How offten do you think about dying?

[retrowordsmith]

I'm a Kinsey rated four with a oral fixation and I attribute this fixation to my dodging a bullet when I was a teenager. I was born and raised in New Jersey a use to cruse the Village in Manhattan back when A.I.D.S. Was know as G.R.I.D.S. (Gay Related, or so it was thought) I went through the first rounds of deaths offering some emotion support to the dying but little else and I feel guilt over this.

Admittedly engaging exclusivity in oral sex in no guarantee you won't contact A.I.D.S. However, I believe it reduced the Odds for me.

As time passed I convinced myself I was just a kid experimenting with my sexuality, then took to wanderlust. Years later this behavior came back to haunt me in the form of panic attacks and as I type (and perhaps the reason I do) my anxiety is off the charts.

I currently live in Anchorage, Alaska and ash from Mount Redoubt is drifting down all around me forcing me to give pause to my morality. Normally I'm fearless to the point of folly a behavior that now has me wondering if this is fact a suicidal tendency.

Reports indicate suicide is higher among our community, however I wonder if their is a study regard how often heterosexual community considers their mortally comparatively to ours.

Personally, I rarely give pause to this topic however the aforementioned has force these thoughts upon me.

Thoughts and feedback would be greatly appreciated and I suspect would help alleviate some of my anxiety. I originally posted this as "The Moral Coil" but it bore no fruit and I'm truly in a bad way and would like to hear from our community.

Tearfully Stressed-
Retorwordsmith

[elian]

Are you saying that the thought of what you did so many years ago still bothers you? Is it the thought of how close you came to getting HIV? The thought of having to face those desires vs. the norms of society?

If it is the former then obviously you are still alive and at least physically healthy yes? You might "freak out" when you consider this but it is in the past now yes?

As for the latter - yes there are some challenging times in my life when I feel wounded mentally or spiritually..as a rule society certainly doesn't uphold those who are different..unless they are trying to make it easier for the other members to shove a spear in your ass. There are some triggers that seem to bring on depression for me - such as knowing how much more organized the fundamentalists are at blocking Civil Rights and Freedom to Marry legislation, or being far away from the one I love.

Growing is a part of being human, but it can be incredibly intimidating and painful some times.

What works? Remembering that life is given to us one day at a time, so it's best to take it one day at a time..learn to be patient and not talk yourself into an either/or mental corner. Surrounding yourself with accepting community, someone who is willing to be your friend because of who you are, not what you can do for them. Understanding that we are all human, every one of us - and it's OK to be who we are..learn to love yourself and some day that love might overflow to others in a healthy way too.

That's all I can say for now - the answer to your question for me is yes, too many times for comfort I am unhappy with who I have become, or what I am vs. what society tells me I need to be, or what I have accomplished with the gift of life vs. what I THINK I should have accomplished by now but then I remember the people who love me here, and the responsibilities I have and try to give myself room to breathe and reassurance..sometimes that help also comes from faith.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Honey, take it from someone who has shaken hands with Death many times in her life: Its not something to be thinking about unless you have a valid reason. Death can occure anytime, anywhere, but let us not tempt fate in here, shall we? Life is too precious of a commody to be worying about the things that happened in the past. This past is a learning and enlightening tool..utilize it. Use it everyday of your life and rejoice that you saw the Reaper, and walked away from him unscathed.
In other words: Dont sweat the small stuff, babyboy. Life is too short to be thinking about giving up and checking out.
It takes more intestinal fortitude to hang on and Fight then simply surrender and let the Reaper win. I hope you choose to fight, for you are in a place right now that is celebrating renewal and life; take heart and energy from that, and decide to go on and do something great with your life. :}
Cat, fighter all the way.

[darkeyes]

Came close 2 dyin wen me wos born..ta NHS.. also few years go they did anotha lil job on me wich cudda had it been left unattended seen me off an all..ta gain NHS.. but even allowin for that.. thinka death a lot.. cos ther so much of it 'bout all ova.. not me personal mortality tho...cos afta me last lil run in wiv it, it gave me an increased appreciation for life an livin, even allowin me had always luffed it so much.. a new an betta appreciation wich ya havta experience 2 undastand... life is 2 b lived an taken hold of in both arms.. do that an its gud.. no..its brill....:bigrin:

[texasman6172003]

Well bein one that has stared Death in the face a couple of times now,one fromBllod Poisining,and the ensuing Staph Infection i got as a result,The other from a Gawd Damn piece of Cornbread,:eek:.The point i am getting too,is i know longer worry bout when im gonna die,or what has nearly done me in in the past. I am happy too have made it this far.So the other stuff is too small to me to sweat over. Like they said the other stuff you did is in the past. Just live for now,and what is too come.. Sorry for rambling,just my :2cents:...

[PolyLoveTriad]

I used to think about dying all the time, even dwell on it. I did almost die just a few years ago. I had cancer. Was the hardest battle to overcome but I did and have been cancer free since. But now and then it does occur to me that the cancer could come back. Usually when I have a pain I know Im not supposed to have, or something happens thats not supposed to happen.

I start thinking about death and maybe I should make a video diary to family and friends to say goodbye before I get sick. Then I think, what am I doing? No one really knows what the future holds. Yes the cancer could come back. I could also die silently in the middle of the night from anything. I could be struck by lightning going to my car in a thunderstorm.

How silly am I to worry about death? Im 40 years old If I have another 20 years of life, then great, if its 10 then great, but Im bound and determined to live every moment being happy, enjoying those around me and NOT thinking about death. With my luck, Ill outlive you all and live to be 143 yrs old! Now wouldnt that suck? Although it would be nice to get a peek at the future in 103 yrs! :)

[chook]

How often do I think of dying..........mmmmmm lets see....it would have to be every time my wife drives me somewhere :tong:


Cheers Chook :bigrin:

[totchune]

In reality, there is no death, only a passage from one dimension to another....so you might want to look at the feelings you associate with death, such as pain, loss, guilt, fear and see what those mean to you...

Perhaps you have never dealt with some of your feelings, and they are coming back with an overwhelming intensity...death in this case is only a symbol upon which you attach the fear you have never allowed yourself to feel.

Fear can surge from many places, including the distant past, even infancy. It can go all the way back to your birth.

[darkeyes]

In reality, there is no death, only a passage from one dimension to another....so you might want to look at the feelings you associate with death, such as pain, loss, guilt, fear and see what those mean to you...

Perhaps you have never dealt with some of your feelings, and they are coming back with an overwhelming intensity...death in this case is only a symbol upon which you attach the fear you have never allowed yourself to feel.

Fear can surge from many places, including the distant past, even infancy. It can go all the way back to your birth.

The las bits fine..the rest?? Twaddle an Tosh... :rolleyes:

[MaybeSayMaybe]

In Alaska at the end of winter you might be suffering from cabin fever.

A few years ago I went searching for a quality articulated desk lamp, and eventually found a European model. Good money for a good lamp. But I also found by accident that there is a small cottage industry in lamps that match the solar spectrum as closely as possible. The main market is for older people who are depressed. Lack of sunlight may be the major cause, and the solar lamps seem to help.

So, check out the auroras by night and stare into your solar lamp by day, and start humping the American dream again...

[evilpanda]

i can relate to your feelings about death.

the darkest period in my life occurred when i survived the beijing massacre in 1989. i was separated from my immediate family for months and evacuated to safety, but was a harsh and violent experience. i know very well that my life could very well have ended 20 years ago, so that makes 20 years of borrowed time.

today, i was realizing that my new producer is a total dick and doesn't deserve my services. he seems to like intimidation tactics, from what i can tell thus far, and i am about as intimidated by hollywood trust fund babies as i am by nerf balls. if he tries to scare me, i will quit, but not before explaining exactly WHY his type frightens me NOT AT ALL.

ultimately, the only thing i still fear is death itself, or rather, an untimely death. but, as i grow older, i see that having only one very pronounced fear of death is a better way to live than being so oblivious to death that you waste your life on petty fears like wrinkles and who wins American Idol.

[PolyLoveTriad]

In reality, there is no death, only a passage from one dimension to another....so you might want to look at the feelings you associate with death, such as pain, loss, guilt, fear and see what those mean to you...

Perhaps you have never dealt with some of your feelings, and they are coming back with an overwhelming intensity...death in this case is only a symbol upon which you attach the fear you have never allowed yourself to feel.

Fear can surge from many places, including the distant past, even infancy. It can go all the way back to your birth.

Your belief says there is no death, that is not reality, maybe for you it is but not for everyone!

[PolyLoveTriad]

In Alaska at the end of winter you might be suffering from cabin fever.

A few years ago I went searching for a quality articulated desk lamp, and eventually found a European model. Good money for a good lamp. But I also found by accident that there is a small cottage industry in lamps that match the solar spectrum as closely as possible. The main market is for older people who are depressed. Lack of sunlight may be the major cause, and the solar lamps seem to help.

So, check out the auroras by night and stare into your solar lamp by day, and start humping the American dream again...

Ya know I read something about that. Cept it was children they were using it for, about an hour or so a day the kids would be in a room playing with special goggles and bathing suits in like uv ray lamps or something to give them not only the light but vitamins they needed for their bones to grow strong. They were somewhere they only have like one hour a day of light or something, northern russia maybe? Anyway... lol good thinking :)

[totchune]

Your belief says there is no death, that is not reality, maybe for you it is but not for everyone!

I know there is no death from my own personal experience...not a belief (I am not religious, I actually hate religions, they are all BS).
But that's beside the point, it was just a remark...

[elian]

Actually, I drove on the DC Beltway yesterday, that experience is as close to facing death as I care to experience for now. :) It's really interesting just how far 5 seconds can stretch your perception of what it means to be alive.

[darkeyes]

Actually, I drove on the DC Beltway yesterday, that experience is as close to facing death as I care to experience for now. :) It's really interesting just how far 5 seconds can stretch your perception of what it means to be alive.

Try drivin in France wer traffic on roundabouts don hav the rite of way but traffic cummin outa junctions dus.. scary.. or Paris.. God thats scary... nev been a nervous driver but in Paris?? Nev gain.. an the traffic in Rome?? Hasta b seen 2 b believed... wudn dream a even tryin...:eek:

[darkeyes]

Actually did die on Friday.. laffin, as me 10 yo daughter ran outa the door an didn look wer she wos goin.. an stood in 'er lil sista's ratha smellie an full potty... an skited on 'er tender lil bootie..:bigrin:

[csrakate]

I find that I don't necessarily fear death as much as I fear being away from those I love. I know death is inevitable for us all and fearing it will keep us from living. Truthfully, after losing my brother back in November, I DID have thoughts of my own mortality, but it simply made me more convinced that I need to live my life to the fullest and as healthy as possible. BUT...since I am now 50, I no longer look at chest pains as simple indigestion LOL!

As far as dwelling on death, that's not a way to live....and as for regretting the past, the best we can do is learn from it and live for today and move forward.

Hugs,
Kate

[boca.openminded]

I do not understand why anyone thinks of dying...

I have arthritis from neck to knee (not exaggerating 1 bit), I live with severe pain every second of everyday, I take vicodin every day, I get injections a few times a yr, I had to cancel my gym membership & quit a few sport teams that I was on due to the pain but I still do not think about dying. Why should I? Whats the point?

"if you think you are going to get hit by a car then you will get hit by a car"

so if you think about dying then you will die.

You should live your life backwards. Start by writing out your eulogy and then live it out.

I don't care what is wrong with you ... booo fuckin hoooo

It is YOUR life - live it without any regrets !!!!!!

[elian]

Try drivin in France wer traffic on roundabouts don hav the rite of way but traffic cummin outa junctions dus.. scary.. or Paris.. God thats scary... nev been a nervous driver but in Paris?? Nev gain.. an the traffic in Rome?? Hasta b seen 2 b believed... wudn dream a even tryin...:eek:

Did I hear you right Fran? Did you just say that the people inside the circle have to yield to the people who are entering? I have to concede that does sound pretty scary.

[darkeyes]

They hav sum reely odd rules a the road Elian.. jus b careful wenyas zoomin long a nice str8 wide rural road an thers nowt 2 b seen.. suddenly bloody gr8 tractor appears out in front a ya from a lil narrow country lane ya can hardly c till last min..... ya will find 'e has rite a way an all...:eek:

.. but wotya expect from peeps who drive on the rong side a the road... bout time they realised that the right side a the road is the left...:tong: Oo soz..u lot drive on the right dontcha..?? Well 'bout time u lot realised its rong sida the road an all!!! Tee hee:bigrin:

[Intimate_Light]

Dying - the "Exercise"...

I've done this a couple of times, such as "OK, let's say I'm going to be dead in the next half hour or hour, how would I feel about the life I've lived?"

This isn't about whether one has a religious, or spiritual or any other belief system to grade oneself by, but to go deep within and beyond any of these.

I've also been a breath or so away from the real deal (and not the "correct" or normal way--it was a suicide attempt). I've done exercise a few many years later and the most memorable one I had was where I came to the feeling/sense, maybe even "K/knowing" that:

--- None of my mistakes, screw-ups, self-doubts/contempt, what jobs or "accomplishments," how much "better" or "worse" I was than anyone else mattered. Nor did those of anyone else.

--- All that seemed to matter was any and all moments in which I was feeling some form of love/kindness/compassion/etc. Be it just as a thought or as out-in-the-world actions, the most mundane to the more ecstatic.

In fact, all of my personal to millennia of collective horrors became irrelevant as if they never happened, whether one believes in one live or many (reincarnation). A sense of translucent Grace or something.

Which all supports one ancient mystical perspective of this dimension of reality being a form of illusion.
Or as Einstein put it...

"Reality is an illusion, albeit a persistent one."

Or Shakespeare in...

"All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players."

Or even the Biblical...

"To be in the world, yet not of it."

This doesn't mean I'm totally convinced with what this implies: there is no death and that nothing happening here is really real. But on some level, I am, for otherwise nothing ultimately makes any compassionate sense to me, and yet I also have to live in the here-and-now.

Whatever this life is, or isn't.

[retrowordsmith]

Thank you all for replies, they helped me get thought a difficult time.:bipride:

[jem_is_bi]

I am glad your troubles have passed. We all have our difficult times. But, life is such a wonderful gift to waste on premature thoughts of it's loss.
I am now 61 and maybe should think more about death, but, I just never seem to find enough time to do so.

[sqa7742]

I grew up in an abusive household and suffered from clinical depression from my teenage years on. Not surprisingly, I thought a lot about suicide, and that persisted into my 20's. I once heard someone say about people with suicidal thoughts, "It's not that they want their lives to end, they want the pain to end."

It gave me a lot of perspective.

[retrowordsmith]

Insightful comment, hopefully your life has stabilized since this point.

[retrowordsmith]

I am glad your troubles have passed. We all have our difficult times. But, life is such a wonderful gift to waste on premature thoughts of it's loss.
I am now 61 and maybe should think more about death, but, I just never seem to find enough time to do so.

Nice way to look at things:)

[BrotherJack]

How often do I think about dying. Most days. Not my personal passing. When one reads or reads of people dying, of whatever age, the subject has to pass through one's thoughts.

My daughter's fiance, saw his older brother, then only 19, fall 250 feet to his death. He was in danger himself, but knowing in his heart of hearts, that his brother must have been killed, he had to find his cell 'phone and call for help. His grief required counselling. He will think about that death for the rest of his life.

I'm a Spiritualist and we believe in death of the mortal shell, but not the soul/spirit. We believe that energy moves on. Individual Spiritualists see this moving on, in different ways. Maybe it is to what we call the Spirit world, or maybe the energy just rejoins the Cosmos. There is no use worrying about it.

In Spiritualism, we say that dealing with the here and now and living as decent a life as possible, treating our fellow human beings properly, is the way we should look at things.

The future is beyond our grasp and we can only look forward to it. The past has happened and cannot be changed. The present is what we should concentrate on.

And we should love all.

Heck, I'm sounding like a Minister again....better not let Ron, the Minister at my church hear me!

[Long Duck Dong]

I have dystimia ( incurable / untreatable depression ) so suicidual thoughts are never far from my mind....

there are days that I get tired and just wanna lay down and let go, other days I sit down and think about taking care of everything so that when i go, its not messy for other people

as a wiccan person, i tend to believe that the truth of passing, will be known to me as I pass.... and everything I believe, may be right or may be wrong, but I will never know for sure until I pass...... reincarnation, meeting god etc etc... its all possible.... cos there is no proof to support any theory..... just opinions

am I scared of dying.... yes... I am not sure what to expect...or what may happen.... but I understand at the end of the day, everybody has to do it at some stage or another... so i do not live with the idea of live as if each day is my last or live life to the fullest..... but live each day as it happens..for the good and the bad.... and remember those that have passed on with the same fondest and love that I hope others will remember me by