Keeping emotions out of it....no chance

[ahungertofill]

In the short time I have been on this site, I have tried to separate my relationship with my wife and the things I want to secretly enjoy with a man. You see, I am going to be sensible about thing whole thing. I only want to have one man to enjoy sexually. We will have a private and secretive relationship and continue to have our "normal" lives. Simply a little extra in our lives. Right...As I sift through the profiles and get to understand the people I contact a bit, I am drawn to a few that I think might be perfect fits for what I am looking for. As I do, I also realize they might be nice guys, just wanting a little private pampering just as I do.
I never tried to "rationalize" having a secret male lover, or tried to justify it. I know it is cheating on my wife and that is something that I need to accept. I have also realized now, that if I do finally meet a man and awe become secret sexual friends, in time I would have an emotional bond with him. I DO NOT want a love thing with a man.....but I know in time, as we share intimacy times sexually, emotionally we would build a relationship. That is the part I need to look at. No matter how I try...I know I will not be able to "just have sex" with my friend. In time he would become my secret male lover and we would care about each other. I feel more meesed up than ever now!
Shawn

[networktech]

Many of times I have thought of this situation before. I too, only want the "mvm" or single guy who I can trust to have discreet sex with. I love my wife so much, that I have really never jumped at the situation with a few people that have contacted me through this site. I have been with plenty of men before I got married, never have since then. It's been 15 years now, and I still crave being with a man. It's not the intimate part that I want, it's the sex. I love a female body, god they are so beautiful, but there is something about a nice hard penis. I have never "fell" for a guy before, never had strong feelings for a man either. But, as I get older, 43 now, it has crossed my mind. I don't think I will ever let myself get that far with another male, because damn, women are just so damn beautiful. I hope that you can work this issue out with yourself, all men must think about this at one time or another. There are a lot of good people on this site, some are plain just ignorant, but you can always find someone to just talk too, including me.......good luck

[mikey3000]

Shawn, you are right. There is no chance. You are not looking for just random sex, you are looking for more, a deep need that has to be filled. Just go with it. No one says that you can only love one person, and that one person must fulfil every emotional need you have. I think that is impossible. Remember that love is not finite. It is a renewable resource. There is lots of it around of you just let it come.:)

Good luck. And if you need to chat to a fellow Torontonian, I'm here.

[FalconAngel]

Start by being honest with your wife. It will, very likely be a rocky time, but stick with it, be understanding of her feelings and you will get through with a lot less trouble.

Tell her everything, pointing out that your reason for not taking action is your love for her and that you do not want to hurt her.

Work things out between you and you can come to a mutually acceptable compromise. Remember that any marriage is compromise. You both gave things up for that marriage, so compromising for this situation should be addressed no differently. But take it slow if there is any concern; work up to it if you are worried about her reaction.

If it is worth having, it is worth working towards. After all, you didn't just club her and take her to your marriage bed, you dated found out about each other. That isn't done overnight.

And once you are out to her, bring her here to go through the posts on the subjects that concern her the most.

Both of you will learn a lot from that.

[FalconAngel]

Shawn if you don't want what you call "a love thing with a man" why do you then say that over time you want him to be your secret male lover?

Cheating on your wife is not fair to her and you should tell her about your sexuality before you actually do cheat on her if you have not yet.

Most bisexual and gay men do not want to be a cheating guy's piece on the side. I do not and getting involved with a man who is married is a recipe for disaster.

He's never going to be fully available to you and his wife is always going to come first which she should.


Well said.

[tenni]

Hi Shawn
You have written your thoughts well. I do understand you position and perspective. There are extremist posters on this site who have a one size fits all attitude as far as how bi married men should live their life. Ignore their posts if it doesn't seem like the route that you wish to take.

As far as your search for finding another man who does not seek "romantic love" that you reserve for relating to a woman, I understand. You are seeking a relationship with another man that does not follow the stereotypical romantic love. There will be some form of respect and admiration between the two of you. In fact, it will be a form of affection that may be difficult to articulate. It is possible to have such a relationship with another man that you seek. It may not be easy but it is possible. Good luck with your search.

[biguy3113]

Hello, I am BI and married however I do not and will not cheat on my wife. She fully accepts who I am and has agreed that if I want a BF and she approves of him then I am allowed, also the fact she might be interested in playing too. I do find this to be quite challenging when trying to find a BF. It has been quite difficult and eveytime it seems like things are starting to go well something happens. I/we are still looking and one day we hope to fix what we are lookin for.

[FalconAngel]

Hello, I am BI and married however I do not and will not cheat on my wife. She fully accepts who I am and has agreed that if I want a BF and she approves of him then I am allowed, also the fact she might be interested in playing too. I do find this to be quite challenging when trying to find a BF. It has been quite difficult and eveytime it seems like things are starting to go well something happens. I/we are still looking and one day we hope to fix what we are lookin for.


Finding the right guy to play with, for both of you as a couple, is very difficult. My wife and I are in that position and we do sincerely sympathize with your dilemma.

Finding the right guy is the real trick, since there are a lot of fakers, both gay and straight, that will try to wiggle their way into your bed. When you find one that seems right, take it slow and be sure of where they stand.

Go out together as a trio in both straight and gay venues. That may be the best way to lead to the bedroom with the right one.

Watch how he behaves toward you and your wife during those events. is he too nervous in any of them?

Do they give you significantly more attention than her or visa versa?

Some of those could be signs. just be careful and watchful of the actions of being snookered into thinking that he is something that he isn't. The bedroom will, of course, be the final determinant, but it is not the universal tell.

Follow both of your instincts on it as well. If the "feel" is all wrong, then don't take it any further.

And avoid guys on the down low (cheaters). Their definition of discrete is normally a very real distance from what discrete really means.

[jem_is_bi]

I am not married and over 4 yrs, my relationship with my male partner has developed into much more than sex. Nevertheless, he has female needs that I cannot fulfill. So, I have no problem sharing him with a female even when he needs to keep me a secret from them. I know they can never satisfy his need for me.
Is he cheating on them or are they asking for more than necessary from him?
When, they push for more, he disengages from them knowing that I am always there for him. So, I hope you find a male lover like mine. But, I hope that someday, given your male needs, that you and your wife can have a relationship that is even better than between him and me.

[bigbadmax]

Hi there,

I agree with Falcon...be honest with your wife..

place yourself in her shoes(not litterally..unless it floats yer boat). How would you feel if she found out about any meats you may have,without telling her?

I too love my wife but would never cheat on her but tell her whats happening etc...maybe its because she is bi as well but we understand each others needs.

just my simple thought..hope it helps.

P

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Keeping emotions away from a lover isnt easy. I know from personal experiance. You cant just make love( or down right just fuck) without feeling Some kinds of human emotions. Not unless one is cold hearted to begin with and just treating someone like a piece of get off material....:(
Its gunna happen, hon. I feel affection and different emotions for every lover I have ever had, or have. Its human nature. But its up to all of us how deep we let these emotions go.
Good luck Hon and have fun. Be safe, but have a great deal of fun. :}
Cat