When do you tell?

[UnusualCouple]

As a mother and grandmother who is quite honest with her children I have a question to pose...
I was in a situation the other day when on a video call with my grandaughter who asked where Grandpa was. I reluctantly told her that Grandpa was out - this was actually a lie as he was sat opposite me but could not have explained to her why he was dressed in a blonde wig and ladies clothes. So my question is ... when do you tell all?

[dman82]

Wow is that ever a unique situation. From my view point it may have been best to have been honest well before there were any grandkids even in the picture so that way things would have been easier to tell down the road. But that is long past and I am sorry but I have no clue for the current situation.

[innaminka]

Its a balancing act.
To my mind, my two daughters were allowed to grow up as children - happy and secure in a "nuclear" family, completely unaware (I thought) that their mother was bisexual and fast veering towards being lesbian.

I opened up to them just on a year ago when my husband and I separated. It was an amicable separation, but it had to be, as part of the "whys" that I no longer really related to men sexually. I had loved their father, but I could not help was I was etc etc. They were then late teens.

I was hopelessly nervous, I went to the toilet about 6 times in the hour before - and it was so easy. Firstly they were aware, or at least had suspicions about my sexuality, and secondly, they were at an age where they had learnt it all at school - about different sexulaities.

They now embrace my new g/f and we've moved on.

To answer the question - tell when you have to. Balance the trauma that may be caused by telling against the need to know.
Children are resiliant, but I lean to letting them enjoy an innocence as long as they can.

[manpower1]

Its better to tell but also there may be problems develope later.one is a split family thats the worse.

[Hephaestion]

Innaminka has things about right.

H.

[tenni]

I think that in innaminka's situation that there seemed to be a reason to inform them. In the case of the OP"s husband sitting there cross dressing is there a need? Is he planning on cross dressing in sufficient days that your grandchildren or children may walk into your house while he is cross dressed?

I don't think that there is a one size fits all situations. Some believe that they want to share certain sexual scenarios with one and all. They may have a personal political reason about openness and this may be true in the OP's case. You have not done so up until now but if it is important to you that your family knows then the sooner the better?

[MarieDelta]

FWIW: There is nothing wrong with crossdressing.

And it is up to your husband to decide to tell them, its his "secret".

Yes , it does depend on a "need to know." However if it is something that they're likely to find out on their own, better tell them sooner vs later. Keeping secrets from loved ones causes more trauma later, especially if its something you are likely to reveal later.

Younger children react better than teenagers, however they are less adept at 'keeping secrets". Balanced with the fact that younger children are more accepting of differences in adults and less judgmental.

Also its important that the parent(s) of the child are involved in the process, depending on how old the child is.


All in all its up to your husband and yourself to decide when to tell.

A good book to read regarding coming out as trans* to children is Dress Codes: Of Three Girlhoods---My Mother's, My Father's, and Mine (http://www.amazon.com/Dress-Codes-Girlhoods-My-Mothers-Fathers/dp/0312422202) by Noelle Howey.

[transcendMental]

One thing to consider is that children tend to react best to any major revelations when they are younger, and adolescence tends to be the worst time to hit them with gender-related issues.

I don't know how old your grandchildren are, and I don't know whether their grandfather is a cross-dresser or a transsexual - he/she may not know either. If he is a cross-dresser, I suppose you need to ask yourself how important it is that they ever know what he does or how he dresses privately. If she is a transsexual and might transition, then it is less an issue of whether they find out than when, and all the studies I've read say "the younger the better" for the children. If this is your situation, then I would suggest that you talk to your grandchildren's parents about this as soon as possible.

tm