Need to know

[ready5858]

What I would really like to know is, how do I tell or let certain people know that I am bisexual without sounding desperate or self centered and also keep it quiet from close friends and family.
I don't have a problem talking to my gay friends and some females about my desires. Sometimes I want to just hang a sign on my back that says "I bi and love it"
Any input??

[MarieDelta]

Just be you. Let people know as it seems appropriate, if asked dont deny that you are bisexual.

You might check out the "Bi Visibility" thread. It seems to be more of an issue for men, than women, from what I am seeing.

[FalconAngel]

I have to second what MarieDelta said, with one minor addendum; Don't deny it, if people ask, unless it would be inappropriate/unsafe to admit it.

There are some people out there that have no need to know, nor should they ask.

Don't go out of your way to hide it, but don't go out of your way to advertise it, either.

Eventually, you will find the middle ground that suits you best. And be on the lookout for the opportunities that let potential partners that are around you know that you are there. They may not realize it, sometimes.

Oh yeah. Do have fun.

[citystyleguy]

...i am pretty much in line with the other posters here; just be yourself, which is to say it doesnt neet to be shouted from the rooftops, nor wearing a sign around your neck, but if there is a need to know, be honest about yourself. and it is for you to decide the who, what, and where that need should be satisfied! enjoy the good and great about what you are, there never is a need to think of it as anything less.

[dafydd]

...i am pretty much in line with the other posters here; just be yourself, which is to say it doesnt neet to be shouted from the rooftops, nor wearing a sign around your neck, but if there is a need to know, be honest about yourself. and it is for you to decide the who, what, and where that need should be satisfied! enjoy the good and great about what you are, there never is a need to think of it as anything less.

Depends how confident you are in handling any negative fallout. If super confident and totally ready to be who you are publicly then WHY NOT 'shout it from the rooftops'. Straight people proclaim their love like ringing church bells all the time: kissing in public, holding hands, suffusing film and television with stories of straight love, sex and relationships. Maybe you're not ready for that yet...so take it slowly like the other members said.

However bi-folk who are out and sorted shouldn't think twice about 'advertising' their sexuality. It's fantastic. Don't compromise who you are.
http://www.adayinhand.com.

I expect replies from people saying..."that's fair enough daffy but in my area....that's not possible etc." I understand that, but always measure caution with an understanding of what it could be like if you could REALLY be yourself. Oftentimes when people say 'don't advertise' or be a 'flag waver', it really means, don't make yourself too obvious, which I think comes deep down from a self-hating well of internalised bi/homophobia that I'm sure we all have...me included.

good luck

d:flag2:

[Long Duck Dong]

Depends how confident you are in handling any negative fallout. If super confident and totally ready to be who you are publicly then WHY NOT 'shout it from the rooftops'. Straight people proclaim their love like ringing church bells all the time: kissing in public, holding hands, suffusing film and television with stories of straight love, sex and relationships. Maybe you're not ready for that yet...so take it slowly like the other members said.

However bi-folk who are out and sorted shouldn't think twice about 'advertising' their sexuality. It's fantastic. Don't compromise who you are.
http://www.adayinhand.com.

I expect replies from people saying..."that's fair enough daffy but in my area....that's not possible etc." I understand that, but always measure caution with an understanding of what it could be like if you could REALLY be yourself. Oftentimes when people say 'don't advertise' or be a 'flag waver', it really means, don't make yourself too obvious, which I think comes deep down from a self-hating well of internalised bi/homophobia that I'm sure we all have...me included.

good luck

d:flag2:

even in a place where its not possible to be openly out and visible with your affections for another.... there is a way to look at it..... just cos you are not married to a person, doesn't mean you do not love them....

there are many reasons why people may not be visually out.... for some its fear of safety, others worry about who may see and what may be said etc.... and some just are not * touchy, feelly *

personally. I wish everybody luck with being out visually.... and be well and safe.... just bear in mind... that we are like the rest of humanity... we, like them can be the victims of random crimes.... and its not always cos of our sexuality,... its just that we are in the wrong place at the wrong time....
and most muggers are eyeing up the bulge in ya back pant... not the bulge in front

[brutal_priestess]

I expect replies from people saying..."that's fair enough daffy but in my area....that's not possible etc." I understand that, but always measure caution with an understanding of what it could be like if you could REALLY be yourself. Oftentimes when people say 'don't advertise' or be a 'flag waver', it really means, don't make yourself too obvious, which I think comes deep down from a self-hating well of internalised bi/homophobia that I'm sure we all have...me included.


I don't believe the desire not to advertise or be a flag waver necessarily equates shame. Simply put, as I've grown older, I feel less and less the need to broadcast my sexuality. I would encourage any bisexual to tell those close to them their nature but strangers, unless they're strangers you might be interested in sexually or romantically, need not know. It's none of their business unless they ask, and quite frankly if they seem to be trying to pick a fight or make you feel ashamed you should feel no obligation to expose such a personal part of your life to them. You can't change minds unless they're pliant, and few and far between are pliant in regards to the subject of bisexuality.

[tenni]

I agree with both Marie and brutal_priestess
I think that this is more of an issue for bimen than biwomen like Marie states. Why would a guy who wants to get to know a woman a bit more blurt out that he is bi if the chances are more than 50% that the woman will shut him down for being bi(but they will think gay)? I don't know the odds but it seems that a man will think oh...kewl much more readily if a woman says that she is bi than the reverse disclosure. It could be just being a guy makes me think this way but yep Marie has a point.

As brutal_priestess states there is no reason to advertise or be a flag waver if you have nothing to gain and perhaps something to lose. If you come on to another guy and he is straight make sure that you protect yourself from getting a smack in the mouth is another reality for a biguy but much less for a biwoman..dunno but I just suspect that might be the way it would differ.

Give yourself some time to get to know the other person whether they are a man or woman. If you are only interested in them for business or casual social reasons, your sexuality is your business and not their business.

I just re read the OP. If you think that it is worth telling someone that you are bi, wouldn't you have to decide what it is that you expect to get from such a disclosure? I've noticed that physical body language tells a lot. I've noticed that if a guy is interested in me that he tends to walk closer to me. (sometimes to the point of bumping into me). I suppose the reverse might work..if you are interested explore entering his personal space just a wee bit. Watch for his reaction. Eventually, if it seems positive, somewhere along a line casually mentioning that you are bi might work?



I don't believe the desire not to advertise or be a flag waver necessarily equates shame. Simply put, as I've grown older, I feel less and less the need to broadcast my sexuality. I would encourage any bisexual to tell those close to them their nature but strangers, unless they're strangers you might be interested in sexually or romantically, need not know. It's none of their business unless they ask, and quite frankly if they seem to be trying to pick a fight or make you feel ashamed you should feel no obligation to expose such a personal part of your life to them. You can't change minds unless they're pliant, and few and far between are pliant in regards to the subject of bisexuality.

[ready5858]

Just be you. Let people know as it seems appropriate, if asked dont deny that you are bisexual.

You might check out the "Bi Visibility" thread. It seems to be more of an issue for men, than women, from what I am seeing.

All good advice I will read the thread

[fredtyg]

What I would really like to know is, how do I tell or let certain people know that I am bisexual

I'm curious what you mean by "certain people". From your profile I'd surmise you're looking for that certain someone to be a bi- partner with and that someone might be someone you don't know yet. You kind of want to advertise yourself- so to speak- without letting just anybody know.

That's kind of what I was doing for while myself, although I was kind of trying to out myself to as many people as possible while trying to keep a fair amount of others not knowing. In some ways I'd just as soon everybody did know, but I also realize it might not be a good idea if certain people know, for various reasons.

I've certainly told a few people, but mostly I just joined about every gay and bi club or web site I could find, especially local ones. I started out with an alias but worked myself up to giving enough info on my various profiles that anyone who knew me would probably recognize me by reading my profile info. The reason for that is that maybe some other bi or homo guy that knows me might recognize me from my profile info and realize I'm available.

I've yet to have anybody I didn't want to know approach me and tell me they saw my profile on a homo web site. I'm sure there are some nasty folks that cruise homo sites for bashing or outing purposes, but it hasn't happened to me yet.

On the down side, I keep hoping someone I know might approach me and tell me they saw my profile on gay.com and was interested in me. That hasn't happened yet, either.

I even put my photo up on a few sites but got nervous about that and removed it. I'm thinking of putting up another photo, though, as soon as I find a good one.

Another thing you might want to do, although some here seem to not have been happy with their results, is advertise yourself on Craigslist in the Male For Male personals. I would think the best bet would be to let it be known you're looking for a long term relationship (assuming that's what you want). That might keep some of the nutcases from responding.

*****
As an aside, if anybody noticed I've removed a fair amount of info on my profile here recently, I got a bit nervous about it. I got into a squabble with my wife's sister who revealed she knew of my bi- homosexuality (see, you never know who already knows).

I didn't expect her to do too much about it as I suspect she's lesbian, but she really seemed to have a hard- on for me and looked like she was trying to find any dirt she could on me. Figured it might be best if I laid low on the bi and homo sites for a while after that squabble.

[Alaskan Couple]

What I would really like to know is, how do I tell or let certain people know that I am bisexual without sounding desperate or self centered and also keep it quiet from close friends and family.
I don't have a problem talking to my gay friends and some females about my desires. Sometimes I want to just hang a sign on my back that says "I bi and love it"
Any input??

Kinda on the same theme that "fredtyg" ended on; you never know who will know.... Sounds like you have a need to be somewhat discreet, so just remember - The more people who know any secret - the greater the odds that the secret will be revealed.

I guess we all need to decide whether or not we really do need to keep our sexuality a secret...and... Why do we need to be secretive about who we really are? Is it shame or fear of safety or fear of rejection or what? Seems that until we "bi's" (like many gays/lesbians have done) come to the point where we are willing to face the consequences of the truth, then this question (and the dilemma it poses) will remain. In other words; I don't think you can be both open to a number of people and remain safely hidden.

In my own case, I think I am just unwilling to be truthful because so many friends and family would be "shocked" to find out the truth. So I guess that would fall under the being ashamed category (thankfully the one who really matters (my wife) does know). Truth is, for many of us, we have spent so many years living a "lie" in regards to our sexuality - that now it is hard to undo the web. So....for me anyway, it's just keep the details of my sexuality limited to a very short list of "need to know" people.

[ready5858]

Kinda on the same theme that "fredtyg" ended on; you never know who will know.... Sounds like you have a need to be somewhat discreet, so just remember - The more people who know any secret - the greater the odds that the secret will be revealed.

I guess we all need to decide whether or not we really do need to keep our sexuality a secret...and... Why do we need to be secretive about who we really are? Is it shame or fear of safety or fear of rejection or what? Seems that until we "bi's" (like many gays/lesbians have done) come to the point where we are willing to face the consequences of the truth, then this question (and the dilemma it poses) will remain. In other words; I don't think you can be both open to a number of people and remain safely hidden.

In my own case, I think I am just unwilling to be truthful because so many friends and family would be "shocked" to find out the truth. So I guess that would fall under the being ashamed category (thankfully the one who really matters (my wife) does know). Truth is, for many of us, we have spent so many years living a "lie" in regards to our sexuality - that now it is hard to undo the web. So....for me anyway, it's just keep the details of my sexuality limited to a very short list of "need to know" people.

Wow so much good advice and so much to think about. There has been situations when I see or meet someone that interest me and want to let them know. There are a few lesbians that I hang with and they know I had no problem telling them, one that tried to pimp for me (thats a story for another time).

[Lady_Passion]

I don't advertise being bi because over the years I've found a lot of women feel threatened, while a lot of men think it means I'm promiscuous.

As for comfort level, depends on the company present. When I danced, I could talk about to everyone I worked with because half or more of us were bi or gay. No other job I've been at would have been as openly accepting.

Family has no idea. They're mostly closeminded anyway, so why bother. Only one female friend knows because we used to dance together. In a social setting, again it depends on the company and level of discussion. However, if I know I'm never going to see a person again and they can't possibly impact me or mine negatively, I put it all out there just for the sake of fun conversation.

For fun a few weeks ago, I deliberately dropped a business card from Taboo Tabou, an adult store, on the desk of a hot lady who works at our gym. Instantly it was, "Oh, I go there too!..." and the fun begins.

There are numerous, equally subtle ways of opening doors to discussions you would like to make happen. Be creative and opportunistic :.)

[fredtyg]

For fun a few weeks ago, I deliberately dropped a business card from Taboo Tabou, an adult store, on the desk of a hot lady who works at our gym. Instantly it was, "Oh, I go there too!..." and the fun begins.


Neat idea. We need more ideas like that thrown out here. I know we've all popped an idea or two like that into other threads. Maybe we should start a thread specifically on how you've dropped hints before? Or did we already do that?

[ErosUrge]

It can take a while to determine what is best for you. When I first realized there was such a thing as being bi and a name given it was when David Bowie stepped up and made the announcement years ago. At that time, I was a huge fan as were many people. So it seemed like we finally had someone we could relate to about this. During the same period of time I was also reading "Stranger in a Strange Land" which also further fueled the whole acceptance of it for me. But then a few years after that, I became insecure about revealing my sexuality to so many as a result of the negative feedback and discomfort it seemed to cause some I knew. And also during that time I would go to the gay clubs and play with gay men but that whole scene and culture just simply turned me off as I just couldn't relate as a whole to it and they certainly didn't like the fact that I was interested so much in women.
So, I was in denial for many years until I realized that this was and is who I am and I didn't have to tell anyone if I didn't want to. But I did choose to open up about it to my closest friends feeling it to be a bit of a risk especially with my male friends who I wasn't sexual with at all and who are straight. Fortunately, there were no negative reactions and only acceptance of me. I can't tell my family because they simply would not nor would be willing to accept it with the exception of one member of my family only...and that's just fine. There's a lot of things they don't get.
It's nothing to worry about in my opinion. You simply go at the pace that is best for you and tell only those that you know or sense will understand and accept. But mostly find that place in you that accepts it. That is the most important acceptance of all.