How do you end a relationship?

[onewhocares]

A little bit of background.............

In the last few weeks I have been chatting with people here and on Yahoo about the dynamics of relationships. During conversation it came up that the men (2) and women (1) were in the process of trying to end relationships that have seemingly have come to the end. One person is currently looking to find a woman in addition to a man. He has a girl friend but when asked why he has not broken up with her...no intimacy in nearly nine months...he said he has difficulty ending relationships. The other male has come to the mutual decision with his wife that their marriage had run its course as neither were getting their individual needs met. The third, a dear bi lady friend who is not happy in her relationship with her partner( who is a married woman) as the partner seems to be spending less and less time with her over the six months does not know how to end the relationship with out hurting her lady friend.

My question to you all, since I have little experience in ending relationships personally....when do you know it is the right time to say to the person you are with, the one who has meant so much to you......be you married, partnered or just dating....that it is time to part company? How have you handled situations like this in your life?

Belle

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

My Sweet Belle...
Sometimes one just knows when its time to go. When there isnt any intimacy, or hasnt been for a long time. When the relationship is nothing more than a convieniance. Or when both parties arent happy any longer.
I walked away from a 30 year marriage, and believe me, it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to doin my life, But, for my safety,peace of mind and sanity, I Had to. I refused to be a punching bag any longer. It was the best move I ever made..

With this last relationship (4 years) I felt unloved, unwanted sexually, and was made to feel like I was inadiquite. Neither of us was happy, and I made the decision to leave even tho I tried desperately to make it work. I didnt want to feel like a failure like I did with my marriage, but I did for a long time.
Sometimes one needs that sense of self-preservation, and one just cannot fix something that is broken beyond repair. It's never easy to make the decision to leave, but once in a while its a necessity. My heart still hurts over this last one, even tho I promised myself that I wouldnt beat myself up over a situation that I could hold together. One just Knows when its time to give it up, and move on.
Cat, been there, done this....:(

[chulainn2]

my only suggestion is that when you decide that the relationship is over, start eating mexican food right before bedtime. also may i suggest unloading any firearms. i once broke up with a girl and she was so pissed off at me for unloading my nightstand 9mm. which meant she dropped the clip and looked, i think i came close to being a victim of a crime of passion. i decided to take the steak knives after she saw me throw her the finger after she had a bitch fit. silly me, how was i to know that she was going to turn around so soon and and see me afterall i was in my my garage, thats my space.

[ghytifrdnr]

"There must be fifty ways to leave your lover."
~ Paul Simon ~

:bigrin:

I just had to throw that in.

[nathantiffany]

Not with a text message.........that is so rude.

[vittoria]

Very, very carefully. Then run real, real fast. And hopefully one had enough presence of mind to grab all his/her sh*t.

Ever see that Nationwide car insurance commercial where the dOOd and chick are breaking up and she throws out the tv, the lamp, the couch and everything? Think about that...

[Bluebiyou]

How do you know?
For some there is no problem; some kind of limit has been exceeded and no further violations are acceptable.
Often, it is a gray area, where something is not working in the 'equation'.
Sex, personal intimacy, trust...

Two silly but true saying I know of:

It ain't over until it's over.
and
When it's over, it's over.

The first applies when you leave a relationship and keep coming back... and back...
The second applies when there is absolutely no emotional or logical doubt that you are finished.

[onewhocares]

Thanks for the comments.....I was hoping for true to life experiances...but honestly I wish I had thought of the " Fifty ways to Loose your Lover" THAT would have been good for my friend on the Cape.....but Belle here was not quick enough. And Chuilann2...man you crack me up...! It seems that I happen to be a good sounding block...but in this case I have no real personal expericance to offer. I think I can offer a shoulder to lean on and an open mind. A friend always.

Belle

[frenchvikki]

I told my ex husband it was over when he got home from work. He went spare and said I wouldnt dare leave him. I was too scared. So after him mocking me I said I was not leaving him, but his bags would be packed for when he got home from work the following day and he could find somewhere else to stay. The following morning I reminded him of it and he still mocked. When he got home the locks had been changed, his bags packed and left in the front garden. There was a kerfuffle as he tried to break down the door but a passing police car stopped and tried to persuade me to let him come in and sort things out. When I refused, they told him he had better move on, and if he persisted with his antics he would be arrested. It was a bit rough for a few weeks as he tried to get back in, but he got the message eventually and backed off. I am now happily divorced and living a nice and fun life. I am a slave to my own wants no longer to his.

[Bluebiyou]

*Sigh*
Personal experiences.
You bitch. (Don't take it personal - I'm just whining at the challenge).
*Sigh*
I once loved and still love a woman. At any point of our relationship, I would have left all... job, accumulated wealth... nothing mattered except her. If she fell into the gates of hell itself I would have dove in after her without a second thought or regret. This is no exaggeration.
In the cold of winter, there were a few times that she said she was cold. I ripped open my coat and shirt, embraced her, wrapping my insulation (clothes/coat) around her, so she could warm herself against the warmest reserve of my body. Thanking God I had warmth to give her.
The most blessed (and cursed, I suppose) years of my life.
I doubt I shall ever be so in love again.
She had an issue that was incompatible with me (from my perspective).
It took me a while to face it. But I realized I could not live with this. It was simply over my line of what I could tolerate/live with.
I resolved to break up with her (rather than try to do the stupid thing of trying to change her)... tears streaming down my face I broke up with her. My lungs actually collapsed as I cried the words - I couldn't breath - in the middle of telling her. They stuck together like glue. I went through the motions of diaphram, etc, what should make me breath, but the sticky wet walls of the lungs clung together.
She shook me, shouting "Breath, breath!" and suddenly my lungs opened up. I was able to breath again.
Breaking up with her was one of the hardest things I ever did.
Regrets?!?!? Too many to list.
Doubts? None. I knew this was the path I had to take.
*Very heavy sigh*
Is that personal enough for you?

[still_shy]

Ending a relationship is quite possibly one of the toughest things a person will have to do...Here are my personal experiences...take from them what you will

I left my first husband at 25, with a three year old little girl and a quadraplegic father who I was caring for completely. I sat my husband down and quite honestly told him my feelings, that he was not the right person for me, I wasn't in love with him, yada yada yada. When that didn't work, I proceeded to tell him that his crack habit was a little much for me and that he could have everything we owned, all money included, if he would just go away and leave us alone. Apparently the thought of our savings account, which was pretty hefty at the time was good enough to convince him that he needed to cut his losses and go. This has been four years ago, I've since remarried and believe that it was the very best decision I ever made. At the time, I was absolutely terrified at the thought of trying to make it on my own with a small child, no job and a very seriously handicapped father who required 24 hour care. Everyone thought I was insane, he was pretty good at hiding his "habits" from my family. But.....the moral to the story is, although it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, took more courage than anything else...My life is fuller, more rich, more happy than it ever would have been had I let him stay. Sometimes it's easy to stay in a relationship simply for convenience, not out of actual feelings for the person. I can honestly say that those first few months without him, were absolute hell and bliss wrapped up in one. I had freedom, at a cost. But it was worth it.

Hope this helps Belle,
Hillary

[Doggie_Wood]

Not with a text message.........that is so rude.


unless you do it from accross the contry and don't plan to return. HEHEHE

:doggie:

[nnjbicoupleforplay]

Well it may suck or may not be so simple but the best way to do it is give a shocking word here "ultimatum" !!! For both of us this was the case to our ex'es. We both set to them a time frame, I'll change to the best I am capable of but you have to change to, in a specific time frame. If it doesn't work by then I'm gone and absolutely mean it. Whether its mutual or fly by night but go if it doesn't work, take your stuff though you may never see it again. I'll speak for me, the hub, you know its over when you don't feel in love, no communication, sex sucks, and you dread her voice, the same felt for my wife with her ex. Over is over. Don't get me wrong people fight , break up and get back together. However if it happens again there is a sign that you should listen to. If you go back once, okay, again and again its a losing cause. Your needs are important to, and always express them don't just give in and have a lousy relationship forever. Sometimes it happens and then you meet your true love, happened to us, thankfully!!

Michael and Kimberly
njbicoupleforplay


Have you hugged your bi-friend today??

[welickit]

My oldest son came to me when he was 12 and he said: Dad I want to break up with my girlfriend but I want to stay friends with her, how do I do it? I told him what I will tell you. Be honest and as gentle as possible. It probably won't work, she will be upset at first, as time passes and she thinks about it, respect for you will grow and she will be your best friend. If that doesn't happen then I would question how she felt to begin with. Honesty will rule.
I remember how he cried as we sat and talked. It hurt me as much as it did him.
He was honest and open with her and she rejected him. Two months later they were talking and laughing. Six months later they shared everything and were totally open and honest with each other and with me.
Today he has been to Iraq twice and is now in the Afghan theater and he still confides in her and in me. He married someone else but he learned that honesty is a way of life. His wife accepts and appreciates it.
My answer to your question should be obvious.