

I've only ever been "cute", maybe even "surprisingly sexy," but not hot. I'm grateful for that now. I'm 33, so I don't have to deal with this yet, but Gods willing, I'm sure one day it might come up.

Aging in our community does need to be discussed. I posted a question in the LGBT section of Yahoo! Answers tonight: "Do you have older LGBT role models?" (http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Av7tp16YbP.l288JgkaOYgLsy6IX?qid=200705 30185423AA1gci0) We need them so very badly. Our community needs much more than hotness. We need to know what happens when our hotness fades but our minds don't. We need to stop feeling the need to reinvent the wheel every generation, and have a good idea who to turn to.

Thank you so much for writing this.

[fuscialadybug]

Thanks to everyone for responding to my article with wisdom and reassurance or even criticism.

I apologize to those who felt it wasnt inspirational enough. I did offer other more glamorous or intellectual article topics but this was the one they chose. Maybe they thought it would be more inspirational also, LOL. I hope that other folks in my boat can take solice from knowing they arent the only one and that others can draw some understanding for our experience.

I focus on bi activism and organizing to give my life meaning and purpose. Achieving goals that benefit the bi community gives me joy. I certainly do know that who I am is special, unique, interesting and worthwhile. That is one of the benefits of age. You believe in your own self-worth.

Well that's my inspirational message for today. Tomorrow is the Lammys where I am honored to be co-presenting the bi book award winner and Friday is Bi Lines: A Celebration of Bisexual Writing in Reading, Music and Culture which I am organizing. I'll check in again soon for more messages.

Sheela :bipride:

[reginanjus]

Sheela Lambert

Uh, You are still hot Sheela!
I have noticed a falling off of people that enjoy this type of life and have a good time being bi! Quite a few bi groups of our friends have ended meeting as a group. It may just be a cycle in life?
I am a Transgendered, Non-Op, Married to a wonderful SO, Bi Person. If I want to have sex with some one other than my SO, I Have to BUY! Even if we want a threesome or moresome! I think that makes me a BUY sexual Bi-sexual? The biggest problem we face is that for every true top guy there is. There seem to be 100 or more bottoms so the tops get to choose the "Best".
Most of the guys that tell us they are Bi Just want to Have a good time with my SO and Nothing at all to do with me! It Hurts me when that happens! We live in NJ. not far from NYC. But going into NYC and back as not fun for us so we limit ourselves!Again There is nothing wron with you YOU ARE HOT! Regina & Sally

[smokey]

If you an arrange it so, make all your mistakes in life pleasurible ones; after all, they will be your memories.

Life changes and ebbs and flows. At one point in my life when I was young and slim and beautiful I had more sexual partners than I could shake my dick at. At 51 not anymore. Do I miss it? Of course but at the same time men don't look at aging like women do...we are more likely to accept it and move on as opposed to getting all depressed.

Living life is accepting the full experince, not just the good times.

[flexuality]

This article has been bothering me since it went up. Really bothering me.

It's the age thing.

This is nothing personal Sheela, it's well written and for a lot of us, it's also true.....and I think that is what bothers me so much.

With a birthday fast approaching, I will be turning....gasp.....48. I still FEEL 25 most of the time. I am finding that all the years of being "told" by the media mostly that at 50 a woman might as well beome a nun, forget being sexy or attractive and that suddenly at 50 we will BE OLD, that I seem to have developed this 'image' of what a 50 year old should look like and be like......and it scares the hell out of me to be honest.

When I look in the mirror, I don't see that. I don't SEE old....I don't SEE useless.....I don't SEE a nun.....I don't SEE "no longer sexy"....but I also don't see that 18 year old either.

Yet, I look around me and I see people tripping over themselves when the 18, 20, 25 year old bodies walk by....and deep down I feel sad for some reason.....and yet....I was asked not long ago if I was going to be 21 'again' for my birthday, and I had to stop and think about that.

Would I want to be 21 again? If it meant that I had to give up the smattering of wisdom I have gained (through no easy means I might add!) then I would have to say "no." Would I want to be seen as young, attractive, usefull and maybe even sexy? Yeah, I'm vain....I admit it.

But the funny thing I have discovered, is that I really don't have a problem with how I look or the fact that gravity does in fact act on the human body, or that what once was any old bikini now has to be "stratically placed" swimwear.

What I DO have a problem with is that I feel very isolated in my thinking. There don't seem to be a lot of people who agree with me. It seems to be that no matter how "okay" I am with me and my age, that I have to tolerate a rather large portion of society that isn't okay with it.

It doesn't even seem to matter that I don't look even close to my age, as soon as people find out that magic number, thier attitude changes and I feel slapped with the "old" label and "old" image.

I am also finding that a LOT of women my age don't "look it." Gets me wondering how many women have been lowering that age number and for how many years.....it seems my 'image' of a 50 year old more closely matches someone 20 or 30 years OLDER than that!

I realize that I "shouldn't care what other people think"....I just find it really hard to be around the comments for any length of time......sort of like being bisexual and being around people who are constantly telling you that bisexuality doesn't exist....it gets tiring after a while.

Someone made the comment that men handle aging better than women do, which is probably true.....but then men are bombarded with youthful images of women without even marks on their skin, let alone any other imperfections the way women are. At least men aren't affected by it the same way women are...and it's everywhere.

And no matter how okay women are with themselves, there are STILL many, many people who are not okay with anything that's too short of that expectation...and we hear about it, directly or indirectly.

So....are we old? I don't think so....I think we got smacked with another label.

[rissababynta]

i'm very nervous now after this article. i'm 20 years old and have known that i was a bisexual female since the 6th grade and have NEVER been with another female before, other than kissing. i don't feel that any women are attracted to me enough and now i'm wondering how it's going to be when i'm 50? if i can't even get anyone now what is it gonna be like then?! oh sigh...


but anyways, the article was very well written. i am impressed at how you opened your life up to so many people and revealed not only embarassment but strength at the same time. you are still a beautiful person, inside AND OUT.


and i'm glad your vibrator didn't electrocute you...that would have been a real interesting day at the ER...

[richarddennis]

I've always liked mature men and women!

Now I am one of them, at 60, but I still have a preference for mature.

Becoming a paraplegic at 27, it just seemed to spur my interest in bisexual activities and over the years life has been good.

I've learned to not worry too much about rejection and know that personality has become my biggest asset.

Becoming a nice guy with a confident nature doesn't hinder and wondering about what could have been is not as important as what could be or is.

Knowing countless in the disable community, depression is rampant, but being an optimist leads to self fulfilling prophesy...sorta...:-)

Considering each day a gift may be considered a tad too polyannaish, but I get a big grin just the same.

All the best too y'all, the best is yet to be...if we let it.

[jem_is_bi]

This article has been bothering me since it went up. Really bothering me.

So....are we old? I don't think so....I think we got smacked with another label.

Yes, another label. But should we settle for old?
Old, means that, Mr. Death has moved into the spare bedroom, just so he is close by when needed. I have previously experienced his very near presence. So I know he is not staying in my spare bedroom!
I refuse to be labeled old. Rather, (59 yrs old), I am upper middle age.

Upper middle age means expending energy only on important issues.
Upper middle age allows us to provide critical guidance to our children such that they become young men and women we are proud of.
Upper middle age is wisdom, knowledge, experiences and memories that are treasured so much that we would not trade them for lengthened life span.

More could be listed but let me end it with:
Upper middle age means it takes two hours of sexual play before the fireworks. :bigrin:

JEM

[fuscialadybug]

Considering each day a gift may be considered a tad too polyannaish, but I get a big grin just the same.

If you feel that each day is a gift, you should definitely go with that... your own happiness is of utmost importance...who cares if someone else may think you polyannaish. Dont let anyone kill your joy. As long as you are also able to be compassionate and not judge others with different feelings, they shouldnt judge you either. Happiness and contentment are not that easy to achieve, especially when disabled, so good for you!

Sheela :rainbow:

[fuscialadybug]

If you an arrange it so, make all your mistakes in life pleasurible ones; after all, they will be your memories.
Love this quote Smokey!


Uh, You are still hot Sheela!

*blush* Thanks!


Sheela :angel:

[fuscialadybug]

(Quote below edited)

When I look in the mirror, I don't see that. I don't SEE old....I don't SEE useless.....I don't SEE a nun.....I don't SEE "no longer sexy"

Would I want to be 21 again? If it meant that I had to give up the smattering of wisdom I have gained (through no easy means I might add!) then I would have to say "no." Would I want to be seen as young, attractive, usefull and maybe even sexy? Yeah, I'm vain....I admit it.

But the funny thing I have discovered, is that I really don't have a problem with how I look or the fact that gravity does in fact act on the human body, or that what once was any old bikini now has to be "stratically placed" swimwear.

What I DO have a problem with is that I feel very isolated in my thinking. There don't seem to be a lot of people who agree with me. It seems to be that no matter how "okay" I am with me and my age, that I have to tolerate a rather large portion of society that isn't okay with it.

Someone made the comment that men handle aging better than women do, which is probably true... At least men aren't affected by it the same way women are...and it's everywhere.

I know what you mean. I feel like basically the same person, then I catch my reflection in a plate glass window and wonder, who is that double-wide person? Inside, I feel pretty much the same as I did thinner and younger--other people see me differently, I guess. Two years ago I was 90lbs for a year due to illness, so I would rather be extra large than do that again.

I'm with you, definitely wouldnt want to trade one ounce of wisdom or experience for rolling back the clock either. What I learned in the past week alone is invaluable to me.

My inner self is what I consider to be me. My body changes so much, at this point, I dont really have a body image "identity" anyway, as either a fat, medium or skinny person because I have been everywhere on the spectrum.

I also hear you on the vanity point--I'd definitely rather have my 32 year old body back...but only if I could keep the same mind.

I hear you about the "strategically placed bathing suit" LOL or in my case, shorts and halter top. My cotton bathing suits no longer fit and they dont make them any more--only synthetic...ick! I had taken to wearing cotton/lycra leotards (with slimming princess seams) as a bathing suit but they only go up to extra large at Capezio.
And dont get me started about stores that only carry clothes up to a size medium! Luckily, gravity has been kind to me so at least still pretty firm and I can still get away with no bra. (Even if I couldnt get away with it, I stopped wearing those straight jackets a long time ago and cant go back.)

I personally prefer people with a little age on them because hopefully they have some wisdom to share...this youth worship has its drawbacks (less cellulite not being one of them!)

Of course men handle ageing better! Women are not as youth or looks obsessed so men arent subjected to the same degree of evaporation with age as women. Except when dating other men (generalities of course, and generalities do not apply to you, whomever is protesting "but I am not like that!")

Thanks, Flexuality for your great post...honest, real and thoughtful (as in full of thought.) Also love your glittery Cheshire Cat. :bibounce:

Love and Peace to everyone.

[vittoria]

Still Sexy After All These Years? Nope. Bi, Celibate and Old.

By Sheela Lambert

http://main.bisexual.com/forum/images/misc/miscstuff/author22.jpgBi, celibate and old. This is what my life has come to. When I first discovered the New York City bi community, back in 1991, I was quite popular. In fact, I was the belle of the ball. For ten years I had boyfriends, I had girlfriends…sometimes at the same time! There was the occasional threesome or foursome and constant invitations to sex parties and sex clubs that I always turned down (well almost always.) On one birthday, the entire guest-list of my bisexual birthday party gave me a group massage, which they offered (several times!) to turn into an orgy focused solely on me (I stuck with the massage.) A select bunch from my Bisexual Women’s Group went out together every week to dances and movies and beaches and I was always one of the gang. Groups of bi folk would actually gather in my apartment, even though I live in Washington Heights (commonly referred to as the nosebleed section of Manhattan).

When I was in my thirties and had lost my baby-fat but had not yet gained middle-age spread… I was hot. I was slender, curvy, and although not supermodel material, looked quite fabulous in a bikini—despite childbirth and a few stretch marks that could only be seen in bright light. My ex and I had joint custody of our son, so although I was a single mom half the week, I was single the other half. I never had to wait more than a few months between beaus or beauties, sometimes the start-up of one relationship occurred right on the heels of another’s demise. Even my diagnosis of Crohn’s disease didn’t put that much of a crimp in my social life at first because I already had a boyfriend, a girlfriend and lots of friends.

But the girlfriend decided she wasn’t comfortable with my double dating (now she’s the poster girl for polyamory) and the boyfriend wanted a healthy partner and children. Other bisexual relationships, though delightful in many ways, came and went.

But now, 13 years after my illness was diagnosed, it’s been two years since I’ve been in a relationship. And I’m not sure the last two even count. They were two recycled boyfriends, one bi and one incorrigibly straight, that I reactivated out of loneliness and the hope they would work out better the second time around. They didn’t. My theory was that two workaholics equal one decent boyfriend. But I just ended up being twice as frustrated when both of them cancelled dates, didn’t call when they should have or kept taking weeks off from the relationship because they “needed time alone.” Theoretically I was in two relationships. But in reality, I was spending weeks without a single date. I finally broke up with both, deciding that being alone would be about the same as dating those two, except without the cancellations. And then when they didn’t call me, at least I was expecting it.

About a year later, I had a few dates with a woman from one of my bi groups who proved even more slippery than the guys I broke up with. (In my experience, when it comes to dating, women are just as screwed up as the guys.) She had flirted with me years ago but when we went to see her sing in a Village jazz club, a light turned on. She had chocolate skin, long hair and a beautiful smile. She could spontaneously make up a new verse for an old standard and get everyone going. She got me going for sure. We had a couple dates but between her day job, gigging and rehearsing with her band, it was hard to get penciled in. I convinced her to squeeze in a date midweek. Although she invited me in, on my way out the door, she cancelled our date for the following Sunday. After she had her way with me. Apparently I had used up my quota of her time for the week. And this was a vacation week when she wasn’t teaching and had said she’d have more time. I got fed up and stopped calling. And since I had done all the pursuing…that was that.

Nine months later I turned 50 and freaked. I hadn’t had a date in 9 months. I hadn’t had a relationship in a year and a half. I had been faithfully attending my bi group twice a month, was showing up to a new one that popped up as well as an LGBT brunch group in my neighborhood (which turned out to be a bunch of gay guys, one lesbian and me.) I hadn’t met anyone. Just to prove to myself that I could still get a date, I put some personal ads on craigslist but left off my age. Of course since I’m bi, I had to post separate ads for men and women. And I had to be careful to write completely different wording so I wouldn’t be flagged as a repeat ad space hogger. And I had to omit any mention that I am bi.

In the men’s ad, I didn’t post that I am bi, because that attracts guys who assume I can’t wait to meet them at the nearest sex club. In the women’s ad, I didn’t post that I am bi because I would be instantly stereotyped and rejected as a bi-curious chick seeking a girl-on-girl one night stand. The only responses I could expect would be come-ons from women who are (very graphically), seeking the same.

To my bi-free ad I had many replies and three actual dates: two straight guys and a transgender woman (I answered her ad.) They went the way of most blind dates: in the crapper. I recently posted personal ads again and posted my age this time. The silence was deafening.

Apparently 20’s and 30’s are sexy. Even 40 isn’t over the hill these days. But 50 is the kiss of death. Of course, in person, people say I look much younger. But that still assumes that at 50 you have attained hagdom.

I’m experiencing the invisibility that goes with aging. Although it’s a relief to be catcall-free when I’m walking down the street, the lack of attention in my personal life is not as enjoyable. At 34, my social calendar was full. Either I have become eccentric and cranky in my old age or people just don’t think of 50 year old women as appealing. I’ve had some offers for casual sex, but one thing I’ve learned about myself over the years is that I’m into relationships and casual sex doesn’t do a thing for me.

Even the one time I got dragged to a sex party way back when (I was out of town at a bi conference and as everyone knows, conference sex doesn’t count) I fell in love. I called the girl I hooked up with at the party the next day and invited her to visit me in New York. I could tell over the phone that she thought I was a lunatic. She was taking the “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” approach and I was still thinking about the tender way she wrapped my scarf around my neck before I walked out the door.


I recently launched a new bi women’s group called Bi Women of All Colors, with Donna Redd, a friend from the good old days of the original Bisexual Women’s Group in NYC. Donna has a husband and a girlfriend—she is the bomb. I was hoping that this would be an opportunity for me to make new friends and possibly find a girlfriend too. At one of our recent dinners, two beautiful and interesting women showed up, each one special in her own way. I considered both, daydreaming about what it would be like to fall in love with each one. I was feeling quite hopeful. At the end of dinner they went off with each other.

What happened? I used to be that girl. The one that people wanted to go off with. But my role has changed. I am now seen as a mother-figure who provides opportunities for others. I am no longer hot.

I am also no longer child-bearing. I have already had hot flashes, night sweats and erratic periods. Even if I could get pregnant, when you have a child who is old enough to have his own; it’s time to close down the factory. I enjoyed motherhood but was never prepared to repeat an experience that almost killed me the first time. Luckily, modern medicine intervened and, unlike mothers who gave birth before the advent of antibiotics, I survived. And was able to enjoy raising my child.

I used to turn to family for love and attention when romance was in short supply. But the loved ones who made me feel special, my mom, my dad and my aunt have all died. My son regards me as a parent to rebel against, not a person to get to know. And my brother is a bit overwhelmed trying to substitute for the three people who have disappeared. Although he tries to be supportive, he is so tired of the bi topic, I can see his eyes roll up in his head even over the phone.

Right now, my main relationship is with my new vibrator which I was forced to purchase when my other one fried. It literally short circuited while in use, making scary noises accompanied by the acrid smell of burnt rubber—and a case of orgasm interuptus. “Electrocution by vibrator” might have gotten me into the Book of World Records, but I’m glad it didn’t.

Of course, having a chronic illness has caused me to be much less socially active. When you don’t have energy to go out, you have less opportunities to meet people. I don’t go to bi groups as often as I used to, or explore other events at the LGBT Center either. I don’t go to the theater, dance performances, restaurants or concerts—disabled people tend to be poor. I don’t go to free outdoor concerts either, as they require arriving an hour early to get an uncomfortable seat or a patch of grass (I need a backrest and a padded chair to sit for more than a few minutes) and if there are bathrooms, they are far from the seating area and have long lines; which I can’t stand on. I feel older than I look, a result of the constant fatigue from having a chronic illness. After 13 years, I only have a vague memory of what I used to be like pre-Crohn’s. People who can go to a job five days a week, play sports on the weekend or have a trim figure, all things I can no longer do, seem like they have superpowers to me.

My only superpower left is my activist work. Over 16 years, I have learned by doing. And because of the internet, it is something I can now do at home in my nightgown. I can rest between proposals and emails. And can turn my computer back on if I’m having insomnia at 3AM. Or 4 or 5 or 6. For some people, it would be a superpower to be able to speak out about their bisexuality. Either they have too much to lose or they’re having too much fun. At this point, I have nothing to lose and I’d rather spend my time racking up accomplishments for the bi and LGBT community than wasting my time on a relationship that doesn’t work, even a bi one. I would be willing to cut back a bit for true love, however. My psychic bisexual ex-boyfriend says it’s not in the cards. But I’m ready to throw the cards away.

***

Sheela Lambert is a veteran bi and LGBT writer, presenter and activist living in New York City with her son and her dust collection. She is the founder of the Bi Writers Association, organizer of the Bisexual Speakers Bureau in the NYC area, founder of the Bi Mental Health Professionals Association, Bi Teachers Association, Co-Founder of the Coalition of Unity and Inclusion and lead organizer of Bialogue. She was the lead activist who, together with transgender activist Pauline Park, spearheaded the successful inclusion campaigns convincing The Center, Heritage of Pride’s Annual Pride March, Pride Rally, and Pride Festival and The Film Festival in New York City to change their names from “Lesbian and Gay” to “Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender” and spearheaded the successful campaign to add a bisexual award category to the Lammys book awards. She is the host of Out Professionals’ LGBT Filmmaker Series and editor of the forthcoming anthology Best Bi Short Stories. She produced and hosted the first weekly bi TV series on the planet, Bisexual Network, on NYC public access cable in 1993 and was a correspondent on the GLBT public access cable show Out in the 90’s 1992-93. She produced a Safer Sex Workshop Series for Bi Women and Lesbians March 92-Dec 95, the only one of its kind during that time period. She has been an active member of Heritage of Pride, Queer Nation, Educational Coalition on Lesbian and Gay Youth (ECoLaGY) and the Manhattan Borough President's LGBTQ and Two Spirit Advisory Board. She has a B.S. in Psychology and has worked as an HIV Counselor, in homelessness prevention and managed health food stores. In her youth she lived in a Yoga monastery for five years at the Integral Yoga Institute, coincidentally, across the street from the LGBT Community Center on 13th Street.

(c) Copryight 2007 Sheela Lambert


i appreciate this...

thank you

[darkeyes]

Afta readin this...made up me mind if me hadnt already...not gettin old.. me gonna stay jus young an luffly.... an if me dus look like gettin old... babygirl...ya know wer the strichnine is..... jus shuv a load in me tea :(

[The Cheshire Cat]

This thread bothered me too. As a woman in my mid 50's,I would like to say being over 50 is not the kiss of death. No, i will never be or look 30 or 40 or even 50 again. But i am in good company! Everyone ages..it's all in how you look and feel about yourself. If u feel/think old...u will be. At (nearly) 55...I can still be hot! ;) :tong: :bigrin:

[meta23]

I think Sheela looks like quite the MILF. But we need more photos to be sure. :-)

[jem_is_bi]

This thread bothered me too. As a woman in my mid 50's,I would like to say being over 50 is not the kiss of death. No, i will never be or look 30 or 40 or even 50 again. But i am in good company! Everyone ages..it's all in how you look and feel about yourself. If u feel/think old...u will be. At (nearly) 55...I can still be hot! ;) :tong: :bigrin:


Yes!!! A hot 50+ woman! I really like hot 50+ women! WOW!!! :bigrin: I am almost 60, when the occasion is right, I can be hot too! :bigrin:

We all have adversity in life. But, life is precious; life is great. We do not get to do it twice. Over and above the normal routine of everyday life, growing older is a wonderful adventure, full of peril, thrills and excitement, financial ruin and wealth, emotional disaster and love, and good health to near death experiences. :2cents:

JEM

[birunner1951]

Sheela's article and the many posts bring me to step forward. As a bi male- first after being married for a long time to a woman in a relationship where I was totally in the closet there was a divorce. Then, I met a bi/poly woman, we fell in love, got engaged had a wonderful number of years, but before the wedding, it nuked - not over bi or poly but her adult (21) son whom was never held accountable for anything and I could not reconcile that my children (then 26 & 22) would see a totally different standard of accountability than what they grew up w/. - since then, there have been "sporadic" relationships- the one thing I have said to myself is "never again will I be w/ a person that does not only know I am bi, but understand emotionally how that affects me/us." I did date a woman, for some time, who knew, seemed okay w/ it and yet I began to feel like some sort of sociology experiment; also, that being bi was like being
an English-American, which is to say, it really wasn't important to her.
And I guess I have come to the conclusion that it is better to be alone and who I am than to be w/ someone and not be who I am. But what really struck me about Sheela's article was the whole dating thing- I dated a woman who by definition was bi (she was in a long term lesbian relationship, but out of that had been dating men, but really looked mostly at woman) - and it seemed to me (and we talked about this) that it was okay for her to date men and spend a lot of time looking at women, but it was uncomfortable for her to date me and have me look at the occasional man. Definitely two different standards. I am not a promiscuous male- since getting sober in 79 I have not slept around. I had no m/m experience before that and only 2 since w/ people I continue to know and care for deeply. I can't possibly see putting an ad in to look for a male and you put an ad w/ the word bi to look for a female companion and there is are no replies.
I know that being in a bi/poly relationship w/ a woman who wants the same is the best starting place for me- it worked so well once. But talk about a small pond - so, Sheela, et. al. it seems that while the Internet has helped us find people some what like us- we continue to feel like fish that are in ponds where other fish of the same species are spread through out ponds we have little access to.
So, at the same time (no surprise here, right?) I feel good to find several posts from people like me (I am over 50 and under 60) who are challenged w/ the same feelings and frustrated that I can't sit down and have coffee w/ you all.
Tom

[The Cheshire Cat]

Hey! Jem!...YES!, YES!, YES! ha,ha,ha,ha,ha... :bigrin:

[ohbimale]

Thank you for your article. I am 49 years young. Funny thing about age - the numbers don't always agree with how you feel.

It took a lot of courage for you to put your feelings out there for all to read. The life you have led also took courage and guts. You still have a lot of life left to live and share with others.

I think you are a hot woman and would be pleased to count you in my friends circle, whether we were intimate or not, it would be an honor. Cherish the friends and relationships you have had, have now and will have in the future. The people in your life are the most valuable treasures you will ever have.

I wish I were closer to you.

Many Bright Blessings. :bipride: :male: :male:

[gypsy1]

WOW, you have hit the nail on the head....hang in there, your work for society, i believe, is the important part right now, but I can say that I felt your "loneliness" as I scrolled through the sentences....much love and hugs

becca

[Waldo1]

I give you alot for opening up honey. You still look pretty to me.

[DareMe]

Great article, it can imagine it must have been tough to write.

Our society puts way to much emphasis on youth and looks.

[Mystic86]

I genuinely feel that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I think that you have to remember that it is very hard to find real people. However, I think that you will find someone real and be very happy... Everyone needs someone. And Hopefully, you will feel better when you find that someone... or when that someone finds you....

[slave_bob]

always keep a young open mind . that is the most important thing...tooo bad i couldnt have joined you at those parties in the olde days.-----bob

[lookn0ver]

:eek: we have nothing left to learn? 50 is done? maybe life is telling you something that you neglected to put into your blog. i refuse to elaborate because your education is much more than mine will ever be and i see something that obviously you do not. don't beg me to insult you :bipride: becoz it ain't gonna happen.

[purplespider]

This is all i will say on this, after the read..and then the ponder and then ...

whoa...

Your article darling, was brilliant!

We are who we chose to be. You lived your life... to this point

I ponder, when you were so called the bell of the ball..did you think about settling down?

Perhaps you didnt meet "the one"..but i believe we are young and attractive for a reason... its like babies..they are soo cute..so you wanna take care of them..youth attracks people...

then they get older and a tad more umm..non cute?? we loose patience..like teenagers? we want them gone... we love them..we cherish them..they drive us mad..


life is a cruel instrument...we live we laugh we learn...in the end we do only have ourselves to blame to regret to relive the whole mess..


karma..thats the word..were we meant to be alone?..make a difference in this world in our own way?

are we selfish? seriously, being bi..we want ...we want..do we deserve to have it all?

to be complete...have ying AND yang? I dont think the 50 thing or 60 thing has anything to do with it..

you are dealt a hand and must deal with said hand...your destiny is already written..for good or bad...life is muddling your way through it...

my two cents..

[fuscialadybug]

I think Sheela looks like quite the MILF. But we need more photos to be sure. :-)

MILF? Can someone please explain?

[fuscialadybug]

This thread bothered me too. As a woman in my mid 50's,I would like to say being over 50 is not the kiss of death. No, i will never be or look 30 or 40 or even 50 again. But i am in good company! Everyone ages..it's all in how you look and feel about yourself. If u feel/think old...u will be. At (nearly) 55...I can still be hot! ;) :tong: :bigrin:

You go girl! :bibounce:

[fuscialadybug]

WOW, you have hit the nail on the head....hang in there, your work for society, i believe, is the important part right now, but I can say that I felt your "loneliness" as I scrolled through the sentences....much love and hugs

becca

Thank you Becca, hugs to you too. :yinyang:

[fuscialadybug]

Great article, it can imagine it must have been tough to write.

Our society puts way to much emphasis on youth and looks.

Yes, yes, yes. Thank you.

Sheela :)

[fuscialadybug]

I give you alot for opening up honey. You still look pretty to me.

Thank you, Waldo :)

[fuscialadybug]

Your article darling, was brilliant!
.....
you are dealt a hand and must deal with said hand...your destiny is already written..for good or bad...life is muddling your way through it...

my two cents..

Thanks for your two cents! :color:

[fuscialadybug]

To everyone who responded, whether I responded personally or not, I really appreciate your comments and they mean a lot to me. You inspire me to keep working on behalf of the bi community and bi people everywhere.

Love to all.

Peace,

Sheela :flag3:

[dans94]

I too miss my younger days when I was in great shape and could pretty much have any sex I wanted. Although I'm not who I used to be, my fear of AIDS also has something to do with my lack of partners these days. It's also one of the reasons I've been spending more time investigating auto-erotica. Thank goodness for the sex toy industry! I think if my wife were not with me I'd be very happy living (and playing) with myself. ;) Good luck with your life and I hope you find the perfect companion to live it out with.

[bhg08054]

I know I'm late in responding, but I have been thinking about this ever since your article was posted.

First, I need to say that based on that one small picture that I would certainly classify you as a Very Sexy Lady!

Second, I have recently been experiencing some health issues, and understand how that affects one's outlook on life.

But I don't intend to let that stop me, and I hope you won't either!

BTW, if you're ever in my part of NJ and want to "hang out", let me know!

[foothillbilly]

I'm Calvin. I turned 50 years old last month, and I have arthritis and still have ADD. Fortunately for me, I'm in a religion that respects its elders, but your comments follow for me all the same. The discouraging part for me is that I only discovered my attractions to men about five years ago.

Today, I went to the Pride celebration. The only comments I got were of the "excuse me" variety. The other side of this is that I worked very hard to get this old, and one of the lessons I've learned is that what I need will come to me if I stay alert and open to the gifts.

I appreciate your writing. Minus the activism, my story pretty much matches yours. Men made passes at me when I wasn't ready; not lately. I've also tried reviving dead relationships. They hadn't changed, and didn't last as long the second or third time as they had the first time.

Nowadays, I am, however, married (just under four years). I have 12-step recovery to help, too, and as I said, I've learned that what I need will come to me. If I have my way, patience will come too. I'm not betting on it, though.

Calvin

[biverswm]

Time to move on. I'm a 50-something lifelong bisexual guy in great physical and psychological shape and I've have a lot of fun being bi because I've refused to get bogged down with one location, type of person. or set of circumstances. Lots of nice bi people outside NYC, so maybe you should try meeting a few.

[swbell3]

MILF? Can someone please explain?

MILF (n) Mother I'd Like to F*** :love1:

Just FYI :bigrin:

[bi_femme]

You're not so bad! ;) I think you're still hot.

I am 47 now, and I find that it's harder to meet people than when I was younger. I still get approached by men on the street, only not as much as when I was younger...and I'm glad of it because it made me uncomfortable. Most people our age are monogamous and married, so that's why it's hard to connect--it's NOT because you're so unattractive that no one would want you!

I've actually met some cool people through online dating sites (particularly Poly Matchmaker, which I recommend). I came out in my profile because I thought it was important to let people know up front that I'm bi. Of course, I had to weed out the wankers by saying don't contact me for cheating on your wife, three-ways, to get you into a sex club, etc.

Another way is to join a Meetup group in your area organized around polyamory (you'd be surprised how many exist in different cities). Even if you don't meet any potential loves that way, it's a great way to meet new people and have fun, which will make you happier during this dry spell.

Finally, keep in mind that it's not just you. Probably there are very few of us out there who haven't been through a period of celibacy (and loneliness, and frustration). It's tough to go through that and it feels like it'll last forever. (Like the one I went through last winter!) But if you are able to reach out enough, it won't, fifty years old or not.

Best wishes to you!

[kingofthejunglists]

My honest opinion is that suicide would be your best bet. Maybe wait until the boy's 18, but then just end it all. It's got to suck to be old and fat.

[rissababynta]

My honest opinion is that suicide would be your best bet. Maybe wait until the boy's 18, but then just end it all. It's got to suck to be old and fat.



well that was completely appropriate and not stupid in any way shape or form...

[oscar]

You are as sexy and hot as the person you are.

Think otherwise and it will be that way.

Chin up, the world is not ready for us :)

Cheers
Oscar

[*pan*]

NEVER GIVE UP- NEVER SURRENDER -
I think your still hot sheela :)

TOO MANY AGEAPHOBIC PEOPLE TODAY :eek: LOL

[miss_alexis_js]

Youre still hot. Don't let others say you are not. I seen that pic, and I think you're attractive.

[Catherine]

I understand how frustrating a change in perception of the "public" can be sometimes. Being ill does not help. However, I think there is more purpose in life and relationships than the bedroom. Sure, who doesn't love to be loved and touched. Absolutely it's a basic human need. But you know, there are a lot of ways to get there and sometimes in order to be touched, one needs to reach out and touch.

There are a lot of people who have lived their whole lives never really being appreciated, or touched or loved. The strength of people to persist in that kind of deprivation is phenomenal.

There are people in hospices, retirement homes, halfway houses, women shelters, schools, universities etc with people who would just love someone to give them a hug, hold their hand, or listen to them.

Even the doctor's office can give one opportunity to touch people's lives...ease the anxiety or the boredom of the wait, share a story or two and listen.

No it's not wild sex. But it can be just as meaningful. And who knows?

I love optimism. I do. My great grandmother out-jigged the mayor of her town when she was 92. Life isn't over until you say it is.
Catherine

[NomDe]

Sheela I'm one of those who thinks you're hot :-) What amazing hair you have :-)

I totally agree with the tone and content of your post which kicked off this whole discussion. There is absolutely nothing wonderful about aging, and in my opinion mother nature (I'm not giving capitals because she doesn't deserve it) is a total cretin.

Yes, as we get older we become more and more invisible. And there's no getting around the fact that physically we become less and less attractive. There is nothing sexy about a wrinkled up old neck.

Workwise, we get passed over for young people with little knowledge or skills, and little commitment either. It's assumed that our grey cells have leaked out over the years.

I'm not going to pretend to be optimistic about all this because I've got no intention of living in a fool's paradise for the rest of my life. I'm just getting on with stuff that matters to me, trying to milk out whatever pleasures in life are left. My work, my children and grandchildren, my sport as long as I can play it. I'm lucky to have a husband to share things with but there is that loneliness in my life that I have to face now will probably never be resolved. My time has gone.

This is the truth of getting old.

Sheela I'm so glad that you have your activism to provide you with real pleasure. I'm not really an activist, so much as someone who works in the background to spread information and knowledge. And my work in mental health is a source of purpose and pleasure. I think as we get older this stuff becomes more and more important.

Maslow called it the "generative stage" and at times I wonder do we move into this by choice, or because it's all that's left?

[Yellow Dog]

I was very hot. I am still very hot. I am just retired from the constant need of reassurance that I am hot.

Life changes -- you change with it whether you like it or not. Honestly, many people have had very serious illnesses -- some of those illnesses take
your hormones and hence your identity. Then you realize "hey ... I'm looking at things a different way now and I like it. I like the freedom of not being emotionally wrecked by someone else."

Sorry Sheela but to me you are feeling sorry for yourself.

There are many issues and causes that would benefit from a loving and kind human being. Stop thinking with your ego.

[Eddie altamonte]

Let me start by saying I find you soo sexy that i would ravish you and totally delight you in limitless pleasures. I am also having to deal with the passage of time on my body my hair is grey, my waistline is at a dimension I would never have imagined but i still in my mind conserve the feelings of youth that I had when I was in my 20's. I however am a much more skilled and attentive lover. Maybe I can't cum 5 or 6 times anymore in one night I may not be as athletic in bed but I have learned the art of a slow hand, the attention to detail. the importance of communication. Experience does have it's rewards. Sweetie I no longer seek to perform in bed I choose to have fun and be with those who equally are able to have fun as well

[jem_is_bi]

Let me start by saying I find you soo sexy that i would ravish you and totally delight you in limitless pleasures. I am also having to deal with the passage of time on my body my hair is grey, my waistline is at a dimension I would never have imagined but i still in my mind conserve the feelings of youth that I had when I was in my 20's. I however am a much more skilled and attentive lover. Maybe I can't cum 5 or 6 times anymore in one night I may not be as athletic in bed but I have learned the art of a slow hand, the attention to detail. the importance of communication. Experience does have it's rewards. Sweetie I no longer seek to perform in bed I choose to have fun and be with those who equally are able to have fun as well


You are a young man with a good perspective on how to maintain happiness as you growing older.
Please, be sure and keep your outlook on life! Us, even older, happy people need new recruits.

JEM

[leo32]

I am new to the bisexual community as well as this website so forgive the late response. I was just browsing thru the comments and was literally floored by this piece. Your writing style is so, I can't even find the right word, all I know is you write the way I think and I find it so illuminating. I would like to converse with you, if at all possible, sometime. I'm not suggesting I would have anything even remotely interesting to say to you but I'm new to Philadelphia and I'm finding it hard to connect with people; we live in an ever increasingly isolating time. If your interested, and when you have time, I'd love to hear from you. No pressure, of course. I'm leo32.

Lovely to have met you!

[LWynn4]

Thank you for sharing this article with all of us. It really put things into perspective for me about why I'm on sites like this and what a bitch it is to find a good relationship (or even a good date).

god, I mean your article is beautiful, so I'm having a hard time trying to comment on it. just thank you love, and good luck.

You are still hot and beautiful to me.

[roadtriper58]

Your still a hotty in my book.:tong:;):tongue:

[Bloodflower]

Sheela...I am 32 & the other day a 20 yr old woman on the internet told me I wasn't hot. I was like, "I know I'm much older than you, but I'm not 80 or something!" *sigh* It's hard letting go of the youthful vibe & accepting the wrinkles that are quickly forming on my body. However, I am proud of the wisdom that comes w/ each passing year & the financial stability that I have now that I never had when I was young.

:cool:

[BareHunter45]

My wife is almost 50 and she is still hot....it just comes in flashes now!

[DiamondDog]

My wife is almost 50 and she is still hot....it just comes in flashes now!

LOL
Take her to see Menopause! The musical!

There are songs about hot flashes, craving chocolate, and I'm sure they had a song about how once you hit LOL THE PAUSE how your womb is now and will be forever barren! :(

[wonderer]

Sheela,

People can be so cruel you know. Those people you met years ago..well, it seems they must not have been real 'true' friends in the first place. Where are they all now? Now that you have grown older, wiser, have an illness, and might need them? I think that is down right cruel !!

To me you are one 'hot' lady simply because you are so intelligent, honest, and also funny. :) Also, I absolutely LOVE your hair!! Omg...I'd die for a head of hair like that honey. I'm 48 and mine gets thinner all the time. :eek:

Honestly though, you made me stop and think about life and the people in it. I knew already that there are some real jerks out there, but to read your article it really brings it into perspective. When these people you speak of (maybe some of them are there already) get to be older, they will hurt deeply for the way they have done others. And, you know what, they deserve it .. ten fold. I just can't imagine being friends with someone as brilliant as you, and just walking away. Are they stupid??? You are one awesome lady in my eyes. And beauty...dear lady..you have it!!

I am not writing this to make you "feel better" at all. I'm writing this from my heart. I mean every word. May all those heartless people wake up tomorrow with their teeth missing, and BALD! ;)

You just keep on writing and being who you are. The right person will come along..I just know it!

Big hugs to you dear lady. You are amazing and beautiful!
Phyllis

[*pan*]

i would never say you were no longer hot, growing old is manditory growing up is optionial lol. there will always be someone younger or older who will see the beauty in you as i do. you just stopped being in the flesh market when you reach a certian age. people tend to take an involvement more seriously and anyone who comes on to you now more likely to be sicencere. personaly i like older people, most seem to know what they want and are more stable. i would rather find someone a littel older then myself that is stable and sicencere then a young person who dosent know what they want and is enexpirenced. just my thoughts on this of course. peace and blessings > pan /|\

[Mr. Magick]

Sheela still looks pretty hot to me.

You said it Biwords! I wouldn't kick 'er outa bed fer eatin' crackers.

[Mr. Magick]

My previous smart assed comment aside (do not think I didn't mean it though), That was a beautiful article. You touched my heart. Age is an issue for me as well because I denied my sexuality until I was almost 40. I now seem to be swimming in pool with much younger more out going bisexuals. I've never really been much of a swinger, prefering at least some kind of relationship along with the sex, even if only friendship.
I've been diagnosed with diabetes for about half a year now and the prospect of possible erectile disfunction is very real and very scary. So I can relate (to some extent) to each of the issues you presented. Like I said you touch me in a place I try to keep hidden away and I thank you for your beautiful words.

[eddy10]

I seem to remember posting this comment before (alz??).
If it were not for mirrors and calendars, would I feel like I am 30 (or is that 39?).
Go for the gusto! Enjoy the ride. I do.

[fuscialadybug]

I've been diagnosed with diabetes for about half a year now and the prospect of possible erectile disfunction is very real and very scary. So I can relate (to some extent) to each of the issues you presented. Like I said you touch me in a place I try to keep hidden away and I thank you for your beautiful words.

Thank you so much for your touching reply. Sorry to hear about the diabetes. Chronic illness can be tough.

I didnt realize my article was still garnering replies. Thanks to everyone else who posted wonderful and supportive comments to my article since I last checked.

I have started a blog called Bidar (think gaydar except bi) since I wrote this article, covering bisexuality in media, arts and culture. Besides the fact that it's fun to write about bisexuality all the time, I have been able to get free tickets to queer plays and events in exchange for posting about them in Bidar. So I'm getting out a bit more and doing fun things. You can check out my blog here:
Bidar: reporting on bisexuality in media, arts and culture. Go to http://biwriters.livejournal.com/ or http://www.biwriters.org/pages/embeddedblogI.html
or http://www.biwriters.org/indexI.html and click on Bidar.

[Diane54]

I don't know how Sheela figures she is not hot. I think she is HOT,HOT, HOT.
Wish she lived near me so we could meet.
I refuse to grow old.

[Gina7777]

Hi Sheela. I'm in my 50s and new to this site but up to a few months ago belonged to hetero dating sites here in UK. Even though over 50 I had loads of replies from men apparently dying to meet me which felt great - much needed after years of being ignored at home. And I was surprised that a lot of these men who were interested in me were up to 15 years younger than me, and attractive as well! And those I got close to didn't seem to mind some very nasty scarring following major surgery.

BUT so far women seem to be very different. I have joined several bi dating sites and most of the women seem to be in their 20s or 30s but even those in their 40s or 50s did not seem remotely interested in me. Forgive me if I am wrong but I am under the impression that women are into the stereotype of the young beautiful female being the desired target, and older women are just not desirable at all. To be honest it is beginning to put me off trying to do anything about being bi. As others have said, we women do look after ourselves well and tend to look much younger than our years, so maybe it's best to just go to bi bars and clubs instead. Or maybe it's best to be celibate! But I do agree that not being held and stroked and all that goes with a physical relationship does present a bleak future, even if at least you don't have to waste all those hours gazing at your mobile wondering why he hasn't contacted you, yet again!!!

An excellent article, and glad you seem to be on the up and up now!

Gina xxx

[Vikkster230]

Well, I read this and started to freak out... I recently turned 40 and started to pursue the other possibilities. What does that mean for me, Am I dried up before I even have the chance to partake?

[Sourdough]

Rejection, the thing many of us hate the most. I'm now 60, and I can relate to much of what you wrote. At the age of 19 till 27 I was a boy toy for older women. I was in demand, and I was kept busy. I married at the age of 27, but the wife and I had an open relationship. She was HOT and also in high demand so we were both busy. At 35 things really slowed down. Now I had the time to devote to my interest in men, and things picked back up. Then at the age of 50, things really slowed on both fronts. No longer am I interesting to women, but I am no longer interesting to men either. Then the wife had ovarian cancer and her interest wained. My wife would never say no to me, but I had to initiate interest. Then at 55 my wife's youngest sister Mary moved in with us, and my wife had her take over what she felt were her sexual duties. My wife told me, "Just think a younger, beautiful blond, who likes sex". The men in my life completely dropped out of the picture. My drive is just as strong as it was when I was 19. But both my wife and Mary have slowed down. I am no longer a thing of interest to other women or men. The rejection screams in my face, but like my Dad told me "it is something I have to live with".

I do feel very fortunate that I have two loving women in my life that do everything they can to help me out. And I love them both dearly. In my mind I feel 19, but my body keeps telling me I am 60.

[girlgonewildness]

This really struck a chord with me as I met a lady today and we were talking about this exact subject. We both would love to hook up with porn stars but given our body types it just isn't in the cards. I have a feeling we will turn out to be each other's "porn star" eventually but that is the reality.

Isn't it funny that bi women can make the call as to when they are no longer attractive to 21 year olds, but it is so hard for straight men to do the same? No insult meant there, just a comment. I used to laugh whenever I saw the "old guy in the club" and resolved to never be the old girl in the club.

I am the same way - I used to model but gained weight steadily throughout my twenties, until I ended up at a size 18. I've worked it down to a 16, which is definitely much nicer on me as it has subtracted some icky looking jowls, but I'm still up there and it will take a hell of a lot more effort to tamp it down further. I have developed some healthier habits since taking some time to develop my at-home business, but don't expect to be down to a 12 anytime soon.

Oh yeah and from your pic, you are definitely still hot. No question about that. All I can say is if a girl can't get used to a few wrinkles how can she be bisexual - I've licked more than a few "wrinkles" in my day if you get my meaning :cool:

[Fred_Brice]

Older and Forgotten!

I believe that as we get older we may get bolder, please let me explain my current situation………..

My wife and I no longer have an active sex life together and she seems to have other priories in her life. Over the last few years or so she has loss most of her immediate family members. Now her life is all about spending most of her time with her daughters and their children. So sex is not one of her priorities due to the “change of life” issue that comes with getting older. Understand that this is both our second marriage. I love my wife very much. That much is very true and but I am still very human and I have needs also. I really love women…at least that what I've been telling myself for years since my early teen years.

A short history of my life is in order before I go on. I grew up in a home with my four (4) brothers and sexuality was rarely talked about. The main messages I remember when growing up as a young catholic boy was a man must be married to have sex and it must be with a woman and any sexual thoughts about another man and your own body was considered to be sinful. Remembering when I began masturbating, knowing that it was sinful and I went through a great deal of internal turmoil. I loved the feeling and touching my penis, making it hard, and eventually ejaculating. I do not remember fantasizing about men or woman. I just enjoyed giving myself pleasure, but that was still a sin.

I had my first sexual encounter was around the age of thirteen. The person that I had sex with was our former babysitter. She really was not much older than I was I think she must of been sixteen (16) or so because she was driving a 55 Chevy convertible that her dad had gotten for her sixteen birthday as I remember. One summer night she had picked me up from the neighbor grocery store that I had been worked at. We had ridden around for a while and had stop to grab a hamburger. After we had finished she had found a nice quiet place to park and she gave me my first oral experience, a mind-blowing blowjob. As time passed and on later dates she introduced me to the joys sexual intercourse. We had sex several times off and on for the next several years. Throughout my early teenage years I had managed to have sex with as many girls as I had found many female partners to engage in sex as often as I wished. At the same time, I would continue to have sex with my very first girlfriend.

I still remember still another night when an older man (probably in his late 60’s or so) who live up the street a few houses came by near closing time and ask if I could stop by and give him a hand moving something. Little did I know that he was a dirty old man? When I arrived he ask me follow him into his bedroom and started asking me different questions about sex. He asked if I ever had sex or a blowjob and I had answered yes from a girlfriend of mine. He then asked if I would like one now and I said from whom, as he reached out and touched me. Well I started getting hard and could not say no. After all “warm moist lips are warm moist lips”. And as time passed he had always wanted to do more. Looking back now, I know that what happened to me was wrong and it shaped much of my life.

Like many, when we were younger we either get stuck in the wrong role until we realize the mismatch or we have encountered opportunities to discover who we really are. I would hate to think of what my life would be like if I was still stuck in my junior high mindset. It might surprise you to know that I was all that interested in male sex, thinking it as something only gays enjoyed or that it would not be that much fun. Oh how I have learned so much since then. I am lucky though I escaped the limiting mindset of my small town school mentality and burst forth into an almost endless frontier of erotic possibilities. There are few things that I do not know if I will ever try, but there are many more enjoyable positions, role-playing, mindsets and roles that I am sure that I would enjoy interchanging. I do not discriminate now; I enjoy company of both women and men! Many years I believe that my first preference was to be with a woman but there are, some times that I crave the feeling of a smooth shaved (hairless) and hard phallus in my mouth and or maybe in my ass once again. I am glad that I got over the limits that American Society had set on me and I have now discovered what I enjoy and who I am. I would enjoy having some secure friends and have a conversation about your thoughts.

How about your comments …

[alegrias]

Sheela, I'm sorry that your life has taken such a downward turn. But, I for one, do not believe that life ends at 50. I'm 48 and I feel like I'm just getting started.

I firmly believe that "you're as young as you feel." My sister was "old" in her 30s. I don't plan to start feeling old until I'm in my 90s, at least.

Experience has taught me that how I feel depends a great deal on how well I take care of myself. Sure, I need to eat less and exercise more to stay in the same shape I was in 20 or 30 years ago. But I don't plan to use my chronological age as an excuse for not taking care of myself.

[KinseyStPaul]

Wow, did this hit home tonight.

I'm 53 and returned actively to the pursuit of finding a woman to share my life some 10 years ago. I had no trouble as a 43 year old attracting the interest of women. I had a number of dates, a couple of longer term relationships. Found myself back online placing a Personals ad at 51.

Nada. Zip. No response. It's like I wasn't there anymore.

I know all about the "young as you feel" adage and taking care of oneself. I look and act younger than my years. But I'm not going to lie about my age, and 50 and older is "over the hill" on the dating scene, at least judging from the lack of responses I'm now experiencing.

It's sad. But I think it's a fact of life.:eek:

[zabba33]

At 61 this is one of the few things that I know to be true for all of us:

Our lives are not determined by what happens to us, but by how we react to what happens to us.
Not by what life brings to us, but by the attitude we bring to life.

A positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts, events and outcomes.

It is a catalyst, a spark that creates extraordinary results!

[philly1]

one thing i relized that you just don't use sex as being sexy, but your mind and intellagence. I'm prepare to be old because i can feel happy that i reached that age with out the head bloww up games. Im spiritual so sexy comes with me not my partners but if they are sexy then i will tell them every day, but it comes with self asorbed feelings about you, that you let so many people to posses that confendents of your self, and that's a no no,but your hot to me.;):flag4::bipride::three::yinyang::grouphug::sm ilies12

[reno_cleve]

Sounds like someone is feeling sorry for themself.
Play the cards that are dealt.
There will be more cards dealt until you die. What you do with those cards makes you a winner or a loser. So you are not the lover you once were. Nobody is. Those people who adored you and hung out with you when you were young are acquantances not true friends. Which is what your looking for. You may find that true one, you may not. But play each day to the fullest, accomplish something each day and let the chips fall where they may.
You sounded like you were a hip person. But look deeper, better yet, dont look back. It may be too painful. But you have lived your life so now is the time to teach and support. And I am sure you will find your hotter then what you think.

[catalyst]

your hair looks beautiful
the idea of youth vs experience is a no brainer for me
certainly gay culture particularly gay men seem to put youth on a platform
i want more than just fast sensations - tantric sex interests me alot!

maybe you need to date outside your close circle people can get a limited view of you,
i find internet helpful and cybersex is another dimension!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Gina7777]

Do you know what ... I think that once you are over 50 you do have to lie about your age a bit, because a lot of people still have a picture in their mind of what someone over 50 would be like.

People are always amazed when they find out my real age because, thanks to lucky genes I guess, I do look a lot younger than I am. I also have a younger attitude to life - I'm full of fun, and have very liberal views on people of all different types and persuasions. I take a vague interest in what sort of music young people like, how they dance now (though hopefully do not show myself up like drunken uncles at weddings!). Admittedly the bod has definitely seen much better days but my bedfellows don't seem to mind - by that time they have been attracted to me not only physically but personality-wise as well and I always have a lovely time in bed. I am so grateful for so many lovely people being interested in me!!!

But warning: when I am over 60 there is no way I am going to admit it here because people will imagine me with a zimmer frame and incontinence knickers!

:three:

[rissababynta]

Do you know what ... I think that once you are over 50 you do have to lie about your age a bit, because a lot of people still have a picture in their mind of what someone over 50 would be like.

People are always amazed when they find out my real age because, thanks to lucky genes I guess, I do look a lot younger than I am. I also have a younger attitude to life - I'm full of fun, and have very liberal views on people of all different types and persuasions. I take a vague interest in what sort of music young people like, how they dance now (though hopefully do not show myself up like drunken uncles at weddings!). Admittedly the bod has definitely seen much better days but my bedfellows don't seem to mind - by that time they have been attracted to me not only physically but personality-wise as well and I always have a lovely time in bed. I am so grateful for so many lovely people being interested in me!!!

But warning: when I am over 60 there is no way I am going to admit it here because people will imagine me with a zimmer frame and incontinence knickers!

:three:

Both of my parents are over 50 and they look absolutely wonderful. My Dad has his fair set of problems, but he has aged absolutely wonderfully (has a slight salt and pepper look running through his hair...looks soooo nice on him) and my mother has been working the past couple of months in the gym training for an over fifty body building kind of competition...so yeah, when I hear fifty I don't think a whole lot of it haha.

[noabody]

I feel eclipsed by the shadow of such a powerful story, and humbled to the point of not adding a remark. How can one not remark to something so truly beautiful, tragic, revealing, depressing, enlightening and might I say hopeful?

It's hopeful because you understand who and where you are and the obstacles you face. You have the insight to reveal this wound to others, not just to feed your own needs but so that we might better understand ourselves. I've often thought that the only thing we can count on is death, that the urge of self-preservation is sometimes the only thing that drives the next breath.

In my youth, when I realized myself, I looked out into the future and tried to plot the endpoints to the paths that I followed. Not so much a self-fulfilling prophecy but a logical path assuming no deviation. I see what I've always seen, everything falling apart around me until I am alone. I choose not to believe in that eventuality but I can see it. The longer I hold things in, the more they wear me down, and the pace quickens along a path.

I'm an introvert computer enthusiast that feels more comfortable with machines than people. Had I the resources to go into computer science and electrical engineering I would be single today and I'd just about guarantee single to the end.

Your life is changing but the richness of the experiences will always be with you. Not everyone is capable of those experiences. In a way I'm jealous. Only through your poetically beautiful story can I get the slightest hint of what a moment of your life is like. It is a great honor to try to give you a moment of mine.

Through my whole childhood I was tormented by thoughts of sex from the first, very accidental, orgasm at nine years of age. It guided my bisexuality and a lot of behavior, that although benign to others, I am truly ashamed of. Without someone to play with I ended up with lots of toys and a few minor medical problems in the end. All the while my love affair with computers deepened and the derivative logic was a constant clash. How could I be so burdened with such illogical desires. I must purge myself of these thoughts.

Finally, in time, the thoughts began to subside and became echos of an era I wished to forget, a past I desperately needed to get away from. Today I can embrace the emotion. During the years of confusion my logical being always pushed the emotions first. A path without emotional ties tends to end quickly.

I must admit that I don't trust people, and will never be able to find another partner beyond my wife. I'll continue to live in my computerized world, insulated from what lies beyond. The experiences I sought in fantasy in some way realized by your words and the words of others (and captured in pictures, webcams, etc ;) ).

I can tell you that you're hot, but I can't try to seduce you or be your lover in anything more than words. This is the only place where I can touch others without the weight of all those days gone by. It sounds dishonest but I relay the only truths I know.

Unlike you, I've spent a lifetime steeling myself for when I am alone not really considering that, inside, that is why I'm alone. You aren't alone here and you never will be unless you truly want it. I know I'm telling you things you already know; that between the lines of years gone by you're just as beautiful a person now as in the beginning. I hope you believe it too.

I'm embarrassed now, for interleaving my problems and distracting from yours. I hope your post has exchanged pursuit with pursuers. PM me sometime, I love chatting with fascinating and intelligent people. Now if only I were fascinating and intelligent...

[pcornish1]

Hi Sheela - Don't be despondent remember as we say in England you're only as old as the person you're feeling.

We are the same age you and I and I feel more free than I've ever felt in my life. I live alone but have a few friends and recently was shocked to find that a woman (nay girl) of 30 liked me.....a lot. At the same time a friend who is also bi decided he liked me.....a lot. I am actually hving more fun than I have ever had in my life so please don't despair.

I love life, I love women, I love men, I love sex and have decided that as I get it older it all gets better.

Nil desperandum XX

[yellowdotdog]

Hey all you need is love, and/or money,...love is abundant, well money thats another thing, but if one has it,....well love is,... what love is:)

TR:)

[yellowdotdog]

Trying t break into anything can be awkward:)

[yellowdotdog]

Not as accepting as you all let on are you!

[yellowdotdog]

For someone too just say ,...Hi would be nice:)

[grxclaus]

You sure bring up some interesting points. I think that turning 50 being considered old is not just a social thing, it's a professional thing as well. I've had many job interviews in the last few years and it's sure hard to see that age discrimination is illegal. I'm 50 myself and while there are certain things I can't do as well, there are things I can do better.

As far as you, Sheela. I don't know who told you are not hot any more but I beg to differ. I'm willing to be you are fantastic to be around and probably superb in bed. I'm a person that goes for brains before looks. In your case, you have both. :)

[jimjam]

well im 40 i just love curvy women and men:three:

[ironresolve]

I am 53 with a bad back and a strong libido and the beleif theres always a way.Age is nothing but a number do not let it get to you. And as far as not being hott ....you look like a right hansome woman to me. But then red hair always did light me up, like a fire cracker )

Keeo smilin:bigrin:

[Poison_Ivy]

Still Sexy After All These Years? Nope. Bi, Celibate and Old.

By Sheela Lambert

http://main.bisexual.com/forum/images/misc/miscstuff/author22.jpgBi, celibate and old. This is what my life has come to. When I first discovered the New York City bi community, back in 1991, I was quite popular. In fact, I was the belle of the ball. For ten years I had boyfriends, I had girlfriends…sometimes at the same time! There was the occasional threesome or foursome and constant invitations to sex parties and sex clubs that I always turned down (well almost always.) On one birthday, the entire guest-list of my bisexual birthday party gave me a group massage, which they offered (several times!) to turn into an orgy focused solely on me (I stuck with the massage.) A select bunch from my Bisexual Women’s Group went out together every week to dances and movies and beaches and I was always one of the gang. Groups of bi folk would actually gather in my apartment, even though I live in Washington Heights (commonly referred to as the nosebleed section of Manhattan).

When I was in my thirties and had lost my baby-fat but had not yet gained middle-age spread… I was hot. I was slender, curvy, and although not supermodel material, looked quite fabulous in a bikini—despite childbirth and a few stretch marks that could only be seen in bright light. My ex and I had joint custody of our son, so although I was a single mom half the week, I was single the other half. I never had to wait more than a few months between beaus or beauties, sometimes the start-up of one relationship occurred right on the heels of another’s demise. Even my diagnosis of Crohn’s disease didn’t put that much of a crimp in my social life at first because I already had a boyfriend, a girlfriend and lots of friends.

But the girlfriend decided she wasn’t comfortable with my double dating (now she’s the poster girl for polyamory) and the boyfriend wanted a healthy partner and children. Other bisexual relationships, though delightful in many ways, came and went.

But now, 13 years after my illness was diagnosed, it’s been two years since I’ve been in a relationship. And I’m not sure the last two even count. They were two recycled boyfriends, one bi and one incorrigibly straight, that I reactivated out of loneliness and the hope they would work out better the second time around. They didn’t. My theory was that two workaholics equal one decent boyfriend. But I just ended up being twice as frustrated when both of them cancelled dates, didn’t call when they should have or kept taking weeks off from the relationship because they “needed time alone.” Theoretically I was in two relationships. But in reality, I was spending weeks without a single date. I finally broke up with both, deciding that being alone would be about the same as dating those two, except without the cancellations. And then when they didn’t call me, at least I was expecting it.

About a year later, I had a few dates with a woman from one of my bi groups who proved even more slippery than the guys I broke up with. (In my experience, when it comes to dating, women are just as screwed up as the guys.) She had flirted with me years ago but when we went to see her sing in a Village jazz club, a light turned on. She had chocolate skin, long hair and a beautiful smile. She could spontaneously make up a new verse for an old standard and get everyone going. She got me going for sure. We had a couple dates but between her day job, gigging and rehearsing with her band, it was hard to get penciled in. I convinced her to squeeze in a date midweek. Although she invited me in, on my way out the door, she cancelled our date for the following Sunday. After she had her way with me. Apparently I had used up my quota of her time for the week. And this was a vacation week when she wasn’t teaching and had said she’d have more time. I got fed up and stopped calling. And since I had done all the pursuing…that was that.

Nine months later I turned 50 and freaked. I hadn’t had a date in 9 months. I hadn’t had a relationship in a year and a half. I had been faithfully attending my bi group twice a month, was showing up to a new one that popped up as well as an LGBT brunch group in my neighborhood (which turned out to be a bunch of gay guys, one lesbian and me.) I hadn’t met anyone. Just to prove to myself that I could still get a date, I put some personal ads on craigslist but left off my age. Of course since I’m bi, I had to post separate ads for men and women. And I had to be careful to write completely different wording so I wouldn’t be flagged as a repeat ad space hogger. And I had to omit any mention that I am bi.

In the men’s ad, I didn’t post that I am bi, because that attracts guys who assume I can’t wait to meet them at the nearest sex club. In the women’s ad, I didn’t post that I am bi because I would be instantly stereotyped and rejected as a bi-curious chick seeking a girl-on-girl one night stand. The only responses I could expect would be come-ons from women who are (very graphically), seeking the same.

To my bi-free ad I had many replies and three actual dates: two straight guys and a transgender woman (I answered her ad.) They went the way of most blind dates: in the crapper. I recently posted personal ads again and posted my age this time. The silence was deafening.

Apparently 20’s and 30’s are sexy. Even 40 isn’t over the hill these days. But 50 is the kiss of death. Of course, in person, people say I look much younger. But that still assumes that at 50 you have attained hagdom.

I’m experiencing the invisibility that goes with aging. Although it’s a relief to be catcall-free when I’m walking down the street, the lack of attention in my personal life is not as enjoyable. At 34, my social calendar was full. Either I have become eccentric and cranky in my old age or people just don’t think of 50 year old women as appealing. I’ve had some offers for casual sex, but one thing I’ve learned about myself over the years is that I’m into relationships and casual sex doesn’t do a thing for me.

Even the one time I got dragged to a sex party way back when (I was out of town at a bi conference and as everyone knows, conference sex doesn’t count) I fell in love. I called the girl I hooked up with at the party the next day and invited her to visit me in New York. I could tell over the phone that she thought I was a lunatic. She was taking the “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” approach and I was still thinking about the tender way she wrapped my scarf around my neck before I walked out the door.


I recently launched a new bi women’s group called Bi Women of All Colors, with Donna Redd, a friend from the good old days of the original Bisexual Women’s Group in NYC. Donna has a husband and a girlfriend—she is the bomb. I was hoping that this would be an opportunity for me to make new friends and possibly find a girlfriend too. At one of our recent dinners, two beautiful and interesting women showed up, each one special in her own way. I considered both, daydreaming about what it would be like to fall in love with each one. I was feeling quite hopeful. At the end of dinner they went off with each other.

What happened? I used to be that girl. The one that people wanted to go off with. But my role has changed. I am now seen as a mother-figure who provides opportunities for others. I am no longer hot.

I am also no longer child-bearing. I have already had hot flashes, night sweats and erratic periods. Even if I could get pregnant, when you have a child who is old enough to have his own; it’s time to close down the factory. I enjoyed motherhood but was never prepared to repeat an experience that almost killed me the first time. Luckily, modern medicine intervened and, unlike mothers who gave birth before the advent of antibiotics, I survived. And was able to enjoy raising my child.

I used to turn to family for love and attention when romance was in short supply. But the loved ones who made me feel special, my mom, my dad and my aunt have all died. My son regards me as a parent to rebel against, not a person to get to know. And my brother is a bit overwhelmed trying to substitute for the three people who have disappeared. Although he tries to be supportive, he is so tired of the bi topic, I can see his eyes roll up in his head even over the phone.

Right now, my main relationship is with my new vibrator which I was forced to purchase when my other one fried. It literally short circuited while in use, making scary noises accompanied by the acrid smell of burnt rubber—and a case of orgasm interuptus. “Electrocution by vibrator” might have gotten me into the Book of World Records, but I’m glad it didn’t.

Of course, having a chronic illness has caused me to be much less socially active. When you don’t have energy to go out, you have less opportunities to meet people. I don’t go to bi groups as often as I used to, or explore other events at the LGBT Center either. I don’t go to the theater, dance performances, restaurants or concerts—disabled people tend to be poor. I don’t go to free outdoor concerts either, as they require arriving an hour early to get an uncomfortable seat or a patch of grass (I need a backrest and a padded chair to sit for more than a few minutes) and if there are bathrooms, they are far from the seating area and have long lines; which I can’t stand on. I feel older than I look, a result of the constant fatigue from having a chronic illness. After 13 years, I only have a vague memory of what I used to be like pre-Crohn’s. People who can go to a job five days a week, play sports on the weekend or have a trim figure, all things I can no longer do, seem like they have superpowers to me.

My only superpower left is my activist work. Over 16 years, I have learned by doing. And because of the internet, it is something I can now do at home in my nightgown. I can rest between proposals and emails. And can turn my computer back on if I’m having insomnia at 3AM. Or 4 or 5 or 6. For some people, it would be a superpower to be able to speak out about their bisexuality. Either they have too much to lose or they’re having too much fun. At this point, I have nothing to lose and I’d rather spend my time racking up accomplishments for the bi and LGBT community than wasting my time on a relationship that doesn’t work, even a bi one. I would be willing to cut back a bit for true love, however. My psychic bisexual ex-boyfriend says it’s not in the cards. But I’m ready to throw the cards away.

***

Sheela Lambert is a veteran bi and LGBT writer, presenter and activist living in New York City with her son and her dust collection. She is the founder of the Bi Writers Association, organizer of the Bisexual Speakers Bureau in the NYC area, founder of the Bi Mental Health Professionals Association, Bi Teachers Association, Co-Founder of the Coalition of Unity and Inclusion and lead organizer of Bialogue. She was the lead activist who, together with transgender activist Pauline Park, spearheaded the successful inclusion campaigns convincing The Center, Heritage of Pride’s Annual Pride March, Pride Rally, and Pride Festival and The Film Festival in New York City to change their names from “Lesbian and Gay” to “Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender” and spearheaded the successful campaign to add a bisexual award category to the Lammys book awards. She is the host of Out Professionals’ LGBT Filmmaker Series and editor of the forthcoming anthology Best Bi Short Stories. She produced and hosted the first weekly bi TV series on the planet, Bisexual Network, on NYC public access cable in 1993 and was a correspondent on the GLBT public access cable show Out in the 90’s 1992-93. She produced a Safer Sex Workshop Series for Bi Women and Lesbians March 92-Dec 95, the only one of its kind during that time period. She has been an active member of Heritage of Pride, Queer Nation, Educational Coalition on Lesbian and Gay Youth (ECoLaGY) and the Manhattan Borough President's LGBTQ and Two Spirit Advisory Board. She has a B.S. in Psychology and has worked as an HIV Counselor, in homelessness prevention and managed health food stores. In her youth she lived in a Yoga monastery for five years at the Integral Yoga Institute, coincidentally, across the street from the LGBT Community Center on 13th Street.

(c) Copryight 2007 Sheela Lambert

So Really i see nothing wrong with you your still pretty! and to be 100% honest i have always had a thinng for people older than me ! ;)

[Poison_Ivy]

You sure bring up some interesting points. I think that turning 50 being considered old is not just a social thing, it's a professional thing as well. I've had many job interviews in the last few years and it's sure hard to see that age discrimination is illegal. I'm 50 myself and while there are certain things I can't do as well, there are things I can do better.

As far as you, Sheela. I don't know who told you are not hot any more but I beg to differ. I'm willing to be you are fantastic to be around and probably superb in bed. I'm a person that goes for brains before looks. In your case, you have both. :)

So i agree with this statement 100% sheela im going to be bluntly honest if the chance for me to get with you i deffinetlly wouldent pass it up!:cool:

[runwildtonight]

Sheela,
as someone who is both bisexual and living with Crohn's disease I understand you on these levels. Its hard feeling sexy when one's body changes suddenly away from our previous selves. Thank you for posting your article. I worry about single-hood and loneliness in the future; being bi/sick augments these concerns. I'm 28 these days but usually feel decades older. I have found two things with Crohn's that help though- they are doing yoga (I started when I was still being fed through a tube in my arm and couldn't walk 5 steps alone) and using medical marijuana (which allowed me to do the yoga on top of weaving me off morphine, removing nausea etc). I know the laws in NY are much harsher than CA where I am, but I think the risk would still be worth it for me if I lived in NY, so think about it, do your own online research and decide for your self. May your health be great, your spirit happy, and your love life on fire.:flag3:

[sensualriot]

Sheela,
I have to share this beautiful story with you. A friend of mine, now nearly 70, lived a wild ride, a wildly successful chorus boy he worked high profile gigs in Europe and America, until a car accident stopped his career. He had a successful partnership, but his partner died. He went through a ten year slump, but he just continued to live his life, exploring his passions. He now is a successful NY actor, has a steady committed boyfriend of four years, and LOVES his life and himself completely. HOTNESS lives inside you, it's not all about the perfect bod or the right age. Put yourself out there, live your life, discover your own hotness and share it. Your lovers exists and is desperate to meet you.
Best to you.

[Bilicious1950]

Great article. I am a new member here and I am a 59 year old Bisexual female and my primary relationship is with a 70 year old straight man. We have a fabulous sex life. He is definitely a young 70 have known men in their 40's that couldn't hold a candle to him. Having said that I am also a widow and in the last years of my husband's life he had Erectile dysfunction but we still had a satisfying sex life. There are many ways of satisfying sexual feelings. My current partner and I are actively seeking bisexual females for threesomes but know we will be invisible to many because of our age. We prefer mature people, not looking for young hotties even if they would want us, LOL. I would say we are sufficiently motivated to just keep it out there and be proactive and evetually we will have some great connections. Lonliness is one of the crappy things for older people in our society but will not give up on having emotional intimacy with others.

[azirish]

If you have a "fabulous" sex life why are you looking for someone else? There is a serious contradiction right there. Bi female/Straight male couples are as rare as a sunny day in the desert.


Great article. I am a new member here and I am a 59 year old Bisexual female and my primary relationship is with a 70 year old straight man. We have a fabulous sex life. He is definitely a young 70 have known men in their 40's that couldn't hold a candle to him. Having said that I am also a widow and in the last years of my husband's life he had Erectile dysfunction but we still had a satisfying sex life. There are many ways of satisfying sexual feelings. My current partner and I are actively seeking bisexual females for threesomes but know we will be invisible to many because of our age. We prefer mature people, not looking for young hotties even if they would want us, LOL. I would say we are sufficiently motivated to just keep it out there and be proactive and evetually we will have some great connections. Lonliness is one of the crappy things for older people in our society but will not give up on having emotional intimacy with others.

[Bilicious1950]

Actually it has been my understanding from my research and from my personal experience that most women are naturally bisexual. My guy and I don't want to be limited by the rigid mores of society but want to be able to fully express who we are. We feel that while we have enough for each other that a threesome with another bisexual female can be a lovely experience for all 3 participants :)

[Dead Account]

Wonderful writing filled with lifes observations. All of our lives are filled with these chapters. When one closes, another opens to a whole different direction. I really think that things go easier if we just go along to wherever the chapter takes us and not kick & scream quite so much- but, alas, Ive yet to figure out why my book turned out the way it has so far, but hell, I aint finished yet. Theres plenty of time for another twist or two.;)

[azirish]

Yes, most people like milk and eggs etc. Naturally, most people are "naturally" non violent how do explain murders rapists etc? You're a no-brainer "society" generic. Simple mindless "monkey see-monkey do" types, with the media obsession of "pseudo" lesbianism. You should be old enough to tell the difference. Sadly even retirement age "folks" can't see this.


Actually it has been my understanding from my research and from my personal experience that most women are naturally bisexual. My guy and I don't want to be limited by the rigid mores of society but want to be able to fully express who we are. We feel that while we have enough for each other that a threesome with another bisexual female can be a lovely experience for all 3 participants :)

[JackaRoe]

Ladies Ladies Ladies PLEEEEEEASE listen to me. You get better with age. Don't be swayed by all the media distortions about what's attractive or not. Youth is the celebration of inexperience, freshness and perhaps some ignorance (including bedroom activities). Embrace yourself, your lines and your curves and your minds and stand tall. You get more beautiful with age, there's no substitute for mature confidence, it's in your swagger of your hips, the fullness of your breasts and the comfort of knowing you're past all the bullshit. If the media ignores you - you ignore it! And damn all the men / women in your lives who aren't making you feel as sexy as you are. No bullshit ladies, just the facts from where I'm sitting. Please consider.

[George 7]

Beautiful words to highlight a harsh reality. However, I have to say that youth, beauty, race and socio-economic status are attributes by which North Americans determine someone's worth as sexually desirable or something else. Move away from anglo culture to other people and places where age is attached to positive concepts like wisdom as opposed to ugliness. North America is not a nice place to get old.

[swmnkdinthervr]

My wife and I are "no longer hot" either, both having reached and passed that magical half century milestone at what seemed like 90 MPH in our relativity based view of time!

However...we feel you are selling yourself short!!! We all have maladies of varying degrees, some more difficult to deal with either physically or emotionally than others. So...there's the negative, where's the positive?

What we have that younger people don't is an appreciation for the more sensual than energetic, an ability to savor life based on experience. Intellectually we are for the most part settled and comfortable, we have learned to contemplate rather than run here and there for answers...looking within for wisdom often hard earned. Beauty is so much more than that hard body we once possessed, measured more by who rather than what we are. A deeper sense of self, less need to be accepted by others, confidence in our knowledge and a sense of humor refined over many years. These truly are the golden years!!!

Participation is what brings those we need in our lives close to us...we will find them when it is time, at our age we can come to understand that.

[unicorn_factory]

That`s when you become that tight-bodied cougar with no make up, heels, nail-polish, or dresses...that college boys love. Hit the gym, hard.

[Mickie]

Hot means different things at different ages. Personally, I see a lot of pitful looking skinny legged twenty year olds that are only hot because they are breathing. And nobody can tell me Sean Connery is not hot. That man will be hot when they close the coffin on his head.

[BorderCpl]

And yet? In all that? There has been a movement where "daddies" or "bears" are revered and the Cougar/MILF has their own section in the adult video store. I have found that I turn people down because they are too young, as opposed to because I'm too old (48 with 50 creeping around the corner). I've also heard it said that 60 is the new 40 and I can attest that I look/dress better than my grandmother did at this age. :)

[nrthchrlt2]

A young bull and an old bull were standing on top of a hillock, viewing the cows munching on the grass in the lea below.

The young bull cried out, 'Let's run down and get some of those cows down there!"

The old bull turned to him and stated,"Let's walk down there and get them all."

That joke has so many morals that I will let the reader work them out.

Richarddennis has it right. Just be yourself. Accept that you are not young, that like the old bull, you do have the ability to "get them all."

[sailorashore]

I've very few regrets in my life, but one that I have to admit to is that I let parents, family, society, etc. persuade me that heterosexuality is normal and that I shouldn't be sexually attracted to other males. I bought into that shit for half my adult life, and when I broke the taboo, I expected lightning to strike me. I do wish I had come to my senses sooner. By the time I began to appreciate the charms of young men, I was already too old to attract any. But as far as "Hot" goes, to the tanned and toned set I am virtually invisible. Young people seem to look right past me without noticing that I am there. Sad, because there is so much of life's wonder that I could share with them.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

lol I am not longer Hot, but there's snow in the Sable, but a fire in the furnace again, and thats al lthat matters..:}
Grinning naughtily..Cat

[OlderBC1]

Good article. Ne'r a truer word hath been spoken of the duality of middle-age. I'm 58 & all the buddies I've had sexual experiences with have moved out of state. The girl I fell head over heals for in junior high all the way through high school died at 50 of a cancerous brain tumor that hemorrhaged, just like pop. Never got to fuck her, let alone even a hug. I miss my buddies & wish we could take up where we left off. But at 58, it ain't happenin'. Not to mention, after writing a magazine article about road racing in the mid-90's, I started writing dystopian sci-fi stories I'm publishing on amazon kindle. They say 50 is the new 40, or some such shit. I can't tell you how many paragraphs I had to take out of my first book that were too hot for general audiences. Because these days, that's all I get. Everything still works as well as always. But as folks get older, they want younger lovers. It's a fact of the human condition in regards to the mental aspects of life in this plane of existence. So I can honestly say I understand your position. In the immortal words of Duke Nukem in Duke Nukem Forever...Hell, I'd still hit it!

[OlderBC1]

Not to mention that I love cock & pussy & want to try fucking my wife in the ass while i'm getting fucked in the ass. Even she said that'd be hot! I want her to really licking & suckin her sister's pussy ,as she said stuff about sucking wife's tits & messaging them, etc. she wanted to jack off her lil sister, my wife too. but she's in denyle. What to do? I wanna suck & fuck them both. Her sister is starting to realize she's getting older & better act...?,...Her patch of pussy fir is so damn cute that she showed me once.

[foundpuppy]

All this talk about being old at 50-60. Anyone know any 70+ year old bi guys? I don’t either, wish I did.

[Fzmr9t]

All this talk about being old at 50-60. Anyone know any 70+ year old bi guys? I don’t either, wish I did.

Yep met one a few months ago

[foundpuppy]

Good for you......I hope you made each other happy.........

[Fzmr9t]

I’ve been married “like forever” as the kids would say, and I never really considered myself as “hot”. Not that I was hideous or obsessively over weight. I was just more of the nice comfortable friend type, so I can’t really relate with most of her article. The part that I can relate to is the fact that, now being 60, parts don’t function as they once did. There are some medical options, but since insurance would look at those as elective and uninsurable, the out of pocket costs put them beyond my reach.

Since my mrs has issues that cause her to not want to engage sexually, I’ve decided to either self-service, or look to to my BI side to quench that thirst. Most of the posts I see on the net are for young (20s to 30s) and/ or tops. Neither of which I am. Most of the fellas I see online who are my age are also bottoms (which could be because at our age, the flag only flies at 1/2 mast)

i think that i ‘could’ get more “dates”, but my work schedule, my sense of security/discretion, and my geographic location make it difficult I know that there is someone out there who is looking for a 60ish, semi sarcastic bottom guy who can be very very passionate, I just need to keep looking. 👀

[Fzmr9t]

Good for you......I hope you made each other happy.........
It was a one and done situation. He was way to tentative for me, and I didn’t have the patience to drag him along

[RolaDwewase]

Personally I think cutting the cheese is a reason for living longer....Sorry. Couldnt help myself... good read MG

[luv2suckuLA]

Growing old is tough but a fact of life, enjoy every day to the fullest for tomorrow is promised to nobody.

[luv2suckuLA]

I'll add this to this discussion. I'm 55 but I am fortunate enough to look about ten years younger. It's genetics and a healthy lifestyle. I work at it. For a long time I thought men older than me were a turn off but I've been seeing men well into their late 70's recently who have taken care of themselves and have amazing cocks and stamina, and what's more they have wisdom and experience going for them. So I've been really rethinking the age thing.... I used to think "wow over 50 or 60 and the sex life is over...." but this is not always the case. People can enjoy all kinds of healthy sexual activity well into their 80's. Genetics, a healthy lifestyle and luck all can come together to make magic happen well into our golden years.