New to the World Of Bi

[red_riding_hood_27]

Hello, I am Angela. 2 Weeks ago comfronted my husband of 4 years with proof of his sexual prefrence. I have been confused by all of this. I think he is also. He has denied this for the past year. I have found several interesing web sites on his computer and he denied them. I by chance found emails from and to a man with some very explict talk. I was angry. He lied at first said it was a curiousity then finaly admitted that he has allways been this way. He has suppressed the feeling for three years. He stated that he has yet been physical with a man but I don't know for sure. He lied about other things. Now I am at a cross roads. I have been researching and reading. Been in chat rooms talking with other bi-men trying to undersand. It goes against what I was raised to believe. I told him I don't hate him or think bad of him. I have even when as far as looking into sex toys and videos to spice it up. I just don't know how to live like this. What do other couple's do. Do you share? Do you divorce? What happens? I love him but what to do. I have questions for others who are married or just Bi-men. Can a woman be enough or will he need more? I apreciate any advice or comments anyone can give. Thanks for listening.

[RainbowBright]

im kinda in the same boat, but on the other end. i am married, and bisexual. my husband is strait. in june we celebrated our 10 anniversary.. and then we split a couple of weeks later.. for the verry reason that you are asking about. we are back together, but things are still verry fragile. he is asking the same questions that you are, and as the other person in the picture all i can do is offer you a little expereince. currently i have not been with another women, althought not for not wanting to but because things arnt where they need to be for us to survive any experiences that i may have, and also because he has asked me not to untill things are where they need to be. i found that the one key thing to remember no matter what is to communicate, comunicate, comunicate, no matter how much it hurts to say things or to hear them. and above all.. be honest!!! with both yourself and him. you are not helping him ( and trust me, he is just as confused and scared as you are) or yourself if you are not completly open and honest with how you feel.. and are open to how he feels on the same subjects. my husband wants things that i frankly dont want. that doesnt mean that we are done - it just means that we need to continue to work on things and comprimise. everyday is a struggle, but it is becomeing less of one everyday. we respect eachothers wants and needs, and we dont make every waking minuit about this situation.

there are times when if you just have fun and let go of a situation that will show you a different light on things.

If you would like.. email me and i can have my husband share some thoughts from his end of things.

Have faith... time has a way of making these things easier to deal with. :tong:

RainbowBright

[csrakate]

Hey,
Although we have talked privately about this issue, I have to reiterate what Rainbow said...Communicate, Communicate, Communicate!! And she is right...do so no matter how hurtful or difficult it may be. It is when you start suppressing your emotions that you find your relationship in trouble...put your cards on table...let the cat out of the bag...and all those other cute sayings....and continue to talk...share your feelings...say what you really feel...not just what you think he wants to hear. This is not the time to compromise your own feelings in order to accommodate his. This can only work if it is mutually satisfying for both parties.

As always, I am here if you want to talk...and I am sure that if your husband needs to talk to someone, he can find someone on this site who has "been there, done that" and can share some words of wisdom with him as well. This site has an abundance of good, kind people who are here for you and for him. Take advantage of that...it certainly helped me!

Hugs,
Kate

[sweet-t]

Hi Red,

I am also married to a bi-male, he told me about this before we were married, we've been married for almost 9 years. He has always suppressed his wants and feelings of that lifestyle, cause he made a decision way before we got married that he wanted to have a "socially accepted relationship". So he did give up the option of ever being with another man.

Life happened and we grew apart, I got selfish, and felt un-loved and I had an affair. I was horrible to him, told him things that were not nice and asked him to leave, so I could be with who I thought I wanted. Turned out I wanted my man back in a BAD way, (the affair happened one time and only one time).

Long story short he came back we decided to work things out cause we love each other, and we are dedicated to each other. The thing is, he now feels unfullfilled because he suppressed those bi feelings for so long and now wants to form a friendship with a man that is either bi or gay, just so he can feel like he's not a "freak", so he can talk with somone who understands him. The thing is he also is not closed to having a more intimate relationship with this "friend" I'm having troubles with that on a certain level.

I don't want to take this from him, because I want him happy more than anything. He tells me, that he's not looking for a replacement, he has what he wants for a lifetime partner.

It's all very confusing, I feel your "pain" and frustrations. The biggest thing that helps us, is to be totally open and honest with each other. We've never been as close as we are now to each other, because I've allowed myself to be open minded. I want him to have a friend that he can talk with and hang out with, no strings attached. He's not looking for a sex buddy, but if something should happen, he wants my ok on that, and I have basically told him if something happens it happens, (although I imagine I would have a horrible time with it, knowing he's having sex with another person, due to me having an affair, and being so selfish, i feel i owe it to him). Hope that makes sense.

Bottom line is, I would allow both your dh and yourself to vent about this. Appears you found out by accident and confronted, it's only human to deny something of that magnitude when found out. Allow him his fantasy, but ask that you be part of it.

I also went the toy route in hopes that, that would fullfill the void, but I believe it's made it even stronger for him. I am going to remain supportive, cause this is a very difficult thing for him to go thru, the way he was raised and I was raised very similar to what you said.

This is not something that affects his or my family, no need to share that with them. Just remain honest and true to each other. Hang in there, and believe me i don't have the answers, I just know what we're trying to do.

The only way this will affect our marriage is if we let it.

[monkeypankey]

Hi I'm a bi woman currently out of a relationship and one of the reasons my last relationship - with the father of my child - very sadly broke down was because I felt unfulfilled on some level because it was a 1-1 relationship and I still longed for women sometimes. So I'm hardly speaking from an informed perspective personally. But I do know married couples who have open relationships and make it work long term (two in which the blokes are bi and also see other men, both the women are also bi and one of them is also seeing another woman at present). I think it does take a lot of negotiation and honestly and also kindness - reinforcing your relationship, being loving to each other etc. Also in the polyamory community people have open but committed relationships - one way is to have a primary relationship and then agreement about the level of contact you can have with other people eg sex but not going on holiday together, or sexy stuff but not full intercourse. It can work, people out there are doing it. :rolleyes:

take care and good luck x

[red_riding_hood_27]

Thanks so much for your words and personal stories. It has open my eyes to let me know that I am not alone. That there are a network of people that can help me. I feel better then I did yesterday. Each day I am working on keeping an open mind and heart. We are working each day with the issues that come up. Again thanks for the support and encourgement. I look forward to talking with you guys later.
Angela

[bigregory]

talk talk talk
internet and chats.. he is talking to someone in you area already.
He is a guy like me .If you are bi you can crave a man as well as as a woman and i mean crave!
Toys are great it might keep him home on a tues. night.
Accept or reject.
Behind your back or with your ok , in the open i think would be better for all.
:2cents:
Please understand no man that loves his girl would want to screw up the relationship,but if he wants some mansex he is going to get it.
Accept or Reject
I say give hime a night out :tongue:

[jordok]

Bigregory is very wise.

To your guy its probably just sex, its not an ideal situation but its the one you have. Let him exercise the beast - For what its worth he'll want you so much more afterwards.

[m.in.heels&hose]

Hello red riding hood,
i am a bi man in a marriage relationship and i felt i needed to tell my girl friend (now wife) when we were dating i told her i was bi and a life long crossdresser.
her attitude towards this news was she still loved me, this did not change the person that i am, but because of this she has allowed me to act and fulfill my desires when ever need be, but also i allow her to go out side of the marriage when she feels she needs something as well , but the only rule we have is that we are up front and honest with each other so that there are no secrets and no surprises either (my wife & i are very honest with each other and not jealous either)
i am not reccomending this type of life style, but it has worked for us in the 12 years we have been married

in short (like others have told you) communicate,communicate,communicate

thank you for listening to my :2cents:
m.in.heels&hose

PS. i wish you the very best to the both of you !!!!!!!!

[bediddle]

I agree with the main sentiment that I'm reading in the above posts: the best way to understand your husband is to communicate with him.
I know that we all say communicate and we rarely say what that really means.

Here's one technique:

When we're talking about good communication we're more often talking about good listening.

Take turns expressing your feelings. When it's hubby's turn, just listen. Don't interject with your opinion. Every once in a while jump in but only to paraphrase what he's said. (things like, "So let me get this right. You're saying..."). When you finally think you understand his point of view then you can express how you feel. At this point you can stop periodically and ask him to paraphrase what you've said. Of course, it doesn't really matter who goes first.

Once this is done you are in a much better position to come to a solution because you have a way better idea of what your partner wants. In other words, you don't have to nearly as much assuming.

It's just one idea. And I know that it sounds pretty artificial. But, it is a pretty reasonable way of working some things out.

Good luck.

[okto05]

Well, being bi is so much fun, this is the deal all of my girls know that I go with the flow and if my girl doesn't like it she could go fuck herself and that is just the way it is, live and let live, living on the edge is so much fun. CHRIS

[Chris CT]

This thread makes me glad that this site exists. You folks are caring and outgoing and I couldn't agree more with your advice.

Except for the okto05 post.

Being Bi isn't a big party. It is the way we are and sometimes that is difficult for those we care about.

The lady who started this post was asking for help. She got answers from some very smart and compassionate people.

okto05 should take his opinions elsewhere. Living on the edge isn't fun.

Sorry to say my name is also Chris.

[Mrs.F]

Well, being bi is so much fun, this is the deal all of my girls know that I go with the flow and if my girl doesn't like it she could go fuck herself and that is just the way it is, live and let live, living on the edge is so much fun. CHRIS

:disgust: Wow, I'm glad I didn't get your advice when I found out about my husband being bi 3 months ago. Advice like that could send someone who is already hurt, feeling betrayed and lied too off the deep end! She's asking for help in how to deal with this news. Telling her to go with the flow or go fuck herself are not words of encouragement!!

From what you say, you tell your "girl" from the start of the relationship that your bi. She's telling you that she has been married for 4 yrs. and just found this out. And not by him telling her, by her catching him on websites. Just as I found out about my husband. I have been married for 10 and just found out. There was no honesty there in the beginning and finding this HUGE secret out now about her husband was a HUGE blow to their relationship. They have alot of communicating to do because it was NOT there in the beginning. I've been in her shoes and don't want to walk in them again!! :( :2cents:

Sorry if my reply is harsh.

[csrakate]

Well, being bi is so much fun, this is the deal all of my girls know that I go with the flow and if my girl doesn't like it she could go fuck herself and that is just the way it is, live and let live, living on the edge is so much fun. CHRIS

First of all, Mrs. F, you suggest that you may have been too harsh...I hardly think so!!! I do, however, applaud your restraint!

Chris...get real buddy...with your attitude and false bravado, you will be lucky if one of your "girls" will give a damn whether you go with the flow or not. Enjoy your edge while you can...it's going to be mighty lonely out there one day. And next time you want to add your two cents worth, try considering the person to whom you are addressing! Unless you have been through her trauma, have felt her pain, and experienced her fears...you have no right to inflict your self-centered attitude in her direction! Live and let live is your credo...I think not!

[chook]

Sorry okto05 but you are so full of shit man, no decent thinking woman would put up with your "being bi is so much fun" attitude, cause I even doubt you are bi, maybe you should take the time to talk to some bi people and you might get a shock to learn on how they came to terms with actually being bi, and this crap about living on the edge..............all I can say to that is BULLSHIT you have never been there.

Chook

[m.in.heels&hose]

okto
i have a hard time beleiving anyone would have a "fuck you" attitude towards someone they love!
i am so glad when i told my wife (then girlfriend) she did not have this attitude


that has to be the most uncaring, self centered comment i have ever heard!!!


thank you for my :2cents: here
( it would have been a nickel, but i gave okto the other 3 cents to go buy a clue)

m.in.heels&hose :bibounce:

[RainbowBright]

you know okto... you have just proven why there are not alot of bi's out there who have come out.. we dont want to be treated in exactly that matter.. shame on you... maybe you should either find out what you really want and leave these boards alone.. or leave all together.. no offence.. but i for one dont need that kind of attitude.. life is complicated and hard and emotional enough!!!

bright :mad: :disgust:

[codybear3]

Well, being bi is so much fun, this is the deal all of my girls know that I go with the flow and if my girl doesn't like it she could go fuck herself and that is just the way it is, live and let live, living on the edge is so much fun. CHRIS


...uh-huh...the three pink elephants living in my backyard think you are the greatest creep..er,...chris

P.S. - I only wrote a comment just to give you something to whack-off to bitch... :bigrin:

[csrakate]

Okto,
Sorry...but yes...I am going to beat a dead horse.

The gig is up...the cards are on the table...the cat is out of the bag. The more I thought about your crass comment on this thread, the more I began to wonder who the hell you might be. So I checked your profile as well as some of your other postings (reprinted below for those who haven't done so...and it is word for word...not just a mass of typos on my part!)

Your profile states that you are 39...I hope the hell not!! Your writing style as well as your spelling are frightening for a man your age...so no...not 39.
Bisexual...possible...but more like a teenager getting his jollies posting on a bisexual site to me.

Do us all a favor and find a better place to play. The forum is intended for those who are willing to share their experiences and struggles as well as their successes and set backs and is not meant for someone to display their insensitive, albeit sometimes amusingly stupid, remarks.

The Wit and Wisdom of Okto:

"Well,l sometimes things are better the first time. I had a girl who made me get ass fucked while I was fucking her while I was sucking another guys cock live and let live but don't stop dreaming for another day"

"I like both men and women so for whatever reason the world needs to be divided is be on me get over it, and live life to the foolist sex is fun for both men and women besides my girl takes the strapon when I am bad and gives me a good ass fucking to keep me in line welcome to the new world."

"I am bi. I do it with guys up the ass and also let my girl do me because I do her up the ass it is a lot of fun so get over it"

"I collect Lionel Standard guage trains I have one that runs around my living room sealing my bi girl likes it to Chris"

[Mrs.F]

:bigrin: WOW! I thought I was being harsh and did hold back some the things I really wanted to say. Look at all the comments after mine. And look at Kate go again!!

okto05...I really hope you read all the comments and think about what your doing in life. You need some major help! Don't leave unhelpful advice for people who are in real need of help. You obviously are clueless about love, relationships, life and being bisexual! How many "girls" have you been through in your "39" yrs? If I were one of them I would have decked you and told YOU to fuck off!!

Live life to fullest there buddy!! :bowdown:

[red_riding_hood_27]

Thanks for all the advice. I have enjoyed reading all of your post. I am now in a month of finding out. I have good days and bad days. I seem to keep thinking of is there a time he is going to look at me and say you are not enough. It has helped to chat with other wives and also Bi's. I am trying to understand. I have bought several books now on Bisexuality and Dual Attraction. I have also bought one on Poly loves. I am online reading and looking for new toys to satisfy him in ways I never thought I would. I like to keep my marriage and my husband. Several of you have sent me private messages and that I thank you for. I need all the knowledge I can get to understand. I understand why he kept it secrete from me and the rest his friends. He seems to be doing a little better. He is more open about his life with me not just in that aspect of life. We have gotten closer on a different level. I told him I always knew there was a part of him he kept closed. He always denied it. It is freaky in a way I knew something just not this was it. He has some fears at times. I see it in his eyes. He fears I will leave him or think bad of him. I don't think bad of him. I just get mad that I did not have a choise 4 years ago.

Again I thank everyone. Even the Jackass. Because without those in the world we would not have anyone to laugh at :tongue: . He his hiding his own fears of the world and it shows. Thanks again for the laugh.

Well I am moving to Maryland soon. On Thursday the pack us up. So if I do not respond for a while it is because of the move. I hope all of you have a wonderful Holiday and New Year.

Loving
Angela

[RainbowBright]

unfortuatly kate, spelling doesnt really mean anything in reguards to the age of the person who is typing.. my husband cant spell as he is dislexic, but you are 100000 persent right.. his atitude and imaturaty certainly shows that he isnt all that old, nor in any kind of position to put his two cents worth in.

bright

[csrakate]

Angela,
Best of luck to you in your move.

You are making strides in your efforts to find acceptance of your husband and I admire your tenacity to find ways to understand and to learn. You have the right attitude, a great deal of love, and a very lucky spouse!

Take care and best wishes to you and yours during the holidays. Keep in touch when you are able!

Hugs,
Kate

[billy_campbell]

I found this site which seemed to have some of the same questions (with advice) that I have seen in this thread and other threads. The questions are:

Who can I talk to about living with a bisexual husband?
Can my marriage survive my lesbian love affair?
Is it common for men to enjoy anal sex even though they are not gay?
My wife wants a lesbian lover but I fear it would end our marriage
Why can't I stop looking at women?
Am I gay, straight or bi?
Could be he be cheating on me as well as being gay?
I am afraid that I might be gay
I am attracted to women but fantasise about men
I fantasise about a woman while having sex with my boyfriend
I'm scared that I might be gay
Is it common to be in a straight/bi relationship?
Is my friend really as heterosexual as he says he is?
Am I bisexual?
Is there a chance I could be bisexual?

Here is the site:
http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sex_relationships/ate/sexuality/600209.shtml

One more site with a good reference book:
http://www.hrc.org/Template.cfm?Section=Resources2&Template=/ContentManagement/ContentDisplay.cfm&ContentID=22663

[JohnnyV]

Billy,

Thank you for the links, and thank you for reviving this old thread from last year. It still seems so relevant to all our lives.

If possible, I would love to hear from some of the bi/straight couples on this site, to update us on how they've navigated these tough issues. In my case, my wife is comfortable with me and I'm the one who's still distraught about the correct limits of my sexual freedom within the marriage.

Love,
J