not sure if you can help

[confusedandscared]

I have several problems I won't bore you with details. Let's just say I have been in Australia for 10 years, I have three beautiful girls with my husband and we were happy til the fires.

After the fires and trying to survive my husband turned to drinking more and more in town with his friends. I found phone numbers on his phone for people I didn't know. He said they were old friends, I'm thinking how old? In 10 years of being here and 2 years of knowing him from afar he has never mentioned these names and they are of men and women.

So we had an argument this weekend and his mom had the girls. I confronted him about his drinking and going out on Friday, he told me he was drinking to forget his fantasy. He had apparently had a fantasy of me being taken by a female friend of his.

That argument didn't end well he took off that night and was gone the whole night. I sat at home trying to think about what was wrong with me that he couldn't just keep loving me for me without any other additions. Pity party over I got pissed. I was in a fine state when he got home Saturday morning and told him if he left that night to go drink he could expect me to pack and leave with the girls. He said he would stay home, told me he was sorry he hadn't meant to hurt me. He knew the girls were at his mom's and we were alone and would be til she brought them home Sunday night.

Day went normal, he was out taking care of the stock I was inside cleaning and cooking. Night was coming and I was afraid he wouldn't be able to stay, that he would be drawn again to town and drinking with his buddies.

We had a fine tea and sat there watching a movie and he began to fool around. Kissing, stroking and encouraging me to drink more wine. In hindsight I shouldn't have, wine goes straight to my head. Before I knew it the bottle was gone and the movie was ended and he was carrying me to the bed, kissing me the whole time. He whispered that he wanted to try something and asked if I trusted him. This man was my life of course I trusted him. I let him strip me and tie me with scarves to our four poster bed. Then he brought out this mask and said he wanted me to just feel.

Nervous I let him put it on and then about cried cause he was touching me so tenderly, I could feel his mouth on me and it was amazing. I felt weight on the bed and hands part my legs more and I knew he was going to lick me out. I was lost in the feelings and really enjoying the tongue until I felt long hair brush my thigh.

This was not my husband's mouth and I tried to struggle but it was feeling so right. I came and came hard and then I felt someone enter me. I didn't know who was who and I was scared to death.

I demanded to be let loose and I ripped the blindfold off to find my husband standing there with two of his "Friends". They were naked my husband was not.

I ran to the bathroom and locked the door, after throwing up I took a shower and found some dirty clothes to put on. I didn't even look at them when I came out, I got my car keys and drove to his mom's and told her what he had done.

He is begging me to come home that's he's sorry, but he betrayed my trust. I'm ready to file for divorce and sitting here thinking how in the world it felt so good when a woman was there. Does it make me bisexual? Where do I go from here?

[TwylaTwobits]

First... hugs just hugs. Hon, you were drunk, you were put in a situation you normally wouldn't be in and not to be too crude but there is a saying that when the lights are out a tongue is a tongue. You might have something you want to explore later but it doesn't make you a bisexual and in my eyes right now it makes you a victim. What he did is very possibly against the law as well. I can not answer your question about where do you go from here, I think counseling is definitely in order. I wish you the best of luck.

[confusedandscared]

I am going to get counseling but counseling for what? Rape? I feel violated. Someone who can answer why I enjoyed a female? Someone that can understand how much I hurt right now?

[TwylaTwobits]

Personally if I were you, I'd call the cops.

[confusedandscared]

I wanted to his mom begged me not to for now. I just want to know why he did that and why I liked til I realized.

[TwylaTwobits]

Okay bottom line, you enjoyed when you thought it was your husband, when you realized it wasn't and was a woman, you stopped enjoying. That means you are not bi. So go call the cops and get some counseling.

[confusedandscared]

Thank you for the advice, I guess I don't need to be here any longer since I'm not bisexual. Please pray for me though.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Girlfriend, it doesnt matter that it was a woman that made you cum so wonderfully hard, rape is rape no matter how prettily its colored. Besides, you didnt know that it was a woman mouth fucking you, all you knew is it felt good At The Time. Mainly because you thought it was your husband.

It doesnt make you Bi, it makes you tied and taken, and done so with out real or implied concent. Any court in the land will see it as such, too. Now how you choose to approach this is up to you, but in my book here's how it looks: I'm sure he wanted you to see how it Could be with other folks, but he Should have talked to you about it and not went about it the way he did. It was Wrong, and he Could go to jail, and them too.

Go with what your heart tells you, Honey.
Cat

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

No, thats not what we were meaning. Just becuz you arent Bi doesnt mean you cannot be here with us. What it does mean is that you can still be here if you like. We have several non-BI folks. What you are looking for is some validation on why you enjoyed her mouth so much. The only way you'll know if you truly liked it or not is to have a Real Bi encounter to see if you liked it with a woman. Bit I'm telling you now with you being drunk and in that situation, its going to be vastly different.
But do what ya gotta do..:}
Good luck to ya.
Cat

[TwylaTwobits]

No, thats not what we were meaning. Just becuz you arent Bi doesnt mean you cannot be here with us. What it does mean is that you can still be here if you like. We have several non-BI folks. What you are looking for is some validation on why you enjoyed her mouth so much. The only way you'll know if you truly liked it or not is to have a Real Bi encounter to see if you liked it with a woman. Bit I'm telling you now with you being drunk and in that situation, its going to be vastly different.
But do what ya gotta do..:}
Good luck to ya.
Cat

What she said :)

[Annika L]

I'm definitely with Twyla on the need for counseling.

Do not even begin to think about what this means about your sexuality...it means nothing...you made no choices here...that's the whole problem!

You need a counselor who can help you process being a victim and who can help you process your feelings for (and against) your husband...the rejection and then the betrayal...that's enough for a start. If after all that, you still feel the need to process your sexuality, then worry about that...but whatever it is, your sexuality doesn't affect your victim status, or the fear and violation you were subjected to.

Hugs and best wishes,
-- Annika

[Long Duck Dong]

dealing with unwanted sexual experiences (http://main.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2383)

that link is something I wrote for the site a few years ago......

I have done sexual issues counselling work for a number of years.... so that thread is written based around my experiences working in that field.....

I can not really offer any advice other than deal with each aspect seperately..... and the pieces of a orange, issue resolving guide in the thread will help you deal with each issue seperately.....

hugs

[Realist]

Confusedandscared, I think you are at the right place!

I doubt if you can find more helpful, understanding people, than these right here.

If you're in a remote location, getting counseling may not be available. And, if you do not have friends, with whom you can confide, this site may be the best you can do, right now.

You are in a bad situation and it's obvious that you are in turmoil. If you and your husband love each other, maybe you can work this situation out between you. Communication and listening, really is the key to getting all this resolved..............IF both parties are willing. However, I certainly would not allow the same thing to happen again.

As they say, "One screw-up is on me, but if there's gonna be a second one, it's on YOU!"

[confusedandscared]

Thank you all, I am still overwhelmed. My mother in law has been great to me and she confided last night that a long ago she'd been raped. She is appalled her son would do this but concerned about the kids.

I am not going to call the police right now, she's right, knowing their father did that to their mother would be devastating to three kids that are light years away from even thinking about sex.

I did call a lawyer and he called my husband. If he agrees to not fight the divorce or custody, I won't file a report. I am started counseling and trying to get in touch with my family in Dunedin, I love Australia but after this, it's time I went home.

[cnwdst]

Well said, Realist, Twyla, Long, Cherokee and Annika. As far as I'm concerned, stay with us as long as you like, confusedandscared:(:).

[bigbadmax]

I am so sorry that you have been placed in such a terrifying position.

BIG HUGS.

The majority of people on here are here because they want or have experienced same sex relations or are trying to understand their feeling during rough times...either themselves or their partners.

Even if there was a dimmest possibility of you wanting to experience same sex fun, then it should have been up to YOU when and if it occurrred.

You have been gravely treated both physically and mentally...he...in his misguided mind may have thought he was doing the right thing...but on something so intrisically personnal to you should have been discussed outright beforehand and not fuelled by any form of intoxicants.

My ex took me to meet a bi cpl a few years ago without telling me what we were doing....I felt betrayed but still had the chance to say no...and understand some of her reasoning behind it...but i had a choice...something you were denied.

Life is full of bad things.....most often it is ourselves to blame for wrong turns, however in this case you are not to blame in any form....you probably went/still are going through blaming yourself stage. but from my position blame is nothing that can be aportioned to you.

The only things you deserve are hugs, support and the love of your children and the rest of your close familly.

may your guardian spirit keep you safe from harm and fill you with happiness.

Phil

[Lady_Passion]

I would file a police report immediately, in part to support your divorce and also to make it a public record because if he did this to you he may very well do it again to someone else. "Ifs" are not your responsibility and obviously you have enough to cope with at the moment, but I'm putting that possibility out there because something happened with my 1st ex that I did not report and found myself down the road defending his second wife for the same thing. It still eats at me that I didn't report him - his second wife did and I wish I had had her courage and fortitude when he victimized me.

Children need not know about the police report unless it would be so public that it would be inevitable, though admittedly I have no idea what your circumstances are or what kind dilemmas that might present.

Definitely get the counseling. That IS rape. It does't matter that you enjoyed any part of it. Bringing strangers home to take advantage of you like that is SO SO SO wrong. Did you manage to find out the names of his friends? You may need to know that eventually.

Your husband also needs counseling if he will go. That is really, REALLy fucked up.

So sorry that happened to you. I would add though, that you seem to have a level head and I am positive you will do whats best for you. You certainly deserve that.

[**Peg**]

... I would file a police report immediately... That IS rape....So sorry that happened to you.

amen LP

stick around confusedandscared... we are a very helpful bunch, whatever our orientation.

[paddington]

Hi, this post made me sad,stirred a memory i've tired to block. i was in a relationship with a woman,i've posted about it/her before. i was having a affair with her and in so deep,she was putting a lot of pressure on me to leave my husband and family,she wanted me to divorce my husband and "marry" her.
things came to a head,i realised she was a very manipulative liar,she was very skilled in control. i broke the relationship off with her, told my husband EVERYTHING. He was wonderful and has been so forgiving and loving.
One particular time i'd agreed to talk to her, she was saying she was suicidal without me,(she also told me the doctor thought she had cancer at a different time). i agreed to go to a cafe with her for a cuppa, you drove through a small forrest to get to it,it was somewhere i'd been to before with her so i felt it'd be ok.
i'm a disabled person, i walk with a 3 wheeler walking aid. she put my aid in the boot of her estate car and off we went. we were almost at the cafe when she turned off into the forrest. i asked her where were we going? she said she wanted to talk without distractions. i did not agree to going to such an isolated place with her, i felt very trapped, if i'd just got out of the car i couldn't have walked without my walking aid to the road . in the end the only way out i felt i had was to do what she wanted for her, it made me gag. i thought i was going to be sick. i hadn't agreed to go with her for sex, i expected to be driven to the agreed place for a drink and to talk. i didn't go to the police,she said they wouldn't believe me because i got in her car.
Thank God i did tell my husband everything, she later went on trying to blackmail me into having sex with her threatening to tell my husband details,show him texts we'd shared etc if i wouldn't do what she wanted.
I've had ongoing problems with her. we reported her to the police more than once who told her off. she's very devious she knows she mustn't post things etc to me(she has sent allsorts in the post,we've changed tel &mobile no's more than once and changed email adresses.
People i trust tell me she is stalking/harrassing me. i feel my disability makes me more vunerable. she's very devious,she knows the line she mustn't cross or we will report her again. at the moment she's turning up in places i.e around my husbands works etc, she's trying for contact again.
Her latest attempts are being around places she knows i'll be in at set times,like dropping my husband at work. she's dressing herself up, waving and smiling at me, sometimes she'd flash her car headlights trying to get me to stop my car, which i won't do.
Being abused is horrible, even worse when it's someone you trusted or loved.
I think the other posts are right, you need to get someone to talk to, look after yourself for your sake and your children.
The issue of if you're bi can be delt with at a later date and even if you are you were still abused at that time. I've escaped her, but she's still pusuing me even if it's at a distance.
A big big hug, you're not alone.

tried to edit it, can't,i wanted the smiley face at the end for you. you'll be ok,hang on in there x