Approaching wife about my bi desires

[jackcd]

I've been married to my lovely with for the last thirteen years. During that time I have a few experiences every year, usually in a video both at an adult book store. My wife knows of my fondness for women's underwear. How do I approach her about my bi desires? I don't want to hurt her and am willing to give up my flings. Do I tell that I would like to try a strap-on? Do I bring home a few adult movies, including a bi-sexual movie. Thank you for your comments.

[littlerayofsunshine]

jackcd,

I really hope you don't catch too much flack here, cause it seems as though you really want to turn things around and be open with your spouse and I can respect that. So some suggestions I may offer could be to maybe talk with her about fantasies and see if you can interest her into watching a gently bisexual porn and see how she takes it.

[lv69cpl69]

first your "few experiences every year" is cheating and in my opnion WRONG.
if she watches pron with you you could like you said get a bi one and see her reaction then start a conversation. Or just start talking about someone you know thats bi and get her thoughts. just my thoughts but cheating is (I think) never the way to go. :male:
but I am also new to the life so may not be the best to reply:2cents:

[Randy from Pa]

I'd say KILL THE FLINGS.........get some movies........then get the strapon/dildo. Just my :2cents:

[prefer_6]

Be honest with her as quickly as possible, the longer you hide this from her, the more difficult it will be and the hurt you may cause could have disastrous and life long consequences. You know her better than anyone, use, the porn, the strap-on or just general conversation on the topic as you feel best. It sounds like you love your wife, so cheating should not be an option to even consider.

[robbie09]

How does your wife know of your fondness for women's underwear? How does she feel about it?

If you can talk to her about this difficult subject then you should talk to her about your bi desires.

[biguy3113]

I just came out to my wife about 2 months ago. I wasn't sure how she was going to take it and was scared that she would freak. I told her point blank, she knew that I like certian things in bed but never put the two together. When I told her she looked at me and said serious? I said yes, she said okay and we began to have a in depth discussion about my feelings and desires. If your marriage is really strong and you would both do anything for each other then everything should be okay. Do not continue do anything on the DL. You need to be up front and honest.

[TheBisexualProfessor]

I certainly agree with those who wisely counsel honesty! I struggled for years, first to understand myself, then to find a way to share it with Diana. I intentionally put a few gay mags that I enjoy into my stash of porn ... which she knew about. She discovered them as I hoped she would and it opened up an honest conversation. It was tough at first because she didn't know what to think about it. But at some point she began explaining her own sexuality and how she loved cock. That was when I simply asked, honestly and directly, why it couldn't be something we shared and why, if we both found it fun, it couldn't bring us closer?

Since that time it HAS brought us closer, I think. There are still bumps in the road because Diana worries that I'll give up on her and find a guy to live with. But I don't want that. My sexuality is marvelously and tightly tied up with hers after 20 years of marriage. When I fantasize about the enjoyment of sexual expression with another guy, it's with her participating or playing, or at least watching. At this point we talk about everything and we enjoy the fantasies together (we even know a couple of hot co-workers that we fantasize about and she shares with me when she gets hot over one of her guy co-workers at the office!). We've been to an all-nude male review, a gay bar, and may even go to Southern Decadence in New Orleans in September. We even got worked up together at a porn theatre watching the guys jerk off to the movie! Diana even occasionally shares a lesbian fantasy with me now!

Hiding won't build your marriage. Honesty will. If you want to be married, then it's the real you that has to be married. It's risky to be honest, of course. But what do you have if you DON'T have honesty?

[mooon]

I agree with the other posts so far.

I came out to my wife about my bi desires a couple of years ago.
It helped a lot that I got her involved in some of my fantasies and some role play.
It also helped a lot that I did not cheat on her, but rather got her approval first. Definitely knock it off now.
It may be best to open up about this slowly. You have had years to come to terms with you bi needs, she will need some time to get her mind around this new part of you that you are revealing. Some bi porn and talking about your fantasies might be a good start.

But, as Biguy313 said "If your marriage is really strong and you would both do anything for each other then everything should be okay."
I belong to an internet support group that is a great resouce for husbands coming out to thier wives. Contact me direct, and I'll hook you up.
In several years on there, the constants seem to be love, trust, and honesty.

Build on the love and honesty; you will have some work to do on the trust part.

[NEPHX]

I agree with much of the advise as already posted. However, there are a few observations I'll make:

Mooon said ""If your marriage is really strong and you would both do anything for each other then everything should be okay."

One should consider what makes a relationship/marriage strong. If someone has hidden their sexuality but not acted unfaithfully within their marriage, that statement could certainly ring true. But, given that you have played outside your marriage, if you don't come clean in a planned mode, your spouse will figure it out. I wouldn't define a marriage where one person is cheating as a strong marriage.

One thing that many may identify with is that once a spouse comes out, the sexuality can become a focal point for all the problems of a marriage (a scape goat).

One other thing that often comes to play when "coming out" to spouse, children, family, etc. is how you do it. If you make it a big dramatic thing, the other party is going to think "oh MFG, it is a big dramatic thing." (ie he's gonna leave me for the pool boy). The more comfortable you are and the less dramatic you seem to make it, the more comfort you'll provide to the other party be it your spouse, parents, children, family, etc. Sometimes the best way to do these things is during sex talk (during sex) just a bit at a time. Or over margaritas at the beach together watching hot guys and little comments. Most spouses already know each other enough to KNOW.

There are also great books on the topic and to understand how the other spouse might feel like: "The Other Side of the Closet: The Coming-Out Crisis for Straight Spouses and Families, Revised and Expanded Edition"
by Amity Pierce Buxton

When you come out to her, you pull her into your closet. There are Straight Spouse support groups too (Straight Spouse Network) but some can become very negative and turn into breakup groups.

It would be wise to seek counseling or a support group prior to coming out to a spouse.

[bityme]

I've been married to my lovely with for the last thirteen years. During that time I have a few experiences every year, usually in a video both at an adult book store. My wife knows of my fondness for women's underwear. How do I approach her about my bi desires? I don't want to hurt her and am willing to give up my flings. Do I tell that I would like to try a strap-on? Do I bring home a few adult movies, including a bi-sexual movie. Thank you for your comments.

It's difficult to advise you about how to reveal your desires to your wife. Your post doesn't really give enough information to even speculate. I, also, will not get into the cheating discussion (there are enough members here that are adamant about the subject).

You indicate that your wife knows about your fondness for women's underware and your screen name seems to indicate that you like to dress up. Does your wife just know about your lingerie fetish, or is it incorporated into your marital sex life? The answer to that question may give you a starting point.

If she actively participates with you, things would be much easier. If she is only turning a blind eye and avoiding involvement, then you have a much more complicated task.

I agree with the other posts that it makes life so much easier when your spouse knows and is accepting, but that is often in an ideal world. Fortunately, I had such an ideal world. My first wife and I began swinging is the early 70s and together explored the bi world. Our communication was great and we were supportive of each other's desire for additional bi experiences. We had a great 18 years before she passed.

My second marriage was just as good, if not better. We both disclosed our prior bi experiences within a few weeks after we met and the next 20 years were wonderful. Unfortunately, she passed away a year and a half ago.

The key in both relationships was our communication. You might try just talking more about the sex life you have with her now. Get comfortable with discussing sex in general and the two of you in particular. The more you know about what she likes, the better you will be able to please her. Make sure that she in totally confident of your relationship with her before you start discussing activities with others.

Get her the vibrator. Use it to stimulate her. Then you can tell her that you are happy with and intrigued by the pleasure she receives and wonder what it would feel like for you. If she is receptive, things will progress naturally.

Remember, there is a lot more to your relationship than just sex. Disclosing your bisexual desires too soon, or at all, could have severe economic repercussions if she wants nothing to do with you after she finds out. Work on making your relationship rock solid first. Later it will be easier to discuss fantasies and desires. Depending on how she reacts, it may or may not be difficult to reveal your past bisexual experiences. That can be a very volatile subject. The more removed the experiences, the better. You also have to be prepared to never reveal your bi side if that means sacrificing the marriage and all its economic aspects.

Take thing slow. Try to find out her feelings about a subject before you blurt something out. If you find that she is disgusted by male-to-male interaction, it would probably not be a good idea to tell her you like to suck cock.

By the same token, if she likes what you do to her with a vibrator, she'll probably accept you wondering what it might feel like. Gaining her acceptance one small step at a time is a much safer approach than just giving her a strap-on and asking her to screw you.

Making regular trips to a sex shop together is a good way to break the ice. If you reach the point that buying the strap-on is her idea, you are well on your way. If she enjoys using it on you, she will probably enjoy your sucking it. Then discussing fantasies about another guy will be easier. She may even develop a fantasy about you and another man.

Overall, I would recommend caution and discretion rather than just coming home one night and saying "Hi Honey, I'd like to get it on with another man."

Good Luck.

[Polyamerious Phoenix]

I as a wife , have to side with what most have said here. Take time and bring it out to her a little at a time if you don't think she can take it all at once. You said she is already "okay" with the woman's underwear. She not that far off from understand this..

As a side note to ALL men and Women.. If you are married or in a Lorn term Relationship and deiced that you would like the try or get involved in the outer sex....Bring your partner along with you. Other wise you will not have that relationship much longer. If not fair in any way shape or form for you to go gallivanting off with another person and leave them at home alone. If given the chance I think most people are open to sharing IF its done in a fair manor. Just my :2cents:

[robbie09]

Take the advice of The Bisexual Professor, mooon, NEPHX and Bityme. I am in the process of coming out to my wife of 15 years and the advice they offer above is so helpfull. In my case it is a slow, difficult, step by step process.

The Bisexual Professor says be honest. It is risky being honest, but in the end your wife will appreciate your honesty, even if she doesn't like what you are telling her.

It has taken me over a year (well 15 years really) , including regular counselling , to become comfortable with my own bisexuality. Now that I am comfortable with it myself I have been able to talk to my wife about it. The fact that I appear comfortable with it and do not appear confused or afraid I think is reassuring.

As NEPHX suggests I would avoid the big "coming out" and making it a big dramatic thing but rather raise it in a relevant conversation if you can find one. I was talking to my wife about pornography (which she doesn't like) and I told her I enjoy watching gay porn which led to the discussion about my homosexual tendencies.

I think the next step for me (Thanks bityme for this advice) is to work on making my relationship rock solid and our sex life fantastic before proceeding any further.

As the Bisexual Professor suggests I think I will try to bring my wife with me on this journey of self discovery rather than going it alone. It could be fun and make us closer. When the opportunity arises I will share a fantasy with her that includes her and another man where we both get extra pleasure.

Good luck on your journey!