Dating Advice: How do you know if/when you're going too fast?

[Bi_Druid]

Ok, I guess I'm mostly writing this in the hope that you guys and gals are somewhat better and more experienced at the whole dating thing than I feel I am myself.

The question really is as in the title, When does one know if/when one is taking things too fast, or not even fast enough?

I've met this lovely guy, via on-line, who when I first met him I did have my prior reservations, and was telling myself to behave, and we'd probably only end up friends which is all good, and he didn't really look to really be my type as such on the profile, and I got moving and course work and lists of other things more important, make a friend but don't shag him cos then you'll soon lose interest and stop speaking to him...yadda yadda yadda.
It turns out he was telling himself much the same before hand.

Then we meet, and we get along awfully well. It's almost like we've already known each other for years and just not seen each other for a while, like we'd already worked out all our individual quirks and boundaries and so on. Like a re-union of good old school chums after a few years apart.

The thing is, and we're both kinda fearing this, is that we seem to have gotten on so fantastically well so phenomenally quickly. I mean, after our third date we were, much to our own telling ourselves to slow down, were already talking about having babies and meeting the parents and even moving in.

Are we taking things to fast? Or is this really meant to be and lets just go with the flow and start making arrangements for marriage?

Please help

[webebi]

When it is right it is right and if you both are that committed then go with the flow. Met my wife and in three weeks we were engaged and 36 years later we are still married. Time and speed is a unknown, waiting and over analyzing can destroy the relationship and put to many questions and negative thoughts and mind sets. Go with the heart and your feelings.
Just my thoughts that have paid off for us.

[DiamondDog]

This is a very subjective question. I myself and friends of mine have had sex with people first and then we started dating/having a relationship, and things worked out very well.

People will tell you not to do this but go with your own judgement. Some people can do this and some can't or don't want to.

Don't let the internet become a total fantasy either, like building up expectations or assumptions about people before you've met them face to face. Too many people do this with the internet/personal ads and then when they meet the person/people in real life they're deeply dissapointed when the person/people don't live up to their expectations.

[shameless agitator]

Personally, if somebody was talking marriage and babies after 3 dates I'd run for the hills, but then I've been burned a few times by letting my heart take the lead. Best advice I can give (which I'm generally loathe to do) would be to just keep dating for now. Let the novelty wear off and get to know each other better & see where it goes. If y'all are still thinking along those lines in 6 months, send me a wedding invitation.

[DiamondDog]

Personally, if somebody was talking marriage and babies after 3 dates I'd run for the hills, but then I've been burned a few times by letting my heart take the lead. Best advice I can give (which I'm generally loathe to do) would be to just keep dating for now. Let the novelty wear off and get to know each other better & see where it goes. If y'all are still thinking along those lines in 6 months, send me a wedding invitation.

Agreed. I wouldn't think along those lines for years, and I'd beware of anyone who does that on the 1st date/first time you meet them as it's a huge red flag.

Also beware of people who do nothing but shower you with far too many compliments at the start of a relationship and also beware of those that want to alienate/cut you off from friends/family/everyone in your life.

:2cents:

[Bi_Druid]

sorry, this latest post seems to have gotton confued some where along the lines.

we were'nt talking about babies on the first date, babies and marriage came on the 3rd/4th, and I myself was just as guilty of bringing up the subject, was a mutual thing.

as for alienation and such like, that is miles from the situation. if anything, we are wanting to meet each others' family. we've been making plans to introduce each other to our families and build lots of lovely bridges, not barriers. I've been introduced to some of his friedns already, and I can't wait to introduce hiim to yet more of my circles of old friends. only thing stopping me from that are most of my current friends are a good 2 counties away, but i will be introducing him to them, even if only on line to start with due purely to geography.

Sorry if somewhere i gave anyone the wrong impresion of what was going on.

we've kinda found ourselves happily in a stablle relationship with each other, with a very promising future, mixing and intergrating each others circles of friends as much and a often as possible. it is likely he'll get to meet my family before i his, due again to geography working against us a bit (my family is a good 2hr train ride along the coast (1 1/2 on a quick service) while his are over in Ireland, so a darn sight greater journey and planning to get to), but we're happy to do so and can't wait :)

As for babies and marriage and such, as romantic the ideas and such, we are both practical of mind and realise we each need to work a lot of other more immediately pressing things in our lives first before bringing new ones into it first. We are putting the ideas on hold, for the moment.

[Bi_Druid]

seems I have given the wrong impression on here.

the question was more directed at am I going too fast.

we have slowed it right down, and settled into a gentle coast. in fact, it seems we have found ourselves in a quite happy equilibrium. neither of us are being in any way too needy. If anything we were Both trying to put the brakes on. This was a mutual thing that if any of us are to blame for anything, it is the both of us equally so.

as it stands, we feel we have found ourselves to both be quite happy with one another, and we are each sure in our own individual ways that we will at the very least both be really good friends for the far foreseeable future.

I'm sorry if somewhere I have confused or given you guys the wrong ideas, but I can assure you that neither of us are being needy, neither of us are being possessive, neither of us are in the least bit trying to alienate each other from our respective families/friends/lifestyles/etc.

the initial enquiry was aimed at myself, as I did NOT want to scare him off by going too fast myself

sorry for all this emphasis, I just wanted to make sure I had cleared things up and get the right picture across to people (an unfortunate weakness of forums I feel, the whole lack of personal interaction and interpretation).

In hindsight, thank you for all your help anyway. Thank you particularly webebi, I feel your advice was one of the most useful. But thank you all still all the same.

[still_shy]

OK, I'm going to jump into this one headfirst. I have quite a bit of experience with this subject actuallly. I also have a tendency to fall hard and fast. Everything seems so new and wonderful, we are so much alike, yada yada yada. I'm not making fun, I just know exactly where you're at. I'm going through it right this second with the girl I met.
My first relationship was just like that, I thought we were meant to be, so compatible and all that jazz- then after 6 or 7 months realized I was soo wrong. Then came my first husband, who I also fell hard and fast for. We were married within 3 months of meeting, were blissfully happy for around a year. By the time I realized what a horrible mistake I had made, I was pregnant and in too deep to just walk away. We had talked about all the important stuff, like morals and religion and seemed so compatible. But what I always forget is this----people are on their best behavior in the beginning of a relationship. We hide the flaws we think will scare the other party away because we are so into them, we just want to keep it going. It takes a long, long time for our true selves to come out. I may be wrong on this, it's just always been that way in my experience. When your emotions are guiding you, it's hard to put on the brakes. It may seem wonderful now, but the only true test of that is time. If you have to mentally tell yourself to slow down, then so be it. I think you are doing the right thing by recognizing that you are probably moving too fast and trying to slow it down. If things are meant to be, then they will remain the same 6 months to a year from now. That has always been my biggest problem-realizing that half the fun is the beginning stages and trying not to rush past it. Just relax, have a good time, and enjoy the ride!

[Bi_Druid]

Thank you Still_shy, that was a wonderfully thought out answer, we really feel you've hit the nail on the head there for us, thank you.


But what I always forget is this----people are on their best behavior in the beginning of a relationship. We hide the flaws we think will scare the other party away because we are so into them, we just want to keep it going. It takes a long, long time for our true selves to come out.

My bf would also like to say thank you for that particular reminder, as it is a very important point that is all too easy to forget.

[darkeyes]

Not 2 sure bout me attitude 2 this...sum peeps do like 2 take it easy wen buildin an makin relationships.. cant say me eva been like that...typical Fran..luff things 2 happen an happen now! Have neva felt rushed wen it cums 2 relationships.. not had that many that lasted 2 long in ne case.. an 1 wos a rite disaster in the end. A few in High School lasted a wile, an think we wer all glad at least initially of jus how fast things moved.. but the endins always left a bad taste in the mouth...

Since me left school mos relationships by far hav been very short usually 1 nite stands wich wer fun mostly, but neva wanted seconds 2 often... an a few short term fun things...me marriage wos closest me can say ther wos pressure... well.. me wos in luff an so wos e.. an we made the ghastly mistake a gettin wed...

If me eva had 2 go through pressure it wos from otha side.. me puttin pressure on Kate wen she moved in as me flatm8.. God me jus wos so determined 2 hav er an didn haff let er kno... an she seemed so determined me wosn gonna get er..wos only 1 nite wen she wos sozzed afta wot seems an age she finally succumbed... at 1st it wos jus 2 hav er.. shitty huh?? But she knos that... but didn take me 2 long 2 realise she wos jus moren a short term gud time. An no regrets eitha... well not from my side ne way..

So reely the world has all kinds..me jus 1 kind... othas do need time.. an need 2 take things slow.. an its the difference tween us all that makes peeps so fun an interestin...

[allbimyself]

It seems go to faster for us Bisexual. It's natural in my eyes. I confirm the relationship with my lover in one week. He asked me to marry him, I agree with my true feeling, but not the impulsion. I met him by chance when i browse the site Bimingle.com for fun at first , I was attracted. Things go on well till now. We are happy.

Thank you for coming here and filling these forums with your spam.

[Pearlindarkwater]

It's always risky to jump into things too quickly, but both of you seem to know that. I would say to go with your instincts, but acknowledge that things could change down the road and be flexible enough to deal with it if one or both of you needs some space to reevaluate. Communication is always essential to a relationshi[p, but in this case it could be particularly crucial to "keep a finger on the pulse of the relationship" so to speak and make sure you are both still happy and comfortable as you go forward.

Theres my Dr. Phil piece, take it or leave it : )

Hugz

[someotherguy]

It's supposed to happen fast.

[darkeyes]

It's supposed to happen fast.

Trubble wiv guys..it always happens 2 fast...:tong:

[Karmacoma]

If you have to ask random strangers online if you're moving too fast or are going too fast in a relationship then you are.

You should be dating this guy and getting to know him before actually having him as a boyfriend.

He seems way too needy and you don't even know each other and he wants to move in and adopt kids with you. If you don't see why this is a bad thing well, don't blame me when things go bad. :2cents:

[Bi_Druid]

Thank you ladies, for you seem to have actually read what I wrote and have come back with some well thought out answers. OK, points for the start of your reply also karmacoma, I see your point and we have been dating and getting to know each other, it all started as dating and getting to know each other. But alas the latter half of your seems to have missed the point and assumed again like many of the other males replies.


He seems way too needy and you don't even know each other and he wants to move in and adopt kids with you. If you don't see why this is a bad thing well, don't blame me when things go bad.

He's not being needy. It was ME who bought up the moving in together and stuff, it was ME who initiated the whole complicated kids discussion. Everything we've been nattering about we are BOTH EQUALLY responsible for, and this we are both aware of.