No win situation.

[sinep]

I am a MWM on the bi-courious side. I have had one experience and it was interesting and it occurred with another couple. My wife didn't know. Why - I had expressed an interest to her before and she went off the deep end. We have had gone to a swing club once and only participated between ourselves. She has, in fantasy, expressed being with another woman and other men but in real life she feels guilty. She is religious and she has been in struggles between what I think she would like to do and what she feels she has to do.
Anyway I had express the idea of experimenting on the bisexual side and she wanted to have nothing to do with it. She stated that if, and that "if" has since gone to a no, she was to bring in another male it would be for herself and not for me.
She has threatened and almost excuted a divorce due to this situation. I have too much to loose both finanacially and I would hate to be a part time father to my my daughter. Happy or not I will live out my commitment to the marriage.
With that said, I don't want to be labeled, " a cheating husband"! What choice do I have? I know that most will say go through with the divorce. My joy in the marriage is seeing my daughter every day and I won't compromise on that issue. She would also take half of everything I have and that would eliminate me from ever retiring.
So what is left is never fulfilling my desires or the title of "a cheating husband" I am sure that there are many husbands that are but I don't feel that I am one of them. So what would you do?

[eddy10]

I believe only YOU can answer your question. Life is full of compromise and decisions. You need to ask yourself what are your most important priorities. If you want to preserve your marriage and be with your daughter as she grows, I do not see much of a choice. You either bury your desires for a few years until your daughter is on her own, then reevaluate your options, or you became a cheat and take your chances. My advice is to hang in there a while longer.

[HighEnergy]

You will change your relationship with your wife with the lies. And that will effect your relationship with your daughter. And you will get caught. One way or the other, you'll get caught. Also, while you are out doing your thing, you'll always wonder about who you might see, or if you are in the car together, you'll worry about if you get in a wreck. Make sure that's the path you really, really need to tread before you go down it.

[shameless agitator]

High Energy's right. Cheating is playing with fire and personally, I wouldn't see it as an option. As I see it, if you eliminate that one, you still have 3 options. You can get the divorce, You can repress your sexuality, or you can work on convincing your wife to let you have other playmates. I know a lot of people whose romantic relationships are over but who stay married because of things like community property, health insurance, etc. No doubt about it, you're in a tough spot. You're going to have to do some long hard soul searching and figure out what's really important to you.

[The Barefoot Contess]

As others have said, it is a question of priorities. Let me just comment on a couple of issues which have not been brought up yet.

I think it is dangerous to live your life under the threat of your wife's divorcing you. I understand that you have a lot to lose, but if you give in with this, then you will find yourself renouncing other things just because she might divorce you.

About your daughter, how old is she? If she is old enough, she would possibly understand your issues. I know I would not want any of my parents to remain married because they are threatened. I would much rather my dad divorced my mom and be happy than stay with her because he is under threat. Also, I would not want my dad to remain married just because of me. In fact, that is what my parents did, and the result made us all miserable.

[Papelucho]

I agree with what Eddy said about only YOU can answer the question. You will know what to do eventually. Until then, don't do anything drastic, and focus on the things that you know for sure, like your love for your daughter.

[someotherguy]

I am a MWM on the bi-courious side. I have had one experience and it was interesting and it occurred with another couple. My wife didn't know. Why - I had expressed an interest to her before and she went off the deep end. We have had gone to a swing club once and only participated between ourselves. She has, in fantasy, expressed being with another woman and other men but in real life she feels guilty. She is religious and she has been in struggles between what I think she would like to do and what she feels she has to do.
Anyway I had express the idea of experimenting on the bisexual side and she wanted to have nothing to do with it. She stated that if, and that "if" has since gone to a no, she was to bring in another male it would be for herself and not for me.
She has threatened and almost excuted a divorce due to this situation. I have too much to loose both finanacially and I would hate to be a part time father to my my daughter. Happy or not I will live out my commitment to the marriage.
With that said, I don't want to be labeled, " a cheating husband"! What choice do I have? I know that most will say go through with the divorce. My joy in the marriage is seeing my daughter every day and I won't compromise on that issue. She would also take half of everything I have and that would eliminate me from ever retiring.
So what is left is never fulfilling my desires or the title of "a cheating husband" I am sure that there are many husbands that are but I don't feel that I am one of them. So what would you do?

I understand not wanting to be called a cheating husband, so the answer is to not be one. Be a faithful husband or be a divorced man who is free to have sex at will. Or run for US Senate and tap toes in restrooms.

[ncman]

I can understand your situation. As I sit here writing a response, I am in a similar situation. When my wife found out that I was bi, she accepted the truth but made it clear that I could not indulge in any ways any desire to be with a man sexually. I accepted this because I too did not want to lose everything that I have worked for and my children. I look but don't touch at this time in my life. I agree with the other posts that only you can decide for yourself what is important in your life. No one can make the decision for you about how you are going to live your life. Not even your wife. If she is going to threaten you with divorce, this may not be working to begin with, but only you know. Good luck in your search for what works best for you. Many men out there face this same issue and there is never a right answer especially when children are involved in the picture.

[csrakate]

Such a difficult situation for you and I am sorry that there doesn't seem to be any easy answers for you. While I admire your desire to stay committed to your marriage, I have to agree with barefoot that is sounds as if that bond may have already been broken and living under the threat of divorce is hardly giving your daughter the stable and loving home life that she deserves. It has been said that children would much prefer to come from a broken home than to live in one and to stay in the marriage merely to protect assets and provide you with 24 hour access to her is hardly doing her a favor.

You need to follow your heart....if your marriage is still one where love exists, then by all means fight for it. But doing so may very well mean giving up any hope you have to pursue your sexual attractions. Remember, being bisexual doesn't give you carte blanche to cheat...if you decide to remain faithful, then do so because you want to...not because you have no choice. Otherwise you will harbor anger and resentment that may tear away at whatever is remaining of your marriage. At this point, your wife doesn't sound very open to the idea of you playing around and getting her consent sounds far fetched at this point. But you never know...is it possible that the two of you could try counseling? That would not only offer you the chance to discuss things rationally but also with a non biased mediator present to make sure that you are both hearing what the other one has to say without jumping to quick conclusions, dramatic reactions and unfair ultimatums. If you choose this path, both of you would need to go into it with an open mind and a willingness to listen and quite possibly you could come out of it with a deeper understanding of how the other one feels. I urge you to consider this before making any rash decisions.

Good luck to you and I wish you all the very best.


Hugs,
Kate

[folk2punk]

My heart goes out to you. I feel like I have been in your shoes. I dont have a child, but I did cheat with other guys, and couldnt deal with the shame of hiding, so that I eventually confessed all to my wife. The past 8 months have been very trying. She wants a child, and I dont - probably the largest road block in our relationship. Our marraige counselor refers to the child question as a "deal-breaker." I sometimes think that my reluctance to have children is a last vestige of my commitment fears.

But what I really must ask is, Do you still have passion for your wife? Is the relationship at all rewarding? (sexually, mentally, and emotionally...?) This is the real crux of the matter. I often feel that if you are truly bisexual (and please bear with me) then the body shouldnt matter at all. All men and women would be equally attractive, and therefore, seen as one sea of possibility, and not two oceans separated by the penninsula of you. Monogamy is monogamy, there are no loopholes.

Do not attempt to answer the question of your marriage with sexual expression alone. And dont let your daughter become a pawn. We all want to be taken seriously, so we should act with seriousness and honesty. If we let that which makes us different from the mainstream turn into a crutch, then we are bound to be unhappy. Sorry If i'm getting soap-boxy... How many other married folks are in this situation?

[PolyLoveTriad]

If you arent happy in your marriage then your daughter WILL know. Kids are super sensative to these things and know when parents are unhappy and it puts a lot of stress on them. Honestly, if I were you, I would quietly contact a lawyer. Seriously, you could very possibly get custody of your daughter and then you wouldnt have to go without seeing her everyday. Also a lawyer can clarify anything on any state laws where you live about wether or not she would get half. I know where my mother lives, no matter how long youre married, you dont get half. Theres a lot of things that factor into it. Im not telling you to get a divorce, but it seems youre in a marriage that really is making you unhappy. Just a couple of thoughts for you. Theres thousands of dads out there who have custody of their children. Either way, best of luck. And oh, everyone is right, if you get caught cheating, she could quite possibly end up with EVERYTHING including your daughter so I would think twice before I was intimate with anyone other than your wife. Good luck!