Is my boyfriend Bi ?

[Elfinia]

I would be grateful if anyone can help me. It's a boyfriend problem.I am a middle aged female who was looking for a compatible man for a serious ( and fun ,) longstanding relationship.

I was " pursued "by a lovely man and we have loads in common. We met on the internet but absolutely not on a dating forum. He kept chasing me down the threads and we had a lot of slightly intellectual but innocent fun. Eventually he posted me his email address and we emailed, then phoned ( always him taking the lead ) and finally met. I felt that in many ways we are a bit like " twins"....so much in common ! I have fallen in love with him. However......I think he is Bi. He hasn't said as much but jokes about it .For example , once he asked me why I hadn't phoned him...and I jokingly said that he might have his " other" girlfriend round ( he doesn't have one btw! ) and he immediately said " or boyfriend " . I also notice that on the " mutual interest" ( as I said NOT dating ) forum that we both belong to and where we met ...he often engages with the openly gay posters ( more than he would with other contributors and sometimes with a slight nudge nudge wink wink sexual innuendo ).....

He really is a lovely ,intelligent , witty ,fun guy....same age as me ( middle aged ) however, I have noticed that his voice and gestures are sometimes very " feminine" / camp.

I have asked him if he is attracted to men...but he never gives a " straight" ( sorry about the pun ) answer. Would he prefer to be with a man? Is he in " denial". He has admitted to gay encounters in his teens ( at a single sex boarding school) but otherwise insists he's attracted to women....but then seems to contradict this by ( IMO) the way he sometimes walks, talks, dresses etc

I love him but I am so CONFUSED . I don't want to dive in , feet first and then have my heart broken by a man who would really prefer to be with a man ( and , because he denies this may go along with my love and then reject me ).

CAN ANYBODY HELP !

[TrimBeardHairyBod]

Hi Elfinia

I would be inclined to ask him again, citing the reasons for your suspicions. Tell him that if your relationship is to progress - as he seems to want it to - you're entitled to a straight answer. No pun intended. If you do this in a calm, non-judgemental and supportive way, he may be more forthcoming.

You might not like what you hear but at the very least, it will help you decide how you wish things to go.

Keep us posted, would you. In the meantime, best of luck!

[DeafF2M]

Sounds to me like you need to have a deeper discussion with him. It is possible that he is bisexual, which should not be a bad thing. If he cares about you, there should not be a problem.

That said, you need to ask him if he prefers men over women, or if his attractions are for both men and women. You could also ask him his stance on monogamy. You may be surprised to find that he is quite monogamous and able to have a substantive relationship with a woman.

Hope that helped some.

[Elfinia]

Thankyou "TrimBHB "( aaargh! You're not him are you ?....cringe with embarrassment as you fit the description ! ) and "Deaf" for your very kind and speedy replies ( this is a lovely easy-to-use forum btw ).

I will gently and tactfully ask him.......and take it from there. I have to say that I find his gentleness and slightly eccentric ,feminine ways very sexy ( ! ) so I don't know what that says about me? He is very artistic , musical and extremely organised and tidy.I'm a jealous lover though and though I might possibly get turned on by him chatting a man up....I don't think I could share him.

I will keep you posted would appreciate any other input from yourselves or other contributors.

Warm regards, Elfinia.

[softfruit]

Even if he's bi, that doesn't mean you have to share him.

Even if he in general prefers boys to girls, it doesn't mean you can't be with him.

I'm making a crude assumption that you're a straight woman here. Feel free to shoot me down in flames if I'm wrong. But taking that as a starting point...

Y'know how, as a straight woman, you could fall for boy A, and get it together and be in love and faithful and all that jazz? And if then boy B came along and happened to be blonde and you had a thing for blondes, nonetheless the bottom line would be you'd chosen boy A and were choosing a monogamous relationship and could stick with that choice regardless?


Same for bi's. Sure, that's a cute girl, that's a cute boy, but when I'm doing monogamy with someone, I'm doing monogamy with someone. End of story. (When I'm not doing monogamy with someone... no, that's a whole other thread :P )


Just cos you're bi doesn't mean you "need" both, in the same way that f'rinstance just cos you're not married doesn't mean you can't be faithful to someone! Some of us feel better in open or multiple relationships, some of us feel better in closed and monogamous ones; and it's not related to being bi or non-bi, I think bi's just talk about it more.

And just cos you in general like people who like like so, it doesn't mean you can't be perfectly happy and content with someone who looks something else - boy, girl, straight, gay or bi.


You're all flirty with him. He's matching you back move for move. Whether he's bi or not, you still need to have much the same conversation about where it's going, and whether he's looking for that whole commitment and monogamy thing, whatever he is. We'll be crossing our fingers for you and expecting an update here soon!

[bidalake]

Well realy its hard to know unless you ask him and even then you won't reaal know 'cause he can lie or don't feel comfortable or ashame to tell you. Honestly if you feel he is bi and you don't agree with it just leave him, and find someone that has the same qualities but not bi. If he had an encounter or two when he was younger the desire is still there.Ask him do he get more enjoyment from oral sex than intercourse..

[gayle]

Ask your boyfriend about his sexual past. In this age of HIV/AIDS, you have to ask these things. Think about it, when you go to your gynecologist, one of the questions they ask is if you have had a male partner who has had gay experiences. (They don't quite say it that way.) His past, if you become sexually active together, becomes your past. Your past affects his health as well.
Is it a "big deal" to you if he is bi? Can you be happy with a bi male? How will you feel if he is bi or gay?
Realize that being bi doesn't mean he's going to cheat on you any more than his being str8 would guarantee that he wouldn't. Everyone, regardless of their sexual orientation, is capable of cheating on a partner. Do you trust him?
If you are going to continue in the relationship, you're going to have to set boundaries, including whether you are going to have an open relationship with both of you free to seek other sexual partners, a closed one (no other sexual partners), or even one where the two of you have sex with another person together.
Decide what feels best for you, whether it be having a relationship with this man or forgoing it. In the end, the person that matters most is the one you have to face in the mirror in the morning. You're always going to have to live with yourself.

[Elfinia]

Thanks for taking the time to reply. Sound advice from Gayle !Thoughtful , kind advice from Softfruit. bidalake hit the spot re: my boyfriend....I think he is afraid maybe , to tell the truth 'cos I'm obviously inexperienced and a bit ignorant on the subject and he thinks I might run for the hills.I didn't mention that he has a drink problem, too. Ain't life complicated ! I wish it were easy for me ,as bidalake casually suggested ,to just leave him and find some kind of alpha male ( familiar territory!)....but I love him and I don't want to...I'll keep you posted.

This may take some time!

btw....can I change the writing that appears on my browser for this site ? My son( aged 13) was worried about the word " bisexual "...that his schoolfriends might see it on the browser, so he put it in the waste bin and it took me ages to find the site again!

[softfruit]

If you hover over your bookmarks/favourites list and click the right hand mouse button then you should be able to Rename it as something innocent sounding that you know sounds like a subject his mates won't want to look at -- Knitting Circle or something :)

Alternatively you might think about installing a separate browser program so that e.g. he uses Internet Explorer to surf the web, and you use Firefox.

Otherwise just entering "bisexual" and hitting CTRL+ENTER should bring you straight here in most browsers.

[Elfinia]

Thankyou Softfruit. I now have " How to Knit" on my browser!

I should like to add that I watched ( by accident...the TV just happened to be on ) a weird programme last night on commercial TV called something like "Tatiana's sex secrets" or some such rubbish.......it was quite tackily directed but it was all about strange sexual facts concerning creatures throughout the animal kingdom, and each time comparing these facts to the behaviour of human- beings.

Anyhow , there was one " bug" of some kind where the male of the species kept a harem. When he wasn't " servicing " his ladies, his day was spent guarding his home and allowing ( he thought ) only females to enter , as new additions to his collection of concubines.

Well, some of the males of this specie, it turns out, get around him by looking and behaving like females ( although they are male). He unwittingly lets them into his his nest and while he carries on earnestly guarding the harem the " girlyboy" screws all his ladies behind his back !!

The programme went on to describe a specie of lizard that exhibits similar behaviour.....they had different colours on their throat for the two types of male 1. Submissive girly males ( my terminology! ) 2. Alpha males...On examining the genes of these lizards, it has been discovered that the girly males were far more successful in passing on their characteristics than the Alpha males. ( ie. they had more success with the ladies ). Interesting.

Back to my boyfriend, I definitely find his girly ways, looks ( although he has a beard ! ) movements ,gentleness and voice inflection a " turn on".He always notices how my hair is done and makes suggestions , helps me buy clothes ( or buys them for me ),likes to clean my suede boots with some kind of a special brush he purchased just for that, cooks me delicious food , beautifully presented and is quite happy when I don't do a thing except sit down and eat it.He loves my cat and is kinder to him than I am ! Buys me cutesy presents...
...actually, he's more " feminine" ,in the stereotypical way, than I am.....except that he would never use the cutesy stuff he buys me ( things I would never normally buy but nevertheles tasteful ), but he likes it when I do .In some ways it feels like he's encouraging me to enjoy my natural " femaleness" and it feels very sweet and warm.

Maybe I should stop worrying so much and just enjoy him !

Best wishes to you all, Elfinia .....learning so much from this site !

P.S. I think I'm straight...I tried that "Kinsey" test and scored 2 to 3 -ish ... I wasn't sure about my answers to some of the questions !

[gayle]

Elfinia,
My advice is to worry less about your sexual orientation and that of your boyfriend and just to enjoy sex. You say you think you're str8. You probably are. You think your boyfriend is bi due to his effiminate ways. Maybe he is, maybe he isn't. However, since he doesn't seem inclined to tell you "Hey, honey, I'm bi" or "Hey honey, I'm gay," then the best you can do is, as I advised before, to ask if he's had sexual encounter with men. You might question his sexual history in general, but prepared to answer questions about your own past. Be open. If you feel he'd be receptive to it, you might show him some of the postings here.
Explore your sexual desires together and just enjoy. Of course, practice "safe sex", which I'd advise anyone to do. While I don't deny that our sexual orientation is a big chunk of our personality, but that doesn't mean it's something we need to be continually discussing/questioning.
Define the boundaries of your relationship together. Open? Closed? A mix of the two?
The key to any lasting relationship is honesty, not sexuality. While we might be able to enjoy sex without open, honest communication, it's unlikely we'll enjoy any lasting relationship without trusting one another.
I know I've had to deal with whether or not my boyfriend was bi or gay. It took him awhile to finally tell me he was bi. I have to admit that I admire the courage he displayed by finally telling me the truth. I knew nothing about bisexuality and the last few months have been quite the experience. I've been learning about it from him, and now learning more in this forum. While he'd like to believe that I am bi and just don't know it (neat trick), I know I am str8. I've even told him that I'm "hopelessly heterosexual." Too many good looking men out there for me to be interested in women I guess. I've just never felt the desire to be with a woman. This doesn't mean I won't ever participate in a f/f/m 3some to satisfy his fantasy, but by no means do I spend my days or nights dreaming about it. He seems to have finally accepted that I am str8 and we're now able to communicate honestly about sex, our past sexual activity & about things we might like to try in the future. I can honestly say the sex has gotten better and better as we have begun communicating more and more. I no longer feel hesitant to ask him questions and I know he is comfortable asking me questions.
Best wishes to you, that you will find your way to a long-lasting and mutually satisfying relationship! :wiggle2:

[kenny]

Just ask him if he likes both, lots of us do. If thats something you can accept, then great. Just sounds to me like he's feeling out the situation.

[softfruit]

If I were Elfina I'd be worried about posting a glowing description of my boy online like that -- they'll be queueing up round the block in the morning to try and get him off you!! :P

[Topperno1]

Elfinia,
You can't tell that a man is gay or bi based only on the way he dresses or acts. I know guys who are macho but love to be with other guys. I know rich boys who appear to be complete sissies but love eating pussy!
I'd have a conversation with him about it. First, are you comfortable with a bi-sexual man? If not, maybe this is not the man for you. If you are comfortable with it let him know.
I really think the best way to find out what people like to get up to in the bedroom is to ask them.

[DÆMØN]

Monogamy ? Maybe you might consider the better option of Polyamory, Loving more than one ;) , re: The Ethical Slut ( Dossie Easton
Catherine A. Liszt ) and The New Love Without Limits: Secrets of Sustainable Intimate Relationships (Dr. Deborah Anapol). Further info on this and other related books for your beloved bookshelf can be found @ http://www.polychromatic.com/ Give it a whirl you've got nothing to lose and o0odles to gain. *Cheers*

[BiShadoman]

Elfinia, Just because a man likes to cook,shop,decorate,etc. doesn't mean that he is gay or bi. Neither does a man looking effeminate mean that he is gay or bi. If this is something that you can't wait for him to bring up then you need to find some tactful way of broaching tha subject in a non threatening way. You might try bringing it up while you are being intimate.
You need to search inside yourself and ask if the idea of the two of you sharing another man appeals to you or if just watching him with another man or even hearing about it excites you or if it does anything for you sexually.
Now use the results of your searching in your approach to asking him what he thinks about this situation or that situation. Do not make any assumptions, also try and word your questions so he actually has to give a definitive answer not a general one and don't let him change the subject.
Above all always be honest. You may also need to reassure him that if he is bi that you will not love him any less and that you will not out him to anyone. As always if you are not sure about something then you should ask in a tactful, kind, and considerate way. Best wishes to the both of you.
Out of the Shados

[jazzer]

I find your concern about your male friend interesting in that you feel you may lose him to another man if he is bisexual. Let's assume that he is heterosexual. Why aren't you concerned that you may lose this man to another woman. I think that you are more concerned about being vulnerable and hurt if you pursue a relationship with this guy, rather than the nature of his sexuality. Being in love makes us all vulnerable. Tell him about your feelings and be open and frank with your dealings with each other. Talking things over now may save a lot of heartache later. Good luck and I hope you find the happiness and love that we all seek. :)

[theknight]

lol....u r tooooooo much curious in it i hope he will come up to ur expectation and show urself a 'straight" which u want him to be :tongue:

[marysueiowacd]

Not sure if he is bi or not but maybe he is a crossdresser. Ask him if he would wear panties for you in bed and get your answere. My opinion anyway.

[bigbadmax]

LOOK PEOPLE....THIS THREAD IS OVER 5 YES 5 YEARS OLD.. IS HE BI? AS SHE AINT BEEN HERE FOR SEVERAL YEARS, WE WILL NEVER KNOW.

THINK PEOPLE WHEN REPLYING TO THREADS!

[MrBisex]

Basically does it really matter what he is as long as you have true feelings for each other ?

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Back to my boyfriend, I definitely find his girly ways, looks ( although he has a beard ! ) movements ,gentleness and voice inflection a " turn on".He always notices how my hair is done and makes suggestions , helps me buy clothes ( or buys them for me ),likes to clean my suede boots with some kind of a special brush he purchased just for that, cooks me delicious food , beautifully presented and is quite happy when I don't do a thing except sit down and eat it.He loves my cat and is kinder to him than I am ! Buys me cutesy present..actually, he's more " feminine" ,in the stereotypical way, than I am.....except that he would never use the cutesy stuff he buys me ( things I would never normally buy but nevertheles tasteful ), but he likes it when I do .In some ways it feels like he's encouraging me to enjoy my natural " femaleness" and it feels very sweet and warm.
Maybe I should stop worrying so much and just enjoy him !

lol Girlfriend you had better grab this one with both hands. He sounds like a keeper, even if he is Bi. But seriously, sit down and have an honset discussion with him, and let him know before this relationship progresses that you'd like to know where ya stand. And if he Is bit, then you may have a world of delight on your plate...if you are open minded enogh for that. I can tell you from past experiances that its Wonderful.
Good luck Sweetie, and keep us posted.:}
Cat

[bizel]

LOOK PEOPLE....THIS THREAD IS OVER 5 YES 5 YEARS OLD.. IS HE BI? AS SHE AINT BEEN HERE FOR SEVERAL YEARS, WE WILL NEVER KNOW.

THINK PEOPLE WHEN REPLYING TO THREADS!

clever bunny!!! never thought to check the date (never noticed it had a date). you're not just a pretty face! thanks for the heads-up. b