I know I'm bi, but...

[naughty'BI'chick]

I know I'm bi, I have tried to commit, but I'm having a hard time.
I love my bf & gf, but can I stick to one person?
I know I love my bf, but can I stick w/ him & not date?
Can bisexuals commit or fall in love at all?
If so, how many actually do?

[open4bizness]

This doesn't really help you, but I have a bit of a 'problem' (not really a problem, just a confusion) with people calling themselves "bixesuals" or "a bisexual." I mean...heterosexual people don't call themselves "straights" or "a straight."

Why do "you" (general sense) do that? Since when is sexual orientation a noun?

[naughty'BI'chick]

actually heterosexual do call themselves Straights
I guess some (plus me) call themselves Bisexual bcuz they want to or were taught to say Bisexual instead of homosexual

[open4bizness]

I have NEVER heard a straight person refer to them self as 'a straight.'

"So are you bi?"
"No I'm straight."

Adjective. You're a person, not an orientation.

[Lorcan]

Can bisexuals commit or fall in love at all?


uhhh, yes. But not everyones the same. What's true for me may not be true for you.

Committing is just a decision.

[naughty'BI'chick]

I have

[Skater Boy]

Y'know, I'm not entirely sure that monogamy is mankind's natural inclination. Perhaps its just a social norm that Western society has imposed on itself. If you really don't want to commit, then DON'T. Its as simple as that. HOWEVER, you may find that polygamous relationships are harder to find, and that raises other issues. If, on the other hand, you WANT to commit, but find yourself UNABLE to for some reason, then its best to find out what that reason is, and then decide if you should follow it or oppose it. I suspect following it would be easier than opposing it, but thats not to say that its necessarily "the right decision".

Oh, and btw... "being Bi" has nothing to do with IMO. If a straight guy likes both blondes and brunettes, does he say to a blonde "sorry I can't commit because I like girls with brown hair too"???

Or hey, maybe he does... :bigrin:

Good luck! :)

[open4bizness]

If a straight guy likes both blondes and brunettes, does he say to a blonde "sorry I can't commit because I like girls with brown hair too"???

Or hey, maybe he does... :bigrin:

Good luck! :)
Easy solution:

Date a natural blonde, who dyes her hair brown. Best of both worlds! ;)

[Long Duck Dong]

hugs ya naughty, its possible to commit but is it in a persons nature to commint

some people are just not able to settle and commit, its not part of who they are, but they can find peace in a relationship at times.....

[ghytifrdnr]

Y'know, I'm not entirely sure that monogamy is mankind's natural inclination. Perhaps its just a social norm that Western society has imposed on itself. If you really don't want to commit, then DON'T. Its as simple as that. HOWEVER, you may find that polygamous relationships are harder to find, and that raises other issues. If, on the other hand, you WANT to commit, but find yourself UNABLE to for some reason, then its best to find out what that reason is, and then decide if you should follow it or oppose it. I suspect following it would be easier than opposing it, but thats not to say that its necessarily "the right decision".

:2cents: I think Skater Boy has it right. Monogamy is just the current fad. :2cents:

[ghytifrdnr]

And now that I give it a second thought, why is it that when we say commitment, it is automatically assumed that it will be an EXCLUSIVE commitment? Couldn't we just as easily have a non-exclusive commitment?
:three: :grouphug:

[kitten]

Many good points presented!

I have been married for 26 years and truly love my hubby. We were monogamous for about 11 years and then we(he) decided to try an open commitment. Our first try was a disaster. We had too many preconcieved notions - many programmed in from society and then the ones about striving for individual wants and needs at the expense of the partnership.

Many years later, and a lot of maturity, we have a trust and love that will always be. And we have an open commitment with an understanding that new-found friends and relationships will only enhance our existing commmitment to one another.

Trust your own feelings...

[deeTM]

You are who you are. Just be honest with yourself and your partners. I'm married and had no problems being monogamous. My wife however, encouraged me to follow my desires. Good luck to you.

[Sarasvati]

I like Kitten's solution.

People may find me morally reprehensible. I am in the process of splitting myself into two sides, the right and the left.

On the right side:
I have a beautiful gf of 5 years who is wonderful. I adore her and want to be devoted to her. Our relationship is difficult owing to her family's muslim faith which means we have to be secretive as well as it being difficult to move the relationship forward. However, I intend to remain devoted to her.

But I feel I want to let out my full sexual nature via the left side:
My gf can not know anything of this as it would hurt her. But should I not allow my full nature to be expressed forever. I regard my sexuality as part of a creative side to my character which if shut down damages ordinary functioning.

I feel ashamed and guilty of going behind my gfs back purely in the pursuit of pleasure. She deserves the best from me. I have no defence and accept the guilt.

This predicament however is not unique to me and many people, who adore their partners, still have a need to step outside that relationship at times.

Again I think Kitten has achieved a good solution. Many of us can not do that.

[Skater Boy]

Sarasvati, I would be careful about cheating on your beloved girlfriend just to express your homosexual feelings. Please think carefully about the implications of your actions, and some of the potential consequences before you do this. It is my most humble opinion that TRUST is one of the foundation-stones of any relationship, and if you betray her trust, I fear the worst.

If need be, there is always pornography. Not quite the same, I know. But since your g/f is already aware of your sexuality, it might be a more palatable alternative for her.

Ofcourse, ideally she would consent to your actual expression of these feelings, but she may not be capable of doing that just yet, and IMO forcing her either by infidelity or aggressive persuasion is wrong.

:2cents:

[the mage]

Silly question..can Bi's fall in.love...of course.
You think there's some kind of animal drive in a Bi that super cedes all else to fuck all and sundry?

All but the sickest of minds love.

Love is not sex!!!
Sex is not love!!

I Love my Lady to the bottom of my souls and would die for her.
One reason is her understanding of the above...

[Skater Boy]

All but the sickest of minds love.

Love is not sex!!!
Sex is not love!!



Interesting. Please go on. I would love to hear a clear definition of what "love" actually is, and how it differs from "sexual attraction". Is one a precursor/precondition to the other, for example?

[the mage]

Sure,,,

My ex wife....
I love her to this day as a dear and respected member of my family and my life. We had an excellent 20 years together but then the sex died for reasons that are ours.

She does still love me the same way.

We could never have sex again but I'd cry like a wimp if something happened to her.......
----------------------------------------------

love is a rational expression of devotion and life experience together.

Sex is a hard on, cause often unknown....

[Skater Boy]

love is a rational expression of devotion and life experience together.

Sex is a hard on, cause often unknown....

So... that said, is the presence sexual attraction essential for Love to occur, or totally un-essential? Because sexual attraction is defined as a totally seperate thing judging by what you've written above. And therefore I need not have any sexual feelings toward someone I fall in Love with. Correct?

The Love you feel for your ex-wife would seem a different kind of Love than that you might feel with a current intimate partner. For example, one might "Love" ones parents. But is that the same kind of Love that one might feel for an intimate partner?

But then again, I'm assuming your relationship with your ex-wife was, at one stage, very intimate. So perhaps once this intimacy has been shared, its effect is permanent. However, there are many people who loathe their ex-spouses, so that would suggest that either they weren't truly in love in the first place, or that the effects of the intimacy are not always permanent.

I discussed this issue with someone else recently, and we figured that there are various types of love. Or rather that love is composed of various elements, and the combination of these elements varies in Love's differing forms.

But anyway, thanks for sharing your thoughts... its an issue that interests me... I hope to find a good book on the subject one day!

[kitten]

Thanks, Sarasvati.

My solution is a mutual agreement with my hubby and -again - he intiated the desire to open our relationship - not me. And he is straighter than a 2x4, with other kinks in his knot. :)
Arriving at this solution was not without pain, patience, understanding and a lot of dialog between the two of us. If he had cheated and hidden from me what he wanted and desired, we would not be where we are today by any means.

I agree with Skaterboy. Be careful.

My personal definitions:
of love - a desire to be with someone and the desire to put their hopes, dreams, satisfaction and needs before your own whenever possible and knowing that such commitment will enrich your own life.

Sex - physical pleasure shared between partners for a variety of reasons: Love, stress relief, desire and excitement, closeness...to name a few but always with a trusting/trusted and consenting partner.

just my :2cents: .

[Skater Boy]

My personal definitions:
of love - a desire to be with someone and the desire to put their hopes, dreams, satisfaction and needs before your own whenever possible and knowing that such commitment will enrich your own life.

Sex - physical pleasure shared between partners for a variety of reasons: Love, stress relief, desire and excitement, closeness...to name a few but always with a trusting/trusted and consenting partner.

just my :2cents: .

Excellent, thanks! :)

[Sarasvati]

Thank you to Skater Boy and Kitten for your words.

I need to make some clarifications.

Firstly I certainly never "force" my gf or anybody else into anything, and would never do so. Anybody who involves themselves with me does so freely and is always master or mistress of their own volition.

Secondly, my gf does not know anything at all of my left side, my extrarelational sexual interests (which might be hetero/bi/homo).

My gf is a person of sweetness and innocence, I am a person of surrealism and experience.

I recognise my moral reprehensibility in my behaviour - (almost like pissing on the Mona Lisa).

Yet am I truly alone in my double dealing.

And despite what I have said I still believe my love for my gf is real, genuine and pure.

Anyone who wishes to offer me views either for or against is welcome.

[Skater Boy]

my gf does not know anything at all of my left side, my extrarelational sexual interests (which might be hetero/bi/homo).

My gf is a person of sweetness and innocence, I am a person of surrealism and experience.

I recognise my moral reprehensibility in my behaviour - (almost like pissing on the Mona Lisa).

Yet am I truly alone in my double dealing.



Firstly, you are certainly not alone in your double-dealing.

Secondly, its up to you whether you tell her the truth, although the saying goes: "honesty is always the best policy". Not strictly true, but honesty is OFTEN the best policy. And if your girlfriend doesn't know about such an integral part of you, then how can she love you for who you really are? if it was some floozy or one-night-stand, fair enough. But if she's really the female embodiment of a work of art, and the love of your life, then yes... you are pissing on her, imo.

Thirdly, you seem well aware of what you're doing, so I won't give you the moral guilt trip. Obviously you know her better than I do, so you're probably a good judge of the situation, and what action needs to be taken.

I wish you good luck... I've got my fingers crossed for you. :)

[kitten]

With the original question being can bisexual's fall in love, I think we all agree that the anwer is yes and with great depth and passion.

I wish everyone the best experiences as we all search for complete passion and pleasure!

hugs,

[Annika L]

I have been partnered for over 20 years with a wonderful woman. We both consider ourselves bisexual, but have been exclusive since we've been together. It is challenging for us, though, especially as time goes on.

We may eventually decide to do as kitten suggests...or we may never get there...I can't predict this.

The point is, SHE (not my desires) is my priority (and she would say the same of me). Whatever solution or non-solution we arrive at...we'll arrive there together, with a LOT of communication and a LOT of love.

I've talked with a lot of people agonizing over how to reconcile their bisexuality with their existing partnership, and I tend to recommend strongly figuring out how much of a priority your current partner is. If they mean the world to you, don't risk losing or hurting them by taking risks with someone else behind their back. Talk to them (frequently, by the time you're thinking about this you have little to lose). And be prepared to work together, to compromise, and *to maintain one anothers' trust*. That's what being in love and having a partnership is all about!

(need I state the obvious that all of this is my opinion?)

[canuckotter]

Can bisexuals love? Obviously.

Can bisexuals form a commitment? Obviously.

Can bisexuals form an exclusive commitment? ... depends on the person. :) I've known bisexuals who need someone of either gender (not necessarily at the same time), I've known bisexuals who simply can't form exclusive commitments no matter what, and I've known bisexuals who agree to exclusive commitments without a second thought. It's all about the specific individuals involved.

[CountryLover]

Otter is exactly right.

I am very happily married to a wonderful bi man. By his choice we are exclusive. I'm not hardwired monogamous, but he is. I CHOOSE to give him that gift, with no resentment or regrets. We're still both very bi....and very strong in our committment to each other.

It's a choice, a decision you make when you meet the person who means the world to you, and you keep the lines of communication open and flowing.

[gwri42]

IMO, whether or not someone should commit to a monogamous relationship depends entirely on their personality and that of their partner(s) rather than on their orientation.