Should I tell my wife???

[phillywill]

I am deeply in love with my wife of 33 years. I am attracted to men and have desired to have sex with another man for many, many years.
I have not satisfied this yearning, because I guess that would be cheating, but my desire increases with each passing year.
I would love to discuss this with her, but I'm afraid that she would react very negatively. Ideally, she would accept this and be okay with me pursuing my dream. Maybe she would want to satisfy her curiosity also. I envy couples on this site who love each other and can openly enjoy other couples. You don't know how lucky you are!
I am so glad I found this site. I thought I was wierd and the only one - LOL.
Should I risk alienating my wife and tell her about my bisexuality?
Will

[Iowabiguy]

You know, this is a really tough one. I am all for coming out to your partner BEFORE you get too deeply into the relationship. However, that ship has sailed a Long time ago it seems.
I would ask you a few questions before I would give you my two cents worth.
First, how long have you known you were bisexual? Recently? Quite awhile? Since before you were married?
Perhaps you might consider that she already suspects that you are bisexual. If you have been trying extra hard to prove otherwise, the thought has probably crossed her mind.
How strong is your relationship? Is sex something you converse easily about with your wife?
Is there a particular man that you have your eye on? Are you wanting to have an affair or do you fancy having sex with some previously unknown guy?
I hope you are able to work this out in your head and that you come up with a good solution that works for you. Good Luck and Take Care.

[FireRaven]

I don't know you or your wife so the only thing I can tell you is this, as a wife ~ you have a much better chance that she'll at least try to be OK with your curiosity if you tell her BEFORE anything happens with another man.

Also, it would be great for you to have all your safe sex info memorized before you tell her. She may not say anything at first, shock and all ~ but trust me, if she knows you'll be safe when you have sex with other men it will go a long way. She'll know that you are serious and that you care about her health as well as your own.
:2cents:

Raven

[innaminka]

Married 33 years...
I think you know the answer to her reaction. Surely after partnering someone for that time you know how she'll react.
Secondly, how sure are you about your desire? There is a hell of a diffrerence between dreaming/fanticising/wishing and actually getting out and doing it. ("Bi-curious is a very dangerous word - I've experienced the ramifications.)
Get your own mind sorted - decide on a course of action before you take a step that I have a sneaky suspicion you know will cause relationship traumas.

Godd luck and think deeply about yourself.

[Lord_Pheonix]

Well In the event that you do decide to tell her, instead of coming out and saying it ...you could try to get her into the idea of a threesum with another man and then just see where things go.My wife and I have been married for 5 years and we have had experiences with both men and women .It can be alot of fun.Just make sure that you set down ground rules of what you are comfortable with!

[moonlitwish]

As a wife, if my husband decided to tell me he was bi after that long of marriage and he had known it the whole time, I'd be pissed. If this is a revelation that you have come to after marriage vows were taken and such, and sexual desire is not something you regularly converse over, then I wouldn't take it as personally. That's just how I would feel, tho and every woman is different. Pay extra attention to her needs, so she is confidant that you love her, and by all means explore your desires together. Holding this inside will only eat you up and possibly ruin your marriage if the feelings are getting stronger as you say they are. Honesty is the best policy when it comes to sex of any kind. :2cents:

[searchingbrian]

This is an extremely difficult situation and one that I would not want to predict the outcome. You know your wife the best... and yet you have chosen NOT to reveal this before. Why? fear of her reaction? I would be VERY careful about what you say now unless you can somehow playfully come up with the idea of a MMF threesome to please her. I know that honesty is the best policy but there are plenty of examples on this site where the secret revealed ruined an otherwise happy marriage. If you are really serious about following through on your desires, then I agree that you had better talk with your wife first. How you do that will have to depend on what you think will affect her the least since I guarantee you that after 33 years of marriage this will be a shock. First of all, of course, is think hard and long about what you really want to do and what you want to put in jeopardy.

Good Luck.
Brian

[bigregory]

Is there a god?
Why are we here?
Did i turn off the oven?
Talk about a hard question.
33 years ,i think you know the answer better than anyone here.
I read the previous replys and think that somewhere in there you will find your answer.
read them and think .
then think some more.
Then its up to you.
OK then think some more.
You know her best.
Of course you could always accidently rent a movie that turns out to be a bi-flick--OPPS check her reaction ( I thought it was BAMBI )
best of luck .
dont leap.........
Think some more/more/ more
:yinyang:

[PeterH]

Dear Phillywill,

I have no answer to whether you should or shouldn't tell. Your question did make me think of some coming out experiences I had. And based on that, I may have one or two ideas.
One was telling my (now ex-) girlfriend I was bi. I discovered I was in that relationship. We had talked about same sex experiences before that., so the issue was not 'new'. I thought about what to do with my feelings beforehand.
I had decided that, given that I loved her very much, and that are relationship was based on the assumption of me being bi, I intended to be faithful to her. I felt she was entitled to it. If she would accept me to behave more freely, that was a gift for her to give, not something for me to take, or demand from her. In the end the relationship ended, but me being bi was not the cause of that.
The other is trying to tell my mom and dad I was bi 7 1/2 yrs ago. I mentioned to them that a friend of my is gay, and we had a talk about that. They seemed to accept that. Then I said: 'there are also some people who are bisexual' and they responded very negatively, saying it's impossible. I said it really did exist, but left it at that. I was much too scared to tell them. I finally did tell them a month ago, because i felt it had such a drastic effect on my life, that I didn't want to keep it quiet anymore. It was hard for them to accept, but they did accept it. I think there are still things to discuss, but we are talking and they accept it, and I didn't really expect more. I feel that, with time, they will come to accept it more, as I continue to understand myself, and be able to explain to them what it means.
Based on these experience, and on how I felt about not being open (I think being open is the key to any relationship), I would think you'd want to tell your wife, but not necessarily straight away. Perhaps you can do it in steps.
Discussing gays and lesbians first, then discussing bisexuals, then coming out to her.
1) discussing the existence of gays and lesbians. People being gay or lesbian is more socially accepted, so it's easier to discuss it. Find out how she feels about that. Discuss your views together. if she has a positive view, you could move on to the next step. If she is not positive about it, yyou probably need to discuss it more. What made my mom accept gays, was that there is a gay tv persoanluity that she really llikes and has similar morals to hers, he is a minister in church and has been in a steady relationship for years. So he's religious and does not sleep around. Is there any example of a gay person that your wife can relate to. You can also discuss topics like gay marriage and stuff.
2) If she's ok with people being gay, you might start discussing the existance of people being bi. Bisexuality is something that is accepted as fact in the medical world. This may be a point that is helpful in the discussion. it does exist. Your wife could probably never see herself as sleeping with a woman. That may actually be a good thing. It's not something people would just make up then, is it? I think bringing up this topic could naturally lead to a discussion of morals, and of people finding out they are bi in an marriage. If you have gotten to this stage, I think your wife might start to have some suspicions.
3) the last step would be for you to tell her, and you will be prepared on what to say about morals by that time.

What you also want to be preparede for is that she may start to get suspicions at any stage along the way. If she finds out in any way, you may decide you want to tell her straight away. To prevent her from becoming suspicious, I'd suggest not to discuss the issue too often.

When coming out to your wife, there are several issues that you need to discuss. One of the most important things is that she needs to know that you really love her, and have no intentions at all in leaving her.
She will also have doubts about herself: is this my fault, am I not attractive enough. You will want to make it absolutely clear to her that she is very attractive, and it has nothing to do with her. This says something about you, who you are, not about her.
Well, I notice that, once again, I'm rambling on. If you want to know how best to tell your wife, when you decide, the wives of bi husbands on this site can give you much better advice than I ever could. They write posts, they come to chat and they are the real experts.
Just my :2cents: I hope this was of some help, Peter

[kickasstrinity2]

My heart goes out to you....and I agree with other the posts... u know ur wife best.
I maybe a youngen, but...Being in a marriage for that many years says a lot about the both of you and what type of people you both are. I'm sure when you do decide to tell her...she will understand...she maybe upset at first, but you don't make it through 33 years of marriage without talking issues out ;)
I know it's hard...life isn't easy when u're grown-up....
Good Luck!
and best wishes

:2cents:

[Mrs.F]

Hi Philly,

I am a wife on here who has a bi husband. I found out after 10 yrs. of marriage that he had these feelings. It was very hard for me to digest at first. And it took me awhile to finally feel comfortable with it.

There is going to be no easy way and I think the advice you have gotten has been good advice. You know your wife the best and you should know by now how she feels about certain things. But after finding out about my husband and knowing that he held that inside for years, just as you have...I felt really bad for him. That's a huge secret to hide and a huge part of YOU. After the shock wore off and I knew he still loved me, would never cheat on me, had not cheated on me, and it was not my fault at all, I began to see how much he had represed these feelings all these years. What torture to hide that from the most important person in your life..Your Spouse!

After 33 years of marriage, her love for you is going to be strong enough to understand. It may take a lot of time, it won't happen overnight. But in time she will understand and she will be ok. You just have to take a step at a time and communicate to her. Be honest with her and talk, talk and talk somemore. You have to have that communication to survive.

Also what helped me and still is...I joined this site (he is also a member here) and talked to people, read these posts and learned as much as I could so that I would understand. Not only have I done that, but I have learned alot about myself. (not that I'm bi, I get asked that alot :rolleyes: ) but it helped me to be more open minded, more alive and made our marriage much stronger. :bigrin:

Mrs.F :2cents:

[csrakate]

This is not an easy situation and I am afraid that we have too little knowledge of you or your wife to predict how things might go if you decide to tell her about your feelings. A lot depends on how open she is sexually...how much the two of you discuss sex in general...and her overall views of bisexuality as a general topic. I will say, however, that I would think that she would prefer to find out from you instead of finding out some other way. It will be a shock regardless, but a shock tempered by overtures of love and respect may be better received than the shock of finding out and feeling betrayed.

I realize that your problem is compounded by already having over 30 years of marriage under your belt...that my make her feel as though she has been living a lie all this time. Whatever you do, make sure you constantly remind her of you love for her...let her know that sex with her was and is wonderful (and I do hope that this is true)...that your sexual urges towards men have nothing to do with any sort of inadequacies on her part.

One other factor to consider...do you plan to act on it? That will be one of the first things she may ask you. You need to decide how important that factor is. If you feel you have to try it, then let her know that. If you feel that by just being open and honest with her so that you no longer feel as if you are hiding a secret and that perhaps you two can share fantasies as a result, then let her know that as well. My husband told me about his bisexuality before we married, but he also told me that he desired to stay monogamous with me. I have to admit that hearing that was quite a relief to me at the time. I was only 22 and rather naive about such things and had I thought he was going to act differently, I may have thought twice about marrying him...BUT at the same time, I would have felt the same way had he told me that he planned to have sex with other women as well.

I wish you luck and hope that you find whatever you need to be happy.

Hugs,
Kate

[arana]

Best of luck to you Will. I hope this works out in the best way possible for you.

[BI BOYTOY]

As a wife of a bi man I agree completely with the reply's that you have gotten so far.
THINK, THINK, THINK and then THINK AGAIN
about telling your wife.

One thing I would add is that if you do tell your wife be prepared that she may not accept you no matter how you tell her.

I hate to be a downer about it but it is a possiblity that she may not accept who you are.

So please THINK LONG AND HARD before you make such a hard decision.

Though I had no problem accepting my husband as he accepted me, I know that there are people out there who can not, will not accept us for who we are. So please be careful and think carefully about this decision.

[jasforjas]

Yes - but if she doesnt accept who you are perhaps its time to find some one who does. :eek: Well where I come from if they dont accepted you for who you are it ant called love. :2cents:

[metallywacker]

I share you concerns. My wife and I have been married for over 31 years ourselves. We have had our own share of ups and downs as most do. Probably the lowest point of our life was related to sex. We were in the 11 year doldrums I guess you could say. She is and always been a sweet and nurturing person. But at this point I think we were both stretched to the point of breaking. The stress of raising 6 kids, both working, trying to stretch our 90 cents to cover 1.50 worth of bills every month took its toll on us, and there didn't seem to be any way out at the time. Our sex life fell into neglect. I am not fixing blame on either one of us particularly but we had reached a point where sex occurred maybe once every 4-6 months. We were both unhappy. Then I fell prey to temptation that resulted in infidelity with another woman. I mostly regret the pain, emotional suffering and fear this caused the woman I love more than anything in the world. We separated for a time but eventually agreed that this as bad as it was did not outweigh all the positives of our relationship with one another and our children and family. We sort of started over. A short time afterwards in a moment of weakness she said she resented the fact that I had experienced something extra which she had not. I gave her permission to check it out, which led to a threesome with another guy. That led to the potential of bisexual behavior between me and him. Once at that point she bailed out and has since expressed regret that it ever happened. I however have carried that desire ever since, 20 years now. She knows or suspects I am sure I would do it given the chance. She knows I love her and that our relationship is not grounded in sex. I also feel strongly she would not accept the situation. Only recently during a movie we had surfed into on the satellite channel showed a tranny being mounted by a guy, she jumped up and left the room. I changed the channel. But it leaves little doubt in my mind that coming out to her would not work in our case. I agree, you probably know how she would react better than anyone in the world after living with one another for so many years. Don't let your hopes and desires cloud your pragmatic awareness. Sometimes being honest with ourselves can be as difficult and with others.

[nakedambrosia]

For one, you should go very slowly and ask yourself several question:

How is your sexual relationship with your wife? Are you able to communicate about sex, fantasize sex fantasies and is she open to "outside the box" ideas? For example, fantasy in the bedroom can be very powerful and can complement sexual play immensely. This works for us. Now fantasy is just that and may just remain one with a wife without crossing over into reality. Most often, that's where it will remain, and that's ok because the brain is one of the most powerful players in sex.

How does she feel about bisexuality? Is she violently opposed, somewhat opposed, tolerant, liberal?

Telling her without an adequate "foundation", telling her cold I think will have a detrimental effect. A very slow navigation based on your relationship and knowledge of her is the best.

[OralBradley]

I am deeply in love with my wife of 33 years. I am attracted to men and have desired to have sex with another man for many, many years.

My wife and I have been married for almost 30 years, and she has know of my bisexuality for most of it. In that I was out to all of my firends at the time, I thought that she automatically knew or she would have known from the beginning. It hasn't aways been easy, but we have weathered through the difficulties and have grown cleser over the years. She is generally supportive and we even looked for a suitible "third" or a couple to share our lives.

I have not satisfied this yearning, because I guess that would be cheating, but my desire increases with each passing year.

We were involved int the swinging scene in the early 80s, but the advent of AIDS caused us to rethink out activites and we have been monogamous since. the only M2M contacts that I have had were an occasional mutual JO with a guy in a theater.
Now that I am older, and age has reduced my sexual stamina (but not my horniness) I am finding the want for sexual contact with another man increasingly strong and have difficulty with the stress that causes.

I would love to discuss this with her, but I'm afraid that she would react very negatively. Ideally, she would accept this and be okay with me pursuing my dream. Maybe she would want to satisfy her curiosity also. I envy couples on this site who love each other and can openly enjoy other couples. You don't know how lucky you are!

I hope that you can eventually find some way to be open with her. You may find that she will supportive, but it may also create a disaster to your marriage. Make haste slowly! As otheres have advised, think out and evaluate before your act. Her general attitudes should be a clue to her ability and willingness to accept your bisexuality. What are her attitudes about sex in general? Does she like and participate in oral sex with you? Does she enjoy sexually explicit movies (there are some rather good ones hidden among a mountain of crap!).


I am so glad I found this site. I thought I was wierd and the only one - LOL.
Should I risk alienating my wife and tell her about my bisexuality?
Will

What ever you do, I wissh you well and good fortune.

[sidekick366]

I am deeply in love with my wife of 33 years. I am attracted to men and have desired to have sex with another man for many, many years.
I have not satisfied this yearning, because I guess that would be cheating, but my desire increases with each passing year.
I would love to discuss this with her, but I'm afraid that she would react very negatively. Ideally, she would accept this and be okay with me pursuing my dream. Maybe she would want to satisfy her curiosity also. I envy couples on this site who love each other and can openly enjoy other couples. You don't know how lucky you are!
I am so glad I found this site. I thought I was wierd and the only one - LOL.
Should I risk alienating my wife and tell her about my bisexuality?
Will
i say yes
sexual fantisies are a part of a good marriage and should be shared.
i had to go through the same thing with my wife and she was set aback when i told her .
as long as she knows i would not leave her for the bi life and that i would not seek anything without her knowing.
who knows she may have some fantasies that my shock you
give her some credit and start talking , slowly at first.

[OralBradley]

"as long as she knows i would not leave her for the bi life and that i would not seek anything without her"

Fear that I would desert her was my wife's greatest problem with my bisexuality. Disease was a second and very realistic fear as well.

[Sparks]

:2cents: Read into the word's from Brian. There is a great amout of wisdom and guidance there. After 33 years, you know what her reaction will be. We, here in the room, will always give you comfort and support. That being said, I encourage you to seek counseling before you drop the bomb. My best to you and yours.

[nakedambrosia]

I suggest never to drop the bomb. What men want may not necessarily equal what women want. For example, I have gone to nudist resorts and I have had many women tell me that their guy always pestered them to go to one. Those who eventually went wondered why it took them so long, because when they started they loved the lifestyle. It is a matter of cultural indoctrination; women are not "supposed" to do certain things, like go nude in public. One can thank Queen Victoria, and all the Puritanical history of the United States. These thoughts, mores, are deeply burned into our subconscious. It started when we were toddlers. It was ok to be nude on the beach as a one year old, but somewhere in time, it was decided that it was not proper, somewhere during our toddler years.
So you are paddling upstream against a very strong current. You need to go with the flow and go very very slowly towards anything "outside the box." It's always the guys who want their women to do "outside the box" things probably because, since as youngsters, we as guys could whip it out an pee anywhere. We're not as inhibited only because of Culture. Women are supposed to be prude, shy, in the background, submissive...not that I support any of it, but I'm illustrating these traits because of our Great Puritanical History which dictates that women should be this way!
I remember being in St Tropez, in line to get a drink from a stand on the beach back in 1968. All of a sudden I saw my friend Tom ran towards me. Tom was my buddy in the Air Force and it was his First Time in France. By the time he got to me he was all red in the face, sweaty and out of breath. "Tom, what's goin' on?" I ask. "You won't believe this: the girl behind me (he was at another line) had no top! Her breasts were bare!" (Now Tom was from Dayton Ohio). The girl behind me raised her eyes to the sky. So I said "Tom, let me take you to a place where no one wears anything!" After that Tom got straightened out. Culture. Puritanical upbringing. Bible Belt. Burned in, branded cultural mores. You need to tread lightly, very lightly. Probe, test, be subtle.

[APMountianMan]

I can't help but think of a friend that went asked the same question. We talked for over a year: should he tell, should he not. Then he wrote me and said that he had to be true to who he was and that because he was sure this was a part of him he had to tell his spouse. I was scared for him, and he was scared for himself. He could loss his family, his job, his standing in this community. Nevertheless, he sat and told his wife what he suspected about himself: "I have feelings for other men," he told her, "I don't know if I am bi or gay, but I am one them." She laughed and said, "I knew this before we were married, so..."

Needless to say we were both blown away with her response. I don't know how your wife will respond. No one does. She may say it is over; that she can't handled it. She may struggle with it and then decide she can't handle it. She may struggle with it and then decide that she can deal. She may not struggle with it at all; she may be waiting for you to admit to yourself who you really are.

It is not a question of should you tell her, it is a question of what kind of person you believe yourself to be. That is the real question and the real journey of discovery.

Who are you? Answer this question and you will know what path to take.

:cool:

[nakedambrosia]

AP, really good post.

[tatooedpunk]

This is a really hard one, i am married almost 11 years and i love my wife a lot.
I do want to have sex with men but i have to tell myself it doesn't matter who you have sex with you are still cheating.I probably will meet someone and be unfaithful but it depends how your wife will deal with it that really matters

[Mimi]

ask yourself this: would you want your wife to tell you? and then go from there.

mimi :flag1:

[BI BOYTOY]

hey. after 33 years is a very long time.only you know how she might react,i dont envy you on this, tread very lightly thats for sure. :) theirs alot of good advise in here.you have alot to thingk about.i wish you the best of luck.if you do tell her please give us an update?and remember you do have freinds in here. :flag3: :three:

[mike9753]

First of all, there is some wonderful advice in all the previous posts. Please read it and re-read it before you do anything.

Second, why are you considering this NOW? This goes to the question someone asked, "How is your current sex life?"

I believe that things happen for a reason. Sometimes we cannot fully comprehend the reason because we are too close to the issues.

If you are now contemplating telling your wife you want to have sex with a man to explore these "bi or gay" feelings it may be that there is something missing NOW (meaning in the last few years) in your relationship with her.

Maybe her sex drive is diminishing and yours remains strong. I think we all have bi feelings - some very strong some very mild, but I think they are there, especially because most of us – and I mean people in general - are drawn to the forbidden fruit in life. (Look at Adam & Eve).

I would begin to look at what is happening in your intimate lives today (in the last few years). Have there been changes? Changes in both you and in your wife and in how you relate sexually and intimately? Is something missing? If you find that there is something missing or that something has changed for the worse or even for the better between you both, then deal with that first. (Sometimes good things cause stress that can hurt a relationship). Then see if these bi or gay urges are as strong.

I think you need to weigh the relative gains and losses if you tell her before you explore what your relationship is today. You could lose a 33 year old relationship if you tell her or you could remain very unhappy if you don't. But eliminate the current question marks first. There is too much to lose.

There is another issue here as well. That is the difference between having curiosity about doing something and acting on it. I think over time couples should share with each other the ways that they as individuals have evolved and changed. This change may manifest itself as bi-curiosity, among other types of changes. I do think we all change over time – hopefully we get smarter and more in touch with what is ultimately important to us. But the key here is, “What will this change do to the marriage contract?” “Will it threaten it?” If one person feels they must explore a sexual relationship with a same sex individual, then the spouse will feel that the marriage is threatened. If the marriage is centrally important to the spouse that will be very, very hard to hear. But if that same person shares their curiosity and has the credibility with their spouse that this curiosity will not be acted upon and therefore will not be a threat to the marriage, it is easier to handle.

Today, at 56 I know that I would love to try sex with a man. I made a commitment to my wife to be faithful to her. It was a personal contract. Even though I have this interest, I do not want to break the contract. When I look at myself, I think that a 56 yr. old man is an adult. I made choices and commitments to my life partner when we got married 14 years ago. I did not make them to her with a qualification that if I decided I wanted to explore new things with another person - a man or woman, that my commitment could be re-negotiated. To me, adults keep their words and their commitments - that is what differentiates me from a kid. I have the will and the fortitude to say what I mean and mean what I say no matter what. If that means that I have to sacrifice something, then I willingly do that. Otherwise I couldn’t really call myself an adult.

Sorry if I went on too long. With all the good advice that preceded my comments, what I shared was probably redundant. It’s a tough issue. I hope whatever you decide results in a greater happiness and better life for you and your spouse and your family.

Mike