In this final post regarding acceptance of my sexuality, I take a look at the stages I went through to get to where I am today. [B]Stage 1: Curiosity[/B] My curiosity about the human body started around puberty, whilst most teenage boys we're interested in only one thing, I found myself interested in two. I thought it was a phase and once my hormones settled I'd be normal. It was this curiosity that led me to watch gay porn in my early twenties, however it was enjoyment and excitement that made me continue. I guess some who are curious watch gay porn and bow out, not I, I loved it. My fascination with my anus began as soon as I saw a man penetrate another on my computer monitor. I found it highly erotic and arousing to watch and I knew I wanted to experience both receiving and giving. This is still true today and it's why I believe I'm versatile. It would be a deal breaker to perform only one role. My curiosity grew and I started to notice men around me. I found myself not only drawn to cock, but also the male body, in particular toned, muscular or thin. To me, the male form is just as arousing as female, more at this stage in my life, but to a young man, this curiosity lead to fear. Fear that I was gay, fear that I would be found out. [B]Stage 2: Denial[/B] My denial was primarily caused out of fear. I was aroused by both cock and pussy but only one of those was deemed normal for men. I didn't want anyone to know. I had friends bullied at high school for being gay even though they weren't, it messed them up. Whilst my family are not religious I felt if I said "Mum, dad, I am bisexual, I love cock too" it would've been a huge disappointment to them and still would be today. Comments made over the years have illustrated this. I shudder to think what the response would've been had I been caught in bed naked with another male. I think my siblings would accept it as I think deep down they probably have their suspicions but the older generation will never. Not a chance. I went through stages of "why me?", "I'm not gay", "I don't like men", "I'm 100% straight", you name it, I went through it. I thought if I could cut these desires from my life, I would end up normal and they would be gone for good. [B]Stage 3: Suppression and Hiding[/B] I've hidden my true sexuality from people all my life and I'm very good at doing so but the wall is weakening. I am not saying I didn't have same sex thoughts and dreams over the years, I most certainly did, I never acted on them. I suppressed these and to the world, I was straight. I got so good at it I even believed it myself. From time to time I would slip up and thus begins a sub stage. [B]Stage 3a: Shame[/B] This stage can be called by many names, guilt, embarrassment, self-loathing but I refer to it as shame. Even when I didn't have control over the slip up as in a same sex dream, I still felt shame but more so when I masturbated to a same sex fantasy as I thought I had control over that when in reality, I didn't. The shame came from 1) enjoying it so much and 2) for not being straight. Shame is damaging so the quicker I could get through it the better so this lead to the next sub stage. [B]Stage 3b: Rationalisation[/B] I used every excuse I could think of to justify my same sex desires and experiences (which were all solo). I had to rationalise my actions otherwise I couldn't move passed hating myself and I hated myself a lot. The only way I could look at myself in the mirror was to promise myself (I even said it out aloud), "No more, this is the last time!" and I would then end up back in the Suppression and Hiding stage but I made promises I could not keep and it was a matter of time before I would end up back here. [B]Stage 4: Awakening[/B] What was required for me to end the Suppression and Hiding, Shame and Rationalisation phases was a catalyst. My catalyst as indicated throughout this series was a strong sexual attraction to another man and though I had experienced same sex attractions in the past, they weren't to this level. I would call these bromances, nothing more. I had never felt this level of attraction to a man before but strangely enough it wasn't confusing or shocking as deep down I knew it was possible. The attraction was so strong it cracked the cycle I was in. [B]Stage 5: Exploration[/B] This stage was rather fun and very pleasurable. Each solo expedition to the gay side had a level of shame associated with it after it was complete but I no longer tried to rationalise it and went straight to "that's enough, you've had your fun, no more". Fortunately my brain never listens to my mouth and vice versa. The one thing that helped was discovering edging. When I edge I masturbate for hours which means I'm horny for hours. The more horny I was the more boundaries I was prepared to push. I'm not going to get into detail on what I did over these months, perhaps a story for later date if people want to hear, but these expeditions and the shear pleasure and arousal I got from them were the reason why I finally accepted who I always have been. I loved it all, I wanted more. [B]Stage 6: Realisation[/B] Realisation is different from acceptance and the strange thing about this stage is the position in the order changes depending on acceptance. Once I accepted I was bisexual then the realisation stage moves up the list. The one comment I've heard/read time and time again once someone accepts their sexuality is "I've always known". For me, this is true so the realisation happened second, just after curiosity but due to the third stage, denial, which is overbearing and demanding, it doesn't get recognised to much later. Some may stop or get stuck on this stage for awhile not wanting to move on to acceptance, they realise but refuse to accept, but for me, I was quick to accept it once I made the realisation as same sex desires were not new to me. Denial had taken so much out of me over the years so I had no fight left and had to accept it, lock, cock and barrel. [B]Stage 7: Reflection[/B] With acceptance came reflection. Why didn't I see this earlier? There were many signs throughout my life, I should've seen it but I refused too accept what had literally been staring me in the face (especially after a session). I decided to write a website for my eyes only, complete with pictures, about my awakening, struggles, thoughts, explorations, realisations and desires. I also asked myself many questions, which are kept up to date regarding my sexuality, body, bisexual lifestyle, masturbation, sex and fantasies. Finally, I keep a diary of my bisexual progress on the website too. This may seem a bit weird, and some may say self-indulgent, but it has been very therapeutic and I would recommend it to anyone questioning their sexuality. It eroded any doubts and confirmed I made the right decision. Once I put everything in writing and in one place, everything finally made sense. It also serves as an outlet to express my sexuality in an otherwise straight life. I doubt I will need it once I come out but until then, I'm bisexual in my own story and that's enough, for now. [B]Stage 8: Comfort[/B] One of my other fears is that I would feel different, inferior but that couldn't be further from the truth. My homosexual side completes me and I actually needed it to feel normal. Yin and Yang. I love being bisexual and I would go as far to say I feel special, but in a good way. When I'm out walking, I walk safe in the knowledge that I'm bisexual so there's no more eyes down. I might not be out but I'm definitely proud. Sex is not just for procreation, it's also for pleasure and if men can also provide that pleasure then I count myself lucky. It's truly the best of both worlds and with comfort comes expression. [B]Stage 9: Expression[/B] I'm not quite comfortable to come out or take a chance and be found out... yet, so when I signed up to this forum I did something I never could've done on Shy Bi Guys, I responded to posts. This allowed me to express my sexuality in a non-judgmental environment with fellow bisexuals who were either going through what I had or had been through it all. I grew comfortable over the first few months to the point that when I hit my two year [URL="https://www.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?18896-Two-year-bi-versary"]bi-versary[/URL] I did something I had never done before, posted a picture of my hard cock for men and women to see. This was a major step forward for me and I think I had to take it. I regretted it initially but have no regrets now and I'm glad I did it. With regards to self expression, I still masturbate, as if that was ever under question, but now I do so without any guilt or shame and I love it. It's apparent that the guilt and shame of my homosexual side was really affecting my pleasure so now I experience masturbation as god intended it to be, if there was a god. Finally, my new years resolution was to write about my experiences in the hopes it helps someone accept or start their bisexual journey. I wanted a way to give back to the bisexual community and I felt there was no better way than to share what I went through and say "It's OK to be BI". I don't regret for one second starting my journey, I just wished I had done it a lot sooner. It is indeed life changing, for the good, well it has been for me. [B]Stage 10: Regret[/B] I wished I had accepted my sexuality earlier as I suffered needlessly due to the guilt and shame over the years. Finally, remember you don't have to tell any one nor do you have to partake. You can continue to live an outwardly straight life and bisexual on the inside. Bisexual, Gay or any of the sexualities are not wrong and they're definitely not unnatural. It's nature and nature doesn't make mistakes. Good luck to those who are starting their journey!
[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]Which is why I'm writing this, that and to remind anyone who bothers to read this that being bisexual isn't always about the sex - it's very much about what goes on inside your head and regret is one of the things that tends to bother some people and something they tend to hold onto when it's in the best interest to just let any regrets go by the wayside... because you can't do shit about something you've already done or never happened. I blog about how a lot of people pay a lot of attention to what bisexuals do... but they don't pay much attention to why we do what we do... or why we don't do it; they don't wanna be bothered to know and understand what goes through a bisexual's mind about these things and the things that bother us that has nothing to do with sex at all. They say we don't think about what we do, that all we do as bi guys is drop our drawers and have sex when the truth is we do think about it and, yes, we do think that if we do a thing, we just might regret doing it... or maybe we won't. Many times, we won't do something because we just know it would be a very bad idea... and perhaps even regret making the decision to not do it - but the regret goes away when we realized that like it or not, we made the right decision for us in that moment and if it turns out that we didn't, well, that sucks... but there's nothing to be done for it so there's no point in dwelling on it. And if there's anyone here dealing with regrets of any kind, maybe it's time you stopped dwelling over them and beating yourself up over stuff that you really can't do anything about. No one likes to make mistakes and few people are really okay with missing opportunities just like few of us like deciding not to do something that, perhaps, we should have done. It's human nature for us to feel this way about how our sexuality affects our lives and the ways it can do that - but you don't have to let it fuck with you. This is one of those rare moments where telling yourself, "Yeah, but..." is an acceptable thing to say if regrets about being bi are fucking with you. It says you recognize the moment you're regretting did take place... but, there's nothing you can do about it or, after further review, you're actually glad that it happened... or it didn't happen and you just leave it alone after that since chances are good something else is going to come along that you will find reason to regret... And that whole "Ain't shit I could or couldn't have done about it" process just keeps rolling along and, importantly, I think, keeps your mind in a good and healthy place and also serves to keep guilt, denial, and self-loathing at bay. And I'm just the bi guy who will talk about these things because they need to be talked about.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]Over the decades, I've heard so many people express regret; they either regret having these feelings and, sometimes, acting on them and, curiously, expressing regret over not having taken the opportunities they were presented with "long ago" and I'd ask them why they'd feel regret, not to really be all up in their business but so I could understand what regret really was. Does it make sense to regret something that, most of the time, sounded like a good idea at the time... even if that good idea was to not do something? I had a friend who, "all late and wrong" told me that he had always wanted to have sex with me but could never get up the nerve to say anything. And I felt a moment of regret upon hearing this because I thought that, yeah, if he had mentioned it - or if I had picked up on all the hints he gave me that went right over my head - it would have been fun... or maybe it wouldn't have? And that thought alone made that moment of regret just go away because there was no point in feeling it over something that could have happened but didn't... but, yeah, I was kinda pissed with myself over not seeing all the hints he had given me when he pointed them all out. It happens. Like, all the bad experiences I've had - do I regret having experienced them? Yes... and no. For one, you still can't change what has already happened and, for another, if I hadn't had that bad experience, I wouldn't have learned anything and, indeed, every bad experience I've ever had has taught me something valuable so, no regrets. Didn't like experiencing them - who does? - but it taught me that this regret thing is only a problem when you allow it to become one.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]I even entertained the question - and one a lot of guys entertain - that if I could go back and do it all over again, would I do it or would I do the same things again. Some of this is about regret and while it can be... fun to think about it, one thing remains true: You can't undo it and it's really an unfair question because usually, when a guy thinks about this, they're not the same person they were at the time the initial event took place and looking at it later will almost always reveal that maybe ya shouldn't have done it or there were some things that could have been done differently and other stuff like that. After talking to my friend about regrets, I became... concerned. Lots of stuff I should have felt "real regret" over... and I didn't. Here I am and as an adult trying to go back in time and switch my very adult mind back to the younger version and now asking that younger version questions it wasn't thinking about... and if that sounds a little crazy, yeah - it is and I realized it. I don't have any regrets about the stuff I learned about sex and when I learned it any more than I have any regrets over who I learned them with. Sure - I'm human so, sure, I can say, "I wish I hadn't done that!" but the sentiment is always followed by, "But I did; it's over and done with and is there a point wishing that you hadn't done something that you did anyway?" Nope. Just like the many times I should have done something and I didn't; did I regret not doing it? I'd have to honestly say yes, I did - but. I didn't and that's that. Can't change it so there's no real point in making myself insane feeling some kind of way about not doing something that I probably should have done and, besides, if I didn't do it, there was probably a very good reason why I didn't. My older sister and I were talking one day and we got to talking about the sex we used to have and I even asked her, "Do you regret any of it?" Of course, she turned right around and asked me, "Do you?" and I said that I didn't regret one moment of it - but I was asking her. She said that she did regret it but not because it was so very evil for us to be having sex but regretted that she liked having sex with me so much but like I did, she said that it didn't change anything - we did it, she loved doing it, end of discussion. And I was okay with her assessment of things... even after we screwed one last time for old time's sake and even then I asked her if she felt any regret about what we'd just done and, to my surprise, she said she did... but her regret was that we had stopped having sex when we did even though we did for a damned good reason. She pointed out that almost exactly one week after we decided to stop, her boyfriend knocked her up - which I knew about that but I could see it from her point of view because chances were good that the day she conceived, shit, I could have been the one screwing her and, fuck, yeah - I probably wouldn't be here today to tell you about this. But this regret thing hung around in my head because I was running into a lot of guys and not a few girls who had lingering regrets over being bisexual and no matter how they wound up being bisexual.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]On my regular blog, I often write about the emotions of bisexuality like what I wrote here about guilt, denial, and self-loathing and today's offering is... regret. Like the other three, regret doesn't feel good and depending on why one is feeling it. Some have reason to regret doing something and some feel regret when they didn't do something when they had the chance to. Some can have great feelings of regret over who they did something with and to the point where it can be crippling since the more serious regrets tend to linger in one's mind and shaking them loose isn't always easy. And some regret getting hooked on sex with men and more so when it's not always that easy to satisfy such a powerful urge so, yeah, some regret that this has landed on them at all. As I say about many things, it's not that one feels regret over something - it's how you deal with it that ultimately matters and a lot of people don't deal with it well, you know, depending on what it is they're regretting. A guy I had met on the old MSN forum and I had opened an offline dialog with each other when we discovered that our beginning as a bisexual were eerily similar including how old we both were. We spent many hours talking to each other, comparing notes and all that when one day, he asked me if I had any regrets about any of it and it made me really stop and think because, until he asked the question, I never gave it any thought... that I was aware of and that's what I told him. He started telling me about all of his regrets and as I listened to them, yeah - were there things about this and even sex that I regretted but, eh, I just really didn't pay any attention to any feelings of regret? He was telling me how much he regretted screwing his brother because it was incest and I dug around inside my head and thought, well, yeah, at first, I was totally against his proposition that I screw him... but did it anyway and, nope, didn't feel bad about it but, of course, was very worried about us getting caught. Then I thought about the time we did get caught - did I regret it? And I realized that while I didn't like having gotten caught, I didn't regret it and probably because from the very first time, I figured that we might get caught and it eventually happened so, nah, not really a regret. He asked me if I regretted being home the day I got introduced to dick and that was a question I had always asked myself but in the form of, "If I hadn't screwed up and gotten grounded, I wouldn't have been at home when I got my first dick experience, right?" Well, yeah, I guess... but it didn't change the fact that I had gotten grounded so I was at home. Did I regret it? Maybe... but it didn't make sense for me to regret it since it had already happened and like so many things in this - anything - once you do it, it cannot ever be undone. You can even tell yourself, "Shit... I wish I hadn't done that..." and that's a form of regret... but you still can't change it.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[QUOTE=OpenBineapple;335800]My first time getting fucked was amazing. There were about 15 people in the room watching us. I was fucking a chick missionary while her husband plunged his thick 8” cock in my ass. Our audience was impressed.[/QUOTE]
[SIZE=3]Don’t get me wrong - many decades later, I still feel the guilt and the self-loathing but I just do not pay any attention to it because I know why I feel it and the reason why no longer makes any sense to me. Because it really doesn’t make any sense to deny what I am or to feel badly about it. I had some... advantages, though. I grew up with this; I was seriously curious as a child and I‘m not bragging or anything when I say that my intelligence was (and still is) quite high, something I know that gave my parents cause for concern. So I’m not really surprised that I figured this out and as early as I did... but that’s me. If I learned nothing else, I learned that it’s not easy to stop the guilt, denial, and self-loathing from showing up and just fucking with you and that it takes a tremendous effort of will to break away from the social conditioning I got - and that everyone gets - that dictates the way I should have sex and even have deeper feeling for beyond friendship. I was fucking my sister one day and feeling really bad about it; she picked up on it and asked me what was wrong and with my dick still buried in her pussy, I’m told her what was bothering me. She said, “I know - I feel that way, too, and we could get in serious trouble but as long as you don’t get me pregnant, well, it ain’t no big deal, is it? I want and need you to fuck me and I know you want to - so what are you worrying about? Now, get back to fucking me so I can cum...” And in that moment any guilt and self-loathing I had been feeling kinda went to a corner and stayed away except to remind me that I was wrong, not only now but any time I had sex in a way I shouldn’t. It still reminds me... and I still ignore it because I know that what it’s telling me is a carefully constructed lie and I’m not buying it and I’m it even gonna rent it. I’m not gonna feel guilty, hate myself, or deny that I feel the way I do just because I was told to feel this way. I’m a rebel of sorts, that guy who thumbs his nose at the rules because some rules are tailor-made to be ignored... like having sex with men. I don’t see the sense in denying that this is how I feel and I don’t see the sense in feeling guilty and hating myself. I can easily lie to other people about it, which is kinda fucked up but to lie to myself? To deny my same sex feelings and hating on myself because I have them? Not gonna happen. I love being bisexual and in every way that means; I love not playing by the rules being a rebel and knowing that while the rules have a real purpose, they’re still bullshit when it comes to sexual pleasure because the truth they don’t want anyone embracing is that you can have sex with anyone, male or female, and provided, of course, that they agree to have sex with you. I am not gonna feel guilty because I love having sex. Not ever gonna deny that I do and, once more, not gonna have any self-loathing knowing that I willingly and eagerly broke the rules. And if any of you are dealing with this - and I’m sure many of you are - ask yourself why and use your intelligence to find out why this shouldn’t be bothering you. That’s what I did; like they say it’s mind over matter and if you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. I have had sex with a man and turned around an hour later and have sex with a woman... and I do not feel guilty, ain’t denying anything, and sure as fuck it hating on myself about it. Am I amoral? Yeah, and I don’t deny it but there are some thing I will not do but, um, a whole lot of things I will do because it’s sex and I understand the way sex can be other than the way it’s supposed to be. So ask yourself why you feel the way you do and ask yourself if it really makes any sense - then, if you have the will, stop letting this stop you from accepting that you are, indeed, bisexual - and you’re not by yourself in this.[/SIZE][FONT=verdana][SIZE=3][/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]And I found out why and it would take me many more years to get to the bottom of it all but what became apparent to me - and please keep in mind that I figured this out before I was 13 - that the reason I’d feel guilt and hate myself was because I was told that I had to feel guilty and hate myself for not only having sex before I was supposed to but because I was having sex with boys, too. Then I learned to ignore the guilt and the self-loathing and even thinking that I shouldn’t be having sex like this since I sure as hell was doing it with boys. Couldn’t deny it, could I, even though something inside of me kept saying that I shouldn’t even want to think about this, let alone do it... and enjoy it. Its wrong and very, very nasty and even nastier when having sex with my brother. I knew it like I knew my own name but it still felt good and even felt right, not necessarily because it was my brother or even my sister or anyone else I was having sex with but because it’s sex... and we’re supposed to have sex... except as a boy, it’s supposed to be only with girls. Bullshit. I saw the truth about having sex and way before anyone else did and upon learning the truth, I was able to set aside the guilt and self-loathing.[/SIZE][/FONT]
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