Coming out to Kids........

[onewhocares]

Hello Everyone,

Everyone has heard of the adage, “ a day late and a dollar short”? Well I was going to write to you all yesterday asking for advice but did not have time.

Bit of history. Bill and I have been married nearly 24 years and have a 15.5-year-old daughter Kendall. He has been out officially for two years to a few friends and family. We have wondered when the right time to tell our daughter would be. Many have said that you will know the right time, or your child will give you inkling. Our daughter is a very astute, independent thinking and bright young woman so we thought the time was approaching.

Yesterday when I picked Kendall up from rowing practice, I had told her that I had spent most of the day thinking about the appointment I had with a new therapist the day before. I mentioned that I was really concerned because people said I have been really sad as of late and upset. I asked her when she thought I changed and she commented that I became sad when dad “changed” (he closed his businesses, got a new job, lost about 140 pounds and shaved his head) and that we, meaning she and I had to change to accommodate him. She also said that he was different. After some hesitation and stammering she said Mom…if I went up to him sitting at a bar, I would never think he was a man who had a wife and a daughter…I would think he is a gay man. Just moments before this statement she commented that she and I were rather perceptive women. So I said, “ Kendall you really are an amazing young lady, very innately perceptive.

Last night when Bill and I were lying in bed I told him of my conversation with Kendall and said that we really should think about telling her he was gay. We both picked her up at practice tonight and then went to dinner in Providence. At dinner we ran into friends who were having dinner with their daughter, the lesbian partner of the restaurant owner. Comments were made when the parents came over how happy their daughter looked and how happy they were that she has finally come to be the person she was meant to be.

We had dinner and when dessert was ordered, Bill said that he (we) had something to talk to Kendall about. He told her that he and I loved each other very much but her more than anything, and that we will are not going to change anything, but that he was gay. She made some gestures and said that she knows and nothing is going to change. Then gave her some background about the past five or so years and how we came to this site and others.

We spent the next hour or so sitting and talking and comparing notes. Kendall said to us that SHE is going to have to find us ALL nice men. You must understand that we are a rather progressive, open minded family who have lots of varied friends…gay, straight, Tran gendered and lesbians and we welcome all.

Came home, settling in for the night. Bill went to get a drink and went into the family room to talk to Kendall and she gave him a big hug and said, “ you will always be my daddy”. How great is that!!!

Here I was going to ask for your advice on telling your children and ours shows us what a wonderful daughter WE have. Good thing I am a bit slow to write to you folks.

Belle and Bill


Thanks to Alexandra and Craig, Tash and John, Beth and John and Mary Ann and Rick…You too are great parents…with even greater kids.

Tash and John…we still think Kendall and Nick would be a great pair.

[DuckiesDarling]

Awww Belle that is a wonderful story. I am so glad that Kendall is an amazing young woman and that more than anything tells me what awesome parents you and Bill are.

[Realist]

Belle, that is wonderful!

Kids, I think, of today are more able to accept things like that. I wish I had been able to talk to my parents, like your daughter does with you and Bill.

Congratulations for raising such an astute, intelligent and loving daughter.

She's a good reflection on you and your husband, too!

[RockGardener]

Belle, funny thing that this should happen right now. I came out to my almost 15 year old daughter about three weeks ago.

We have always had open conversations about gay and trans issues. She knows I have friends of every orientation. She has known for some time that I talked constantly to someone named Marie. She has also known for some time that I hang out on this site, though we never acknowledged it until recently.

After I visted Marie, and I knew I wanted to move here and make a life with my dear, I knew I had to come clean to my mini-me.

I had already begun to pack even though I didn't know when I would actually move. Her and I were laying on my bed talking and I told her that I was sure that I wanted to move to Colorado, that I would live with Marie, and that Marie is very, very special to me. The next day I was on this site again and was trying to close it. My computer was running slow and wasn't closing. She asked what site I was on and I told her she already knew, and she said yes, she did.

So I did not say "I am bisexual, and Marie is my lover", but she knows both of these things are true.

To the best of my knowledge, she has not told any of her friends, but I don't know that for a fact. Her father, my ex-husband, knows and has known for years, and knows exactly why I moved here.

By the way, I have not come out to my ten year old son or my parents and I don't think I will anytime soon. I will have to eventually, if they want to come for a visit.... But hopefully, that is a long way off.

[Doggie_Wood]

Belle, funny thing that this should happen right now. I came out to my almost 15 year old daughter about three weeks ago.

We have always had open conversations about gay and trans issues. She knows I have friends of every orientation. She has known for some time that I talked constantly to someone named Marie. She has also known for some time that I hang out on this site, though we never acknowledged it until recently.

After I visted Marie, and I knew I wanted to move here and make a life with my dear, I knew I had to come clean to my mini-me.

I had already begun to pack even though I didn't know when I would actually move. Her and I were laying on my bed talking and I told her that I was sure that I wanted to move to Colorado, that I would live with Marie, and that Marie is very, very special to me. The next day I was on this site again and was trying to close it. My computer was running slow and wasn't closing. She asked what site I was on and I told her she already knew, and she said yes, she did.

So I did not say "I am bisexual, and Marie is my lover", but she knows both of these things are true.

To the best of my knowledge, she has not told any of her friends, but I don't know that for a fact. Her father, my ex-husband, knows and has known for years, and knows exactly why I moved here.

By the way, I have not come out to my ten year old son or my parents and I don't think I will anytime soon. I will have to eventually, if they want to come for a visit.... But hopefully, that is a long way off.

And I will see you two in a couple of months (say October?)

Love ya both,

Doggie :doggie:

keep the middle of the bed warm! :tongue:

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

I'll bet she's beautiful body, mind, and soul just like her Mommy is, Miss Belle. ;)
PS Ki here says "Kissie kissie" lol
Cat

[**Peg**]

Belle :)

I'm sure your daughter knew a long time ago, as did the parents of a friend of mine who was agonizing about coming out to them. They already knew. Parents (and kids) are like that.

very happy for you all.

Peg

[littlerayofsunshine]

How wonderful Belle. I am so happy for you and your family. You have an amazing daughter, with a wonderful head on her shoulders and a heart of gold.


This very much touched me.

[spicycomboplatter]

Belle,
How amazing you all are to be on this journey of love and acceptance together, a model for us all. This may not be the only discussion you have, and there may be more feelings to come, but as you have done, you will take her lead and respect her heart, may it always be so.
Rachel

[darkeyes]

And I will see you two in a couple of months (say October?)

Love ya both,

Doggie :doggie:

keep the middle of the bed warm! :tongue:

Mucky sod...;):tong:

[darkeyes]

I'm really chuffed Belle.. I think it shows just how well kids raised in a compassionate and loving environment without the do's and don'ts of the outside world can accept and adjust very quickly to what in all too many other less fortunate and understanding families can be a very traumatic experience..

Siobhan's attitude since she knew about us was always very simple.. "Don't expect me to go with girls...." She was only 7 and certainly shows no sign of it and thats fine and dandy with us..:)

[jamieknyc]

Congratulations to both of you that it all went a smoothly as it did. Although I am not surprised that she had already figured it out herslef.

[Pasadenacpl2]

I'm very happy for you both. I hope that, when I can finally come out to my sons, it will be as great.

Pasa

[tenni]

Very interesting. You both seem to have done a wonderful job raising your daughter. She did seem to want this to become more open and was the initiator. Was it merely a co incidence that the conversation happened in this restaurant? (the conversation with the parents of the restaurant owner was a good opener)

[innaminka]

Children - especially girls are very perceptive - we as adult often don't give them credit for their ability to just know about things.

My daughters, when I came out to them about 18 months ago, told me they'd known, or at least had very strong suspicions about their mother for a few years before that.

They weren't concerned at my not coming out earlier as the also had the perception to know how soul-wrenching it would be for me: and it hadn't affected their or their father's life in any great way ... so "Cool, Mum."

[12voltman59]

Thanks for sharing this with us Belle--I am not surprised that Kendall already pretty much knew about her dad---she seems like a smart young lady--she has a great mom!!

You sure raised her well that she accepts her dad.

[jo69guy]

To add my two cents worth, I am SO HAPPY things went so well for all of you. You have a wonderful, loving family, and an exceptionally special daughter. Big Hugs for all of you!!!!!


Tom

[onewhocares]

A couple of things to add... Our daughter asked that we tell those friends and family who know about Bill that she now knows. She wants people to be able to have an open and honest discussion with her. She said that perhaps we should "each find a boyfriend"....but she gets to meet them and that we should find happiness in life if we do not stay together.

One reflection from my perspective. In the past, as with most teenagers there have been some awkward moments when it comes to talking about relationships, dating, the facts of life ,it can be a stumbling block. I know for Kendall and I there was a bit of a tense wall as she would try to brush the subject. Well all of a sudden, that wall has been broken down and we have been able to forge a new path. She really expresses herself with clarity and vision, without prejudice or harm.

I keep pinching myself to think....how did we get so lucky to have such an amazing young woman.

Belle

[firefighter38111]

[QUOTE=RockGardener;180626]Belle, funny thing that this should happen right now. I came out to my almost 15 year old daughter about three weeks ago.

So I did not say "I am bisexual, and Marie is my lover", but she knows both of these things are true.

To the best of my knowledge, she has not told any of her friends, but I don't know that for a fact. Her father, my ex-husband, knows and has known for years, and knows exactly why I moved here.

my reply:
If I could guess your Mensa by your replies and you are secure in who you are. Don’t get mad but I was looking at some of your previous posts and there was one I enjoyed the way you approached the subject material.
Your being sincere in allowing your daughter to know but most important was that her dad knew and he knew why you went to Colorado.
In my first marriage, I farmed and my wife was a teacher. We had 2 kids. We did not divorce because of abuse or sexual issues but we were $350,000 dollars in debt and that just broke her mentally. During the divorce, process I found out she had a female lover but it was after our split. We talked about it. I asked her if I made her that way. She said you cant make me anyway. Its from within. I asked her if that is why she liked me in panties and preferring me to be more feminine in bed. Her reply was, “Our sex life was hot but your still a male….and no I didn’t use you as cover for my hidden female agenda which only now I am comfortable with”
I was excited to see her happy and we hugged and kissed. She was worried I might use that in divorce court since our kids were 4 and 5. No way! she was their mom and we raised them with love. They are in their early twenties now and of course know. I let their mom decide the time she needed to tell them. They seemed ok but we raised them with love. My ex. Asked me once was I ever pissed about her with a female now and I smiled. Nope!. I have always been penis size conscious and I told her I am happier you met a female than a male. I would hate to think she left me 4.75 and thin for a huge one down the road.
I have been dealing with my sexuality over the last year and I went to my ex. I told her I think I may be bi and I at least want to try but I don’t know how to tell my wife. My ex. told me I probably should approach her with the issue. It’s a lot safer that way and plus its small town MS. Your wife has had bi episodes but not since your marriage. She suggested that I mention a swap with another couple. She knew a couple who were professionals in their jobs and were safe and discreet. I told her I would try and get the nerve to ask her.
I did and a month later, we all met and had fun n there was same sex stuff also. After they left we talked about it and decided to be honest with each other and have more times with the other couple. We had several and now we have had a few MMF,FFM and I have asked about a MM with the guy of the married couple and she was ok with it. I was so nervous but it went well.
The moral of this story is being honest and open with your significant other
Have a great day!!

[WntsAdvntr]

MAZELTOV.....

...... to Two Who (truly) Care! I'm sure this lifts a weight from your shoulders.

Belle....We'll have that Borscht at Zaftig's yet. Hopefully soon!

Wants Adventure

[bityme]

Why not just get a divorce? You'll both be happier, your daughter is fine with both of you getting a divorce, and it's going to eventually happen when your gay husband finds a steady male partner to date and wants to move on with his life like he should.

Why do I get the impression that a 15.5 year old young lady shows more understanding and compassion than some of the posters here?

L3st4t: It seems to me that OneWhoCares stated that she and her husband still love each other very much. Why should you be the one to make the determination that they should divorce and he should move on with his life. Perhaps their Idea of moving on is staying together in a open relationship and continuing to nurture their daughter in a loving, open home where love and tolerance go hand in hand.

OneWhoCares: I applaud you and your husband for having furnished a loving, open home where you taught your daughter tolerance, understanding and acceptance. I would certainly agree that it appears your young lady is perceptive. She evidences a refreshing maturity and I am sure that whatever the future brings, as a family you will continue to grow together. Best wishes to you.

[Trinity-Fl]

Hmmmm.... I met Sue on line in a "married bi-men" website. I asked what she was doing there and she said looking for a man for her husband.

Shortly thereafter, I moved in with them in September 1998. Come Thanksgiving and we hosted. Everyone is wondering who I am and what I'm doing there. (Someone thought I was "homeless" and had been taken in by them. :) A friend asked if she could change in my room. I told her that I didn't have a room of my own but she could change in our room.

One early morning a daughter home from school burst into the bedroom and said, "Hey, Mom, Dad ..... Charlie?" The three of us slept in the same bed almost every night for four years. Ocassionally Sue had to travel and that left us two guys sharing the bed. Those mornings were interesting.

Gradually, the whole family (including mine) knew that the three of us were a unit - we lived together, slept together, owned property together ("Trinity House") and supported each other financially. We attended family functions together and traveled together. One funny story was trying to convince a hotel manager in the Bahamas that we needed a king size bed and not two queens. We even replaced a small pickup with a full sized one so that the three of us could sit across the seat comfortably. (I hated sitting in the back seat when we went out.) Our first "group" purchase was a projection TV and we all paid a third. :)

One weekend night we were out at an "alternative lifestyle" club. After the show, one of the performers (still in drag) came to our able to say, "Hello." I said, "We're a threesome. We live together." He/she looked at us for a second and said, "That's so weird." This from a 6' guy dressed to the nines as a female impersonator.

We had those conversations with daughters (we have 4 betrween us.) One girl had some problems with it. The other three were quite understanding. (And since we're now a couple, the other one has come around.)

Sue's hubby was way more gay than we knew and finally he had to go live his life as a gay man. It was hard for all of us. Much like a divorce. We had been together for 4 years and they had been married for 24 years. (We have a grand-father clock I gave us for our first anniversary with a plaque that says, "25 years for you and 1 year for us."

So, we've been a couple for about 8 years. We have an occasional relationship with a bi guy. I doubt that we'll ever have the amount of intimacy we had before.

Looking back, I have to say that there were some nay-sayers who would not have let me get rid of most of my stuff and move in with a couple. They had the same sort of advice from conerned friends. It cost us all in several ways but I'm happy that I got to have the experience.

And that's why our nickname is "Trinity."

CC

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

lol Passes the can of Troll-Be-Gone to Miss Belle. :rolleyes:
If it aint broke, dont fix it, Girlfriend.
Hugs to you and your honey, and Miss Kendell too..
Cat

[bityme]

I'm not sugar coating or pretending that a marriage between a gay man and a straight woman is ever going to work or last like some people here are.

You're not living in reality if you think that a gay man is going to enjoy staying married to a woman when he could just find a male partner, be himself, and actually be happy than forcing himself to stay with his wife.

If you think otherwise you've been brainwashed by an ex gay group if you think that gay men will and should stay with their wives because they are legally married and may have a child together.

Marriages between bisexual men and straight women work but onewhocares did not marry a bisexual man.

Onewhocares and her husband can have all the love, compassion, and tolerance in the world but it is not going to help their marriage stay intact.

Eventually she and her husband are going to get a divorce and seperate.

I do not know of any gay man who actually wants to and does stay married to his straight wife after he comes out as a gay man while he lied to his wife for decades.

Onewhocares' husband is not going to find any man who wants to consider being his partner or even date him while he stays legally married and lives with his straight wife and daughter in a marriage of convenience for both of them.

Onewhocares' husband lives in a state where same gender marriage is completely legal and it's done. There is no reason at all for him to stay with his wife when he can move on with his life as a gay man and legally marry a man.

Sorry folks, but I just can't pass this one up.

L3st4t: You must really be adept with your crystal ball. You know just how the world should operate and can foretell the future. Therefore, your advice, based on your vast experience of having known everyone in the world and what works and doesn't work for each of us, just has to be the only game in town. You pretentious idiot.

It seems to me that Belle and Bill are doing just fine making their own decisions. They have been members for over 5 years, a slight bit longer than your 17 days. They have posted over 2,600 times, again, a few more than your 19 times. I have yet to see them talk about discontent in their marriage or wanting to break up. If you bothered to read their profile (unlike you, they actually have one) you would see that there is no desire to separate and, in fact, are looking for a poly relationship.

But, no, you have decided it won't work because you haven't met anyone who was gay and stayed married before. News Flash! Similar relationships do exist and can work. The fact that one hasn't hit you on the head is of no consequence. You are blinded by your own superior knowledge.

I think that Bell and Bill are a marvelous example of two loving individuals from whom we all can learn great lessons. Five years on the this site, still love each other and still share the same bed. That doesn't sound like a marriage of convenience to me. It sounds like two caring people who have worked out their different sexual desires because they learned there is more to life and relationships than just sex. I hope that one day you will learn the lesson of tolerance and acceptance that they live by.

[darkeyes]

Onewhocares' husband lives in a state where same gender marriage is completely legal and it's done. There is no reason at all for him to stay with his wife when he can move on with his life as a gay man and legally marry a man.

There apparently is to him.. sometimes we love for other reasons than the sexual...

[Zamaria]

I think that a marriage between a gay man and a straight woman could definately work. You don't have to be sexually attracted to someone to love them. Marriage is about love and companionship. Not sex. Traditionally, sex is a big part of marriage, but who says it has to be that way? Love is much more than sex. Sure, there would be some issues to work out, but all marriages have issues.