Do bi monogamous men exist?

[hardnbubbly]

Just wondering about this.. I've been having lots of discussion with my wife about needing to explore with other guys... or just needing to cam with other guys.. and she seems to think that's out of the question...

So this leads to my question: do bi monogamous men exist?

[TwylaTwobits]

Yes they do exist, I'm in a monogamous relationship with a bi man right now.

[cliffordmontero]

i know they do because i exist . . . however the exact number of us i do not know

[hardnbubbly]

Ok.. so I have proof of existence.. :)
Is it difficult being monogamous?

[mikey3000]

Um, don't look at me.:eek:

[cliffordmontero]

it is as difficult as you make it in my opinion

[vengful-tenkatsu]

they do iand i agree with the statement above mine its as hard as you make it

[hardnbubbly]

I guess for me it feels like struggle.. I want to be monogamous (including no c2c) for my wife.. cause she wants it.. but at the same time I still struggle with these urges.. makes me feel incomplete in a sense... even though I have the best relationship with her.. and sex life is also amazing.

[bityme]

There are different kinds of monogamy.

There is the bi man who is monogamous with a female partner and foregoes any relationship with a male.

Then there is the bi man who is monogamous with a female partner and also monogamous with a single male partner. (The male relationship is sometimes called a closed loop relationship.)

You are apparently involved in the former.

If you are having trouble, my first question would be: When did she find out you were bisexual? If it was after the marriage, then you need to think about what the effect might be. After all, you did make a commitment.

If it was before the marriage and she was OK with it, but now has objections, you need to communicate more.

In either case, if you really want to have the relationship with just the two of you and set aside your bi desires, perhaps some counseling is in order to help you cope. This is particularly true if you see yourself wanting to break the commitment at some future time. In which case, you really need the counseling or you need to make the break earlier than later. The counseling might help you avoid a bad decision that could have lifetime effects.

Best of Luck.

[djones]

I just ended a monogamous relationship of 15 years. My desires for men were left unfulfilled, but so were my desires for women - aside from my girl friend.

Being monogamous basically means no extracurricular sex. So, eliminating guys was no more difficult than cutting out girls.

It may be more difficult for some, so I don't pretend I am a model for behavior - just sharing a little of my story.

[TwylaTwobits]

Well in the case of me and my partner. We chose to be monogamous and have used various ways to satisfy his need for other things. I'd suggest talking to your wife and explaining that you would like to try things like a feeldoe or a strapon and go from there. Some women can do it, some can't and that's their prerogative. I do not countenance going outside of the relationship against her express wishes as you will basically doom the relationship.

[bikiniman]

I'm Bi and in a monogamous relationship with my wife of 16 years.

I do struggle with my desires to have sex with men and have had some counselling which has been helpful.

[tenni]

I think that bi monogamous men exist. I think that it is reasonable to expect a bi man to have sex with only one woman. I do not think that it is reasonable or "better" to expect a bi man not to also have sex with another man as well. It is a denial of who we are.

As bisexual men, I think that we should reject the traditional heterosexual expectation of monogomy meaning having sex with only one person. This is a morality issue and the traditional heterosexual expectation should be rejected by bisexual men. Heterosexuality by its definition deals only with the opposite sex relationships. We are not heterosexual men and therefore should not place this expectation on ourselves or other bisexual men. We should feel no shame for acknowledging our bisexuality. Bisexual men should not expect this of other bisexual men and consider themselves "better" or more honourable if they follow a heterosexual expectation. Bi men should be honest to stand up and reject this heterosexual expectation of the mainsteam society.

It is however a choice for each bisexual man to make.

[Long Duck Dong]

having sex with other partners is a choice, its the same for hetero / bi / gay men..... its not a exclusively bi aspect.... and its sure as hell not a medical / life threatening issue if we do not have cocks.... we just want to see it as a serious issue if we do not have cocks...

monogamy is a choice between two people,.....it existed from the time of adam and eve ( if they indeed existed ) and the moment other people appeared....
the conditions and terms of marriage, were created much later...... but not everybody chose that, and nor did that style of marriage apply to everybody..... harems do not confirm to traditional heterosexual monogamy....

it comes down to the issue of have you being honest with your partner, is there a understanding of its ok to have extra partners..... and does the bi partner really want to have extra partners..... as there are bi males that may enjoy a cock... but they have no need, want or desire for it if they are in a relationship / marriage.....

I can not help but notice that we constantly give the impression that bi males are unable to survive without cocks in their lives.... but its a false impression for a number of bi males

I, for one, value my partner more than a random cock or two, and cos I am more of a relationship type person, not a random fuck partner type person, I can easily have a monogamous relationship without the extra cocks on the side..... which, to me honestly, reminds me of people with sexual fetishs, more than actual bi people

[TwylaTwobits]

Totally agree with the above with one exception.....it could have been Adam/Adam or Eve/Eve, monogamy is not a concept that is known only to heterosexuals. There are many gay and lesbian couples that are true to their partners because they care and want to have a relationship built on a firm foundation of trust and understanding, why should bisexuals be any different?

[tenni]

I think that it comes down to defining what a bisexual community finds socially appropriate for bisexual men. What would be a socially acceptable norm for bisexual men as defined by bisexual men without considering the heterosexually based perceptions. Even within a bisexual relationship where both partners are bisexual this issue can be difficult for some to deal with due to the mainstream cultural norm about relationships. Add a hetersexual female into the relationship with a bisexual man and all of the traditional hetero expectations of a relationship, it is no wonder that there is stress on the male bisexual.

All the other concepts about monogomy come from the traditional hetersosexual perspective. Even those in a gay relationship may aspire to heterosexual interpretations of how to live their life due to the mainstream cultural norm. Many gay men in a relationship redefine and reject that traditional hetersexual concept of a relationship. It comes down to accepting or rejecting the concept that "coupledom" as a bisexual norm. It seems to me that if a man is sexually attracted to both men and women that it is not reasonable for him to deny acting upon his reality. I think that it is to be expected a heterosexual woman does not understand bisexual men and struggles with her perception about heterosexual relationships and how to accept the reality of a male bisexual. I am suspect of motives when such a person deems it appropriate to impose her heterosexual views in a bisexual men discussion. Bisexual men are well aware of the cultural heterosexual norm.

Just as bisexuals on this site attempt to develop and support a more positive image that bisexuality is not "bad" we need to create our own perspective on how we as bisexuals deal with desiring sex with both men and women. The hetero road is not the only road to travel. Let those that chose the hetero road be happy. Let bisexuals be accepting of other roads on this bisexual site. Show tolerance of differences. There is more than one way to build relationships and to state that they are not as firm an option as traditional hetero lifestyles is being judgmental of other's choices.

[sumerfield]

I am a bisexual man that has been monogamous with my wife for 14 years. the struggle I have is being exclusive to one gender, as opposed to one person. I find other women attractive both sexually and emotionally. Staying sexually true to my wife to the exclusion of other women is not much of an issue with me. However, since I am wired to want/need sexual contact with men, it sets up an internal struggle. My wife knows about my bisexual orientation and says that she is ok with it. The proof will be when I act on it.

[TwylaTwobits]

So you think that because I am a heterosexual woman that I have no clue regarding bisexual monogamous relationships?? How would that be possible since I've been in one for over a year? We have come to terms with any issues we had/have and are always communicating. I expressed my ideas for the OP in terms of something his wife can do that I found worked for us. Sorry if I am too female or hetero for you, Tenni. We all know that you think women don't have a clue about anything let alone what a bisexual male thinks or feels. I can tell you, unless the bisexual male doesn't tell the female you might be right, but communication is the key to any relationship. The OP asked if there were bi monogamous men, he was answered. No one is imposing their views we are answering questions so do me the favor of not trying to belittle my views or devalue their veracity simply because you do not agree with them.

[bityme]

I think that bi monogamous men exist. I think that it is reasonable to expect a bi man to have sex with only one woman. I do not think that it is reasonable or "better" to expect a bi man not to also have sex with another man as well. It is a denial of who we are.

As bisexual men, I think that we should reject the traditional heterosexual expectation of monogomy meaning having sex with only one person. This is a morality issue and the traditional heterosexual expectation should be rejected by bisexual men. Heterosexuality by its definition deals only with the opposite sex relationships. We are not heterosexual men and therefore should not place this expectation on ourselves or other bisexual men. We should feel no shame for acknowledging our bisexuality. Bisexual men should not expect this of other bisexual men and consider themselves "better" or more honourable if they follow a heterosexual expectation. Bi men should be honest to stand up and reject this heterosexual expectation of the mainsteam society.

While this is a viable concept, it shouldn't be applied to just male bisexuals. I should be a standard for all bisexuals. Also, this should be the stance taken before commiting ones self to a relationship.

Individually though, each relationship is different. However, if there is full disclosure ahead of time and the non-bi party is given a full understanding of the bi party's needs, it will be easier to establish reasonable ground rules for the relationship.

I don't think that taking that solid stance for the first time would be reasonable in the the middle of a realtionship when full disclosure was not made at the outset.

[hardnbubbly]

Interesting views on the subject. I actually swing back and forth between wanting to be monogamous and wanting to explore with men. As someone mentioned above, I can handle not being with other women and it is not a problem for me at all. It is the male interaction that I feel I am missing.

I started dating my wife when i was 18, and hadn't come to terms with my bisexuality until I was 23, at which point I told her about it. I also told her about camming with other guys but until then I've only had teenage experience with guys that predated being with her. She wasn't ok with camming and I promised to stop, however for various reasons it started again after a while.

Long story short, she found out about it recently, and I've come clean about it and I am being more communicative about my feelings and needs. I am also being clear about not being able to push this under the carpet. It's only been 3 months since and I think we have a long way to go till we come to common understanding.

I guess there is no real answer to this question.. different people are different and different relationships are also unique. I find it extremely helpful to hear and read about other people's experiences and to see what others think. Thanks for sharing!! :)

[Long Duck Dong]

for me, it often seems like wanting the freedom of the single life, while being married......

I will be honest, I have personal issues and they are the reason why I have never married and I am close to 40.....
I do take the marriage vows seriously, and as a personal view point, judge myself very critical on any failure of me in a relationship..... however that doesn't apply to other people, its a aspect of my dysthimia ( low level depression )

I also take into consideration, my current partners concern, that if I am sleeping with other men, then I am opening myself and her up to a wider range of issues, including emotional, mental and health issues and that makes sense after losing my sister to aids.....

as I do freely admit, they are personal issues and do not play a factor in my opinion, that it seems that we do create a large problem and issue over the fact that we simply want sex on our terms, and can view our partners non agreement as unfair and selfish.....
in simple terms, we are asking them to compromise when we are not wanting to.... they want us for themselves, we want others.....

[mikey3000]

I am a bisexual man that has been monogamous with my wife for 14 years. the struggle I have is being exclusive to one gender, as opposed to one person. I find other women attractive both sexually and emotionally. Staying sexually true to my wife to the exclusion of other women is not much of an issue with me. However, since I am wired to want/need sexual contact with men, it sets up an internal struggle. My wife knows about my bisexual orientation and says that she is ok with it. The proof will be when I act on it.

I completely agree!!!

[bisexualman]

Yes I think monogamous people exist in all orientations.

I also think it depends on what the expectations are of the relationship.

However I must say that monogamy in the traditional sense, is difficult for me. I will definitely think twice about entering another long term relationship. It was very difficult realizing that my sex drive is so fluid and changing, that to remain committed to one only, is far too difficult. For me it was too much to ask of me, and for her it was very unfair. It was a deal breaker.

I can't, at the moment commit to only one. Perhaps with time and the right circumstances I can.

That's my two cents.

[Jackal]

My boyfriend his highly monogamous. I don't think he'd even like a three way with me and my doppelganger. I don't think that it's all that different that being monosexual and monogamous; no extracurricular sex as someone said. It can be hard or a non-issue, depending on who you are. Someone suggested toys as way to try and satisfy desires and I think that's a great idea. It works for me and mine.

[Long Duck Dong]

I am a bisexual man that has been monogamous with my wife for 14 years. the struggle I have is being exclusive to one gender, as opposed to one person. I find other women attractive both sexually and emotionally. Staying sexually true to my wife to the exclusion of other women is not much of an issue with me. However, since I am wired to want/need sexual contact with men, it sets up an internal struggle. My wife knows about my bisexual orientation and says that she is ok with it. The proof will be when I act on it.

I enjoyed reading your reply......

it sounds to me like you have found a way to balance out the attraction to females while acknowledging its a real aspect of things..... and that at this stage, the issue is with the same gender attraction on a emotional / sexual level.....

the way i read it, was you were referring to the attractions to both genders as a equal issue.... and that really speaks volumes to me about the issues you are dealing with......
the reason I say that, is it highlights something I am aware of.... that as bisexuals we are attracted to both genders and getting married, doesn't *fix* the attraction to females.... it does help to lessen the desires in that area of attraction..... tho I am inclined to think that it makes the desire for male contact to feel more acute and intense as its not *clouded * by the other attraction

[Alaskan Couple]

Interesting views on the subject. I actually swing back and forth between wanting to be monogamous and wanting to explore with men. As someone mentioned above, I can handle not being with other women and it is not a problem for me at all. It is the male interaction that I feel I am missing.

I started dating my wife when i was 18, and hadn't come to terms with my bisexuality until I was 23, at which point I told her about it. I also told her about camming with other guys but until then I've only had teenage experience with guys that predated being with her. She wasn't ok with camming and I promised to stop, however for various reasons it started again after a while.

Long story short, she found out about it recently, and I've come clean about it and I am being more communicative about my feelings and needs. I am also being clear about not being able to push this under the carpet. It's only been 3 months since and I think we have a long way to go till we come to common understanding.

I guess there is no real answer to this question.. different people are different and different relationships are also unique. I find it extremely helpful to hear and read about other people's experiences and to see what others think. Thanks for sharing!! :)

I think your last statement is very true..."different people are different and different relationships are also unique...". But, I have a somewhat similar background experience as you and I tried to ignore the homosexual attraction and need for many years. She has known about my early experiences since we first were married but she had no idea how deeply my need for a male connection was. Finally, with the advent of the internet and the availability of more scholarly information on human sexuality, I realized I wasn't weird or abnormal. Now, through much discussion, she is open to my finding the male I need to fulfill my own inner need.

I somewhat disagree with some of the statements that have alluded to a bisexual person's need/desire being a non-important thing. I believe when anyone is forced to live ones life in falsehood, it is detrimental to their well being. For me, being open about who I am is like a burden lifted from my shoulders. I feel healthier emotionally than I can ever remember. And further, my wife and I are now even more intimate and open with all of our "hidden inner secrets".

As to the original question regarding monogamous relationships: Of course that really is more of a moral issue than a human sexuality one. And a thing is only "immoral" if the people involved believe it is. Morality is really more of a cultural/religious issue. That doesn't make it a less valid or important issue. However, it does mean that one should try to understand that their own views are neither absolutely right nor wrong - they're just what you've been taught. It also means that ones views can change over time as one learns and grows in new directions.

My personal view on this tends to be more in the "polyamorous" direction. I believe that in a "perfect world" (e.g. sinless) we all would/could love one another. Of course the world is far from perfect, so we can only connect with some few people in our lifetime. My personal "morality" moves me away from any sex on a casual basis - reserving sex as the ultimate expression of a spiritual connection with another person. Thus, for me, any homosexual relationship would be of a monogamous nature just as my heterosexual relationship is with my wife.

Finally, in my own opinion, strict monogamy is born of a "clutching", "clinging", "fearful" form of love. It is when people are unwilling to let another person be free to live their life. It is fear of loss. But, it is also a "love" that cages the songbird - and for me that doesn't seem like real true love. This type of "love" often pushes the caged partner to "cheat" in order to try and fulfill some need....it is the cheating that destroys a relationship, not having a homosexual relationship.

[Long Duck Dong]

. my partner and I spent quite a long time talking about relationships.... and I expressed how I was not keen on going outside of the relationship..... and she was keen on a monogamous style relationship but working with me inside that relationship, on issues that my bisexuality could cause....

then we look in the site and see thread after thread talking about how the bisexuals needs and desires are not being recognized by hetero partners and how hetero partners should change their ways of thinking and stop being so selfish and uncaring.......

the simple fact is that a lot of bisexuals just do not want to settle down into a relationship and give up the single lifestyle of bed hopping, but we use the excuse of needs and desires to justify our actions.... and then the * its our partners fault * when we get caught.....

talk about lack of personal responsibility..... and passing the blame....

as bisexuals its our role to let our partners know about us, as we know about it... be it before the start of a relationship.... or 20 years down the track

as bisexuals, its our role to explain to our partners as best we can, what bisexuality means to us, and our partners.....

as bisexuals, its our role to make fucking sure there is no health risks to ourselves and our partners.....

but as bisexuals, its not our role to blame our partners for our actions when we make the decisions to do things.......

our partners do not have to agree to us straying from the marital bed, and they are not responsible for us doing it......

its our choice to be monogamous or not, with or without our partners permission and support.... therefore our responsibility for our actions
in the same way if we catch a sti or hiv and bring it home..... that is not our partners fault, its ours

so how about we stop the partner / monogamy bashing, and take a lil personal responsibility..... after all we are the bisexuals, we are the ones that wander... not our partners...

[tenni]

Alaskian Couple
Thanks for posting your thoughts. I appreciate reading them. I particularly found your comments about "clutching", "clinging", "fearful" type of love that doesn't permit the other person to live their life of interest. If the bisexual in that type of relationship feels caged and trapped, the relationship may be doomed to fail. It takes courage on both people's part to acknowledge the statement that no one person may be all things to another person. It may be that moralizing bisexuality within the context of traditional hetero relationships just will not work for most of us. Moralizing and assigning blame to one or the other may not be productive either.

[Long Duck Dong]

Alaskian Couple
Thanks for posting your thoughts. I appreciate reading them. I particularly found your comments about "clutching", "clinging", "fearful" type of love that doesn't permit the other person to live their life of interest. If the bisexual in that relationship feels caged and trapped, the relationship may be doomed to fail. It takes courage on both people's part to acknowledge the statement that no one person may be all things to another person.

it goes both ways in my eyes.... a hetero may feel trapped into giving permission to a bisexual for fear of losing the one they love..... and a bisexual may feel trapped into a relationship where their desire to go off with others is not permitted......
I do find it interesting how bisexuals tend to favour one side of the issue.... and not both sides.....

no person should feel trapped or pushed into aspects of a relationship that is not naturally a part of their nature..... hetero or bisexual..... and that is why I am fine with people that are in relationships where permission is freely and willingly given..... but i have issues when people post asking for help and advice to get their partners to give permission....

and while people may think I am not being understanding.... well... after burying my sister cos of aids... I am only too well aware of what can happen when casual sex goes bad......
that is what i look at the side of both partners, not just the bisexual

[12voltman59]

Why is the rap being that bi men aren't monogamous--there sure as hell are a lot of married hetero men who sure as hell aren't monogamous--they don't get a rap of being fucked up for not being monogamous!!! I just think-- sorry to say-- that either out of the way our basic natures as males are set up--or that it is cultural---men do find it hard to be monogamous--not impossible of course---and for "str8" men who are not monogamous----on the one hand society says its bad they are not monogamous--but then again----there is a wink and a nod that a "real man" is not monogamous--you just don't get your ass caught dipping your wick in another well.

Look at the deal with Tiger Woods---even on here---the guy fucked any chick that would spread her legs for him and everyone says things like "well that is his business--so what??"

I heard a rap song the other day that mentioned Tiger and his philandering with the rapper praising Tiger for being a "real brother" or something to that effect--meaning--that Tiger might have been playing the role of boring golfer/family man while he was really "tagging every pussy he could!" which is more "black like" I guess, so Tiger really is a black guy afterall!!!

I hate that notion that bisexual people--especially bisexual guys are somehow untrustworthy, sex obsessed people!!

We have to boot the notion within our own ranks!

Just like everything else----being monogamous or not is a totally individual thing--it has nothing to do with sexual orientation---it depends on whether a person lives according to a standard of "If I say I will be true to my partner(of any sort)--then I will be true to that person" or if someone lives by the standard of "if something feels good to ME and I want to do it---I am gonna do it!"

[Alaskan Couple]

Alaskian Couple
Thanks for posting your thoughts. I appreciate reading them. I particularly found your comments about "clutching", "clinging", "fearful" type of love that doesn't permit the other person to live their life of interest. If the bisexual in that type of relationship feels caged and trapped, the relationship may be doomed to fail. It takes courage on both people's part to acknowledge the statement that no one person may be all things to another person. It may be that moralizing bisexuality within the context of traditional hetero relationships just will not work for most of us. Moralizing and assigning blame to one or the other may not be productive either.

I think you got what I was trying to say very well. It's really independent of ones sexual orientation (as 12Volt said) - Cheaters are Cheaters whether they are sneaking around with the same gender or the opposite. The cheating is the true moral issue, not bisexuality, homosexuality or heterosexuality. And frankly I view such people as folks that have real serious personality flaws. Cheating is at it's core just another form of lying. I've known habitual liars, and they are basically totally untrustworthy and unsuitable for friendship (much less the intense friendship of a love relationship).

As to the "fear based love"; I'm glad you understood what I was saying there. It's taken me quite a number of years, and a lot of thoughtful consideration, to gain that insight. But if one will just pause and think about it one will realize that most all of what is called "love" is really driven by selfish motivations. In other words, my "love" is "given" only under a certain set of criteria, most of which serve my own desires/needs instead of the one I supposedly "love". As an example; Let's say that my wife truly feels the need to have a loving relationship with another man (e.g. totally heterosexual - so bisexuality is a mute issue). I can go at this in two ways - one way is in fear that somehow I might loose her to him , etc - the other way is to accept her desires as a valid need, and because I truly love her and want the best for her, I agree to continue our own love relationship even as she pursues another. This is basically the polyamorous approach.

Again, you said it correctly; if two people cannot agree to such an open love, then I believe it is time for some serious soul searching. Is the love you are sharing with that person worth price of living in their cage (e.g. by their rules)? Perhaps the answer would be yes - after all, if you truly do love the other person and they just cannot accept polyamory, then perhaps your love may dictate that you sacrifice your own desires for theirs. Personally, I think it would be a mistake to live out the (very short) days of ones life in a compromised situation - how sad to come to the last day and realize you have mis-spent your life. But, this is where each situation is unique.
(And I guess I should add; what I have said here applies to my own personal spiritual values - I believe that sexual orientations are different for all humans, and they are different because God intended it so. But, I also believe sexual relationships are reserved for those we love (and love does have many degrees and forms - from friends to spouses) - to fall prey to sexual excesses is very much the same as any other form of excess whether it is greed, eating, alcohol, drugs, lying or whatever - excess leads to pain...)

I suppose I should also add; this all really has nothing to do with the folks who seek casual one night stand sex. Just my opinion, but to ask ones spouse to put up with that is just silly talk. That type of thing tends more toward a sexual addiction I think. And as is true of all addictions and excesses, they end in pain. Sort of like the alcoholic trying to convince everyone it's okay to drink in excess, etc.

Serious subject here, and worthy of real thought - Peace to all

[TwylaTwobits]

Alaskan, thank you for pointing it out that is was your values you were discussing. I happen to disagree on a major point though. You define monogamy as a cage, but you refuse to see it's not one partner caging another, if there is a cage the two partners are locked inside by a mutual desire to have one lover who is also the one they love. It's not denying anyone anything, and it is a true love, one that magnifies the experience of intimacy. There are many thoughts and paths in this world. My partner and I choose to walk this one as it is the best one for us. Others may choose other paths. But to those that don't want an open relationship, they need to know that yes, that's normal too.

[cliffordmontero]

Twyla, I sort of agree with you, but then again not really. Everyone has rules and expectations in a relationship, and depending on how restricting they are they can feel like a cage . . . sometimes if there is enough love and affection there someone can be perfectly content in the cage . . . but if one isn't getting that you can become restless . . . it all depends on the animal, the cage, and the animal handler i suppose

[Long Duck Dong]

Twyla, I sort of agree with you, but then again not really. Everyone has rules and expectations in a relationship, and depending on how restricting they are they can feel like a cage . . . sometimes if there is enough love and affection there someone can be perfectly content in the cage . . . but if one isn't getting that you can become restless . . . it all depends on the animal, the cage, and the animal handler i suppose


what I do find interesting... is the way the issue is often viewed....and most times its the bi male, hetero female...and the hetero female is being unfair and not understanding

now what I really laugh at, is its extremely rare to see the bi male say they are being unfair with their requests to have other partners.... instead its their right as they are bi.......

however, if we see a male screwing around on a lady, our advice is often to kick the fucker out..... strange how when we are the fucker doing the screwing around.... we see it in a totally different light.....

just thought I would share that :tong:

[darkeyes]

Cuttin through the waffle.. they exist jus as much as monogamous str8 or gay men..or women of ne sexuality for that matta.. :)

[hardnbubbly]

The way I see it when rationalizing it is that who I am attracted to has nothing to do with monogamy. So whether I am bi, str8 or gay... if I find a partner I should stick with them. I am very lucky with my wife, and really don't wish for anything more.

However, my dick and emotions tell me otherwise. They tell me that my wife satisfies my urges towards other women while my urges towards men go unfulfilled. Maybe I am just finding excuses for myself. Maybe I am looking for someone to validate my urges and tell me they are legitimate. Either way not having an answer is confusing as hell. :).


what I do find interesting... is the way the issue is often viewed....and most times its the bi male, hetero female...and the hetero female is being unfair and not understanding

now what I really laugh at, is its extremely rare to see the bi male say they are being unfair with their requests to have other partners.... instead its their right as they are bi.......

however, if we see a male screwing around on a lady, our advice is often to kick the fucker out..... strange how when we are the fucker doing the screwing around.... we see it in a totally different light.....

just thought I would share that :tong:

[Long Duck Dong]

its cos there is no clear answer......lol

who you are attracted to and what your cock and emotions crave, are two different things.... something I understand very very well....
extra partners in relationships is a question that can divide the community....and it does as you have many varied points of view from many people

your urges as a bisexual, are not less real than your love for your partner, the urges are genuine.... its how you deal with them... that is the key
and why many of us suggest talking with ya partner... cos they may surprise you and give permission, ask to be involved, or even bless the relationship with their own bisexual desires.....
and yeah, they may go the other way and say no.....

any choice you make, is a differcult one... and there is no *right* and * wrong * ones... just choices with consequences..... and outcomes that can be good or bad.....

I have noticed that people are refering to be caged by a partner.... and thats not really a good way to put it... as it is implying that you are locked into a relationship on their terms.....when in fact, they gave up their freedom as a single person as well, to be in the relationship so they are caged too.... by their own choices.....

I would use something like two birds in a nest, and one is saying I clipped my wings when we built the nest.... and the other is saying, I wish to continue to fly...... both birds should have the right to spread their wings...not one.... but it may mean a empty nest to return to....

[tenni]

"who you are attracted to and what your cock and emotions crave, are two different things."

As a bisexual man, this statement is not true for me. I am capable of being attracted to both genders at the same time. I am capable of feeling love for both genders at same time. If another bisexual man is not capable of this then they may want to make their statements more specific to their own form of bisexuality rather than writing such comments as a generalization that applies to all bisexual men.

[Long Duck Dong]

it was not a generalization.... I was replying to hardnbubbly, using their words...

[open2both]

Yes... I do!:bipride:

[hardnbubbly]

Yes... I do!:bipride:

lol... open2both... are you the only monogamous bi you met? :)

[cliffordmontero]

I think some of what I said about the cage thing is either being misinterpreted or misconstrued. Earlier I said:

Everyone has rules and expectations in a relationship, and depending on how restricting they are they can feel like a cage . . . sometimes if there is enough love and affection there someone can be perfectly content in the cage . . . but if one isn't getting that you can become restless . . . it all depends on the animal, the cage, and the animal handler i suppose

Now, I know the thread is specifically asking about bi, monogamous men, but I feel the analogy is applicable to any part of the relationship where two partners disagree. A partners beliefs and expectations of you can be, or at least feel, limiting. It might not be anything sexual at all that might feel restricting. Maybe they don't like a specific friend or activity that you do so you feel you cant include them that time. Perhaps you feel guilt you cant share that part of your life with them. Then you might stop being around that person or doing that activity, or at least limit the time you spend.

Just because you have permission to do something doesn't mean you have to do it. Just because your are forbidden to do something doesn't mean you can't do it. Even if you are able to openly talk and agree to terms on any issue you and a partner disagree on does not mean you will follow their wishes. Ultimately its up to you to do what is right by your partner.

But as far as being monogamous . . . bisexuality and promiscuity does not have to go hand in hand just like heterosexuality and monogamy don't. Anyone is capable of cheating, and anyone is capable of monogamy. Its just a matter of how much you care about things that makes the difference between the two.

[citystyleguy]

hell, yeah! ...and i'm one of them!

[Alaskan Couple]

........

Finally, in my own opinion, strict monogamy is born of a "clutching", "clinging", "fearful" form of love. It is when people are unwilling to let another person be free to live their life. It is fear of loss. But, it is also a "love" that cages the songbird - and for me that doesn't seem like real true love. This type of "love" often pushes the caged partner to "cheat" in order to try and fulfill some need....it is the cheating that destroys a relationship, not having a homosexual relationship.


Alaskan, thank you for pointing it out that is was your values you were discussing. I happen to disagree on a major point though. You define monogamy as a cage, but you refuse to see it's not one partner caging another, if there is a cage the two partners are locked inside by a mutual desire to have one lover who is also the one they love. It's not denying anyone anything, and it is a true love, one that magnifies the experience of intimacy. There are many thoughts and paths in this world. My partner and I choose to walk this one as it is the best one for us. Others may choose other paths. But to those that don't want an open relationship, they need to know that yes, that's normal too.

I felt is was important to be clear that everything I have said on this is born of my own values and beliefs. However, your post made me go back and read again what you quoted. I have re-posted the original statement above.

Upon review, I see that I have not used the correct wording. When I said that "...strict monogamy is born of a "clutching", "clinging", "fearful" form of love..." the word "is" implies that all monogamous relationships are like this. I do not hold that view at all. I should have used wording such as; ...strict monogamy is often born of a clutching, clinging, fearful form of love.

And this I believe is true. I myself, of my own choice and desire, have been strictly monogamous with my wife, and have never cheated on her in over 30 years of marriage. However, human sexuality does shift and change over time (as do many beliefs on a variety of issues). The mutual "strict monogamy" of ones youth may at some point become "like a cage". We have all known or read posts from married folks who say things like; "Oh, I can't tell my husband I am attracted to other women...he just wouldn't be able to accept that." In those cases I think it may be time for both partners to re-open the conversation regarding monogamy, human sexuality and love.

I hold to my earlier point that a lot of what we call love is often driven by selfish motivations. In other words; if one has true love for another and later finds out they have a hidden secret about being gay or bi, then that love cannot be eradicated simply because of the revelation. The person who is opening up and being truthful has not changed - they are simply tired of the lie....tired of the cage. If the one receiving the news can no longer love that person, then I say they never had true love at all...they had a conditional love that was only available under a strict set of criteria and rules - in other words; a selfish love.

For a variety of reasons - (such as religious beliefs, moral beliefs, fear of loss, etc.) - it may be impossible for the heterosexual partner to approve of the newly disclosed truth about their mate. And that is okay. But, I pose the question - would true love hold another person bound? Would it not instead desire only the very best life for the loved one? And if the two lives cannot be lived together because of some insurmountable core belief, should the two not perhaps realize that they have grown and matured along different paths and decide to walk separate?

But let me be clear on this, the true love also equally applies to the one who feels "caged". Perhaps the gay/lesbian/bi person must find it in their own heart to accept the beliefs (and restrictions) of the partner and decide that true love would require a sacrifice of their own personal fulfillment. Not because of some formal commitment made when they were 18 years old, but because of love. The true love one has for the other.

However, I believe that with openness, trust, education, and a sincere spirituality that seeks to walk in this world without doing harm to any other soul....with these key ingredients in place, then a loving couple can come to a good place for both. I think this would be called a sacrificial love. A love where the best interests of the other person are always put first. It often works out that when both have this kind of unselfish love, then fear turns to trust...and most likely some arrangement can be found that actually makes them both happier.

Hope that helps clarify - this is a complicated and multi-faceted thing to express in this limited format.

[Long Duck Dong]

often I question people and ask, if you know that you can not handle a marriage... why marry in the first place.... ?? .... you are entering into a situation of marriage and one on one companionship.... yet, seeking a situation akin to a open relationship / multi companions....

I have dysthimia which is a form of depression so I live a life full of restriction and limitations just by living....and so to me marriage is like a added prison ( legal guidelines / restrictions such as welfare payments, health care, taxes and family credits etc and thats not including the stresses of normal married life and in nz, you can not just up and divorce, you have a minimum 2 year separation period before you can file for divorce )

my bisexuality is similar to alaskan couple, its a two spirited way of being.... I am a male and female in the same body....I can be with a male and a female, platonically or more....

now if you combine the dysthimia with the bisexuality.... you have hell on earth.... I become torn between my love for 2 people, with my sense of loyalty and respect and love..... my desire to lay with one person in my arms and hold them and tell them i love them.... and the knowledge that another seeks the same from me....

now the dysthimia while being a mental illness is similar to the issues that a normal couple can face with the idea of being caged or smothered....
and it brings me to the point that if I was to remove the bisexuality totally from my existence... that I am still not a person that fares well in a marriage,... and I do believe that is a aspect in many people that is not acknowledged that much

unfortunately,... that is what happens a lot.... people that are not able to handle marriage.... get married.... and they need the * out * aspect to survive in the marriage.... and we have the people that are marrying types that need the security and safety of the marriage in order to survive in the marriage.....
and they marry each other...... and that is mainly what leads to a marriage breakdown and divorce..... simply a inability to live within the marriage or deal with the lack of security or safety that people perceive to be a part of marriage

from that, we can add the other reasons, such as sexuality, the 7 year itch, personal issues etc etc etc.....

[clovermoon]

I am one.

[Miehm]

Cogito Ergo Sum. I love my wife very much, and have never been with another person since I met her.

[robert01]

im sure this has been stated elsewhere in one of the replies but here is my :2cents:

monogamy is a moral value that is taught through parenting in life experience.

anyways. to answer your question. Me.