learning to be BI while in a hetero relationship

[runwildtonight]

Well I finally admited to myself that yes I am Bisexual. I was single at the time, and had some fun experimenting; I was seeing 3 people while experimenting. The 1st was a gay guy.The second was a str8 girl, who when I told got pissed off because I didnt tell her at the begging (so she said).

The 3rd person my current gf I told before we started while only friends, she has done a great job at accepting me for who I am, although I know its difficult for her. She is afraid that because I am Bi, I am twice as likely to cheat on her. Now Im monogomous with her and plan to keep it that way, yet its hard to explore my sexuality while being in a str8 relationship. We talk about it and she tells me that she accepts me (and she tries) but I told her that I fantasise about giving head or reciving it and it breaks her heart. Now she has fingered my ass once while giving me head and it was great, and I had been wanting to talk about her using a strap-on on me and it came up and she said never. Any toys for that matter.

Here are my problems:
1. Being only with one sex I am not fully satisfied I want to suck cock or try being bottom with a guy. With a girl I want to eat pussy and play with breasts but I want a monogomous relationship and thats impossible, If she would use a strap-on then at least she could be top and me bottom and it would make it easier for me

2. I have little experience in this but what is the best way to tell someone that im intrested in that Im Bi, I dont want to tell everyone since Im still pretty private about who I want to know about it

3. Even though I havent told many people about my bisexuality it hurts me that my gf wants me to keep it more of a secret and doesnt want me to tell others who ive come to trust, she doesnt want others to feel bad for her dating a guy who is bi what are your opinions thanx

:bibounce:

[Lisa (va)]

Ask yourself. Are you ready for a monogamous relationship?
Seems not if you still want to be with another guy. Clearly if you
are not willing to fully commit to her, then you should rethink the
relationship. Some folks are monogamous while some are not, be
sure of what you want from a relationship and make sure he / she
is accepting of your wants, as well as you hers. And by all means
talk to her openly, as you sh ould in any relationship.

Lisa
hugs n kisses

[Mrs.F]

Well, you have started off on the right foot by being honest with her and telling her. Alot of times spouses are never told, for whatever reason or another. I am a spouse who was not told and found out after 10 yrs. of marriage. So, with her knowing is a step in the right direction.

I think what Lisa said was very correct. Are you ready to commit to a monogamous relationship with her? If you have any feelings whatsoever that maybe you can't and still feel the need to be with other men, then she needs to know that and maybe you need to rethink what your true feelings are! Don't tell her that your are committed to only her if you feel at all you may stray in the future. That's not fair to her!

I am struggling also with dealing with my husbands desires and fantasies. My feelings have very much changed and I have become more open minded, more understanding and accepting........BUT, I am not open to do everything he wants to do. So, this is where the honesty and talking alot comes into play. He knows where my boundries are and he knows he can't push me. It's not something that changes overnight. I think you have alot to talk about and figure out before you make any decisions.
Good luck to you and gf. :)

[lbamm]

My situation is similar in a lot of ways but in others, the complete opposite. It was my (soon to become),wifes desire to share her man with another man. You know the typical threeway fantasy most guys have but in reverse (mfm). Because I was familiar with the guy fantasy, it seemed only reasonable that some women might also share a similar fantasy. Having had a couple minor same sex experiences, although never feeling quite "right" afterwards, It excited me to know that this was something special I could share with her,that no other man had. Well, everything went far better than I could have imagined and it was beyond either of our expectations ! I't was so fullfilling both physically and emotionally for both of us it became a "part" of our marriage. It was something special and Incredibly erotic that we enjoyed together. I had never even considered doing the things I did with men when I was with her and I not only had her approval, but her encouragement. She taught me not only how to please another man but I found it truly satisfying and looked forward to each experience. I feel almost indebted to her for enticing me beyond any thing I had ever done and teaching me to truly and completely enjoy something that I had never known. I felt comfortable and secure with her and it was a gift of affection we gave eachother. The problem is that now, do to non related circumstances, we are no longer together and I am left in a state of confusion. I'm still predominantly straight, but the emotional and physical satisfaction which came from our "unique" experiences has left me in limbo. Now I actually consider myself bisexual having learned to enjoy the physical pleasures of a man but emotionally, I'm only attracted to women. I can't erase the experiences implanted in my memory and don't want to have to hide it from the next woman I become involved with. I'm proud of what transpired and feel I would be robbed of that experience if I could not at least share it openly without being rejected. Its apart of me now and Yet it is something that is not likely to be understood by someone who hasn't lived it. So...Where Do I go from here? What we had was cut prematurely short and wasn't allowed to finnish its cycle. I had just started to feel truly comfortable, in being "able" to feel comfortable with my feelings about what we did. Stopping as suddenly as it all did and having to hide it from the world will make me regret that it ever happened and feel shameful and embarrassed. I don't want to have what was so wonderful reduced to a shameful dirty act. Especially haveing gone as far as we had gone with it. If I can share this with someone verbally in the future I want it to be appreciated and truly understood by them not mearly accepted as some "ugly" truth in my past that they are willing to see past. I know how the ladies feel who have given this to their man only to feel taken advantage of and ashamed after the relationship ended..The only difference being that it's far more sociably accepted for women to have a same sex encounter even praised ! DOes any of this make sense ? Ultimately, the best case scenario would be that the next someone I end up dating would desire these qualities and abilities in a man but that it would be a lasting relationship of love and respect. but in reality, I'm not likely to find such a person. I crossed the point of no turning back and must move forward but don't know how to do it. I need reasurance and acceptance from someone a lover who is a true friend whom I can either share my special gift with and who will appreciate it or whom I can confide in and fee secure in the knowlege that they know, and are truly OK with that part of my past (or me as a person). Weird situation and not sure anyone will even want to touch it ! LOL! Maybe I am wrong and this entry will prove to be a good move. Please feel free to e-mail me or IM me privately if you'd like. Thanks for reading !

[tatooedpunk]

I'm a married man, i have a good relationship with my wife
She knows i'm bi but we never talk about it.
Our sex life is pretty dull but thats probably my fault i'm just confused all the time we've been together for 10 years and im at a loss i love my wife but i want to have sex with men . I think my heads gonna explode can any one advise i would be really gratefull

[jo69guy]

There are women out there who are more accepting of the bi-male than others. My ex-wife was origionaly very supportive, then later didn't like the idea. I guess part of the problem was I became emotionaly, as well as sexually involved with my male partner.(I'm still with him)

I applaud the understanding women out there for their support! While I have no woman in my life at this time, I know I enjoyed the intimacy I have had in the past with them.

:2cents:

[smokey]

I was a teen in the late 60's and if you weren't a jock you were definately suspect and I am anything but a jock so i spent years trying to avoid the bullies. They decided for me that I was queer and I didn't even know what the word meant at the time. When I finally got out on my own I had sex with women and loved it, still do but all that I went through was still churning in the back of my mind so finally, if only for my own peace of mind, I let a man pick me up AND I LOVED IT!!! When he came in my ass I just wanted to purr I was so pleased with myself. I definately wanted more, alot more but damn women intoxicate me and I was at a loss until one of the men (I was very passive about it in those days, I "innocently" let them pick ME up LOL) explained bisexuality to me and goddess what a relief that was, I finally knew what I was. I was young so I played the field as I saw fit, one month I tried to see if I could have a different sexual partner for each day and exceeded my goal...the one thing I have always done however is let my partners know right up front that I am bisexual, not gay, bisexual. I don't identify with the gay moniker and find the whole thing rather silly, I am a bisexual male who perfers women but definately enjoys men as well. Most of the women I have been with (including my late wife) have been surprisingly accepting of it, it is gay men who for the most part have an issue with bi's. So my recommendation is to be honest and do it like sex, just slip it in gently, allow her to roll it around on her tongue for awhile and see how it fits. LOL LOL LOL


To tattoopunk...Bi's make the best lovers because we have a larger sexual palate to work with so use that palate...use what you have learned from being with men on her, be aggressive, be passive...fucking by numbers will kill a relationship faster than anything.

[tatooedpunk]

Thanks Smokey
its good to know that how i feel is not altogether abnormal
i still dont know if i'll get this sorted but its good to talk about it

[OralBradley]

:flag3: :male: Like Ibamm I am bisexual man with a wife who is both aware and usually supportive. We even looked for a suitable man to be a committed partner, but never found a sutable prospect. Usually they were only interested in sex with her and agreed to tolerate me watching, but not participating when what I truly wanted was for us to interact as a unit both emotionally and sexually--a tall order.
Eventually, the advent of AIDS put the quietus on our group sexual activities, and we have been mostly monogamous (at least physically) for over 20 years. Now, when age and medications limit my sexual ability, the want for sexual and emotional contact with a man is very strong.
I think that bisexuality and monogamy are mutually exclusive by definition. If a person satisfies both physical and emotion needs with both sexes, it is not monogamous. While it is possible to repress part of ones sexuality, it is not without cost in self-image, etc.

[madmonkey]

We are a hetero couple that has had to deal with this issue. He has had experiences in the past and had a lot of gay porn, both of which he hid until we had been together for about a year. It was easy for me to accept his finding men sexually attractive. And we have use toys and erotic stories to enhace our relationship and satisfy his bi side. The only thing that we haven't been able to duplicate is him giving oral to another man. We are thinking every day about a three-some or other alternatives, but haven't done anything yet. If she is totally unwilling to use toys to enhance things, then she sounds a little sexually "suck-up". It is a MUCH better relationship when we can share our fantasies and secret desires. I even write him MM and MMF erotic stories. It just doesn't sound like your girlfriend truely accepts who you are.

[Mmmarie]

I'm a bi woman in a 20 year polyamorous marriage. Google polyamory if monogamy isn't working for you.
:2cents:
Mmmarie

[gayle]

Well, I do feel sympathy for you and for your girlfriend. It is difficult to be part of a bi/str8 relationship where one partner is straight and the other bi. I'm not sure who it is harder for, the bi partner or the straight one. Both seem to feel certain insecurities and doubts. The straight partner often feels they cannot possibly satisfy their bi partner in a monogamous relationship, even if both partners have agreed to a monogamous relationship. The bi partner often longs to have interaction with someone of the same sex, but they don't want to betray the relationship they have with their straight partner. I'm not even sure if a true "compromise" exists.
My own experience, as a straight female, is that my bi partner has wanted me to be bi. Frankly, if we're in the midst of an orgy (yeah, been there, done that), then I might well stroke a woman. My mindset is somewhere along the lines of "If I do this to myself, or if someone does this to me, it feels good to me. If I do this to someone else --- do they enjoy it?" In other words, I am wondering if my responses are "normal." My partner says it indicates that I am "situationally bi." But the fact is that when I am with my partner (male), I am also trying different things to see what he likes, what his reaction will be to various things. So it seems I am more of a "scientist" trying to see how a person will react to various stimuli. I'm always trying to elicit a pleasurable response.
Anyhow, I know that my partner did not tell me in the beginning that he was bi and I felt betrayed for awhile because of it. I also felt like I had not been given the information I needed in order to make an informed decision about having sexual relations with him. My decisions may very well have been different had I known that he had been with other men. I can't be 100 percent certain in hindsight. I know I tried very hard to learn to understand my partner and his desires, and it took a long time to be able to really accept his orientation. This site was key in helping me to understand. For so long, I really felt it was not possible for me to satisfy him because I could NOT be male. Over time, we worked things out, but I am the first to admit it was not easy. I was incredibly naive sexually entering our relationship and did not know there was such a thing as bisexuality. I knew only of straight and gay. There was no "in-between." Time, posting to this site, and some experience helped me to find peace.
I hate to sound negative, but I do have doubts that your relationship is going to be successful. (I hope I'm wrong!) The reason for my doubts include that you do desire sex with men, your girlfriend isn't going to accept that. She doesn't seem to be open to sexual experimentation (such as using a strap-on), so it seems both of you are denying your own sexual desires/needs. While sex isn't the be-all and end-all of relationships, when we are starting a relationship, it does tend to be a rather high priority. If we can't learn to see eye-to-eye (and heart-to-heart) on this issue, one or both partners seem destined to be hurt.
Anyhow, sorry to sound so pessimistic. Perhaps your girlfriend would be willing to read postings to this site and might begin to understand your feelings and also to be able to explore her own thoughts/feelings.
Best wishes,
Gayle