Surounded by loneliness....Are YOU?

[onewhocares]

I was going to post this thread earlier in the week but opted not to only because I did not have time. But dinner conversation tonight with a friend centered around the amount of time that I spend on line. I said that I found a group of people whom I have gotten to know and find I am part of a "family". She said that I do not spend nearly as much time with my real family as I do on line. In reality when I thought about it I guess part of the reason that I am here, if the truth be told is that I am lonely. I made a slight reference to this and she literally laughed at me...." You, you are lonely? Are you nuts? You are surrounded by more people than I can imagine, people who need you." I thought about that, and then it brought up a question that was asked of me earlier in the week..."Can you be married (or partnered or dating) and be lonely?" The person who asked this question of me is a single man who for what ever reason does not have a significant other in their life at this moment. I began thinking of this throughout the course of the week. At first my response would have innately been No, I am not lonely..I have work, family and friends. But when I really began a soul searching answer to this I said yes, I guess I can be. That I give so much to others, and well many have little time to share with me....be it a spouse, a lover, a family member or a friend.

So I pose this question to you all...Can you be in a relationship and still be lonely?

[Bluebiyou]

Surrounded by loneliness... sure... to some degree... we all choose our paths.
Yes online can be an addiction... it is also a hope.
I have had a love so deep... there is nothing I would/could deny her. I choose to be with someone who loves others as intensely as I love. Do I love her as much as aforementioned girl? No way! All life is compromise, feeling, and decision. The older we get, the less perfect the 'blend' appears or feels.
Remember the movie 'Titanic' where the kid accepts his decision/death in the hopes of 'Rose' making it? We are all at different points of every imaginable measuring stick of life and love.
Life is risk.
...and you are one of the more wonderful people in this mess, onewhocares.

I have some friends who challenge me by being better people... I have some that challenge me by manipulation of their private issues... I tend to ignore the later in favor of the former.
You're just 'awash' now in the bottomless/topless pit of meaning, that's all.
Your 'friend' sounds manipulative, working to their own purpose/end not your benefit/enlightenment/growth.
Best wishes,
Blue

[BrotherJack]

I was going to post this thread earlier in the week but opted not to only because I did not have time. But dinner conversation tonight with a friend centered around the amount of time that I spend on line. I said that I found a group of people whom I have gotten to know and find I am part of a "family". She said that I do not spend nearly as much time with my real family as I do on line. In reality when I thought about it I guess part of the reason that I am here, if the truth be told is that I am lonely. I made a slight reference to this and she literally laughed at me...." You, you are lonely? Are you nuts? You are surrounded by more people than I can imagine, people who need you." I thought about that, and then it brought up a question that was asked of me earlier in the week..."Can you be married (or partnered or dating) and be lonely?" The person who asked this question of me is a single man who for what ever reason does not have a significant other in their life at this moment. I began thinking of this throughout the course of the week. At first my response would have innately been No, I am not lonely..I have work, family and friends. But when I really began a soul searching answer to this I said yes, I guess I can be. That I give so much to others, and well many have little time to share with me....be it a spouse, a lover, a family member or a friend.

So I pose this question to you all...Can you be in a relationship and still be lonely?

This is an interesting question to pose. as a heterosexual woman, married to a heterosexual man (who I am going to divorce), and the mother of three heterosexual children, and caring about another heterosexual person, a long way away, what would i have to make me lonely? I have friends, interests, and a reasonable amount of artistic abilities...and i guess I am intelligent. So why would I be lonely.

It does not matter how many people one is surrounded by, for being alone is not the same as being lonely. There is the loneliness that resides deep within our psyche, spirit, soul, mind...call it what you will. This loneliness is with us constantly, like a parrot sitting upon a pirate's shoulder. It travels with us where'er we go. It is like sitting in the void. Totally alone with the universe, before its creation. It is a sigh, a frown, a looking into space, through and beyond whoever or what ever is in front of one.

Someone, who lives a long way from me, cannot see how i can feel lonely. I have children, and although a failed marriage, at least someone in the house. I have children I look after....yet even when I am laughing and joking with them, I still feel the loneliness. One can be desperately in love, and still feel the loneliness within.

I'ts not an easy thing to describe, and this loneliness does not mean we are depressed, or likely to not enjoy the company of others. It is just within..and only we, as individuals, can know when it is gone. It just is!

[shameless agitator]

Absolutely you can. The loneliest I've ever been was while I was involved in a relationship. There have also been times I was completely alone yet not lonely. It has more to do with a feeling of something being missing than the presence or absence of others.

[Bluebiyou]

What BrotherJack says is true also.
It's normal to doubt your self... even at the best of times....
yet... as in BrotherJack's case...
..."when it's over, it's over"

take some time... someone as sensitive as you... I'm sure you WON'T miss the mark/truth!

[BrotherJack]

What BrotherJack says is true also.
It's normal to doubt your self... even at the best of times....
yet... as in BrotherJack's case...
..."when it's over, it's over"

take some time... someone as sensitive as you... I'm sure you WON'T miss the mark/truth!

And let us not forget, that is is usually those of us that appear so confident in public, and people assume to be so sure about everything, that carry this loneliness within.

It doesn't stop us having our beliefs, or speaking out when we disagree etc.....it is a totally separate part of our psyche...and yet so closely connected to the rest of all that we are....and one doesn't have to be a psychologist to work that out.

[ShyBritInMI]

nice to have a topic that isnt sexual or crude in some way, to answer your question it is possible to be lonely even though you are surrounded by people be it loved ones or family and friends. I have been married for 7 years this september, ironically enough 3 days before the 7th anniversary my divorce will be final. I love my wife, she left me and it was not because of cheating. As well as being married to her I felt married to her whole family, there was never anytime for 'us' as a couple. Our lives revolved around her familys plans as mine were far away in Ireland. I made a commitment to be with her and felt trapped in many ways as all I had were her friends and then her overbearing family.

If you spend all your time running around to see your family and friends, but your family and friends do not make the time to spend their time with you, then yes you can feel lonely and depressing whether you have a spouse or partner or even a lover or close friend. If nobody is making time for you personally it can damage your own self worth and make you feel very unimportant, something which I am going through, but the only way I think to fix that is get out there in the world and meet new people and make new friends that want to give back to you what you seem to give to others surrounding you right now.

[Germanicus]

I think the online world is somewhat lonely, or more isolating, compared to the real world. I've been online for 10 years and have always regarded it as a useful tool to do my work, but its just a means to an end, not the end in itself. Its no substitute for real world interaction

There are too many people out there in the online world looking for answers, feeling isolated and lonely, pretending to be themselves (or someone else), vainly hoping that some online friend or some website will have the "answer" to life, the universe and everything. They might argue that they are running towards something, but often I get the impression they are running away. There is no philosopher's stone, digital or otherwise.

The answers are within, not without.

Log off and switch yourself on!

[**Peg**]

speaking personally Belle, I was... in a marriage of 23 years. He did not respect me nor himself and so I left. All my family died. YOU bunch are now my family. I am accepted here even though I'm *gasp* straight (j/k).

I'd be lost without all the wonderful friends I've made online (here and in another chat room). Alone doesn't necessarily mean lonely either. I had no idea how strong I was until I struck out on my own at age 55. I wouldn't recommend waiting THAT long for anyone who is presently unhappy and feeling they need to leave. :bigrin:

>hugs<

**Peg**

[kv201]

Dear Onewhoares,

Yes, one can deffinetly feel lonely when they are around others. Especially if you doing so much giving and little or none is comming back to you. It's not the number of nor kinds of relationships that surround you. Its the degree of intimacy and unconditional support we give and recieve in those relationships.

What a coincidence last night I was at my nephews girlfriends 30th B-day party and experienced that exact feeling of lonliness. Everyone seemed to have a partner except me. I'm 42 and just recovering from 2 separate open heart surgeries. Never been married, but would like to try it. Healthwise I'm doing quite good doctors are supprised at my progress. After, nearly dying twice on the operating table I can tell you how precious our time on earth really is, and every little gesture we make toward learning about Love, by taking risks and experimenting, and then being honest with ourselves goes a long way toward our total learning and healing.

I agree with post earlier that online is no substitute for the real world.Also, there has to be open communication and freedom in the relationship, there is no Love without freedom we must not kid ourselves. I think this is why friendships last longer because we put less restrictions/judgements on them.

All the best, Onewhocares. And Peace Always kv201

[frenchvikki]

The world is full of loneliness. Like anyone else I am prone to such times and grapple desperately with it. This site plays its part in helping me. In general however I have good life when such moments are infrequent but when they do arise there are times when it has helped me enormously. I do not let this site or the net play a predominant role, more I use them as a tool in my life which is both useful and necessary professionally and personally.

[MissyMissy]

I am very lonely at times and have been for long time in my marriage as well as alone everyday as most of my friends have moved away. But I am making new friends slowly as I separate myself from the marriage I am in. My husband did not want to work on things. He is the kind of man who will do it when he feels like it only, not very much a person who wants to work together. I spent 2 years alone trying to fix the marriage losing some friends along the way because I put up with him. But I always felt marriage is a big step and worth fighting for. but no more. I enjoy spending time online killing time meeting people and laughing when I haven't much to do right now anyways. I was always crying in my marriage wondering what I did wrong. There may have been a few things for the most part it wasn't my fault. I deserve attention. I work hard. i give alot. I am smart. I am beutiful in many ways.
So I am taking my time and slowly meeting new people.
Melissa

[Eddie altamonte]

Loneliness is not about numbers of people you interact with but more with the conection that you develop with yourself and others Many people live there lives running from themselves other are very comfortable in being introspective and savor their time by themselves You could be with hundreds or thousand of people and feel lonlier than if you were on Mars Sometimes you can be by yourself and feel connected to God and the Universe. Think High School with all the peer pressure and the desire to be accepted. That was probably a very lonely time in my life I was trying to figure out who I was and I was no wallflower by any definition but I felt lonely. Today I fight lonliness to a great degree because of not having someone who I am just me and they love me for who I am with full acceptance. My kids fulfill that but they will be taking their own path on life someday soon and the void will remain. I am not needy or selfish I am just ...lonely

[ready2tryit]

My first time posting here. This thread really came to me at a time when I needed to face up to some stuff. I've been in an unhappy marriage for over 9 years now and I've been trying to figure out how to leave. I tell people that I would rather be alone than be lonely and with someone. So yes, it's possible to be surrounded by people and still be lonely. I've determined that my loneliness is just that I know something is missing in my life. No one but you can make you feel whole.

[raistkit]

belle: what an excellent question. hope i don't kill another thread, cause you have posed one of the best questions i have seen here in a long time. i to am surrounded by family and friends, sometimes it seems as though i have no time to myself, yet when everyone else has something to do i do feel lonely. so i taught myself how to be alone, but not lonely. when i have time to myself i do nice things for me, bubble baths, maybe 3hrs of csi. it might sound trite, but yes it is possible to feel lonely in the best of circumstances. do something nice for yourself, go ahead be selfish. hey i once orded $40.00 worth of take away for me , myself, and i. know what we had a great time.

take care kit

[ShyBritInMI]

belle: what an excellent question. hope i don't kill another thread, cause you have posed one of the best questions i have seen here in a long time. i to am surrounded by family and friends, sometimes it seems as though i have no time to myself, yet when everyone else has something to do i do feel lonely. so i taught myself how to be alone, but not lonely. when i have time to myself i do nice things for me, bubble baths, maybe 3hrs of csi. it might sound trite, but yes it is possible to feel lonely in the best of circumstances. do something nice for yourself, go ahead be selfish. hey i once orded $40.00 worth of take away for me , myself, and i. know what we had a great time.

take care kit

It is very important to make time for yourself, when my wife left me I didnt know what to do with myself, but then I went shopping alone and bought things I wanted to buy...a little selfish maybe but something i didnt do when i was married was to think of myself. The night my wife left me with our children i was very sad but i did the same thing....went and ordered some take out just for me and calmed down and watched a movie, dont ever think you are not worth making yourself happy....because you are an awesome person!.

[Long Duck Dong]

lol only the lonely ..know the way I feel about you.......good song by roy orbison

but its true..... its very easy to become lonely in a crowd....... cos people mistake loneliness with being alone....... and in a relationship its very possible to be alone.......

many of the people I know, talk about being in relationships cos they need somebody to love and to be able to share their love......and they assume that it is the norm for everybody.....but its not true......

a internet site family like the bisexual.com family can touch that area inside of us that a real life family can't... places even a real life lover can not touch.......
but cos a lot of people base their lives around their familes, partners and lives....they fail to understand how life can be for some of us.....

there is a point where the simple art of communication, sharing, chatting, joking, laughing, crying and being yaself.....is not always possible in the real world and in a net site, and chatroom, you can do it, freely.....

its a bit hard to joke and flirt and laugh about being bisexual with family and friends in the real world cos enuf they will not understand or share our views.....but in their minds, we understand and share theirs....... and in a chatroom / website, often we are not talking about the issues that we face in real life, we put them aside....and enjoy free time with our online friends

tho its very rare to see me in the chat....I used to enjoy my time in the chat....cos rarely did I have to hear about LGBT rights and racial / sexual rights and smoking v's non smoking, politics etc etc etc.... but outside of the chat...its on the tv, its on the radio, its on the news sites and its who a lot of real life people are constantly talking about.....and it gets a lil boring after a while

I stopped contact with a lot of LGBT people that I know cos they were just constantly talking about LGBT stuff.... non stop.......

so yeah its easy to become lonely in a crowd.....in the same way you can become alone in a relationship........cos its not about the sex, the affection the cuddles and the hugs....... its about the right to cry, burp, fart, snort.... the simple things like reading a book then forgetting what page you were on just as the book gets really interesting...... having ya cat bite ya toes right at the high point of a very erotic dream.......making the best looking coffee of your life... the perfect coffee than realising that you had forgot to boil the jug first and you just made it with cold water......going to mcdonalds and having half ya burger fall into ya lap

its the things like that, that we laugh and joke about in chat....but in real life, we curse and mumble and get annoyed, angry, upset........

many people would know what I mean.......they would understand........and they would realise....* hey my life is a bit alone....my friends called laughter, humour and giggles are hanging out in the chatroom.....not in my life.... *

yes... we have a family in bisexual.com.....and yes we are surrounded by loneliness....but its cos we are not the only ones whose friends * laughter, humour and giggles * don't hang with us enuf anymore.....and *open minded acceptance and understanding * are friends that we all need.....but sadly...many people have them as distant friends........and that is why our real life family and friends don't understand why we are surrounded by loneliness.... its cos some of our friends are missin......

hugs

[BronzeBobby]

To be honest, I think your friend is pointing to something true and serious. It sounds like you are spending too much time online. When people close to you start noticing it, and you yourself start to feel strange, these are real signs. Loneliness is a real problem but it sounds like you're making the problem worse by trying to alleviate it over the Internet. Go cold turkey, stay off this site and go meet new people in real life; catch up with old friends; re-energize your real life. Life online isn't real, as fun as it may seem at times.


I was going to post this thread earlier in the week but opted not to only because I did not have time. But dinner conversation tonight with a friend centered around the amount of time that I spend on line. I said that I found a group of people whom I have gotten to know and find I am part of a "family". She said that I do not spend nearly as much time with my real family as I do on line. In reality when I thought about it I guess part of the reason that I am here, if the truth be told is that I am lonely. I made a slight reference to this and she literally laughed at me...." You, you are lonely? Are you nuts? You are surrounded by more people than I can imagine, people who need you." I thought about that, and then it brought up a question that was asked of me earlier in the week..."Can you be married (or partnered or dating) and be lonely?" The person who asked this question of me is a single man who for what ever reason does not have a significant other in their life at this moment. I began thinking of this throughout the course of the week. At first my response would have innately been No, I am not lonely..I have work, family and friends. But when I really began a soul searching answer to this I said yes, I guess I can be. That I give so much to others, and well many have little time to share with me....be it a spouse, a lover, a family member or a friend.

So I pose this question to you all...Can you be in a relationship and still be lonely?

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

THE ANSWER TO THIS IS YES, BELLE. :(
I AM IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A MAN, AND HAVE BEEN FOR FOUR YEARS NOW. HE LIVES AND BREATHS FOR HIS COMPUTER GAMES. FROM THE TIME HE AWAKENS OR ENTERS THE HOUSE, HIS DESTINATION IS HIS COMPUTER. NO MUCH ELSE MEANS ANYTHING TO HIM. I HAVE TRIED TO GET HIM TO EAT AT THE DINNER TABLE, BUT HE BOLTS HIS FOOD LIKE A RAVENOUS WOLF AND GETS BACK ON THE COMPUTER ASAP. HE IS ADDICTED TO IT, AND WHEN I COMPLAIN OR MAKE A COMMENT ABOUT IT, HE SIMPLY SAYS, "ITS WHAT I DO AND WHO I AM" I JUST GAVE UP ON COMPLAINING.....

I SIT IN HIS OFFICE(WHERE HIS TV IS) AND WATCH TV ALONE, FOR HE IS TURNED AROUND PLAYING ON-LINE GAMES,(POGO) AND TALKING TO WOMEN. I CAN RARELY GET HIM TO DO ANYTHING(OUTSIDE OF GOING WITH ME TO THE SWAP MEET EVENTS I WORK AT. IN ALL OF THE FOUR YEARS THAT WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER, WE HAVE WENT TO THE THEATER(MOVIE) EXACTLY ONCE. ITS RARE THAT HE WILL TURN AROUND AND WATCH A MOVIE THAT I HAVE RENTED.
ITS VERY LONELY AND EVEN WHEN HE'S HERE, HES NOT HERE. WE ARE ISOLATED IN A TINY COASTAL TOWN WHERE I DONT KNOW MANY PEOPLE, SO THAT MAKES IT ALL THE LONLIER(SP)
A PERSON CAN BE SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS, LOVED ONES AND LOVERS, CAN HAVE THE BUSIEST WORK LIFE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD AND STILL FEEL LONELY.
I KNOW ITS TRUE, FOR I LIVE IT EVERYDAY.
BUT NOT FOR LONG......
CAT

[Herbwoman39]

We are, all of us, alone within ourselves. You can be surrounded by people and still be completely alone, if that makes any sense to you.

What alleviates the loneliness is finding peace within yourself. When you can find contentment with your real life, that sadness will be alleviated.

I'm a recovering chat addict. When I was married to my first husband, I wanted to be anyone else but myself. So I became highly involved in chat rooms spending as much as 14 hours a day online. Those people became my family and I would quite honestly be dead without some of them.

But the problem is that the virtual world became my ONLY world. In my search for happiness I avoided my real life because it was the cause of misery.

You've got to find what makes you happy in the three dimensional world. Go to the theater, art exhibits, movies...whatever floats your boat. Find the joy in the REAL world. Once you find the joy in your life, you'll find that some of that loneliness really does go away.

What helped me recover from my addiction is that I actually took a break from chat rooms. Thats why you rarely see me in chat. I stayed in touch via email and forums, but for six months, I didn't go into a chat room. That time allowed me to get my life back and find myself again. I *did* have literal withdrawl symptoms during the first couple weeks. I actually had tremors and a couple anxiety attacks over not getting online to chat. It was pretty bad for a little while.

Just consider what I've said and see if the idea of leaving chat rooms for that long makes you feel uneasy. If you want to talk more about this, drop me a PM.

[runewlf]

I used to chat alll the time as well. Had to take a break, now it is much easier to spend time in the real world.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

OOPs Sorry, didnt mean to shout on that last thread of mine, Ya'll. The caps button was stuck on the blasted computer I was using. Again, my apologies.
Cat ^..^

[The Barefoot Contess]

One can definitely be lonely among people. I am surrounded by people most of the day. My good friends (about 4) are far away, in other countries. So my brother. The rest of my family is useless, and so are the rest of my friends.
I feel incredibly lonely, emotionally, intellectually, existentially. Most of the times I can handle it pretty well (I do think one of the "truths" about humans is their inescapable loneliness) but every once in a while I have a complete mental breakdown because the pain of being alone seems unbearable. At times, it almost feels as if that pain was the only thing that made me feel alive. Loneliness (lack of close meaningful relationships) is one of the main reasons why I go to counseling.
I do not think that a healthy online "live" is less real that a "real" one. Emotions can be the same, as so many other things. You might argue that there is no "contact", yet I know from experience that sometimes you feel closer to people far away than to those with whom you share a space or even intimacy. The help and support (together with other not so nice gifts sometimes) that anonymous people might offer is VERY real, and it has VERY real effects on people.

[Bluebiyou]

THE ANSWER TO THIS IS YES, BELLE. :(
I AM IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A MAN...HE LIVES AND BREATHS FOR HIS COMPUTER GAMES. FROM THE TIME HE AWAKENS OR ENTERS THE HOUSE, HIS DESTINATION IS HIS COMPUTER. NO MUCH ELSE MEANS ANYTHING TO HIM. I HAVE TRIED TO GET HIM TO EAT AT THE DINNER TABLE... HE SIMPLY SAYS, "ITS WHAT I DO AND WHO I AM" I JUST GAVE UP ON COMPLAINING.....

I SIT IN HIS OFFICE(WHERE HIS TV IS) AND WATCH TV ALONE, FOR HE IS TURNED AROUND PLAYING ON-LINE GAMES,(POGO) AND TALKING TO WOMEN. I CAN RARELY GET HIM TO DO ANYTHING(OUTSIDE OF GOING WITH ME TO THE SWAP MEET EVENTS I WORK AT. IN ALL OF THE FOUR YEARS THAT WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER, WE HAVE WENT TO THE THEATER(MOVIE) EXACTLY ONCE. ITS RARE THAT HE WILL TURN AROUND AND WATCH A MOVIE THAT I HAVE RENTED.
ITS VERY LONELY AND EVEN WHEN HE'S HERE, HES NOT HERE. WE ARE ISOLATED IN A TINY COASTAL TOWN ...
A PERSON CAN BE SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS, LOVED ONES AND LOVERS, CAN HAVE THE BUSIEST WORK LIFE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD AND STILL FEEL LONELY.
I KNOW ITS TRUE, FOR I LIVE IT EVERYDAY.
BUT NOT FOR LONG......
CAT

Aw, Cat. I'm so sorry. I've been on both sides... where my 'loved' was more than meaning of life, but my 'love's' nature was taking/selfish/receiving only... not giving.
And I have bee the one loved and nurtured well beyond my deserving by someone willing to cut their chest open and offer me their dying heart (certainly the greatest gift), and I felt very little.
You are one of the children of the light. I don't see your light fading as long as you live.
It's true, us men retreat to our caves... (Men are from Mars...). If I'm in a relationship I must make (out of respect to/of love itself) honest and as frequent as possible efforts of love.
While I have little sexual attraction for my gf... I have such other valuable interest... meaning of life... that I am willing to offer to her as often as possible such love as I may sincerely give.
The older we get, the harder it is to remain 'on the path.'
Natural advantage of beauty and perseverance - slowly fall by the wayside.
Blue

[Mrs.F]

whocare-join a gym FAT american!

get off UR fat ass and go outside instead of being on computer all day long.

u just might meet ppl!

what if ur husband tell U "Loose some weight or Immma get a divorce!!!!!"

hmmm. You tell her to get off the computer and yet you have answered and have some nasty comment to every thread on here. Who needs to get out more? YOU, the small minded!

[jo69guy]

Has anyone noticed that tree55555 doesn't speak English very well? I just thought I would point that out. Once again, he needs to find someone else to bother. He doesn't have to reply to threads he doesn't like. :2cents:

[jo69guy]

Belle,

To answer your question, yes I think you can be surrounded and lonely at the same time. :2cents:

[onewhocares]

I am not sure what is going on here? It seems that there is a person who has some kind of issue with me...not sure why. I am not sure why his comment in my reply was addressed in this tread.

Ah well it seems that this is not the place to comment.

THANK YOU Drew for taking action.

Belle

PS....

I do not sit home on my ass all day...it is not a big ass by the way..I do go to the gym and kayak and am in good shape. BBW does not always mean FAT....I am big as in SIX FEET TALL. Hubby and lots of other people, both men and woman like the way I look.

[darkeyes]

Has anyone noticed that tree55555 doesn't speak English very well? I just thought I would point that out. Once again, he needs to find someone else to bother. He doesn't have to reply to threads he doesn't like. :2cents:
Sum peeps say that bout me..jeez...ya wud neva believe it wudya??? Don matta ne ways..Tree wos a bitta deadwood an all e talked wos bollox in ne case!

[darkeyes]

I am not sure what is going on here? It seems that there is a person who has some kind of issue with me...not sure why. I am not sure why his comment in my reply was addressed in this tread.

Ah well it seems that this is not the place to comment.

THANK YOU Drew for taking action.

Belle

PS....

I do not sit home on my ass all day...it is not a big ass by the way..I do go to the gym and kayak and am in good shape. BBW does not always mean FAT....I am big as in SIX FEET TALL. Hubby and lots of other people, both men and woman like the way I look.
Me dus wish u wud stop remindin me how tall ya r Belle me luff... don haff get me all hot n bothad!!!:bigrin: Yas luffly...no 1 took ne notice of wot e sed ne way...:tong:

[wolfcamp]

So I pose this question to you all...Can you be in a relationship and still be lonely?

Of course you can. If you have a longing, or an unfulfilled need that is not being satisfied by your partner, then you will feel that you are alone, or lonely. I think you hit on the key when you quoted your friend.

" You, you are lonely? Are you nuts? You are surrounded by more people than I can imagine, people who need you."

I notice that he said "people who need you". He didn't mention or ask what you need from those people. You can be surrounded by all the people in the world, but if they aren't fulfilling your needs, then they might as well not be there. You should ask yourself, What is it that I need that I am not getting?

Maybe the thing they are not giving you is simply the permission or encouragement to be the person that you need to be. Trying to be someone other than who you really are can be very lonely business.

Best wishes,
WC

[wolfcamp]

I am not sure what is going on here? It seems that there is a person who has some kind of issue with me...not sure why. I am not sure why his comment in my reply was addressed in this tread.


That person just had issues. Period. Don't take it personal. Anyway, it sounds like he has been dealt with. I wonder if he was the same person who was here a few months ago spewing the same kind of vitriol. That person was also bounced off the site.

[the mage]

Loneliness is born inside of you, not of your surroundings.

If your relationship is a front and you're not true friends, then yes you will both be lonely.

[ShyBritInMI]

I too hate people that call BBW's fat....big men call them selves 'muscular'if women said they were muscular we would freak out!...there is nothing wrong with being a BBW, i prefer them to skinny, self indulged women....and im sorry if you are skinny and not self indulged....i was not talking about you!.

American women are the most un judgemental people on the planet, if this leads to many nice women contacting me then hooray!....so calling my friend fat is not cool...he probably has never had sex with a BBW before...my favourite cuss is 'go fuck yourself' so thats all i will say to the guy.

Belle is a good person, she might be a giant in terms of height but dont call people fat....we dont call you retarded....oh i just did :tongue:...and yes tall women scare the shit out of me!.

[void()]

Loneliness is born inside of you, not of your surroundings.

If your relationship is a front and you're not true friends, then yes you will both be lonely.

I can agree to an extent with you. Then, I look at basic human needs. People need other people, simple fact.

So, yes we can each create loneliness within ourselves. There's also being alone in a room full of friends and family. Loneliness is as much external as internal, akin to good & evil, light and dark. Ya need both or get neither one.

How can you have dark if there is only dark?

[jem_is_bi]

No. I am not suronded by loneliness. My life is very full and with a combination of determination and luck it will stay that way til I am not.

[FerociousFeline]

I think that the feeling of isolation that we all have at one time or another is actually the result of our own Spirit telling us that something is wrong.

I could reference the works of many philosophers and artists who seem to unconsciously agree that the nature of being lonely is actually the result of the self not being well connected to the self.

The truth appears to be that the idea of "you complete me" no matter how romantic it may seem is ultimately in complete error. A better way of describing that situation is to stand in front of the mirror and look directly into our own eyes and THEN say, "You complete me".

The black hole that burns inside of us all cannot be filled with diversions of materialism or lust or acquisition of power etc. It can ONLY be filled up by connecting to one's higher self (possibly the Divine) and developing that relationship to a highly intimate degree.

No number of personal relationships will have any bearing on this equation at all. Often times people think that by surrounding themselves with more people that they will cease to feel the chill of isolation and subsequent sadness.

By contrast, those who have a well developed relationship with their higher self, will be those people who can paradoxically take.......or leave.......the company of others. They also seem to be the best lovers. For, as they know how to really love themselves, they also know how to love others.

This is one of the many reasons that I decided to basically "chuck" the labels situation. I found that I could wipe out many of the internal "snags" that I had in relation to myself, if, I were to wipe out all conditional aspects of the expression of my love. So now, I love myself, I love others...period. I don't care if they are male or female or somewhere in between. As I learn how to better love myself I find that the ache created by that black hole inside has faded. I have also discovered that in the process of loving others regardless of who they are and what they do, that I also wind up allowing the same kind of consideration for my love of myself. A sort of unilateral forgiveness, and unconditional love.

Hope this helps,

Love
FF

[Karmacoma]

onewhocares-This just means that you have to get out and experience life itself and interact with people and not stay on this site/chat room so much.

[Cdasue]

It's funny when people start saying people who chat need to stop chatting and get out in the real life more. I automatically want to pull out my soap box and start ranting and raving. Then I take a breath and think to myself, if they think that...why are they on a site that promotes chat?!?!?...Oh well never mind I say.

Great question and yes you can definately be lonely, even when you are surrounded by friends, family, significant other. I think people assume that because you have all that, one can't possibly be lonely, however, that can be when I am generally the most lonely.

I think loneliness is inside us. I am sometimes the most content and not lonely when I am by myself, enjoying something that truly makes my soul happy. From watching a family of geese, to sometimes just smelling my flowers in my garden.

When my soul is happy, I'm not lonely...:)

Oh yeah and spending some time here with you nuts! :)

[darkeyes]

.. am ne thin but lonely...hav a full an luffly life wiv peeps around me luffs an adores.. the net, .com, forums an chat r an adjunt 2 me life wich is important 2 me for many diff reasons. They r not the most important part an neva will b.. life in the real world an the livin of it r wot mattas most an no matta wot ne 1 believes an tries 2 claim, thats how it always will b...

[FerociousFeline]

Loneliness is not about numbers of people you interact with but more with the conection that you develop with yourself and others

Genius.

Yes. I have been lonely all my life. It wasn't until I realized that the only person who has the capacity, the ability, the strength or the power to fill that deep hole within.......is myself.

Most people do not recognize that this hole within is the direct result of their not making best friends/lovers out of themselves. We all must recognize that the Divine put within us everything we need to survive. Most of us agonize for years trying to fill a hole within that only we ourselves can fill. That empty space within is reserved for a union between myself and my creator. Once I realized that I am not a half, but instead a WHOLE (with part of me being the regular me and the other part of me being me with the piece of the Creator that he/she/they/it placed inside of me) I began to see my life and my interaction with the world in general in a far FAR different way.

When I say that we must learn to LOVE ourselves....this is exactly to what I refer. That hole inside will not--CAN NOT.......go away or be filled in any other way. This hole is what causes failed relationships. People bond together hoping that the other person will somehow fill that aching hole within, and when it doesn't, those relationships fall apart. Those who have filled this hole with the essence of the Divine find that they have even more love for themselves AND others than before. Many Poly people have successfully realized this....it's why they do not see love as something that can possess.

When a person fills this hole with a union between them and the Divine, they go from being hole, to being WHOLE. The difference is in the W. (which is why some astrologers and philosophers believe that the "sex" of our spirit is actually female. (for ALL of us). Make sense?

As for online relationships, well, they work well because when we have discovered ourselves, and our higher selves, then we become whole. Once we begin to be WHOLE, then we can share that love with others. The sharing of LOVE (which is an energy....a LIFEFORCE) isn't as effective online as it is in person, but, our interaction in the manmade virtual world is NOT without tremendous benefit. Like anything else, it should be a PART of your diet, but it isn't good to try to make it ALL of your diet.

An excercise which might help you to "see" what I am talking about is this:

When I had a SEVERE panic attack regarding being abandoned by someone I loved, I had a guardian Angel, or Spirit Guide come to my rescue and SHOW me that it was actually ME who was abandoning myself. I looked for the child within and when I found him, I treated him as if he were my boy. I dried his tears and promised him that I would NEVER LEAVE HIM.

I know that sounds kinda "out there", but it's the truth. It worked. Now, when left to be all alone, I finally realized that I am NEVER actually all alone. I have the relationship with my little cherub, the me of me's who will play games and sing songs and go swimming and eat too much popcorn or WHATEVER. We must all find and hold the child within and learn how to be both the child and the adult .......of ourselves. Once we can do this, we will only bring love and light to all around us.


Love,
FF

[GreenEyedLady(GEL)]

Jude -
Far as I can tell you are very new here, and you seem to post in in threads or start threads that run a tad bit negative. You obviously do not know Belle, or those of us who love and adore her regardless of the fact that the majority of us have yet to hug her in person. Your attitude sucks, and your comments to this thread seems really necessary , granted you have a right to your opinions but they really are left field.

[bigirl_inwv]

WhoCares-This means you spend too much time on this site caring about people who don't give a damn about you.

People on this website have way too much blind faith in strangers who they'll never meet and strangers who don't give a damn thing about them or their life and just pretend that they do when you're on here or in the chat room.


I'd much rather have blind faith than blind rage. :2cents:

[jamieknyc]

I'd much rather have blind faith than blind rage. :2cents:

That aside, many of the people here are very real and sincere, even if we won't get to meet most of them live.

[onewhocares]

First...it has been a while since I have checked into this thread I started. I started it as a result of a conversation with two others on this site. Both people who have full, complete lives with family and friends, friends in person and on this site. Never would I have suspected that one person, so full of comment, rage, self hatred would post to this thread. I am NOT seeking anything from this thread but pershaps to give those who may have been a tad lonely a place to express themselves. I shall never ever justifiy my life with some nut who seeks only to create havoc amoungst us all.

One thing this moron does not know is that I am the one who is the lucky one, for I have been blessed with many wonderful friends from this site. Ones whom I know I could call in the middle of the night and they would move mountains to get to me if they thought I was in need...from New Jersey, to Ohio, to California , to Texas, to Florida and all the vastness of our beautiful country. OH...did I forget those in England, Ireland, Aussie and New Zealand, China and India. I am a believer in..what you get is what you give, and I am just a friend, nothing more...A true friend.

Belle

[onewhocares]

Silly man......Remember....I am the one who has met many people from this site, and NO before you insinuate it yet again.....meeting DOES NOT mean having sex with for your information.

[twisted sister]

dear belle: thanks for starting a great thread, yes it is possible to have a very full life, and still feel lonely. the key is knowing how to be alone, and not yet lonely. liking yourself is the first step, doing things you enjoy just for yourself is the second step. the third step is the hardest (don't think i have to tell you this:)) it's opening yourself to to the world, and people around you. basically the more you give the more you receive. the ones i feel sorry for are those who will never be at peace with themselves. the need to sow discord must be an onerous thing, glad it's not my job. just keep on being you, we love your light around here.

[onewhocares]

Just wanted to thank Twisted Sister for the comments to this thread. It was started with one intention and it has managed to find a home of its own. I am glad that many people have found food for thought on this subject. I agree with everything TS said, but also know that everyone has times of searching and feeling lonely. Looking within yourself has been a good starting point for inner answers. I blush when I read your comments about my persona...I am not anything special, but rather just an average person who takes pride in the fine relationships I have formed on this site.

Belle

[BreeIsMe]

Belle,
the answer to your question is abolutely YES!!!
"lonliness" is a function of emtional support not physically having people "around you" You can have one other person in your life who answers all your emotional needs and NOT be lonely (or even be by yourself and be emotionally happy and not lonely), but you can be surrounded by people with relatively superficial relationships that have no real depth and be emotionally extremely lonely. I have experienced both situations personally.
You, however, are a wondeful person and if you associate with others who are similar (such as many on this site) you will never be lonely.
I hope I can be one of those friends!

Love, Hugs, and Kisses,
Bree

[someotherguy]

I'm alone almost always being a loner, but only sometimes lonely. If I get to feeling lonely I remind myself I could go live someplace among people who accept bisexuals. And someday I might just do that, if I find a place like that. But for now the isolation is protective. It spares me the hassle of being rejected, or hiding in their midst. I have my sock puppet and that is enough.

[wanderingrichard]

yes, i am, Belle.

however i must agree with both Bree and SomeotherGuy's sentiments. they've come closest to expressing my sentiments and life experience.

[Lonewolf76]

First...it has been a while since I have checked into this thread I started. I started it as a result of a conversation with two others on this site. Both people who have full, complete lives with family and friends, friends in person and on this site. Never would I have suspected that one person, so full of comment, rage, self hatred would post to this thread. I am NOT seeking anything from this thread but pershaps to give those who may have been a tad lonely a place to express themselves. I shall never ever justifiy my life with some nut who seeks only to create havoc amoungst us all.

One thing this moron does not know is that I am the one who is the lucky one, for I have been blessed with many wonderful friends from this site. Ones whom I know I could call in the middle of the night and they would move mountains to get to me if they thought I was in need...from New Jersey, to Ohio, to California , to Texas, to Florida and all the vastness of our beautiful country. OH...did I forget those in England, Ireland, Aussie and New Zealand, China and India. I am a believer in..what you get is what you give, and I am just a friend, nothing more...A true friend.

Belle

Hi Belle!

I would have to agree with many of the others - yes you can be in a room full of people and still be lonely - I've found that when I feel that way - It usually means somethings missing - I have to search for what that "Something " is and once I resolve that - I don't feel that lonliness any longer. But that's just me - everyone is different.

Wow - Looks like we can add the names of Tree55555 and Judequinn to the "Troll Scrolls" along with Virginiadarelives and the infamous Blackfever. I guess all things in life are a balance. We have a large number of great people here - It's only natural for such positive energy to attract a few neaderthal trolls (I probably shouldn't say that - it gives Neanderthals a bad rap!). And just for the record darlin - You can add LW in Colorado to that list of folks who would move mountains for you if needed. Excellent question - you probably pissed off the trolls because they didn't have the brain cells to come up with a question like that on their own. Keep smilin sweetie!

[frikidiki]

"I've spent my whole life surrounded, and I've spent my whole life alone."
-- The Bravery, "Unconditional"

I'm sure from reading that quote you know where I stand on this issue. That song in whole or part sums up many people's search for love and understanding. I've been struggling with loneliness my whole life, and believe me, it hasn't been a picnic. I'm not playing violins here, either--sympathy is no substitute for what I feel has been missing.

This leads me to a very good question--what exactly is missing? Love? I've said before in another post that I feel love is more than just a feeling, and anyone who knows me can't truly say I'm not a loving person. Connection? The fact that anyone welcomes my greetings or comes looking for me to see what I've been up to, shows me that I've made all the connection I need. Understanding? My brother and one friend rib me all the time about my sexuality and other things that are somewhat unique about me; and they're funny enough jokes that I laugh. Company? See above; also, I enjoy solitude quite a bit (not enough to want it exclusively, but let's just say that in another life I could've been a monk).

My problems have been confidence and effort. These are second-nature to many people, but many others suffer because of their lack of these. I've since gotten over them for the most part--it took a lot of growing up and into my brain and heart; not dwelling on things like fear, pain, and disapproval; accepting myself for the principled freak I am; and being able to flip a hater off, so to speak.

The whole time I struggled, I was surrounded. I didn't believe anyone felt like I did or could ever understand. The reasons were many, but suffice to say I was made to feel that way by others. I still feel sometimes that nobody values the love and support of friends like me. Yet in those days of misery, I let so many pass me by because I didn't know how to see and value what I had. Now I know better. I looked around and realized I wasn't nearly as poor as I thought. For starters, I had my family. For seconds, I still have friendships with people I hardly get to see anymore. I had a moment in which I said, "What's the fucking problem?!" And life began--I was truly reborn. Now, instead of placing blame on others, I own the problem and work on living the solution.

What I also realized is that it, "seems I'm not alone in being alone" (The Police, "Message In A Bottle"). Other people may not only feel like I do, but inadvertently push other people away in the process. They may point to the island and tell you to be shipwrecked there, but they can't make you wander around by yourself cursing the day you were banished.

And now, at last, I arrive at your question: can someone be in a relationship and feel alone? Yes, but between any two people, it's often a cycle of self-absorption and distance. The only thing that turns this around is a combination of understanding--of the self as well as the other--patience, and communication. But the most important thing you can have is an appreciation of the people around you; without this, you're lost.

Just love them.

[12voltman59]

Hi Belle!

Wow - Looks like we can add the names of Tree55555 and Judequinn to the "Troll Scrolls" along with Virginiadarelives and the infamous Blackfever. !


Those were just several of our troll's many names--and if you check--both of these profiles and accounts were banned by Drew.

[frikidiki]

I'm about to go totally off topic...


PS...I do not sit home on my ass all day...it is not a big ass by the way..I do go to the gym and kayak and am in good shape. BBW does not always mean FAT...I am big as in SIX FEET TALL. Hubby and lots of other people, both men and woman like the way I look.

I'd like to say, respectfully, that just the fact that you're 6 foot tall makes you sound kinda sexy! :-P

One particular ex-girlfriend of mine was drop-dead gorgeous at about 5'10". She once said to her dismay that she was about 210 lbs (no, I didn't ask). She wasn't fat-looking, and not what I normally would call BBW (sorry), but had this luscious softness and curvaciousness--a well-distributed thickness, just so unbelievably delicious! She was a little muscular, but otherwise, I had no idea where all that weight could've been at. I once saw her lying naked face down on my bed and told her she should be painted just like that! I'll never forget that sight. It's just too bad that happens to be the best of my memories of her. :-(

[takashi.shimura]

Pardon me for getting into this thread so late, seems like it's been on-going since 2005.

I think when one puts everyone else's needs ahead of their own, be they children, friends family, on-line friends, co-workers, neighbors, it's easy to "lose yourself".

When many people are confronted with the fact they are in fact "lost", they tend to go thundering off into the bushes in search of something, anything; hopefully they shoot out onto the road , a bit scratched, tattered and torn. but hopefully none the worse for wear.

I've always thought there were two types of people.

Lions and leopards.

Lions are social, hunt together enjoy the company of the pride. It makes lions. It's a perfect social system for them.

I tend to be a leopard, I'm happy dragging a wildebeest up into a tree and hanging around alone for a week or so with the carcass, again a good social system.

Both are valid, but like Yin and Yang, when one is out of balance, confusion arises, loneliness can creep in and a sense of ennui and reflectiveness can cause chaos.

"Ran" by Kurosawa which is based on King Lear, translates as "Chaos"...I warned you.

I just had something arise this past week, I needed time alone, I didn't see anyone for three days so I could sort it out. I did my normal routine, ran around, had a ball, but the solitude helped me sort through what I needed be I in Starbuck's Newbury Comix, Nordstrom or Kappy's....I never stopped "sorting things out". It's done

Loneliness can set in no matter what our situation, what our arrangement.I could have easily dropped into a feeling of "loneliness" and "helplessness", but I have been culling out those who tend to drain me or drag me down.

Thoreau said we need to weigh the value of things by how much life we have to expend on them.

At a certain age we need to transition back to spending more of that life on US.

It's a normal thing, a normal reaction to the world it's our mind saying "I need time to myself", "I need time with people", "I need to sit and read a book", "I need to watch some obscure movie", "I need a hand job", "I'm going to have some Oreos and drink that Corton Charlemagne right out of the bottle"......whatever nebulous form it takes, it's our minds way of saying we need to alter our perspective and our priorities.EVERYONE has been lonely in a relationship at one point or another.

It's the reaction and how we handle it which makes the difference between the normal, temporary loneliness we all feel at some point and total alienation which tends to require some sort of RX to cure.

Dennis

[onewhocares]

At a certain age we need to transition back to spending more of that life on US.


Regarding the above comment.....Happy is the man who can look within to know that NOW is the time to make time for himself.


I must admit that I had forgotten this thread and yet so prolific that it should surface today of all days. Just this morning I was speaking of this very same subject and noted that this moment in each of our lives has finally come to me. Even with the hectic life I lead, and how others depend upon me often...now is the time for ME. I shall take one moment at a time, but enjoy each step of the journey.

Belle

[wyllowdaemon]

I was going to post this thread earlier in the week but opted not to only because I did not have time. But dinner conversation tonight with a friend centered around the amount of time that I spend on line. I said that I found a group of people whom I have gotten to know and find I am part of a "family". She said that I do not spend nearly as much time with my real family as I do on line. In reality when I thought about it I guess part of the reason that I am here, if the truth be told is that I am lonely. I made a slight reference to this and she literally laughed at me...." You, you are lonely? Are you nuts? You are surrounded by more people than I can imagine, people who need you." I thought about that, and then it brought up a question that was asked of me earlier in the week..."Can you be married (or partnered or dating) and be lonely?" The person who asked this question of me is a single man who for what ever reason does not have a significant other in their life at this moment. I began thinking of this throughout the course of the week. At first my response would have innately been No, I am not lonely..I have work, family and friends. But when I really began a soul searching answer to this I said yes, I guess I can be. That I give so much to others, and well many have little time to share with me....be it a spouse, a lover, a family member or a friend.

So I pose this question to you all...Can you be in a relationship and still be lonely?

Absolutely. I love my husband but at times I feel lonely and not understood because it is hard to be different and viewed as an outcast for your sexuality or your beliefs. This is not always the case, I have good times and bad but sometimes it is lonely when you feel that others do not get what you are going through. :bibounce: