Overwhelmed

[Just.Me]

I am a bisexual wife that has been buried in the title of wife for 2 years now. I love my husband more than anything and though he has been hard on me, I want to make this life we have made together work. I have never had to "play it strait" in any of my relationships before so I have never known what my life would be like without bisexuality nor did I know how big of a role it plays in my personality. When we started dating, my husband never hid his dislike for me being with women and since I love him so much I swore that I would give it up for him. It did not take long before I started feeling smothered and trapped by this and came to realize that this was going to be hard, but he was worth it.
Fast forward two years, my husband and I have separated due to his inability to not take out his past that I had nothing to do with, on me exclusively. With this separation we have discovered our true issue the whole time has been his insecurity about my sexuality. I find myself very angry that he kept this from me the whole time and did some very hurtful things to me purely because of this. So now, we are trying to work through this and he is trying to accept me as a bisexual but I feel he is focusing on only that. He has been researching bisexuality and other forms of alternate sexualities and questions me on mine. I feel overly bombarded with these questions and know that he means well but I am more than just a bisexual. He puts heavy weight on any sort of relationship I have with women and is now pushing me to have sex with another women just so we can "get it over with" so he can know how bad it will hurt him. I have never been overly sexed with women, I am comfortable having sex with a woman once a year, even less at times... it is not as big a deal as he is making it out, I just want him to see that but I don't want to hurt him in order to achieve that. I just want to be accepted by my husband for who I am without having to have all parts of me on display...

I don't know what to do to relieve this pressure that he is putting on me so we can get back to working on us, since that is really my main concern. I will never have a relationship with a woman, I have tried it and know that I don't like it. How am I to help my husband see that I want the relationship we have to work, and to be seen as more than a bisexual, to be seen as his wife for what I feel would be the first time.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

So do like many of the women in my Lifestyle group does. Go to a Lifestyle party every now and then. If he doesnt wish to come along, so be it. He is selfishly denying you your personal desire and that's wrong of him. Have you ever asked him if he'd like to watch, or actively participate? Hell, he might like that..
It doesnt have to be all the time, and if he doesnt want to be present, then fine and dandy on that too. Just put your foot down and tell him that for this relationship to work that you have to have your personal freedoms to endulge in what is natural for You. And if he cannot conform to that then you two will have to either come up with a compromise, or its simply not going to work out.

Go on-line and check out Lifestyle groups near you and attend one of their parties or events, both of you, then decide what the best solution for you might be. I know of women who come to the parties to get some release and their husbands either dont know, or simply dont care. Either way Sugar, do whats best for you in the long run.
Best of luck. :}
Cat

[csrakate]

While I appreciate what Cat has offered you as advice, I have to take exception to the "ultimatum" route. By declaring that it's your way or no way is merely going to exacerbate his fears and make him feel more threatened by your sexuality. One thing I do have issues with, however, is how he has acted out against you because of your sexuality and I truly feel that you need to get to the core of THAT behavior before you can progress any further with your marriage and/or your sexuality issues. I am the wife of a bisexual man and while it has taken me many years to come to terms with his sexuality, I never once used it to hurt him or demean him or to act irrationally towards him. The fact that he behaved in such a manner is more of a red flag than the issue of your sexuality. You need to perhaps seek some counseling over this where someone can mediate between the two of you in a non threatening manner. He obviously has some major issues and until he can come to grips with those, no way any amount of research is going to enlighten him.

That being said, I realize that his "research" is burdening you somewhat, but try to understand how he might be feeling. I recall feelings of fear, fear so deep that it consumed me at times. I feared that I wasn't good enough for him..that I could never satisfy him sexually...that anytime we had sex he might be thinking of something else and not me. It wasn't until I actually opened up and shared those fears with him that we truly were able to move ahead and try to work together for me to get past them. In turn, he also shared his feelings with me...feelings of shame and regret for having the sexual desires that he had. He became forced to hide from me whenever he wanted to look at porn. But worse than having to hide from me and the shame that it forced upon him were his feelings that I didn't accept him for who HE was. The one thing he told me the night that he disclosed his bisexuality was he didn't want to live the rest of his life as a lie....that being bisexual was part of who he was and unless I could understand and accept that part of him, he felt as though I could never truly accept him at all! It broke my heart to think that I could be so selfish as to deny a very real part of him and it was at that moment that I became determined to try and understand a bit more...try to open up my mind a bit and learn what I could. I came to this site as a result....doing "research" on my own. Meeting other bisexuals taught me that I had nothing to fear...taught me that I was not alone and taught me that I truly could accept his sexuality without it threatening me or my marriage.

Sorry for the long post but I simply wanted to help you to understand a bit more about what may be going through his mind. I urge the two of you to sit down and talk....talk openly and honestly and try to allay the fears and concerns of the other. No marriage of a bisexual and a straight spouse can survive unless you do. Believe me...it works...we have been married for 28 years now and we have a good marriage and a wonderful sex life. I also need to add that my husband has been monogamous with me during this 28 years, so yes...it is very possible for you to be devoted to him as a wife and that your sexuality does NOT have to be the focus of your relationship. It's time he started looking at you as a woman and his wife, not a bisexual woman who's unmet desires might threaten his security.

I wish you both the best...but please try to address these concerns and make sure that you both can find a mutually satisfying way to understand the other. Then and only then can your marriage possibly survive.

Hugs,
Kate

[FalconAngel]

Being seen as more than just your sexuality is sometimes as difficult as being seen as more than just you gender or more than just your religion. It can be crippling to you through no fault of your own.

The biggest thing is that he is trying to come to terms with an aspect of you that he does not understand. It doesn't matter what questions he has. Answer them honestly and make sure that he understands where you stand and how you feel about everything related to your sexuality.

It's a lot of pressure, but once he understands completely, then his attitude will change.
And if it doesn't change, then you should move on and be done with it. A spouse that cares more about their own needs than yours is not good, but a spouse that cannot talk to you and be honest about their fears will never be any good for you or himself.

[frikidiki]

I believe you should seek a marriage counselor for this one. I'll explain below, but first, you need to be sure that this counselor does not have a bias against our kind. Any decent, perceptive counselor should be able to see that your bisexuality is not the real issue, but they are people, too.

What particularly concerns me is what I read about him supposedly wanting you to have sex with a woman to hasten the end. He seems to have fears that he can't have all of you; if this is true, then possession is a problem with him. I understand this very well, because in my own way I've had the same problem in the past.

That old saying about setting someone free to see if they come back, is tailor-made for this very situation. I think you would go back to him if he did set you free; but would he appreciate what you are bringing back?

His insecurity could drive him to hurt you. Neither of you really want to end this at all, let alone badly.

Good luck, and God bless.

[jem_is_bi]

I am a bisexual wife that has been buried in the title of wife for 2 years now. I love my husband more than anything and though he has been hard on me, I want to make this life we have made together work. I have never had to "play it strait" in any of my relationships before so I have never known what my life would be like without bisexuality nor did I know how big of a role it plays in my personality. When we started dating, my husband never hid his dislike for me being with women and since I love him so much I swore that I would give it up for him. It did not take long before I started feeling smothered and trapped by this and came to realize that this was going to be hard, but he was worth it.
Fast forward two years, my husband and I have separated due to his inability to not take out his past that I had nothing to do with, on me exclusively. With this separation we have discovered our true issue the whole time has been his insecurity about my sexuality. I find myself very angry that he kept this from me the whole time and did some very hurtful things to me purely because of this. So now, we are trying to work through this and he is trying to accept me as a bisexual but I feel he is focusing on only that. He has been researching bisexuality and other forms of alternate sexualities and questions me on mine. I feel overly bombarded with these questions and know that he means well but I am more than just a bisexual. He puts heavy weight on any sort of relationship I have with women and is now pushing me to have sex with another women just so we can "get it over with" so he can know how bad it will hurt him. I have never been overly sexed with women, I am comfortable having sex with a woman once a year, even less at times... it is not as big a deal as he is making it out, I just want him to see that but I don't want to hurt him in order to achieve that. I just want to be accepted by my husband for who I am without having to have all parts of me on display...

I don't know what to do to relieve this pressure that he is putting on me so we can get back to working on us, since that is really my main concern. I will never have a relationship with a woman, I have tried it and know that I don't like it. How am I to help my husband see that I want the relationship we have to work, and to be seen as more than a bisexual, to be seen as his wife for what I feel would be the first time.


He is too possessive of you. You need more freedom to be you than he is willing to give you. That is the problem. Your sexuality is just a small part of that issue. That is the issue you need to resolve. Good luck! You will need much, much more than good luck.:(

I am a very independent person and can only tolerate and give and receive love, respect and friendship to other very independent people. With all others that want to claim me, own me and control me, I feel like a trapped animal. Escape is the only option. Avoidance is a better policy.

[innaminka]

Normally I'm sympatheic - not this time.
Reading your post - how awful - darlin' its over!

You are showing many similarities to the symptoms of "Battered Wife Syndrome." (An anology, I'm not suggesting you are in any way.)

In my honest opinion, your husband is carrying too many fears, insecurities, jealousies, whatevers to really encompass the whole you.

You are the one who would have to sublimate yourself and your personality to fit his mould.

Is that for you???

[Mr. X]

I understand that I have been way to hard on my wife. I have broken many of my vows to her, I have broken her heart and other things as well.

I have been focused on only one issue at a time when things got tough between us. I have failed in far to many ways to be the man I should have been.

I must admit when I read the last reply here I broke down and started crying but then I realized that may be very true. I feel awful...

There will never be another day that I am like I was, if I was to ever even feel something bottle up or that I started to resent her, I would simply let her know that I am not strong enough and walk away.

I feel that if you truly love someone you are able to do this. I know that If I love myself first, instead of focusing on others all the time I will be able to love others just as much if not more then myself.

Perhaps she says to hear self I do love him but their has been to much damage caused, I am ready to accept this as that may be the case, but I want to be something that I know that I can be. It will take a few more tears on my part and a lot of love from her still but I know that we can be in a healthy relationship and grow together.

I would love nothing more then to spend the rest of my life making her happy and comfortable with her self. I would to have the chance to look back at this point in our life as the most important step I ever took.

I am sorry but I wish to learn and grow even if perhaps it's to late.

[Bluebiyou]

:)
I see true love growing.

... and when I say something like that, I'm dead serious and not fucking around.

You two clearly love each other...
...and while the next outcome/situation may be difficult...
...you have the ultimate prime material.
you two are clearly in love with each other...
... the rest are details.
If he has an overwhelming need to kill little furry creatures with a rifle... if she needs some fraction of feminine intimacy ... if he needs to play video games or surf internet porn and eat Cheetoes...
Please don't go to a 'christian' marriage counselor. This is still love and marriage, but beyond their capacity.
In my opinion, y'all "got what it takes", but getting to the:
"I'm okay, s/he's okay" point... will take learning, growing...
The bummer about growing... the real significant growing in my life has always been accompanied by pain... yet, looking back on every bit of growth, it was a bargain at the price. I wouldn't give up the least bit of growth... this helps me to face future pain... I have felt pain... pain to the very center of my soul... and I lived... and grew.
:)
Best wishes you two... I think you've got what it takes... the REAL hard part is your growth.
Pontificating:
There comes a time in every relationship where it terminates or culminates.
...I won't fuck with you... the 'culmination' -or growth- is no daisy. It is hard. If you each love the other more than life itself, then you will love, accept, and nurture what the other loves.
...and still every individual... him and her, must have the total freedom without infringement, influence, or coercion; "this is what I choose".
The height of existence is to love someone, and for them to make love to us, looking us straight in the eye, of totally free will, and say "I love you".
Good luck. You two are on the high track. It ain't easy, but it's the best in this existence.
Bluebiyou

[frikidiki]

...you two are clearly in love with each other...the rest are details...Please don't go to a 'christian' marriage counselor[; t]his is still love and marriage, but beyond their capacity...There comes a time in every relationship where it terminates or culminates...

I want to chip in and say I agree for the most part with bluebiyou.

I posted something on this website several weeks ago about love not just being felt but proven. This is cliché to some, pop psych to others, but it is a common-sense truth that is all too easily overlooked by all of us mere mortals. Your feelings of affection for each other, though valid, important, and necessary, are not enough. They should be a motivator, not a goal. It's like they say also that success is a journey, not a final destination. I can see that y'all are on the cusp of realizing and applying this, if you don't realize it already.

I still think a marriage counselor would help. A good one or two will help you make something good out of this. I don't agree that you should avoid the Christian perspective entirely, but I do want to clarify that the traditional and fundamentalist varieties will not be right for this. There are some important points about human relations to be found in love-based Christian thinking. Nor also should you rely solely on one perspective. Counselors are people, be they religious or secular, and neither side has a monopoly on open- or closed-minded thinking.