Monogamous Marriage to a Straight Man?

[Michelle_87]

I am a bi female engaged to a straight male. I was just wondering if you all think that I can be happy in a monogamous relationship with a man the rest of my life, while still feeling sexual desire for other women. I'm afraid that I might feel unfulfilled if I'm never able to be with a woman, but I'm more afraid that asking about bringing another person into the (sexual) picture would complicate/hurt our relationship. I love my fiance, and would never want to hurt him. On that note, how do I cope with my desires to be with a woman sexually?

[allbimyself]

I can't tell you how to cope but if you think it is something you can't do and he is against having an open relationship, you better rethink getting married.

[mindfinding]

Rethink your marriage idea.

Be honest with him and tell him how you feel. If you can't talk to him about that side of yourself, why would you marry him?

It should be - Spouse = best friend I will ever have. That means being able to talk to them about every thing from the bed to your bowels.

[Mrs.F]

I married my husband thinking that we would always be in a monogamous marriage. I, however didn't find out he was bisexual until we had been married 10 yrs. While I "eventually" accepted this part of him, he kept telling me that he was fine putting that part of him back in the closet.....but you know what? He may say he can but for some reason after 10 yrs. it all started to haunt him and he couldn't do it. And I will not expect him to not be who he really is..that is just not fair to him. We struggle alot with some things. He wants this, want's that and I'm not sure I do or can. It sometimes becomes a vicious circle! I agree with what a few have said and that if you don't think you can go the rest of your life putting that part of you away forever...then you need to sit down and tell him and maybe you need to discuss your marriage to be. You may love him more than you can imagine but it will be unfair to both of you if the truth is not brought out and discussed before you head into your future together.

[Michelle_87]

Well, he knows I'm bi, but we've always considered our relationship monogamous. I guess now that I'm thinking about going the rest of my life without ever having the chance to be in a relationship with a woman, it seems like I would be missing out on a part of myself. I'm not sure if I'm having normal (bisexual?) cold feet, or if I should rethink our engagement. I guess part of the problem is that he is pretty vanilla in bed, and is too timid to try a lot of more kinky things, so I really think he would not be comfortable with a threesome or anything involving other people.

I guess I'll just have to really talk all of this out with him before I walk down the isle. Part of me thinks I'm just nervous at the idea of being married; it's a huge, life-changing commitment. How do I know we will both love each other forever and be happy, and not fall out of love? I mean, I've fallen out of love with people in the past, how do I know that won't happen again. I don't think it will, but who can say? Sorry, I'm just babbling now...thanks for the advice, by the way.

[Karmacoma]

A 3 some isn't kinky.

If you do marry him he may either just want sex with you and be fine with that or if you have an open relationship he may demand to watch you have sex with another woman because it turns him on for some reason.

[csrakate]

Well, he knows I'm bi, but we've always considered our relationship monogamous. I guess now that I'm thinking about going the rest of my life without ever having the chance to be in a relationship with a woman, it seems like I would be missing out on a part of myself. I'm not sure if I'm having normal (bisexual?) cold feet, or if I should rethink our engagement. I guess part of the problem is that he is pretty vanilla in bed, and is too timid to try a lot of more kinky things, so I really think he would not be comfortable with a threesome or anything involving other people.

I guess I'll just have to really talk all of this out with him before I walk down the isle. Part of me thinks I'm just nervous at the idea of being married; it's a huge, life-changing commitment. How do I know we will both love each other forever and be happy, and not fall out of love? I mean, I've fallen out of love with people in the past, how do I know that won't happen again. I don't think it will, but who can say? Sorry, I'm just babbling now...thanks for the advice, by the way.

I think you may have answered your own question, but please allow me to add my two cents as the straight wife of a bisexual man who's been in a monogamous relationship for 28 years. Yes..it is very possible to be in a monogamous relationship but in order to do so, you need to be committed to that person totally...meaning that while you may have sexual urges for someone of the same sex, the love you feel for your spouse over rides any and all inclinations to satisfy that urge, the very same way a hetero spouse would choose not to sleep with another person of the opposite sex. That doesn't mean it is easy by any means. I am sure my husband has had moments where he wishes he could be with a man...I am well aware that he has his "private" moments where he fantasizes about doing just that. But since learning more about his bisexuality, and learning to be more open to what it means, particularly that it doesn't mean he doesn't find me sexually attractive or that he doesn't love me, I have been able to be more open to discussing those urges with him...and through talking, sharing and a vivid imagination, I can share those urges with him. No..it doesn't take the place of the real thing, but it sure beats having to suppress them and push them aside when we're together as a couple. I've embraced his sexuality and in doing so, we've become so much closer in so many ways.

I do encourage you to talk to your fiance and share your concerns and your doubts. Be completely honest with him NOW and perhaps the two of you can find a common ground that might make it possible. If not, then you are doing yourself AND him a favor by making sure before you walk down the aisle.

Best of luck to you both!

Hugs,
Kate

[darkeyes]

I can't tell you how to cope but if you think it is something you can't do and he is against having an open relationship, you better rethink getting married.
Allbi has a gud point ere hun. Me wos married 2 a luffly guy an tried 2 go through that marriage thinkin, least in the early days, that me cud suppress the need for relationships wiv me own sex cos I adored the guy an wud neva hav dun ne thin 2 hurt im.. time proved me eva so rong an me jus felt so smothered an frutrated an unfulfilled summat had 2 give.. an it did.

Will say, personally me don necessarily c that it is much different from a totally str8 cupple stayin true 2 each otha all ther lives, than ne otha kinda relationship. It is quite possible for marriages 2 b very happy an fruitful if 1 or both partners is bi or gay, an for the luff an commitment they hav 2 each otha 2 keep them exclusive 2 each otha an neva stray the nest. It is equally true that peeps who r in str8 marriages or relationships will at sum stage cheat. U bein bisexual jus increases the numbas of peeps ya attracted 2 an so probably the numba of opportunities 2 cheat... but it is not neceassrily sumthin which u will do...

2 b honest wivya me not sure ya ready for a commitment 2 the guy, an not convinced ya luffs im enuff 2 adhere 2 wot he wants outa marriage. Will end wiv this lil pearl a wisdom... wy shud ya? Ya hav ya own wants an desires an dreams.... suggest ya sit down an think wetha marriage is wotya want fore ya jumps in an makes life hard for yasel... marriage is meant 2 b a partnership of equals wiv lotsa give an take.. not 1 party sayin how things r gonna b... me made the mistake a not thinkin that through properly wen gettin married... don u make the same mistake cos it will end badly.. c sum life 1st an then mayb ya can settle down wiv sum nice guy.. or gal..

[kitten]

I am a bi-female married to a straight male and we just celebrated our 27th anniversary. Sure there have been bumps in the road from money issues to relationship questions and then there are the kids to raise. It is possible but not without being able to talk about everything. Please share your concerns with your future spouse and give him time to respond at his pace.

:2cents:Relationships are about compromise. Some say that relationships need to be 50/50 but really it should be 100/100. If each partner is willing to give 100%, then on those days, weeks, months when one has to give less due to job, illness or family needs, the balance will remain.

Best wishes to you and your fiance!
hugs,
kitten

[inohio]

I think that your are answering your own question by seeing out the opinion's of thers. No one on here can tell you how YOU truly feel. You need to be the judge on whether you can suppress your desires for others. From what it sounds like, though, you wouldn't be able to have a monogamous relationship and be happy. If you aren't honest in a marriage, you are only dooming it from the beginning. If your doubts are this strong, you should talk to your future spouse about it. He will be shocked at first and his response at that moment may not be his true feelings. As another poster said ... let him respond at his own pace. Good luck.

[Karmacoma]

Tell your husband these things, not strangers on the internet.

[im_here]

Tell your husband these things, not strangers on the internet.

Karma actually has a point here. If you do not feel like you can be open with your future spouse then it will not work.:2cents:

[someotherguy]

I am a bi female engaged to a straight male. I was just wondering if you all think that I can be happy in a monogamous relationship with a man the rest of my life, while still feeling sexual desire for other women. I'm afraid that I might feel unfulfilled if I'm never able to be with a woman, but I'm more afraid that asking about bringing another person into the (sexual) picture would complicate/hurt our relationship. I love my fiance, and would never want to hurt him. On that note, how do I cope with my desires to be with a woman sexually?

There are men who would be happy to accommodate your other interests. Your man might, too, given the chance. But you don't want to get married with him expecting exclusivity when you have doubts. If he can't like the idea of your other lover/s, or you can't like the idea of being with him only, an exclusive marriage is a bad idea for you. The only way to get married is when both people have all their cards on the table, know what they want, and know that they want marriage. It's not enough just to love someone.

You CAN have the life you want. The first step is to own up to what you truly do want.