My boyfriend is BI...please help me understand...

[istillovehim]

Heyy guys, I new at this and was just after some advice.

So i started dating my best friend at beginning of last summer-he ddnt tell me he was bi until we wanted to make it official, he said he ddnt tell me coz he liked me soo much and ddnt want to scare me off.
Weve been going out for a year and a half but just recently weve had to take a step back as he is confussed as to what he want...so i said we should take a break from us as he can explore his feelings-i know i did the right thing by him but he is so scared: he admitted that he was scared if something happens and everything was gonna fit' but he was also scared because he doesnt want to loose me-he said that he wants a future with me and have a family with me...i said to him if that happens id still be here for him weve been friends for 10 years wasnt gonna throw that away.

I asked him one time if he thinks 'us' will ever happen again-he said he ddnt know as he doesnt know who he is? He is so ashamed of having these feelings n im scared coz if hes too ashamed n scared he will never explore-but he needs too... So what i wanted to ask was...am i being stupid for having a 'hope' and holding on...am i holding onto something that will never happen? i love him soo much, i just want whats best for him.

[DareMe]

Oh sweetie, I hope things work out.

I would suggest you look into how you feel about him, just him, and how you feel about him having an attraction for men and should you two proceed, how would you feel about living with a men who has affinity for other men?

If you know where you stand you will be in much better position to help him, either as a friend or perhaps more, should you decide to proceed as a couple.

I am certain it took a fair share of courage from his part to talk to you about it. That was the first step, know, you need to let thing decant a little.

I hope it works out.

DM

[csrakate]

The fact that he told you is a brave step on his part....and if you truly love him, give him time to figure out what he wants. He can have a sexual attraction to the same sex and still love and want you. The two of you need to decide what you can accept as a couple...whether he plans on acting on those feelings and whether you can accept that, whether he plans on being just with you and whether or not you can share his fantasies and allow him to talk about them. The main thing is to keep talking, keep the line of communication wide open and don't be afraid to share your fears and allow him to share his.

My best to you both.
Kate

[istillovehim]

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

I have no problem with him having attraction to other guys, i accepted him right from the beginning and i know if we do end up getting back together that he will never act on those feelings...for as long as he's explored them and if he decides it isnt for him than at least he'd have explored them...he'd be in a better position. If we do ever get back together when he hasnt explored his feelings i know id feel guilty coz i dont want him to 'settle' on what is perceived as the 'norm' in society.,
xx

[bigbadmax]

big hugs

I admire you both.

I admire his honesty for telling you he's bi,for wanting to protect you and keep you.

I admire you for still being with him during these hard times.

He has shown that he really cares for you by telling you...but at a time when he feels he can totally trust you..so that he wont loose you.

My only concern...which would definately have to be discussed, would be.....does he act on his bi side...does he do this with you/with your knowledge...or behind your back...or without you participating. only both of you can decide this together.

not much help but I think you will both have a future together.

May your guiding spirit keep you happy, healthy and wealthy.

Phil

[istillovehim]

Hey Phil :) thank you for your reply.

I was thinking seeing as we are not together enimore/break i think id be inappropriate for me to start talking about us as a couple. I wouldnt want to put that sort of pressure on him-i know its already hard for him to accept everything...

I want to ask him questions about his sexuality be there as a friend for him but i dont want to make him feel uncomfortable. so was gonna wait until he's ready to speak to me with whatever advice...i said to him im always be there for him if he wants to talk and he said im the first person he'll go to if he ever needs to talk.

When we decided to take time apart...i said id wait for him...i waited 8 years for us to get together...it just scares me to think we will never happen again but id rather have him in my life as a friend than not have him in my life at all, he's a big part of my life...xxx

[tenni]

Hi istillovehim
I read your first post and I'm unclear about a few things.
a/ Has he acted on his attraction to other men? (been with another guy)
If he has not, he is going to have to decide what he is going to do. From my perspective, I think that he should and will try it as it may only be a "sort of" attraction that he wants to keep at a fantasy level. Reality may not be exactly what he wants.

b/ If you have read some of the threads, you may or may not understand that bisexuals come in a wide range of attraction levels for same sex and how they decide to live their lives varies. He may need to explore what he is comfortable with. Some biguys develop emotional attachments to other men and some see it as a physical activity without emotions. Those that can develop an emotional attachment for same sex may also have emotional attachment to opposite sex, sometimes at the same time. The urge to be attracted to same sex also varies at different times for some biguys. For some it is an ebb and flow while for others it is constant to be attracted to opposite and same sex at the same time. Does he have any idea where he might fall in these areas? I suspect that he doesn't and that may be part of his confusion.

There are other aspects for him to explore. Whether he is comfortable discussing it with you is to be determined. You also may have some questions to consider. Would you be comfortable being in a relationship with him and have him being sexually involved with a man at the same time? Would you expect him to be monogomous with you only? There are others but these are big starter questions.

As far as you remaining a "friend" but not involved with him as a "couple" love relationship, well personally, I don't think that will work if he is bi. (maybe if he was gay but..) I think that you seem emotionally involved with him and the days of being a friend are over. If you remove all contact with him for a year or so, then you may be able to function as a friend. That is why I suggest that you have some questions to ask yourself. Using the word, "couple" is also telling but understandable.

[Falling Leaves]

Honesty between both of you is always the best thing.

Respect for each others feelings no matter what they are.

Talk about it together until you both find the answers you seek.

Coming here is a wonderful thing.

You will meet lot of people who have been....and are now....where you are.

Any question you have is important.

Those who have been there will share their experiences, feelings, and opinions with you.


I wish you peace on your journey....

J

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

I'm not sure what to tell you Darlin. Maybe taking this break is a good thing. Let him have an experiance or two, let him see who he is and learn to accept it thoroughly before deciding to settle down with you. And as Tenni said, are you prepared to let him indulge in his Bi side with or without you?
Being with a Bi partner can be a truly wonderful thing, hon. But he's going to have to know if you can, or cannot, handle this situation. Give him a bit of time, then sit down with him and find out where the two of you stand. Communication is the most important factor here. You said you waited 8 years for him...If you love him, start deciding what your next course of action should be...but never forego the communication. :}
Good luck Hon.
Cat

[dman82]

Im not sure of your ages, or how things are in the UK. My advice is for both of you to go to a local gay, lesbian, bi bar and get the "community" there.
If not old enough for the bars, then ask them if there is a support group for people comming to terms with themself. When I first realized I am bi, I was still in high school and told my school counclier who found the support group for me. I use the term support group as a broad term to include gay, les, bi community centers. But with the reading materials, i.e. books and magazines, other newly out people, as well as the staff involved, I have come to terms with how I feel.
I have had a couple of experiances before I found my wife, who loves and accepts me for being bi. Says I make an honest shopping partner. But she knows I will not do anything sexual with anyone else unless she lets me. And here recently with in the past year she has come to me with the fact that she is courious, just doesn't know if she would try.
My point being, with the right knowledge and community for the 2 of you together as friends will show him you mean it about support and love for him as a friend. Yes you can have love as a friend. If he is to scared to try the real deal right off the bat, see if he would like eased into it with the use of dildos. Just make sure to use lube also.
Granted like someone else said earlier there are many different levels and oppinions on things, and these are just mine. But have him join this site also, nobody here will bite unless you ask. And feel free to reach me if you want further on my opinion.

:three:

[TwylaTwobits]

First, welcome to the site. I know what it means to be close to someone and have them tell you that they are bi. My partner actually sent me here to look up a profile. I knew when I saw the pics. I wasn't too surprised because of things he had said in passing at times. But still knowing that the one you love is capable of not only loving you, but of loving a same sex partner can be a bit of a shock. The break will give you both time to sort your feelings and decide how you want to proceed. I'd recommend telling him about this site so he has the opportunity to get helpful advice as well. There are many, many people on here who are in relationships and there are many different ways to handle a relationship.

So look around, read the threads and the articles and see that his telling you that he was bisexual is not his way of pushing you away, but a way of sharing who he truly is.

I wish you both luck.

[mdcouple35_4fun]

Bravo to both of you. Him for his honesty and courage. You for your understanding. It took me 12 years to tell my wife (very recently.) And it wasn't easy...but she's the love of my life and my best friend, so I knew our life together was safe. I came upon a crossroads like your boyfriend has years ago and knew I wanted a life with my wife and no other. But I have been "battling" urges for a very long time and it was time to tell. Like a lot of the other responses you have gotten, I had a lot of decisions to make. But he may not be confused over what he wants....he may just not be able to make the decision without consulting you first. I say keep him close to you.

[FalconAngel]

I will not waste your time by repeating all of the excellent advice that so many others have given you.

I will, however suggest that your boyfriend/best friend come here and join this site. There are so many here that have been where he is and others who have been where you have.

So send him over and we can help both of you understand things from our unique perspectives.

Best of luck to both of you.

[DareMe]

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

I have no problem with him having attraction to other guys, i accepted him right from the beginning and i know if we do end up getting back together that he will never act on those feelings...for as long as he's explored them and if he decides it isnt for him than at least he'd have explored them...he'd be in a better position. If we do ever get back together when he hasnt explored his feelings i know id feel guilty coz i dont want him to 'settle' on what is perceived as the 'norm' in society.,
xx

well what if he does explore them, likes the feeling but also likes the feeling of being with you?

I know it's a tough one...sorry

((xoxo))

DM

[RobUK]

Just to offer another way of looking at it...

Lots of guys say they find attractive, say, blondes AND redheads. The girl can't be both, and, say the guy is in a relationship with a blonde girl. He isn't NECESSARILY going to cheat on her with a redheaded girl. He might, tho. It depends on the individual guy and the individual relationship....

Other people may disagree with me, and that's fine, I'm just giving you another way of seeing it.

Rob
;)