i remember 1 night in my early adolescence i was just turned on by random guys that came to mind. after that maybe i had some kinda very vauge gay feeling i never identified that way, maybe because the thought of being with a guy was so wrong to me & i did a great job repressing it but i'm not sure. i came from a typical environment where ne deviation from st8 was bad but it wasn't excessive. i was never a homophobe but i "knew" guys weren't for me. then 1 day in my early 20's i woke up hungover. i was thinking of going down on guys & to my surprise the idea was turning me on like nothing had ever turned me on, maybe partly because i still considered it taboo. of course being turned on i had to masterbate & i remember feeling real guilty afterwards & allmost swore never to let myself get worked up by this again. @ this point i was in college & this wasn't such a big deal so maybe i need the change in environment to have the freedom to start examining myself. these thoughts came back to me from time to time, every few months @ 1st. each time i allowed myself to get pleasure from being turned on by these thoughts & every time after masterbating i felt guilty. strangely enough, around this time i began allmost allways think about guys when i masterbated. these were the days slightly before internet dating. i remember there was this dating service that advertised i think in the back of our local weekly arts paper where u call a number & enter the number of the add ur interested in answering. i remember answering 1 or 2 m4m adds but it never went newhere largely because i think i wanted to tell myself i was doing something about it but i had no intention of meeting ne guys. i also remember answering alot of w4m adds & those never went newhere either fast forward a few years & we had internet dating. by this point i was taking meeting some1 a little more serious & decided i wanted to meet a m/f couple cause @ least it would still have a female so it would be a buffer between what i thought i should be & complete homosexuality. i answered alot of adds which for whatever reason never worked out but finally got to the point of agreeing to meet out with a couple. we chatted then we even went back to there place! after a few minutes i think i was getting scared & didn't wanna go ne further. i politely let them know i wasn't interested & left not too much later. i did call them back a few weeks later but by this point i got the feeling only he was interested in me. so maybe it was good it never worked out if she wasn't gonna be into it so much. eventually i began to warm up to the thought of being with a guy alone so i started looking for m4m adds. i must of been emailing @ least 2 guys & just before we got to the point we were gonna meet i abruptly said sorry but "this isn't for me." i'm sure there were other cases over the years where i could of answered emails but chose not to. then again alot of the emails had only 1 line so there really wasn't much to go on. it was around this time i told 1 of my roomates i might be bringing a guy home to spend the night so he wouldn't be surprised. he was totally fine with it & kinda encouraged it. he even mentioned an experiance he had with a guy once. he had no regrets but turned out he didn't like it @ least enough to do it again. but it did make things a bit weird for awhile. the subject never came up again so i assume he assumed my interest faded, which it did but of course it came back. i never told my other roomate who i'm sure would be totally fine with it too because the guy i was thinking of was 1 of the 2 guys who i told "this wasn't for me" & i told that guy that before i ever had a chance to tell my other roomate & after that i didn't see ne reason to tell him. a few years later i had a friend visit me from out of town & after a night of drinking with some of our friends i blabbed to her about my curiosities. i know she was ok with it but i also know it made things weird. i have seen or talked with her very rarely after that but again the subject never came up. eventually i met a women from the internet dating sites who presented her as bi & poly. she allready had a gf & her plan was to have a bf be her primary relationship, eventually her husband i guess, while having a secondary relationship with her gf who allready had a husband. eventually we discovered we weren't gonna be dating but we remained good friends for awhile. @ 1st we were pretty frank about bisexuality & my bicuriosity was not a secret to her, but again after awhile i discovered this "wasn't for me" and talk about my curiosity faded & i assume she assumed my interest faded too. shortly before this she introduced me to a friend of her friend who i also became good friends with & still keep in contact with her. this friend was also bicurious so we both felt kinda comfortable talking about the subject. our mutual friend even tried to find a women for her but it never came to that & i actually think she lost interest & again i assume she assumed i lost interest. well as the years went on i began to accept my curiosities more & more so that i began to have times when i didn't feel guilty after masterbating. but i also had a webcam & i knew how to use it i began camming & after those sessions i did feel guilty because now i was in a way participating with a guy. it felt hot while i was doing it but after i came i had the guilt & it was stronger than before. @ these points i was saying again "this is definately not for me." over the years though the thoughts began coming back faster & faster where over the past couple of years i have been thinking about it allmost constantly. but here's where i question whether this really is for me. during all this time & as far as i remember i have not had much luck with women. i can say with confidence i am very attracted to women but approaching them has allways been stressfull. i'm wondering if my attraction to men isn't a way to substitute something i really want but is too stressfull for me to handle. i can declare myself to be bicurious & get some kinda sexual relief but if it doesn't workout with ne particular guy it's not a big deal cause i'm not interested in more than experementation neways. but on the other hand maybe this curiosity is here legitimately & i've gotta resolve it before i feel comfortable in persuing nething with a women. in any case i think experementing with a man would be a good idea. it would give me more insite into who i am & give me some kinda peace of mind because i have been struggling with this for years. it's still kinda confusing but i'm still working on it. for now & this is kind of a recent stand, i have given myself permission to be bisexual & also permission to be confused about the whole situation.
here's some more about this. for the longest time i was also not trying to be the "typical guy." i wanted to have the highest respect for girls. unfortunately it made them seem so much higher above me & harder to attract or even harder to feel comfortable around. yet these guys who where supposedly below me were attracting girls & the girls didn't mind. try explaining that 1 lol. i didn't take it that far but far enough, i was intimidated by girls & felt helpless to do nething about it & still battling this weakness to this day. i kinda see no reason a women would wanna be with me & any attempt to gain her attention would be abusive. not really but kinda, it's the best way i can explain it. meanwhile u can only imagine the sexual tension this can create! well after a few years in college i probably couldn't take it nemore & the logical outlet for my sexual attention turned to the other sex my own. i grew up in a typical homophobic environment, not nething extreme & rarely mentioned but usually implying it was perverted & wrong. i was never a homophobe i allways supported gay rights but still when i had these feelings i felt guilty & kinda dirty but it was hard to deny i was getting turned on. but as time went on i accepted these feelings & became more open to more closeness with a guy. i'm not looking to date a guy but i am looking for some kinda closeness outside of sex because i realize sex is something pretty personal & some kinda emotional connection is necessary to have a good sexual experiance. i would also be open to a male fwb. but i can't help but wonder if some of my true desires are just being redirected & labeled as curiosity in avoidance of seeking happiness which i am afraid of. still i do know for a fact i want the freedom to be bi even if i'm not.
