Am I Bisexual or Gay

[njbiguy07]

I'm 29 years old, and have never been with a woman before. All of my sexual experiences so far have been oral sex with men. I'm a late bloomer when it comes to sex, and have only been sexually active for a few years now.

Now I like checking out women,viewing straight porn, but usually I'm still thinking about performing oral sex on men.

I consider myself to be an open-minded person, and always considered myself to be bisexual. However, lately I'm really starting to wonder if I might be gay.

What do you think?

[Herbwoman39]

Give women a shot and see if you really *do* like us of the fairer sex or not :) It can't hurt.

As for being a late bloomer, believe me, I understand completely. I'm 40 and I'm still a bi virgin.

[cliffml]

I too like have wondered for a long time whether I was bi or gay. I'm a 40 yr old male and until 3 years ago only had sex with women. Even thou I enjoyed sex with women it wasn't til i had my first sexual experience with a man. After that I realized that I am most likely gay. If I had to choose I would choose men over women everytime. You should try it with women to see. You may find out you love having sex with women and also sucking cock, and there's nothing wrong with that. As for labeling yourself, don't. Just enjoy whoever your with.

[njbiguy07]

Thanks for the advice. Now, if I only had a female friend who wouldn't mind helping me out. :bigrin:

It is easy for me to make friends with men online, but difficult to meet women. I don't really want a relationship right now, because I'm still trying to figure out if I'm bi or not.

I'm sure one day I'll figure it all out, but right now it's confusing.

[DiamondDog]

only you can tell that for sure.

You could be in between bi and gay like I am.

There's not a label for that so I use queer and bisexual as labels. Or I'll call myself Bi/gay since that would describe me.

I've identified as gay politically and to people who don't get bisexuality, or my sexuality at all even, but I don't have a problem with this since I know what I really am.

I go through periods where I'm either equal (I start craving male/male/female 3 ways).

Or I'm so into men that I get turned off by women and find the idea of sex with a woman to be downright boring and the idea of it disgusts me and doesn't turn me on.

If I got hard and fucked a woman's vagina during this time period, I'd probably just go limp and this is assuming that I'd even get hard at all. While I'm not even that into fucking women's vaginas when I do have sex with them as I'm more into giving SM/bondage, oral sex and masturbating and I'd fist a woman. I don't even try to seek out sex or relationships all the time with women at all really. Also during the periods when I'm totally turned off by women like this I've had them throw themselves at me asking for sex and all I want is sex/intimacy with a man.

During this period I don't want sex with women at all, and I find the idea of sex with women, or seeing them naked to be disgusting and women are not a turn on. It's not that I "hate" women as people accuse gay and bi men of misogyny or being against women; but that's what it's like.

Sometimes this period of time where I'm not into women at all lasts as long as half a year or more and sometimes it's only 3-4 months and then I go back to being equal like I described above.

While I'm probably more into men for sex/relationships I could easily have sex and a relationship with a woman even if there would be a period of time where I wouldn't want sex with her at all, or if we did happen to have sex and I could actually get it up and maintain an erection I'd have to probably think about men constantly in order to get hard/cum. Also I'd need sex/relationships with men too as I'd feel trapped/depressed if I were with only a woman.

Bisexual also describes me since while I go through periods where I'm simply NOT into women sexually at all it doesn't last forever like it does for homosexual men.

If by chance my attractions to women did somehow go away forever (I don't see this happening); but if it did, it wouldn't be a problem.

I have had experiences with bondage/restraint/surrender, and with oral sex and other types of man/man sex, that I am not sure if I'd say that they are spiritual but they were like dreaming or tripping but I was wide awake and sober and I can't say that I've ever had things like that happen when I've had sex with women.

While I did enjoy the limited sex I've had with women (it was masturbatory sex, making out, giving dominant oral sex, and performing erotic SM) it's not as powerful and I simply don't really understand a woman's body as well as a man's and it's not like I have a vagina/clit or know what it's like to have a clit orgasm vs a g-spot orgasm, or even have these sex organs. I'd like to have sex with a woman in a male/male/female 3 way and even though I am not into fucking cunt or reciving oral sex from women (seriously the idea of having receptive oral sex with a woman blowing me grosses me out, as does the idea of a woman doing ANY type of anal sex like rimming, a finger, or a toy) I'd gladly use fingers/toys/my mouth on a woman or fist her.

Don't sweat it. You are what you are, and at least you're not closeted and calling yourself "straight".

[Herbwoman39]

If you're looking for a quickie test run kind of thing, try putting an ad on your local Craigslist and see what happens. Just please, for your own safety, put the helmet on the soldier ;)

[lubaloy]

> What do you think?

I think you'd be very smart to go into therapy for this issue instead of asking the question on this forum.

No slight intended, either; I've been in therapy for years (for a variety of reasons). And yes, it has helped. A lot.

Regarding this forum, it's great, but hardly unbiased (as a professional should, and most likely would be).

Other than that, I hope your thread isn't hijacked anymore than it has been already, and I hope you find the answers you need.

Good luck!

[Snowblind1]

If you think a professional would be unbiased, I have a nice bridge to sell you.

Unless there are clinical issues he's facing beside this, I think therapy would probably be a negative thing. The most likely thing they would do is label him with a personality disorder (because switching sexual preferences is one of the criteria they use when determining that diagnosis), shove him into some lame group therapy and never, ever get to the root of the original question.

Yes, we are biased; but we're also experienced and we've all struggled with this question in one form or another.

njbiguy, no one can give the answer to you other than you. And when it comes to sex, there's an entire scale. The important thing, as DiamondDog already pointed out, is that you face it head-on and not hide from it.

[the mage]

The question would be more easily and quickly solved (and more cheaply) if the man went to a female pro who would delve into his bodys reaction to stimuli as opposed to a mental pro who try to unravel his entire life first, still leaving the man a virgin.

However, if you've only ever played with men, stop fooling yourself, call it what it is.
If personality issues keep .you from approaching women, yet you desire them, you need to address that.

[lubaloy]

Obviously, the hijack is now well underway (and pretty much unstoppable).

Snowblind's ironically *blind* post is proof positive.

The only other thing I have to say is that it amazes me how biased the membership of this site tends to be.

[biwords]

Obviously, the hijack is now well underway (and pretty much unstoppable).

I'm not sure why you think that the thread has been hijacked.

[Snowblind1]

The only "hijacking" going on is the irrelevant accusations of bias -coming from someone who is entering the thread with a heavy and rather obvious bias of their own.

There's only so much we can recommend that njbiguy07 do to figure out whether he's gay or bi; and I don't see a single post (up to post number 10) in this thread which has failed to address that question.

Hence, no "threadjack" (except one attempted by the person making the accusation: "he who smelt it, dealt it" as it were :rolleyes: )

[elian]

Hehehe...I've seen those craigslist ads so I know what you are talking about.

The typical ad reads something like "I'm renting a hotel room for an hour after work so we can fuck away from my wife, please bring lots of lube and condoms - don't forget to bring your wallet stuffed flush with cash and leave it on the table afterward so I can take your credit cards and steal you identity"

As you can see I'm waay too paranoid to try it. It's a shame that people - especially queer folk have to slink around .. makes for some situations that can put you in the path of harm that a straight person would never have to deal with.

And for the record - I'm in the same boat - trying to figure out what I can live with. If I can really be happy with a woman or not.. If she's more dom. type probably - but I don't want to get married and all that stuff just to put everybody through hell later when I can't make up my mind.

So rather than do that I've remained solitary - as much as that sucks sometimes. But I'm starting to realize that there's more to life than B/W - M/F .. so hopefully one day I can just ignore the labels - like I tell everyone else to do.

-E


If you're looking for a quickie test run kind of thing, try putting an ad on your local Craigslist and see what happens. Just please, for your own safety, put the helmet on the soldier ;)

[Skater Boy]

A good therapist CAN help, but if you INSIST on seeing one, I would recommend one that specifically specializes in sexuality issues (ie. a Sexual Therapist). I've never seen one personally, but I did see a regular psychotherapist a few times... she tried her best to help me, but I just don't think she could relate to what I was going through well enough to solve the problem.

Tbh, though, I wouldn't bother wasting a small fortune (and it IS a small fortune) on regular therapy sessions. Experimentation will most likely tell you what you need to know. If you pay a therapist $50-100 per hour and ask him "Am I gay?" HE won't know the answer. He'll just keep asking YOU questions until he thinks he's found something in your mind that points one way or the other.

The answer to the question is really quite simple:

If you are aroused by people of the same sex, you are homosexual. If you are aroused by people of the opposite sex, then you are heterosexual. and if you are aroused by BOTH sexes, you are bisexual.

Its up to you to get to know yourself better and decide what really turns you on.

HTH :2cents:

[Diana_TS]

Well I have to put my two cents in also. I had that same question for a long time, am I Bi or Gay. I have been happily married for 42 years to a straight woman, so guess I must be Bi, because I love to be with a man also.

All I can say is that if you are Gay, you would know it, I think, but sounds to me like women still are of interest to you, you are just shy around them and not shy around men. Sounds to me like that is normal.

You don't need any professional help I don't think, other then maybe a pro (prostitute) if you are that shy around women. You'll know afterwards if you are Bi or Gay.

One thing that throws me is that I always thought Gay men usually felt comfortable around women, in a friendly type relationship (Platonic). Guess I have been watching too much TV.

I also agree that you are asking the right people, most of us have gone through the same thing.

Many years ago my wife and I went to a marriage counselor........he was divorced........go figure!

Anyway, just enjoy life, and don't worry about the gay/bi thing. :2cents:

[DiamondDog]

The question would be more easily and quickly solved (and more cheaply) if the man went to a female pro who would delve into his bodys reaction to stimuli as opposed to a mental pro who try to unravel his entire life first, still leaving the man a virgin.

However, if you've only ever played with men, stop fooling yourself, call it what it is.
If personality issues keep .you from approaching women, yet you desire them, you need to address that.

Why do you always tell people that they should see prostitutes in your posts?

Did you once work in the sex industry or as a prostitute?

No this isn't an "arrogant" question since this is the 2nd time you've told someone to do this.

Anyway I know that people (especially scientologists) shit on therapy or medications or anything of that nature but those things are helpful to people, and they do change people for the better and save lives.

Also, not all people who are psychologists/psychiatrists/conselors are against queer sexuality and while some are heterosexual they do keep an open mind and don't put someone into a category of having a personality disorder because they don't have a sexuality that's not heterosexual or 100% vanilla sex. There ARE queer therapists/counselors/shrinks and heterosexual therapists/counselors/shrinks who while they're heterosexual they don't try to tell others how to be or what to do for their sexuality.

It's like someone else said in their post on this topic.

If you're hetero you're only sexually/romantically attracted to the opposite gender, if you're homosexual you're only sexually/romantically attracted to the same gender, and if you're bisexual you're sexually attracted to both genders and that doesn't have to include romantic attraction (although it does for myself and many other bisexuals).

You seem to be psychoanalyzing this stuff WAY too much. Honestly, most people don't do this for their sexuality and it's rather clear cut like myself and other people posted above.

[dafydd]

The answer to the question is really quite simple:

If you are aroused by people of the same sex, you are homosexual. If you are aroused by people of the opposite sex, then you are heterosexual. and if you are aroused by BOTH sexes, you are bisexual.

Its up to you to get to know yourself better and decide what really turns you on.

HTH :2cents:

Whilst i pretty much agree with what most of Skater Boy says i don't think sexuality is as simplistic as this. I am turned on by women, but not because they are women, but more because they are not men...and therefore might want a man...or need someone to fill that space....

It's far too complex. I'd ask the question....who do you see yourself falling in love with. I could never fall in love with a woman, although i could be intimate with her.

d

[dafydd]

Unless there are clinical issues he's facing beside this, I think therapy would probably be a negative thing. The most likely thing they would do is label him with a personality disorder (because switching sexual preferences is one of the criteria they use when determining that diagnosis), shove him into some lame group therapy and never, ever get to the root of the original question.


Rubbish. Therapy with the right therapist can only be a good thing. But don't sweat it just do you're own thing and fuck who you want to fuck.
I actually like the fact that i don't know what my 'sexuality' is. 'Bi' is such a load of nonsense, as is 'gay' as is 'straight'... Just don't let anyone abuse you for who you love.

d :cool:

[Skater Boy]

It's far too complex. I'd ask the question....who do you see yourself falling in love with. I could never fall in love with a woman, although i could be intimate with her.

d

D, but by your definition, doesn't that mean that a man who is PHYSICALLY attracted to MEN, but who seeks to (or coincidentally does) fall in love with a WOMAN is HETEROsexual?! I mean, I've watched "Will & Grace" too... but both characters freely admit their sexualities are different to their romantic interests. Correct me if you think I'm wrong though... its a complex issue...

[Azrael]

If you think a professional would be unbiased, I have a nice bridge to sell you.

Unless there are clinical issues he's facing beside this, I think therapy would probably be a negative thing. The most likely thing they would do is label him with a personality disorder (because switching sexual preferences is one of the criteria they use when determining that diagnosis), shove him into some lame group therapy and never, ever get to the root of the original question.

Yes, we are biased; but we're also experienced and we've all struggled with this question in one form or another.

njbiguy, no one can give the answer to you other than you. And when it comes to sex, there's an entire scale. The important thing, as DiamondDog already pointed out, is that you face it head-on and not hide from it.

I beg to differ. I'm openly Bisexual and polyamarous with my Psychotherapy team, being past and present Psychiatrists and a Psychologist. They all accept it as part of who I am. I've had wonderful experiences with both DBT (dialectcal behavior therapy) and more individualized psychotherapy. My Psychologist has a knack for doing what I call "stepping out of his own brain" to gain a truly unbiased perspective of what is being presented or picked apart and analyzed. I have been disgnosed as Type one Bipolar disorder with comorbid Asperger's Syndrome. I have never been pegged with a personality disorder. Reparative therapy and shit like that is not endorsed by any mainstream medical or psychiatric body. There's still a lot of ground to cover, but Psychiatry has come very far with this particular issue. Also, if one doctor tries to pidgeon-hole you with some kind of laughable diagnoses, see another doctor. They aren't all the same by any stretch. There are some wonderful, insightful people out there helping freaks like me find their balance. I'm fortunate enough after years of being judged by mental health 'professionals' to be in the care of an amazing pair of doctors.
Don't give up.

[dafydd]

D, but by your definition, doesn't that mean that a man who is PHYSICALLY attracted to MEN, but who seeks to (or coincidentally does) fall in love with a WOMAN is HETEROsexual?! I mean, I've watched "Will & Grace" too... but both characters freely admit their sexualities are different to their romantic interests. Correct me if you think I'm wrong though... its a complex issue...


Hmm SB not sure, I can only speak for myself and know that whilst I want to settle down and have a family one day with a man, I know I just don't *feel* gay.

I think you can define your sexuality by how your heart feels, and that is the trouble with the word "sexuality" because it foregrounds the sex part. Unfortunately there aren't many options "bisexuality", "homosexuality","sexual orientation", "sexual identity" etc all include the sex word. This is why people in education hate dealing with the subject of homosexuality because they are blinded by the sex part and feel uncomfortable mentioning sex and children in the same sentence.
We need a new word, to describe desire. Any ideas SB?

d :bipride:

[Skater Boy]

Hmm SB not sure, I can only speak for myself and know that whilst I want to settle down and have a family one day with a man, I know I just don't *feel* gay.

I think you can define your sexuality by how your heart feels, and that is the trouble with the word "sexuality" because it foregrounds the sex part. Unfortunately there aren't many options "bisexuality", "homosexuality","sexual orientation", "sexual identity" etc all include the sex word. This is why people in education hate dealing with the subject of homosexuality because they are blinded by the sex part and feel uncomfortable mentioning sex and children in the same sentence.
We need a new word, to describe desire. Any ideas SB?

d :bipride:

I hear what you're saying, Dafydd. And I do know that sexuality and desire are not always the same thing. I think if I went by your method above, I would be pretty much "straight" because my HEART desires mainly women, even though my actual SEXUALITY is bang in the middle of the Kinsley scale.

I guess you could replace "sexuality" with:

Romantic interest
love
amour (although thats pretty similar to love)
attraction

I think its probably wise to divide "desire" up into two parts:

PHYSICAL desire

and:

EMOTIONAL/MENTAL desire

IMO, its it doesn't matter so much what your physical sexuality is... under the right circumstances, anyone can probably fall in love with anyone on a mental/emotional level. After all, many heterosexual people have what "could" be considered "crushes" on people that they never intend to actually sleep with.

Hey, on a lighter note... I think some of the more extreme Elvis Presley fanatics are really "in love" with him on some level, and guess what: they'll NEVER get to have sex with him. At least not in THIS world.

I think I have a good book on "Seduction" somewhere...

[njbiguy07]

I wanted to thank everyone for your responses. I think I'm going to stay away from labeling myself right now.

It's still all very confusing. As far as sex goes, I'm pretty much 99.9% gay.
This is because being with a man is all I know.

I don't really feel emotional towards men. I don't see myself getting romantic with a guy. It's pretty much just a sexual attraction. I don't think about being with a woman in a sexual way much. Let's put it this way, even when viewing straight porn, I'm still thinking about being with the guy.

If that makes me gay, and not bisexual, then so be it. :)