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My first blog was about the internal struggle of accepting my sexuality, this one discusses what actually happened to make me accept it.

Looking back over the years I think the number one thing that made me suppress my sexuality is family and the disappointment it would be to them should they ever find out. I never had the exposure to same sex activities in my formative years that so many seemed to have had on here, perhaps things may have been different had I but the opportunity never presented. Would I had it? I don't know, teenage and horny makes me think I might have and simply put it down to youthful experimentation.

The first exposure I had to same sex content was via gay porn. The internet had arrived and whilst initially I used straight porn to masturbate to, it was not long before I looked up gay porn via newsgroups. I downloaded pictures only, 33.6k modem and video content are a no go. I'm not sure when I started to look it up, it sort of just happened, perhaps it was curiosity or perhaps it was the emergence of my sexuality either way, it was short lived. I didn't stop watching it because I didn't like it, I stopped because I was nearly caught masturbating to it and thus begun the denial and suppression stage. I often think back and wonder if it might have been better had I been caught as it would've been out in the open. I'm not sure which would've been more embarrassing, been caught masturbating or what I was masturbating too, probably the later. I would not look at gay porn for another 20+ years.

The moment I truly realised I was bisexual would happen 20 years later when for the first time in my life I experienced the incredibly strong desire to kiss another man. I had experienced a couple of same sex attractions prior but not once did I ever feel the need to kiss them, this was a first for me. Why didn't I twig on the first two attractions? I don't think I realised I was attracted to them as there weren't any sexual overtones or they were being suppressed sub-consciously.

Needless to say I didn't kiss him but it left me confused and gave my sexuality the opening it needed. This was my catalyst. Little did I know had I, he would've reciprocated but that's a story for another day. Always leave them wanting to know more.

With my curiosity now sparked I introduced male masturbation stories in to my masturbation sessions, initially solo stories but soon after mutual. I had discovered edging by now so these lasted hours. Words gave way to visual and I would resume my love affair with gay porn but not before I bought an anal toy and opened my backdoor for exploration. I very much enjoyed all these sessions right up until the point I ejaculated, then the guilt and shame set in and I would swear that it would be the last time. It never was. Months would go passed and every day the same thing happened, ejaculate, admonish myself.

Something had to change, I googled sexuality tests and found a few and did them all. You have to answer them truthfully or it's pointless doing them. The thing with sexuality tests is, if you're taking them, you already know the answer and are really looking for confirmation like I was. The confirmation helps strangely enough. Not one test said I was heterosexual, all said I was at the very least bisexual. I didn't accept this immediately but it was not long after when one day after a particularly enjoyable session I went to have a shower to clean up and I stared in to the mirror, thoughts flooded my mind and I said what I needed to say. "I am bisexual, I like cock too".

The relief was immediate, I had said it out aloud whereas previously it had never left the confines of my mind. Saying it out aloud was me coming out to myself. I needed to come out to myself before I could accept myself and initially I would go with a Kinsey two. The thing about being in the closet is you need an outlet. Porn initially works but eventually you need more so I signed up to Shy Bi Guys and read there were many just like me (perhaps not as messed up). I never could bring myself to post. I had accepted it, but posting was like coming out.

Once Shy Bi Guys shut, I had to find another home and ended up here. I signed up as a Kinsey three, equal and I had become comfortable enough in my sexuality to actually respond to and start threads. This helped me to realise I currently wasn't a Kinsey three and I changed my Kinsey value to a four. This brought it in to line with some of the tests to indicate a slight to moderate preference for men. No one probably noticed this but sexuality is about being honest to yourself and I felt I needed to do this for me. I say currently as I believe sexuality is fluid, it can change for a number of reasons and is only a snapshot of how I feel at this point in time. I do know one thing, I'll never be, nor ever was, 100% heterosexual no matter what I had said in the past.

With acceptance comes freedom and now my orgasms from masturbation are massive and incredibly enjoyable. I wouldn't want to give these up. I love being bisexual and I wouldn't change this even if I could. I believe I was born this way and it was only a matter of time before it would emerge. It's just a pity it took so long. Family still stops me from coming out today only because I let it, it's a mental thing, however deep down, I think they probably suspect or know. All in good time, I'm just enjoying being me.

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]I will suck your dick until you cum; I might even let you fuck me and make me walk funny and have a hard time sitting down.

But I'm never gonna be your bitch. a whore, or a "good girl" and that's just how it is and how I am. It's about respect and, to that end, I'm not all that different from anyone else in that I do not like being disrespected and especially if I'm giving you respect as the man you are.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]My protege called me a sexy bitch... I went off on him - verbally since he's on one side of the country and I'm on the other side and believe me, what I said to him wasn't even close to being nice. He apologized and I accepted it... but I was still furious and one thing I told him was that he should be glad I wasn't sitting next to him when he said that.

I'm usually in control of my temper; you can call me a nigger and I'm just gonna laugh at you... call me a bitch and I'm gonna be thinking of all the things I can do to you... and none of them are gonna feel good. Now, realistically, I know I shouldn't react this way... but I'm still very much a man even if I'm sucking your dick. There is nothing submissive about me - my mind just doesn't work like that - and trying to make me submissive, well, that's not gonna work and I'm gonna tell you that and in no uncertain terms.

I'm not a hard-ass; indeed, I'm stupidly easy to get along with... as long as you keep in mind that even though I'm sucking your cock, I'm still a man doing this and just as dominant in my thinking and actions and, if needed, dangerously so. It's why I stay away from BDSM things; I have the wrong mindset for it because I learned that, lord, help me, I like inflicting pain on people... and that's just not my idea of a good time having sex.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[SIZE=3][FONT=verdana]I did learn to not be... violent and to tell a guy right up front that calling me a bitch and treating me like a woman is not only a deal breaker but it's disrespectful and I will not ever tolerate being disrespected - so ya better watch your mouth and act like you know...[/FONT]

[FONT=verdana]Before I act like I don't. You wanna play those macho games? You got the wrong guy, fella. Sure, I'll suck your dick because, um, I love sucking dick. You think you're gonna "make" me do it? Guess again, homey; my mind just does not work like that and, by the way, did I mention that I'm a trained killer?[/FONT]

[FONT=verdana]One guy said, "Yeah, take this dick like a good little whore!" as he was fucking me... and he was surprise to find himself on the floor - and he was lucky that's all that happened other than me saying, "Call me a whore again and find out what's gonna happen..."[/FONT]

[FONT=verdana]Another guy was fucking me and I wasn't having fun so I told him to stop and get off - and out - of me. He said, "I'm a real man giving you good dick and you're gonna be a good bitch and take this dick!"[/FONT]

[FONT=verdana]I broke one of his fingers and then choked him out... because I ain't your bitch... and the dick wasn't that good.[/FONT]

[FONT=verdana]I learned some shit about myself that I didn't like but I had to understand why I didn't like it and, again, not to be, um, overly violent when being disrespected in such a fashion. Yeah, girls suck dick and get fucked... and I'm still not a girl, bitch, whore, or any other female thing you can make come out of your mouth. "Bitch" is a fighting word and one I don't ever dare to let come out of my mouth and no matter who I'm having sex with.[/FONT]

[FONT=verdana]It's probably why effeminate gay men make me insane because they wanna be a bitch and, often, to be used like I'd do a woman. One guy actually asked me why I didn't call him a good cock sucking bitch and, honestly? I thought about saying it - and didn't because I'm not going to disrespect someone like that because I don't wanna be disrespected like that.[/FONT][/SIZE]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]I remember the first time a guy said that to me while sucking his dick and to say I was furious doesn't begin to explain or describe what I was feeling in that moment. I stopped sucking him... and punched him dead in the face and the fight that ensued was fueled by what being called a bitch made me feel.

After I kicked his ass, I went back to sucking his dick - why not? - and while he said a lot of things before he came and while he was flooding my mouth with sperm, calling me a bitch wasn't something he let out his mouth.

I absolutely abhor being called a bitch... just because I'm sucking cock. I get it - it's always been a thing only women are supposed to do... but I'm not a woman and the mistake a lot of guys made with me was thinking I was... womanly because I sucked their dick and they could fuck me.

One guy said, while I was blowing him, "Yeah, you're such a good girl, baby! Suck it, suck it baby girl!" - and I bit him, not hard enough to draw blood but to let him know that I'm not a girl and sure as fuck not your baby girl. Yeah... another fight ensued and after I made him submit with a nasty arm lock, we had a long talk about this.

I'm a man albeit one who sucks cocks and likes being fucked. There is nothing "girly" about me and I'm too much of an alpha male to let someone treat me like I'm a woman since, um, a woman isn't likely to stop whatever she's doing and try to break your nose for insulting them or impose their will upon you. Not saying that there aren't women who wouldn't do this - they just usually don't other than getting pissed off.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]I did want to know what it was like to eat someone's ass and the first ass I ate was a woman's. I was going down on her and, well, her asshole was right there so I gave it a lick, expecting her to freak out and expected her hole to taste... shitty. She yelped and surprised me by saying, "Do that again!"

So I did, alternating between eating her ass and her pussy and making her cum over and over before I stopped eating her and fucked her. I went on to eat quite a few female asses but, oddly and strangely, I've rarely eaten a guy's ass - like maybe twice. One guy liked it so much he shot his load all over the place; the other guy, eh, I guess he was on the fence about it - he said he didn't dislike it but didn't say that he did like it.

I know some guys are seriously into this but I'm not sure that I am... or want to be.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]He's really going for it and he stopped for a moment to ask me if I liked what he was doing... and I told him I wasn't sure so he went right back to eating my ass like I'd eat a woman's pussy. Oh, my god - he's licking, sucking, driving his tongue into my hole... and I'm still trying not to laugh; I'm holding the laughter in and my body is shaking with that effort... but I thought he mistook my body movements to be me enjoying what he was doing - so he really started going for it.

It stopped being funny... but it didn't start to feel good so much. I wanted him to stop munching on my ass and slide his dick in but he's having a lot of fun eating my ass, moaning, groaning and digging his fingers into my cheeks hard enough to make it uncomfortable as he tried to spread my cheeks apart and more than they were gonna get spread.

Just as I was about to tell him to stop, I hear him really groaning with his face buried in my ass - and the next thing I feel is him not eating my ass... and his cum is now landing on my buttcheeks.

And I was pissed. I roll over and he's lying there gasping for air and, I guess, feeling pretty good and I wanted to slap that happy look off of face.

"Sorry about that," he said, grinning at me. "Your asshole was so good for me to eat that I couldn't stop from cumming! Let me rest up for a bit and we can fuck each other, okay?"

My dick was rock hard, my balls were starting to ache... and I was still pissed about not getting that dick in my ass so I told him, "Nope - not gonna happen; I'm leaving after I take care of this."

I wrapped my hand around my dick and jerked off; he tried to suck me but I pushed him away and told him, "You were so busy licking my asshole and didn't want to fuck me... so you can watch me get myself off!"

I busted a nut - some of it got on him - but I could easily tell he wasn't happy with how this was turning out. I was... rude; I wiped my hand clean on his sheets, gave him my most "hateful" look, got dressed and was getting ready to leave.

"But, didn't you like having your ass eaten?" he asked.

"No, not really; I don't know what you expected me to feel but all I wanted to do was laugh - that's how weird that shit felt," I said. "I'm outta here; let me know when you really wanna fuck."

He never did let me know and I was fine with that. I had time to sit and think about whether or not I really did like having my ass eaten or not and it wouldn't be for another couple of years when I'd get my ass eaten again - and I decided that it was okay but not really all that.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]I remember the first time a guy ate my ass and it was the weirdest thing I'd experienced. We'd run into each other, started talking, things turned to sex... then boy/boy sex... and we go to his place and things were going "as usual" as we kinda cuddled - licking and sucking on nipples, ears, necks, before turning our attention to each other's cock. I knew he was gonna fuck me then be fucked by me and I was so very hot and bothered - I wanted him inside me and he couldn't get there fast enough - but I didn't want to put any pressure on him.

He sucks me off, holding my dick deep in his mouth as I lost my load and I had refrained from sucking him off so he could fuck me; he tells me to turn over and I'm thinking, "Oh, yeah... this is what I've been waiting for!"

He spreads my ass cheeks and I'm shivering in anticipation, expected to feel the coolness of the lube that was sitting on his side table - and the next thing I feel is his tongue probing my hole! I remember my body stiffening for a moment as my brain worked out what he was doing - he's licking and sucking my asshole and it was such a weird and unexpected sensation that it was all I could do not to start laughing.[/SIZE][/FONT]