Polyamory and the masculine man

[roxllf]

Hey all,
I am rather new to the Bi world. Laurel is very bi and loves girls. I am partially bi, being i don’t mind contact or oral while everybody in the room is playing. I am not attracted to other men one on one. Rather I find the group sex really gets me going and I lose a lot of inhibitions.

I am very masculine, and I love Laurel deeply with all my heart. We have been swingers for several years. I am masculine and love women fiercely. They are the most amazing creatures.

The questions I pose to the open Bi community here are these.

I am very willing to receive oral and touching as well as touching in return. Is it unfair that I do not wish to give oral or anal?

Secondly I would love for Laurel and I to accept another couple or single bi girl into our life as lovers, polyamoriously. Neither I nor Laurel desire to have a single man in our life, only women or a couple. Now I don’t know if the right guy came along that that wouldn’t happen....but our initial reaction is that we don’t want it. Is that unfair?

Thank you in advance for your wisdom.

Rob and Laurel

[kittylovers]

I don't think it's unfair. As long as it is what both of you want!

[JohnnyV]

Hey all,
I am rather new to the Bi world. Laurel is very bi and loves girls. I am partially bi, being i don’t mind contact or oral while everybody in the room is playing. I am not attracted to other men one on one. Rather I find the group sex really gets me going and I lose a lot of inhibitions.

I am very masculine, and I love Laurel deeply with all my heart. We have been swingers for several years. I am masculine and love women fiercely. They are the most amazing creatures.

The questions I pose to the open Bi community here are these.

I am very willing to receive oral and touching as well as touching in return. Is it unfair that I do not wish to give oral or anal?

Secondly I would love for Laurel and I to accept another couple or single bi girl into our life as lovers, polyamoriously. Neither I nor Laurel desire to have a single man in our life, only women or a couple. Now I don’t know if the right guy came along that that wouldn’t happen....but our initial reaction is that we don’t want it. Is that unfair?

Thank you in advance for your wisdom.

Rob and Laurel

I don't think it's unfair on its own. I would just worry that you might end up making a male partner in your polyamory feel inferior or devalued because he's always giving you head and you're the "masculine" one who doesn't do anything "too gay". I'm not saying that you think this way -- in fact, I am sure you aren't homophobic at all -- but I am just imagining how the other guy will feel during your play parties. I would just be aware of that pitfall and try to avoid doing things that make another guy feel like the "bitch" in the foursome... or fivesome, or however big it gets.

J

[Toad82]

I would just be aware of that pitfall and try to avoid doing things that make another guy feel like the "bitch" in the foursome... or fivesome, or however big it gets.

J


Not all guys dislike feeling like a bitch.

[travelrat69]

Why are you seeking approval for being who you are? It sounds like you both have a good thing going and know what you want and what you don't. As long as you're up front and honest, then it's not unfair at all. If you're not really into men, then don't have sex with them. There's nothing wrong with your not wanting to have sex with men.

Good luck and have fun!

[ohbimale]

No you are not being unfair. I am curious though why are asking. In asking it seems as if you are seeking the approval of the bisexual community. As a bisexual man I prefer a man who recipricates, however there have been a few men in my past that I clicked with and they would not give me head, however we were both comfortable with me giving them head. At no time did I feel my masculinity was threatened by this. In fact it was a big turnon to give them head.

It sounds like you and your girl are specific in your current needs. Just be careful that if you bring a couple into the poly relationship that the other guy understands your feelings and is ok with it. :bipride: :male:

[Lorcan]

No it's not unfair. It's just you. And you can't change who you are. Just be sure to spell out the rules to the guy you intend to be with BEFORE you are with him. If he doesn't like the rules, he can walk...and you may loose some people that way... but at least it doesn't turn into a bad scene in the bedroom.

[spartca]

Just want to point out that there are plenty of "masculine" identified men who bottom with other men. Just sayin'.

I feel Lorcan has an excellent suggestion there to be up front about what you're looking for, if only to avoid misunderstandings once the clothes come off!

So instead of using the word "masculine," you might want to describe the behaviors you are and are not interested in. Just to avoid confusion.

[roxllf]

Thanks all

I'm not really looking for approval. I am new to all this and want to make sure I understand the general thinking of other people. It is an attempt to learn from others not get approval.

As far as the masculine statement I didnt know what term to use lol. I just dont have alot of experience with "twinks" or gay men for that matter so I was unsure how to describe myself.

I always make sure everybody knows whats up before the festivities begin :). I had a couple of guys who told me that it was bullcrap that I didnt recriprocate and thats really what spurred this post.

Rob

[Johnny Reb]

Can't change who you are, just let people know you expectations up front and find people who are compatible with you sexual interests (ie receive anal, give head etc...)

[TaylorMade]

I'm in agreement that as long as you state up front what you will and will not do, it should be gravy.

I've often thought about doing a written contract, but that would take all the romance out of it. :p

*Taylor*

[gary111]

I love guys who enjoy getting head and not giving it. Sexual tastes very immensely, no pun intended. The enjoyment and the reward that I get from giving very loving head is how the man expresses his pleasure in receiving it, however that is. For example, though him sucking me in return doesn't really turn me on, his verbally discussing the nuances of the way i am sucking him, or his just plain old fashioned moaning is a huge turn on. (I love a woman who can really enjoy getting eaten in the same way).

So sit back, enjoy the head and relax. There are a huge number of guys who would treasure you. Gary

[spartca]

Thanks all

No problem :)


I'm not really looking for approval. I am new to all this and want to make sure I understand the general thinking of other people. It is an attempt to learn from others not get approval.

I like your attitude :)


As far as the masculine statement I didnt know what term to use lol. I just dont have alot of experience with "twinks" or gay men for that matter so I was unsure how to describe myself.

You're a "top." You don't "bottom." These are the words often used in my area amongst MSM populations to talk about the more penetrative roles and the more being penetrated roles. If you do both, you're "versatile."

This does get confusing of course because "top" and "bottom" are also used in the BDSM/leather culture, except if you do both you're a "switch," not versatile. The term versatile seems to be unique to gay culture.

Where the gay and BSDM cultures intersect, then you have to be on your toes when you're using these words. I use the term "vanilla" to indicate that I'm not into BDSM at all. This works with BDSM people, but in mainstream culture really doesn't describe me, because I am bisexual do have a few fetishes, most notably group sex. Although I am picky.

So the long and short of it, so to speak ;), is that the words often change depending on the "scene" or community you're speaking in. That's why at some point a lot of folks just get down to naming the behaviors they like to participate in.


I always make sure everybody knows whats up before the festivities begin :). I had a couple of guys who told me that it was bullcrap that I didnt recriprocate and thats really what spurred this post.

Yeah so personally in the gay lingo I'm more of a "top" and occasionally "versatile" with the right guy. So while I get along with other tops, using these terms clearly has prevented me from ending up in bed with them, cursing our stupidity because neither of us wants to bottom ROFL. Although a lot of gay tops can be orally versatile. I am, but again it really depends on the situation. Sounds like you might not be interested in anal sex at all, just in getting blow jobs, so if this is the case you might want to call yourself an "oral top," that might work.

You're in luck though, because in the casual sex side of gay culture, of which there is a lot I might add, the world does often seem unduly polarized into "tops" and "bottoms." Too much for my taste even. But for you, it's great because people will know what you mean when you bill yourself as a "top."

As for me, I'd love it if I could find a nice versatile bottom bi boy and settle down into a nice secondary relationship. I'd even settle for a long-term fuckbuddy or FWB type thing. But because so much of online gay culture is about this hideously polarized casual sex nomenclature, nice versatile bi boys can be hard to find :(

And as far as the term "twink" goes, it usually is more of a description of body style and age:

"The label of Twink is used in gay slang to describe an attractive young or young-looking gay male (usually 18-22) with a slender build, a slight muscular physique, and little or no body hair."
-Wikipedia Twink Definition (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twink_(gay_slang))

In a practical sense when you see the term used in online porn, twinks are objectified and usually in a bottom role. But even in this limited sense, often the porn will be of two twinks, one topping and one bottoming.

When bitchy gay men use the term with each other, usually it means they're jealous of the young man's age and beauty lol, and so it often is as much of a negative projection as it is a desire to have sex with him, a narcissistic projection.

True, "twinks" are not "bears," who display secondary masculine sex characteristics in abundance (I'm not sure when fat became a masculine secondary characteristic though ROFL). Twinks therefore often do get typecast as pretty boys or femme. But often in person you'll find that the reverse is true due to overcompensating for these societal projections.

Anyways, hope that helps a bit with some of the terms in gay men's culture. Feel free to hit me up if you have any other questions. But really all you need to do is spend a week on gay.com chat and you'll learn all this in a jiffy lol.