All Blog Entries

So, I don't cruise, I don't generally do blow n go, and I generally don't do a one night stand. But a few days in a hotel, why not. I had an interaction in the hotel with a guy asking if I was an escort, I made some jokes and asked how much I was worth. Well, he felt bad and came down with some wine. After the first bottle and we were talking, one thing led to another.

I had asked him if he had ever been with a guy, as I thought he was hitting on me.
He said no, no way in hell, I am not gay..............hmmmmmm,, okay.
So I asked, but you were wondering if I was an escort, I kind of got the opinion you were interested.
He said yeah, a CD or Trans, but I don't do guys. I suggested he was Bi then ?

Nope he is 100% heterosexual, he just likes CD's and Trans

I didn't get the opinion he was homophobic or anything, but that he truly believed that there was some kind of magic that made me female when wearing a dress. Before you ask, yes, we did end up having sex. Honestly, it was very good. He was careful to only use female pro nouns, and every body part he called by a female name. Again,I dont think this was for my benefit, but his.

I put myself on grindr, just for fun, only met one person,but, I can tell you, I get a lot of texts or PM's or whatever you call it. I dont think its because I am so passable, I am not, and there are some seriously hot CD's on there, I mean wow. I think it's more of a gateway for some men.

They can still convince themselves they are not gay or BI, it's like a protection circuit for them.

I guess that makes me a gateway drug

But I do find it interesting how hard they work to consider themselves straight

The number 1 question I get asked, "How do you get clothes"
Number two question " How do you keep your life quiet"
Third questions always revolves around "Isnt this just a way for you tog et more sex"

Well, second question is easiest to answer, some people know, some don't. As I don't live my entire life crossdressed , there is not a need for the world to know my private life. I see this as no different than I don't know if my neighbors do it missionary or doggy style, not everything in life has to be shared with everyone.
As my car is in the garage, when I go out dressed, my windows are tinted, I just pull out, and my neighbors have no clue.
I keep my personal life seperate from work, so no issues there.
When I did live with others, I had a cabinet that was securely locked. I told everyone I secure my guns when not in use, which was true, but, there were clothes in there also.

Third question, "isnt this just a way to get more sex". Yes, in the beginning there was a highly sexual component to dressing, the arousal and naughty aspect. These days, yes, I do get more exciteable when dressed, but, it is also now a part of me and my personality, and the majority of the time when dressed en femme, I am not getting any, just lounging around the house. I know for many, it is all about sex, but, for others it's much more than that. When dressed it doesn't mean we are just looking for sex. Just like the rest of the world, we are all individuals

Now, as for the clothes. There are many ways to get clothing and still be highly discreet. Same with make up and other things. If you go online, there are actually size charts to help you know your female size. Now, the problem is, they are not 100% accurate, because men are built different, just a fact. When you measure your waist and hips there is a little wiggle room on getting the correct size................so, some trial and error.

The other issue many of us have, we see something that looks hot, and we see ourselves in it, then we try it on and huge disappointment. For us, it's a new feeling, genetic women have been dealing with it all their lives and understand how to work around it, so, be prepared to accept, you may not get to wear everything you want (depending on your desires). Although I have met some "ladies" that holy crap everything looks hot on them.

For me, i can wear a size 2 pants, but a 4 dress depending on the make.So how to get your clothes and make up easily without fear.

Well, for one thing, you can order online, download the walmart app, park in a designated spot and they bring it out to you. The negative, you don't get to walk around and touch and see things, the positive it removes the fear factor, I suggest ordering cheaper basic items at first to get a feel for the different cuts and way things fit.

Another one I have utilized is the WISH app, everything online shipped to your house. The problem is, it is usually very bad quality and you don't really save money with the shipping fees, but I have gotten some really cool stuff. the other negative, you sometimes wait 8 weeks.

Last easy one is Amazon, fast shipping, very discreet, no problems and easy returns...........but if you live with others, there is a chance they will open your package. Walmart is my favorite for the pricing and easy of getting things. I usually have a shopping list on my computer, then when ready hit purchase.

you would be surprised at the sexy stuff walmrt actually sells

And... I got caught. My brother and I had been getting it on and prior to our mom busting into our room, I'd been under him and feeling good and dreamy as he fucked me and more so when he unloaded his balls into me. We changed places and i was in him and it felt good and as it always did and... "What the hell are you doing?"

Oh, shit. I knew I was going to be beaten badly... and that never happened. I got a lecture about it that still stings when I think about it today. After I got reamed out for it? I had two thoughts: The first was that if she had busted in five minutes early, she would have caught him fucking me and the second was, even if she had, she still would have blamed me for it since I was the oldest and should know better. And I did... I just knew "better" than she did but something else occurred to me: I didn't get the horrible beating that I expected to get... because she knew and chose that moment to put a stop to it.

Which, um, didn't work. She went back to bed... and we went right back to having sex.

Sigh. Guys can be so... weird about getting dick. I understand their fears. Why they hesitate. How it can mess with their minds and in ways they may not be aware of. My brother had noticed it and mentioned it to me one day because a guy he had sex with was very weird about it. He asked why guys had to be so fucked up in the head over something they fucking knew they wanted to do and I told him that that the answer wasn't an easy one - but a lot of it is all about us not having sex like this and how forbidden it was. He just shrugged and said, "Whatever. Let me get that dick."

I'm fucking him and he says, "I fucking hate you... but I love it when we do this." I knew how he felt. It kinda didn't make sense but we both accepted it for what it was. Two days before his girlfriend murdered him, we'd had sex. It was as good as it'd always been. He had said, "You know, we've been doing this for a long time and there's no other dude I'd rather have sex with than doing it with you." It's... weird that the best memories I have of him are the ones where we were having a field day with each other. Finally understanding that, sure, we really did hate each other but by having sex, we did find a way to get along with each other and that was what had more importance. Immoral? Sure it was. So what?

Today, society is so fucked up in the head about boys being boys and the many ways they can be and it makes me scratch my head and wonder if they really understand what this is about... or, if it's really just us - as a whole - being very prudish about sex and how it can really be done and, yes, between men - and being gay doesn't have a damned thing to do with it. Some being very weird about how I learned all of what I know about this. Changing the minds of a lot of guys and showing them a truth that I learned so very long ago:

Nothing really wrong with getting some dick... because it's sex. Anything else is gravy. Many fears are unwarranted and imagined but many more are very real... but can be dealt with. The only safe sex is not having sex... and the only abnormal sex is not having sex at all. You learn to be smart about it and you learn not to fear it; you learn to be safe - that's what condoms are for. You learn to not let your fears make you foolish. Timid. Allow it to suppress that natural desire you feel to get some dick and to give it. Making it harder than it has to be. Letting the social bullshit fuck with your head when you should be paying more attention to what you know you want to do but keep finding reasons not to. I understand it because I grew up with it and in every way imaginable. With adults who knew better. With my friends and how we learned from each other. Yes, incest, too. Learning that as long as nothing went wrong - and you didn't get caught - it's just... sex with someone you care about or love or, yeah, you can't stand but when you're having sex with them, well, it's all good. Just boys being boys and being unafraid to be a boy.

All along the way, showing and teaching other guys what I know about this. Learning to understand their fears which was mostly about becoming gay more than anything else. Sucking them off and seeing that moment when they realize that they were afraid for no reason at all. Being told that I suck dick better than women do but that didn't matter to me as much as hearing them say, "It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be!" or "I don't know what I was afraid of..." and "I don't know why I didn't do this before now!"

And being able to understand why they didn't. Why they thought it was bad. What they were afraid of. Learned to better understand myself by helping them understand themselves and that sex, well, it's just sex. It can mean more than that and that's okay. Seeing so many guys at their wit's end because they need to have sex and women weren't trying to give it to them and knowing that I can make them feel good... if they're not afraid to have sex with me.

Falling in love with a gay man. Shit - didn't see that coming! But it did and I learned even more stuff about boys being boys and why they were the boys that they were. God, I loved him so much and in doing so, I learned some important shit about love, like, it didn't matter who you loved as long as you loved. Having sex with him. Seeing the joy in him as he'd suck my dick. The way he clung to me when I fucked him. It didn't matter if we were "good" or not because being in love made the sex better. He was so... girly in bed that I'd often forget that I was having sex with a guy.

Sex is a very powerful thing and I'd learned that from the first time I tasted dick. I knew. I understood. I'd tell people how I got to love dick... and they would feel sorry for me. Saying I was abused. Yeah, technically, I was... but I never felt abused and when they'd tell me how sorry they were I would say, "I'm not - I'm glad that it happened and if I could thank the man, I would because what he did freed me and taught me some very important stuff about sex... and life."

And yes - if I could go back in time and do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing. Like, I couldn't stand the stupid game my cousin would want to play so we could have sex but I'd grow up and understand why he chose this way to do what he wanted us to do because we were more like brothers than cousins and I was the brother he didn't have. Crazy game... but the sex was very, very good. That sense of pride when he busted his first nut with me and how good it tasted. Calming his fears about it - and because I remember how scared I was when I busted my first nut at the ripe old age of nine.

Other cousins, both male and female and close enough to be illegal in most places... but that's not what mattered. Having sex with them. Showing affection because we were related. Vacationing with a brother and sister cousin who were more shameless about having sex with each other than I could ever be... and having sex with both of them, one-on-one and in a threesome and understanding that at the very root of this very incestuous thing was... it's just sex. No harm, no foul. Learning from them that living on a farm and tending animals taught them that sex was normal and natural and understanding the same thing I did when having sex with my own brother and sister: If you can't have sex with them, who can you really have sex with? Who knows you better?

And, importantly, it ain't illegal unless you get caught.

Being a teenager and learning that there were a lot of adult men who wanted to have sex with me. Pedophilia, they called it. Child abuse, they called it. Yet, I'd have sex with adult men and not ever felt abused at all. Yeah, some "seduced" me but I knew what they were doing and, sometimes, it was funny because I knew, even if they didn't, that all they had to do was just ask me if I wanted to without trying to seduce me. Did that make me a bad person? Eh, sometimes, I felt like I was but, again, I was learning that boys will be boys... even when they're grown-up boys. That some of them liked boys my age was kinda scary - some men were very creepy and I avoided them but if they were kind and all that, sure. I would realize, many years later, that those older men treated me better than the guys my own age would or did.

I understood that forcing someone to do it was very bad. Kid logic said that as long as I wasn't being forced to do anything, it'd be okay. I understood sex in a way my peers didn't. Right or wrong didn't really mean a whole lot and sometimes, it wasn't what you did or who you did it with but why you did it. All the rules made sense... but not really all that much. One day feeling very weird about screwing my sister and her telling me that as long as I didn't get her pregnant, she didn't know what the problem was. We were screwing because we were both very horny but at the root of it, we loved each other, and sex was a way to show that love. Knowing that incest was very, very wrong but also understanding that it's only really wrong if something goes wrong or, yeah, you get caught. Being lovers with my brother who didn't like me all that much - and I didn't like him - but we'd have sex and that was really the only time we got along with each other... and it made sense to me despite the circumstances that made us not like each other.

Getting some dick is just good. One day, I fell into a man's trap; he drugged me, tied me up, and had sex with me. The bad part? The sex was damned good. I still tried to kill him because he fooled me... and that was my fault more than his. The things I was learning about having sex with guys was... deep. Complicated but not really if you got to know why men - and boys - are the way they are about getting their dicks hard and having sex. Having sex with guys who were "more like girls" than they were guys... and not all of them were gay and then learning stuff about guys who were. Not just how they liked to have sex but why they only liked guys. Complicated but not really.

it's a satisfaction that, in a lot of way, cannot be found when having sex with women. You find out what you like and what you don't like. Learning that you don't have to be into a guy in order to have great sex with him. Again, I had a brother who couldn't stand me and I disliked him with a passion; conventional thinking says that you never have sex with someone you don't like but we were the exception to the rule. We could fight like wild animals and later have sex like the fight never happened. Finding it hard to admit that out of all the male lovers I've ever had, he was one of the best ever. Weird stuff... but real-deal, real-life stuff.

I would overhear some adults talking about this and some would say that they knew what their kids were doing but, eh, it was okay... as long as they stopped when they were supposed to. I wondered what that meant but I would later understand that boys have stuff they're supposed to do in order to be a man and some of that meant only having sex with girls. Well, okay - but did it really mean that I had to stop having sex with boys? I didn't think so. And while a lot of the guys I had sex with walked away from it, I never did.

There was always the stigma against homosexuality. I knew what that meant... and I knew that wasn't me. I liked my friends but I didn't like them like I did girls. Didn't know that there was a word that described what I was doing: Bisexual. What a revelation! It all felt right and normal to me. You didn't even have to ask me if I'd suck your dick - just show it to me and I'd start drooling and if you gave me "that look," oh yeah - I get to do this again and can taste his jizz (as we called it back then). It felt... nasty but good. Same with having a guy on top of me and thrusting his hard dick in and out of my ass. It would sometimes feel... wrong, but it also felt good, too. I would sometimes feel yucky sticking my dick into someone's asshole... but it would feel good, too.

Remembering the day a grownup was sucking my dick - and just a few days after I started shooting jizz - and I came in his mouth. He was so surprised and said that I shouldn't be doing that now but said that I was becoming a man. Then sucked me off again. Then he fucked me and he asked me why could I be able to take his dick in my ass. I thought it was a dumb question and I'd later realized that he knew why I could. It wasn't the first time a grownup fucked me and they would tell me to just relax and let it go in... but I knew that already because me and my friends figured out that you gotta make it slippery and go kinda slow and if you tense up, it's gonna hurt real bad. Oh, yeah - those "huge" grownup dicks hurt like hell going in me but then it would feel good and then, when they shot their stuff into me, it felt so much better.

At one point in all of this, I really thought there was something wrong with me because, sure, I liked doing it to girls (including my sister) but I also liked doing it with, well, with any guy who wanted to, my age, older, and way older. But, no, nothing was wrong with me and I'd grow up to understand these things. I knew right from wrong in this and I didn't care all that much. Sex was amazing... most of the time. So much joy to suck a guy's prick and hear him moaning and groaning and the feel of his prick pumping cum in my mouth - or in my ass - was beyond compare. But I was learning why girls didn't want to do it all that much, too. Boys were being boys... and sometimes being very bad boys. That ugly feeling of being used and "abused" and by that, I mean being fucked too hard and it was more painful than pleasurable. Being called names as they did it to me and calling me a good girl and other things that really hurt my feelings... but I'd learn to ignore that stuff because sex was supposed to feel good and it wasn't going to feel good if someone made me feel bad about it.

And I never wanted to feel bad about it.

I would eventually learn that boys being boys is as old as humanity is but when I experienced it, it was new. Exciting. That man paying me to feed me the head of his dick and filling my mouth to overflowing with his cum. Exciting. Weird. Tasty. Then feeling his renewed erection sliding between my cheeks and poking against my hole. Weird. Still exciting even if I didn't know why. Feeling him cumming again, his knob pressed against my hole so hard that some of it slipped into me along with some of his cum.

And it felt weird. Exciting. I felt... alive. Different. Couldn't wait to tell my friends what I'd just learned about "doing the nasty." Did they know that boys - even grownups - could do it to boys? Apparently, they did and if they didn't, so many were very eager to learn what I had the day before. It was all bad and I knew it was because I was told that boys do not have sex with boys and I now knew it was a lie. How can something everyone says is so bad feel so good?

I would learn that it feels so good... because it's supposed to. I got turned out that day. I was so hooked on sucking dick it wasn't funny and, today, I'm often embarrassed to remember how I was back then. It was fun to suck my friends' dicks and more fun when an adult would give me his dick to suck and I'd get to taste his stuff. Or feeling them between my cheeks, trying to get it in me without hurting me and it felt so good but my friends and I figured out how to get our dicks into each other's ass and it felt very weird. Exciting. Nasty but in a strangely good way. Being able to take some of an adult cock in my ass. Oh, how it hurt! But it also felt good. Feeling them cumming in me, their big grownup dicks twitching inside of me and hearing him saying how good it felt to him; then, to further "ease the pain," I'd go away with money in my pocket.

I'm not proud about that aspect... but that's just the way it was for me and almost all of my friends. Having sex with each other. An adult every now and then. Brothers doing each other and I resisted my own brother begging me to do it to him before he finally got on my nerves... and we did it. And it felt right for us to do it even though we both knew that if we ever got caught, well, that would be very bad.

The taste of dick. The scents. The feel of it in my mouth or in my ass. Not as "good" as being able to do it to a girl but, yeah. Nasty but in a good way. The peer pressure we put other guys under: If you didn't like to do what we liked to do, you couldn't hang out with us and you're a big chicken. Taking every opportunity that presented itself to have sex with each other and in ways that I'd later realize that a lot of adults didn't know how to do or fantasized about.

Sucking off nine of my friends one day. Turning around a day or so later and those same nine friends fucked me. Things that I wouldn't do today but back then? Both were good and bad; I'd threw up the cum I'd swallowed at one point but recovered and kept on sucking them. I was so comfortable with them fucking me that I even took a nap but when it was all over with, oh, boy - my ass was so sore that it hurt to sit down and I had spent the rest of my day running back and forth to the bathroom and still "shitting out" their loads of cum.

This sex thing was amazing. It didn't make a difference to me if I had it with a boy or a girl and when we'd have threesomes, did it get any better than being able to get some dick and pussy at the same time? No... it really didn't. But, being the smart kid my test scores said I was, I learned a lot more than how to have sex with someone. I wanted to know if boys weren't supposed to do it to each other, well, why not? Why was it bad for brothers and sisters to have sex with each other and more so when they - and probably more than anyone else at the time - fell under the conditions we were told we could only have sex under: Don't have sex with someone unless you really care for them or love them but on top of being told to not have sex until we were old enough.

Which would, one day, beg the question of how old is old enough? I'd say that 80% of what I learned about sex was learned before I was 13. Sucking and fucking with the fellas. Eating pussy and fucking girls. Finding out how girls can get pregnant or, as we said back then, "get into trouble." Well, okay, let's avoid that one but if girls were afraid to do it, the guys I grew up with were most certainly not afraid to.

Today, I would say, with a lot of certainty, that I've sucked more dick, swallowed more sperm, and have been fucked more than most of the women I've ever known. Because boys are just - and always - being boys. They call it experimenting and I learned that it's more exploring than anything else. Some say that boys are boys because having sex with each other prepares us to have sex with girls. Maybe they're right about that.

"Those were some of the best times of my childhood," he said, breaking the silence.

"They were good, weren't they?" I agreed.

"It's a shame that we grew out of it," he said.

"Who said I did?" I asked, knowing that by saying this, he'd be shocked - and he was.

"You didn't?" he asked.

"Cuz, I was already bisexual when you started the game and the truth is that I never had reason not to be bisexual," I said. "I know you and I think you knew that if you wanted to do this by playing that game that I wasn't going to object in any way; if you had an inkling that I wouldn't, you would have left it alone."

"Yeah, you're right, but..." he said, whatever else he was going to say trailing off.

"You weren't the only guy I was having sex with - but you had to know that because, um, did you ever wonder how I knew what to do?" I asked. "Or, yeah, remember when you busted a nut for the first time? I knew how to get you to not freak out when you did it... because a lot of my other friends busted their first nut with me. But, yeah, I just assumed that you grew out of it... but I never did and if anything, I'm even more bisexual than I was back then."

"Well, damn," he said. "I didn't know."

"We had a communication failure," I said. "I know you remember that time we went camping with Doug and me and him were doing it... and how mad you got because we were."

"Yeah, I was heated because, um, I didn't want to share you with him like that," he said.

"Yep, I figured that out but we did make up for that after you stopped being pissed off," I reminded him.

"Look, man, I loved having sex with you and I never wanted it to stop... but it did. Not because I was traumatized in any way but I felt that you might have been and, well, shit: The one time we should have talked about this, we didn't. You said we had to stop and I agreed with your decision. I didn't like it... but I understood it... or I thought I did."

"I, um, I gotta confess that there were other guys I did it with, too," he said.

"I assumed as much," I said. "I even expected as much because it was the only thing that made sense about you being more comfortable and, for example, why you went from not wanting me to cum in your mouth to not stopping when I said I was gonna do it... and all in one weekend. I was okay that you figured that out with someone else even if I didn't know who - and whoever it was, it didn't matter to me because it just made us better lovers together."

"I'm glad we finally talked about those times," he said. "My mind is at rest to know that I didn't traumatize you in any way."

"You'd have been hard-pressed to traumatize me," I said. "I was into it up to my eyeballs before our first time... but doing it with you for all those years meant so much to me in other ways and it made you more of a brother to me than my own brother was - and I've always cherished that."

We ended the call and, afterward, I spent some happy moments reliving every moment the two of us had sex...