[Bialogue Action Alert]: 'Dear Margo' misses the mark

[nyabn_webmaster]

In her advice column of Friday December 28th 2007 entitled "Oh, the Things You Find Out Online", Margo Howard (daughter of the late Ann Landers) advised a married man who found himself blurting out "I love you" to a male friend that, "You are gay" and some how unaccountably left out the "B" word.

While in general Margo was gay-positive, to-the-point and correct in telling him that he was most likely NOT straight and to seek counseling, this over-site on her part could have a significant and negative impact on this man and his family's life.

Please help.

Contact Margo (direct e-mails do not seem to be allowed, you must click on the link provided and respond via a form in the column) and discuss the existence and possibility of 'DAZED AND CONFUSED' being a repressed, heavily closeted, married BISEXUAL man. Hopefully she will prove to be as intelligent and open-minded as she seems and will quickly correct this omission on her part.

Here is the link and the column:

http://news.yahoo.com/b/dear_margo/margo_howard20071228


DEAR MARGO:

I find myself in a predicament that I never in a million years would have predicted. I am a 25-year-old man who is married to a beautiful, committed wife. Recently, I was chatting online and met a guy. He was funny and quick-witted. After a while we exchanged numbers and have talked for more than two hours every night since. Margo, I hate talking on the phone! Last night we were talking and laughing together, and after a moment of silence, I said, "God, I love you." I immediately apologized, but he said, "Don't." He said he has been fighting saying it, too.

Margo, we are both straight, and we both believe homosexuality is a sin. Neither of us knows what is going on. I haven't had any desire to spend time with my wife since this person came into my life. I only want to talk with "Matt." What is going on?
--- DAZED AND CONFUSED

DEAR DAZE:

Let us recap: You "met" a guy online. You've been talking with him on the phone for two hours a night -- and you hate phone conversations. You told him you loved him; he said he's been having the same thought. The two of you believe homosexuality to be a sin. Since you and cyber-friend "met," you have had zero interest in your wife.

These things would not, could not happen to a straight man. You are gay, my friend, though heavily repressed because ... it would be sinful. I believe you and this other chap are so closeted that you've been hiding from yourselves. Because of your religious convictions, I am pretty sure there's an element of self-loathing, if only at the subconscious level.

I would suggest you seek professional help and guidance. Get the national number for GLBT counseling referrals. And perhaps take a break from "Matt" until your identity question is settled, one way or the other.
--- MARGO, STARTLINGLY

[wanderingrichard]

Hold on, wait a minute!! why are we in such a hurry to pigeonhole this guy as bi, or gay, or anything other than what he might really be, which seems to be a straight, het, man who has actually let his homophobic guard down and told someone of the same sex what he really feels for once. why is it so hard in this day and age for someone to say, " i love you" to a person of the same sex and NOT have 30 different shrill voices screaming at him/her " you're one of us!! come join the cause of XYZ movement!!"

you know, we used to have a time in our society not too long ago that telling your father, grandfather, uncle, or closest male friend " i love you" didnt carry a stigma of overt homosexuality. what the hell happened to that?? have we become so polarized along special interest lines that we can't express ourselves anymore without having a circus happen because of it?

personally, i say let the guy alone and stay the hell out of his business.. unfortuneately, as long as we have advice mongers , we'll have poor sots that blithely plop their woes worries and pecadilloes into the laps of others to be publicly bandied about as political footballs or cause celebre' for some self aggrandizing special interest group....

If you feel you must intervene, how about having someone of reasonable personage contact this guy or meet him in a relaxed public setting and politely offer assitance or advice instead of turing this into some type of side show.

i now relinquish my soap box to others for their humble opinions also.

Rich

[Azrael]

you know, we used to have a time in our society not too long ago that telling your father, grandfather, uncle, or closest male friend " i love you" didnt carry a stigma of overt homosexuality. what the hell happened to that?? have we become so polarized along special interest lines that we can't express ourselves anymore without having a circus happen because of it?



Precisely. I have loving friendships with many straight males.

[nyabn_webmaster]

personally, i say let the guy alone and stay the hell out of his business

The man in questions took it upon himself to write in to a very public Advice Columnist so I'd say that he is making it clear that he doesn't want to just be left alone. Additionally, his alarm over everything leads us to think that he himself is pretty clear that it's just a warm "male bonding" moment type thing,

However the nature of the medium he chose also makes it impossible for anyone to just invite him out for a nice cup of tea and a chat, since we have no idea who he is.

The reason we are asking that everyone write in to "Dear Margo" is so that he can have other options.

If he were to take her advice and get himself into a counseling situation, their usual outcome is pretty bleak. One of the first things they tend to do (even the ones that advertise themselves as for the "Married Bisexual Man") is to tell the people to face "reality" and to leave their wives and families.

We'd like him to at least know that there are other possible outcomes that DON'T necessarily involve a life of grim "restraint" and bitterness, of sneaking around on the DL or (as a therapist in some horrible article proudly crowed about, all the marriages he had broken up, all "for their own good" don't you know) being badgered into some divorced, lonely "PC" existence in an efficiency flat, seeing the children two weekends a month and meeting other wistful divorced men at some bar.

[Long Duck Dong]

I agree with wandering richard.....

there is such a rush in the world to apply labels and *package *people into boxes, that we are losing sight of what it means to be human and have feelings, thoughts and understanding

the guy doesn't need *our* opinions, he needs the time and space to learn about himself on his terms.......

imagine if we rushed in and told me that he was bi... and cost him his marriage, job, family etc, and all he was doing, was revealing that he was learning about a aspect of himself

as for the public advice columnist aspect..... whats safer..... talking to his friends, workmates, wife... or writing to a public source as a anon person

simple advice from a columnist to a man that can take it or leave it......

thats my idea of help...

[Lorcan]

The reason we are asking that everyone write in to "Dear Margo" is so that he can have other options.

If he were to take her advice and get himself into a counseling situation, their usual outcome is pretty bleak. One of the first things they tend to do (even the ones that advertise themselves as for the "Married Bisexual Man") is to tell the people to face "reality" and to leave their wives and families.

I agree with nyabn_webmaster, and I did write dear Margo.
I know of a friend who went a "BI" support group and was told he had "to face "reality" and to leave their wives and families. "

[the mage]

The label the man carries into any given place of help matters less than his getting help. If her column gets him less confused in his need to seek help its a good start.

[nyabn_webmaster]

no one is worried about "labels" at all

a person who is upset and is trusting an authority figure isn't being told there are ANY options other than being 100% Straight or 100% Gay/Lesbian

what we are worried about is the over-zealous therapists who decide that ANY sign of same-sex attraction automatically means you MUST be a "Kinsey 6 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_scale)" and immediately start badgering you to divorce your wife, move to a flat in Chelsea and take up Interior Decorating

and if you all think that in this more "enlightened" day and age that it rarely happens, your fooling yourselves

[BiphobiaFighter]

I find that these overzealous therapists exist to depressing, especially as I am well into my studies to be a psychologist.

I have encountered a craptacular psychologist who I went to for something completely unrelated to my sexuality. She asked me what my sexuality was (she made the conversation drift into femininity and masculinity for a second for some obtuse reason and she leaped from that to sexuality) and I told her that I'm bi. She asked me if I was sure and I told her that I was as sure as I could be. She ended up saying that she asked me if I was sure because she didn't think I was bi since you can normally tell someone's sexuality by looking at them and that I was just a confused straight person who was immature. She made me feel profoundly terrible and I never went back to her (I had made the decision before that that it was going to be the last time out of two visits).

In fact, that was one year ago today.

[Skater Boy]

I would agree that Margo made an assumption that she was not qualified to make, and that may potentially have been harmful.

But, that said, her advice was free... and probably worth every penny.

I guess it comes down to just how much power the Suggestion of Authority has in this situation... was the individual in question vulnerable, and open to influence by Margo... or was he of a firm state of mind, and merely seeking advice from alternative viewpoints?

Anywho... what formal qualifications or training does one need to become a tabloid agony aunt? I don't see any attributed to Margo on the web-page. So perhaps the guy would have been no worse off by asking the bartender at his local bar, or even an old man who might happen to be feeding the pigeons at his local park...

Not that paid professionals are often any better. But at least they undergo some form of training, and are usually vetted. I guess the bottom line is that the Lord helps those who help themselves... in a manner of speaking.

[DiamondDog]

Nobody here actually knows this guy and only he actually knows who and what he is.

He doesn't have to follow Margo's advice at all or even read it, and who says that just because someone is a gay male or a newly divorced gay/bi once married male that they have to move to an expensive gay ghetto or take up interior design?

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

You can tell a person is Bi from merely Looking at them?? Oh Puleeze..
You were right in dropping that therapist..SHE's the one with the hang up's, not you..lol
And getting back to the man in topic. Many men have underlaying thoughts and desires and infatuations and theres not a damn thing wrong with it. If this one felt a drawing towards his friend, then so be it. Margo sounds like a Homophobic buffoon who had no business telling him he was wrong, sinning, ect. Being Bi isnt a sickness..its the way a person Is. Sounds like she needs to poke her Puritanistic head out of the cave, and take a look at the real world now and then.
My youngest daughter is at Cambridge Uni in England right now in her third year of Physcology, and she couldn't Believe this artical when I sent it to her. She says somebody needs to go back and take a refresher course..lol
Cat