BAD SEX.......what to do????

[missK]

I didnt know where else to go with my problem, its kinda too personal to tell someone face to face, and since most people that post here seem to have a great sex life reading the posts just gets me more depressed about whats going on.But i have to let it out no more how personal because i need advice and perspective, maybe im the cause and i dont know it so ill tell all as honestly as i can.
To put it bluntly, I dont get turned on by my boyfriend anymore. Like at all......and if i do its for a couple of seconds and then i start thinking negatively and cant be bothered with the whole thing so i reject him.
Ive been blaming it on stress and on arguments weve had but I dunno how its gotten so bad that I dont like him kissing me anymore.
When we first met we were both pretty inexperienced and trying out things was fun and exciting, it didnt matter how uncoordinated it was, or the fact the I never came. I didnt really mind, i thought i would give it time but its gotten worse!!
I was thinking about it today and oddly enough its not that hes actually bad in bed its how he makes me feel sometimes. He has a very high sex drive and during the period of time we had tons of stress coz of money problems he could ignore things and have sex but i couldnt. He would sometimes try and I would get pissed off because I was worried sick about other things and didnt have the energy. So he started getting pushier and pushier. He never felt bad when i rejected him, he seemed to think that if he went down on me long enough I would get turned on and get convinced eventually. Problem was since he was so inexperienced he didnt know what he was doind which would been ok if he hadnt been trying to convince me.
And when it didnt work he started asking if I could , how do i out it nicely, wank him or help him to wank. I said I didnt mind him doing it in fron of me because he obviously had the need to empty himself but I hated it when he would want me to kiss him on command or do other things to turn him on.
It makes me feel like an object, it makes sex boring, a duty to do while your watching tv. How can he be satisfied with me kissing him because he asked me to? I never get turned on if i have to ask him to do something for me.
Is it a guy thing?
And then other times he gets all lovy duvvy with me and really puts an effore into caressing me and that which if i were in the mood would be great but all I can think is there he goes again and i never really get very turned on. He has this way of grabbing and squeezing like an overexcited teenager that puts me off.
I miss the days when i felt kinky and sexy and i really wanted to get on top of him and have sex. I hate feeling pressured, i hate the whole romanticism being taken out of it because a kiss is a lending hand to someone thats having a wank.
I dont know what to do because he really loves me and i really love him and i should be flattered that he gets so turned on by me and that he tries so hard sometimes.
I just hate his attitude towards the whole thing sometimes, I know he probably started asking for kisses and that because I kinda stopped wanting to so anything at one point (stress gets me down and makes me feel weak and ill), but how do i turn things around?
How to tell him hes making me feel like an object and I dont feel an emotional connection during kissing or sex? Hes not old or experienced enough to take it but if i dont say anything how avoid things getting worse? more rejection and hurting of his feelings and more resentment and moodiness on my part?

Did all the couples here have a great sex life from the get go? or did u have to work on it?
Maybe we both shouldbe left with a couple of people before getting into such a comitted relationship.
It makes me feel so guilty because if started comparing him with this guy i made out with and didnt even know but he was such a sensual kisser, the couple of hours we had together were so intense and satisfying, i never had to say anything he just knew how and wha to do and i felt so kinky and turned, probably in part because i didnt know him so it was something "bad"
that i was doing. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[smokey]

Its over dear...face the fact and move on before staying hurts both of you any further...it is an art knowing when to stay and when to go, and it is definately time for you to move on.

[missK]

I would go if he werent my best friend in the whole world and I didnt feel so much for him. Its like were the same person sometimes, he knows all my faults and i know his. It makes me feel so sad........

[red_riding_hood_27]

I wrote you a private msg too. My husband is my best friend. When we married we merged our personality without any problems. We have never fought (little stuff) but no yelling or anything like that. We both are not lovey dovey type of people. When we wanted attention we let each other know other than that we respected each other' space. Made it easier for me and him. We like to do things together and respected when the other want time for themselves. We got along great til this past year. Sex is a major part of marriage and a relationship. Things went bad for us before I confronted him on the porn and stuff. Sex was not that great last year and he had to make an effort to have it with me. We are at a crossroads in our life and marriage. You have to talk with him. Let him know that things are not going smoothly. Talk to him or better yet instruct him on how you want it...I did and things slowly got better with us.. I bought a sex book and told him to read it! Or I read it with him. He might be like my husband (very shy) so I had to ask for it. But don't tell him he doing it wrong tell him it would feel much better if he did>>>>

Good luck let me know how things are going....Talk with you soon

[ambi53mm]

Maybe we both shouldbe left with a couple of people before getting into such a comitted relationship.
It makes me feel so guilty because if started comparing him with this guy i made out with and didnt even know but he was such a sensual kisser, the couple of hours we had together were so intense and satisfying, i never had to say anything he just knew how and wha to do and i felt so kinky and turned, probably in part because i didnt know him so it was something "bad"
that i was doing. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi MissK,
In reading an earlier post dated 31 Jan 06, it would seem that your relationship has further deteriorated. Two things you compare in your post is how bad the sex has gotten with your mate..and how excited and turned on you became with another person...I'm wondering how all this relates to his comming out to you that he was bi which could have a change on your relationship..or how much is just related to just growing apart..which happens in many relationships...The divorce rate in our country is high, probably due to this more than anything else...the question I use to pose to people in similar situations as it relates to your post overall was:
Can you see yourself in this relationship as it stands for the next 25 years?
If your answer is Yes...then I'd recommend couciling..for both of you.
If your answer is No...Then it's time to move on..bcause it's not a question of "if"...it's a question of "when" :2cents:

Safe Journey
Ambi :)

[missK]

Youre right i forgot to mention he came out to me a couple of months ago.
It hurt me so much and turned me off, it was a partof me starting to reject him.
I started protecting myself and getting paranoid about everything. I asked question after question could he love a guy? wouldnt he miss a woman if he were just with a guy? has he fancied guys whilst being with me? he answered but hes a kid, he realized hed hurt me and tried to take it back, saying it was just a phase, he had been confused but since hed never slept with man or woman how could he know.
When i think about him wanting to have rough sex and him not being very romantic about things sometimes i associate it with gay sex. Of course this is just prejudice since ive nver seen gay porn or anything of the sort. But in my mind , thinking that he could love a guy romantically hurts me more than just sex, so i categorized the sex that he would have with a guy as kinky, dirty, anything but loving. Thats how i could live with it. Unfortunately when he wants to have rough kinky sex with me i associate it with his bisexuality. Like he wouldnt have those needs if he werent bi.
If he would have asked me to buy a strap on or sex toy fo some kind before i wouldve been more open about it if i didnt associate those things with the fear of him falling in love with a guy or marrying me and cheating on me with guys because thats what would fulfill him.
Hes done nothing to make me so fearful, hasnt proposed threesomes or anything, its all in my head and with my 22 years ive not had enought experience in life to maturely digest the fact that maybe he can love me with all his heart and being bi doesnt mean im not fulfilling.

to answer your question, no, if i dont talk to him and i stop all these associations in my head and he doesnt realize that unintentionally hes been making me feel like a sex object, then no. i am aware that sooner or later the relationship is going to come to a painful end
. If im worth it to him hell understand what imm feeling

[missK]

ill let u know if those ifs have become a when.

[ambi53mm]

ill let u know if those ifs have become a when.

I wish you the best of luck MissK :) I'm not a religous man but I do see the world in a spiritual context. Sometimes when I find myself in a similar state of being..I'm reminded of the Serenity Prayer.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

....It's gotten me through some tough times in the past..and the journey continues.

Ambi

[PeterH]

Hi Miss K,

read your post and thought I could clear some things up for you perhaps.
I'm sorry to hear what happened.
You feel like he's treating you like an object,because he pressures you to have sex with him when you're not in the mood. You are afraid that he'll not love you anymore, because he's bi, maybe even leave you for a man.
Then you find someone who seems to be treating you with love and respond very quickly to his attentions.
First of all, I'd like to say that your responses and fears are perfectly normal. Women need to feel relaxed before they are in a mood to have sex. BTW, as you have noticed, with men that's different. For men, sex can be a form of relaxation in times of stress. This doesn't mean that he has a right to pressure you to do whatever he fancies. Sex is not an obligation, it's a gift.
What your partner needs to do is stop pressuring you into having sex with him, or kiss him when you don't want to. An apology would also be in place, I'd say.
Also, what you obviously need to hear from him is that he still loves you and that he won't leave you. I think it would be helpful in that process if you explained to him the relation between what he is doing and how that makes you feel (if you do this, then I start to feel that). I think it is only after all this has taken place, that you might start to feel comfortable enough to feel intimate with him. You might also feel that living with a bisexual man is too much for you, especially if he wants to live an active bisexual life. That's up to you to decide. You're still young and you have time still to decide who you want to share your life with.
And for the conclusion that everybody here has a great sex life. Not true. People who have one, might talk about it here. People who are not happy will rarely be as open as you are being here. I would definitely not call my sex life great, but, having visited this site, feel it might improve with time.
I hope that your love life will soon improve, and your sex life with it.
Hope this helps,

Peter

[jo69guy]

Yah sounds to me like it's time for you to move on as well. If you are not happy, why be miserable? Go find someone who makes you happy. :2cents:

[searchingbrian]

My advice is to talk to your boyfriend now about all of your concerns; waiting only makes things worse, builds resentment, etc. You need to come clean and either you two will decide to work it out (or at least try) or move on. Everything else is just limbo....