Relationship advice for a bi guy dating a straight girl?

[ezervet]

I know, I know, this is a really original problem. So sue me. :)

At any rate, about four months ago, I got into a pretty serious relationship with this girl, lets call her E. We fall head over heels for each other pretty quickly once we finally started dating. (There's a funny story there that involves us dating last year and then both of us thinking the other hated us while we still liked them.) Anyway, so pretty shortly into the relationship, I tell her that I am bi, which was pretty much out of the blue for her. She was pretty shocked and though she never didn't think that she would break up with me because of it, she nevertheless had a bit of a hard time dealing with it.

A large part of that comes from her upbringing, she was brought up in a fairly strict christian household, and taught to tolerate lgbt folks, but to ultimately think that they are wrong. She has been totally upfront about saying that her upbringing was wrong in this respect, which is what made a difference for me and made me want to work through this issue instead of just saying "take me as i am right now or screw you." :) Also, I love her, so I don't even know if i could do that if she dropped a love-the-sinner-hate-the-sin type deal on me.

Anyway, the real issue she has is dealing with the fact that I am bi, but I have never been in a relationship with a guy. (Though i have had a decent amount of sexual experiences with guys.) She doesn't see how I can really decide to be in a long-term relationship with a woman, as in marry her someday, without ever having tried being with a man. She is afraid that i'll wake up in five, ten, or twenty years and feel unfulfilled because i've never been with a guy. Even i didn't cheat on her, she wouldn't want me to feel that way and be unhappy with her. I've told her that for me, i don't think that there's such a big difference in whether I'm with a man or a woman, and that regardless of that, i'm not going to throw away something so great as what we have together just so i can go and try and find a boyfriend for no better reason than just to see what it is like. On the other hand i can't really dismiss her feelings as being wildly unreasonable, and she has improved in terms of worrying about it, which she used to do pretty much all the time.

So i was just wondering what thoughts any of you had on this, especially people who have been in similar situations from either my position or hers.

Thanks in advance guys!

[kitten]

Wow! she sounds pretty special and so do you!

Hmmm - where to start.
We all have desires and experiences that make our journey through our lives interesting, scary and wonderfully exciting or lovingly cozy. Sometimes all of those feelings happen all at the same time or a combination of the above!

Making a commitment says that I am willing to take you as you are and weather the changes we will go through as we experience life together. The variables and terms of your commitment are between the two of you with a level of trust and love that you are both willing to accept. Take your time and let her take the time she needs to come to terms with who you are and who she is - both willing to promise and trust in each other.
Enjoy the journey you have together at the present time as well as any future plans you may make.

People do change and grow. I have been married for 26 years and with my partner for a total of 28. We have weathered many storms and been challenged many times as a couple and as individuals with all kinds of circumstances. Money, sex, in-laws, moving, children.
Most times, we come out stronger - sometimes it isn't so great.

Keep the communication going and give each other time. Your relationship will grow and you will both be stronger becasue of it. If in time things change, you will still have had today.

hugs and best wishes,

[parkwings]

I comes down to you. She is straight, and would likely have no problem comitting to you.

Can you honestly say you can forgo men from this point on? That is the only question you have to ask yourself, in my opinion.

It's rare that women will let men have a man 'on the side' which is totally understandable.

good luck

[shameless agitator]

I hate to say it but Parkwings has a point here. Not to reinforce the stereotypes, but you need to really consider whether you can be happy repressing this aspect of yourself. If the answer is yes, then you just need to allow her time to adjust. As she sees that your commitment is real her worries will disipate

[ezervet]

You know, I don't really see it as repressing a part of myself. Its not like I am saying that I am straight by being with her, all I'm saying is that I won't be with anyone else, male or female, so I don't think that she has an easier time of committing to me just because she is straight. I don't think I would have a harder time resisting being unfaithful just because it would be with a guy, maybe that makes me unusual for a bi guy, i don't know.

Kitten- thanks, that sounds like great advice. It seems almost obvious, like a lot of good advice, but i'm glad i got it from you because there aren't many (check that, any) people i know that i think i could ask for this kind of advice from.

[Bisexualnewbie]

Hi there Everyone on this thread,
I am bi, have been for 12 yrs and until now I have only been with 2 guys.
Not because of not looking but that I do not just look for the hook up in the gym or at the park, to me that shows a lack of respect in yourself given all the threats out there from disease or from others who have a grudge about our sexuality. I do chat with guys and a few have wanted to meet me but most of the time I get the 5 min hookup vibe from them and politely decline.
I also find it very easy to express my feelings towards my girlfriend, taken some time for me to be that comfortable, but its a lot easier with someone who understands and accepts me for who I am.
Dating a str8 woman can be done for us bi guys but we have to find the right woman, I thought for a long time that I wanted a bi girlfriend because I thought they would understand me better until meeting the girl I'm with now who is str8.
:)

[gfofbiguy]

Hi everyone,
I'm str8 and my boyfriend is bi. I guess my best advice to you, ezervet, is to make sure you two are able to talk to each other and communicate with each other. Relationships change and morph over time (as Kitten said), but if you are able to talk to each other and keep communication open and the trust going, it will make weathering the ups and downs better, if not easier.:)

[kitten]

You are welcome ezervet! I can share my experiences and thoughts and hope it helps others see a perspective that might not have been thought about. Use what works for you and trust your gut instinct based on all the things you hear and learn!

Welcome Bisexualnewbie and gfofbiguy. It is awesome that you are both on the site!

hugs and hugs,

[dr_mcnally]

sounds like my life here.

I am bi (33 now, about 13 when i realized), with no guy relationship other than some casual guy get togethers with oral limits (unfortunately).

My now wife of 9 years and GF before that for 7 is STRAIGHT (no bi tendencies at all there :( ). I think the right person for me could have been guy or girl, but as for settling down without trying the other, what about other girls. Its not an issue right. Well when you find the right person, you know they are the right person no matter what gender they are. I knew the day i met my wife, even though she had a different sexual identity to me.

So 16 years into this great relationship, my wife still accepts i am bi (but probably does not really get it as we never do "
bi things"). My guy-guy experience since getting married is very limited, but my wife tell me she would be open to encounters (joint) if we met the right person. Strange, it never comes up at my wife's tea parties though.....

The key to getting into a relationship like this is communication. And do it before not after. My guy-guy friend got married and then told his wife about being bi. She told him "no your not and that's the end of that". Well he does try to sneak a visit here once and a while, but he is oral limited, and i think limited to me too, which makes me wonder, bi, or effectuated with me?

well i hope my story helps you thinks. add me to msn and chat sometime too if you like. dr_mcnally

[dr_mcnally]

ps: to add the obvious, new to this site and to chatting online about being bi too, and living in the most bi-void area in canada i think.

[AdamKadmon43]

****So i was just wondering what thoughts any of you had on this, especially people who have been in similar situations from either my position or hers.

Thanks in advance guys!

I think that you did the right thing by being open and honest with her... It has been my experience in life that one must not be deceptive about one's true inner self.

Just stick by your principles...... and joke 'em if they can't take a fuck....

Adam

[kitten]

Welcome dr. mcnally!

I don't think I said that my partner is a straight male and interestingly enough - he is the kinky one!! He is the one that wanted an open relationship and to experience new things. He is a great guy and so accepting of my preferences and I am still at times overwhelmed by his! But that is another thread... :) I am enjoying our shared time in this one!

and more of my ever-present hugs to you...

[jaysunation]

It's difficult being in a relationship with a straight woman. Fortunately I've pursued women who were either experimentally bisexual or were at least very open minded to bisexuality. While "open relationships" can sort of work in the early stages of dating, they seldom work long term. I salute couples who can make this kind of thing work.

I've been dealing with my bi-status for about 15 years now and my wife, who I've been with for 9 years, knew I was bisexual when we met. (It was through a personal ad) While I was ocassionally hooking up with guys for mutual J/O she was in a sexual relationship with her best friend who was the only other girl she experimented with. We never addressed it but once we started dating steadily we both stopped experimenting with members of the same sex. I did have a few XXX theater mutual J/O encounters with other guys but I felt weird about telling her. I guess I thought she'd worry or think I wasn't interested in her sexually anymore or if I was "out on the town" she'd think I was hooking up with somebody. There was also the whole issue of being with another woman which I really didn't want to pursue due to the emotional factor.

I feel the difficulty for men in expressing bisexuality to a monogamous female partner lies in the inherent sexual interests of men in general. Straight, bi, or gay, men love NSA sexual encounters and this fundamental difference in sexual desire has been a major issue in heterosexual relationships since the dawn of time! I find it a huge turn-on to be able to sexually experiment with a man because I feel I can enjoy if for purely the physical sexual experience without dating, commitment, feelings, being an issue. When I say this I don't mean that straight, bi, or gay men don't enjoy or desire to be in a monogamous sexual relationship or men don't enjoy feelings, commitment, etc, but many men feel the desire to have non-committed sexual experiences.

My wife and I are divorcing due to her wanting to have children (something I've made clear from the very beginning that I never want to do) While I'm not looking for a long-term relationship again anytime soon, I would like to explore my bisexuality more and communicate with others who feel as I do. If I choose to be in a committed relationship again, I will still be upfront about my sexuality.

[parkwings]

Everyone's different. But I think it would be rare to find a bi guy that could remain faithful to a wife or gf long term. Not impossible, rare. The man to man thoughts are persistant. Let's face it, if the male in question did'nt think about men sexually, regularly, then they likely would'nt even identify as bi.

My point is, if someone has thought about men enough to identify as bi, then to give up something that you think about that often, is difficult over the long haul.

And if the man in question did'nt think about men hardly at all, they might just identify as str8! :tongue:

[the sacred night]

Actually, that's very similar to my situation with my ex fiance. I was reluctant to commit to marriage without having ever dated a girl, but i loved him and didn't want to give up our relationship. i honestly can't say we ever solved it, since we broke up for other reasons, but i will say that i still don't want to get into another serious relationship with a man without trying a woman first, for that same reason, i don't want not knowing to endanger any future relationships. we talked often about having a three person relationship, and although that might be nice to try someday, i don't want my first experience with a woman to be that. ultimately, i didn't want another lover, i just wanted him to be able to transform into a woman sometimes, but sadly that wasn't going to work soooo... i didn't really know what we would have done had we stayed together.

[ezervet]

I thought for a long time that I wanted a bi girlfriend because I thought they would understand me better until meeting the girl I'm with now who is str8.
:)

I understand exactly what you mean. For the longest time, for whatever stupid reason, i had thought that i would never tell any woman i dated that i was bi, and then i got together with my current GF and i couldn't imagine not telling her everything. She has at times amazed me in many ways, so i guess the lesson is not to underestimate your partner. For a long time I also thought that i would want to be with a guy (in a relationship) before getting married or making a similar commitment, but now it doesn't seem important. If we broke up, yeah i would consider dating a guy or guys, but i think of that in the same way that i think that i would date other girls if we broke up, not as something i'm waiting to do. If that makes sense.

I would really like to thank all of you for this response, this is a great community and i let myself get away from it (and the whole GLBT community as a whole) and i'm glad i came back. Thanks for the support!

[ModelMeme]

Hey..my name is ModelMeme..I consider myself "straight" but I find girls attractive however it can very handled. My bf is bi curious /bi sexual right...so I don't necessarily have a problemo other than being possessive and jealous lately a lot has been going on tryin to work on our careers etc..so our time spent has been limited so I kind of feel offended and out at times..i love him a lot..he is my half..my soul mate an I care for him deeply but I cant help to feel jealous at times..I am trying hard to change it..I just don't want him to ever love me less and to still be here for us regardless.

[txbiguy2791]

I'm so.glad I.found this site! Im in the same boat cept that my wife is on the fence towards her sexuality. I accepted myself for who I amlast week and crossed my.fingers took her to our divebar and told her the next night!(fkn scary) lots of great advice here! Thanks to all who post and share :)