Do you tell a casual lover - and when???

[rumple4skin]

I love this site and the people on it. I have never started a thread here so this will be my first.
I have been asking myself when should I tell a female lover that I am bisexual. If I thought it was going to lead to a serious relationship I would tell her even if I it was going to be a monogamous relationship. It is part of who I am and would want her to know.
My question is about when it is just a casual thing. I am not sure if I should tell her before we are intimate. I do not know if it is anyone’s business if we are just having some fun together or a “friend with benefits situation”. I do not have any ladies I am dating right now but figure it is better to think about it a bit before the situation comes up. I would like to hear other people’s perspective on this.
Thanks for reading this and thanks in advance to any who post a response,
Rumple

[allbimyself]

Rump,

Even a casual lover should be told before. You never know when a casual relationship will turn into more and how many heart breaking stories have we read of those that agonize over telling their mate or, when they do, it ruining the relationship?

Also, it's a nice failsafe. If I don't feel comfortable telling the person that I'm bi, maybe I shouldn't be having sex with them....

Allbi

[arana]

Rump,

Even a casual lover should be told before. You never know when a casual relationship will turn into more and how many heart breaking stories have we read of those that agonize over telling their mate or, when they do, it ruining the relationship?

Also, it's a nice failsafe. If I don't feel comfortable telling the person that I'm bi, maybe I shouldn't be having sex with them....

Allbi
How casual are we talking? I don't think someone you just pick up for a one nighter needs to know because you probably don't know them that well either. Not saying either of you are going to do that but you know there are those that do.
Personally, I agree, I think as you get to know someone enough that you want to have a deeper friendship and sex with, you should tell them. It's a lot harder to tell someone you've fallen in love with (look at all the posts) that you're bisexual.
Good luck to you rump and btw Congratulations on your first post!!!

[Mimi]

i agree with allbi. the other person deserves to know something that is this fundamental to who you are. i wouldn't tell them right off the bat, like the 1st date, but sometime between the 2nd and 5th dates, and before you get to "3rd base." and of course, before doing the deed with man or woman, casual or serious, you absolutely need to talk about safe sex, health status, STD history, etc.

i've also used my comfort level with the person as a way to gauge if/when i should tell them. i dated a guy once who told me on the 2nd date that he is catholic and doesn't believe in premarital sex. that told me RIGHT AWAY how conservative he was, and so that was our last date. i couldn't picture him being accepting of my sexuality, or being around my LGBT friends, or talking about other sex-related issues. if you don't think you could tell them, then don't waste your time with them.

mimi :flag3:

[WillowTree]

I think if there is any friendship at all to your relationship you should tell her. As it's been pointed out, deeper relationships can creep up when you least expect them to. Like Arana said, unless this is a one-nighter type of relationshp then I would go ahead and tell her.

[huneypot]

hey sweetie,

well I do think honesty is the best policy here

If I were the lady I would like to know.

If I were to become involved in a relationship with either sex I would like to know what their sexual preferences are and what their opinion on monogomy is b4 I jump into anything.

jus my :2cents: hun
love ya
Huney

[innaminka]

well I do think honesty is the best policy here



I agree with those sentiments - about 99%.
If a relationship has any chance of developing any further than a quick, satisfying but anonymous shag, there are certain things that need to come out in the open almost immediately.
-Probably bisexuality is one of those things.

That said, however - if your encounter will never be anything but a nice, quick anonymous shag - (and I have had a few of those - good for the soul: :bigrin: ) maybe neither of you really want to know anything more than first names and sexual cleanliness.

Really, like all things in life, the final decision is up to you and you alone.

[rumple4skin]

Thank you all for the replies. I was talking in terms of one nighters and also friends with benefits. I do try to take the high road when I am unsure. Better to err on the side of doing the right thing even if it means I may not get laid. :)
I had thought that it was no ones business if it was not a serious thing but something that happened in January made me reconsider this. I guess it is best to be up front with both. If I tell someone and she has a problem with it then it is best that I not share myself (or my body) with her. Now I will have to read the thread on how to tell a perspective partner. :) I think I will even share it with a one nighter but I have only had two of those and do not see myself having one anytime soon so that is probably a non issue. I know I am bi and do not have any doubts about it anymore so I know I would have to tell someone if there is the slightest chance that it would become an ongoing thing.
Thanks again for the replies and hope to see more.

[meteast husb]

i am not in a casual situation, but i have a little experience in someone bring up the subject. my wife and i have been married for almost 6 years. i was a little shocked when she expressed her desire to express her bi-curious side. it caused a few problems, but she brought it up in the best way. we have a time when i come home from work and we talk. she just let me have it. it is best to find a time when you talk on a regular basis and not anything like on the phone.

good luck

[meteast chick]

okay, i'll put my :2cents: on this one, especially since my husb decided to.

What's the point in telling one-nighters? I see none. I'd say if you meet someone and feel that the relationship might be going somewhere, absolutely tell them.

Despite the fact that my husb felt it was a 'shock' by telling him, I had never hidden from him the fact that I was attracted to other women. We had discussed it before in casual conversations, sometimes even joking about the fact that we found the same woman on tv sexy, but I suppose because we were just starting our relationship and were so in lust with each other that it just wasn't taken very seriously. In a way I suppose I'm trying to justify this because of my husbands comments. This just goes to show you how 2 people can view the same thing VERY differently.

Food for thought,
luv and kisses,
meteast

[ambi53mm]

My question is about when it is just a casual thing. I am not sure if I should tell her before we are intimate. I do not know if it is anyone’s business if we are just having some fun together or a “friend with benefits situation”.
Rumple

Hi Rumple,

Great question for a thread. :)
:2cents: There is no doubt that there exists a double standard towards bi males, both in and outside of the “swing lifestyle” if this is what you’re referring to as “friends with benefits”. One site we belong to has a section that’s filled out in a profile that asks for sexual preference. Straight, bi curious, passive bi, social bi, bisexual, gay, and last of all the use of ….*… to indicate no preference. Because of the nature of what we engage in casual sex/friends with benefits” We choose to use the …*…but will put something in our profile to indicate that we are hetro-flexible or bi-friendly and open to anything as long as it’s consensual and free of pain. We don’t see it as being deceptive but for the purposes of just casual sex we choose not to be all revealing. By the same token, we don’t reveal much or anything personal like where we live, what we do for a living, family situations etc. Most of the people we have met are more interested in the benefits than the friendships to begin with. When and if a relationship does start to take on a deeper level, then in a casual way we begin to feel out attitudes, beliefs, etc. about bisexuality.
People usually are straightforward about what they feel in regard to sexual preference without us unnecessarily “outing” ourselves. If the attitude is negative then we see no need to continue and will usually bow out before hand. If the attitude is open or more positive, then we may choose to reveal more of ourselves. Our original purpose for coming to this site was to find like-minded people who were bisexual because of the narrow mindedness we were encountering on other sites. This site offers personal adds and what better place to find bi playmates than a bi community. This site has come to mean more to us in the last few months and although we still hold out hope for “friends with benefits”. It’s no longer the sole or most important reason we continue to come here.
Having enjoyed many of your posts over the last few months what you reveal about yourself has more of an impact than your sexual preferences. I would hope that part of you would be seen first and foremost, in any friendship that extends beyond casual sex. The more I come here the more comfortable I become with that part of myself that I refer to as “being bisexual”. The more comfortable I become, the more necessary it becomes, to choose those I allow into my circle that will enhance my growth.

Ambi :)

[red_riding_hood_27]

Okay as a str8 person and wife. If they are a fuck buddy no you don't have to tell them unless you want to. If that is all they are is someone you get together hang out and fuck then what the hell business is theirs. However if it is a person is a friend that you are considering getting a little more serious with. Please by all means be upfront. Let that person decide for themself if that is okay with them. I have all ways wished he was more upfront with me maybe things might have been different in our relationship.

Okay my :2cents: .

Angela

[Tx46M]

I only thought about it when my lovers (female) brought it up, and since they were all at least bi-curious...what the heck! In my case I would probably decline to jeopardize a future (female) relationship by sharing details of the one & only safe mm encounter I have had. If I was going to marry (way way unlikely) somehow I would at least have to share that it had occured. :2cents:

[Mimi]

Originally Posted by rumple4skin
Thank you all for the replies. I was talking in terms of one nighters and also friends with benefits. I do try to take the high road when I am unsure. Better to err on the side of doing the right thing even if it means I may not get laid.

good for you, rumple, for taking the high road!! :color: i think you set a good example.

i might not tell a one-nighter, because i'll never see them again. but as for a "friend with benefits," if they're going to be my friend, then they should know. if they're not someone i can come out to, then they are not my friend. simple as that.

mimi :flag3:

[rupertbare]

((((((((((Rump))))))))))

Well!!! No longer a Thread starter virgin!!!! Well done mate!!!!
I remeber how nervous I was before posting one - think it may have been the one as the bombs were going off in London last July.

For someone you are sure is just a one-night stand - no, don't bother.

But if it seems likely that you will see the person again - yes, you must say up front and straight away.
Better to lose someone right away than become involved and then get dumped!!

I have friends who are good at one night stands, who have had a string of them, often adulterous.
For me - just two - and didn't work for me!!! Just left me feeling ashamed, used and, oddly, dirty.

But in any long lasting relationship - honesty from the word go mate.

And as a few of you know I have a major problem as a bi man - I don't like most men!!! Just can't relate to them!!! lol!!
But I do want to say here in public that Rump has become a very close and special friend to me over the last few months and that I love him for that friendship. He is wise and caring - not something I recognise in most men - although something a lot of the men here on-site share in common.

Rump - love yer mate!!!! ((((((()))))))))

Rupe :)

[rumple4skin]

Thanks again for all the replies.

And a special thanks to you Rupe - I value your friendship too mate - as far as me being wise LOL - not so sure about that - a wise ass yeah - but wise? - I am still working on that ;)

Rumple

[jamiehue]

I recently told a lover just that.We just started dating i too felt the need to be open and honest with him.He said he wouldnt have a relationship with a bi guy but the nite before i was mr wonderfull, I recently saw him with someone he really deserves....im so glad to be a part of this community parts of my other"family" are rather distant to me.Thankyoujamie

[Dream_Weaver]

I agree with Mimi, if you aren't comfortable with telling someone about your sexuality and whether or not they will be accepting of what is a part of you then they probably don't deserve to be with you.

[Driver 8]

Don't know about one-night stands, but certainly for anything more than that, I'd say tell them.

Being bisexual is one of those things, like being married, or being transgender, that a lot of people want to know about their partners - and get angry if they find out after they've had sex with them.

We can say "I wouldn't mind if I found out someone was bisexual," we can say "It's none of their business," we can say "They shouldn't be bothered" - but, let's face it, we know that plenty of folks out there will be bothered, and even more so if they find out after the fact.

So I'd say tell your friends-plus-benefits partners, at the very least, but, as always, that is merely my :2cents:

(and p.s.: of course I'm not saying being bi is the same as being married or transgender - just that they're all things that a lot of people want to know about their lovers)

[Newmexicanman]

Wow!! What a lot of amazing and thoughtful replies you have gotten! This forum is wonderful...

For me, anyway, telling anyone I am bisexual is highly risky. I live in a very small town deep in the bible belt of the USA. I also work in a position that would put my career in the deepest jeopardy. In other words, I have to be very very careful who knows my sexuality.

It seems to me that most in this forum live in regions that have many people and few risks of that nasty acquaintance cross-over effect. Funny that geography can affect what we say and how we relate to each other.

All that being said, you need to be as open as what feels right for you. Those internal "gut feeling" warnings should always e obeyed!