Don't have to be bi to be confused!

[Mrs.F]

I don't really have a question....just venting but any advice or words of comfort would be appreciated.

My husband is bisexual, I discovered this after 10 yrs. of marriage (2005). His fantasies are 3somes (mmf). I told him (after) I had accepted his being bi that maybe sometime in the future I would be ok with that. He finds it extremely erotic for me to be with another man. I told him that I could never be with someone else unless I was friends and had some feelings for them.
Now, I never set out looking for anyone. It was during the time that I had just joined here and was needing help in understanding this whole bisexual thing that I met a man who had recently been divorced and moved in with his " friends w/benefits", it was then he discovered that he could be romantic and love a man also. This man and I talked and talked and became very close friends to the point that I knew I loved him before I even met him. January 2008 he flew here to meet me and my husband in person...though mainly me. Alot of things happened for the first time during that visit and when he left I knew forsure that he was a special man and someone I adored and loved. He became my best friend! We talk everyday, once in awhile we may miss a day here and there but not often. We can go days and weeks and never discuss sex with each other because that is not the basis of our friendship/relationship. He just flew back here monday the 16th and left today. My husband had an accident last friday and was not able to get around at all so I was running back and forth taking care of my husband and being with this man. We went out to eat, watched tv, went to my son's t-ball game, he helped me take care of my husband in getting him around and sat with me while my husband had outpatient surgery on his wrist yesterday. Today=I awoke to my stomach hurting, and turning and I felt sick. I knew that in a few hours I would be taking him to the airport and letting him go. Each visit it becomes more and more clear that I love him am inlove with him and I am confused all to hell. I mention this to my husband and ask him if this bothers him/if he is concerned at all about it and all he tells me is that it does not bother him. The only thing that bothers him is that I can't seperate my feelings. I guess in the back of my mind...this is not normal. My husband should be jealous, he should be worried that at some point down the road I am going to have to choose between the two of them.

I wonder how the hell I got myself to this point....I guess the answer would be I did this for my husband and it turned into something else. Now what do I do about it? Somehow figure out who I love more or where my priorities lie. In the meantime, this is tearing me apart and I know that I can no longer live like this.

Apologize for the novel here....:compuser: But thank you for all who read it and can understand that I need to be in a nut house! :rolleyes:

[eddy10]

Wow! That is a tough situation. In all seriousness, I recommend getting professional help to sort this out between the three of you. Although, we all here would love to help you, I think we would only add to the confusion.

[TaylorMade]

Is being poly an option here?

*Taylor*

[csrakate]

I do believe that we have the capacity to love more than one person, but I have never experienced it going to the level of actually "meeting" that person face to face. I am sure it had to be quite a shock to you, having been monogamous for so many years, to discover that you could actually enjoy being with another man, not just sexually but as intimate, loving friends. This is all so new to you that perhaps you need to take the time to actually sort out these feelings. You said yourself that you could never be with anyone without some level of intimacy, so perhaps your feelings, while very real, are not as deep as you fear, but your way of coping with having been with him physically. The fact that your husband doesn't seem that concerned could be that he doesn't feel that threatened and maybe knows as well, that the more you like this gentleman, the more you may accept him playing with others.

You also need to discover what is it is that concerns you the most....the fact that you seem to have such real feelings for this friend or that your husband doesn't seem to be all that concerned that you do. Or both? I think this a very crucial time for you two to return back to that level of communication that you had in the beginning when you discovered he was bisexual, and start discussing this situation ASAP. Do as you did before, share your fears about what this means for you as well as for the two of you as a couple. The only way to find some sort of resolution to your inner struggle is to be as honest as you can be with both yourself and your husband.

Best of luck to all of you concerned,
Kate

[Gina7777]

I wonder if this is a case of physiology ... where we women, however modern and liberated we want to be, have a basic need to have just one mate - making it so difficult to "love" more than one, and needing to choose, whereas men seem to be much better at "spreading themselves around". It's really annoying because it does make our emotions get in the way of just enjoying lots of different partners. What do you think?

[Mrs.F]

I do agree that we can love different people in many different ways and btw-I am seeing a therapist for more than just this reason. And believe it or not I went to my therapist thinking that (I'm sure we all do) I was the only person in the world that was so screwed up emotionally over two men. Telling her that my husband was bisexual was like a weight off my shoulders and yet she told me that she's had many others the same way and many spouses who thought they had accepted it and were "ok" with it and really weren't...just didn't know how to deal with it in reality. Sometimes I think what I get from this man is all that I'm lacking in life and Flounder just doesn't know how to give it to me. Plus I never married thinking I would be with another man period and here I am. I'm like a dog who was let out of the yard and running wild. My heart just brought me to a screeching hault!! :(

Anyway....To anyone out there who's thinking about doing this.....it is hard and difficult and it's soooooooooo soooooooo confusing and stressful. For those of you who have done all this and is working great...I envy you!

[PlacentaJuan]

Get a divorce and get with the new guy.

Or stay with your husband who you've known longer and who you actually have a real relationship and a marriage with. If you have children don't get a divorce.

[FalconAngel]

That kind of situation rarely ends well, but there are a few options; some of which have been suggested here.

1) You can stay with Flounder and make things work in the current type of relationship. No relationship is easy and any relationship with a bisexual is even more so.

2) You can leave him for the new guy. The problems there are many. The new guy is also bisexual, like Flounder, so you will run into the same issues all over again.

3) You could try and see if a Poly relationship will work for all of you. As others have said, we are able to love multiple people at once. Maybe not all of us, but many of us can.

Either way, the key is in unlearning what you were taught about what a relationship is and expand your thinking beyond what you have learned.

In the end, it is all up to you.

[PlacentaJuan]

I have friends who are unable to have sex unless they tell themselves they are madly in love with the women that they bed.

The hypocrisy of this enrages me. I don't see why I should pledge eternal love when all I want is some exercise in the sheets. It's blackmail.

No wonder why straight men get so angry at women who think a hard-on is a handle you grab to lead a man to the altar.

I'd rather pay cash for sex than be awakened by a distraught phone call from a woman who expected me to marry her just because I spent a few hours figuring out how to make her come.

And she has the nerve to accuse me of using her!

[darkeyes]

I have friends who are unable to have sex unless they tell themselves they are madly in love with the women that they bed.

The hypocrisy of this enrages me. I don't see why I should pledge eternal love when all I want is some exercise in the sheets. It's blackmail.

No wonder why straight men get so angry at women who think a hard-on is a handle you grab to lead a man to the altar.

I'd rather pay cash for sex than be awakened by a distraught phone call from a woman who expected me to marry her just because I spent a few hours figuring out how to make her come.

And she has the nerve to accuse me of using her!

... in ur case babes..only thing a hard on wud get from me is grabbin it hard an haulin ya through 2 kitchen table gettin out choppin block an unretirin Cleave.. lil swing shud do the trik.... shudn take 2 much effort..:bigrin:

Get reel.... even payin for it wudn getya laid!!!:tong:

[TaylorMade]

I do agree that we can love different people in many different ways and btw-I am seeing a therapist for more than just this reason. And believe it or not I went to my therapist thinking that (I'm sure we all do) I was the only person in the world that was so screwed up emotionally over two men. Telling her that my husband was bisexual was like a weight off my shoulders and yet she told me that she's had many others the same way and many spouses who thought they had accepted it and were "ok" with it and really weren't...just didn't know how to deal with it in reality. Sometimes I think what I get from this man is all that I'm lacking in life and Flounder just doesn't know how to give it to me. Plus I never married thinking I would be with another man period and here I am. I'm like a dog who was let out of the yard and running wild. My heart just brought me to a screeching hault!! :(

Anyway....To anyone out there who's thinking about doing this.....it is hard and difficult and it's soooooooooo soooooooo confusing and stressful. For those of you who have done all this and is working great...I envy you!

Have all three of you been sexually intimate? It seems you all have the socially intimate thing going on. . .but if you have been intimate as a triad, maybe now is the time to have a sit down and let everyone else know what's going on in your head face to face. . .to face.

*Taylor*

[bityme]

Dear Mrs. F,
I know that you feel it is marvelous that you have this new love in your life. But you do have a number of things to consider. The concept of "love" is often elusive. How does the "love" you feel you have for this new man compare with the "love" you have with your husband?

Obviously, your husband threw you for a loop when he disclosed that he was bisexual. Did that diminish your relationship with him? Do you now feel you love him less because he has sexual desires for someone other than you? You obviously have a lot invested in the marriage and child/children. Do you want all that to change?

I get the impression that you picked out this new man as someone with whom your husband could satisfy his urges and you could be comfortable with. That objective seems to have changed. Is that because the new dynamics have made things fresh and exciting at a point in time that the excitement in your marital relationship was waning? Is that because of his disclosure?

You say that you have told your husband? Do you think his reaction is because he feels that he also has an attraction with this new man and is content that your feelings for the new man, along with his, will create a new and lasting 3-way bond? Or, is his reaction one that he is willing to release you to find your place with someone else because he cares for you and wants to see you happy?

As one of the other contributors suggested, perhaps this is the time to seek some professional counseling to help sort out all of your feelings. Some guidance might be appropriate before making life-changing decisions.

I wish you all the best,

Mike

[Daviecurious]

Some thoughts:

First, take some deep calming breaths and (as much as is possible) try to relax. This is not a situation that has to be resoved by lunch tomorrow. Focus right now on getting F back together and physically re-habbed. It sounds like a 4-6 month time frame is realistic.

Please remember that you are all going through a massive emotional trauma. Incidents like this bring thoughts of the fragility of life, our mortality, fears about the future-how can/would I/he survive w/o him/me, how/would the child(ren) survive, ect to the front of our brains and keep them there.

A true friend is just that. He will be there and be supportive, regardless of what happens.

Finally, it seems that his response to your info did not meet your expectations (i.e. jealousy) bringing the whole emotion avalance to a very sharp point. Something to consider: How much did his own feelings on mortality, pain, any medication, upcoming surgery, ect affect his response? Certainly an issue to talk about, but not necessarily today, or even this week.

Wise to keep in touch w/your therapist. And if we can help......

[jamieknyc]

I have read your posts, and those replying to yours, and I took overnight to respond to it because I wanted to give it some thought before responding. Also, more importantly that anything else, I personally have 'been there.'

The first thing to do is to not rush into anything or to jump to any conclusions. Remember that you are only just gettting started with this thing, and there is no telling how it is going to play out. There are a lot of different possibilities: you may decide it isn't for you, you may have a relationship with this guy that goes on for some length of time, but then either he or you decide to break it off, you may end up having a three-way sexual relationship since your husband is bi, or even settle into a long-term thing. Also, you may be crazy in love now, but may find after some time that the infatuation wears off. The point is, though, don't jump to any conclusions, or let anyone else, spouse, lover, therapist, friend, on-line poster or anyone else, tell you that you 'have to do this' or 'have to do that' because they are coming to the question with some preconceived notions.

Someone posted something about divorcing your husband and going off with the new guy. I am assuming that is not an option. I've been there. Aslo, be wary of therapists. Therapists approach these situations with a lot of preconceived ideas that they memorized out of a textbook in graduate school, and also bring their own biases into the picture, consciously or unconsciously. I am equally skeptical of 'polyamory' thinking, partly because I am not really sure that there is such a thing, and that even if there is, it always seemed to me to be an ideology as much as anything else- sort of like the difference between enjoying nude beaches and being a militantly ideological nudist, if that makes any sense.

It is possible to love more than one person at a time, even for a fairly long term. I have done it, and so have a lot of others, including a lot of posters on here. That includes both emotional love and sexual love (I mean sex with a person because you love them, not just getting laid). It is also possible also to start with an emotional attachment to someone, without intending to have sex with them, and to end up sleeping with them. I myself was surprised at how easy and natural that transition was. One thing you should be aware of, though, is that the emotional and sexual attachment to the lover will take at least something away from that with your spouse. That isn't necessarily a bad thing- people have emotional needs that spouses are sometimes unwilling or unable to fill, and sometimes even welcome having fewer emotional demands placed on them. But you yourself are going to feel at times that you are getting spread thinly.

I also understand where you are coming from when you say that you wonder why your husband doesn't feel more jealous. I went through that too, and it made me feel that she didn't care about me and would just as soon have my emotional needs become some other woman's headache to deal with. And it didn't make me feel cherished and valued, believe me.

You are starting off with a huge advantage that your husband knows and consents to the relationship, so you are spared the stress of having to live a double life and be out sneaking around.

What you need to do if this is going to be anything more than just a short-term fling is to give some serious thought to formulating a set of sexual ethics for this situation. Forget about conventional morality- you're already over that line. Think over what you (and your spouse) consider to be acceptable conduct and boundaries, set a code of sexual ethics for yourself, and then try to conduct yourself according to those sexual ethics with as much integrity as possible. That is the only thing that works.

(ed. to remove typos)

[Iowabiguy]

I have read your posts, and those replying to yours, and I took overnight to respond to it because I wanted to give it some thought before responding. Also, more importantly that anything else, I personally have 'been there.'

The first thing to do is to not rush into anything or to jump to any conclusions. Remember that you are only just gettting started with this thing, and there is no telling how it is going to play out. There are a lot of different possibilities: you may decide it isn't for you, you may have a relationship with this guy that goes on for some length of time, but then either he or you decide to break it off, you may end up having a three-way sexual relationship since your husband is bi, or even settle into a long-term thing. Also, you may be crazy in love now, but may find after some time that the infatuation wears off. The point is, though, don't jump to any conclusions, or let anyone else, spouse, lover, therapist, friend, on-line poster or anyone else, tell you that you 'have to do this' or 'have to do that' because they are coming to the question with some preconceived notions.

Someone posted something about divorcing your husband and going off with the new guy. I am assuming that is not an option. I've been there. Aslo, be wary of therapists. Therapists approach these situations with a lot of preconceived ideas that they memorized out of a textbook in graduate school, and also bring their own biases into the picture, consciously or unconsciously. I am equally skeptical of 'polyamory' thinking, partly because I am not really sure that there is such a thing, and that even if there is, it always seemed to me to be an ideology as much as anything else- sort of like the difference between enjoying nude beaches and being a militantly ideological nudist, if that makes any sense.

It is possible to love more than one person at a time, even for a fairly long term. I have done it, and so have a lot of others, including a lot of posters on here. That includes both emotional love and sexual love (I mean sex with a person because you love them, not just getting laid). It is also possible also to start with an emotional attachment to someone, without intending to have sex with them, and to end up sleeping with them. I myself was surprised at how easy and natural that transition was. One thing you should be aware of, though, is that the emotional and sexual attachment to the lover will take at least something away from that with your spouse. That isn't necessarily a bad thing- people have emotional needs that spouses are sometimes unwilling or unable to fill, and sometimes even welcome having fewer emotional demands placed on them. But you yourself are going to feel at times that you are getting spread thinly.

I also understand where you are coming from when you say that you wonder why your husband doesn't feel more jealous. I went through that too, and it made me feel that she didn't care about me and would just as soon have my emotional needs become some other woman's headache to deal with. And it didn't make me feel cherished and valued, believe me.

You are starting off with a huge advantage that your husband knows and consents to the relationship, so you are spared the stress of having to live a double life and be out sneaking around.

What you need to do if this is going to be anything more than just a short-term fling is to give some serious thought to formulating a set of sexual ethics for this situation. Forget about conventional morality- you're already over that line. Think over what you (and your spouse) consider to be acceptable conduct and boundaries, set a code of sexual ethics for yourself, and then try to conduct yourself according to those sexual ethics with as much integrity as possible. That is the only thing that works.

(ed. to remove typos)

This post says most everything I would say and better. The only thing I disagree with is the polyamory comments. I think that the post beautifully illustrates the need to think things through and be open to the ideas of loving both your husband and this new love. Don't throw anything away that you don't have to and be open to new definitions of love. You have been honest and open with Flounder all these years. His unwillingness or inability to feel jealousy seems like a healthy response to everything he is going through and maybe wants for himself and you in the future. Jealousy and guilt (although why you would feel guilty is beyond me) may be natural but we all have the ability to direct that energy in positive ways.
Good luck and keep working on it. Relationships are work but the payoff can be great!!

[PlacentaJuan]

This post says most everything I would say and better. The only thing I disagree with is the polyamory comments. I think that the post beautifully illustrates the need to think things through and be open to the ideas of loving both your husband and this new love. Don't throw anything away that you don't have to and be open to new definitions of love. You have been honest and open with Flounder all these years. His unwillingness or inability to feel jealousy seems like a healthy response to everything he is going through and maybe wants for himself and you in the future. Jealousy and guilt (although why you would feel guilty is beyond me) may be natural but we all have the ability to direct that energy in positive ways.
Good luck and keep working on it. Relationships are work but the payoff can be great!!

See, you're blinded by "polyamory" since it's only an open relationship and nothing more! You're mad because he posted something that's contrary to what you think about your self sacrified "polyamory" which is nothing more than an open relationship.

I also agree with the guy who posted this:

I am equally skeptical of 'polyamory' thinking, partly because I am not really sure that there is such a thing, and that even if there is, it always seemed to me to be an ideology as much as anything else- sort of like the difference between enjoying nude beaches and being a militantly ideological nudist, if that makes any sense.

Mrs. F-Concentrate on getting your husband better and don't throw away a 10 year marriage, a family, and all of that on some loser who you met on an online sex site who you and your husband slept with.

There are more important things in life and your husband needs you right now.

[Mrs.F]

See, you're blinded by "polyamory" since it's only an open relationship and nothing more! You're mad because he posted something that's contrary to what you think about your self sacrified "polyamory" which is nothing more than an open relationship.

I also agree with the guy who posted this:

I am equally skeptical of 'polyamory' thinking, partly because I am not really sure that there is such a thing, and that even if there is, it always seemed to me to be an ideology as much as anything else- sort of like the difference between enjoying nude beaches and being a militantly ideological nudist, if that makes any sense.

Mrs. F-Concentrate on getting your husband better and don't throw away a 10 year marriage, a family, and all of that on some loser who you met on an online sex site who you and your husband slept with.

There are more important things in life and your husband needs you right now.


This man is not a loser and he is someone I met on "this" site. As I said in the beginning, I never set out looking for anyone or anything except to understand bisexuality and what my husband "wanted/needed".

No, I do not want to throw a almost 13 yr. marriage away!! But I am seeing myself drifting from my husband emotionally and romantically. It's not something that just started when I found he was bi 3 yrs. ago, I think it had already been happening. That doesn't mean that I like it or want it to happen, but it IS happening. There have been more issues than just him being bi or my husband and I meeting this man in person. Yes, all 3 of us have been sexual together and while my husband loved it....I did not care for it that much and could care less if it ever happens again. I am very cautious about what my therapist tells me.

I care for this man very much and being "just" friends with him is hard for me. Those feelings and attachement are there. I know I'm at the point that I either need to cut off all contact with him and work hard on my marriage or separate from my husband. What I will NOT do is live in a relationship that I am not happy in like alot of people seem to do now days. I can't live with that stress and it's making me mentally and physically ill!

Thank all so much for your well thought out responses. It's not easy being bi, but it's not easy being married to one either.

[TaylorMade]

This man is not a loser and he is someone I met on "this" site. As I said in the beginning, I never set out looking for anyone or anything except to understand bisexuality and what my husband "wanted/needed".

No, I do not want to throw a almost 13 yr. marriage away!! But I am seeing myself drifting from my husband emotionally and romantically. It's not something that just started when I found he was bi 3 yrs. ago, I think it had already been happening. That doesn't mean that I like it or want it to happen, but it IS happening. There have been more issues than just him being bi or my husband and I meeting this man in person. Yes, all 3 of us have been sexual together and while my husband loved it....I did not care for it that much and could care less if it ever happens again. I am very cautious about what my therapist tells me.

I care for this man very much and being "just" friends with him is hard for me. Those feelings and attachement are there. I know I'm at the point that I either need to cut off all contact with him and work hard on my marriage or separate from my husband. What I will NOT do is live in a relationship that I am not happy in like alot of people seem to do now days. I can't live with that stress and it's making me mentally and physically ill!

Thank all so much for your well thought out responses. It's not easy being bi, but it's not easy being married to one either.

In answering him, you've answered some of my questions. Either way, you sound like you need some time for yourself to figure out where you want to go. Maybe just take a week or two off... not necessarily from work, but a vacation from both men and see where your head is at on your own.

*Taylor*

[jamieknyc]

No, I do not want to throw a almost 13 yr. marriage away!! But I am seeing myself drifting from my husband emotionally and romantically. It's not something that just started when I found he was bi 3 yrs. ago, I think it had already been happening. That doesn't mean that I like it or want it to happen, but it IS happening. There have been more issues than just him being bi or my husband and I meeting this man in person. Yes, all 3 of us have been sexual together and while my husband loved it....I did not care for it that much and could care less if it ever happens again. I am very cautious about what my therapist tells me.

I care for this man very much and being "just" friends with him is hard for me. Those feelings and attachement are there. I know I'm at the point that I either need to cut off all contact with him and work hard on my marriage or separate from my husband. What I will NOT do is live in a relationship that I am not happy in like alot of people seem to do now days. I can't live with that stress and it's making me mentally and physically ill!



Slow down, talking about having to choose between this man and your marriage is way premature. You can't tell at this point whether you are just on an emotional high from being in love, or whether this is something that is likely to be long-term. Drifting away from your husband emotionally and romantically is normal for someone in your situation. Come back in six to nine months and see if you still feel the same way. You may or may not feel the same way nine months from now. But don't do anything precipitiously, and don't get yourself sick over it!

[Mrs.F]

Slow down, talking about having to choose between this man and your marriage is way premature. You can't tell at this point whether you are just on an emotional high from being in love, or whether this is something that is likely to be long-term. Drifting away from your husband emotionally and romantically is normal for someone in your situation. Come back in six to nine months and see if you still feel the same way. You may or may not feel the same way nine months from now. But don't do anything precipitiously, and don't get yourself sick over it!

Your right and I'm not making and drastic decisions right now. But this is the same thing that's been going on since 2006 atleast. I know I was on a high from him being here and I'm coming down from that high. My husband will tell you that I am one that over reacts about everything. But I know that I cannot continue down this same road of being friends, talking to him everyday and meeting him once in awhile for a few days at a time.

I am slowing down, I am breathing and I will continue to calm down. I didn't mean to sound as if I was making a decision today or tomorrow. I just meant that I know at some point something is going to have to change.

[rissababynta]

I completely understand what you mean. If i felt this strongly about another man, whether i wanted to be with him or not, the idea of leaving my husband would cross my mind. only for the simple fact that i don't know how comfortable i feel being with a man that i obviously can not fully dedicate myself too if i feel that i want to be or could be with another man.

[meteast chick]

Oh Mrs F babes, being confused is the pits! Remember dear, it wasn't that long ago that I labeled myself mistakenly as bi and my husband joined this site to gain some insight. Unfortunately his confusion turned bitter and you and I both know how that turned out. Well, for us at least I think it's been a blessing in disguise. We are now both with women we dearly love and leading separate lives. That certainly doesn't mean that is the answer for you, but perhaps talking to Flounder first to understand his seeming lack of emotion/jealousy and perhaps some counselling for you both.

I wish you only the best of luck. Feeling torn in half is no one's idea of an erotic encounter.

Love and kisses,
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Rach

[PlacentaJuan]

... in ur case babes..only thing a hard on wud get from me is grabbin it hard an haulin ya through 2 kitchen table gettin out choppin block an unretirin Cleave.. lil swing shud do the trik.... shudn take 2 much effort..:bigrin:

Get reel.... even payin for it wudn getya laid!!!:tong:

Being a man hating dyke yet again?

I'm sure you've had sex with women who you were not in love with. Don't be such a hypocrite, like you seem to be as far as your military thread goes.

[jamieknyc]

Your right and I'm not making and drastic decisions right now. But this is the same thing that's been going on since 2006 atleast. I know I was on a high from him being here and I'm coming down from that high. My husband will tell you that I am one that over reacts about everything. But I know that I cannot continue down this same road of being friends, talking to him everyday and meeting him once in awhile for a few days at a time.

I am slowing down, I am breathing and I will continue to calm down. I didn't mean to sound as if I was making a decision today or tomorrow. I just meant that I know at some point something is going to have to change.

That's good to hear. I have been doing this a lot longer, so I know where you are coming from.

If you are feeling spread too thin, that is normal. You're right that something will have to change (for you and I both of us), but there is no telling when that is going to be, or for what reason. Most people in our situation, however, do not end up leaving their spouses, unless they had other reasons that they were leaving their spouses anyway independently of the other man or woman.