[SIZE=3][FONT=verdana]Or winding up being angry and feeling used and dirty when the better thing to do was to just lie there and be fucked because resisting and/or fighting back could make things even worse. The "problem" I was having wasn't so much running into guys who'd make having sex with them a big "mistake;" it was being able to not let these "mistakes" put a damper on how much I loved having sex and especially in those times where I'd have a guy inside me and he's fucking me like he's lost his mind and, I would think, confusing my asshole with a girl's pussy and thinking that if he could bang the shit out of a girl's cunt, he could do the same thing fucking a guy.[/FONT] [FONT=verdana]While avoiding the bad became warranted, I just never knew all of the time if having sex with a guy was going to be good or bad; there were many times when my instincts would scream at me to turn this guy down because, one, I knew he was lying to me about his intentions and, two, he just felt wrong and, even three, his reputation for making sex bad for the other person preceded him and he was very well known to be that guy to be avoided at all costs. My sexual education wasn't all about learning how to do stuff and learning how to be good at all that I had been learning; a lot of it was also some very eye-opening shit about how guys are when they're horny and their dicks are hard and that the nicest guy could quickly turn into the guy I was now wishing I hadn't said yes to. And then taking on the task of learning from my mistakes and understanding that, sometimes, I couldn't know that it was a mistake until the moment it became one and now it became a matter of whether or not I had to actually defend my "virtue" and employ violence or, yeah, just lie there and take it. And while that didn't happen to me as much as it did with other guys I knew of, it happened enough to change the way I looked at having sex with other guys. It happened enough that I also had to be more... detailed and introspective about having sex with a guy and not be so focused on whatever he was doing or saying that totally turned me off but being able to look at the whole thing and see if there was something - anything - I actually did enjoy having sex with him right up until he did or said something to make it not so enjoyable. As related in other writings here, the worst thing was the day I got tricked, drugged, and used by a true predator and it was even harder for me to admit that none of what happened would have happened if I had been paying attention and as I had learned to. Not only was I not paying attention and fell into his trap, the part that was even worse was that the sex he had with me while I was drugged was... amazing. It was hard for me to admit - and after the drugs had worn off and I tried to kill him - that when he was sucking my dick, fucking me, and riding my dick like a madman - yeah, the sex was some of the best sex I'd had at that point in my life and even worse when I found that I couldn't blame him more than I had to blame myself for being stupid enough to fall into his trap in the first place. I realized, in retrospect, that I should have seen the signs and I hated myself because I hadn't paid any attention to them; I knew the juice he'd given me tasted a little funny but drank it anyway but by that time, there was nothing I could do to prevent what happened, well, until my rather high metabolism purged whatever it was he'd doped me with - and it had something in it that kept my dick hard the whole time - and I was able to turn the tables on him and beat him badly and left him for dead.[/FONT][/SIZE]
[SIZE=3][FONT=verdana]I became sexually active at a young age and in rapid succession and once I experienced sex at the hands (so to speak) of a man, my desire to have more sex was escalated. It didn't take a whole lot of brain power to (1) figure out that this sex thing was totally amazing and (2) because I could have sex with both boys and girls, well, did it get any better than that? The very simple kid logic said that if I couldn't find a girl who'd want to do the nasty, there was always a boy who'd want to.[/FONT] [FONT=verdana]And it was fun. Naughty beyond belief. And it only got better once I was able to shoot the dreaded baby-making stuff and since I was the first among us to be able to do this, it made me very popular even if the girls I had been having sex with were now leery of doing it with me since, well, there's a reason why we called it the baby-making stuff but among us guys, it was just a very cool thing to be sucking on someone's dick and the next thing you knew, that warm, sticky, salty/sweet stuff would be shooting in your mouth or, with a guy on top of you and humping his dick in and out of your butt for all he was worth, feeling his prick jerking and twitching inside you and knowing that he was shooting the baby-making stuff in you. Some liked the feeling so much that when they felt the jerking and twitching, it would give them a bad case of the giggles and maybe because it felt so good and so weird that laughing was the only response.[/FONT] [FONT=verdana]Just way too much fun. Once I started eating pussy, the circle was now complete and even if a girl was afraid to fuck, getting her pussy licked and sucked was in very high demand and so was I; I could do it, I loved doing it, and I could do it for a long time and the "funny" thing about this was that if a girl wanted to be eaten but didn't want to be fucked, um, after eating her silly, she'd have no qualms about me sliding my dick into her and filling her overheated pussy with cum anyway.[/FONT] [FONT=verdana]But as quickly as I had discovered the joys of sex, I also discovered just as quickly that you could have sex with someone and it wasn't fun at all and it wasn't until I was well into my adult years when I'd go back into my memories and see that whenever I had sex and it wasn't fun, it was usually with another guy... and now I was getting schooled and learning why girls behaved the way they did when some horny dude was trying to fuck them.[/FONT] [FONT=verdana]It wasn't fun to have some guy manhandling me or trying to humiliate me in some way; I found out quickly and the hard way that I hated guys who'd make having sex with them unpleasant and, even worse, insulting my intelligence by using the same kinds of lies they'd use with girls and thinking that I was stupid enough to believe that if I sucked their dick, they weren't gonna cum in my mouth. Yeah, sure they wouldn't. Or they'd think I was naïve enough to believe them when they said they weren't gonna fuck me... then try to do just that... and then get pissed off when I wouldn't allow it and I'd be pissed because I'd find myself literally fighting them to keep their dick out of my ass.[/FONT][/SIZE]
So what would a typical day be like for me given that we can't go anywhere or do anything here in Ontario? I would start the day with a long shower and shaving my legs. I would glide over to the closet and pick out something that I could lounge in all day but still look sexy doing it like a long silk nightie. Most likely underneath would be some really sexy lingerie like matching bra and panties with a garter belt and stay-ups or maybe a bodysuit. I would proceed to my makeup vanity and apply the most smokey eyes you have ever seen and then finish off with a statement red lip. I would then sit on the couch and read blogs and forums all day whilst chatting with other like-minded individuals about the ins and outs of sex (Pun intended) all the while slowly drinking my coffee and getting aroused. The day would drag on with me getting increasingly aroused to the point where I will need to satisfy my urges with some sex toys on the bed. Once completed I will then lounge in my night until I fall asleep and repeat the next day.
I thought as I got older I would calm down a bit. I was not really a party animal in my younger years and that's something I don't regret at all, it's not me and never was. But I find now as I get older I seem to want to push at some things a little harder. Years ago I would never have taken any pictures of myself in a compromising position but here we are with some rather racy photos of me sitting on the hard drive. Not really sure what drove me to do it but I can say I am enjoying taking and looking at them for sure.
A.D.D. was never a thing when I was a kid but according to my wife, I have over 10 of the 15 signs of adult A.D.D. and one of them is hyper-focusing. FYI hyper-focusing is [QUOTE]Hyperfocus refers to an intense fixation on an interest or activity for an extended period of time. People who experience hyperfocus often become so engrossed they block out the world around them. Children and adults with ADHD often exhibit hyperfocus when working intently on things that interest them.[/QUOTE] So this could be the answer as to why when I get these feelings I dive right in head first without any other thoughts. I have done it with everything in my life, probably why I have over 50 lipsticks in my collection and most have not even been used yet. Also why I spent most of my workdays for the last week thinking about nothing but cock!!
I sometimes can't help but wonder if my crossdressing is attributed to my bisexuality or vice versa. This was a question I would ask myself years ago before I truly accepted myself. I hated the fact that sometimes when I dressed I would get these feelings and urges and act on them while dressed. It took me a long time to get over these and come to where I am today. I am happy no matter how I am presenting and do not have any more guilt towards my fantasies.
well i am coming out as a crossdresser. going to tell my niehbor about it. [ATTACH=CONFIG]57316[/ATTACH]
So if you read my first blog here you will see that I told my wife how my bisexual curiosity was gaining some traction and I would like to explore it more, she agreed and I proceeded to look into some avenues of finding someone to explore their feeling with. Fast forward a few weeks and we are having some sort of conversation and something got said and at that point, I knew I had really hurt my wife, which is something I really did not intend or want to do. I decided that the best thing to do would be to stop my search for a partner and try and stop thinking of this situation. But here we are almost a year later and I am back into the same feelings I had before. Although this time we had a more frank discussion. I basically said I have these feelings and I can't do anything about it. Out of the love and respect I have for her I will not pursue an IRL meeting or boyfriend but I will continue to be online chatting and talking with other people that have the same interests as me. So for the foreseeable future, there is no chance that I will act on any of my bi feelings but I can at least come here and talk with other people that feel the same way as I do. Cynthia
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