My Boyfriend just told me he is Bisexual....Help!

[Girlfriendto1]

My boyfriend of 1 year has admitted to me that he is bisexual. He didn't just sit me down and tell me, I found out in a series of events that unraveled and he had no choice but to tell me. Well now we have put the drama behind us and we are attempting to move forward. He has been keeping this to himself for a very long time and I am the first person in his life that he has shared this with and I think it is the first time he is coming to grips with it himself in reality. I have had a hard time not viewing it as an infidelity but he says because he wasn't with another woman that he didn't feel like he was cheating on me. He says this all started for him with internet porn and it just manifested to him being with another guy. He is really hard on himself when we talk about it and he is struggling to come to grips with it. I think he tries to push it aside but it always resurfaces. I really want to support him but I am trying to find my feet in this too. I am willing to stand by him through anything but I am just at a loss as to how to help him and be supportive. Any ideas or suggestions?

[Vuarra]

You asked for a suggestion... mine is marriage therapy, along with personal councilling for both of you. I do see some hope for you as a couple, as you said you have stopped with the drama. That's good, because the drama is what keeps both of you from dealing with the real issues.

Unfortunately for him, he was with another person; that makes it cheating. He needs to deal with his issues regarding gender orientation himself. As much as you'd love to, you cannot help him with it. Just be receptive to his silence or his talking, whichever he feels he needs at the time.

Good luck, you'll both need it.

And remember, condoms, always.

[Bluefrankenstein]

Okay, there is a difference between being bisexual and cheating. If he was seeing people behind your back, then he was cheating. It does not matter if they were male or female. I am bisexual and have never cheated on a anyone in my life, I have had many open and/or swinging relationships and I have had some monogamous ones. It is not the sex that makes it cheating, it is the lies (many people have honest open relationships), therfore the sex of the other person does not matter.

If you decide to forgive his infidelity (and he should apologize for it if he hasn't already), then you will have to decide what is acceptable going forward. Although he may have been unfaithful because he was afraid to tell you about his bisexual side that does not make it right (although it might make it more understandable).

If you read the message boards here you will find that many people who identify as bisexual have single partner monogamous relationships and you will also just as many that have open relationships. Being bisexual does not mean you have to act on every impulse that goes into your head.

If you want an expect a monogamous relationship you might be with the wrong guy. If you are open minded and exploratory yourself then this could become an exciting chapter in your life.

You may want to try an open relationship. If you are bi, you could find yourself a girlfriend, but if you are straight then you should let your boyfriend know that as long as he is seeing other men you will also (as I said, the sex of the person should not matter). Or you could just be open to whatever comes your way.

Another option is a swining relationship where you invite others to share your bedroom. You can only see other people together. You share the experience. Many people enjoy seeing their partner with others, regardless of if they are gay or straight.

If you want to remain together and monogomous then I would seek couples counseling.

Or you could ignore it and let it go on. But, I do not think that is a good option for anyone.

First thing though is you have to have a long talk and try to get your trust back.

Good luck.:2cents:

[phillyclp7469]

if youve told hin youll standby him regardless of his sexuality and he believes your sincerity youve won half the battle already as in society this is usually one of the things that split couples apart really the best way to help him through this as a couple is to experience it as a couple try and maybe go to a place for dinner or drinks that he would know for sure that caters to the gay/bisexual community let him see and feel that you accept and support him for who he is if you need to talk feel free to message or email always willing to lend an ear or brain

[vittoria]

Having a coital arrangement behind the back of your lover/bf/gf/significant other/ or whatever is beyond shadow of reasonable doubt CHEATING. Let no one, male, female, Vulcan or Martian delude you .

And if you forgave him, groovy.

Helping him to move on is cool, but he has to understand your need to be able to deal with that. It's not like you arent satisfying him enough, its just that he happens to like the touch and feel of a penis just like you do---its something else you have in common, and should draw you closer to each other :)

You NO LONGER would have to feel guilty for looking at another man's ass cause he probably would be looking at the same thing :bigrin:

Hell, if anything else, view it as an opportunity to help him go man shopping. You might be able to give him some 'pointers'. And besides, you never know how YOU may play into the scenario. Its good to have an open mind. Besides... ever wonder what it would be like to wear a strap on? Look up some on the internet... open some doors for yourself... heck you may be able to satisfy him yourself ( for only 19.95 plus shipping and handling... and a little bit of lube;) )

It IS kinda screwed up that you had to play connect the dots tho.

[Brian]

Hi girlfriendto1,

I'll leave it up to others to offer you advice, but I just wanted to say that your initial reaction, to seek information and the experiences of others, says a lot about the high quality of your character. I wish both you and your bf the best, and hope this site helps you guys out.

- Drew :paw:

[FalconAngel]

What we say here is really going to mirror everyone else.

1) The fact that you have asked for information and advice does say a lot for your character and your desire to make your relationship work.

2) The fact that he was sleeping around without your consent does mean that he was cheating and he needs to fess up to you as well as to himself that it was wrong to do.

3) Seeking relationship counseling is a great idea, as long as both of you want this relationship to work.

4) There are many options for you, as a couple, to deal with his bisexuality and not all of them are right for everyone.

a) Swinging. This one is relatively easy, but most "real" swingers are rather on the homophobic side where it comes to male bisexuality, but there are plenty of groups online for finding like-minded folks in your situation. But you both have to be agreeable to it and work out your own personal rules and limits (and stick to them) for both of you.

b) Open relationship. This can only work if both of you agree. Like swinging, there needs to be limits that you both work within and stick to.

c) Bi-Poly relationship. This one is trickiest of all. It requires that you find a male partner that both of you like and like to play with. And it is like having two serious relationships together, but no everyone in the relationship is an equal.

d) A semi-swinging situation. This is where you find one or more partners for him, but you only play together and only with Bi guys that you both like. This is the situation that has been working for us.

e) Monogamy. We all know this one. No one does anything sexual with anyone outside of the relationship.

f) A single sided open relationship. This one is practiced by many couples. It is where the Bi partner in a mixed orientation relationship is allowed out to play on their BI side with the straight/gay partner's consent. In some cases, the partner wants to know what happens when they go out and in some, the partner doesn't want to know. That one also depends on the non-BI partner as to whether they say anything to each other about what happens.

Like we said, these are some of the options out there and not all of them work for everyone. You need to sit down together and work out what works for you.
Since you have already opened a dialogue with him about this, then you should be willing to sit down and work out all of these things together.

[raistkit]

as i type this i know it's gonna sound silly, but for us it works " the couple that plays together stays together" i think it's great that you are supportive of him. now how about you? bi, straight, or gay are all just words. do you have a fantasy that you want to explore? if so tell him, you support him, he should support you. as far as the cheating is concerned, never had to deal with that, we explore together. if he goes out on his own gonna borrow dark eyes cleaver, got a pickle jar waiting. point being communication is the key. i know it's tough, but you two have to work out your own personal perameters.

best wishes kit

[Mrs.F]

My boyfriend of 1 year has admitted to me that he is bisexual. He didn't just sit me down and tell me, I found out in a series of events that unraveled and he had no choice but to tell me. Well now we have put the drama behind us and we are attempting to move forward. He has been keeping this to himself for a very long time and I am the first person in his life that he has shared this with and I think it is the first time he is coming to grips with it himself in reality. I have had a hard time not viewing it as an infidelity but he says because he wasn't with another woman that he didn't feel like he was cheating on me. He says this all started for him with internet porn and it just manifested to him being with another guy. He is really hard on himself when we talk about it and he is struggling to come to grips with it. I think he tries to push it aside but it always resurfaces. I really want to support him but I am trying to find my feet in this too. I am willing to stand by him through anything but I am just at a loss as to how to help him and be supportive. Any ideas or suggestions?

Welcome Girlfriend :grouphug:
Oh, where to start, where to start....I remember sitting on here almost 3 yrs. ago asking the same questions. I found out by accident that my husband was bisexual after being married 10 yrs. When confronted with it he was embarrassed and but never once denied it. I, also was the first person he told besides his friends on this site. It took me a long time to come to terms with it and deal with it but I will tell you one thing.....being a member of this site helped me more than I can ever express. There are some wonderful people on this site who took the time to talk to me and explain and help me deal with the feelings I was having towards my husband. You've already done great by being here and deciding to support him.

Now....as for him telling you that because he was with a guy and not a woman is NOT cheating.....NO>>>>it's still cheating! He was with another person sexually without your knowledge. When it comes to any relationship there must be communication and honesty to make it work....and when it comes to a relationship where one is bisexual....sometimes it takes more communication. Telling one's fears, fantasies..ideas of present and future. They all must be talked about and dealt with together as a couple. There can't be any one sided anything! It's all new to both of you right now because he's finally dealing with it out in the open to you and you've never dealt with something like this. It takes time. But as long as you love each other and can work together on this..you will make it.

My husband and I are doing great. We've met alot of great friends on this site and hope to one day meet as many as we can. The support here is great! For me now...my husbands bisexuality is NOT an issue. He is still the same person, the same man I fell in love with many yrs. ago and actually....now I know why he's such a sensitive, caring man!!
Good luck to you both....

[diB4u]

My boyfriend of 1 year has admitted to me that he is bisexual. He didn't just sit me down and tell me, I found out in a series of events that unraveled and he had no choice but to tell me. Well now we have put the drama behind us and we are attempting to move forward. He has been keeping this to himself for a very long time and I am the first person in his life that he has shared this with and I think it is the first time he is coming to grips with it himself in reality. I have had a hard time not viewing it as an infidelity but he says because he wasn't with another woman that he didn't feel like he was cheating on me. He says this all started for him with internet porn and it just manifested to him being with another guy. He is really hard on himself when we talk about it and he is struggling to come to grips with it. I think he tries to push it aside but it always resurfaces. I really want to support him but I am trying to find my feet in this too. I am willing to stand by him through anything but I am just at a loss as to how to help him and be supportive. Any ideas or suggestions?


Aww sweetie the same thing nearly happened to me, i found out that my ex was bi curious by his posting on his yahoo messenger that he likes to lick cock. Now how do you think i felt? I would not of had a problem if the lying man had told me the truth, so like you he was cheating on me with another woman and a man...

The best thing to do is to dump him. If not for his own sexual and mental heath, then you need to do it for yours.

Now are you also bisexual? Bi curious or just straight. If your willing to accept that he has needs then fine... maybe even get yourself some as well..

HOWEVER, if you want a only style of relationships, ie only one man one woman then its best to tell him, and let him make up his mind.

In my case, we broke up because of all the lying and the double handedness, but the funny thing is that i at the stage wanted to have a mmf with him... he knew it as well, but he wanted cock for himself. Greeedy man..

Well I hope that you come to your own conclusions, but just a word of warning, he's done it once, he'll do it again... Now you know he is bisexual....

[CMack]

The worst thing I believe I did was to keep it from my wife. I mean, she knew, in that way that women will always know.:) I had a relationship with guy 13 years ago (or so) and never told her. We are fine, really. It actually turns her on (bonus) and she encourages it. To her, she doesn't see it as cheating so long as we are completely open about it. Nothing is hidden.
The only no-no would be to have a relationship with another woman. Then there would be competition for her and that would be bad.
Truly.. I find that variety for me would be to have something with another guy. A woman is a woman is a woman and if you love the woman you're with and are attracted to her, you don't need another woman. Being with a guy balances things for me and she agrees that I am a better man with it.

[bi42guy1958]

For what its worth, my 2 cents, ah hell, inflation as hit, here take a nickel!!:bigrin: 49 yr old male bisexual, been through 4 marriages. First one neer knew, number 2 and 3 participated in with me, only after knowing about it after the fact. I thought that was the problem. The 4th I told 2 weeks after meeting before we got into a deep relationship. Notice i did say there all past relationships? After telling her and explaining to her that it was a sexual thing and had nothing to do with the giving of mysle to a guy in a loving relationship, she come to terms and said it was OK, and I also told her that I had tried for years to supress these feelings of course to no aval. She still married me and after being married she decided she was no longer OK with it, took me for everything, so here I am. Come to your own conclusions about it.

[welickit]

Quite frankly we think you are full of shit. Hell, you don't even have a profile. We dislike being up front (rude) but you deserve it.

[phaedrus]

Quite frankly we think you are full of shit. Hell, you don't even have a profile. We dislike being up front (rude) but you deserve it.

Who are you addressing this to? Is it to Girlfriendto1?

[shameless agitator]

Well from my perspective, the fact that he's still just coming to grips with his sexuality & confused makes the cheating a little more understandable and maybe forgivable. It is definitely cheating though, whether with a man or woman. If you're supposed to have a monogamous relationship & he goes outside of that, it's cheating. If you're able to forgive him and want to continue the relationship, you have, as I see it, 2 options. You can 1) get his assurances that nothing like that will ever happen again and he will commit to a monogamous relationship with you (obviously this one requires a certain amount of trust), or 2) Open up the relationship to include others. There are many ways you could go with that. You could become swingers & occasionally bring people home to play with both of you together, you could allow him casual flings with other men, or a relationship with one other man. Obviously if he's allowed to play, you should be too. There are a lot of different scenarios you could work out. It just depends on what works best for the 2 of you.

[Azrael]

Who are you addressing this to? Is it to Girlfriendto1?

Whoever it's directed at, it's just plain cruel.

[kitten]

This article has some interesting perspectives you might want to consider:
"For Better or for Worse, in Straightness and in....Otherwise…When One of You is Bi".

It is on this site in the news archives section.

Best wishes to you and your partner in working out your relationship.
Hugs,

[phaedrus]

Whoever it's directed at, it's just plain cruel.

That's exactly what I thought. I didn't see where Girlfriendto1 said anything to deserve that statement. People come to this place for support, advise and kinship. To get slammed like that is the last thing they expect or deserve. What a terrible thing to say.

[biupstateny]

I went through the same thing. After 2 years of dating, I also found out through some "events" and confronted my bf. It was very hard for me when he admitted it. I felt betrayed, ashamed of myself, but above all I lost trust. I went through a situation of my own for 8 months, and while we were apart, I learned that none of this is my fault. My bf is who he is and I should be greatful that he openend up this side to me and was able to share his life with me. A life that he has kept sheltered since a teenager. 11 months later here we are....extremly happy, and we are so much more open with each other. Our trust for each other is beyond anything I could of ever expected. I beleive if a man is a sheltered bisexual, somehow, someday, somewhere he is going to want to experiance the urge to be with another man. There is nothing wrong with it. You need to be supportive of him. There is nothing discusting about who he is, or what he may want. I put limitations on certain things. I decided that I do want him to experiance what he wants, where at the same time we are now open enough to explore both our sexual sides. But we both agree and talk about WHO he/we chat or e-mail and it has to be a mutual decesion on who he/we may want an encounter with.

Im sure this turned your world totally upside down, but nothing has changed besides the fact he told you something so personal aobut him, and now you know his main seceret in life. Do not use this against him. Use it to help nurture your realtionship. Don't nag him all the time by "wanting" or "needing" to talk about it. If he sits at the computer and looks at gay porn, sit with him and watch it. Don't make him feel like he has to hide this side of himself from you, or make him ashamed to talk about it. This is a new oppertunity in life for the both of you. One year is still a young realtionship, so maybe you need to decide if you want to deal with it or not. But if not, don't go running and telling everyone his lifestyle, this will only make him resent women and maybe stop him from trusting. All in All, its his life, HE chose to share it with YOU !

As far as being with another man and not telling you, is it cheating? I think it's only cheating if he keeps doing it. But maybe you should let this one slide. He did what he needed to do as a man. If it happens again, then yes I would call it cheating. If the both of you can sit down and agree to certain terms that would help to fulfill his "other" sexual needs, if he absolutely needs them fulfilled, then that would be a good step to take also.

religon aside- god made everyone an origional person. Enjoy them for who they are, not for what you expect of them....

Now go give him a big hug and kiss.....and if you truley love him...you will know if you want to accept him.

[biupstateny]

The worst thing I believe I did was to keep it from my wife. I mean, she knew, in that way that women will always know.:) I had a relationship with guy 13 years ago (or so) and never told her. We are fine, really. It actually turns her on (bonus) and she encourages it. To her, she doesn't see it as cheating so long as we are completely open about it. Nothing is hidden.
The only no-no would be to have a relationship with another woman. Then there would be competition for her and that would be bad.
Truly.. I find that variety for me would be to have something with another guy. A woman is a woman is a woman and if you love the woman you're with and are attracted to her, you don't need another woman. Being with a guy balances things for me and she agrees that I am a better man with it.

I agree totally!!!! My bf is so much more open both sexually and emotionally with me now that we can both enjoy who HE is!!! And it IS a total turn on for me....i can't wait to watch him for the first time!!!!!

[biupstateny]

For what its worth, my 2 cents, ah hell, inflation as hit, here take a nickel!!:bigrin: 49 yr old male bisexual, been through 4 marriages. First one neer knew, number 2 and 3 participated in with me, only after knowing about it after the fact. I thought that was the problem. The 4th I told 2 weeks after meeting before we got into a deep relationship. Notice i did say there all past relationships? After telling her and explaining to her that it was a sexual thing and had nothing to do with the giving of mysle to a guy in a loving relationship, she come to terms and said it was OK, and I also told her that I had tried for years to supress these feelings of course to no aval. She still married me and after being married she decided she was no longer OK with it, took me for everything, so here I am. Come to your own conclusions about it.

shitty story....she sucks!!!! Sounds like she was insecure!!!

[Sapphrodite]

Hey Girlfriend01, All I can say is ****:grouphug:****

As cruel as this may sound, be sure that you can truly forgive the infidelity/cheating (if that's how you view his past actions) deep in your heart. It will be something that you will not want to keep throwing back and forth in each other's faces as you're going through the healing process.

Although it may be somehow easier to mentally negotiate because it does not involve another woman per se, it doesnt mean that he didnt 'cheat' by way of omission or hurt you emotionally or put you at risk sexually-speaking. It won't be fair to either of you if you can't honestly forgive him and move forward - I'm not sayng that you should or have to, but I cant see your relationship surviving without determining that simple truth. Do what you feel you can handle and don't feel obligated to stay in any relationship that you dont feel that you can support.

That aside, looking for information and websites about supporting those in the LGBTQ community will begin to address your needs, as the bisexual aspect of your partner (and how to deal with it) is all new to you. You can always love him, but that doesn't mean that you have to remain in a sexual or long-term relationship with him if that's not something you're prepared to deal with. I would suggest that you try to look at this as objectively as you can and see if it has possible outcomes that you are prepared to handle (aka his needs to go outside of the relationship for sexual fulfillment) and if you personally can deal with them in the long run. I hope that you can, as it's never easy to gain acceptance from a partner when you are the bisexual in a bi-straight couple, but only you know what you can handle emotionally.

Good luck sweetie, and I know you will find lots of support and friendship here to help guide you through should you seek it.

~ Sapphy~

[heaveng87]

You really should sit down and have a long talk about the things that are on both your ya'll minds. Once both of you have sorted things out having an open relationship is great. My husband and I have a very open relationship. Since I'm bisexual we explore things together as well as exploring things myself. Neither of us think of it as cheating because we both know who I'm coming home to at the end of the day. I've even gone as far as telling him if he wants to he can be with other women without me but he has choosen not to. I suggest letting him explore his bisexual side a little more so that he becomes comfortable with it himself and to see if you can handle him being bisexual. I know you said you would support him and letting him know for sure that you are ok with it is the best way to support him. At least that way both of you know where ya'll stand on the matter. Good luck and please make sure you sit down with him and talk everything out. ;)

[*pan*]

my :2cents: on this is if you love him you should accept him and see where it goes. maby it's not as bad as you can imagine, when i told my wife it didn't change our relationship except to make it better, from then on we could tell each other every thing even our most intimate thoughts of other people which we feel has made us closer and more like best friends. when i told my other wife when i first met her, even before we had sex, she told me later maby she should have been lookin for a bisexual man and not the rednecks she was used to lol. we are all three living an open and happy relationship together now, i see them as equals not in charge or over them in anyway. we are just 3 souls who live and love together and are the better for it.

[Eddie altamonte]

My boyfriend of 1 year has admitted to me that he is bisexual. He didn't just sit me down and tell me, I found out in a series of events that unraveled and he had no choice but to tell me. Well now we have put the drama behind us and we are attempting to move forward. He has been keeping this to himself for a very long time and I am the first person in his life that he has shared this with and I think it is the first time he is coming to grips with it himself in reality. I have had a hard time not viewing it as an infidelity but he says because he wasn't with another woman that he didn't feel like he was cheating on me. He says this all started for him with internet porn and it just manifested to him being with another guy. He is really hard on himself when we talk about it and he is struggling to come to grips with it. I think he tries to push it aside but it always resurfaces. I really want to support him but I am trying to find my feet in this too. I am willing to stand by him through anything but I am just at a loss as to how to help him and be supportive. Any ideas or suggestions?

It is still cheating if he doesn't have your permission. That is entirely up to you. I believe this can bring you closer together or it can go the other way as well. The key is good communication and pure honesty. If you are not comfortable in this situation you may need to walk away if you can be open, sincerely open,it may still not work as with any relationship but there is a much better prognosis Consider this is the same person that you fell in love with and the same person who shares your bed as before, He is no less of a man. he does have honesty issues but for good reasons, he probably would never choose to hurt you, let alone lose you. Keeping all that in mind, there is a huge amount of work between you. Wish you both the best and all the happiness possible