Bi, Married and Monogamous

[swbell3]

<delurk> Hello everyone!

I have been happily married for over twenty years, and have no desire to bed anyone besides my wife. However, I am finally coming to terms with the fact that I am attracted to men as well as women. I am "out" to my wife and a select few friends, and that's probably as far as that will go.

In a way, this seems like a non-sequitur; if I'm not interested in acting on my attractions, then what does it matter? I guess the answer would be that it matters to me because it's part of who I am. Self-awareness means being aware of the whole self.

Anyway, to the point of this post: I have looked all over the 'net for someone in the same situation, and found one example. This forum, however, seems like a pretty safe place to discuss my bi-ness. Is there anyone here in the same position as me, or am I the odd duck here as well? What are your experiences?

The Phreak

[glantern954]

Hi and Welcome.

I too was once like you and had no desire to act on my bisexuality. My wife actually changed my mind about the subject and over the years have kind of met in the middle and are mostly monogamous also.

I'm not trying to say this will happen to you or anything ridiculous like that either. Congrats to you!

[Tingly_Tickles]

Well your not really alone there I too have no real desire to go out and lay down
with anyone but my wife, but I'm not sure if she's giving me subtle hints to say
that maybe we should or not.
She's kinda been asking if I want a guy around and stuff cuz I know she really
wants to be with a girl since she's never been there before and is highly curious
I'm just not sure if maybe she wants me to go at it first to say something like I
did it so now it's cool for her to go ahead iono I'm confused sometimes with it.
Anyhow who knows maybe she'll wait for the right one or maybe not who knows.

[truelove201]

<delurk> Hello everyone!

I have been happily married for over twenty years, and have no desire to bed anyone besides my wife. However, I am finally coming to terms with the fact that I am attracted to men as well as women. I am "out" to my wife and a select few friends, and that's probably as far as that will go.

In a way, this seems like a non-sequitur; if I'm not interested in acting on my attractions, then what does it matter? I guess the answer would be that it matters to me because it's part of who I am. Self-awareness means being aware of the whole self.

Anyway, to the point of this post: I have looked all over the 'net for someone in the same situation, and found one example. This forum, however, seems like a pretty safe place to discuss my bi-ness. Is there anyone here in the same position as me, or am I the odd duck here as well? What are your experiences?

The Phreak

My husband is currently struggling with this. See his forum/post "How Big is the Other Side". I think sharing with people in your situation is so helpful. How is it that you are so sure that this is as far as it will go? How are you able to feel whole? These are questions he also has about our situation. This whole thing is scary on so many levels. I accept who he is 100% and have no issues with him being by and attracted to men...i'm worried about the desire he has to explore this attraction sexually and what it will mean to us.

[swbell3]

Truelove201,

I've got a really good response bubbling up in my head, but I just took a sleeping pill, and I'm in the grip of its full effect. (That sentence took over a minute too writer.)

So, once I've slept & cogitated, I'll be back. Thx to all who have posted so far!

The Phreak

[swbell3]

Truelove201,

I'm rested and refreshed, so now perhaps I can string together some words that make sense.

The short answer to your question of how I can be sure that this is as far as it will go sounds rather trite: My marriage vows. When we were married twenty years ago, I promised to "forsake *all* others, for as long as we both shall live." Though at the time I hadn't realized (admitted, whatever) my attractions, this promise still applies, regardless of gender. All means all. My wife is my best friend, and my lover. There is really no question of wholeness in this situation. She is my life partner, and she completes me.

On the Kinsey scale, my wife would be a zero, if possible. Absolutely straight. Period. So, even if I was interested in a more "open" relationship, that wouldn't be in the cards.

When I came out to her, I was terrified. She had stuck with me through some rough times, but I was afraid that this was beyond the pale. When I sat down and told her everything, her response was not one of revulsion or rejection; it was "I love you no matter what, and we'll get through this together." I am truly blessed with the most wonderful friend in the world. That was fourteen years ago, and I'm still trying to figure things out.

It's been an interesting (in the Chinese curse sense of the word) process. I tend to be torn between two mindsets. On the one hand, given the first paragraph, why even bother thinking about it? That's sort of my wife's mindset. Myself, I have to think things through. Fit the new pieces into the jigsaw puzzle that is me.

Yes, I am attracted to both men and women. If I hadn't married, who knows what might have happened? As it is, I am where I am, and what I am. My presence here, and my goal in all this, is to understand myself a bit better by knowing and understanding others like me. (and, perhaps make some new friends in the process.)

[jackies]

Hello...

I cannot tell you how happy i am to have read your post.

My husband now feels the same way. He realizes that he has this attraction to both, but wants to remain commited to me and to our marriage.


This realization happened after a hurtfull infidelity, many tears, lots of therapy, anxiety attacks, depression diagnosis, sleepless nights...etc...etc...

We are working through it all and want to remain commited and monogamous.

Thank-you for your post...I will be sharing it with my husband.

~Jackie

[Tygress75]

swbell3 -- you are not alone!

I only recently came to terms with myself and came out to my husband that I was, in fact, bisexual. I've felt an attraction towards both men and women for most of my life, but early on I didn't have the vocabulary for it, and then later I chose to ignore the attraction towards women as just some sort of reoccurring "girl crush." Over time, I realized it was more than that and I finally came to realize for myself that I'm a bisexual.

The funny thing is, my husband suspected it before I was even comfortable with it for myself, and he accepts it perfectly fine. We're monogamous, and I have no intentions of pursuing a relationship with a female, even though my husband has told me on countless occasions that "if I want to, go ahead and it's okay... just nothing long term." It's not okay with me! I took the marriage vows, just like you, and feel the same way you do. My husband is also 100% straight, a "Kinsey 0." But then with him being a guy, like many other guys, he wouldn't have a problem if I decided to bring another woman into the bedroom for us both. However, I am not polyamorous in any sense of the word. "Sorry, hon, but no 'menage a trois' here!"

I've batted around the "what if I never married" idea in my head, but the fact is I AM married, and I love my husband very much! I live my bisexual side vicariously by watching the occasional lesbian movie/TV show or reading a salacious lesbian or bisexual novel. Besides, my husband gets a kick out of playing a "new game" with me. He loves being able to go out in public and discreetly check out women WITH his wife and/or try to guess which gals I may find attractive.

[Lisa (va)]

I think monogamy is a trait, regardless of your sexual preferences, you either are or aren't. Just because a person is bi doesn't make it impossible to maintain a committed relationship, it does happen. And just because partners desire only one sex doesn't mean they are automatically monogamous. Being monogamous is a choice, maybe right for some, not for others, it's really a matter of the folks in the relationship to define it as it fits and suits their own needs. Which is right? Depends on the people.

Lisa

hugs n kisses

[truelove201]

Truelove201,

I'm rested and refreshed, so now perhaps I can string together some words that make sense.

The short answer to your question of how I can be sure that this is as far as it will go sounds rather trite: My marriage vows. When we were married twenty years ago, I promised to "forsake *all* others, for as long as we both shall live." Though at the time I hadn't realized (admitted, whatever) my attractions, this promise still applies, regardless of gender. All means all. My wife is my best friend, and my lover. There is really no question of wholeness in this situation. She is my life partner, and she completes me.

On the Kinsey scale, my wife would be a zero, if possible. Absolutely straight. Period. So, even if I was interested in a more "open" relationship, that wouldn't be in the cards.

When I came out to her, I was terrified. She had stuck with me through some rough times, but I was afraid that this was beyond the pale. When I sat down and told her everything, her response was not one of revulsion or rejection; it was "I love you no matter what, and we'll get through this together." I am truly blessed with the most wonderful friend in the world. That was fourteen years ago, and I'm still trying to figure things out.

It's been an interesting (in the Chinese curse sense of the word) process. I tend to be torn between two mindsets. On the one hand, given the first paragraph, why even bother thinking about it? That's sort of my wife's mindset. Myself, I have to think things through. Fit the new pieces into the jigsaw puzzle that is me.

Yes, I am attracted to both men and women. If I hadn't married, who knows what might have happened? As it is, I am where I am, and what I am. My presence here, and my goal in all this, is to understand myself a bit better by knowing and understanding others like me. (and, perhaps make some new friends in the process.)

I long to hear these sames words from my husband however he is struggling with what it means. He's only been out to me for a little over a month. I too have accepted and embraced who he is. I love him unconditionally and our vows mean everything to me as do our 3 small kids. Hearing your story gives me hope and I thank you so very much for that!

[truelove201]

Mr. Truelove201 here....

WOW...I so badly wish it was that simple for me (to go back to my vows, recognized them and just set the male attraction side of me aside). Maybe over time it will become that simple. Although we exchanged vows over 10-years ago, it is only in the last few years that I have come to terms with who I am and a coulple of months ago that I came out to my wife.

I still have alot of un-answer questions about myself and how I fit into this world, what I need to feel like a complete person. How do I not only maintain my marriage, but let it thrive, while at the same time recognizing the other side of me is REAL and not just some passing phase. I don't want to damage us, but also want to feel like a complete person.

Sometimes it make me feel like there's a tennis match going on in my head with "FOCUS ON MARRIAGE" on one side of the court and "EXPLORE THE OTHER PART OF MYSELF" on the other side of the court.

I have ZERO desire to go around having one-nighter's with guys, but know there is something there deep inside of me that feels unfulfilled. I can't get my head around how to both side of the tennis court to come together without causing the stadium to collapse.

<<< That's me the tennis ball.

[CountryLover]

SWBell, you are not alone. My husband and I are both bi, and monogamous, mostly by his choice. I've let him know in no uncertain terms that if he feels the need to have a male companion that I'm perfectly okay with it, but he refuses to even consider the idea.

Honoring that depth of committment, I ended physical intimacy with my girlfriend when we became engaged a year ago. Now Ken and I are celebrating our first anniversary next month, and we've never been happier.

I'll be emailing you privately - we're near SA also.

[swbell3]

Mr. Truelove201,

WOW...I so badly wish it was that simple for me (to go back to my vows, recognized them and just set the male attraction side of me aside). Maybe over time it will become that simple. Although we exchanged vows over 10-years ago, it is only in the last few years that I have come to terms with who I am and a coulple of months ago that I came out to my wife.

Don't get me wrong; it may be simple, but it's not necessarily easy. I'm still attracted to guys, I just don't act on it. I don't put myself in situations where I would be able to act upon any temptations. It's no different than a het guy still being attracted to women after being married. He's married, not dead! But either way, he made a promise, and a choice.

I still have alot of un-answer questions about myself and how I fit into this world, what I need to feel like a complete person. How do I not only maintain my marriage, but let it thrive, while at the same time recognizing the other side of me is REAL and not just some passing phase. I don't want to damage us, but also want to feel like a complete person.

Though I came out to my wife years ago, I'm still coming to terms with it myself. I'm coming to understand that the attraction to guys is real, not just a phase or passing "fancy." My priority, however, is my wife and family, to whom I am committed.

Sometimes it make me feel like there's a tennis match going on in my head with "FOCUS ON MARRIAGE" on one side of the court and "EXPLORE THE OTHER PART OF MYSELF" on the other side of the court.

I have ZERO desire to go around having one-nighter's with guys, but know there is something there deep inside of me that feels unfulfilled. I can't get my head around how to both side of the tennis court to come together without causing the stadium to collapse.

I understand the two-mindedness that you speak of. I go back-n-forth in my head as well. I am a Christian, and for me that deep inner fulfillment comes from a relationship with Jesus Christ. I believe that nothing else can fill that emptiness.

That's not to say that it's not a struggle. He promised that He would give me strength, not that it would be easy. I have good days and bad days, just like everyone else. The hardest part right now is that my wife really isn't comfortable discussing the subject with me. She trusts me implicitly, but I think her outlook is, "it's not going to change anything, so why talk about it?" I want to talk about it, but I won't push it on her. When the time is right, she'll be ready to talk.

Well, I do go on. Feel free to PM me if you'd like to discuss further, or post here, either way.

Blessings,
The Phreak

[Tingly_Tickles]

I feel I have to add to this a little and hope that everyone doesn't mind so here
goes something.

My wife and I have talked and we are both have an attraction to the same sex
but will remain monogamous for the reason that we want to be pure at heart
for each other and have a totally committed relationship to each other only.

It's not that we don't fancy the same sex as much it's just that we made our
vows to each other to love and honor each other as soul mates until death do
us part. Which for us means that we will not act on the want for other physical
companionship just because of a lustful thought that might go through our head.

She has said numerous times that I may go out and be with another man if I feel
the need to but honestly I would much rather be with her and only her because
she is and has been the best and only woman that can make me feel like a whole
person. She is my other half to my circle of life.

Now to add to the part that I don't understand is that some people seem to
think that if you don't go after the same sex for playing or messing around
whatever you call it.

These people seem to think that your straight just because you don't play
around why would this be if you have the attraction enough to want to have
sexual intercourse with the same sex then uhh hello your bi that's just how it
is.
Just because you don't have any other person in your life along with your
marriage doesn't mean your straight it just means that you want to remain
faithful to just that one person and only that one person.

I personally have never been with a man nor a woman at the same time I have
mainly only had long term relationships which is just my preference, I prefer to
remain committed to one person at one time only because to me it's just too
much damn hassle to deal with two partners at the same time.

Obviously this is what I'm thinking if your bi you have probably had or have a
relationship with the same sex partner by now if not then who knows if you
can stay monogamous or not I wouldn't know as I've already been there done
that and yes it was fun but having a loving monogamous free of worry life
with someone you can trust with all your heart not to break it well that's just
perfection to me.

I am bi I love men and women alike I am no different than anyone else who is
bi but I remain in an opposite sex relationship because I want to and I feel that
is the right thing to do for myself as I made a commitment to my wife,
if I really want a man then I'll have my wife dress up butch and slap on a strap on.

This is my and it just works for us to be
that way to hell with any and all the oppose us it
works for us and that's what matters the most.
Do what works for your own relationship not what
others want you to do.

[bisocialnudist]

What a great thread, this site has been so helpful to me, I have a hard time writing without being misunderstood so I tend to not post online much. Anyway SWBell you are not alone. I have been married over 25 years to my best friend and am monogamous. For me it hasn’t always been easy but it is a question of priorities. I would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship

I told my wife before we were married that I had a number of same sex and opposite sex sexual encounters but left it at that until recently when I decided it was important that my wife knew that I am 100% bisexual. She had forgotten about my telling her about my prior experiences so in a sense I had to come out twice to her. I was terrified that it was going to cause hurt feelings or worse. Well she really is my best friend and knows me better than I thought. After a few long discussions things settled down.

She was a little nervous about my agenda for coming out to her, when I assured her it was simply so I could be true to myself and her and that things between us would not change it put her mind at ease. It has allowed me to openly discuss my feelings and to discuss some role playing options with her.

This is post is already long enough but I find ways to satisfy my same sex urges without actually acting on them with others, ie videos, role playing, fantasy, just looking etc. It is not always easy but I will do anything to keep the love of my life happy.

[~Michi~]

I am new to all of this. I have been married for 15 years and never plan to go outside our marriage but my husband thinks it is ok...it is who I am. It seems I was the one with the problem of realizing what I felt. He has known it for a long time. I guess because he is my best friend, he does know me very well...sometimes better than I know myself. Not sure what will ever happen...just taking it one day at a time!

[spartca]

I totally respect those folks who are bi and monogamous. There do seem to be a lot of you!

When I lived in Portland some folks held a small bi discussion group at a bookstore - it turned out they mostly all bi and monogamous. And rather horrified about the bi and polyamorous folks who showed up, I might add!

Just like I've been to a few bi groups where mono-bashing went on too. So I like to support bi folk, no matter who they are. While there often does seem to be a major division in the bi community between the monogamous and the poly, I see no reason why we can't support each other all the same.

[jackies]

Hi all...

Do you think it's possible to go back to being commited and monogamous after the "pandora's box" of fooling around has been opened?

I hope so...

That's what we are working on...


Thanks for the input.



~jackie

[spartca]

A lot of couples discover after experimenting with opening up a relationship that their needs are really very different: one wants to go back to monogamy, and the other wants to keep exploring. So it's good to re-examine your core values together at that point, because if you no longer share the same principles, then your practices aren't ever going to line up!

[spinoloot]

To be monogamous and fulfilled - that's our bind. I kept my homosexual feelings hidden from my wife for 14 years of marriage because I thought they were irrelevant, given I planned to be monogamous. When my wife discovered my sexual longings (internet porn exposed the farce), she was devastated and felt like I had essentially committed adultery. Over time, she has come to accept who I am but the level of trust will never be the same. Her point is that with an unrequited desire, our marriage is constantly at risk. Let's face it - no woman (or man) can completely satisfy a bi-guy. If we are monogamous it's at the expense of satisfying our sexual urges. A fantasy life can go just so far before the frustration becomes unbearable (I became depressed as a somatisization of my hunger for male contact). Although I really enjoy my wife and the easy life it brings, I now have to manage what amounts to depression as a compromise for being monogamous. I am willing to do it, but it sucks in some ways.

[spartca]

Let's face it - no woman (or man) can completely satisfy a bi-guy. If we are monogamous it's at the expense of satisfying our sexual urges. A fantasy life can go just so far before the frustration becomes unbearable (I became depressed as a somatisization of my hunger for male contact). Although I really enjoy my wife and the easy life it brings, I now have to manage what amounts to depression as a compromise for being monogamous. I am willing to do it, but it sucks in some ways.

Spinoloot-

I'm willing to accept the premise that there are happy, monogamous bisexual men in the universe, happily partnered to just one person. In practice, they are hard to find, because unlike married women, the costs are too high to come out of the closet, so there's just no point for them. They largely remain anonymous, monogamous, and straight or gay identified. Oh, and on bisexual.com ROFL

I'm with you - I am not monogamous. I'm just not. I came out as bisexual to my friends during puberty, and then became an activist in my mid-20s. I also figured out the whole polyamory thing in my mid-20s. I'm just not interested in going back. And like you, when I've been in a monogamous arrangement, I've had to deal with unsatisfied longings that manifest as powerful dreams and clogged body energy, etc.

So no "easy life" will ever be possible for me in a monogamous arrangement. So I don't bother. A lot of other people would be way more comfortable if I was monogamous, but "give me liberty, or give me death." The day monogamous marriage becomes mandatory is the day I move to France.

[brudegan]

I have been married for 23 years and finally came out to my wife last year after identifying as bisexual for just under five years now.

After admitting my sexuality to myself I was still in a state of "am I, or am I not?" Even though I had serious attraction to men I still wondered whether it was really bi or whether it was just curiosity. I guess that is why so many of us use the term bi-curious.

Two years ago I finally had to know, and the only way to find out was to seek out a like-minded indivudual and to act on my desires.

Since that encounter I am now confident in my identity as a bisexual. I have been monogamous since then.

In my mind the concept seems fairly simple. Until I had a same sex experience it was just a question and I was very uncomfortable. Now the doubt is gone and I can be much more comfortable with my desires and can deal with them much more confidently.

I consider myself very lucky.

[spinoloot]

Did you tell your wife about the affair?

[brudegan]

Did you tell your wife about the affair?

No, I did not tell her.

Since coming out to her there have been several times when I have denied any experience. At times I wish I had told her, but I don't know how she would take it.

I do feel guilty about it though and have have not repeated the experience, although I have been tempted on several occasions.

[the mage]

Untill you actually act on your homosexual urges (a person is Bi, sex is homo or hetero) you are simply a normal person with fantasies.

Theres a HUGE difference between your ideal fuck scene and reality.
Untill you have hopefully, talked about it in full with a mate , and gone out and had homo sex you do not know if you are Bi.
First timers don't even get it up about half the time. Being human with a curious active mind does not make you Bi.
I disagree totally with the notion that just cause you have fantasies never acted on, that you are Bi... Crap.... Its exciting to feel all adventurous and modern in advocating bi sexual activity but if you are in a monogamous relationship whether in the closet or not, until you live with the homo experience and wake the next day wanting it again with all its imperfections brought on by the presence of another real person you are not Bi.

As to monogamy, it works for some people but divorce rates show it is a social failure. It should not be the requisite for love. Being your whole self and encouraging your mate to do the same is love.

[anne27]

About 3 1/2 years ago, after a life of self denial, I realized I was bi. Unlike a lot of folks here I was very lucky as I knew that my hubby was bi and had accepted that part of himself long ago, as had I. His bisexuality came as a shock at first, and dealing with it took a while. My confession to him came as a complete shock and it took him a while to come to terms with it, as well.

Through a drunken night of parting with friends (the female I knew had had previous bisexual experiences because she talked of them fondly, and often), I wound up with my first bisexual experience. There was no turning back for me after that. I felt more alive and more 'right' than I ever had. I knew after that very first time that I was firmly bisexual. No question about it.

I went through a series of 'relationships'in short order. Those were mainly 'friends with benefits' type of things. I met a woman and we fell in love. It was a difficult time for me, trying to adjust to loving someone of the same sex. I had convenienced myself that girl/girl sex for me was just for fun. Her boyfriend decided he didn't like sharing her and the whole thing came tumbling down. Back to mindless, carefree sex I went. I planned on never falling in love again. Then, tired of everything, I gave up women for about a year.

I met my current girlfriend online. She and I started playing around online and on the phone and before I knew it, I was in love. Today, we have been together a grand total of 10 months. It's a long distance thang and that has it's own difficulties. But we're very much in love and both happy with our lives.

I have come of realize that I can't be happy without a woman in my life. My hubby is very supportive, and while he doesn't have a regular guy in his life, I do believe he would like a steady relationship. I will be happy for him if that's the path he chooses.

I need both sexes in my life. I need the sister/lover/best friend thing I get from my g/f and the lover/protector/love-of-my-life part that I get from my hubby. I am just happier when my life and my heart are full. I came to realize that denying that part of myself made me miserable. Hubby agrees and says more than anything he wants me happy and content.

That, I am. And I feel very, very lucky.

[CountryLover]

Untill you actually act on your homosexual urges (a person is Bi, sex is homo or hetero) you are simply a normal person with fantasies.

Theres a HUGE difference between your ideal fuck scene and reality.
Untill you have hopefully, talked about it in full with a mate , and gone out and had homo sex you do not know if you are Bi.
First timers don't even get it up about half the time. Being human with a curious active mind does not make you Bi.
I disagree totally with the notion that just cause you have fantasies never acted on, that you are Bi... Crap.... Its exciting to feel all adventurous and modern in advocating bi sexual activity but if you are in a monogamous relationship whether in the closet or not, until you live with the homo experience and wake the next day wanting it again with all its imperfections brought on by the presence of another real person you are not Bi.

As to monogamy, it works for some people but divorce rates show it is a social failure. It should not be the requisite for love. Being your whole self and encouraging your mate to do the same is love.

As for your first statement, I so totally disagree as to be in a different galaxy

When I was not quite 40, I'd been having yearnings, dreams, needs since I was a teen that I had no name for, no idea how to handle them, no concept or language to deal with them. Remember, at this time of my life, I had been married 20 years with 2 kids, a pastor wife for 10 years, a devout conservative Christian....NO gay friends, NO homosexual contact at all.

I knew I wasn't lesbian. I LOVE men, love hetero sex; women in general usually make me very nervous to be quite honest.

So, what WAS this?

Then one day, someone online asked me what my deepest darkest fantasy was. Imagine my shock when my fingers typed out "someday, I want to make love with a beautiful black woman". Someone else suggested I check out "Biways", a private forum for bisexuals. "What's bisexual?"

So, I went to that forum, and just READING THE DEFINITION of bisexuality changed my whole life in an instant. A curtain was ripped back, a blazing light went on in my head, and I FINALLY KNEW what I'd been dealing with all those years.

I never was 'curious'. I simply needed the language to understand what was going on. I'm bisexual, plain and simple.

Do I fall in love with women, want to settle down and share my home? No. I am far enough on the hetero side that I *NEED* a man full time in my life. Do I still have yearnings and needs/desires for physical intimacy and a relationship with a woman? Yes.

In case you're wondering, it took me about 18 months to find the right woman to break my bi fast. She was amazed at my lack of hesitation, at my total enjoyment of her whole body (dreamy smile, remembering her delicious musk on my mouth).

Since then, I've had ongoing relationships with several women. My last girlfriend (before I married Ken) was also married and we had some delightful threesomes with her husband. Our friendship has lasted about two years now, though I ended the physical intimacy after my committment to Ken.

Ken and I had a long talk Thurs night. I told him, I'm really woman hungry right now. REALLY hungry! It sparked a wonderful intimate discussion. He has trouble sharing his bi side, he's rather shy about it, but he said he's been dealing with man hunger too. By addressing my own needs upfront, I made it easier for him to open up also.

I've made it very very clear to him that if he needs male companionship/sex......I'M ALL FOR IT, I'm fully supportive....yet he has made the decision for himself that he wants to be monogamous. Honoring his committment to our marriage, I've made the same choice.

Am I still woman hungry? Sure, but the depth of intimacy, trust and love in our marriage is too important to hurt my beloved husband. I am capable of multiple relationships, of balancing priorities. He doesn't have that kind of wiring or security and it would hurt him - and that I can NOT do. He has never asked me to do this for him, it is my gift to him.

I've wandered from my point - it's perfectly possible to know if one is gay or straight or bisexual without any physical contact at all. And further more...it's ALL normal. (referring to the comment about being a normal person with fantasies.)

[spinoloot]

Yes, it's absurd to suggest you must sleep with a man to know you're bi. The quality and duration of my fantasies informs me it's real. I know I would like it. But I couldn't lie to my wife and experiment on the side. Although some have implied that a truly loving spouse would urge a partner to live a full life and find a same sex partner if they desired it , I don't agree. A marriage implies monogamy (not to mention the side issues of kids, friends etc). Plus, I know myself well enough to expect that I would develop a strong and conflicting emotional attachment to any man I became involved with. So there it is - I acknowledge my longings, but I focus on my otherwise successful marriage to the woman I love and all of the positive things we have achieved.
Not simple, but worth it. As has been said, exceptional things are as difficult as they are rare.

[DiamondDog]

Untill you actually act on your homosexual urges (a person is Bi, sex is homo or hetero) you are simply a normal person with fantasies.

Theres a HUGE difference between your ideal fuck scene and reality.
Untill you have hopefully, talked about it in full with a mate , and gone out and had homo sex you do not know if you are Bi.
First timers don't even get it up about half the time. Being human with a curious active mind does not make you Bi.
I disagree totally with the notion that just cause you have fantasies never acted on, that you are Bi... Crap.... Its exciting to feel all adventurous and modern in advocating bi sexual activity but if you are in a monogamous relationship whether in the closet or not, until you live with the homo experience and wake the next day wanting it again with all its imperfections brought on by the presence of another real person you are not Bi.

As to monogamy, it works for some people but divorce rates show it is a social failure. It should not be the requisite for love. Being your whole self and encouraging your mate to do the same is love.

I disagree with your close minded statement that you have to have acted upon having sex with the same/opposite gender to know that you're bisexual.

Some people just know themselves well enough (or so I'd hope!) that they'd realize that fantasies reflect their sexuality.

Hetero and gay people don't always get questioned about their sexuality like if they say: "Well I only have fantasies about the opposite gender but that wouldn't make me hetero because I've NEVER had sex with a person of the same gender even though I have no desire to; but I haven't had sex with the opposite gender so I'm not REALLY sure if I'm hetero even though all I think about sexually and I'm sexually attracted to the opposite gender only." Reverse that statements for people who are homosexual.

Again it's not like gay and heterosexual people who are virgins get told "oh you don't really know if you're gay or straight. You've never had sex with anyone so how can you tell?"

I first realized that I'm bi when I was 16 or possibly younger, and I hadn't had sex with anyone. I'd been "sexual" with guys but that was more exploratory stuff like masturbating together but not touching, "accidentally" kissing, "accidentally" grabbing someone's penis while we were swimming, being fingered, fingering someone, putting a plastic toy thermometer inside a male friend's butt, and pissing with a guy.

It wasn't molestation or anything like that and nobody was forced into anything. Anyway I've been told that none of it counts since we were young and didn't really know about sex or homo sex back then, and ALL of the guys I did such things with turned out to be hetero as adults.

When I was 19 and had sex with a woman for the first time I thought OK this was good but I still know I'm bi and I do want sex and a relationship with a man as an adult.

I also knew as a teenager/kid that I was into bondage/SM/kink but I didn't know that's what it was, since I would love (and still do love) to watch men and some women piss and I'm more into smelling/hearing a man piss and doing it with him.

As a kid/pre-teen I found the book The Joy of Sex and I liked all the drawings of the hairy man in there and especially the pictures of him tied up and having a vibrator used on him.

Also, some people are bi but for them it's not having sex with the same gender that tells them this.

I know TONS of people who are married/partnered and they're bisexual but they've never had sex with the same or opposite gender.

They don't want to cheat or bring up the subject with their spouse/partner/husband/wife because it would ruin their partnership and their relationship with their spouse and kids, and turn an otherwise happy life and relationship into a horrible one that's based on lying, decit, cheating, and divorce.

Not everyone has an open minded partner or spouse who they can talk to about their same/opposite gender sexual desires, even just to say well you know I love you and I'll never cheat but I do have fantasies about having sex with men or women besides you. I know many people who if they even hinted about the subject their wife/husband/partner would leave them both physically and emotionally, and they're involved in a happy 10-20+ year partnership/marriage.

I don't like gay and heterosexual people deciding what in their opinion makes someone a "true" bisexual when neither of these people are bisexual, so they shouldn't be judging others by their own standard/definition of what it means to be bisexual in their minds.

I also don't like it when bisexual people do this to other bisexuals who are in monogamous marriages/relationships/partnerships and who don't want to cheat, lie, or fuck up their relationship with their partner.

In closing you can be bisexual but have never had sex with the opposite/same gender, or with anyone at all.

[foothillbilly]

I found bisexual.com by the "put something in and see if it exists" method about an hour ago. This is a great whim.

Short background: I'm male, just turned 50 years old, bisexual, known to myself for about five years, married for just under four years, out to family and some friends, but not at work (those people are not my friends). I had some experiences with men in my teens and early 20s, but only heterosexual in the twenty years of denial that followed.

I've gone through many emotions reading this thread.

My experience with this is that my wife and I discussed my sexuality throughly when I discovered it myself, about four months after we began dating. Her central concern was that I would end our relationship in order to explore my gay side. She also had an attachment to the traditional view of marriage as including sexual exclusivity. I don't particularly value that, but I value her enough to honor it as well as I can. Her view has changed to a large degree, at least as far as my having sex with a man. We decided that we could not predict the future, but she quickly became and remains convinced that I will need to have some sort of sexual relationship with a man sooner or later in order to be completely myself. I tend to agree with her, but that need has not become overwhelming thus far.

As with most pagans, we wrote our own marriage vows. We deliberately did not include "forsaking all others" (among other things we didn't include). All the same, I have been sexual only with her since we began dating in October of 2001, over 5 1/2 years ago now.

I am active on a list for bisexual married men; my experience is not unusual there. That list supports a wide variety of responses to our situations, and it has been vital in my ability to avoid obsessing over men and my sexuality and in my understanding of the wild variety of approaches to life that people apply to our sexuality and everything else.


I find that I can't really even summarize all of my feelings upon reading this. I guess gratitude for that other list rises above all other things. Also, for coming out to my (now) wife the day after I faced myself.

Thank you,

Calvin