A question for regular forum users

[Toad82]

I recently joined another forum online. Since I joined I seem to piss a lot of people off by them not understanding what I wrote. To me my writing is very clear to understand, but I am starting to think I am wrong. I have been a member here for quite a while and the same thing has happened here as well. And it happens other places I have posted as well.

My questions are for those that have seen enough of my writing, am I really that confusing when I write or do people not fully read things?


I just had a guy from another site get pissed with me for making fun of a man that is still grieving for his partner of almost 30 years dying. From what I wrote I don’t understand how anyone could think I was attacking anyone.

I have been on this board for the longest so I was hoping someone could point out where my writing style goes wrong.



RJ:lokai:

[Realist]

Toad,

I have sometimes wondered, "What in hell is he thinking?" when reading some things you've written. But, I'm more or less a live-and-let-live type of fellow, who rarely wears my feelings on my sleeve. I don't remember taking offense at things you've posted.

I know that comments about friends, or family, especially those who may have died, can be very touchy subjects.

Having said that, I have reread some things I've posted and wondered the same thing, though! My thought process has been known to wander, if I'm on some kind of mental multi-tasking mission.

Some people are very sensitive and react in ways that mystify me, so I tend to write in a way that hopefully will not cause friction.

I know, if I am trying to project a thought, or idea, and if I do it in a careless manner, the thing I want to express may be ignored. Then, the subject I intended to share takes on a new life and goes off on some other path.

However, if I want to make a point that I feel strongly about, I won't care if it offends, or not!

[Hephaestion]

Dear Toad,

".........I just had a guy from another site get pissed with me for making fun of a man that is still grieving for his partner of almost 30 years dying. From what I wrote I don’t understand how anyone could think I was attacking anyone....."

In the above is probably an answer:

Take the phrase "......for making fun of a man..."
If that is what you actually did then the obvious question arises 'what right have you to make fun of a man in such circumstances?' and predictably he is annoyed with you.

OR

probably what you mean is:
"...the man took it that I was making fun of him....."

I deduce the latter because later on you say:
"......From what I wrote I don’t understand how anyone could think I was attacking anyone....."

English can be so ambivalent in its meaning. At times this can be an advantage which allows satire to be thrown. At times it can lead to the most dreadful misinterpretation. This last is likely what has happened to you.

Agreed that none of us get it right all of the time. However, perhaps such circumstances as you depict warrant that teensy weensy little bit more care.

There are several maxims that come to mind two of which are offered in goodwill:

a) "Measure twice, cut once"
b) "Start the Brain, select the mouth, release clutch gently"

Regards

H.

[Realist]

Ha!

My grandfather, who was one of the most intelligent persons I ever knew, used to say, "When communicating: select proper mental gear for intelligent interaction, then release clutch on mouth slowly!"

Oh, how I wished I'd learned sooner to follow his instructions!

[_Joe_]

Ha!

My grandfather, who was one of the most intelligent persons I ever knew, used to say, "When communicating: select proper mental gear for intelligent interaction, then release clutch on mouth slowly!"

Oh, how I wished I'd learned sooner to follow his instructions!


Then there's some of us that have 4x4 wheel drive with a hemi and no steering wheel...

[12voltman59]

Toad----I too seem to have this problem at times----someone will make an observation about something I said that was 180 degrees from what I meant---in some cases I didn't put things down clearly---but in others---if the person read the entire post and paid attention to some of the other hints I placed in the post---I was engaging in hyberbole----

It does seem to be part and parcel to posting up on the web---so many people are so sensitive these days---it is pretty easy to bend someone out of shape with just about everything you might write-----if I feel necessary to do so--I do go back and try to make it clear what my point was---but that often only seems to dig a deeper hole with some---so you really have to wonder if its worth even bothering to try to explain yourself----even if they get what you said---or was trying to say--not everyone is going to agree with you and the only way to not have this problem----don't post up things--but that is not really a viable option as far as I am concerned---

I guess you just have to get some thick skin and know that if you post up on the web or in print for that matter---you are bound to offend or piss someone off at some point.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Well thats easy. Why in the world would you make fun of someone for losing a partner or spouse?? It wasnt your writiting it was your lack of sensitivity. It doesnt matter that its been 30 years or 30 days, that's still something that painful to That person. Maybe I'm a little sensitive myself right now with my recent loss, but I know I'd get pissed too if you made fun of me in that situation. As a fellow writer I can tell you: It isnt what you write, its what you say and convey....
Cat

[Toad82]

Well thats easy. Why in the world would you make fun of someone for losing a partner or spouse?? It wasnt your writiting it was your lack of sensitivity. It doesnt matter that its been 30 years or 30 days, that's still something that painful to That person. Maybe I'm a little sensitive myself right now with my recent loss, but I know I'd get pissed too if you made fun of me in that situation. As a fellow writer I can tell you: It isnt what you write, its what you say and convey....
Cat

One more person that needs to reread what has been wrote already.... You are having an emotional response and overlooked the entire point.

[Toad82]

Toad,

I have sometimes wondered, "What in hell is he thinking?" when reading some things you've written.

I am curious, can you point one out?

[Toad82]

This is what I wrote on the other forum.


Do you still think about your first love or have contact with them still?

One of the answers was…


I do. Every minute of everyday. See, I met Steve when we were 18 and spent the next 33 yrs. together until he was suddenly taken away from me 22 months ago. I'm still pissed! Oh, It gets easier, they say, I don't think so.

I responded;

his quote

Oh, It gets easier, they say, I don't think so.

my quote

It always pisses me off when people say things like that.

To which another guy wrote…


Give him a break Thynight. The man he loved and was with for 33 years died 22 months ago. I doubt I'd be finding it easier to get over something like that in so short a time period.



A mod and the man that lost his partner stuck up for me. From all this can you please point out what syntax I should have wrote different. I know with my AS my social interaction skills suck. Its why I don’t post more often, but I still don’t see how anyone could misunderstand me. Also for the record, for anyone reading my writings I tend to write exactly what I mean, although I do understand what Hephaestion said. I need to work on it.

[MaybeSayMaybe]

Well kiddo, sounds to me like you suffer from a moderate case of foot-in-mouth disease with a dash of political tin ear. But as the saying goes, you ain't doing nothing that hasn't been done before. And anyway, you fit in here, so don't get upset about not standing out too much.

I'm a little bit the same way, but I plead innocent, because I know why I'm doing it that way.

[rissababynta]

It looks to me like the person thought that when you said it pisses you off when people say that, you were getting on this persons case for saying it themselves when in reality you meant that you really don't like it when people say things to you in order to try to make pain easier. It's hard to read what people actually mean when it is just text.

Once, I commented on a post here that I had to reread something twice. I got someone blowing up on me because they thought I was mocking them (i guess because they thought that I had found their post humorous so I simply just HAD to read it again) but in reality, I was just making a simple statement, that I had to read it twice, and the reasoning was because the first time I got a little lost by what they were posting about and I had to read it again....

See how crap gets started?

[bret5668]

Sometimes when people read things here (or in type in general) it can be difficult to determine context, conversely when hearing someones voice you can for the most part easily determine this context. I have had a number of conversations with people in type and I or they are wondering exactly what a particular statement was intended to mean. I'm not saying this response to your question is the answer, simply a possibility.

[rolandiscool]

I think the problem is no matter how "Sensative" you think you are being, someone else will think it is rude. When we are writing it is hard to convey sarcasum or other non offensive emotions to the reader. People always have a preconcived notion as to how the world in general will treat them, and regardless of how you mean it, they will always ASSUME you are being mean/nice/indefferent, etc. The hardest part about asking tough questions is no matter who you address it too, someone is going to be upset. Perhaps people think your line of questioning has an a secret motive? I am not sure Toad, I can't make the judgement since I haven't read everything you wrote NOR can I say I have been in every situation everyone else has been in. The best thing you can do is take it all with a grain of salt and rememember everyone is an asshole sometimes. :)

[Lonewolf76]

Well, after I read your comments to the man - I would have to agree 100% with Rissa - That is the first thing that jumped out at me - was the fact that your comment of "It always pisses me off when people say things like that" was misconstrued as attacking the man still mourning his loss - when if fact you meant it in general of people who try to gloss over loss. My only suggestion would be to be slightly more detailed - Maybe something like --"It always pisses me off when people say things like that - to try ease your pain - when it really doesn't help at all." Then it would've been more obvious that you meant it as a general statement and not as an attack. I can see where they made that assumption - but I can also see where you didn't mean that at all. As mentioned earlier - written text doesn't coney the context of the message being sent - the emotion behind it - so it leaves it open for interpreation and sometimes it is interpreted incorrectly. My own personal opinion is that the only way to combat that is to be more detailed in what you type. Short quick responses aren't always the best ones. But, having said that - there are still people that will take it wrong and be pissed off no matter what you type. I think someone earlier said - you have to have a thick skin - that's true as well. The old saying applies here. You can't please everyone all the time. Hope that helped. LW

[rissababynta]

Well, after I read your comments to the man - I would have to agree 100% with Rissa - That is the first thing that jumped out at me - was the fact that your comment of "It always pisses me off when people say things like that" was misconstrued as attacking the man still mourning his loss - when if fact you meant it in general of people who try to gloss over loss. My only suggestion would be to be slightly more detailed - Maybe something like --"It always pisses me off when people say things like that - to try ease your pain - when it really doesn't help at all." Then it would've been more obvious that you meant it as a general statement and not as an attack. I can see where they made that assumption - but I can also see where you didn't mean that at all. As mentioned earlier - written text doesn't coney the context of the message being sent - the emotion behind it - so it leaves it open for interpreation and sometimes it is interpreted incorrectly. My own personal opinion is that the only way to combat that is to be more detailed in what you type. Short quick responses aren't always the best ones. But, having said that - there are still people that will take it wrong and be pissed off no matter what you type. I think someone earlier said - you have to have a thick skin - that's true as well. The old saying applies here. You can't please everyone all the time. Hope that helped. LW


Wolf I always love when you agree with me ;)

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

I just had a guy from another site get pissed with me for making fun of a man that is still grieving for his partner of almost 30 years dying. From what I wrote I don’t understand how anyone could think I was attacking anyone.

Wasnt an emotional responce, just what "I" persueved(SP) Its my humble opinion.
Cat

[Lonewolf76]

Wolf I always love when you agree with me ;)

Howwwwwwllllllllll! :devil: LOL LW

[FalconAngel]

Ha!

My grandfather, who was one of the most intelligent persons I ever knew, used to say, "When communicating: select proper mental gear for intelligent interaction, then release clutch on mouth slowly!"

Oh, how I wished I'd learned sooner to follow his instructions!

That's a lot like the one that my Maternal Grandfather used to say "Engage brain before opening mouth."

Toad, is it possible that the way you write could be a case of needing more editing time prior to posting?

I, too, have looked at some of the things that you wrote and thought "HUH?".

I think that we are all guilty of it and none of us are immune to it. Sometimes I have taken such pains as to spend, literally, hours to write something to prevent misunderstanding.

However, when you run into someone who is intent on being insulted (at all costs), they will find a reason, no matter how much you edit and re-write before hand.

Perhaps you should write and apologize for any unintended insult that may have been read into your post.
It may help the situation and it certainly couldn't hurt. I know that I've done that more than a few times under similar circumstances.

Part of the problem with communicating on the web, and I am not the first to say this, is that we cannot tell vocal inflection in a written missive online, so it oftentimes requires us to do more editing/rewriting before we post.

[FalconAngel]

This is what I wrote on the other forum.



One of the answers was…



I responded;

his quote


my quote


To which another guy wrote…





A mod and the man that lost his partner stuck up for me. From all this can you please point out what syntax I should have wrote different. I know with my AS my social interaction skills suck. Its why I don’t post more often, but I still don’t see how anyone could misunderstand me. Also for the record, for anyone reading my writings I tend to write exactly what I mean, although I do understand what Hephaestion said. I need to work on it.

Well, it certainly sounds as if the one guy just wanted to be offended, even if it was for someone else. Guess that he figured that the person he was offended for was unable to be offended for himself.

Stupid people abound in the world.

[rissababynta]

Howwwwwwllllllllll! :devil: LOL LW

*shivers* lmao

[Toad82]

Well thats easy. Why in the world would you make fun of someone for losing a partner or spouse?? It wasnt your writiting it was your lack of sensitivity. It doesnt matter that its been 30 years or 30 days, that's still something that painful to That person. Maybe I'm a little sensitive myself right now with my recent loss, but I know I'd get pissed too if you made fun of me in that situation. As a fellow writer I can tell you: It isnt what you write, its what you say and convey....
Cat


Wasnt an emotional responce, just what "I" persueved(SP) Its my humble opinion.
Cat

Semantics maybe, but by definition that is an emotional response.

[Toad82]

Perhaps you should write and apologize for any unintended insult that may have been read into your post.

There is no need. Like I said before the man who lost his partner & a mod was on my side and set it straight. Also the person that was offended knows he was wrong and wants it to go away. I've talked to him. This was about me wanting to know how to get my point accross better, not the incident itself.

[darkeyes]

b) "Start the Brain, select the mouth, release clutch gently"

Regards

H.Jus as well ya don hav me in mind wen ya sez this Heph.. tee hee:bigrin:

[rebecca2009]

It really depends on how the person understands what you are writing.People will take from what you what they want to read or hear if that makes sense.


I recently joined another forum online. Since I joined I seem to piss a lot of people off by them not understanding what I wrote. To me my writing is very clear to understand, but I am starting to think I am wrong. I have been a member here for quite a while and the same thing has happened here as well. And it happens other places I have posted as well.

My questions are for those that have seen enough of my writing, am I really that confusing when I write or do people not fully read things?


I just had a guy from another site get pissed with me for making fun of a man that is still grieving for his partner of almost 30 years dying. From what I wrote I don’t understand how anyone could think I was attacking anyone.

I have been on this board for the longest so I was hoping someone could point out where my writing style goes wrong.



RJ:lokai:

[proseros]

You can't apologize for another person's choice to interpret what you are saying with THEIR emotions. People in forums run with the empty entertainment fan-fare they provide and create drama for no other reason than to have something to indulge and generate self-riteous high point in their day. Either way you aren't responsible for what they feel or how they want to twist your words in their own small minds to mean what they want to hear and rally their insubstantial "feelings" behind substantive facts, whether to embellish, enflame, or obfuscate those facts.

Tell em' "kunee-chee-wah byiotch!" And keep it moving...