Should we bring in a 3rd person???

[lilhonee]

Hello All,
I am a newbie here and have some concerns that maybe some of you can help me with....Breif history I have been with a few women in the past. Had mostly great experiences and the last one was not so good....3some gone terribly wrong. Pretty much the man whom I cared about didn't respect the other woman's or my limitations. Yes, that ended my relationship with him. I will never be with anyone who does not have respect for me or others. Now 10 yrs later, I'm in a wonderful marriage,and we have a great sex life. My husband knows about my past. For the last few years I've found myself fantasizing about women. I told my husband and he bought me some movies...sweet isn't he...lol. Well, that took the edge off for a bit...I recently told him that I might like to actually be with another woman. I asked him what he thought abt bringing in someone. He said that would be fine but he would like to be a full participant. Honestly, it would be a bit strange to watch him make love to another woman...But, I would be too...so it is fair. He also said that if it would upset me that I could do it w/o him. I would not want to do that, to me if he's not involved it's cheating. Any suggestions....

[kitten]

Welcome to the site!

I think your profile says it all. You would like to have a girlfriend and you have discussed the basics with your husband. He is in agreement and wants to participate. You want to meet and get to know someone and take it from there.
As far as your feeling strange about him making love to another woman, that is understandable and you are right - you will be, too, and you want to share with him.
It takes time to find a third you both trust and that trusts you. So, take that time to find her. In the meantime, talk about the fantasies that you both have concerning a third. What do you both want to give and gain from adding another partner. Will you meet her needs as well?
Communication is the key and it seems that you have a good relationship with hubby and have that dialogue openly.

I am married and have a very supportive, (straight) hubby. He bought me some movies, too. It was very sweet of him and he was smart enough to know what he would gain from getting me all hot and bothered! :)
We have had relationships with thirds, one male and one female and at one time another couple. All were rewarding in their unique way. At this time in our lives there is a great focus on family. Once the teenagers are gone...we will pursue our interests again!

best wishes to you-

[Dagni]

Welcome to the site, and i think you just have to try that and you will see what will happen. Thinking about it and making fantasies without real reaction doesn't bring you anything good. Just do it, get some conclusions after that, is it worth to have another female in bed and you will see.

[lilhonee]

Thank you Kitten!!! You are right...we also need to consider her needs as well. My husband asked me if i just wanted to pick up someone...No. I don't want just some random person. I want friendship, chemistry, and a little extra spice.

Thank you also Dagni/Fying Finn ;) Experience is the best teacher!!!!

[the mage]

If it is your wish to play with a woman alone and your hubby has said he's ok with it in principle then in practice he must step up.

You need to know if you like and want her before introducing the complication of fulfilling his fantasies.

If he wants it only in his presence it is not being done for you.

[someotherguy]

I suggest having a 4th on hand just in case things get out of balance.

[Sarasvati]

...or even a 5th or 6th

[s_shunpike]

What you are suggesting is called Polyamory. My wife and I are polyamorous and are currently involved with another couple and it is working great. I understand and actually applaud that you are looking for more than just sex on the side. Many people want that but are just not willing to nor accept that this is a possibility. It takes a strong marriage and outside relationship to make it all happen. There are the usual ups and downs of dating and the like - but it can all be worth it. Rather than experiencing troubles or issues, my wife and I are finding that being with another couple has brought us closer. We are recognizing those things again that helped us fall in love with the other. Communication is key and ours is better than ever.

I would like to suggest that you and your husband go to a couple of sites to check this all out - see if it is something that makes sense and you are both willing and wanting to do.


http://polyamorysociety.org/

And if you have children -

http://www.polyfamilies.com/

Hope this helps and that you find the balance you seek!

BTW - You will find terms like Primary, Secondary and the like. My wife and I have found we don't like those terms. While base in their description they seem to lessen the secondary relationships. We have come up with our own terms. Sacred and Beneficial, or The Rock and The Roll :D

Shun!

[DiamondDog]

What you are suggesting is called Polyamory. My wife and I are polyamorous and are currently involved with another couple and it is working great. I understand and actually applaud that you are looking for more than just sex on the side. Many people want that but are just not willing to nor accept that this is a possibility. It takes a strong marriage and outside relationship to make it all happen. There are the usual ups and downs of dating and the like - but it can all be worth it. Rather than experiencing troubles or issues, my wife and I are finding that being with another couple has brought us closer. We are recognizing those things again that helped us fall in love with the other. Communication is key and ours is better than ever.

I would like to suggest that you and your husband go to a couple of sites to check this all out - see if it is something that makes sense and you are both willing and wanting to do.


http://polyamorysociety.org/

And if you have children -

http://www.polyfamilies.com/

Hope this helps and that you find the balance you seek!

BTW - You will find terms like Primary, Secondary and the like. My wife and I have found we don't like those terms. While base in their description they seem to lessen the secondary relationships. We have come up with our own terms. Sacred and Beneficial, or The Rock and The Roll :D

Shun!
I also find "polyamory" (which is just another word for an open relationship as the two are one in the same) and the whole philosopy behind it to be rather trite, superficial, way too rule oriented while being too disorganized/not defined, and I don't like the cult mentality of it the philosophy since it's just another word for an open relationship and not revolutionary at all.

All types of people of all genders/orientations have been having open relationships since the start of humanity, and an open relationship with multiple partners isn't necessarily better than a closed/exclusive relationship with just one partner. Many people start out open and then close their relationship or some keep it open but place limitations on their partner like no sex with other people at all unless we're both there, or you can't fall in love with the other men/women you have sex with.

Also some people simply aren't hard wired for open relationships or they don't want an open relationship at all, some don't want any type of relationship at all, some want to be celibate, and some people are asexual and there's nothing wrong with any of this at all.

Of course now that the white, educated, middle-class hets have found polyamory AKA open relationships, they're acceptable and universal! ;-)

Original poster: Only YOU and your husband can decide what's right for the two of you!

If you want to try an open relationship do so with caution as some people can say that it hurts their marriage/relationship with their spouse and some people DO get jealous being away from their partner or not being there when their partner is with other people.

Ignore heterophobic comments like "If he wants it only in his presence it is not being done for you" as like I wrote before people set up rules for their open relationships and many people (including others on this site) only have sex with other people when both partners are present.