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[FONT=Verdana]Human sexuality is a funny thing, not funny Ha Ha, but funny that for the most part, many struggle with it but once they accept it, often wonder where all the anxiety and stress came from. Phillip Schofield just came out gay after over 20 odd years of marriage and I can just imagine the internal struggles he went through over those years. This is controversial and may annoy some but I believe most people, if not all are innately bisexual. They have the capacity to fall in love or pleasure, for the sake of this blog and to keep things simple, men and women.[/FONT]
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[/FONT][FONT=Verdana]The same behaviour is witnessed in the animal kingdom, perhaps not the love part, who knows, so why should humans be any different? I applaud Mr Schofield for having the strength I do not. He has decided that he has to live the remainder of his years the person who he was born to be. Yes, I believe there is an element of genetic coding at play. There isn't necessarily a gay gene, but a gene that may make them more susceptible to same sex attraction and it's more dominant in some than others. When you add in opportunity or situation in to the fray, some will act upon it, even those who claim to be 100% straight.

I myself maintain I was born this way. I didn't become bisexual overnight, it was a long arduous journey over many years and can honestly say that I felt different from mid-late puberty as my hormones really kicked in. I knew I wasn't straight but there was no bisexual back then, it was straight or gay, you had to choose sides so I did and lived with it buried in my inner most soul for a quarter of a century. This journey need not have been anywhere near as long if not for social convention and religion making it so. Who any man or woman chooses to love or have sex with is no one else's business. [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana]Perhaps the next human evolution in 1000 years may be further down this path and genders become irrelevant, it's just sex and love, if we don't blow ourselves up first. Until then most of us will just have to continue to live in the shadows or closets, but every so often there is a little light, a glimmer of hope when someone of fame, such as Mr Schofield comes out and the world is full or praise and support, not disgust. I'm sure there's many out there who are full of disgust but the overwhelming response has been positive in the media so I hope it's actually been like that for him out of the spotlight too.[/FONT]
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I believe there are three major stages, realisation, acceptance and acknowledgement when it comes to sexuality. Realisation is not acceptance. I realised from an early age that I had same sex tendencies and like so many, didn't accept it till later on in life. Acknowledgement is the final stage, it's when an individual acknowledges it to others, aka, coming out. It's the stage I am struggling with and may never enter though I would very much like too. It's a stage you don't have too enter, it's totally optional. It's the acceptance stage that matters the most. Acceptance for me is the key to a happy life sexuality wise. I personally no longer feel any guilt associated with my desires, fantasies or dreams because it's nature and therefore natural, not to mention pleasurable. It's a part of who I am, it's a part of who I want to be. I don't want to be straight. Bisexual feels right.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana]As the Pride parade is today in New Zealand, my hope is to one day participate. I never knew why they held the parade when I was wearing my straight mask, I thought it was a bit flamboyant and look at me. It was not until I accepted my sexuality that I understood why. For me, my sense of pride came from the acceptance. I was finally at peace instead of fighting myself every step of the way. I had won the battle even though some would say I lost. I had accomplished what many cannot, I wanted to shout it from the rooftops and I simply wanted to be a part of something bigger than me. This is where the forums come in. It's my parade for the moment. It's my outlet. It allows me to be me. It allows me to express myself. If we all don't use it, we risk losing it and that will be a very dark day for us all.[/FONT]

My first blog was about the internal struggle of accepting my sexuality, this one discusses what actually happened to make me accept it.

Looking back over the years I think the number one thing that made me suppress my sexuality is family and the disappointment it would be to them should they ever find out. I never had the exposure to same sex activities in my formative years that so many seemed to have had on here, perhaps things may have been different had I but the opportunity never presented. Would I had it? I don't know, teenage and horny makes me think I might have and simply put it down to youthful experimentation.

The first exposure I had to same sex content was via gay porn. The internet had arrived and whilst initially I used straight porn to masturbate to, it was not long before I looked up gay porn via newsgroups. I downloaded pictures only, 33.6k modem and video content are a no go. I'm not sure when I started to look it up, it sort of just happened, perhaps it was curiosity or perhaps it was the emergence of my sexuality either way, it was short lived. I didn't stop watching it because I didn't like it, I stopped because I was nearly caught masturbating to it and thus begun the denial and suppression stage. I often think back and wonder if it might have been better had I been caught as it would've been out in the open. I'm not sure which would've been more embarrassing, been caught masturbating or what I was masturbating too, probably the later. I would not look at gay porn for another 20+ years.

The moment I truly realised I was bisexual would happen 20 years later when for the first time in my life I experienced the incredibly strong desire to kiss another man. I had experienced a couple of same sex attractions prior but not once did I ever feel the need to kiss them, this was a first for me. Why didn't I twig on the first two attractions? I don't think I realised I was attracted to them as there weren't any sexual overtones or they were being suppressed sub-consciously.

Needless to say I didn't kiss him but it left me confused and gave my sexuality the opening it needed. This was my catalyst. Little did I know had I, he would've reciprocated but that's a story for another day. Always leave them wanting to know more.

With my curiosity now sparked I introduced male masturbation stories in to my masturbation sessions, initially solo stories but soon after mutual. I had discovered edging by now so these lasted hours. Words gave way to visual and I would resume my love affair with gay porn but not before I bought an anal toy and opened my backdoor for exploration. I very much enjoyed all these sessions right up until the point I ejaculated, then the guilt and shame set in and I would swear that it would be the last time. It never was. Months would go passed and every day the same thing happened, ejaculate, admonish myself.

Something had to change, I googled sexuality tests and found a few and did them all. You have to answer them truthfully or it's pointless doing them. The thing with sexuality tests is, if you're taking them, you already know the answer and are really looking for confirmation like I was. The confirmation helps strangely enough. Not one test said I was heterosexual, all said I was at the very least bisexual. I didn't accept this immediately but it was not long after when one day after a particularly enjoyable session I went to have a shower to clean up and I stared in to the mirror, thoughts flooded my mind and I said what I needed to say. "I am bisexual, I like cock too".

The relief was immediate, I had said it out aloud whereas previously it had never left the confines of my mind. Saying it out aloud was me coming out to myself. I needed to come out to myself before I could accept myself and initially I would go with a Kinsey two. The thing about being in the closet is you need an outlet. Porn initially works but eventually you need more so I signed up to Shy Bi Guys and read there were many just like me (perhaps not as messed up). I never could bring myself to post. I had accepted it, but posting was like coming out.

Once Shy Bi Guys shut, I had to find another home and ended up here. I signed up as a Kinsey three, equal and I had become comfortable enough in my sexuality to actually respond to and start threads. This helped me to realise I currently wasn't a Kinsey three and I changed my Kinsey value to a four. This brought it in to line with some of the tests to indicate a slight to moderate preference for men. No one probably noticed this but sexuality is about being honest to yourself and I felt I needed to do this for me. I say currently as I believe sexuality is fluid, it can change for a number of reasons and is only a snapshot of how I feel at this point in time. I do know one thing, I'll never be, nor ever was, 100% heterosexual no matter what I had said in the past.

With acceptance comes freedom and now my orgasms from masturbation are massive and incredibly enjoyable. I wouldn't want to give these up. I love being bisexual and I wouldn't change this even if I could. I believe I was born this way and it was only a matter of time before it would emerge. It's just a pity it took so long. Family still stops me from coming out today only because I let it, it's a mental thing, however deep down, I think they probably suspect or know. All in good time, I'm just enjoying being me.

[FONT=Calibri][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]Prior to being married I identified as bisexual, but since then I’m increasingly only attracted to men though I am married to a woman. My attraction is more physical, emotional and sensual than exclusively sexual.
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[FONT=Calibri][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]Around age 10 I fantasized about sex with men and I had my first homosexual experience with my older cousin at age 13. I assumed I was gay through high school then dated women as it seemed much easier to hide my attraction to men through my 20’s. But fought it thinking it was a phase that I’d grow out of: I didn’t grow out of it. In my early 30’s I had a loving affair with a gay man and came out as gay to my close friends, despite being married to a woman.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]Although, I can recognize an attractive woman and have a loving relationship with my wife I’m not sexually attracted to women, only men. Now I exclusively identify as homosexual. I’d say with pretty certain confidence that my sexuality is fixed and quite sure my homosexual desires were innate. I don’t relate to those who suggest it’s the person you fall in love with, not their gender. To me falling in love involves sexual attraction and for me that is only ever going to be with men.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]Kinsey Rating: Six[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=impact][SIZE=4][COLOR=#000000][I]To be honest with ya , I always liked girls as fare as i can remember. When i was younger like in my pre- middle school years I used to talk only to girls and my first kiss was with a girl. Well my frist relationship was with a girl. It started out as a simple friendship then over time it turned out to be a bit more. We had our first kiss that started it off was under the steps of the aprtment complex that I was living at that time. We wer going out for a good of period of time but we wer too young to relize what wer were doing . But I had somewhat idea of what I was doing and feeling. As time went by my atraction to femalse grew and got stronger. T hen some time I founded myself intrested .... well couriuse bout the oppisite sex. It took me a while cuz I was so used to having them as frineds instead of my speacial other. Pluse I was used of just chilling with them and tlkning bout girls and men stuff.. Ya know how it is when a bunch of males hangout together we get a lil bit manly.....
To continue with my first time with a boy... wow that was an experience.. To compare them it would be wrong (to me) becouse I like both the same way but if I can have both at the same time then i will be happy.. But thers a problem with that... I am one on one type of person when comes to sex.. The reason is that I had bad experince with 3 sums.. When i fouind myself liking guys it was diffrent . How? Well I got more nervouse with them and then i did not want to sound like a guy when I talked back to them and pluse I already knew the game taht they wer spitting out to get me . Or what they used to get their girls. So my problem was basicly being more femimin then townboyish or whatever you want to call it..
But today I lay more in the middle of being a fem an townboy. Sometimes I can be agressive and sometimes I can be more the go with the flow of things like more the prey of the mate.
So all of my life as fare as I can remember, I have been bisexual. I am cool with that because this is who I am. This is what I am going to be till the day I die.[/I][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

[CENTER][SIZE=6][B][FONT=arial black][COLOR=#0000cd]BI Me

[/COLOR][/FONT][/B][FONT=arial black][I][SIZE=4][COLOR=#00ffff]Personal Thoughts from coming out of the closet to being openly Bisexual

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[/COLOR][/SIZE][/I][/FONT] I had known for quite some time, years in fact that I was attracted to men the same as I was women. Being raised in the buckle of the bible belt in an ultra-conservative and very narrow minded region, I assumed that I should just ignore it. I grew up in a home with parents that were much older than my friend’s parents that had extremely old fashioned views on relationships and sexuality. So as I grew up I ensured that everything I did was exactly what the average all-American boy was supposed to do.[/LEFT]
Now, I’m not saying that I knew that when I felt an emotional connection to another guy that it was bisexuality, but I did know that there was something different than the norm. As I started to take notice of girls a bit in middle school, and even more so in high school I knew the feelings I had for them was emotional as well as sexual desire. The part I didn’t understand, was that I was having the same feelings for some of the guys I knew also. I shrugged it off as “it’s just because we’re close”, but looking back now I realize that there was more to it than that. Am I saying that just because you feel close to someone of the same gender that you must be bi or gay? No. But I know now that with the number of guys that I felt that way with, some of which I barely knew, that for me those feelings were bisexual in nature.
As my time in high school was coming to an end and the decision to go into college or the military arose, I chose the military. Keep in mind, I was basically oblivious to being bisexual. I went into the military and did as all the other recruits did, and listened to everything the military told me, including that being attracted to the same sex was bad. This point just reinforced everything that I had ever been told about relationships and sexuality, so I accepted it.
It wasn’t until I was at my permanent duty station that I had my first actual sexual encounter with another guy. I was doing the same thing every other military guy does when he gets to his first station, party like hell. I didn’t have a vehicle at the time, I was at a bar and my ride left without me. A nice guy offered to give me a ride and I accepted. Once we got to where we were going we sat and talked for a while, and then he popped the question, he ask if I would like for him to service me. Not wanting to be rude, and after all he did give me a ride, I obliged. After it was all said and done I was left rather confused. I didn’t know of anyone that I could talk to, that would understand anyhow, so I just kept it all inside to myself.
After the military, I did the normal thing of get married, have kids, you know the normal things. After a rather testy divorce I was on my own again. I had made friends with one of my neighbors, and what do you know, he was gay. I finally had someone that I could talk to, and talk we did. I got to see things from his perspective and relate them to myself.
After a while I did get remarried, and she knew that my friend was gay. She didn’t know however that I was bisexual, but then again, I really didn’t either. We used to all go out and party together, and one of the frequents was the local “lifestyle” bar. I enjoyed going there because I could be myself, have fun and no one would judge me, ogle me maybe, but judge me? No.
The moment that everything started to work itself out was one weekend when we were all out having fun together. We had all been drinking, it was late, he didn’t want to drive home drunk, so we had him crash at out place. One thing led to another, and we all woke up the next morning in bed together. To keep this from being a sex story, and keep it on track I’ll leave it at that. That’s when my wife understood that there was more I enjoyed than the normal religious definition of a relationship. That’s also when I started realize there was a reason for the feelings I had, and having the chance to finally act on them felt great.
I had kept the secret that I was bisexual to myself with only my wife and my friend knowing for several years. My wife and I eventually moved from the buckle of the bible belt to a town quite a bit larger with a much broader spectrum of people. She would let me get together with a guy now and again, and more than one occasion we had a guy join us. I would shave my legs from time to time, and then decided to paint my nails. I discovered I really enjoyed these things, and I was having more frequent dreams and daydreams about being with another guy, not just on a sexual level, but on a communication level as well.
But I was still torn with the idea of someone finding out that I was bisexual. What would they think of me? After all, I’m ex-military at this point and everyone envisions me as this tough guy that doesn’t take shit from anyone. Which also lent itself to my own thinking of, if I was openly bisexual would it mean that I would have to do things differently? Enjoy different music? Dress differently? Act differently?
The epiphany came one day while reading an article online. I can’t recall where the article was or who it was by, but it made me realize that I’ve been bisexual all along, and I’m still who I am. So, then my thinking was, why hide it any longer? I realized that by being open about it, I not only would feel better, but I could stop being frustrated with myself and my situation.
I finally one day made the decision that I was tired of keeping my sexuality to myself, so I talked with my wife, and made sure that she was ok with me coming out. Since it affected her as well I wanted to make sure she was ok with me being open about my sexuality. She understood my desire to do so, and was in full support of me, honestly I was a bit surprised by this. But that is also one of the things that make us such a great couple, I support her, and she supports me. So, I decided to be open with it. I started shaving my legs full time as well as getting regular pedicures with polish, and stopped being embarrassed and afraid of wearing shorts and sandals in public. I will admit that the first few times was a little unnerving but that soon passed and I never felt better about myself. My only regret about it, is I wish I hadn’t waited so long.

Now, I’m not telling you that I ran out in the street and yelled “I’m Bisexual” or made it a point to direct conversation so as to interject that I’m bi, but I stopped feeling like it’s a bad part of me that I need to hide. My first step in being openly bi was to be open with my wife what I’m feeling at all times about my sexuality. After the initial shock of going in public with my legs shaved and toes painted I’m starting to settle in to my new open self. By the time you have read this article I will have made what some may consider a rather bold statement of my sexuality by getting a bi tattoo on my ankle.
Does everyone I come into daily contact with know that I’m bi? No. But, if they find out or suspect it, I’m no longer going to deny it. I don’t feel that it is my place to shove what I enjoy in everyone’s face, nor do I feel that I should go out of my way to put it out there. Yes, I realize I just mentioned getting a tattoo of my sexuality, and then mentioned that I’m not going to put my sexuality in everyone’s face. But, my tattoo isn’t about putting my sexuality in everyone’s face, but rather about me coming to full terms with who I am and being comfortable in my own skin (at least after the ink has healed).
I haven’t hopped on the phone or the internet and told all of my family members about my sexuality, nor do I intend to, I fail to see the point in that. But, should they find out, there’s no point in denying it or trying to hide it, after all I have realized that being bisexual is part of who I am.
Am I saying that everyone should do the same thing that I have done? No. Nor am I saying that you should take my words as words to live by. But I do hope that you can relate in some way to some of my views and perspectives and know that not everyone is the same in their sexuality even within the pidgeon hole of being bisexual. For me I feel the most comfortable bisexually when I shave my legs, paint my toes and share stories of my thoughts, desires and adventures with my wife. For you it might be something entirely different.
I know that there will be those of you that criticize my thoughts and views by saying I’m bisexual solely for the purpose of being promiscuous in a committed relationship, as well as there will be those of you that say I’m hiding being gay by being married. But keep in mind these are after all my thoughts and views, just a short compilation of my journeys thus far and the things I’ve seen and felt. Being who I am now makes me completely happy, I enjoy my wife, I enjoy my family and I enjoy my friends whether they be gay, straight, or bi.