"DISCREET" - The Issue of Intimate Honesty

[Intimate_Light]

http://www.compassionsensuality.net/Images/NetPix/NEW_PATH_REVISED.jpg

dis⋅creet/dɪˈskrit/[di-skreet] – adjective

1. judicious in one's conduct or speech, esp. with regard to respecting privacy or maintaining silence about something of a delicate nature; prudent; circumspect.
_____________

PURPOSE OF THIS THREAD

I know there are people dealing with this dilemma at this forum for it has been expressed. This thread is to open the dialog to perhaps help our fellow human beings navigate this issue with both compassion and integrity.

But first to get a more trivial grammatical thing out of the way: many people mistakenly use "discrete" for "discreet." Discrete is not the same thing.

This is not about being discreet in terms of keeping one's life style from those who may judge and misunderstand us (family, friends, co-workers, associates). That's privacy, and everyone is entitled to it.
____________

Here is a typical example:

I recently saw a gay movie online at Netflix with the formulaic plot of frustrated gay guy meets married straight guy who gets his latent bi feelings aroused, they fool around. Everyone gets hurt, and especially the wife who of course eventually finds out.

Divorce ensues almost immediately.
Quasi tragic ending, fade out.

There are many sides to this, incl. how open a non-bi person is to working out stuff with the husband's adventure. But as subject line hints, this is about honesty and taking responsibility for our actions.

It is also much easier for me as a single, currently not in any relationship situation to apply this. But I've made my mistakes (fooled around with a couple of married women a long time ago).

And for a person who discovers their bi-leanings within a long term hetero partnership or marriage, it's got to be much tougher and layered.

But here is my choice (and its consequences):

----- I will not engage in any potential intimate contact with anyone of either gender if they wish to hide it from their partner or spouse. It adds a muddy vibe/karma to anything enjoyed.

Because...

----- One can compartmentalize or lie to oneself and the other person with whom one engages, but eventually it will come and bite us and others in the ass, or more accurately, heart. Someone will get hurt.

So...

----- If my emerging bi-leanings continue, I've realized that the next woman I become intimate with will have to be either bi herself or at least very, very accepting of it (not just "tolerant").

That's shrinks the possibilities a lot (I'm already an oddball it is without the whole bi thing). But I prefer staying alone than not being in personal integrity: I have to live with myself, whether in intimate connections or not.
__________________

Question:

What would you suggest to those already in committed relationships, particularly marriages (with or without children) in a way that is both kind and free of self-righteousness?

IF you are a person
dealing with this kind of dilemma:

Please feel free to share your thoughts and problems. Again, this is not to be a whipping post thread, but an invitation to help one another, perhaps even find some healing solutions...

A new, wider and happier path within and without.

[Lonewolf76]

Fascinating topic! Great question. I can only offer my own personal take. I have been divorced twice. Neither were due to my sexuality. My first marriage ended because my wife (who's totally hetero) had an affair with my best friend. My second marriage ended because my wife simply stopped communicating with me and letting me in.

These two negative experiences altered me and my perceptions of relationships. From these experiences I now have identical views that you have voiced.

1. I will not be a party in any way to someone cheating on their spouse/partner - I've been the vicitm of that kind of pain and had my heart ripped out by two people that I loved. I would in turn NEVER do that to someone else.

2. Communication is HUGE with me. It makes or breaks a relationship. I would only be involved with someone who is either unattached, or totally communicating openly with their partner and their partner is 100% supportive of the situation - better yet - the partner is a willing participant!

I see way too many bisexuals who want a quick afternoon lay while the partner is at work and knows nothing about it and would NOT approve. Bad kharma begats bad kharma. Just my :2cents: LW

[Intimate_Light]

Thanks for response.

From reading your post and looking back at my own life, I think our common views are a result of what happens to most of us: live and learn and simply getting older.

My two dalliances were not done in spite or malice, just stupidity. Though the last time I did it was because I knew the woman was in what seemed like an abusive marriage where she craved affection, love.

In short, I played "knight in shining armor with kindly penis."
Good intention, naively ignorant tactic.

And I also had to face the husband once she told him.
Best thing that ever happened to me in retrospect.

A few years later, I learned that in-hiatus (or separated) relationships can be too dicey to deal with also. Being a third wheel even when it's not a cheating-on thing is still being a third wheel.

So indeed, clear communication both ways is critical IMO: get the lay of the land of the heart before pulling off yer freakin' pants or skirt :)

[Lonewolf76]

Amen!!!!

[bisexualman]

We are relatively new to this whole situation though we have been open to each other since the day we first met. (open in the sense that we knew everything about each other and would always talk about anything that needed discussing) I have always been bisexual; just took 35 years to come to terms with it. She, I believe has always been poly. We entered our marriage as a hetreosexual couple with the idea that we were monogomous to each other. That all changed 1 1/2 years ago. I couldn't hold back my desire and need for men. She had held back her poly side because I was so adamant that we were monogamous. Fast forward. She and I are both exploring solo and together. Its fantastic. We have wrestled along the way with a lot of the issues you bring up.
Now to the meat of your thread: our number one rule is that we will not have sex with anyone who is not open and honest with their spouse or partner. We also over the last 18 months have really held to honesty with each other. I can't see how any of this could work if we are not honest with ourselves, each other, and our prospective sexual partners. We try to keep the rules clear and simple. We double check everytime we do something. To me that is discreet in your sense and discrete in the details. Our marriage has always been a work in progress and I see it is even more so now. Because of the honesty there is trust. Doesn't mean we always like what we hear but we listen anyway because we know that the minute communication stops we are in trouble. Well I may have more thoughts later but that's it for now.

[jem_is_bi]

I do not have any of the issues that concern you. I almost did once, but it faded away before it actually happened. So, I will happily continue with my relatively uncomplicated relationship that seems to be getting better as time passes. That does not mean that significant issues do not arise and have to be dealt with. But, I guess I need some kind of challenge in all that I am involved with to be happy.
However, if a person of interest was married, I would not let that be a major factor on excluding them as a friend or more than friend. Rather, it would depend on the dynamics of their marriage and how they handled both situations and the goals of both of us for our interactions.
.

[PearlGirl]

Bi doesn't mean without integrity. I applaud all of you who are honest.

[Storm2008]

I have never cheated or (knowingly) allowed someone else to cheat with me. I don't care if you're bi or not, cheating is stupid and cruel. If you'd do that to anyone, I don't want to be with you in the first place. That said, it's not cheating if you have permission.

As for permission, after some disastrous experimentation with polyamory, I've reached the conclusion that I'm deeply monogamous. I don't want to share or be shared, and I'm upfront about it. I have the deepest admiration for those who are mature and generous enough to make it work, though.

[darkeyes]

aaaaahhh.. cheatin.. as the ole sayin goes... 2 alla the paragons a virtue all me says is..."There but for the grace of God go I...":)