conformity

[naive]

i'm preparing myself for some heavy flaming but if i don't put this out there, then i'll never know. what i say here may be completely "politically incorrect" but i'm not directing it at any particular individual so hopefully everyone gets equally offended :)

being very new to the bisexual world, i have very poor abilities at determining whether an individual is gay/bisexual. i know that everybody is different, but i was just wondering if freeing oneself from the constructs of a predominantly heterosexual world leads to changes in one's personality or appearance because they don't feel they don't need to conform to any particular standard. i'm only asking this because i want to quash the stereotype that i have where i think that "alternative" sexuality leads to an "alternative" outlook on life.

for me, i'm still very much into pop culture: the tv, music, movies, clothes. some people will no doubt consider me shallow, but that's who i am.

[coyotedude]

Let me get straight (ha ha) to the point:

Are you really asking us whether you accepting or acknowledging your own potential bisexuality will lead you to become a flaming queen limp-wrist faggot who fucks every guy who hangs out at the gay bar down the street? (Or some other similarly silly stereotype, for that matter.)

The answer is "not necessarily"! I'm not, for example. (Although it might be fun....)

Of course, there's nothing wrong with being a flaming queen limp-wrist faggot, despite my tongue-in-cheek description. (I've met some cool people who would be considered "flaming queens".) But there's not necessarily anything wrong with being a so-called "normal" pop culture dude, either.

It's all about discovering who you are, then finding the courage to live it.

Peace

[coyotedude]

Okay, I forgot to add something to the previous post.

I was being a bit tongue-in-cheek, yes. But seriously, I don't blame you for asking these questions. Discovering your own bisexuality can be a painful and sometimes scary process. You're suddenly finding that you don't know yourself as well as you thought you did. And that many of your assumptions about the world and your place in it may be wrong.

It's not an easy road. I've been there, as have many in our little online community. I've shared this before, but will do so again: when I was younger, I had sex with other guys but never considered myself gay or bi - after all, I liked women, right? It wasn't till I actually had a crush on a gay guy that I had to face my own bisexuality. (I'm talking romantic feelings here - wanting to hold his hand and give him flowers and mushy notes.) The sudden realization that "hey, I'm not really straight" rocked my little world to the core. And it took years for me to really pull most of the pieces together.

Now I am a moderately successful individual, married to a wonderful woman with two awesome children, with my own home and two cars and a nice job and all that stuff. I have been truly blessed in my life. Yet one of my few regrets is that I never actually let that guy know that I had a crush on him. Who knows what might have happened? I'll never know now.

Peace

[naive]

i'm quite happy with the way i am at the moment. i do wonder if coming out will change the person that i am but i also don't think that i am the kind of person that would become a flaming queen either. rather than the raging 'mo or masculine dyke stereotype, the cliché of the emo with long dyed hair, who has endless philosophical/political questions and may believe in things like "shadow people" is something that i (mistakenly) have associated with bisexuality.

i'm not that scared of the type of person i'll become because i think that i have always been pretty sure of myself and firm in my opinions of what i believe/like. the thing that does my head in is my impression of other people. i didn't use the term in my last post but my "gaydar" is close to non-existent and i wouldn't have a clue about picking a bi out of a crowd. and so if i had to go by my stereotype, i wouldn't be able to find anyone because i'm not attracted to that particular type.

[DiamondDog]

Some people like myself do naturally fall into some stereotypes.

I've had a BIG facial/body hair fetish that came out of nowhere and I can remember even as a kid being attracted to guys who are my type, or who later grew up to be my type.

Even when I was in 7th grade and wasn't really sure of myself with a sexual label but I knew that I liked men and women, and that most other people didn't, everyone else could tell that I was really emotionally into my best male friend at the time and they all thought that we were gay.

I used to smoke cigarettes and cigars and I get emails from men who have a pipe/cigar smoking fetish wishing that I still did smoke since they would love to watch me smoke tobacco.

I get told that I look like a leather boy and that I should do gay porn/SM videos as a Top; but that's just how I naturally am and I don't do anything on purpose and I don't plan on being a male prostitute, doing porn, or anything like that.

Yes sometimes I do dress up in leather/butch drag but it's a costume, it's drag. It would be the same if I wore make up on my face and nail polish.

Some people like myself do fall into stereotypes or archetypes and there's nothing wrong with this.

Some guys are naturally feminine and there's nothing wrong with this.

Queeny behaviour only gets on my nerves when it's fake (it's VERY easy to tell when it's fake), when the person is only acting this way as a bullshit artist trying to get something out of you or hoping that you'll do something for them, and when the person "reads" someone (reading is the art of finding someone's weakness and using it to break them down and boost your own low self esteem up) and turns into a back stabbing bitch and gossips about their so called "friends" behind their backs! I also don't like the stereotypical men who try too hard to be a queen that are just obnoxious, drama spreading/causing people, and who you know are hyperdramatic and it's all a fake act. I see some of it as being phony self-conscious behavior.

Of course, do you know what a queen's best secret is?












Fisting!

OK, OK, that was a joke told to me by my best friend and it is funny!

Before you all think I'm dissing or hating guys that are queens/have a feminine side, I'm not.

I do like men who are natually feminine and some of my best friends that are gay/bi are this way. Even I have some feminine traits to me but there are not that many, and they are overshadowed by my masculine traits. I just do not like the men who are feminine who are totally fake and vapid and you can tell it's all a fake act and not real feminity.

Newsflash: Wearing leather, smoking cigars, driving a truck or bike, calling somebody else "boy," shaving your head, never smiling, dogged insistance that you're strictly a top for all sexual acts, or saying you despise drag queens does NOT make you a man!

Being queer is a small part of who I am yet many people do read me as being bi/gay, even heterosexuals.

I too can read people and tell what they are but it has to do a lot with reading body language, apperance, and it's not something that can really be taught and not everyone can do it.

I can easily tell my own type, sometimes without even talking to them or saying anything sexual, and I can tell if someone is bi even if they say that they're "straight" (I avoid these types) or "gay".

Don't worry about not finding your "type" there are all types of gay/bi/queer people and even if you're a die hard anime fan that loves games like Halo 3 and the Sims and makes Stephen Hawking look like a minor geek you will find someone!

[naive]

it's certainly refreshing to read that someone openly admits to falling within a stereotype.

[oralplus]

Dear Naive..... dont take all this nonsens to heavy. We all gone to a lot of soul searching.....Yes i had the same problem as many on this site. I am not impress about the comments of previous wrightings to you ...let it happend... is normal.. i am a lot older and i have experienced the same problem. Just take as it comes.....you will find your way, to a most enjoyable bi sexual life. Take your time ...message me any time that you like. Not many people around will understand ...so keep it to yourself untill you find the people than know about it . Be safe ...keep in touch ....i am not too far to have a chat by phone or email....Good luck on your future ;)

[rmorti]

most people will fall to a stereotype because they want to/dont mind if they do (what I believe) its very rarely peer pressure if they have the will to stand up for there beliefs. Im new to the Bi world, I was happily straight etc so I see myself as a mans "man" lol. Like the good old sports, watching crappy horror films, comedys, male humour etc Used to be a "Greebo" but then went to the indie fashion but still love rock/metal.
When I go to a gay bar/club ill be happy to be just like I am, I will never conform to the stereotype that some gay/bi people adopt. If anyone ever tells me different Ill tell them to go shove it, take me as I am, I mean this may be because I feel the whole "stereotyped queer" thing is just completely fake but thats my belief. wow your gay, fair enough, I dont see what changes about yourself that makes you go "camp" etc, but again tahts just my belief and I just dont really see the point in falling into such a....predictable catagory. Anyway, you do what you want to do, be who you want to be and no matter what anyone else says.... The point is do what you feel is for you, never anything more or less, its your life so live and love it :)

[naive]

i think i assumed that people changed once they accepted a new sexuality because, for me, it feels like a big part of one's identity and when that part of u changes (or u acknowledge that change), it naturally affects the rest of u.

i guess i was just hoping that there are still gays/bis out there that stereotypically act "straight" without feeling the need to deny their sexuality. at the moment, i think that's what "my type" is.

[naive]

Don't worry about not finding your "type" there are all types of gay/bi/queer people and even if you're a die hard anime fan that loves games like Halo 3 and the Sims and makes Stephen Hawking look like a minor geek you will find someone!

intrigued by this because i certainly have been typecast as a geek in my time. u certainly are good at reading people DD! only exceptions would be the anime (friends into it, not me), halo 3 (only tried halo 1 on pc and never owned a console), sims (tried but lost interest) and stephen hawking parts (barely know what he is famous for).

so how would i stereotype myself? i think doing this will be a cleansing experience because i've always tended to avoid discussing the aspects that many people consider flaws. i'm definitely more geek than jock (probably more of a result of the people around me than anything). i'm not all that into sports but i do enjoy health and fitness. i'm on the comp way too much (lately more for this forum than anything). lol, maybe i should be putting this in my profile rather than here.

[kitten]

The biggest change I have made as I have slogged through the confusion, acceptance and living with it phase is that I am more confident and relaxed with myself and therefore with other people of all types.

Take your time to talk, explore and learn. Be safe. have FUN!

hugs,

[the mage]

Be wary of every thing "they" try to sell you.
Be good to yourself and others.
You'll find yourself in a comfort zone.
Live it.
Don't buy it.

[Skater Boy]

My advice would be to just BE YOURSELF. There's no need to go mincing around and wearing a tiara just because you might happen to be gay or bisexual. If you decide that you'd LIKE to do those things, then thats OK too. But the important thing is to be honest with yourself. I don't think there is such a thing as a "typical bisexual"... we are all different.

At the same time, be aware that a conscious denial of all things homosexual or bisexual within your lifestyle is probably not healthy either. IF you ARE actually homosexual or bisexual, that is.

[deeTM]

i think i assumed that people changed once they accepted a new sexuality because, for me, it feels like a big part of one's identity and when that part of u changes (or u acknowledge that change), it naturally affects the rest of u.

i guess i was just hoping that there are still gays/bis out there that stereotypically act "straight" without feeling the need to deny their sexuality. at the moment, i think that's what "my type" is.

Right there with you on this one. About the only thing that I've seen to change in myself is my willingness to hug guys in public. Other than that I think that I act fairly straight. Not that hugging men in public is necessarily queer, lol. It's just that before I came out to myself I wasn't willing to do that.:)

[anne27]

i think i assumed that people changed once they accepted a new sexuality because, for me, it feels like a big part of one's identity and when that part of u changes (or u acknowledge that change), it naturally affects the rest of u..

I have to say that once I totally accepted and was comfortable with my sexuality, I did care much less what other people thought of me, how I dressed and acted. I tend to dress now for comfort and for how it feels to me. I suppose I have gone just a little bit more towards 'butch', but that's not because I am trying to express my sexuality. It's just that I've matured and don't care anyone if someone has a lingering doubt about my sexual orientation.

[welickit]

We read your post and none of the replies. Reading other replies can taint your opinion sometimes.
We say:
Be true to yourself first.
:bipride:

[shameless agitator]

Well Naive, First off I hope you're learning not to underestimate our little family here. Did you really think we would flame you for a legitimate question? As for the behavior changes, as DD pointed out there are a lot of fake queens out there. I used to really get pissy about these guys, but now pity them. They're usually doing it because they think they have to. There are also a lot of men out therewho were always a bit effeminate, but never allowed themselves to express that aspect until they came out. Being queer doesn't mean you have to become a flaming queen. It simply takes away a lot of the stigma so you don't have to worry about hiding aspects of yourself.

[DiamondDog]

intrigued by this because i certainly have been typecast as a geek in my time. u certainly are good at reading people DD! only exceptions would be the anime (friends into it, not me), halo 3 (only tried halo 1 on pc and never owned a console), sims (tried but lost interest) and stephen hawking parts (barely know what he is famous for).

so how would i stereotype myself? i think doing this will be a cleansing experience because i've always tended to avoid discussing the aspects that many people consider flaws. i'm definitely more geek than jock (probably more of a result of the people around me than anything). i'm not all that into sports but i do enjoy health and fitness. i'm on the comp way too much (lately more for this forum than anything). lol, maybe i should be putting this in my profile rather than here.

Just be yourself.
That's all there is to it.

Nobody says you have to fall into stereotypes and some people do but most people don't.

[naive]

I have to say that once I totally accepted and was comfortable with my sexuality, I did care much less what other people thought of me, how I dressed and acted. I tend to dress now for comfort and for how it feels to me. I suppose I have gone just a little bit more towards 'butch', but that's not because I am trying to express my sexuality. It's just that I've matured and don't care anyone if someone has a lingering doubt about my sexual orientation.

thanks everyone for the advice. anne, ur post has been particularly helpful. maybe its because its a female's point of view. i was looking to see if its true that coming out can change something (even if its small) about someone because of the liberation from caring about other people's perceptions. i guess its not technically a "change", but rather a "non-conformity" (if that's a word). still being young (in a sense), i think that i will still be dressing "for" other people because i do want to be attractive to others (there goes my shallowness again). obviously this may change once i find someone special.

i hope i don't worry all the people out there that think i will hide my identity, i will still be true to myself! and thanks SA, i'm glad the whole family is so very understanding. i wasn't sure if it was really legitimate because i've always considered "dyke/queen" to be derogatory terms. skater certainly thinks that i underestimate issues quite a lot, this time he's right!

i think that i've had feminine tendencies, i'm not sure if i've hidden them. but in the same way that i don't want to appear like a total slob, even though i have slobbish tendencies, its not something i particularly want to wear on my sleeve because i don't find it especially attractive on me or a potential partner.